If you are a regular to this blog you have probably noticed that I haven't been updating it for awhile. What the heck was wrong with me you might think?
I can spell that out in two words rotator cuff followed by two words even more horrifying to those in the know: 2" complete tear! I have it on good authority that if comedy based on pain is funny, this should be about the funniest post I'll ever write. Because the period I was dealing with my rotator cuff injury completely stopped me cold for six months.
Not only did the surgery not make the pain better, at first it was much, much worse. That at first was about two months. Six months later and after 4 months of intense physical therapy I finally had most of the movement in my right arm back.
I tried to get back to posting regularly but in the mean time I discovered Facebook and I discovered that I did what many of us volunteer bloggers did: I turned to Facebook for most of my creative stuff. Sorry about that. I was not alone; a recent news report showed that the nature of blogging has changed and amateurs like us are leaving. Well heck with that! Reason enough for me to come back! Or try to but that's now. Back then even finding a way to tie my posts to my account so they would get published where my Facebook friends could see it too I held back from going regular here again.
I think it was because I just wasn't feeling that funny for awhile. I had some personal issues that reconnecting with my college friends helped me to deal with. Some very sad heartbreaking stuff. The kind of thing that if you have it, you have to deal with it and it's pretty hard to be funny while doing so. So I guess that's part of it too.
Anyway to my delight this blog is nearly at 100,000 page views and that's a good reason to celebrate! So I'm going to try to post regularly again and I hope you will come back if you were a regular reader before.
In the mean time this blog will continue to be a safe, clean and funny place to come to! Now if my left shoulder wasn't bothering me so much....
Hard as it is to believe, the Peter Files Blog of Comedy has been, according to the video below, attacked and singled out on a variety of wild charges that we can't even believe he believes are true so are not going to dignify them with a response.
However, if Beck comes after someone as silly as us you might well ask, could you be next? Click on the link here to come back to the blog if this has been mailed to you, then click on the video link below.
What an outrageous video! You can see why we couldn't let it go by without comment.
Don't Miss The Gaelic Park Players Production of The Patrick Pearse Motel by Irish playwright Hugh Leonard: April 9 - 11, 16 - 18, 23 - 25, 2010
There are few South Side actors whose work I recommend unreservedly, but this production includes one of them in the likes of Marty Donovan who I have had the pleasure of working with onstage myself and witnessing his raw talent, attention to his craft, his ready wit, his incredible imagination, humor and all around ability to move an audience to laugh, cry and cheer.
In the context of a Hugh Leonard play, his efforts are not to be missed. While you may be more familiar with Leonard's Da or A Life, I urge you to take a chance to see this production of The Patrick Pearse Motel while you can, and to get seats while you can. Opening night offers two for one tickets a rare theater buy.
Here's what the company says about the play and the production:
The Patrick Pearse Motel by Hugh Leonard
An upwardly mobile couple living in an upscale Dublin suburb, and their business partners are showing what real patriotism is all about-selling it in the form of hotels. Each room in the Patrick Pearse Motel is decorated with a portrait of a national hero. Unbeknown to her doting husband, the lady of the house is plotting a tryst with an old flame, a television commentator famed for his rudeness. Soon the stage is filled with mistaken identities, dropped trousers, a flimsy negligee and false accusations. On a rainy night at The Patrick Pearse Motel, the characters crisscross paths, threaten one another with a shillelagh and hide in convenient closets. An hysterical bedroom farce that will have you wondering how will all of this turn out and who will get out alive?
The Patrick Pearse Motel
Director-Tom Kearney
Assistant Director-Georgina Chapman
Cast:
Dermod -Marty Donovan
Grainne-Kathy Holahan
Fintan-Stephen Heffernan
Niamh-Mary Kate Brophy
Miss Manning-Taryn Mckenna
James Usheen-Mick Kenna
Hoolihan-Barney Farrelly
Show Dates are:
Fridays April 9th, 16th and 23rd at 8:00pm
Saturdays April 10th, 17th and 24th at 8:00pm
Sundays April 11th, 18th and 25 at 3:00pm
Tickets:
PLEASE NOTE TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE AT THE GAELIC PARK OFFICE
$12.00 Theater Performance only
$25.00 Dinner & Theater (Sundays Only)
Opening Night - Buy 1 Get 1 Free!!
Reservations are a must for Dinner & Theater
Tickets are non-refundable
For those of you who have been coming back of the month of August hoping to see some kind of change for the last month and finding none, my apologies. I hope you took a chance and visited out archives and found some of the treasures buried in the 600 or so posts there.
Since this is mostly a comedy blog I won't go into the details, but I could skip living through this last few months again. Deaths in the family, personal crises, illness, pain, all this kinds of things, you are not coming here for. But, things are looking up and so, I think you should be able to see a return to regular postings here.
Regular? Two to three times a week, usually in spurts.
I discovered that the RSS feed isn't working right, I have to figure out how to fix that. If yours IS working right, leave a comment and let me know. I did manage to get the comment interface working better and some other features cleaned up.
If you have a child, hug them, watch them closely if they are near the water. A young relative drowned this summer. I have a young child. The stuff of nightmares. It's been almost a month now and he effect of the support of our community on the parents has been profound as all those who feel "there but for the grace of God go I" in this situation have extended their hearts and love to them.
I know that those in our house have, and if you pray, I invite you to do so for them and any of those who have lost dear ones of any age for any reason this summer.
I also lost another friend, who was my one of my best friend's uncles. A finer kinder person you would be hard pressed to find no matter how bright a light you had to shine on the world to fine one. Wise, funny, and neat to the point of a methodological that might have driven even Felix Unger mad were it not for the kindness and gentleness in which he practiced it (he did not expect others to be able to practice what he preached, he merely enabled them gently, when they visited him).
George was an enabler of the highest and best sort. An educator, a scientist, a friend, and 'weather' he enabled the world to understand his field of science to advance in unique and powerful ways, or his colleagues and students to grow and flourish as a result of knowing him, or the world to retain works of beautiful music that might otherwise have been lost, George enabled so many to a better life in many ways.
I got to know him first when my friend, his nephew became quite seriously ill, the kind of thing that only a small percentage survived, even in the early 1980's. That my friend survived was due to his courage in being willing to participate in experimental treatment, some luck in being in the right experimental group, some gumption on his own, and the knowledge of the deep and constant support of his 'Unc' who was there for him in ways that no one else could be, not even myself - poor as a church mouse as I was at the time I could not afford to fly to Seattle to be with my friend through the bone marrow transplant and other procedures, I was only able to talk to him by phone and letter. Not good enough. But Unc was a conduit of information to me.
I was terrified that I was going to lose my best friend at the time, in fact, I was in a play called Da, by Hugh Leonard, in which the main character is diagnosed with cancer and has to deal with the approach of his death at that very time. Since it was one of the few paying gigs I had gotten I couldn't help accepting, and it was worth it too, one of the best performances I ever gave. I played the older Kearns who learns some things about himself that he wished he had not by the end of the show and goes through a complex and complete emotional breakdown on stage. A subtle bit of work that shouldn't be forced; in the end, my fears about my friend came out every night on stage.
The audiences thought I was inspired. I knew the truth. I was petrified that my best friend would die in the middle of the production and that I would be unable to continue and would never work professionally again. Through all of that time, the wires between "Unc's" house and mine, and his hotel in Seattle and mine, ran hot and heavy. He gave me updates, I gave him humor pointers for cheering up my friend. It was a conspiracy of kindness to make sure he had the kind of support he needed to survive other storms brewing around him via the females of the species.
Over the years after that, Unc became Grunc as my friend's uncle became a grand Uncle. And I got to know him and his fastidious ways better. Having dinner with him was a real treat. First of all, he was a wonderful cook. Tasty and low fat. But then, watching him clean his kitchen was like watching a man in love with it. He looked very much like Jeff Smith, once known as PBS's the Frugal Gourmet, and took great care to clean his kitchen counters fastidiously. Just....so.
Every crumb came up off the tables and counters. Every particle of dust off the floor into the dust pan. Every unwanted spec into the garbage can under the sink, and every night, without fail, Grunc would take that paper garbage bag out of its container, raise it to the counter top, fold the edges so that the creases were razor sharp and meticulously fold the top down so that there was no possibility that any part of the contents could seep out. On some occasions, if seepage might become a problem, he might add a plastic bag outside the paper bag and put another paper bag around those two, just so that they appeared neat and strong.
Then, once folded neatly and correctly, Grunc would walk the package down the hall, open the door to the utility closet leading to the garbage chute, and his package would ever so neatly descend to the bottom. If, on rare occasions, Grunc had reason to believe that his 'parcel' did not reach the bottom without 'incident' he would then feel compelled to check, by taking the elevator down to the basement and investigating the matter. More than once he found an incredible mess because the garbage contractor had failed to show up to remove the waiting container that collected the garbage that waited at the bottom of the chute.
Grunc would then call the building super who more often than not was grateful to Grunc since no one else would tell him and he would be stuck cleaning up the mess. Grunc lived in a very old, prestigious building near the Museum of Science and Industry, but it was large enough generate a lot of trash.
Some times Grunc's fastidiousness could be hard on those he loved and he knew it, but he just could not help himself. He just wanted to make things easier for people.
One time my friends sister was visiting town and had a 19 year old nanny that wanted to see some of Chicago. They knew that I had been a tour guide and I got volunteered to her around town based largely on Grunc's, not my friend's character recommendation.
Since we would be returning possibly late, (Very late, O.o) Grunc felt that we needed instruction in how to open the door quietly, and to my chagrin and the whole group's stunned amusement proceeded to give a demonstration on how to put a key into a lock and turn it. LOL
I always suspected that he was planting a subconscious idea in both our heads, but it didn't take, at least on her part (rats). But the image of Grunc, in the hallway, bent over the lock, turning sideways with his funny crooked smile, looking half up as he demonstrated the best way to put the key in the lock and turn it just - so(!) to get it to open quietly, will ever remain in my heart as the quintessential Grunc moment.
I think you will have gathered by now that I came to love this old man who let me into his life as a friend as he did not so many others. Of course it was largely due to the fact that I cared deeply for his nephew, but we were both scientists, my lab was less formal, but we talked about my work a few times and he was greatly surprised when he understood the stringency of my methodology, which for a government operation, might not have been so strict. He read a number of my papers over the years and gave helpful comments, brief, it was not his field, but helpful, mostly in that he recognized in a way that others important to me in my life could not, the meaning of some of my achievements professionally. He truly understood them.
His death came as a surprise as I knew it would. Grunc was a private person. When I knew it was coming near I made sure to send him a note that at lest hinted at my feelings. I wanted to get together with him one last time but I suspected that I had missed my window and when he was hospitalized I was not given an opportunity to visit or call him. As I went through the stages of death I was quite angry about this for at least an hour. But that passed. I know that Grunc did not want me to remember him that way and now I don't.
I compare my healthy memories of Grunc to the memories of a six-year old cousin in her coffin and I know which ones I prefer. Funerals are hard for me. Especially the funerals of children. I guess that's true for everyone. But when you are the parent of a child the same age as the deceased it hits really close to home. More than I wanted to say.
So, back to the comedy in the next post.
Peter, A little saddle-sore - but as the Jesuits say, if it doesn't kill you, it builds character.
Everyone complains that today's kids aren't on the ball as much as yesterdays kids. Yet, here's some evidence that maybe they are smarter than some people think.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEAC HER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher. ___________________________________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who is interested in whatever a teacher has to say, whenever she happens to say it?
MARY ELLEN: Her husband. ___________________________________
Another one from Mary Ellen, but I noticed that she got it from her friend Colleen. Thanks Mary Ellen!
One spring day I was walking past the athletic field of a local girls high school the other day and a throng of high school girls behind its fence were were shouting enthusiastically "69.... 69.... 69...!"
As they kept it up, I got more and more curious, but the wooden fence was too high to see over.
I knew better of course, but when I saw a little gap in the planks, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through to see what was going on.
Then one of the girls poked me in the eye with a stick.
They all started shouting '70.... 70.... 70...!"
If you thought this was a dirty joke, shame on you! This blog is a clean blog, but sometimes people with dirty minds come to the wrong secretions. Here we strive to be always Safe for work, home, truth, justice and the American way. Wait, based on internet usage that seems to be p.... Never mind.
Thanks to Andy for this joke that I have twisted all out of proportion. You can send me a joke too and get credit if you wish. Just send it to: {http:// thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}.
Remove the extra spaces, replace the at and dot with an @ and . and you'll have the address. Add the word Joke in the title line please. Tell me if you want credit for you. I don't do ANYTHING with your email address, except maybe make friends with you myself. I hate spam.
In the previous post one of my jokes was that we should move to a 4-day work week in summer time to help reduce fuel oil consumption.
I added to it that the work day should only be 9 hours long instead of 10. In effect, this would reduce the summer work week from 40-hours to 36 hours, but on 4 days instead of 5.
The benefit of this would be to reduce commuting gas consumption by 1 day per week per auto now commuting, or by about 20% while reducing the number of hours worked in the week by 4 or 10%.
It was initially a joke, but here is our chance to think about it. Is this such a far flung idea?
First, let's look at the idea of a four-hour per week cut in working hours since that would make the whole plan more workable. Ten hour workdays are long. Even with an extra day off per week, they are very hard. Nine on the other hand are not so bad.
An 8 to 4:30 day would become 8 to 5:30. Dinner would be later, but not horribly so. This would be offset by an extra day without work and commuting.
Next. Say most American's commute at least 1 hour per day round trip. In Chicago, many commute 2 -3 hours per day. So, losing one day's commute nearly entirely covers the longer days at work. In essence, by working longer four days a week the length of one day's total commute, many workers will then save not only the day worked, but that day's commute as well.
Now, for this to work, legislation would also be required so that full-time employee status/perks would not be lost by working 36 instead of 40 hours in the summer. There would be expenses required in altering payroll and accounting software to do this, but this has to be compared to the vast sums in fuel costs saved both in immediate savings at the pump, and in lowered prices because of lowered international demand.
While we may no longer be the whole international fuel consumption story anymore, a drop in U.S. fuel consumption caused by a 20% decline in auto commuting mileage might very well have a significant effect on gas prices.
Why do this in summer? To start with there are two big reasons.
In summer time the amount of sunlight available here is much greater. You work an extra hour a day and there is still plenty of sunlight left when you get home to spend time with the kids, your family, or your online connection. In winter, it will just be darker.
Also, as a summer program, the day off will be in the nicest weather of the year, when people are most inclined to play hooky and take spontaneous days off anyway. This program might actually help reduce summer absenteeism and help employers save money on their benefits packages.
How do we decide who gets to take what day off? Good question. One could argue that for maximum efficiency at the workplace everyone should take the same day off, Monday, Wednesday or Friday. In this way it will seem to the rest of the U.S. as if nothing has changed. We all start and stop at once and everyone is there when everyone needs us there for work reasons.
There is at least one disadvantage to this method however, it does not maximize fuel savings in areas with dense auto traffic. In areas like Chicago it would be much better for people to pick their own day off each week of the five, or rotate them, so that the reduction in normal summer auto commute traffic is spread through the week. Spreading out the reduction in auto traffic across the days of the week would reduce traffic congestion to its maximum and reduce gas wasted by stop and go traffic patterns.
A flaw in the system could be, let's be honest, is that if traffic gets too light that it might encourage those who use public transportation to drive instead because the hassles of driving are reduced.
However, this might be offset by reduced crowding on Public Transportation vehicles during commuting times. Making public transportation more comfortable and reliable since most schedule delays such as bus bunching occur due to unexpected overcrowding on a bus route. System planners would have to take into account that the commute flows would be longer, but the work schedules for transit workers already put more vehicles out in the early evening than are needed to complete an 8 hour day for transit workers.
Yep, there's a complex problem, how do you handle the 36-hour week for employees in jobs like bus and train operator? Carefully at first. Though they already hire summer help since most transit workers want to take a vacation in the summer just like everybody else. They may just wind up "picking" their summer work schedules just like they do now. With as little flexibility as they do now, but with the same degree of reliability for themselves.
Oh, that leads to the overtime question. When does it kick in? After 36 hours or 40? Good question. I think that might have to depend on business size. But since employers would be gaining some efficiency by having workers focused on a more limited number of days and being able to alter hiring during the summer to use workstations differently, having 10-15% more employees if they desire without increasing office space, it might be that over 9 hours in a day where all 36 were worked would have to be the rule. However, to what degree should we discourage employers from creating 5th day overtime among salaried employees.
A lot I should think. But then again, we are in an economic system that encourages many extra hours and hard work. So perhaps for exempt employees this does not make sense at all. But perhaps, at least for one season a year, it should.
Well, some initial thoughts on a modest proposal, more modest than that one by Jonathan Swift at any rate. Easier to swallow too.
Oh, we could combine it with another idea I had, legislated 40% parking discounts for those who show up with 3 riders in a parking lot in downtown areas that are in ozone non-attainment zones. Or wherever air pollution is bad. There might have to be some kind of tax rebate to garage operators to help pay for this, but the benefits in reduced auto usage would be substantial.
What are your thoughts on this. I'm looking for ideas to help make something work. Not catcalls on why all ideas are doomed to fail. What better ideas do you have?
Oh, yes, if people are at home one day a week they may do some driving as well. But home-based non-work trips tend to be a lot shorter than driving to work commuter trips so probably the gas usage will be lower. The emissions might not because of something called the "cold start" phenomenon. Of course, if the weather is really sweltering, getting the auto engine up to maximum fuel efficiency should be a lot quicker in the summer in cold areas than in the winter.
It is so nice that the nice warm weather is starting to be regular here!
Mandatory free school busing in all school districts reduces parent auto drop-off and pick up use.
Methane collection vents in the top of all rib joints, firehouses and country bars.
Whether events are inside or outside, the use of mandatory portable wind-powered electricity generators at all political election events, fundraisers or debates.
Threaten oil-producing states with U.S. forced air broadcasts of The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, Menudo Concerts, The Cheetah Girls, Charlie's Angels, Miami Vice, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and 24-hour repeats of all Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview specials ever recorded on several open-air TV channels.
If they resist, threaten them with Richard Simmons exercise videos, Roseanne, Maude, and our secret weapon, Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
Require gas stations to give away a free bicycle after every $3,000 of gas purchased. (10 SUV fill-ups).
Mandatory 4-day work weeks in summers with 9 hour workday max (Mondays off? We all hate them anyway).
This will reduce work commute gas consumption by 20% in summertime when they soak us for high prices anyway. Threaten to do the same thing in winter when there is no sunlight to do anything fun anyway.
Downtown Parking Garages must give 40% discounts to those who arrive with 2 passengers before 9am. They collect signed forms to use for tax rebates to offset cost.
According to an AP report cited on CNN today: "China's Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi left Thursday for a trip to Japan where he is expected to finalize details for a landmark official visit by China's President (Hu) early next month."
Peter Files Blog inexpert political souses have inferred from thin air that security arrangements for the Chinese President may include a surprise "Security Detail" of 5,000 tanks, 4,000,000 troops and an as yet undetermined lead-painted Thomas The Tanks Engine Red Trains.
When asked about the security arrangements by our Peter Files Blog China Desk Correspondent an unnamed spokesperson on the Chinese Delegate Staff had this to say:
Spokesperson: "Who you taking about?" Peter Files Blog: "That's Right, Hu." Spokesperson: "Who?" Peter Files Blog: "Hu!" Spokesperson: "He'll be coming to review." Peter Files Blog: "The new Hu review?" Spokesperson: "It may be a Zoo." Peter Files Blog: "We heard his security detail might include troops?" Spokesperson: "Whoops! Where did you get that idea, we no bring troops." Peter Files Blog: "Are you sure Hu's not bringing 4,000,000 troops?" Spokesperson: "This is a peaceful visit, who would bring troops on a peaceful visit? But Chinese exports include Hula Hoops! Peter Files Blog: "Hu's bringing hoops?" Spokesperson: "No hoops or troops! This peaceful visit! Peaceful!" Peter Files Blog: "Many Thanks." Spokesperson: "No, there will be no Tanks coming on this visit either!" Peter Files Blog: "Not Tanks, Thanks, many thanks for your time." Spokesperson: "No the rumor that President Hu's detail bring 5,000 tanks absolutely unfounded! You twist my words!" Peter Files Blog: "Who's detail?" Spokesperson: "You know who's detail, Hu's detail, the President's detail! President Hu's detail!" Peter Files Blog: "The President is Bush?" Spokesperson: "The President of China is not tired! He is full of energy! He does not need to bring army, I mean Security Detail to keep him awake." Peter Files Blog: "Not like the American President. I'm not sure if he's awake even when he's awake." Spokesperson: "Achoo!" Peter Files Blog: "There you go again. Who?"
After reviewing this transcript, the Peter Files Blog Regrets this article and has decided to re-classify it from news/commentary to political satire and humor and to consider getting a new China Desk. They tend to be expensive so we may just hire a new foreign correspondent instead.
Who?
We just don't know.
Any volunteers. You?
The Peter Files Comedy Blog Paranoia Squad asks, why is it that it was the RED trains that were lead painted?
Stop the drinking the 97 Octane Shots during Happy Hour at Stumpy's Truck Stop and Redneck Bar.
Get American Automakers to rethink that whole - "Naw, only geeks would buy electric cars" idea.
Slot machines and dice tables on all public buses and trains to build transit use and create homes for permanent moving craps games.
Baywatch Babes on all Transit Cards.
Cars to have solar panels and sails. Auto foredecks for bikini sunbathing still under debate. While this measure will slow traffic, it may cause accidents.
Give up on Pappy Reagan's idea of not aiding Transit Operations funding with Federal Operations Dollars. The idea to cut Federal Operating Existence was a terrible one then (late 1980's) and it is one now. The theory was that states would pick up the difference, but they did not, at least not in proportion to the funds that were eliminated. The difference in the Chicago region in the years since the cuts is well over a Billion Dollars and climbing.
So instead, our own federal Government drove millions of people off transit and into toxic emitting autos. Wonder if the auto industry lobbyists had anything to do with that idea?
Moving people in large urban areas to public transportation, preferably hydrogen buses, is an extremely cost-effective way, to reduce toxic emissions, reduce asthma causing smog, and reduce greenhouse gasses.
My dad sent my visiting cousin to bed. Five minutes later....
"Uncle Pete...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Uncle Pe-eete....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll toss you in the shower!!"
Five minutes later......"Uncle Pe-ete....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to toss me in the shower, can you bring a drink of water?"
My cousin didn't believe that she would actually get tossed in the shower. She didn't know my Dad well enough to know that he did not make idle threats.
When he held the tip-top of her head under the lukewarm water for 1/10th of a second she screamed like a banshee. Then he gave her the drink of water. On the second night of her overnight stay she drank enough water to satisfy herself before she went to bed.
Based on a true story.
What she was actually doing was talking too much when we were supposed to be asleep. I edited an old joke which had a funnier format. She got at least 8 warnings before splash. Man was it funny. We would have laughed out loud but we would have been next and we knew it. But there was an awful lot of very hard to suppress snickering for the next hour.
You'd think this wasn't a comedy blog anymore. It is! But no parent can help feeling bad for the grandfather who saw his 2-year-old grandson blown into Lake Michigan and founder underwater until he was pulled out and rushed to a hospital by emergency crews after 15 minutes submerged.
A parent's nightmare. Really. When you first realize that your wife is pregnant along with the joy are the worries of all the things that have gone wrong to others that creep into your thoughts and dreams. A friend saw her three-year-old bounce off the bed, through a screen and out the three story window of her apartment. Fortunately into the bushes below.
"Mom! Can I do that again!"
She still quivers a little when she tells that story behind the laughs as she tells it. Be careful where you let your toddlers bounce is the moral of that tale.
The moral of this tale is, be very careful when walking a small child along a pier along any body of water if you yourself cannot swim.
When my son was three I took him down to the harbors along the lakeshore. I let him walk down the piers and look right into the water. He laughed and giggled and had lots of fun. But this story does not make me worry that this was a dangerous thing to do. I was prepared for that activity.
First, it was a calm weather day. No heavy winds.
Second, as a teenager I earned both the Boy Scouts Scout Lifeguard Award, the rough equivalent to the Red Cross Water Safety Instructor except that it also has a rowing requirement, I followed that up with Red Cross Advanced Life Saving and Red Cross CPR in College, then before our son was born, my wife and I got certified in Red Cross Infant and Child CPR at a local hospital.
If my son had fallen into the water I would have been able to pull him out in seconds. Had he stopped breathing, I knew what to do while running to a phone to call 911. Though I had a cell phone with me so that was not needed. But I was prepared. You can be too.
If you live near a large body of water be careful near it. Keep close to kids, near the water if you can't swim.
The grandpa in this case did one thing right. By not jumping in when he did not know how to swim he did not cause a double-drowning. Instead, someone saw him and that gave his grandson the best chance he could get.
Never risk a double drowning, but if you know how, this is the order to do it.
Reach
Throw
Row
But only go if you know how. If you do, try to bring something that floats, like a ring buoy (life preserver) (they are to be thrown over the shoulders of a victim and drawn back not aimed at the head!) or an inflatable something.
Don't ever let a panicked swimmer grab you. Especially by the neck.
Let's keep this family in our prayers.
And as the sporting season starts, make sure you have a safety vest for everyone on your boat. Not only is it the law, but it prevents tragedies on very small craft.
They are an absolute must for canoes.
I will never forget the year after earning Scout Lifeguard being on a 30 mile canoe trip with a non-swimmer in the bow of my canoe. We were on the White River, near Whitehall, Michigan, just where it starts to feed into White Lake. About a half hour before we would land at Arf n' Barf.
He was wearing his vest. But he was also painfully thin.
It was a windy day and we actually had waves on this part of the river that were 6 to 8 inches high. Very unusual. Most of the river is only a foot to 3 feet deep. But at this part it opens up to about 12 feet deep. I was in the stern, the back of the canoe that controls or steers where the canoe would go. He wanted to move further back and I told him No!
He stood up in the canoe to move back anyway. Without his paddling we started to turn sideways to the wind and waves. I yelled to him as gently as I could to be careful and stay low so that he would not present himself like a sail to the wind. He stood straight up to hear me better, then lost his balance. Over we went.
The canoe turned upside down. I immediately came to the surface. He was not on my side of the canoe. I dived, wearing my vest this was hard, under the canoe to make sure he was not trapped underneath it then came up on the underside of it. He was not on the other side. But his vest was.
The kid was so thin that he had slid right out of his life vest and gone straight to the bottom of the river which had a mud bottom. I yelled to some of the older kids behind us to come then dove down to the bottom.
I could see him down there, barely, through the muddy water. He was not moving or struggling. Fighting the pull of the vest was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the water was at least 12 feet down and perhaps 15, it took all my strength.
He looked up at me, reached up to me with his hand, I grabbed it and pulled him into a cross-chest carry with control and the vest rocketed us up to the surface. At the top he exploded out the breath he had been holding.
When I shouted at him why hadn't he tried to come up to the surface he shrugged and said. "I was waiting for you. I knew you'd come get me." Nice. Very nice. By this time a couple of the other canoes got there and I had lashed the kid back into his vest and pushed him into one of the other canoes. We then did a maneuver called canoe over canoe rescue.
To do this you need a second canoe. While the overturned canoe is still upside-down you push one end down so that the other end comes up over the middle of the other canoe. Then you push the over turned canoe up until it is balanced on the middle of the other canoe upside down. Then when it is balanced in the middle, you can turn the canoe over out of the water and slide it back into the water floating. Then the person(s) in the other canoe can hold both canoes together by the thwarts, sides, to make it easier for the people in the water to get back in.
This was in some ways the most panicked of all, I wanted us to get back in the canoe before our Scoutmaster and assistant scoutmaster came around the bend and saw what had happened. I did not want them to know that I had dumped a 10-year old non-swimmer to the bottom of While Lake and almost drowned him. The current had been moving fast. If I had missed him on that first attempt, I don't know if I could have found him on a second try. It was terrifying.
I also did not know if I had the strength for a second or third try given the depth and the strength it took to fight the life vest and my own considerable natural buoyancy. The senior scouts with me and the kid looked at each other in shock.
"Pete", one said, "You almost really screwed that one up."
"Yeah," said another, "But you didn't."
"Hey," I said, "What Willy doesn't know," our Scoutmaster, "won't cause him any lost sleep or tears."
"Right." They all agreed.
"You!" The biggest of the lot said to the kid. "Keep your mouth shut about this and your butt in the bottom of the canoe."
I used what we called Willy-rope, rope our Scoutmaster used to get from tossed-out rope from his employer to tie the vest onto the kid and sat him down while we were still together. I was tempted to tie him to the canoe, but that was unsafe. We moved close to the North bank of the river, the Arf N' Barf side, and moved together as a group the last mile or so to our landing place well ahead still of the last of the 30 canoes with Willy in it.
I don't know if he ever learned that story.
Ten years later I was at my one of my sister's weddings and the kid's sister came up to me.
"Hi Peter," she said in a manner that was a lot friendlier than I would have expected given our lack of time spent together. She was my sisters' friend after all. I said Hi. She looked around. Noticed that we were sort of alone, then she grabbed me and kissed me. Hard.
"Wow! What was that for? I mean, thanks."
"You'll know what that was for if you think a little.:
"What?"
"Done any canoeing lately? Say on the White River at Owasippe?" Then the penny dropped. I knew that she knew. "Thanks. I really have liked having my brother around for the last 10 years. You know he only told me that story recently so its still a little shocking. I don't know what I would have done..."
That's more than you need to know. It made me feel good that someone knew and remembered what had happened. Not my stupidity in letting the situation get that far, though I had done all the warning I could have. But I was even gladder to hear how well he had done since then. That was the best news of all.
Switching back to the news story. This toddler has a possible future just like the kid in my story. It may be that he goes on to a great life. I sure hope so. But all those involved in his rescue deserve kudos for the attempt, from the stranger who stopped and called it in, to each hospital worker. Each life touches so many others. Each one we save, touches thousands more.
And I did not act alone. I was in the position to go to the bottom. But I had the support of the other canoes that rushed to my side. They just didn't help me hide it from Willy. That really wasn't important in the long run. They helped me get the kid out of the water fast. And back into a safe canoe, in a life vest.
When you go out in the water this summer, make sure you wear a properly fitting life vest.
Note: The White River trips started at Canoe Central near the Administration Center and Horse Corral and Ended in Whitehall at Dog 'n Suds which had great food. After almost two weeks of camp food it was like heaven on earth despite our nickname for it.
8. Elvis! It's not safe to jump onto that trampoline from the balcony! I don't care if you want to make your jail-house rock!
7. Farm radio: There's a surprise pre-dawn 2-for-1 on overalls at Ethyl's Downstate Big & Tall where "We open, before your rooster crows."
6. Liz: Michael! I love your new hideaway farmland play land! Where does this little chute go? The playroom? Michael: No! Wait! It's the laundry!
5. (Downstate Radio: The rumors that Hillary Clinton will be driving through town on her way to her next campaign stop are untrue. It is safe to return to your homes.)
4. Biker bar near the end of an impromptu road stop on the way to Chicago: Whoa! Somebody stomp on that little pink iguana! It stole my stash!
3: (Whispered for a YouTube.com video camera: Going for a new world's record, now, 500 frat-boys, 500 cows. When the gun goes off, tip!
2. Alright, who had the garbanzo beans with dinner last night?
And the Number One Line heard during last night's earthquake:
1. Shhh! We're filming the surprise early morning wake-up call for the 2009 Season Premier of NBC's The Biggest Loser - Boot Camp. We're here in the secret men's barracks somewhere in downstate Illinois. Guest host Ty Pennington gets out his bull-horn....
Two engineering students and a philosopher were walking across a university campus where one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly & said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The philosopher thought for a minute and said, "You do realize, don't you, that if you had taken the woman, she might have led you to an super-bike that was waiting for you at her home?"
"Darn", said the first engineer.
"You did the best you could", said the philosopher, "Hell, is a room full of those other bikes, and no repair kits."
Understanding Engineers & Philosophers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the philosopher, whether the glass is there or not depends on whether there is someone there to drink it.
Understanding Engineers & Philosopherss - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, an engineer, and a philosopher were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
The philosopher said, "From their point of view they're already playing at night, I'll bet they can't understand why we don't wait till daytime like a normal person. Besides, they're having the time of their lives."
"What do you mean", said the engineer?
"Well", said the philosopher, "haven't you noticed the reason they're so slow?"
"No", said the engineer.
"You'd be slow too", opined the philosopher, "if you had to stop every hole to celebrate four holes in one!"
"Four holes-in-one", complained the engineer, "that's outrageous, "how can they possibly think that four blind golfers are making holes-in-one!"
"One of them must been a part-time carpenter", snickered the philosopher, "and he's estimating for the group!"
Understanding Engineers & Philosophers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers, civil engineers & philosophers? Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets and philosophers start or stop wars in the first place.
Understanding Engineers & Philosophers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The graduate with a philosophy degree asks "Hey, you at the fries vat, how many times do I have to tell you, you don't punch in, you don't get paid"!
Understanding Engineers & Philosophers - Take Six
Three engineering students and a philosopher were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One engineer said, "It was a mechanical engineer Just look at all the joints."
Another engineer said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last engineer said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Then the philosopher chipped in, "interesting hypotheses, but all of your arguments fail, it had to be a philosopher, only a philosopher would create a body where an undistributed middle term could so often defy reason and cause so much irrational motion."
"I give up", the first engineer said, "I'm through Hegleing with you about this, your arguments have too much Sartre to them."
Understanding Engineers & Philosophers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Philosophers believe that if we think its broke, we may just misunderstand its true purpose.
Understanding Engineers & Philosophers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess & that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
After the groans had driven the audience into harder than usual drinking, the very inebriated engineer told his friend the philosopher about his new talking frog. The philosopher, from Missouri, the "Show Me" state, and a born skeptic, demanded proof, so the two made their way drunkenly back across the quad to the Engineer's room so that he could show off his new pet who promptly asked the philosopher to kiss the frog.
The Engineer panicked, but the philosopher said, "don't worry", who believes a talking frog"?
So the Engineer allowed the philosopher to hold it and pet it.
Once again the frog promised to do "anything" the philosopher wanted, if only he would kiss it. This was too much for the philosopher and skeptic or not he kissed the frog who promptly turned into a Princess.
The engineer was livid.
"I trusted you. You are my friend! How could you betray me like this! If anyone should have kissed the frog and gotten this, wow, very beautiful princess willing to do anything you asked, it should have been me!"
"Im sorry man," said the philosopher, "I really didn't believe the frog would turn it into a beautiful princess, that's just a really great bonus. But look here, I have to turn in a 40-page analysis of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason by next Friday and I'm terrified. I'd take anyone's help with that. Even a frog's!"
And they lived hoppily ever after.
Understanding Engineers & Philosophers - Take Eight
And it came to pass that in a certain department all of the employees but one became afraid to enter the office of their boss. An excellent, well meaning, but very precise engineer.
Her meetings with her staff were legend. Though the meetings with the staff as a whole were not long, woe be it the staffer called into her office for a project review for projects that she deemed to be in trouble or in need of her minute and detailed help.
Week after week this went on, some of the engineering staff having daily meetings that lasted as long as one or two hours, until they became nervous and fearful, even though the engineer was no ogre.
One day it came to pass that one of the engineers who was worst afflicted saw one of the staff coming from the dreaded bosses office with a smile on his face, even whistling a bit.
"Wait a minute," as the light dawned on her, "why is he happy? How can he be coming from that office without fear and dread on his face?"
As she thought about it, she realized that he had not had one of those long meetings in months. Not months and months.
"O.K. buster", she said, "what's your secret? I've been going crazy here with daily two hour meetings with the boss, and you seem to be exempt.?
He smiled.
"There are two reasons, the real reason, and how I do it. Which do you want?"
"Ooooh, you are nasty. I want both. None of this either or, you share this cubicle with me, now out with everything or...", he realized that she was beyond the point of no return and liked her enough to want to really help her.
"O.K. You aren't going to believe either one, but I'll tell you. The real reason you and everyone else get trapped into these meetings is that you are planners and engineers. You create the box then stay inside it. I was a philosophy major. If I see a box, I look at the box, consider its structure and form, and question it, and figure out if its moral, right, and ask, what if everyone did it. Then, if I see a problem with it, I try to work around the box or create an escape hole."
"And that's what you've done", she said.
"Sort of, In this case, the box is that our boss needs to feel that she knows what's going on with the projects in her domain and that the people running those projects know how their doing, where they are on their deadlines, what problems they face and how they are going to address them. Anyone who doesn't give her that information, she meets with UNTIL SHE GETS IT."
"Nooo." The cubicle mate said. It can't be that easy.
"I just dropped off my daily report. It lists all my projects, and everything that got done yesterday. At the end of the week I have another form that lists the goals for next week and I give her a copy of this week's sheet with done things scratched off and undone things explained.
I haven't had a single meeting since. I can email you the forms if you like, with completed copies."
"I'm going to kill you!"
"I tried to tell you this a month ago and you didn't believe me!"
"No you didn't!"
"Check your email"
Performance review time.
"In conclusion, my effort to convert the staff to our new reporting system went better than I thought."
"Great work." "I Talked to my boss. The Promotion is yours."
See, Engineers and Philosophers CAN work together.
Similarities between the individuals in this story and actual people and circumstances are coincidental and are really, really stretching the truth. Especially where alleged promotions are concerned. But as Checkov said approximately, it is nice when stories end like that, isn't it? And they all moved to Moscow and married the Princess and lived in a castle.
Thanks to my friend Andy for the original engineer jokes. All of the philosopher references have been added by yours truly.
I edit many of the jokes I get, from simple typo corrections, to complete re-writes. Sometimes there are huge improvements, sometimes I fail miserable. Only you can tell me how I did. Please tell me.
Because philosophers wind up taking hard core courses in logic, they actually tend to get along very well with engineers, at least serious ones do. Except that philosophers can write. Hee hee.
There really is a paper called Camus and the Myth of Sisyphus: Or a Rolling Rock is Here to Stay. I wrote it for my Existentialism class in college an got an A+. Thanks Babs, wherever you are.
I've been thinking, Obama has a lot going for him, but his campaign needs, something, a certain something. I know, it needs a campaign song. Something easily singable. Not a Fleetwood Mac song. Something suggesting basic values & the need for change.
So I came up with this. I'll bet half the nation is singing this within a week.
Well, maybe not. But I had fun doing it. Then I had to take out all the bashing. LOL.
Still, it was fun. What do you think? Please, use the comments section to tell me what you think!
I'm going to vote for Obama he's our next President I'm sick and tired of the same old rut they took our money and spent, spent, spent, spent, spent.
What we need is a leader who can steer us right back on course 'cause if we don't - make some kind of change - things in America could get still worse!
So first, he needs nomination then, he needs our support then, we get out voter registration So in the end we won't fall just sho-o-ort.
Obama can heal the nation join the Obama campaign, get - on - the Obama bandwagon - you'll be - glad - you came!
Important! This song has not been endorsed by Senator Obama.
Even so, you can easily forward this to friends and relatives using the envelope icon below. If I get a chance I will update this post with a sound clip. Oh joy, you are thinking if you have heard me sing on My Blog Theme Song on the sidebar (snicker).
As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.
We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true. As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. Its your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not. True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.
Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign
10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort?
9 - Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?
8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?
7 - Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton - presuming a fall victory - to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function?
Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?
6 - Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).
5 - Is it true that one night during the Clinton Administration Hillary wandered into the war room under the White House during a supposed crises and caught Bill and the Joint Chiefs drinking and playing poker, and rather than getting mad she took a seat at the table and cleaned everyone out except the Navy cook who had come in to serve sandwiches and who split the last pot with her?
4 - Is it true that Thursday is "pantsuit day" for everyone on the campaign but that only Bill refuses to bow down to the pressure, which is why you never see him on the trail on Thursdays?
3 - Could it really be that Hillary's 'George W' given nickname is 'Tinkerbell', that no one knows why, and that the Senator's campaign staff is afraid to ask her about it?
2 - Is it possible that Hillary has a secret Taco Bell habit formed when that "cute little dog" was on all the commercials and that she thought it was funny because his English reminded her of W's?.
1 - Is the deepest darkest secret of the Hillary Clinton campaign: that to lock up at least one Presidential nomination, using Hollywood special effects makeup, Hillary is secretly running for President as John McCain with Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live masquerading as Cindy McCain? This could explain Tina Fey's strange outburst two weeks ago on SNL during weekend update!
Oh, how America wants to know the truth. Or do we?
Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.
So, how did you spend your leap day? That extra day we get every four years, give or take the ones added or subtracted for century or millennia occasions. Wiki it if you like to get the formula.
Was there anything special about the day for you? Did you take some time off? Spend a few extra minutes surfing on line? Call a friend? Order a pizza but then realize you couldn't put meat on it (if you were a practicing Catholic or Jewish or possibly Hindi (at least not sausage)).
If you were an accountant type did you realize that salaried folk got hit up for an extra day of work for no extra pay while union hourly types got an extra 8 hours pay but that everyone has an extra day of work because of leap year? It seems that we should have a day off on February 29th 2 days out of every 7 leap years. Better yet, why not make it a holiday - say - History of Time awareness day. Not a big enough holiday to celebrate every year, but big enough to take a day off once every 4 years.
Think about it. The commercial possibilities are endless.
Greeting Cards:
I'll still be leaping for you 4 years from now!
I forgot about my boyfriend and leapt for you last night, it was great, see you in 4 years!
Hey, diddle, diddle, was that you I saw leaping over the moon last night you #%*& cow!
T-Shirts:
I Shoulda Looked on Leap Years Now I'm Stuck With This Guy And His Kids! (Arrow)
Take a Leap for (insert disease here). The Quadrennial Long Jump Competition where every inch counts.
I only bring the whole Leap Year topic up because an awful lot of people seem to be looking for leap-year jokes and looking here for them. Unfortunately I hadn't put any up here - till now.
Q: What did the blonde name her leap-year's-baby?
A: Leap Ear
Q. What College did she send daughter Leap Ear to?
A. Look Before U.
Q. At college Leap Ear Met the Son of Environmentalists who named him to commemorate an environmental disaster while affirming the importance of passion in life. They decided to blend their names in marriage. What would their new names be?
A. He became Love-Leap Ear-Canal and she became Leap-Love Canal-Ear. They almost broke up over whether to have their honeymoon at Lover's Leap or Love Canal when Leap Ear's Mother gave them free tickets to Disneyworld. After all, if you love ears, you can't pass on a free trip to Disneyworld.
The blond guy got called into his boss' 20th floor office. He was about to be fired for missing a mandatory staff meeting.
"But Boss", he said, "our meeting software has bugs in it all the time, so when it showed a staff meeting on an alleged 'February 29th' instead of March 1st, I figured it went goofy again and used my standing first of the month time off request to visit my sick Mom at the rest home."
The boss said, haven't you ever heard of 'Leap Year'?
The blond guy said, "Hey, I'm a team player, you want me to leap, you just tell me how high!"
At that the boss just opened his window and said, "Try six feet...."
Baby New Year sang to Father Time: "Jeepers Creepers Where'd you get those Leap Years!"
I'll admit these are pretty lame, but they are original. Just be glad I didn't add 17 lines to the Baby New Year's Song!
Oh, my leap day was spent mostly in bed feeling fluish. I didn't even know I was fluish. I don't even own one of those round black hats. I respect the flues. I get a flue shot every year. In my right arm. Or my left arm. Sometimes the nurse shoots me somewhere else occidentally. I don't mean to seem to be needling fluishness but I've been reading Woolly Allen all day.
Apparently my bed is Without Feathers. But I learned how to Cheat Death, just play chess with him, or checkers, or backgammon, or use a striped deck. I don't know why stripes help, maybe they confuse death. After reading this whole book of his collected short stories I have learned a lot about being fluish, its just like being Iris, only you can eat more things together if you're Iris and you only get starved to death or blown up if you're Iris whereas if you're fluish they get you a whole lot of other ways.
I think the score is probably something like Iris 1.5 million killed, starved to death, blown up since about 1500 (facts need checking), flues 7 million going back to when G_D didn't want people to use the vowel in his name and had this great secretary named Moses who knew when to quit taking down commandments before they got silly. Though I sometimes wish "Though shalt not pester thy father or mother endlessly in the store for stuff" had gotten in there somewhere. Probably because HE knew it would do no good anyway. Why put in a commandment that would only undermine his authority?
This is where having had the flue for 5 days is bad. Not because I am open to charges of worshipping a porcelain idol, albeit an American Idol, from Wisconsin, in fact, but because I don't know when to quit.
So if I have insulted you I am sorry. If I have bored you. Now that makes me feel really yucky. My spell checker tells me that yuck is a work but that yucky is not.
I am certain that the phrase "rumpshy-gumpshy in the trash bank" does not qualify as a commonly used idiom for "about to toss my cookies" either, though I heard it from my father every time I wanted to throw up, in fact students of Pavlov might wonder whether after some years the relationship might have reversed itself.
Well, on that note, most of you can pretty well be assured that your leap year's day was better and more comfortably spent than mine. Especially after my son started jumping up and down on my bed yelling "Pillow Fight!"
As you may be aware, while not playing Old Maid in the Cloakroom, the Illinois State Legislature has been going through many machinations this month to solve the Chicago Transit Authority's funding crisis.
Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich stunned all of the politicos in Illinois and Chicago especially when he finally announced, through an amendatory veto, the part of the CTA rescue plan that he'd been keeping under his thinking cap, probably so that he'd get sole credit for it, that all senior citizens would ride free under his new plan, leading to the headline above, albeit, I hope a fictional one.
Illinois Governor's New Transit Plan Solves Senior Homeless Problem at One, er, Stroke
Not that Senior Citizens ever have strokes, or would ride CTA perpetually in cold weather under the new plan.
Or would shoot CTA Service Planning all to heck and back by giving unlimited riding to any market segment.
Of course, there are some benefits to the plan, a lot of Senior riding is in the off-peak, that is from 9 am to 3 pm on weekdays and on the weekends, when CTA has more capacity. One problem though is that Seniors tend to be early risers and may be tempted to ride early, between 5:30 and 7:30 when CTA does not have extra capacity.
A simple solution would be to charge everyone the same thing during these times, Senior Citizen or no, or, to charge the current half fare during peak hours. Otherwise, CTA may be forced to purchase even more equipment than it has now, and given its current capital needs crisis that would not be a good thing.
Yes, I thought of other headlines that could be in our future:
New Senior Fare Plan Leads To Need For Bathrooms on Buses and Trains
What the El is Leaking From That Train?
CTA Now Has More Depends-Able Public Transportation
New Bus Routes To Go Past Funeral Home Viewing Windows In Off-Peak On Request, Seniors Dying to Use New Service Option
I'm Tired Of Your Complaining Mom, Go Jump On A Bus!
CTA Ridership Up, Seats Down, Seniors Eye Chicago As New Vacation Mecca
Of course, this is all in fun. What ever they can do to give CTA a stable source of income without stealing from the hard working employees and retirees of CTA is a good thing, in my book.
Did you know that coming into downtown from O'Hare or Midway you can save $30 to $40 taking CTA's safe Blue and Orange lines and as much as 30 and 40 minutes as well? That time and money combination is hard to beat!
I think that everyone commenting on the issue is missing the central point that since Reagan cut funding of Transit Operations (not Capital Funding) to transit properties in the 90's, in Chicago that was a loss of 80+ million a year, Illinois, unlike many other states, never figured out a way to pick up the difference. (Cf: NYCTA, Boston, Septa, etc). Instead its been blame CTA for problems caused elsewhere and lack of the political will to do what was needed. And in a region that needs CTA as much as this one does, not to mention Pace and Metra, that's no joke.
I can't help wondering why, when after the last 3 census counts when Chicago lost population, legislators were eager to cut CTA, why after the last census when the City of Chicago's population grew, legislators were not more willing to sustain or even expand CTA?
Especially since the new population, Hispanics, are very likely to use CTA for many of their trips.
Makes you wonder, doesn't it.
Seniors Refuse Free Rides On CTA, Want Free Cars From Oprah Instead
After feedback from my most frequent readers (family members, bar patrons and hobos with T1 connections) I have made several changes to the way the automatic stream of YouTube.com videos stream to The Peter Files Blog of Comedy.
Before changing the content stream formula, I started by editing my blog template to move the video window to after title and the text in each post to make it easier for subscribers and regular readers to skip the videos and get right into the original content of the blog.
I then went to YouTube.com and changed the key words that triggered the videos streamed here from a list of random comedy key words to a list of comedy celebrities that I knew had content on YouTube.
Oddly this has resulted in an almost unanimous stream of Obama Girl - Amber Lee Ettinger videos, despite her presence near the end of the list. (see below) Perhaps it is the huge interest in the election, or her own huge popularity, but I find it odd that call for Obama girl videos is eclipsing the likes of Robin Williams, Billy Crystal and the others on the list. While I certainly don't mind all the cute videos, all the political videos was not what I had in mind for this spot, and I wanted to mention that and thought I would let you know that I am trying to fix this.
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