I don't know about your household, but we got our George Bush Vote for The Republicans Stimulus Bribe Check last week. Oops, did I call it a bribe? Certainly not. A bribe would have to have a chance of working and who in their right mind would think that the paltry sums contained in the, as comedian Chevy Chase would have put it, economic stimulus (bribes) checks would be near enough to pay for the vast damage done to our economy my W.
I wouldn't even try to put a price tag on the lives lost fighting (trillions) in Iraq if I had my way, because the lives of those brave service woman and service men who died in the service of their country were priceless. The fact that they were sent there by a lying no good idiot does not demean the bravery and nobility of their service one tiny bit, nor the service of those there now.
Those in the service of our country are stuck with the commander in chief we vote for. Thankfully, both of the current candidates have to be far better than the current monkey in chief. Don't they. Well certainly Obama is. I have some trouble with McCain, but I don't think he is an idiot. No one could be as dumb as our fearless leader.
Perhaps I am being charitable by suggesting that W is in fact dumb. Perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all the way along. Frightening thought isn't it. Suppose where we are today, deeply in debt, gas prices at an all time high, trapped in an expensive and costly war with an ungodly number of dollars, are we up to $ trillions yet, spent on an ill focused war, exactly where W wanted us to be at the end of his administration?
Is this possible? Would it be legal? Would it be a violation of his oath of office to protect and defend the American Constitution? Would it even be, as some have suggested, be treason?
Thank God this is a blog of Satire and not some serious publication or scholarly news program like Fox TV where I might have to come up with facts to support such a supposition. You know that I have got to be kidding.
The President of these United States would never risk prison by doing such naught things. I mean, its not as if his successor would ever pardon him! Ha! That could Never happen! Nixon who? You mean that really happened once? You mean a President who was probably guilty of a few crimes resigned from the White House and then was issued a blanket pardon by his successor? Like wow. What was his name? Nixon?
Never heard of him. Oh, that's that dude that died awhile back. They made a movie about him once didn't they? Didn't Robert Redford play him? Or was it O.J. Simpson, I get confused about those older dudes.
(Satire, satire.)
So, I have a modest proposal, a 25% tax on the gross revenues of all companies doing business in Iraq, plus a 25% tax on all Oil Company gross revenues, with the proceeds to be divided equally between all taxpayers for the next 10 years or until our soldiers come back from Iraq for the former (including mercenaries), and gas prices drop until Oil company profits are under 5%, without exaggerated costs.
What's the justification?
It's in the national interest and in the interest of homeland security.
Oil and gas prices currently drive the cost of all other prices. The desire to make huge profits at our expense with a vital resource has been irresponsibly used at a time when we are at war. So, take control of the industry and give the money back to the taxpayers who have been paying through the nose for it. At least enough so that the industry will self-regulate itself.
Whatever you do this fall, don't base your vote on this stimulus bribe. It'll be gone in gas and grocery bills, long gone by November anyway.
And Don't forget to declare it on your 2008 income tax return. Since no taxes were deducted from it, it'll probably be a pretty big hit next April, long after the election is over.
One spring day I was walking past the athletic field of a local girls high school the other day and a throng of high school girls behind its fence were were shouting enthusiastically "69.... 69.... 69...!"
As they kept it up, I got more and more curious, but the wooden fence was too high to see over.
I knew better of course, but when I saw a little gap in the planks, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through to see what was going on.
Then one of the girls poked me in the eye with a stick.
They all started shouting '70.... 70.... 70...!"
If you thought this was a dirty joke, shame on you! This blog is a clean blog, but sometimes people with dirty minds come to the wrong secretions. Here we strive to be always Safe for work, home, truth, justice and the American way. Wait, based on internet usage that seems to be p.... Never mind.
Thanks to Andy for this joke that I have twisted all out of proportion. You can send me a joke too and get credit if you wish. Just send it to: {http:// thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}.
Remove the extra spaces, replace the at and dot with an @ and . and you'll have the address. Add the word Joke in the title line please. Tell me if you want credit for you. I don't do ANYTHING with your email address, except maybe make friends with you myself. I hate spam.
A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you:
I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .
And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.
I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.
Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.
But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!
If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way......
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems.
Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post, all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" When he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!" (You're gonna love this....)
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
The site also identifies U.S. States that have laws against "Speed Traps", indicates steps how one might fight one in their own community, and other useful things. For the purposes of this discussion we might define Speed Trap as an illegal or immoral trap using hanky panky to get traffic tickets rather than legitimate methods to catch those breaking the law.
For example, waiting near hidden speed change signs, etc.
These types of Speed Traps I have no problems with being identified publicly.
But what about the other kind?
Places where it is perfectly O.K. for police to hang out and watch for speeders, DUI offenders and others making traffic offenses. Perhaps it is a place where it is easy to pull over, write a citation, bring someone to a mailbox to observe them paying their fine so that they can give them their license back and then return to the highway easily and lead the offender back to the highway quickly so that they lose a minimum amount of time and confusion getting back.
Is a website like this effective?
Is convenient policing wrong?
Is it wrong to point out these locations?
In my own county, Cook in Illinois, I would have to say no to the first question. There are only three places listed. Perhaps this is because the Illinois State Police do a really effective job of moving around the highways near Chicago and so they don't need to find one spot to work from. Also, given the volume of traffic during rush hour, there are so many accidents that so many citations (e.g. following too closely) are written, that perhaps speeding is incidental within the city limits except for highway work zone violations, a $500 ticket!
I think the problem with convenient policing comes when you get out into lower volume areas where either local residents receive a disproportionate number of citations just because they must use the highway to get around and the local government is using the highway as a significant funding source, or for the same end reason, local residents are easily recognized and never pulled over for any reason, or only for the most serious offenses, eg., stolen vehicles or DUI.
When this kind of funny business is going on then the line becomes very grey about whether it is a good idea for the public to list these places. To what degree does the desire to go fast yourself outweigh your own self interest in surviving an accident given the much higher crash fatality rates at very high speeds? By giving away these locations or speeding except for these places are we signing our own death or disability warrants for ourselves or family members?
Finally, law enforcement knows how to use the internet now. Yup, took them awhile to get on the bandwagon, but they are onboard now, but whose to say that the data on the website is accurate. What if the speed trap listed is a quarter of a mile too late. Uh-oh, busted!
Personally, I have found that speeding doesn't pay. What pays is avoiding long rest stops. Every rest stop you avoid, from my calculations, on a 300 mile trip, is worth about 10-20 mph over the whole journey. The longer the stop, the more stops you make, you might as well go 55.
One trip to Wisconsin, my brother-in-law and I were going up, he made two extra rest stops of 10 minutes each going much faster than we were. We beat him by 5 minutes. He only missed getting a ticket because someone happened to pass him going 90 at JUST the right moment.
So, I'd love to hear your comments. Is this website useful, moral, amoral, or a complete waste of time? Or is it sometime just easier to use the intercity bus or train or local transit?
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
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A cat was minding its own business when a neutron spinning its way through the vastness of the universe passed through it without making any sort of impact at all, so small was the neutron and so large was the cat.
The cat entered a box and died inside it, never knowing that the neutron, two quarks, and some silly strings vibrating together across space time had intersected it within the box randomly having nothing to do whatsoever with its death.
Another cat, Poopsie, was pestering the drunken brother of its owner who was supposed to be cat sitting. An experimental type, he decided, after a visit to The Neutrino Bar, to discover whether cats really did right themselves when falling, and whether the distance falling made a difference in their ability to land on their feet.
Unfortunately for Poopsie, the experiment was conducted from a 19th floor apartment balcony.
Unfortunately for science, the drunken brother managed to pass out between the Poopsie's descent from floor 9 to ground zero.
Unfortunately, for Ms. Hysteria V. Prunchunas, owner of the cat, her reunion with her beloved Poopsie was approximately 3 days and 19 floors early due to bad weather in the Wisconsin Dells, her brother's misunderstanding of the impact of the the potential harm implicit in the formula F=G((m1*m2)/(s*s)), and some particularly bad luck.
It has been suggested that Ms. Prunchunas may have observed, just prior to the Poopsie's (et. al.) striking her full in the face, alerted by Poopsie's familiarly tortured howling, the position/orientation of the cat's feet. (Cf: v=32ft/sec/sec)
Unfortunately for science, if she observed this datum, she failed in her duty to report it.
Are you adrift in the universe like the cat who missed the neutron passing through it, ignorant in your existential angst?
Are you in your loneliness and despair potential fodder for the pseudo scientific experiments of drunken relatives and bad vacations that could even lead to your own untimely demise, leaving you so unaware and disconnected from society that even in your final moments you fail to report essential scientific datia?
DON'T BE LIKE THIS!!!
Wake up and smell the presence of the others on the Internet.
Step out and show people you care about them by sending electrons, not paltry neutrons, towards the servers serving their in-boxes!
Send this to at least 10 people, so that they know that you know at least 10 people on the internet and do not live in a cabin alone with your cats in Vermont or Rhode Island.
Everyone Knows that the only cool place to do this is Maine which has relatively fewer 19 story buildings and is thus safer for cat owners with drunk brothers willing to cat sit (without getting so drunk as to sit on the cats accidentally).
If you do not know 10 people, make up 5 addresses or more to start with. In general, the more addresses you put on forwarded email, the cooler you are! This is true! Every spam address seller agrees 100%!
Do Change your life today.
Show those you barely know that you really, really, really care about them, by sending them this message over and over again!
Dare to be investigated!
Only then will you know the bliss, of starting to become part of the backbone of the Information Superhighway, those who will know that their E-mail addresses will go down in history in the unerasable archives of government servers.
If you fail to do this, you will rob the teeming masses of the question:
Would this make a good opening for a poem?
I heard a cat screech as I died
or
I felt a cat scratch before I died
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it..........
P.S. Barry Bonds Broke Hank Aaron's Home Run Record this week. Good for him. As a White Sox fan the issues never really impacted us since he rarely faced us in his whole lifetime of play. My take is if the Majors let someone get that far, they deserve the the record. I hope he runs it up past 800. If he does, that ought to quiet some of the critics a little.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Recently I got yet another one of those e-mails that get sent around, yet another one with 9 "Stories of Stupidity". Unfortunately for humanity, they all have the ring of truth, and, I am glad to say, I have made none of these mistakes, nor have I ever put a CTA transit card into a dollar bill feed on a bus farebox.
Nor have I ever piloted a boat into a pylon in the Chicago River running next to the old underground mail and coal railroad system, breaking a hole into the tunnel from the river causing the system to flood, water to pour into the basements of many downtown buildings, and Bruce Moffat's heavily illustrated book about Chicago's underground tunnel system to be photocopied by the hundreds from the CTA library where he works (no, nobody asked for his permission, he only knew the source because of the stamped "Property of the CTA library" all over its pages - it worked out OK for Bruce though, his book went into another printing, sold many more copies, and he got a much better job at CTA. It's a very interesting book by the way.)
I've added that little anecdote because I have decided to update the original post, Stories of Stupidity - I, with small corrections in grammar, spelling, that sort of thing. I've done this because recently that story has been getting quite a few hits and I thought I had better fix it up and perhaps, re-release it. But if I was going to do that, I thought I should add a little something new for those who have been reading all along. Back to the original email stories and my additions to them.
Stories of stupidity. Sometimes you wonder, could things this stupid really happen?
So I have added three stories of stupidity that I saw happen with my very own eyes, not overheard by a cousin or a friend, or a friend of a friend. If you forward this you can quote the source of these as Peter of Http://thepeterfiles.blogspot.com and that's a fact. There were multiple witnesses to the last two who I could dig up if it was worth it.
But first, the 9 that triggered the post. Believe them or don't.
If you have a stupid story to share, feel free to add it as a comment. Don't be bothered by my reviewing. I only usually reject ads or adult material.
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't ?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Then three of my own:
A man riding on the nearly empty upper deck of a Rock Island commuter train heading into work around 9:30 in the morning is looking at a catalog and starts to make an order over his cell phone.
As he does so, the people in the car seated below him start looking at each other incredulously, "Is this guy really stupid enough to do what we think he is going to do?"
Sure enough he starts reading off the numbers of an American Express Gold (from the color) card, he gets about 8 or 9 digits in when I bellow up "EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T GET THOSE LAST TWO NUMBERS, COULD YOU REPEAT THEM PLEASE?" and the whole car starts laughing hysterically.
Red faced the man in the upper deck immediately closed his cell phone, shaking his head at what a stupid thing he was about to finish doing.
"Thank you, that was a pretty stupid thing I was doing wasn't it?"
To which half the car yelled "YES!" which made him more red, but then I added,
"Could have been worse, at least you didn't repeat the last two numbers!" Even he laughed at that.
While working at summer camp when I was 16 we slept on large metal cots with a foam mattress with a plastic cover which saved one of the larger C.I.T.'s or Counselor-in-Training's lives.
CIT's were only 15 and only made $10 for the summer, which basically paid for laundry money, though meals and lodging were free, and of course they got the great experience of working at one of America's premiere scout camps, the Owasippe Scout Reservation, working in this case at the section camp know as Camp Robert Crown where I was working as a regular staffer.
Largely because of their age and lack of experience CIT's were not known as being the swiftest kids on the staff, but this kid took the cake.
The State of Michigan required a mandatory "nap" for all kids under 18 in summer camps between 1 and 2 pm, which we referred to as "shoes-off merit badge" during which the kids had to be in their tents and on their canvas cots with their feet off the floor. Staff were exempt, but many of the staff took advantage of this siesta time since there were often some programmed hours in the evening that a given staff member had to attend.
I will never forget walking down staff row towards the administrative lodge when I heard yelling and screaming coming from this CIT's cabin tent which he shared with another. His roommate was yelling too, "Don't get off with one foot you'll fry, you have to jump, jump!"
Well jump he did, off the cot, out the door, his hair on end, and smoking, followed by his friend with a towel who threw it on his friends hair to make sure that if there was any real burning it was out.
What had happened was this. The staff cabins were electrified and the very heavy staff member had let the cable for his electric clock radio get under the metal legs of his cot which had just happened to sever the cord as I was walking by.
This turned the cot into a sparking electric bed, from which this CIT had been protected somewhat from the foam and plastic cover, but he had been sleeping, and had been terrified when awakened by his cabin-mate to find the bed sparking around him. As he was jumping off he touched some part of the bed and got a real jolt, but not enough to hold him to the bed or kill him.
As he came spinning down the hill, patting his head to see if it was on fire, screaming like a plucked chicken, as he ran to and jumped into the camp pool, fully clothed except for his shoes, it looked funnier than hell, but it was not for him.
I'm pretty sure that the first thing everyone did immediately after that was check the cords in their cabin and whether their cots were sitting on any cords. I knew mine weren't already.
The last story happened a few years earlier when I was a scout at the a different section camp (Stuart) that no longer appears on the map above when two brothers, to protect their identities we'll call them JJohn and DDennis or J and D for short, decided to bring up candy and a cigarette rolling machine and sell candy and cigarettes to other scouts at camp, our troop and any others. They figured they could make a few quick bucks and they did. The leaders knew about the candy operation but J & D neglected to tell them about the cigarette making venture. By making them out of cheap tobacco the costs were really bare bones and I suspect at home the little machine had other uses. Just a suspicion of course.
Well J & D had a rousing little business and did quite well. We were there for two weeks and some troops were up there only one, and while the camp had a trading post J made a point of having different products and fairly low prices giving a good value. By the middle of the second week he had about 80 dollars in his bulging wallet. He kept it all in there because he did not trust that the trunk they kept their wares in could not be broken into and while large boxes of candy could be found in a camp-wide search, cash was another matter. Or so J the mastermind of the operation thought.
That was until D started arguing with him while they were in the Kybo or outhouse (a relatively safe place to smoke (HA!) without getting caught by the leaders) about getting his hands on his share of the cut and accidentally knocked J's wallet in the hole! (Kybo is a military acronym for outhouse that stems from a saying probably to remind soldiers of the dangers of going into battle on a full stomach - Keep Your Bowels Open).
This caused a massive crisis for J & D and one of the most exciting moments of that summer. In instants the entire camp (not just our troop) learned the news as J tried to figure out how to get his wallet back, nestled as it were on the surface of horror, 6-8 feet below.
He soon realized, while several of the less kind members of the troop taunted him about needing to go, and go right NOW, that he could not find anything long enough to lower except DDennis who was just thin enough to be lowered through the hole to retrieve the wallet which was slowly starting to sink, bit by bit.
As can be expected DDennis was not too excited about this plan.
What if you drop me?
You can swim can't you?
But that's gross!
It's your fault, you knocked the wallet down there in the first place.
But it's not fair.
Sure it's fair, I am strong enough to lower you but you are not strong enough to lower me.
Why not have more guys lower me? Not enough room. Besides, look around, are you sure that they wouldn't rather drop you?
Like I can trust you on that?
Yeah, but if I dropped you, you'd tell mom and dad.
Yeah, and they'd beat the crap out of you, ironic huh. I still don't want to do it.
O.K. , but you owe me 90 dollars. 90! But what about my share?
It's a 40 dollar wallet, I should charge you for that anyway, but if you get it and clean it, I may forget about that, but the longer you argue the deeper it goes and the harder it will be to clean, and if it goes below the surface, the harder it will be to find.
Ugh. O.K. You win. Lower me down.
And so, D emptied his pockets, took off his watch and let J lower him down into the smelly pool of filth of unknown depth as all of those gathered around the building groaned in disgust and listened to hear the sounds of a splash and squeal indicating the worst fate we could imagine without physical harm.
It was then we realized that J probably should have put some kind of rope harness on D.
After two or three near drops and D having trouble because he was waving back and forth like a pendulum, he did manage to retrieve the wallet.
Then J realized that pulling D back up was going to be harder than lowering him down and as soon as he began to have trouble he had several extra hands pulling D back up to D's enormous relief.
Then everyone immediately backed up because the wallet in D's hand was half covered in, well, you know. D didn't smell too good either.
In light of the story that came out a year or two ago about multiple deaths that occurred in a latrine collapse in Asia as one person dived in to rescue another who fell in and passed out, then the next passed out, then the next, until the death toll was terribly large, I now realize that the whole thing was even stupider than we thought at the time.
Though its a wonder the darn thing never exploded from the smoking and fumes. Must have been just ventilated enough....
Well if those three stories really happened I guess the ones before it could have too. That's it for this file,
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Paris Hilton is out of jail on house arrest after totally freaking because:
There wasn't a yummy mint on her prison pillow.
Prison Orange Jammies, like totally clashed with her UV-Tan.
The wake-up call was a wake-up-brawl.
Room service was like so hard to reach when you have to call it with a spoon tapping against a pipe and delivery takes like, forever!
TAPWATER! I'm so sure.
She couldn't get used to bed time foot wear that did not have pink fluffy hair.
There were no openings in "How to make a shiv class" while she was still going to be there, so, like what was the point.
When she got her prison clothes the shoe lady said "Minola who"?
After 12 hours of whining, E-block voted her out of the prison.
Like, nobody told her that her cell would not have a phone number!
The warden really got tired fast of all the faxes from her posse clogging up the prison's fax machine line. Especially the ones that seemed to originate from photocopiers at night.
During dinner the first night there was absolutely NO cilantro to be found!
During her interview for potential prison jobs, Paris and the prison work assignment staff came to the mutual realization that Paris actually had no skills that would be useful in a prison. Even library aide generally requires reading skills.
Paris didn't warrant a private cell, but mean time to cell-mate shrieking hysterically to "get out of this living hell" was about 15 minutes.
Even "Deaf Bertha" was driven crazy by the tap, tap, tapping on the bed, bars and floor every time Paris thought about money, shopping or.... Bertha lasted a whole half hour before signing her pleas to be "tossed in the hole". (Note: in the interest of sensitivity to those with physical disabilities, Bertha's real nickname has been softened to the considerably less offensive "Deaf Bertha". Come on, no one would believe for a second that anyone in a prison would be called "Hearing Impaired Bertha".)
Paris started seeing dark roots in the mirror that weren't really there.
The deal to get cameras in for a Very Special Summer Real Life With Paris Hilton and Mad Dog Margo fell through.
The paparazzi was getting on everyone's nerves a lot faster than anyone anticipated, the prison staff really wasn't used to dealing with people who broke into prison - and figuring out if it was o.k. to let them out once they caught them.
Confined space, ugly outfit, being told what to do and when to do it, it was like being 10 again! No, Doctor Shrink said this would never, ever, ever happen again. She promised!
Paris learned the hard way that unsynthesized vocal music can sometimes be subjected to harsh criticism after being moved to F-block. However, singing Cat Scratch Fever, Tied to a Whipping Pole, and Like A Virgin after midnight, showed questionable judgment at best.
Paris had an allergic reaction to the prison food - it had calories in it.
And if you believe those, I've got some land East of Evanston for you. Beautiful lake-front property....
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This is another one of those posts that have my older friends going - huh? What do you see in that show?
They just don't understand. Given a change in the age limits of the show that could be ME up there. Really. No kidding.
"Sure you say."
"Come' on producers, get rid of the age limits you cowards and let's see."
My relatives are laughing their heads off right now. Some of them. The others believe.
Anyway, I'm way off the track. If you found this post, its because you do care about who wins the American Idol Season 6 Finale: 25 year old Blake Lewis or 17 year old Jordin Sparks.
Blake Lewis - His Songs From The Season 6 Semi-Final Show + Comments from Jackson, Abdul and Cowell
Jordin Sparks - Her songs from the Season 6 Semi-Final Show Without Comments From Jackson, Abdul and Cowell
Because of the absence of te glowing remarks for Sparks, these videos are not really fair comparisons so try to ignore the judges, just pay attention to the performances if you are just coming to this for the first time.
I would have rather directed you to the Fox American Idol Music Video Page which shows many of Blake and Jordin's best performances, but there is so much demand on that server right now that the YouTube videos are the only way to see these videos. To make up for not having judges remarks for Jordin's Semi final performances, I include this one from an earlier show.
Jordin Sparks - On a Clear Day You Can See Forever
SO who will win?
As you might guess from my intro, I don't think that age should be a factor, period.
So Jordin gets no extra creds for being so talented at 17 and Blake none for being likely, possibly to be more stable at 25. All that counts is their singing.
That being said I think that they are both huge talents and think already that this is a win win for AI producers who probably have them already tied into contracts. Or should if they are not idiots. That being said, my personal feeling is that Jordin is more innovative, original, and has greater star power. Then again, she's a great looking babe.
But man can she sing.
Blake is also phenomenally talented. He has lots of fans and ahs he history of Soul Patrol dynamics working for him. Women voting for him because he's hot, men to keep up the faith, and many just because he is talented.
On the other hand, Jordin has charisma, natural talent, beauty, charm, power and the ability to make a song her own.
I think that the results will be very close.
So how will it go. Are you going to make a difference?
If so, are you going to take advantage of your chance to vote for free perpetually to vote for someone you like, or mess things up?
Popular strategies:
1) Pick the ones you like and vote for them using auto redial as often as possible. Using more than one line if possible to hit the alternate numbers and a computer and second line if you have them.
2) Convince friends and family to engage in the same screwy behavior. If close to a time zone line be prepared to drive across the time zone line to get in an extra hour of calling, especially if you are on the boarder of Mountain or Pacific time.
3) I've not checked out votefortheworst.com but you have the option of following their lead or voting against it just for spite.
4) Here's one I thought of today. Just boost the numbers up as high as possible just to tie up the phone lines by voting for each candidate in sequence as long as you can. Just do your best to generate a huge volume of calls. Every call you make may block other calls trying to stack the deck, so by slipping your calls in you are actually making the competition fairer because you always vote for one after the other. You don't switch until you are sure a vote gets through.
Remember, you can vote as many times as you want. The best way to do this is to have two phone extensions on the same line, or two lines and pay attention. But have one dedicated to a number for each candidate. Then you just hit redial on each phone until you get through. Stopping on the other until you get the other ones vote to go through. The end result is an even number of votes for each.
Fun huh?
Even better if your computer does it for you.
Well there are my thoughts.
I thought this season was pretty good. Melinda is well on her way to being the Jennifer Hudson of this season. Watch for her at the Grammy's next year, and don't forget to visit here again!
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As The International School of Blog Repair became more popular, we realized that many of our students were using their high salaries from blog repair to go skiing, but found that many facets of skiing, unlike blog repair, were not intuitively obvious to the casual observer.
With that in mind we have culled the experiences of our top Blog Repair School Instructors, some of our best graduates, and other internet resources to provide this free guide for those who contemplate taking up skiing next season.
We strongly feel that the key to success in any undertaking is preparation and so we offer this guide to those who have always wanted to ski like a pro, but have never had the time to learn. Going to a ski resort and learning there is incredibly expensive. But what if you could learn years of lessons in the year before you went up? Why you would save perhaps thousands of dollars and years of time.
You might ask, why would we do such a thing? Offer a valuable program like this for free?
First, we want to serve our own Instructors and Graduates. Somehow, those attracted to Blog repair are also attracted to rugged high adventure activities such as skiing, skydiving, scuba diving, and doing their laundry at laundry bar cafes. Who knew?
Next, we are pretty much absolutely unqualified to give out this kind of advice. Skiing seems to make sense to us, so we offer this course to you on a "take this advice completely at your own risk basis".
We feel this is fair because skiing is also a take this at your own risk sort of enterprise and you are free at anytime to say nope - that's just crazy.
Finally, since people who wind up being graduates of our International Blog Repair School tend to like skiing, we hope the reverse is true and that you will consider enrolling there. In the words of the nearly immortal Stan Lee, "Nuff said".
The International School of Skiing Instruction Unqualified Guide to Preparation for Skiing A Jump Start to Learning to Ski For Next Season Follow this Advice At Your Own Risk It was composed by utter Morons For the Benefit of Future Skiers Please make The International School of Blog Repair or The Peter Files Blog Your New Insurance Policy Beneficiaries Before You Start Skiing
Now that spring is here, it is s time for potential new skiers to start getting ready for next year's skiing season. I'm not kidding, you'll need the time. Before you know it, next season will be here. You will need lots of preparation to be ready for your first season on the slopes, hence, the following list of helpful exercises to get you prepared.
As far as we can tell, never having skied ourselves, these are THE definitive exercises for those who wish to truly prepare for an aggressive skiing season; ignore them at your peril for they will prepare you both physically and psychologically:
20. Forget that image of the broken-legged skier in the lodge, soaking up the flames and the babes. Once you are lame, they consider you as a lame candidate for romance, unless your watch is a Rolex or better and your car is a Ferrari: they know the difference between the real thing and a knock-off.
You might as well destroy and wardrobe from Sears, Kmart, or Target it this is your plan. Also, there are pictures of all the phony casts made by zip on, zip off cast manufactures in the ladies rooms, so you can forget that angle. A few even have portable x-ray machines stashed in their large purses which they sometimes use to examine more than leg damage! I would explain more but the editor has restrained me from exposing their full tactics as this is supposed to be a safe for family blog.
19. Build a permanent ladder up to the roof of your house. Build a series of rollers down to the ground along one side so that you can practice from rooftop. Important: Your artificial slope MUST extend beyond the ground at the base of your house for at least fifteen feet or an inconvenience will occur that will not be that dissimilar to inconveniences you will experience regularly on the slopes your first few days or weeks depending on your physical strength and agility. Do not try the cross-ski method of stopping on this test slope. It will not work and may lead to significant unplanned vertical lift and descent with added rotation and momentum upon landing.
18. Read the posts on skiing forums that describe different skiing resorts, their facilities, and their training facilities for new skiers. Try to stay away from resorts that cater solely to untrained snow bunnies as these will be too crowded and thus hazardous for your first time efforts. Ignore warnings about dangerous slopes, the lack of easy slopes, and killer descents as these warnings are primarily designed to keep the real snow bunnies away.
Even though this will be your first season on skis, you will not be a snow bunny: You will have completed these exercises making you vastly more prepared for the skiing season. It is worth noting the dates for something called "avalanche season". It is better to avoid skiing in the middle of this time period. Though very scenic snow events can be seen from the safety of the snow lodge at the beginning an end of the season. Be sure to be uphill of the snow lodge during these periods.
17. It is now time to begin serious pre-season conditioning in earnest. This will be challenging. But remember, as with the rugged training given to sword masters of old, while painful, each of these exercises is meant to prepare you and condition your body for the experiences and trauma you may experience on the slopes. Your fist task will be to learn how to roller blade with ski poles until you are skilled enough to grab a woman's purse without being stopped by her boyfriend. Then you must add $50 to the purse, and ski by again to return it without getting caught by said boyfriend or arrested. You must select a girl with a beefy boyfriend and it is wise to pick someone who appears to be unarmed, at least at first. As you get better at this exercise, increase the degree of difficulty by adding a note "Thanks for last night, you were great!" to the cash, and come by a third time after the note has been opened and read and grab a kiss. This will teach you some basics of skiing, the cost of skiing, and the physical cost of making a mistake. It may also get you a new girlfriend. This last possibility may be far more expensive than taking up skiing--you have been warned.
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Then wear them again for an hour or until you lose feeling in one or both hands. Remember not to do heavy work like hammering if your hands seem frozen. While your gloves are being iced up again slowly warm your hands up to avoid gangrene and loss of fingers.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. The mark it leaves will be very similar to the mark left on the head of a skier who passes out in bed after a wild night of partying having forgotten to take of his goggles. If questioned in a ski shop about it during the off season, just mumble something like "Y'know, I'm just trying out the virtual thing, for kicks, y'know". Since the top level virtual thing is primo expensive, this could mark you as a radically rich skier, a rep that could do you well if you meet this person on the slopes later.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. This will help train your eyes to detect clues through the most inclement weather. It will also help you to focus through distractions such as a glue based contact high. Elmer's will not work. Do not do this more than twice. Be sure to put the glue on THE OUTSIDE of the lenses. If you do not know the inside from the outside of the lenses try professional merry-go-rounding instead of skiing. I hear they are considering it as a trial Olympic sport for the 2016 Olympics.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. You'll need the practice. And again-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Knee pads, shoulder pads and helmets are for sniveling rat faced gits and are not allowed.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. If you live in California or Florida please remember that you must use shoes and not sandals or the point of this exercise is lost. If you live in the Third World, please remember that the shoes must be without large holes in them for the same reason. Of course, then step 12 would be impossible for many of you.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. If you do not have a friend willing to do this, show up at a practice at any local high school or college football team and offer your services as what is called a "tackle dummy". Don't worry what a tackle dummy is. As the Jesuits say, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. If the nearest McDonald's never has lines, go to the nearest TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback Steak House, Olive Garden, or any restaurant with lines long enough to have those E.T. light up seating lights that tell you when your table is finally ready, wait for it to light up, then hand it to any "deserving looking" couple or group with $8.50 or more, say, "I want to be like Earl" and leave immediately.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. If you do not have access to a motorcycle, sneak up on top of any large truck at a nearby truck stop that you might be able to clip onto, then raise yourself up once it is going 70 mph for the same experience. Watch out for low overhangs and Smokey. Long jail terms tend to interrupt the training progress.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. If possible, skitch behind the truck by tying a tow line to the back of the truck and let it pull you behind it in the snow. This works best on lonelier highways where you are less likely to be noticed. Short tow ropes help as they will put you right in the path of the most blinding snow. You may wear a little padding here to account for the salt kicked up with the snow. You may also rig a watter bottle feed to your helmet as the salt may make you thirsty. While it is possible to skitch without the tow rope, it is very difficult to do this for longer than an hour in most cases.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. True ski warriors will have several blenders lined up in sequence with the last two having a Diet Coketm and Mentos load to launch a truly awesome spray your way.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. The inner suit should be a wet suit. Practice in or near the tub at first.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. All right, if your thum is leading to a fatal condition you may go to an emergency room obviously, but no visits for pain, cuts, or scratches. Pump up dudes and dudettes.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing, slipping on your ski boots for the first time, ignoring the weather warning, and roaring down the expert hill like 007. Try to avoid acting like 009. (He died in Octopussy in a clown suit. What a humiliating way to go. Not even shaken or stirred.)
Extra credit: Avalanche practice: Go back to the football (or rugby team) and ask the entire team to periodically attempt to pile on you as you race across the field. You and they are not allowed to start until the coach fires a track pistol that simulates that crack that an avalanche makes at the start. You must wear skis, if they catch you they are to pile on you for one hour. Your goal, attempt to keep breathing. Advice: Make this the first exercise of the day so that their need for showers does not asphyxiate you.
If you have taken most of the above steps (really, who could survive them all):
Congratulations! You now are as prepared for your first season of skiing as this course can make you. Take this advice at your own risk! This course is designed only for those who wish to avoid the mundane work of classwork and learn the practical basics of skiing right up front.
This being said you are hereby awarded the certificate:
Junior Associate Cadet Knowledgeable in Acquired Skiing Skills
Add the initials for this certification after your name proudly whenever you wish to show your dedication to skiing or to sport, or are seeking enrollment in The International School of Blog Repair Technicians!
(Our thanks to jokeoftheday.com which provided the framework and original source for the skiing tips in this post which have undergone considerable editing and expansion. These tips have been greatly expanded upon by the Peter Files Blog and integrated into our other humor streams. Again, in case you are truly dense or hung over and missed it. This post is a joke, satire, whatever you call it, DO NOT TRY ANYTHING IN THIS POST! Do not forward this post without this warning!)
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefi t of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". (Click the link for the original Rogers & Hammerstein Lyrics.)
Here are the lyrics she allegedly used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,< /STRONG> These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and nneed for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
Unfortunately, while the lyrics are very funny, Ms. Andrews, sadly did not and could not have sung them on the day in question due to vocal cord surgery gone wrong that wiped out her ability to sing in 1997. Though removing the cancer may have saved her life, Ms. Andrews own Sounds of Music will probably never be the same again.
For more information on this and other stories that seem a little to good to be true try out Snopes.com which is a great source for finding out the truth behind urban legends.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Why should Jay Leno and David Letterman be the only ones who find something funny in ads and newspaper accounts. This may not be a mistake exactly, but still...
My first reaction was - Old Navy is selling babies? Hey wait, those other kids look too old to be babies, and isn't that illegal?
Only then did I see the word kids there also.
Then I did a reality check - they must mean that they are selling clothes and other stuff.
Right? Right?
Still, they could have shown an item or two for sale on that first page.
I mean really. These days, parents don't like even the hint of baby sales, that is the idea of babies being sold for cash, probably in unmarked, non-sequential, pre-multicolor bills.
After all, where exactly would Old Navy get these babies and kids anyway?
BTW, I'm not picking on Old Navy, its a fine store. Just their advertising people. Heads of advertising agencies are known for having a great sense of humor you know. Especially when a major Sunday ad could embarrass them with a big client.
Right.
Maybe they were trying to get on Leno and/or Letterman with this for some extra free national exposure.
Will they be disappointed if I am the only outlet that covers this?
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Unless you were stranded on Gilligan's Island, it would have been hard to miss all the hoopla surrounding Steve Job's introduction of the iPhone which was announced at the MacWorld Exposition earlier this month, completely swamping the news out of the much larger Consumer Electronics Show (CES) held in the same week.
The iPhone, as released, is a thing of beauty, almost one could say, a work of art in form and function, sure to be the winner of any number of design awards and has literally changed the face of cell phone history.
But recently leaked was a photo of the iPhone prototype which was not so pretty or ergonomically friendly, as you can see by the photo above right. Look to a previous post to see the real iPhone at work or check it out at Apple's iPhone Page.
Take a good look at it.
Not exactly a click wheel, but the old phone rotary dial that at least is familiar to all above the age of....30? Perhaps it was an attempt to bring those over 60 into the cell market. An appeal to the nostalgia set? Or just a protective box for a regular iPhone...
Well, the truth of it is, the source of the leak was Steve Jobs himself in his presentation/announcement of the iPhone. He actually showed this picture just before showing the real iPhone and got peals of laughter.
After those in the audience had waited so long, and had been nearly breathless in anticipation to see what the new phone looked like, and with tension in the room at fever pitch, now that they new that they were going to see what they had been waiting for nigh on two and a half or more years, to see this on the screen brought on huge laughs.
Including from me.
The Macworld Expo presentation is available as a streaming video from the Apple website or as a podcast from the iTunes store, viewable with a free iTunes download for PC or Mac. If you are the least bit curious about this phenomenon, it is well worth the watching, especially the crowd's reaction.
For those who say, what's the big deal, so it plays songs, big deal. One of the biggest hidden features is that the phone has a full operating system, Mac OSX, so the potential for future applications for the phone, for future expandability, is if not unlimited, at least quite rosy.
Hope you enjoyed this. I'd love your comments on this prototype.
The effort that went into the making of this funny and creative video alone should awe the average person. Creative, funny, and just about makes you want to get one.
The sound track is funny, yet easy on the ears too.
Home of the Best Doctor Who Podcast in Time and Space
