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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

HG Reports Easter Bunny Detained


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A shocking news development has rocked the world of children's icons of charity with an exclusive report issued by the World Famous H. Gazette (established 1910).

In its Monday issue the Gazette alleges that the Easter Bunny has been detained by the United States Government on suspicion of 52 million counts of periodontal terrorism.

{Click the link in above for the full story and many other fun features and stories from the Gazette.} See a shortened version of the story below.

March 28, 2005

Easter Bunny Detained

By John Breneman, H. GazetteBunny In Jail

U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation's children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass confection on Sunday.

But sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52 million counts of contributing to the obesity of a minor.

The alleged incarceration of the Easter Bunny (aka Peter Cotton-Tail) has already become politicized. Critics charge that the Bush administration was slow to guard against the threat that gut-busting quantities of chocolate might be deployed, on a sacred religious holiday no less, despite a March 6 Presidential Daily Briefing (PDB) entitled "Easter Bunny determined to strike in U.S."

"We should have been on pastel alert," said White House heckler Adolf W. Bush. "The president should have been more vigilant about the national obesity epidemic that makes our soft underbelly particularly vulnerable to, say, a giant milk chocolate rabbit, fistfuls of jelly beans or a gaggle of glistening marshmallow peeps."

The staggering importance of this story to children everywhere, and to their parents who eat their candy to keep future orthodontic bills down, convinced the crackerjack staff of THE PETER FILES to hop right into a high intensity crackpot investigation of this story, leaving no peep unturned in our efforts to uncover the truth.

After eating all the Easter candy in the house, it became clear that calling around was in order. Because the stomach ache and the after effects of the chocolate, well, staying at home was a good idea. So first I surfed the net.

The Tooth Fairy, reacting to the report, released a statement saying that "This outrageous behavior strikes a chill into the core of charity operations towards all American Children. If this can happen to the Easter Bunny, it can happen to Santa and it can certainly happen to me who operates year round. I particularly feel for Santa, who cannot afford to get tied up in the U.S. with deliveries to make elsewhere in the world, if this is not straightened out soon he may have to skip the U.S. altogether and that would be tragic. There are so many good little girls and boys there. The Bush administration should hop to it and release the Easter Bunny before the fur really flies around here. Otherwise the liability issues alone are really hare raising.

White House pundits, while not willing to go on the record against the likes of Santa, are quietly muttering that the Tooth Fairy may have an interest in the Easter Bunny's alleged plot of periodontal terrorism. After all, they claim, he has something to gain in the loss of so many children's teeth.

Said one high official. "We don't really know anything about this tooth fairy do we, what his motives are, why he collects these teeth? At 25 cents to a dollar a tooth he has cheaply acquired a incredibly vast array of teeth. Moreover, inside these teeth are samples of human DNA; in fact he may be harboring the largest catalog of human DNA in the World, and know the name and parentage of each and every person associated with it. The consequences are both staggering and frightening."

A leading democrat replied, what a concept! If the tooth fairy could be persuaded to turn this over to medical science what a boon this would be to scientific research.

"Wow", I never thought of all that stuff", the tooth fairy replied. "I'll have to think about the implications and get back to you on that. Wow. Cool. But I have to be careful with things I haven't thought through. I don't want a repeat of those Salem Witch Trials. One little mistake and whoa boy."

A Spokesperson for PETA was very concerned about the conditions the Easter Bunny was being kept in. We are always concerned about the ethical treatment of animals, but here we have an animal that is truly as complex and compassionate as a human being. And more charitable than most. Wire cages my ass! We are going to get movie stars to strip buck naked in front of the White House with anatomically correct blow up dolls of certain political figures until this national embarrassment ends. We also want to make sure he gets enough carrots and lettuce right away, so that he can address the needs of our members he missed when he was arrested before completing his deliveries. Besides, he needs to get back to the needs of his family." (Ed. note. Because of his amazing longevity, estimated of the Easter Bunny's extended family size is in the thousands and is multi-generational.

Speculation as to why the Easter Bunny was caught at all was addressed by Leprechaun Flopsy O'Doodle who has been known to spend more than time around rabbits than is normally considered healthy. "Well, Paeter had himself a mighty cold dis year, yes he did, yas he did. Oi said to him, are ye sure youse be wantin to be goin out feelin like you do? But he has the honor of it in him yis he does, so he went out knowin that there was trouble afoot. But, I woulna expect him to stay behind those walls too long ya know. Do ya tink dat a one of those soldiers would shoot down a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer even if they could see it?"

"You think the Air Force invented the stealth mode did you? How the heck do you think Santa gets around in wartime anyway? Santa's pretty darn good with locks, and the both of them are pretty darn fast. We'll see how long that rascally wabbit stays put, yas we will. Hmmn. Time for tae. Maybe I better put on an extra coupla settings, I think I hear sleighbells in the distance."

That's it for this edition of The Peter Cottontail Files

Peter Cottontail

For a 2006 Easter Update to this story click here!


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