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Friday, August 14, 2009

Ouch! The Rotator Cuff Saga


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Just in case you wondered whether we've fallen off a cliff or something: Just about.

It wasn't quite that exciting, but if the words torn rotator cuff fill you with horror at the image of physical pain involved - you're in the right ballpark.

We, that is I, haven't been able to type for awhile. Makes doing a comedy blog hard. Still in the oochie, owie, yowie, oh mama stage too.

But I've stopped thumb sucking long enough to tell you that we should have some kind of content again soon.

Well today. Right now.

Q; How many people with torn rotator cuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: Ow! Ow! Up? Nooooo!

Q: What's a torn rotator cuff?
A: That tendon in the shoulder that helps your arm move everywhere? That's the sucker. And when it gets torn, every time your arm tries to move anywhere... Owww. Owww. Owww. Owww.

Q: How long will it hurt?
A: Until the end of time. *Sob* Bleat. Moan.

Q: Not really?
A: No it just feels like forever. Now get out of my way I need stiff drink.
Q: You can't have anything stiff to drink unless you want to wind up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson.

Q: What do Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They probably had torn shoulder rotator cuffs.
Q: Not really?
A: No it just felt like they were being skewered on a hot poker for months at a time. What do I know, I stopped making sense months ago. Owwww!

Q: Don't they have medicine for that?
A: You believe in the tooth fairy don't you?
Q: There is medicine for everything else isn't there?
A: Most doctors think a lot of pain is good for you, keeps you conscious enough to pay their bills.

Q: What does having a torn rotator cuff make you feel like?
A: Like trying out a nice simple home amputation.

Q: Do you feel better after the operation?
A: Everyone feels better after a good amputation.

Q: No I mean the rotator cuff surgery.
A: No, you feel worse for a really long time, then you start to get a little better, like a snail on sleeping pills is faster. Till eventually, you feel as bad as when you went in for the surgery in the first place.

Q: Then finally you start to feel better!
A: I'll let you know a year from now.

Q: When you are done will you be able to pitch for the Chicago White Sox?
A: Can't fool me! Everyone knows that the only team that hires pitchers with actively torn rotator cuff is the Chicago Cubs.

Q: Is it a messy operation?
A: No, my doctor looked very clean afterwards I am told. I was also told that my surgery went well despite their finding a tear the size of the Grand Canyon. Truly, the operation itself was the best part. They just woke me up too soon, six months too soon.

Q; How is the physical therapy going?
A: Ever seen a late night horror film?

Q: Surely you are exaggerating.
A: OWW! OWW! Three Four. OWW OWW Seven Eight. My physical therapist is a nice guy who says its going well, I just have to be very patient. In fact, I'm going to be patient, a patient for months and months.

Q: If you knew it was going to be this bad, why did you have the operation?
A: They ALL LIED TO ME and said it wouldn't be too bad. Liars! Liars! Pants on fire all over the region. What could I do, they told me it would be no fun but the alternative was chewing my arm off. I don't think I taste that good.

Q: Any other benefits to the surgery?
A: A nice long juicy SCAR instead of the little holes they said would be there for arthroscopic surgery. I think I'm going to tell people I was in knife fight saving a teenage girl from a street gang when I got it. At least it is a nice straight scar. Good Doctor. Sit. Heel.

Q: Would you have the surgery again?
A: Yes. No way around it.

Q: Was all that whining even close to the truth?
A: Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.

Well I feel much better. If you are contemplating rotator cuff surgery you should know how much better you will feel when it is all fixed and you are back to normal. Really, they tell me this. Repeatedly, so it must be true. Sigh.

Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos

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