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Just in case you wondered whether we've fallen off a cliff or something: Just about.
It wasn't quite that exciting, but if the words torn rotator cuff fill you with horror at the image of physical pain involved - you're in the right ballpark.
We, that is I, haven't been able to type for awhile. Makes doing a comedy blog hard. Still in the oochie, owie, yowie, oh mama stage too.
But I've stopped thumb sucking long enough to tell you that we should have some kind of content again soon.
Well today. Right now.
Q; How many people with torn rotator cuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: Ow! Ow! Up? Nooooo!
Q: What's a torn rotator cuff?
A: That tendon in the shoulder that helps your arm move everywhere? That's the sucker. And when it gets torn, every time your arm tries to move anywhere... Owww. Owww. Owww. Owww.
Q: How long will it hurt?
A: Until the end of time. *Sob* Bleat. Moan.
Q: Not really?
A: No it just feels like forever. Now get out of my way I need stiff drink.
Q: You can't have anything stiff to drink unless you want to wind up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson.
Q: What do Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They probably had torn shoulder rotator cuffs.
Q: Not really?
A: No it just felt like they were being skewered on a hot poker for months at a time. What do I know, I stopped making sense months ago. Owwww!
Q: Don't they have medicine for that?
A: You believe in the tooth fairy don't you?
Q: There is medicine for everything else isn't there?
A: Most doctors think a lot of pain is good for you, keeps you conscious enough to pay their bills.
Q: What does having a torn rotator cuff make you feel like?
A: Like trying out a nice simple home amputation.
Q: Do you feel better after the operation?
A: Everyone feels better after a good amputation.
Q: No I mean the rotator cuff surgery.
A: No, you feel worse for a really long time, then you start to get a little better, like a snail on sleeping pills is faster. Till eventually, you feel as bad as when you went in for the surgery in the first place.
Q: Then finally you start to feel better!
A: I'll let you know a year from now.
Q: When you are done will you be able to pitch for the Chicago White Sox?
A: Can't fool me! Everyone knows that the only team that hires pitchers with actively torn rotator cuff is the Chicago Cubs.
Q: Is it a messy operation?
A: No, my doctor looked very clean afterwards I am told. I was also told that my surgery went well despite their finding a tear the size of the Grand Canyon. Truly, the operation itself was the best part. They just woke me up too soon, six months too soon.
Q; How is the physical therapy going?
A: Ever seen a late night horror film?
Q: Surely you are exaggerating.
A: OWW! OWW! Three Four. OWW OWW Seven Eight. My physical therapist is a nice guy who says its going well, I just have to be very patient. In fact, I'm going to be patient, a patient for months and months.
Q: If you knew it was going to be this bad, why did you have the operation?
A: They ALL LIED TO ME and said it wouldn't be too bad. Liars! Liars! Pants on fire all over the region. What could I do, they told me it would be no fun but the alternative was chewing my arm off. I don't think I taste that good.
Q: Any other benefits to the surgery?
A: A nice long juicy SCAR instead of the little holes they said would be there for arthroscopic surgery. I think I'm going to tell people I was in knife fight saving a teenage girl from a street gang when I got it. At least it is a nice straight scar. Good Doctor. Sit. Heel.
Q: Would you have the surgery again?
A: Yes. No way around it.
Q: Was all that whining even close to the truth?
A: Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
Well I feel much better. If you are contemplating rotator cuff surgery you should know how much better you will feel when it is all fixed and you are back to normal. Really, they tell me this. Repeatedly, so it must be true. Sigh.
Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Bad Advice, Comedy So Funny it Hurts, Farce, Getting Older, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Pass This Along, Stupidity, True Life
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Five Chicago sports fans were climbing a mountain one
day. Each was a fan of a different Chicago sports team
and each proclaimed to be the most loyal to there team.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one
was the most loyal of them all.
They continued fighting till they reached the top.
The Blackhawk's fan hurled himself off the mountain,
shouting, 'This is for the Hawks' as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be outdone the Bulls fan threw himself
off the edge shouting "this is for the greatest team of
the 90's"
Next the Bears fan jumped & said"This is for DA COACH'
the two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned
silence.
After a minute the Sox fan Bellowed..."THIS IS FOR THE
SOUTH SIDE!!!"
THEN HE PUSHED THE CUBS FAN OFF THE MOUNTAIN!!
Hee hee hee. You can tell I'm a South-sider can't you?
My thanks to Andy for this one. No editing needed.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Andy Joke, Baseball, Best Of, Comedy So Funny it Hurts, Cubs, Da Bears, Humor, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Mistakes, Pass This Along, Reader Joke, South Side, Sports, Urban Legends, White Sox
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Hi, I'm back.
You may have noticed a little gap in posts. This has happened before this time of year and will probably happen again. Sorry about that. The fact is that some years ago I lost my one of very best friends+ on my memorial day weekend some years ago and you'd think I'd be over it by now, but I'm not. People say a lot of "Shoulds" about things like this, or "normally"'s. But the fact is when it comes to people you really care about, should and normal don't really apply, especially when the circumstances that separate you are things that should not have happened, and were very far from normal.
That's all I am going to say about it. After all, this IS a comedy blog, and I don't want to bring you down. But if you want to infer any more, note that I never do jokes about airplane crashes.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Da Tree Liddle Pigs
Once upon a time dere were tree liddle pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day dis nasty old wolf came up to da straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So da straw pig went running over to da stick pig's house and said, "Please; let me in, da wolf just blew down my house." So da stick Pig let da straw pig in. Just then da wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So da straw pig and da stick pig went running over to da brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, da big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So da brick pig let them in just as da wolf showed up. Den da wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." You can imagine dat da straw pig and the stick pig were so scared dad dey almost made a mess! But dese Pigs, dey had self-respect, and no matter how scared dey were, dey held demselves together.
Instead of being scared, da brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. Dese pigs come over to da wolf, grab him by da neck and beat da living daylights out of him until he was crying like a little baby, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing da big bad wolf as an example of what happens when you mess with made pigs. Den dey tied big cement blocks around his feet and trew his sorry tail into the creek.
Den dey got back into dere big black Caddy and drove off, not a hair out of place, nor a wrinkle on dere suits.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who da heck were dose guys?" they asked da brick pig.
"Dose were my cousins, he said nonchalantly... da Guinea Pigs.
Gotta love dose Italians. "
Tanks to my friend Mary Ellen for dis here joke, which I have re-grammatized for effect.
Peter "I remember where da spots formerly was!"
The Peter Files Blog does not mean to offend persons of any ethnic origin by publishing such a joke/pun, especially those with access to automatic weapons, big fists and cement. We hope that this humor will be taken in the smae good nature that more famous work such as The Sopranos, The Godfather, Goodfellas and other light-hearted fare.
Peter, Chief Editor and Da Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Aircraft, American Life, Best Of, Edited by Peter, Friends, Humor, Italian Jokes, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Musicals, NSFW?, Reader Joke, Stereotypes, Time Sensitive
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One spring day I was walking past the athletic field of a local girls high school the other day and a throng of high school girls behind its fence were were shouting enthusiastically "69.... 69.... 69...!"
As they kept it up, I got more and more curious, but the wooden fence was too high to see over.
I knew better of course, but when I saw a little gap in the planks, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through to see what was going on.
Then one of the girls poked me in the eye with a stick.
They all started shouting '70.... 70.... 70...!"
If you thought this was a dirty joke, shame on you! This blog is a clean blog, but sometimes people with dirty minds come to the wrong secretions. Here we strive to be always Safe for work, home, truth, justice and the American way. Wait, based on internet usage that seems to be p.... Never mind.
Thanks to Andy for this joke that I have twisted all out of proportion. You can send me a joke too and get credit if you wish. Just send it to: {http:// thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}.
Remove the extra spaces, replace the at and dot with an @ and . and you'll have the address. Add the word Joke in the title line please. Tell me if you want credit for you. I don't do ANYTHING with your email address, except maybe make friends with you myself. I hate spam.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Best Of, Comedy So Funny it Hurts, Edited by Peter, Humor, Jokes, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, NSFW?, Old Jokes With A New Twist, Original, Scams, School, Stupidity, Wordplay
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Toddler Nightmare: Toddler Blown Into Lake Michigan Submerged for 15 Minutes and Lives
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You'd think this wasn't a comedy blog anymore. It is! But no parent can help feeling bad for the grandfather who saw his 2-year-old grandson blown into Lake Michigan and founder underwater until he was pulled out and rushed to a hospital by emergency crews after 15 minutes submerged.
A parent's nightmare. Really. When you first realize that your wife is pregnant along with the joy are the worries of all the things that have gone wrong to others that creep into your thoughts and dreams. A friend saw her three-year-old bounce off the bed, through a screen and out the three story window of her apartment. Fortunately into the bushes below.
"Mom! Can I do that again!"
She still quivers a little when she tells that story behind the laughs as she tells it. Be careful where you let your toddlers bounce is the moral of that tale.
The moral of this tale is, be very careful when walking a small child along a pier along any body of water if you yourself cannot swim.
When my son was three I took him down to the harbors along the lakeshore. I let him walk down the piers and look right into the water. He laughed and giggled and had lots of fun. But this story does not make me worry that this was a dangerous thing to do. I was prepared for that activity.
First, it was a calm weather day. No heavy winds.
Second, as a teenager I earned both the Boy Scouts Scout Lifeguard Award, the rough equivalent to the Red Cross Water Safety Instructor except that it also has a rowing requirement, I followed that up with Red Cross Advanced Life Saving and Red Cross CPR in College, then before our son was born, my wife and I got certified in Red Cross Infant and Child CPR at a local hospital.
If my son had fallen into the water I would have been able to pull him out in seconds. Had he stopped breathing, I knew what to do while running to a phone to call 911. Though I had a cell phone with me so that was not needed. But I was prepared. You can be too.
If you live near a large body of water be careful near it. Keep close to kids, near the water if you can't swim.
The grandpa in this case did one thing right. By not jumping in when he did not know how to swim he did not cause a double-drowning. Instead, someone saw him and that gave his grandson the best chance he could get.
Never risk a double drowning, but if you know how, this is the order to do it.
Reach
Throw
Row
But only go if you know how. If you do, try to bring something that floats, like a ring buoy (life preserver) (they are to be thrown over the shoulders of a victim and drawn back not aimed at the head!) or an inflatable something.
Don't ever let a panicked swimmer grab you. Especially by the neck.
Let's keep this family in our prayers.
And as the sporting season starts, make sure you have a safety vest for everyone on your boat. Not only is it the law, but it prevents tragedies on very small craft.
They are an absolute must for canoes.
I will never forget the year after earning Scout Lifeguard being on a 30 mile canoe trip with a non-swimmer in the bow of my canoe. We were on the White River, near Whitehall, Michigan, just where it starts to feed into White Lake. About a half hour before we would land at Arf n' Barf.
He was wearing his vest. But he was also painfully thin.
It was a windy day and we actually had waves on this part of the river that were 6 to 8 inches high. Very unusual. Most of the river is only a foot to 3 feet deep. But at this part it opens up to about 12 feet deep. I was in the stern, the back of the canoe that controls or steers where the canoe would go. He wanted to move further back and I told him No!
He stood up in the canoe to move back anyway. Without his paddling we started to turn sideways to the wind and waves. I yelled to him as gently as I could to be careful and stay low so that he would not present himself like a sail to the wind. He stood straight up to hear me better, then lost his balance. Over we went.
The canoe turned upside down. I immediately came to the surface. He was not on my side of the canoe. I dived, wearing my vest this was hard, under the canoe to make sure he was not trapped underneath it then came up on the underside of it. He was not on the other side. But his vest was.
The kid was so thin that he had slid right out of his life vest and gone straight to the bottom of the river which had a mud bottom. I yelled to some of the older kids behind us to come then dove down to the bottom.
I could see him down there, barely, through the muddy water. He was not moving or struggling. Fighting the pull of the vest was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the water was at least 12 feet down and perhaps 15, it took all my strength.
He looked up at me, reached up to me with his hand, I grabbed it and pulled him into a cross-chest carry with control and the vest rocketed us up to the surface. At the top he exploded out the breath he had been holding.
When I shouted at him why hadn't he tried to come up to the surface he shrugged and said. "I was waiting for you. I knew you'd come get me." Nice. Very nice. By this time a couple of the other canoes got there and I had lashed the kid back into his vest and pushed him into one of the other canoes. We then did a maneuver called canoe over canoe rescue.
To do this you need a second canoe. While the overturned canoe is still upside-down you push one end down so that the other end comes up over the middle of the other canoe. Then you push the over turned canoe up until it is balanced on the middle of the other canoe upside down. Then when it is balanced in the middle, you can turn the canoe over out of the water and slide it back into the water floating. Then the person(s) in the other canoe can hold both canoes together by the thwarts, sides, to make it easier for the people in the water to get back in.
This was in some ways the most panicked of all, I wanted us to get back in the canoe before our Scoutmaster and assistant scoutmaster came around the bend and saw what had happened. I did not want them to know that I had dumped a 10-year old non-swimmer to the bottom of While Lake and almost drowned him. The current had been moving fast. If I had missed him on that first attempt, I don't know if I could have found him on a second try. It was terrifying.
I also did not know if I had the strength for a second or third try given the depth and the strength it took to fight the life vest and my own considerable natural buoyancy. The senior scouts with me and the kid looked at each other in shock.
"Pete", one said, "You almost really screwed that one up."
"Yeah," said another, "But you didn't."
"Hey," I said, "What Willy doesn't know," our Scoutmaster, "won't cause him any lost sleep or tears."
"Right." They all agreed.
"You!" The biggest of the lot said to the kid. "Keep your mouth shut about this and your butt in the bottom of the canoe."
I used what we called Willy-rope, rope our Scoutmaster used to get from tossed-out rope from his employer to tie the vest onto the kid and sat him down while we were still together. I was tempted to tie him to the canoe, but that was unsafe. We moved close to the North bank of the river, the Arf N' Barf side, and moved together as a group the last mile or so to our landing place well ahead still of the last of the 30 canoes with Willy in it.
I don't know if he ever learned that story.
Ten years later I was at my one of my sister's weddings and the kid's sister came up to me.
"Hi Peter," she said in a manner that was a lot friendlier than I would have expected given our lack of time spent together. She was my sisters' friend after all. I said Hi. She looked around. Noticed that we were sort of alone, then she grabbed me and kissed me. Hard.
"Wow! What was that for? I mean, thanks."
"You'll know what that was for if you think a little.:
"What?"
"Done any canoeing lately? Say on the White River at Owasippe?" Then the penny dropped. I knew that she knew. "Thanks. I really have liked having my brother around for the last 10 years. You know he only told me that story recently so its still a little shocking. I don't know what I would have done..."
That's more than you need to know. It made me feel good that someone knew and remembered what had happened. Not my stupidity in letting the situation get that far, though I had done all the warning I could have. But I was even gladder to hear how well he had done since then. That was the best news of all.
Switching back to the news story. This toddler has a possible future just like the kid in my story. It may be that he goes on to a great life. I sure hope so. But all those involved in his rescue deserve kudos for the attempt, from the stranger who stopped and called it in, to each hospital worker. Each life touches so many others. Each one we save, touches thousands more.
And I did not act alone. I was in the position to go to the bottom. But I had the support of the other canoes that rushed to my side. They just didn't help me hide it from Willy. That really wasn't important in the long run. They helped me get the kid out of the water fast. And back into a safe canoe, in a life vest.
When you go out in the water this summer, make sure you wear a properly fitting life vest.
For more on the toddler story on CNN click here
To see maps of the area of the canoe trip around the White River and the Owasippe Scout Reservation click here or at the Help Save the Owasippe Scout Reservation link at the top of my Sidebar. You will have to navigate to the maps of Owasippe.
Note: The White River trips started at Canoe Central near the Administration Center and Horse Corral and Ended in Whitehall at Dog 'n Suds which had great food. After almost two weeks of camp food it was like heaven on earth despite our nickname for it.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Best Of, Commentary, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Kids, Original, Parenthood, Relationships, Save Owasippe, Stupidity, True Life
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Here's an Easter joke with a new twist.
In the first few days after Jesus rose from the dead the disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages.
John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some really good news and some really bad news."
Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the really good news?"
John says, "The really good news is that after 3 days Jesus Christ rose from the dead and is looking for all of his Apostles."
Peter says, "That's really great! After news like that, what could be the really bad news?"
John, looking around warily, said, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Classic Comedy, Easter, Edited by Peter, Holiday, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Old Jokes With A New Twist, Religion
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Talk about a mistake. He was warned.
March 15th is the Ides of March. But don't worry. The Ides of March shouldn't be an unlucky day for you.
The Ides or the 15th of each month on the Roman Calendar used in 44 B.C. was unlucky only for Gaius Julius Caesar Imperator Pontifex Primum Praeter Counsul Imperator Rex. (Later, his adopted son Octavius who conned Cicero into conning the Senate into naming Octavius Counsul of Rome had the Senate declare Julius Caesar a god too, but that happened after Caesar's death.)
Easier then, the Romans had lots of Gods. Of course later, Augustus got himself elevated to god-hood too, as well as month hood, for him and uncle Julius (July and Augus, of course), got himself named Emporer for life after getting Marc Anthony to bump himself off in Alexandria and even more important, survived to the ripe old age of 71.
There's a song to remember Julius Caesar's titles that I learned in Latin Class - It goes to the tune of "Clementine"
Gaius Julius Caesar Noster
Imperator Pontifex
Primum Praeter
Diende Counsul
Nunc Dicator
Mox Que Rex.
Julius omens, warnings, portents, dreams, and the stark political realities of the fear he had created in the old Republican Guard, and so was stabbed on the floor of the Roman Senate 23 times, including by his old friend Brutus, it is said. (Leading to Shakespeare's Line, "Et tu, Brute?" (And you, Brutus?) Brutus is said to have been the last to give old Julius the Shiv.)
Anyway this event has given the Ides of March a bad name for the more than 2000 years since.
We Americans really should amend it though! Instead we should say:
BEWARE THE IDES OF APRIL! It WILL be a taxing time for us all.
Happy St. Patrick's day, that's the 17th of this month otherwise known as -wait for it,
THE IMBIBES OF MARCH!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Anachronisms, Commentary, Italian Jokes, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Literature, Mistakes, Politics, Teaching, Theater, Time Sensitive, True Life, World
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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Funny, Jokes, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Medicine, Old Jokes With A New Twist, Religion, Sisters
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I just want to say that this joke is not about golf. Though the second variation is sports related, sort of.
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is the Soldiers in your cup.'
The source for that one is a new reader who left it in a note in a yogurt cup on my back porch. In the past I have been suspicious of this souce, er source, and have not run his jokes, but this time I couldn't resist, even though it relies entirely upon having seen the circa 1970's/80's Folger's coffee commercials with jingle.
To save time, I'll just start my version of this joke. A sweet little boy surprised his older brother by laying out his brother's clothes for the next day, knowing that his brother started each day by running 10 miles as he worked up to the marathon he wanted to run soon. He was very proud of the job he had done and could hardly sleep as he waited to hear his brother's comments on the job he had done.
The next morning he was a woken to the sound of swearing in his brother's room! Oh, oh, he had bungled somehow. Timmy! What are these green soldiers doing in my athletic supporter?
I think you can finish that one yourself!
Revision: Would you call Timmie's mistake a Double bogie?
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
Labels: Comedy So Funny it Hurts, Getting Older, Jokes, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Kids, Mistakes, Reader Joke, Why
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This is from My Friend and Reader Debbie Z. - Be like her and submit a joke today!
Rose and Barb, Softball Stars
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
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Labels: Classic Comedy, Friends, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Reader Joke, Religion, Sports
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Thanks to Andy for this one! I have modified it slightly to meet the standards of this blog*.
The original phrasing can be guessed easily. But I replaced it with a pun instead...
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a
new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to
scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make
any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the
administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a
misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body', while
the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Radiologists could see right through it, and the
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a
whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to
some anal-ytic* type in administration.
But the MRI technicians had a better view than anyone of the project,
and told the Oncologists who declared the project terminal,
briefed the grieving contractors and moved the budget to
Hospice care, where the Nursing staff eased it through its final days.
BE LIKE ANDY! Submit a joke in a comment or the address below and you can have the great feelings that come with appearing as a post on this blog!
Peter
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Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
Labels: Classic Comedy, Edited by Peter, Jokes, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Medicine, Puns, Reader Joke
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First it Was Toys - Now A Lead Bullet Recall
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Hard as it may be to believe, the dangers of lead in bullets to small children in the home have been overlooked until now.
Here with the details of the "Lead Bullet Recall" is Special Reporter Megan from the "News for Blonds" news team.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
Labels: Bad Advice, Blonds, Embarrasing Quotes, Funny Videos, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Kids, Old Jokes With A New Twist
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A nursery school teacher was driving a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck raced by sirens wailing and lights flashing. Sitting in happily the front seat of the fire engine was the crew's black spotted Dalmatian puppy.
The children wondered what the dog did other than ride around looking happy to earn his keep at the fire house.
"They use him to keep crowds away from the firs," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just a good luck charm."
But a third child brought the conversation to an end and almost caused an accident.
"Dalmations," she said firmly, " are very good at
spotting the fire hydrants."
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Peter, Chief Editor and Spell WreckerThe Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and CommentaryHttp://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Labels: Comedy So Funny it Hurts, Dogs, Fireman, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Kids, Pass This Along, School, Urban Legends, Work
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This one's from my friend Andy who's married to a fiesty Italian lady who he first noticed when she started yelling at him from across the street while he was sitting in a barber chair. Seems she thought he had not been good to a girlfriend of hers, they tell it better. Two greater people it would be hard to find.
If you love Italians, this one's a great joke. Though, this joke has a somewhat universal appeal to those who know those who really cook.
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies
wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he
slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he
crawled downstairs. With a deep breath, he leaned against
the door frame, gazing into the kitchen where, if not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven.
For there, spread out up waxed paper on the kitchen table,
were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled
cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards
the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His
parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was
already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie
at the edge of the table,when it was suddenly smacked with
a spatula by his wife.
Get outta here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell WreckerThe Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and CommentaryHttp://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Labels: Best Of, Comedy So Funny it Hurts, Cooking Jokes, Family, Funny, Getting Older, Italian Jokes, Jokes About Dying or Nearly So, Reader Joke
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Click on the Envelope to forward posts to your friends! Thank you! The staff.
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Home of the Best Doctor Who Podcast in Time and Space
