HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Adults)
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, 'That's a nice kitty.' Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under futon.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. Bandage forefinger. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well. Note: do not allow cat's claws to rest against your bare chest whilst attempting this maneuver without checking first that you have antibiotic ointment and bandages in your medicine cabinet.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, 'Who's the the boss here anyway?' Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops! Remember not to do this near the litter box next time as you brush yourself off.
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to new wounds (yours). Try to ignore the fact that cat is looking at you as if nothing has happened and that something is wrong with you for having te half crazed look on your face, surely a cat is too refined and noble ever to drool like that for any reason.
18. Take two aspirins & lie down. Consider the virtues of virtual pets and robotic ones, the iKitty will even play your fave tunes, and the good that donating your cat would do to the longevity of a senior citizen such as your mother.
19. Immediately become plagued with guilt, especially if you are truly expert at it, ie., Catholic or Jewish, or in some cases, a cat-lover, even after a nightmare such as this, and decide to keep the treacherous fur ball for at least another week, or until Amvets calls looking for donations.
20. Smile knowing that the ASPCA cannot fault you for fitting yourself in one of those boxes on your doorstep for AMVETS to pick up as long as you call them first and leave the keys under the mat for them behind and enough money to pay for room and board for kitty's natural life.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Children Under 6)
1. Put Pill Between Teeth.
2. Give cat a kiss right on the mouth. When surprised cat opens its mouth spit the pill into the back of the cat's mouth, then ticke its tummy.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Children Ages 7-12)
1. Grind up pill and mix it with cat food.
2. If that doesn't work, grind the pill up and mix it into heavy cream with sugar.
3. Tell mom that putting crushed pill in your facorite brand of ice cream worked. Try it if you feel like it.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Teenagers)
1. Give the cat plush doll that looks as much like Paris Hilton as possible, re-stuffed with catnip.
2.Tape the cat for You-Tube getting totally wasted as it does triple backward somersaults off of chairs, spins in circles, attempts to fly, and pounces on the doll and tries to chew it, tear it and do all manner of odd things to and with it.
3. Wait till it gets the munchies, then give it the pill in a little tuna puff pastry.
4. Upload the video to YouTube.com and include the part where you give the cat a pill. The video becomes the most highly rated video of all time.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
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