1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on when using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in our town has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. If you absolutely MUST know what that odor is, try looking under the radiator covers for last year's easter eggs. Hopefully they will only be one year old. 25. Get you kids in the habit of hiding only plastic easter eggs for their easter egg hunts. The decorated ones make a bad mess. The raw eggs make a bad, disgusting and smelly mess that never goes away if there is the slightest gap in your floorboards. Your only alternative: Move. 26. Now that glass soda bottles seem to be making a return: never, ever, under any circumstances, store unopened glass soda bottles in the car near any of your children's feet. Unless your spouse is a lawyer. 27. A four-year-old child can resort to hiding his favorite toy at the top of a 40-foot tree over a glass strewn alley if pressed. Do not yell at him while he is at the top of the tree. 28. When in *nice* restaurants watch your children like hawks if you see them touch things like salt and pepper shakers, mustard and ketchup bottles. 28. The sound of a 7-year-old girl who has gotten ketchup all over her white easter dress after her brother played with the top does not bear describing. 29. If you hear the sounds "white whale, white whale" coming from your pool or the lake you are staying near, it is already too late, your children's butts have already been exposed to the sun for anyone nearby to see. 30. When changing a child's diaper at a very large public venue, such as a concert at Grant Park in Chicago, it is helpful if your picnic blanket is not at the top of the largest hill in view. That way if your little girl gets away from you sans clothes, the chances that she will run to the top of the hill spinning like Maria Von Trapp for the entire Midwest to admire during the quietest part of Peter and the Wolf, will be substantially reduced. Duct tape helps too. 31. It may take more than one police search of your house to find a child asleep in a clothes basket in a bedroom closet. 32. Even the second time she disappears, and that's the first place everyone looked. 33. Two adults are not enough to capture a child hiding under a baby grand piano. 34. The travel time before it is impractical to drive a child hidden in their friend's car so that the parents are forced to let them stay overnight at their friends is one hour. Fortunately, the time a child can stay quiet in the back-back seat of a station wagon is usually less than 10 minutes. 35. War between kid brothers usually stops just before an actual serious injury involving death occurs. Numerous trips to the hospital for stitches are normal and should be considered usual growing up pains. 36. If during the summer, a sister turns her brother's hair bright orange, he is entitled to put a screen over her while she sunbathes asleep to give her a checkered tan - once. This will remind her not to fall asleep sunbathing which is dangerous anyway. 37. It does not matter how slowly or gently you loft it, a softball thrown with enough umph to reach the 2nd floor back porch, has enough umph, to float ever so gently through the plate glass window of the 2nd floor back porch door. 38. When handing your son a brand new generator saying "don't drop this, it's expensive", its a good idea to be sure he is not watching the neighbor girl walk by in short shorts or it will wind up broken on the ground when he drops it. 39. If you work at summer camp and sleep on a metal cot, avoid running the electric wires for your alarm clock under the sharp round feet of your bed lest "Sparky" become your new camp nickname. (The mattress pads were rubber thank God.) 40. When rolling the world's largest snowball off the flat roof of your school onto the first person who opens the side door, its a good idea to have a spotter so that you don't drop it on the principal. 41. The demonstration of Mike's Civil War Fort would have been perfect. The buildings were perfect reconstructions, he had even mixed his own black powder and poured it through and between the non-flammable buildings to show how one of the forts would have been torched. As the fire went through building to building his one mistake became evidently clear. His non-flammable materials were plastic straws. As billowing clouds of black smoke poured out of the school windows we out out the three foot flames in seconds, but by then 2 companies of fire trucks were on the way. The smoke filling the second floor of our school. We were dismissed for the day. Mike was a hero. Not for nothing did Mike have the reputation of being the smartest boy in school. Seen as an honest mistake, he didn't even get in trouble since the teacher let him start the fire. Brilliant. 42. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 43. 90% of the Women who read this will start checking the tightness of ketchup containers wherever they go.
My thanks to AMR for sending this to me. You can be a contributor too. Just send me an email at thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com or put your joke in a comment and I can include it in a post of its own. Just tell me how you would like to be recognized, or not. In this post I was responsible for number 23 on plus a few more. So I know those really happened. The rest, well they certainly had the ring of truth, now didn't they?
Everyone complains that today's kids aren't on the ball as much as yesterdays kids. Yet, here's some evidence that maybe they are smarter than some people think.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEAC HER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher. ___________________________________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who is interested in whatever a teacher has to say, whenever she happens to say it?
MARY ELLEN: Her husband. ___________________________________
Another one from Mary Ellen, but I noticed that she got it from her friend Colleen. Thanks Mary Ellen!
(Peter's note: Oak Lawn Park District shows are both fun to watch and be in. If you've ever wanted to be in a musical theater production, having singing and/or dancing talent, or want to work backstage, this may be the chance you've been looking for with very nice people and high quality productions. But expect to work HARD. Great shows don't get that way by accident, everyone here pulls their weight!)
The Oak Lawn Park District Theatre group has announced a casting call for its upcoming production of Seussical The Musical.
Auditions:
Sunday, May 4 from 1 - 5 pm, for children ages 8-12 and out of town college students. Monday, May 5 and Tuesday, May 6 from 7:30 – 10:30 pm for adults.
Come in proper attire and be prepared to sing and dance.
Auditions will be held at the Oak View Center, 4625 W. 110th Street.
Seussical will run for two consecutive weekends, August 1-3 and August 8-10.
First rehearsal will be on June 8th.
For more information on auditions or the production, call the Oak Lawn Park District at (708) 857-2200.
My dad sent my visiting cousin to bed. Five minutes later....
"Uncle Pete...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Uncle Pe-eete....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll toss you in the shower!!"
Five minutes later......"Uncle Pe-ete....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to toss me in the shower, can you bring a drink of water?"
My cousin didn't believe that she would actually get tossed in the shower. She didn't know my Dad well enough to know that he did not make idle threats.
When he held the tip-top of her head under the lukewarm water for 1/10th of a second she screamed like a banshee. Then he gave her the drink of water. On the second night of her overnight stay she drank enough water to satisfy herself before she went to bed.
Based on a true story.
What she was actually doing was talking too much when we were supposed to be asleep. I edited an old joke which had a funnier format. She got at least 8 warnings before splash. Man was it funny. We would have laughed out loud but we would have been next and we knew it. But there was an awful lot of very hard to suppress snickering for the next hour.
You'd think this wasn't a comedy blog anymore. It is! But no parent can help feeling bad for the grandfather who saw his 2-year-old grandson blown into Lake Michigan and founder underwater until he was pulled out and rushed to a hospital by emergency crews after 15 minutes submerged.
A parent's nightmare. Really. When you first realize that your wife is pregnant along with the joy are the worries of all the things that have gone wrong to others that creep into your thoughts and dreams. A friend saw her three-year-old bounce off the bed, through a screen and out the three story window of her apartment. Fortunately into the bushes below.
"Mom! Can I do that again!"
She still quivers a little when she tells that story behind the laughs as she tells it. Be careful where you let your toddlers bounce is the moral of that tale.
The moral of this tale is, be very careful when walking a small child along a pier along any body of water if you yourself cannot swim.
When my son was three I took him down to the harbors along the lakeshore. I let him walk down the piers and look right into the water. He laughed and giggled and had lots of fun. But this story does not make me worry that this was a dangerous thing to do. I was prepared for that activity.
First, it was a calm weather day. No heavy winds.
Second, as a teenager I earned both the Boy Scouts Scout Lifeguard Award, the rough equivalent to the Red Cross Water Safety Instructor except that it also has a rowing requirement, I followed that up with Red Cross Advanced Life Saving and Red Cross CPR in College, then before our son was born, my wife and I got certified in Red Cross Infant and Child CPR at a local hospital.
If my son had fallen into the water I would have been able to pull him out in seconds. Had he stopped breathing, I knew what to do while running to a phone to call 911. Though I had a cell phone with me so that was not needed. But I was prepared. You can be too.
If you live near a large body of water be careful near it. Keep close to kids, near the water if you can't swim.
The grandpa in this case did one thing right. By not jumping in when he did not know how to swim he did not cause a double-drowning. Instead, someone saw him and that gave his grandson the best chance he could get.
Never risk a double drowning, but if you know how, this is the order to do it.
Reach
Throw
Row
But only go if you know how. If you do, try to bring something that floats, like a ring buoy (life preserver) (they are to be thrown over the shoulders of a victim and drawn back not aimed at the head!) or an inflatable something.
Don't ever let a panicked swimmer grab you. Especially by the neck.
Let's keep this family in our prayers.
And as the sporting season starts, make sure you have a safety vest for everyone on your boat. Not only is it the law, but it prevents tragedies on very small craft.
They are an absolute must for canoes.
I will never forget the year after earning Scout Lifeguard being on a 30 mile canoe trip with a non-swimmer in the bow of my canoe. We were on the White River, near Whitehall, Michigan, just where it starts to feed into White Lake. About a half hour before we would land at Arf n' Barf.
He was wearing his vest. But he was also painfully thin.
It was a windy day and we actually had waves on this part of the river that were 6 to 8 inches high. Very unusual. Most of the river is only a foot to 3 feet deep. But at this part it opens up to about 12 feet deep. I was in the stern, the back of the canoe that controls or steers where the canoe would go. He wanted to move further back and I told him No!
He stood up in the canoe to move back anyway. Without his paddling we started to turn sideways to the wind and waves. I yelled to him as gently as I could to be careful and stay low so that he would not present himself like a sail to the wind. He stood straight up to hear me better, then lost his balance. Over we went.
The canoe turned upside down. I immediately came to the surface. He was not on my side of the canoe. I dived, wearing my vest this was hard, under the canoe to make sure he was not trapped underneath it then came up on the underside of it. He was not on the other side. But his vest was.
The kid was so thin that he had slid right out of his life vest and gone straight to the bottom of the river which had a mud bottom. I yelled to some of the older kids behind us to come then dove down to the bottom.
I could see him down there, barely, through the muddy water. He was not moving or struggling. Fighting the pull of the vest was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the water was at least 12 feet down and perhaps 15, it took all my strength.
He looked up at me, reached up to me with his hand, I grabbed it and pulled him into a cross-chest carry with control and the vest rocketed us up to the surface. At the top he exploded out the breath he had been holding.
When I shouted at him why hadn't he tried to come up to the surface he shrugged and said. "I was waiting for you. I knew you'd come get me." Nice. Very nice. By this time a couple of the other canoes got there and I had lashed the kid back into his vest and pushed him into one of the other canoes. We then did a maneuver called canoe over canoe rescue.
To do this you need a second canoe. While the overturned canoe is still upside-down you push one end down so that the other end comes up over the middle of the other canoe. Then you push the over turned canoe up until it is balanced on the middle of the other canoe upside down. Then when it is balanced in the middle, you can turn the canoe over out of the water and slide it back into the water floating. Then the person(s) in the other canoe can hold both canoes together by the thwarts, sides, to make it easier for the people in the water to get back in.
This was in some ways the most panicked of all, I wanted us to get back in the canoe before our Scoutmaster and assistant scoutmaster came around the bend and saw what had happened. I did not want them to know that I had dumped a 10-year old non-swimmer to the bottom of While Lake and almost drowned him. The current had been moving fast. If I had missed him on that first attempt, I don't know if I could have found him on a second try. It was terrifying.
I also did not know if I had the strength for a second or third try given the depth and the strength it took to fight the life vest and my own considerable natural buoyancy. The senior scouts with me and the kid looked at each other in shock.
"Pete", one said, "You almost really screwed that one up."
"Yeah," said another, "But you didn't."
"Hey," I said, "What Willy doesn't know," our Scoutmaster, "won't cause him any lost sleep or tears."
"Right." They all agreed.
"You!" The biggest of the lot said to the kid. "Keep your mouth shut about this and your butt in the bottom of the canoe."
I used what we called Willy-rope, rope our Scoutmaster used to get from tossed-out rope from his employer to tie the vest onto the kid and sat him down while we were still together. I was tempted to tie him to the canoe, but that was unsafe. We moved close to the North bank of the river, the Arf N' Barf side, and moved together as a group the last mile or so to our landing place well ahead still of the last of the 30 canoes with Willy in it.
I don't know if he ever learned that story.
Ten years later I was at my one of my sister's weddings and the kid's sister came up to me.
"Hi Peter," she said in a manner that was a lot friendlier than I would have expected given our lack of time spent together. She was my sisters' friend after all. I said Hi. She looked around. Noticed that we were sort of alone, then she grabbed me and kissed me. Hard.
"Wow! What was that for? I mean, thanks."
"You'll know what that was for if you think a little.:
"What?"
"Done any canoeing lately? Say on the White River at Owasippe?" Then the penny dropped. I knew that she knew. "Thanks. I really have liked having my brother around for the last 10 years. You know he only told me that story recently so its still a little shocking. I don't know what I would have done..."
That's more than you need to know. It made me feel good that someone knew and remembered what had happened. Not my stupidity in letting the situation get that far, though I had done all the warning I could have. But I was even gladder to hear how well he had done since then. That was the best news of all.
Switching back to the news story. This toddler has a possible future just like the kid in my story. It may be that he goes on to a great life. I sure hope so. But all those involved in his rescue deserve kudos for the attempt, from the stranger who stopped and called it in, to each hospital worker. Each life touches so many others. Each one we save, touches thousands more.
And I did not act alone. I was in the position to go to the bottom. But I had the support of the other canoes that rushed to my side. They just didn't help me hide it from Willy. That really wasn't important in the long run. They helped me get the kid out of the water fast. And back into a safe canoe, in a life vest.
When you go out in the water this summer, make sure you wear a properly fitting life vest.
Note: The White River trips started at Canoe Central near the Administration Center and Horse Corral and Ended in Whitehall at Dog 'n Suds which had great food. After almost two weeks of camp food it was like heaven on earth despite our nickname for it.
I just want to say that this joke is not about golf. Though the second variation is sports related, sort of.
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is the Soldiers in your cup.'
The source for that one is a new reader who left it in a note in a yogurt cup on my back porch. In the past I have been suspicious of this souce, er source, and have not run his jokes, but this time I couldn't resist, even though it relies entirely upon having seen the circa 1970's/80's Folger's coffee commercials with jingle.
To save time, I'll just start my version of this joke. A sweet little boy surprised his older brother by laying out his brother's clothes for the next day, knowing that his brother started each day by running 10 miles as he worked up to the marathon he wanted to run soon. He was very proud of the job he had done and could hardly sleep as he waited to hear his brother's comments on the job he had done.
The next morning he was a woken to the sound of swearing in his brother's room! Oh, oh, he had bungled somehow. Timmy! What are these green soldiers doing in my athletic supporter?
I think you can finish that one yourself!
Revision: Would you call Timmie's mistake a Double bogie?
I wholeheartedly recommend Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt for any teaching assignment that she should apply for.
After the months of hell she endured here at our school, I am absolutely convinced that there is no educational situation, including the United States Marine Corps, that Ms. Vanderbilt is not ready to handle.
None of the outright fiascos that occurred in our classroom during her required student teaching stint were her doing, in fact, she averted, spotted, or helped to avert each and every crisis and was especially adept at spotting the life-threatening ones, a valuable asset in a suburban first grade classroom like mine.
First the obvious, Ms. Vanderbilt is a natural teacher. When she opens her mouth, people naturally stop and listen to whatever she has to say. This is because she has the gift of only saying things that are worth saying, and that are relevant or important, such as, "Attention everyone! There is smoke billowing from the boy's bathroom, please line up as if the fire alarm has gone off as it will surely do any second."
Her keen nose got our first-graders to the far stairs just as the fire-alarm was pulled, by Ms. Vanderbilt. This was helpful as our classroom normally exited the building at the near stairs closest to the boy's room. For some God-awful reason the primary department is on the fourth floor of our school and so every second counted that day I can tell you.
Of course it was Kindergartners smoking in the boy's room again and dumping their stubs in the paper towel trash instead of the toilet. Of course, I can't name the family, but every school has one or two of them, we have about 10 of them due to overcrowding. Families I mean. Oddly, only the youngest in two families started smoking without the eldest knowing about it. I believe they have stopped smoking now. Their casts should come off sometime next month.
Ms. Vanderbilt was also very helpful at spotting trouble and danger at our field trip to the ****** County Monster Truck Rally and Gun Show. Personally, I think this kind of event is a little bit much for first graders but until I can get myself onto the Local School Council I don't have much say in which grades get to go to this. At least they keep the Kindergarteners out of the gun show!
Once again we had trouble with a couple of kids who got antsy during the Giant T Jump and Roll Competition, a few of our boys were running around hitting each other with their new (empty) rifles and chased each other onto the track!
Well! I never saw a student teacher move so fast in my life. Ms. Vanderbilt just about leaped out onto that track, leapt out in front of the T-N-T Lizard of Doom Doom Doom before it squashed Toby and Maxie flat, and had them back in their seats before I even knew they were gone.
The boys were upset that their new rifles got squished into the mud, but what can you say? They shouldn't have had them on the track in the first place! Ms. V. also managed to stop a few of the Kindergartners from buying flame-throwers at the gun show. Guess which ones? Don't know how they slipped by their teacher! I'm sure they would have been caught getting off the bus back at school, don't you think?
Ms. V. has also proved to be very good at disarming parents without seeming to touch them. I swear, I saw a parent going after Mr. Nova the science teacher and Ms. V. was standing nearby and that parent just stumbled and fell flat on his face all by his self. No one knows how it happened and we were all looking right at him! The only thing we are all sure of is that Ms. V. didn't move one single muscle.
Ms. V. is a very healthy person, she has encouraged all the kids to exercise and even led a gymnastics club on our field this fall after school. Even some of the teachers joined in. The kids loved it. She brought her boom box and they exercised to songs that were lots of fun. The kids who took part were in a lot better shape and even kept it up after she left. Funny thing, those kids used to get picked on a lot, and they don't at all anymore.
Ms. V. is great in the classroom, knows all the new teaching theories, is great with centers, knows how to evaluate students, do Dibbles testing, and is up on her Fontis and Parnell. The kids love her read-alouds and her lesson plans were letter perfect.
She also had great fashion sense. The kids especially liked it when she wore her purple beret. It was very stylish, very military-like. But don't worry, she is not a forceful or angry person. I have never seen anyone so calm or in control of herself. True to her name, Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt, is as sweet as they come in the classroom and all the kids felt very safe coming to her with their concerns. Sometimes I even wonder how she got through life staying so sweet with a name like that, you'd think she would have been teased to death and compensated for it. But not Ms. V.
If you have any other questions, please feel free to call me at the number above,
Jamie-Lynn Marie Violetta Ashbury-Diamagioletto First Grade Teacher, The Charleton Heston School of ***** County, ******
I once used to hire and supervise student intern. Part of the job was writing recommendation letters. I did not work in education, but a story a friend of mine told me made me wonder about what a bizarre student-teacher recommendation might look like and the odd twists and turns the story took got very far away from just having to write a letter of recommendation for someone super.
Naturally, the latest news about the younger Ms. Spears deciding to move back to Louisiana crept in at the last minute to influence the mentor teacher's name. Please be assured that this bit was NOT written with the Great State of Louisiana in mind. After all, Texas would be so much more likely, or North Carolina, or Alabama, or maybe even Illinois? LOL
Remember - if you take this stuff seriously you are missing the point! Oh, Good luck to anyone caught up in grown up problems too soon. Whatever they are. From life's difficulties comes character - if you face them head on.
He's getting nuttin' for Christmas Mommy and Daddy are mad He's getting nuttin for Christmas...
No, not true, but disabling the family computer for two weeks goes on "The List".
"The List" you ask?
"The List".
The one that comes out for dates he cares about when he's seriously dating and finally, finally it is time to get even for stunts like this one. I won't go into the gory details, but it was definitely the 5-year old who caused the outage of posts the last few weeks, though sliding down the front stairs on my back in the slush did not help either.
Unfortunately, I can't quote myself in either case this being a family blog, nor could I really punish him for the first incident and the latter was definitely my fault, socks are not slush approved foot attire, even invisible slush.
That's the last time I chase a news carrier to try to mete out a holiday tip though! Last year I got tip notes from 3 different carriers and swore to give only to the right one by giving early. I saw him, opened the door in my socks, hit the porch and kept going! Ouch! No fun! My back was not meant to be a toboggan! Nor was my head. It was in bad enough shape already.
As for the critter whop disabled the blog, I did not even figure out he was the cause of the problem until I figured out the problem two weeks late. Pluggo, Pluggere, Pullee, Outem!
I know, how could I have missed a pulled out plug you say? Because he had pulled it out only so far - and so sometimes it worked long enough for the startup sequence to begin and start vibrating the drives which would then wiggle it loose again.
Oh, it was a frustrating situation.
I only figured it out when I disconnected everything on my way to the computer store and was about to put it in the box and wondered, was that power cable loose? Should I try that fix where you plug in only your Mac with no external peripherals and see if that works better.
Oh. Oh. Started right up the first time. The problem was not with the monitor. Oh. Memory of small boy near power cords. Oh. Oh. Oh.
The lowest form of comedy indeed.
Fortunately I rent him by the week! I need inspiration for my kid jokes you know. Can you imagine if I was actually a parent?
Addendum: Sadly, I was unable to edit the blog from external locations as I was recovering from some disability related medical procedures. We don't have a back up, if you would like to help improve our blog technology there are two ways, a direct donation through the box above, an indirect donation by buying things from Amazon after starting from this blog, or by visiting our advertisers in logarithmically diminishing value. Thanks for even thinking of it for a nanosecond!
To get back to Dr. Jeckle from where he could hide from Mr. Hyde!
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Hard as it may be to believe, the dangers of lead in bullets to small children in the home have been overlooked until now.
Here with the details of the "Lead Bullet Recall" is Special Reporter Megan from the "News for Blonds" news team.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
Once upon a time, there were two girls, Mary and Anne, who were signed up for dancing lessons at the local park of the Chicago Park District.
The girls thought this was a wonderful idea, not so much because of their love of dance, but because it got them out of the house two or three times a week for at least an hour when they might otherwise be forced to do homework, or chores, or laundry or such, being from a large family, there was a great deal of laundry or such that they were chained to like dwarves in a Grimms fairy tale, not the nice French kind.
Unlike those in suburban households, where children live on cul-de-sacs and must be driven everywhere, Mary and Anne had the option of either walking or riding their bikes to dancing lessons. I say option, but the truth of it was that in general, no car was available anyway for the trip.
This was not really a burden, because the park's field house was really only a long block down their street, another very short block to the stop light. A few feet to the driveway for the park, and a few more feet to the door of the Park District field house where the dancing lessons were held. A trip of less than 10 minutes, unless, unless, well, we'll get to that, for that's the story.
As a Chicago Park District program, the lessons were free of course, the costumes for the end of the class show were to be provided by the class member's families. Remember this point. It comes into the story later.
Mary and Anne were from a large family for the time, six in, say 1975, when Anne might have been in, at best 3rd or 4th grade, at best, and Mary would have been in 5th or 6th grade, at best, but certainly with a better sense of consequences than Anne. Mary also had perhaps, a little more interest in dancing.
For you see, on that short trip from their house to the dancing class their was, a potential for - diversion! Yes, diversion I tell you!
And this diversion took the form of the home of the two girls' true and dear friends' Ann and Peggy. Ann was Mary's age and Peggy was Anne's age, or a little younger.
Now this is a true story and the names have not been changed to protect the innocent, or not so innocent in this case. So we must bear with a little confusion. Anne lives in the house up the hill a little and takes dancing lessons with Mary. Well, she is supposed to take dancing lessons with Mary. Ann lives in the house down the hill at the end of the long block on the corner that Mary and Anne are supposed to pass on the way to dancing lessons and not enter once the have turned the corner and are just out of sight of their mother, who I will call simply "Mom".
I think, given that I have revealed already that this is a true story that it would be just too much to reveal whether I called this woman "Mom" in those days too, as it would rip away any semblance or pretense of anonymity that the characters Anne, Mary, Ann and Peggy might have as the story goes on.
You can grant me that can't you?
So, to Anne's credit, she did attend the very first dance class with Mary. She absolutely did. She met the dancing teacher. She learned some dance moves. She lined up with the other girls and listened to them start to follow the teacher's movements as so many classes each fall had to the ever so moving and thrilling strains of that thrilling popular tune Alley Cat.
And Anne was indeed moved. It is indeed unfortunate that history does not record Anne's comments to Mary about the class she had just attended on the way back home, because Anne is one of the naturally funniest people in the universe. Especially, especially, when she has an audience capable of understanding her special blend of irony and wit.
If they, and the temptation by now would have been irresistible, stopped at the home of Ann and Peggy to describe exactly how strange their dance class experience had been, and they would have stopped in any case to avoid getting home early enough to get drafted into making one of the delegate-able typical Irish-American dinners so popular with their mother (such as kraft dinner and hot dogs, or roast chicken, onion salt and green beans (salt on the chicken before roasting), or broiled hamburgers, baked fries, and applesauce, or, a ham slice, corn, and another boiled veggie (ever wonder why PBS has never featured a series called "The Great Cooks of Ireland?))
Fortunately, there is no need for historical veracity here:
Anne: That is the stupidest thing I have ever done. Mary: You mean intentionally. Anne: You agreed not to bring up the time I let Anna cut my hair ever again! Mary: And you believed me? Anne: I believed that these dancing lessons might be good for something, so far all they are good for is getting us out of the house. O.K. that is something. Mary: Look, its just the first day, things will get better. Anne: Things will NOT get better. Did you hear that song they had us dancing to? I think I heard it at a funeral once. And Mom is supposed to make part of our costume. you trust her to do that? Mom can not sew. Mary: That's just a practice song. No way will we be doing it for the final recital. Besides, we'll get Grandma to do the sewing. Anne: Like she has time after cleaning up after 9 cats, 3 St. Bernards, a mangy Collie, and Grandpa. Mary: The cats don't count, they live under the front porch, Aunt Sally & Aunt Laura help with the dogs, and Grandpa is self-cleaning and still works. She only has to sew on some reindeer tails and there are three months to go. Anne: Maybe, I'll go again, but you better not tell anyone at school that I'm in it and if I don't go anymore you better not tell Mom! Mary: You're kidding right? I would never violate The Code!
The Code: Survival among the siblings created the code and caused the defeat and retreat of many a babysitter who hoped to threaten them into submission.
Simply put: Though shalt not squeal. Whenever possible, though shalt not cause the wrath of parental units to descend upon us. If such should befall you Though shall do your best to take it for the team.
The effect: For Mary, Anne and their siblings, adult wrath of all kinds was avoided. This also made them popular with the friends to whom they extended this treatment.
Somehow though, Anne never made it back to dancing class. Instead she stopped a Peggy's house and played with Ann and Peggy and Mary would tell her about what happened at dance class. As the weeks went by Anne's worst suspicions were confirmed.
There was no new music. They would have one number in the Christmas show. They would be dancing reindeer. The curtain would open and they would do a simple number where they danced in circles and from side to side in reindeer costumes to the tune of "Alley Cat".
What "Alley Cat" had to do with Christmas neither of the girls could figure out. Their best bet was that the show was originally a Halloween show that had been pushed back to Christmas, but that while the costumes were changed, the music was not because the de-dee-dee de de de de dee de de beat of Alley Cat was impossible for young dancers NOT to hear.
Also, the girls, any boys in the class dropped out within two classes, usually, had only to change from buying black leotards to brown leotards and from making long cat tails to short reindeer tails. The noses were painted on about the same, except for those who wanted to do gender crossing and pretend to be Rudolph.
Through all of this time, Anne remained unconcerned about the number of practices she was missing. Sometimes at Ann and Peggy's house she would ask Mary to run through the steps and Mary would make it looks so easy that Anne thought, shoot, I can do that, say "Thanks, I can catch up if I have to" and go back to playing with Peggy.
Mary: Ann, I'm worried about Anne, she's not worried at all that my Mom and Dad are going to figure out that she's not going to class. Ann: Well, why should she worry? They're not going to see her dance, so what's the problem. She just gets sick on show night and that's it. Mary: That won't work! My Mom and Dad will feel like they'll have to apologize that she didn't make it, and after making that costume, Mom just might Make her go thinking its just stage fright. Ann: You'd better make her go to a few practices. Mary: I think she's scared that she's missed so many they won't let her come back and will call home. Ann: Oops. So She's going to have to just show up for the show and fake it? Mary: Yes. Ann: Well, don't tell her beforehand, but look for us in the top row, he he. Mary: No! Ann: If you think I'm going to miss this. This will be better than the hair cutting incident.
Just like in a fairy tale things got worse. Grandma had to visit a sick relative. Mom had to buy the leotards and came back with black ones. Then made the reindeer tails without actually looking at a picture. She made them out of stockings. Fortunately, the reindeer antlers were purchased. Nonetheless the afternoon before the show, the girls were shown the leotards with tails permanently sewn on.
They screamed in horror. Windows broke for blocks around.
The local news attributed it to a weather anomaly.
Anne: Mom! Those aren't Reindeer tails, those are Rat tails! We'll look like Mutant Rat-Reindeer. We're supposed to have cute white tails. (Almost crying.) Marye: Mom! You've got to fix them. Ann's right! These are awful. Mom: But Reindeer are like horses, don't horses have long tails! Mary: Not LONG THIN RAT TAILS! Besides, Santa's Reindeer have cute white cotton tails, all the girls agreed! Mom: I'm sorry girls, but you didn't tell me that. (History is uncertain of this detail.) Anne: But don't you see, with black instead of brown costumes, we will REALLY look like Christmas Rats! Mom: We can't do anything about the leotards except maybe give you red collars. Then with two of you, you will look special. Maybe I can pin the tails in a circle or something and stuff them into a white sock...
So this was done and our two reindeer now had stubby tails that were quite fat, but they now no longer looked quite so much like rats and they were a little mollified. Until...
Dad: Good news girls, I talked to Grandma, Uncle Ron, Aunt Sally, Uncle Neil, Dave and a few other friends and drummed up a real audience for you tonight. With their families I'll bet you'll have at least 30 people there to see you dance tonight! Plus the six of us not dancing of course. Mary: (To herself) Plus Peggy and Ann, 38, plus anyone they told, that makes, easily a thousand. Anne: Screams and falls to the floor attempting to simulate the onset of a grave illness.
Two hours later, fed and a little nervous, Mary and Anne are dropped off at the entry for the "backstage" of the performance area. Since the announcement of the potential attendance of 30 relatives Anne realizes that she is well and truly trapped and has spent the last two hours in the basement, without the benefit of a recording of the dreaded Alley Cat, trying to learn the routine.
Her one advantage is that Mary knows it by heart by now as it has been drummed into her until she can do it in her sleep. So she sings the tune as they go along. Two hours is not enough time for Anne at her state of panic to learn the routine. She has never tried to learn a routine before. But she does learn how to do each of the moves, she just cannot get what order they are in.
Walking in Anne has two strategies. One - not be noticed and two - get on stage.
Anne does not want to be noticed because if she is noticed the Dance Program Director might not let her go on. She decides to hide in the darkest corner of the room with her head half hidden and her tail completely out of sight as she knows her tail is completely in opposition to strategy number one - not be noticed.
Mary on the other hand bravely tries to draw fire by being noticeable. And of course she does, as most of the girls can't stop themselves from laughing at her tail, even the nice ones. They all like Mary, she's that kind of girl, nice to everyone, supportive, always something nice to say to everyone, but even with the foreknowledge that Mary's Mom is a terrible sewer, the reality is beyond their comprehension and trying not to laugh just makes it worse.
What saves it of course, is that Mary sees the humor in it.
Mary: You should see what it started as. She took a stocking thinking that reindeer had long thin tails. My sister Anne said I looked like a Mutant Reindeer-Rat.
After that the room exploded with laughter, even Anne couldn't help laughing, the pent up tension inside her bringing tears to her eyes as she looked at the clock and noticed that the show was due to start in two minutes. Just then, the Dance Program Director walked back into the room and called the girls to attention. It was nearly their turn. The younger classes had finished and it was time for them to go on.
Dance Program Director: Girls! Time for you to go on. I want you to know that I am very proud of each and every one of you. You have all worked very hard and you know just what to do. SO, go out to do it and have fun. For some reason we seem to have a particularly big audience tonight, one of our biggest ever. Don't let that throw you. They are here to see you succeed, so pay attention to each other and not them. At the same time, don't forget to smile at each other. After all, you know each other very well and you can count on each other if you are not sure what to do.
If so, just follow the person ahead of you or to either side! Now break a leg!
Line up in one minute.
She left the room and Anne took that moment to sneak up next to and behind Mary as close as she could in line. The clock was ticking. The Dance Program Director came back in went to the curtain, began to open it, looked across her girls smiling, saw Anne, frowned and then hurried to her and said:
Dance Program Director: WHO are YOU? And what are you doing in line with my class, in a costume? Anne: I'm in your class! Dance Program Director: No you're not! I've never seen you before, I have no idea who you are! Anne: But I'm in your class, I'm on your list, look at it, my name is Anne, it's on it just before my sister Mary here. Dance Program Director: Why so it was, I scratched it out when you never came back, but I can't let you go out there if you haven't been here, you don't know the steps. Anne: I've been sick, but Mary's been teaching me at home, and my whole family is out there, praying that I'm well enough to do this. Dance Program Director: Well I'm sorry, but I pray that they'll understand that I can't let you go out there without seeing you do this right at least once and we just don't have the time. I AM sorry to disapoint you, but it's just not fair to the other girls.
And Anne, terrified, sat down, weeping as the other girls went out. Then the Dance Program Director slid out the side curtain to announce the girls and start the record.
Then, terrified of what her parents would say and do, Anne did something that would change her life. She got up, peeked though the curtain, saw that the lights were still down and slipped into the back row of reindeer, not noticing that she had ripped the seam holding the sock onto her "Rat tail" somewhat.
Then Alley Cat began and the lights went up to vigorous applause. The crowd was larger than in her worst nightmares and all of the girls froze for about 4 bars, enough that the Dance Program Director apologized for some "Technical difficulties" and reintroduced the act in blackout again, this time bringing up the lights before the music in hopes of fooling the audience that she was at fault for the incomprehensible stares.
The second introduction worked and it gave Anne a head start as at first she remembered what Mary had taught her. This lasted a glorious 45 seconds, of reindeer dancing to the left, to the right, spinning to the left, spinning to the right, then moving in a box so that those who had been in the back of the formation were now in the very front of the audience.
Two things happened then.
One, Anne ran out of choreography without an example right in front of her to copy from so she was forced to look to either side for help.
Two, she was now blocking Angel, the girl who for the last 6 weeks had been in the front of the pack at this point and whose mother could not get the great picture of her that they had been planning.
Three, this very same girl, Angel noticed something funny about Anne's reindeer tail, it seemed to be having a stitch problem. Surely it would be better if that hanging white string were removed. So, when the reindeer all danced in place in a circle to the right, the little minx held on to that thread and let it unwind, undoing the thread holding the sock in place and before the entire audience, dead center, down front, in front of 30 relatives, poor Anne who appeared to be dancing pretty well thus far, was transformed into a Mutant Rat-Reindeer.
Without Anne's knowledge, at first.
So, if you will excuse the term, seamless was her transition. And so clearly was the transformation the work of Angel, the reindeer behind Anne, that it was mistaken for plot, and from then on all eyes were focused on Anne to see what would become of this poor bespelled Mutant Reindeer-Rat.
What became of her was that she immediately began to lose her reindeer powers to dance.
For as Anne reached the end of her memory of the choreography she began to do every dance move increasingly behind the rest of the dancers, with the gap increasing as time and her panic went on.
When the reindeer turned left, Anne turned left, just a second too late. When the reindeer hopped backwards, Anne stuck in front, caught on a St. Nick of a moment too late and hopped back with so much enthusiasm that she almost knocked the girl behind her, Angel, into the closed curtain, again, this was mistaken for plot. The audience roared. Anne, thinking this reaction was due solely to her inept dancing, was really shaken, but bravely went on, determined to follow the advice given earlier and ignore the audience.
The next time the group twirled full circle, Anne was so determined to dance dramatically, Anne's mutant tail elevated and whipped Angel in the face, hard. She screamed, the audience clapped and laughed again, now convinced that Anne was the star in some little morality play. And Anne began to suspect that the laughter was due to a costume flaw involving her tail. This was confirmed when she spotted the white sock on the floor where she had been standing in front of Angel previously.
Could Angel have? Nooo....
Meanwhile, Mary, a little behind and to the right, watched what was going on with growing concern. Angel could be a vindictive little soul and was not beyond starting a throw down cat fight in front of everyone if this went on any longer. At the same time, Mary knew who the audience would favor. What to do?
Then the reindeer did a block dance again. This finally put Angel in the front row and Mary near her. Angel noticed that Mary had a similar tail to Anne's and put two and two together and she ripped Mary's sock off with glee as the audience whistled.
Mary: (whisper) This means war Angel! Angel: (whisper) I'm not afraid of you! Mary: (whisper) You should be worried about the 40 relatives I have in the audience if I were you, I'd be thinking of a way to give this fairy tale a happy ending. Angel: (whisper) 40! You're lying! Mary: (whisper) Unfortunately not. Just look at their noses. The really tall boys are her brothers. They are having fun, now... Angel: EEK! Mary: (Tail undone - perfectly timed rotation of tail) "Whack"! Think about it!
At this point Angel's confidence had fallen a bit. Realizing that in front of the audience she had removed two tails, and was seen, as the "bad reindeer", she had only one option.
With the end of Alley Cat nearing Angel moved out of position in front of the dancing group and did her best "remorseful" dance which ended with her on her knees facing the side of the stage on which Mary and Anne were "Dancing".
Mary was now doing her best to follow Anne poorly following the other dancers since M was now also a Mutant Rat-Reindeer and so unable to dance in time to the music. She grabbed Anne once Angel was kneeling and brought her to the front to see what she was up to. Angel then, brilliantly, ripped her own tail off, split it in half, and offered it to the two reindeer, who rejoiced in an ersatz "Snoopy Dance" bearing no resemblance to anything taught at the park or the timing of the music.
Mary then ripped off Anne's tail. Anne ripped off Mary's tail. And they raised them up as if to crown Angel for her kindness. Instead, they tied the two together which made them long enough to tie around Angel's waste making Angel a Mutant Rat-Reindeer just as "Alley Cat" ended.
The audience roared with laughter and applause.
The dancers all took a bow together.
Then the audience, being mostly relatives, called "Mary and Anne, Mary and Anne" and to the Dance Program Director's dismay, they came forward to take bows. But then Anne went back and pulled Angel to the front, and to her surprise, the audience, thinking her shenanigans were all part of the act, gave her big applause as well. Thus redeeming Angel in the eyes of her mother. So she joined the three in one final bow.
Then the Dance Program Director having had enough, cut the lights.
Wisely, Mary and Anne did not return backstage.
In the car on the way home. A short but revealing ride.
Mom: Huh, ha, Huh. Ha, Huh, Ha. Anne, You, Ha, You, Anne, Ha, You, Ha, You, Ha didn't ha, go, to a, ha, huh, single, ha, practice, did you? Anne: Um, I went to the first one. Does that count? Mom: If that, ha, huh, wasn't, ha, so, funny, ha, seeing, hu, you, ha, a, ha, a step, behind everyone, ha, else, you'd hah, be, in big, trouble, now. Whew, ooh, lord.
And so the story ends, Anne lived happily ever after. Except that she was doomed to hear this story over and over for the rest of her natural life, because it is one of Mary's favorites, and it is better when Mary tells it.
Except when Anne tells it, of course.
And of course now it is on the internet, where her friends and co-workers at the Park District may see it and understand why she always uses Alley Cat for the Fall Introduction to Dance classes she teaches now.
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A nursery school teacher was driving a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck raced by sirens wailing and lights flashing. Sitting in happily the front seat of the fire engine was the crew's black spotted Dalmatian puppy.
The children wondered what the dog did other than ride around looking happy to earn his keep at the fire house.
"They use him to keep crowds away from the firs," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just a good luck charm."
But a third child brought the conversation to an end and almost caused an accident.
"Dalmations," she said firmly, " are very good at spotting the fire hydrants."
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1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's (or Grandma's) lap. This is from my friend MES one of this blog's great contributors.
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Mary was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her mom's dark brunette hair.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother, still unhappy at yesterday's incident, where Mary and her 4 siblings had opened a rarely purchased and brand new box of Lucky CharmsTM and removed all the marshmallow Charms, while her Mom napped after an exhausting shopping trip, all the while dreaming about a having just a single bowl of the cereal herself, could not be blamed for replying, "Well, every time that you do something wrong that makes me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
Mary, thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mom, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"
(Note: parts of this joke are based on true events). The aftermath of the Lucky Charms incident has been blocked from my memory. The name of the sibling in question may have been changed to protect the guilty.
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Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors,mentors,flash cards,special learning centers. In short,everything they could think of to help him improve. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they enrolled Zachary in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and began studying.
When his mother went up to his room to check on him, books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. Later, she called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, Little Zachary marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books again.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at the report card and, to her great surprise, little Zachary had gotten an "A" in math!
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it - the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, No.
"Well,then,"she asked, Was it the books,the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".
Now that's a case of some genuine reflection if ever I saw one!
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I was looking through old strips of the comic day by day by the stingingly funny and politically relevant Chris Muir, which you can see new every day in the comments section of each Peter Files Blog post. That's because the talented and generous Mr. Muir allows us mere bloggers to do so for free. Thanks Chris! I think your strip is great!
You can also see day by day if you come to a post directly through the recent posts list on the sidebar, or do a Google search of our blog using the blue box above that takes you to any single post, for example, yesterday's superhero parodies of the Mac commercials or that great epic How You Give a Cat a Pill.
We used to host day by day at the top of the page but got comments that it took too long to get to into each of our daily posts (not everyone is surfing on a high speed line), so we moved day by day into the insides of our blog, but it is still accessible to you every day. Check it out! It's worth it.
To see today's day by day entry, for example, if you have not come directly to this post alone, just click on the name of this post, or on the comments section line, and it should appear at the bottom of that page!
Day by day also appeals to a slightly older crowd, and while not adult, we have made it a little harder for the 10 and under crowd to find. Not that I am getting any feedback that the 10 and under crowd are reading this blog, but it is supposed to be SFH and, well some of the day by day outfits are a bit skimpy.
But I found this one worth bringing to the top. It follows in the vein of yesterday's Marvel vs Action videos.
If you liked this one and want to see more, just right-click on it to go to the day by day web page and that will allow you to go back and read strips going back to 2002, and add the strip to your own blog for free if you like.
Kids Joke heard in passing*:
Q: Why did the sucker cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken!
*From an honest to goodness kid, imagine that. I really liked that one. I think it was, after the surprise of an actual original answer to a chicken-across-the-road joke, imagining just how annoyed that chicken might be with a sucker stuck to its feathers. Laughing further, I realized we not had a motivation for the chicken to get across the road, to get to some water to get the darn sucker off his back! Hope you like it too.
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If you've missed the Apple and PC commercials go to Apple.com to see them first - they point out the many, many advantages of Macs over PC's in many areas: user friendliness, graphics, fun, lack of crashing, etc.
These brillint and hysterically funny parodies, produced by YouTube.com contributor ItsJustSomeRandomGuy parody the PC Vs Mac TV commercials and pit rival publishers DC Comics and Marvel Comics through their respective Superheroes Superman and Spiderman, both of which have had recent movie experience.
The rivalry between the two publishing houses has gone on for decades. Marvel Comics produces or has produced Spiderman, X-Men, The Fantastic 4, Thor, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America and many other gritty strips.
DC Comics has a long history of publishing including Batman, Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, Catwoman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow. the short lived, Forever People, and The Shadow of the 70's and more recently, Krypto - The Super Dog, currently a staple of the current WB Saturday lineup, though Krypto's comic book seems to have stalled after 5 or 6 issues, possibly because his main audience is aged 4-8 and a bit too young to buy comics for themselves..
Here they are, some commentary to follow!
Hi! I'm a Marvel, and I'm a DC... (Welcome Back Superman!)
Hi! I'm a Marvel, and I'm a DC... (Good Times, Good Times)
Hi! I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC... (It's Still Moving,)
Hi! I'm a Marvel, and I'm a DC... (You Got Dock Ock and I Got A Rock)
Hi! I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC... (Batman and Spidey Compare)
Hi! I'm a Marvel and I'm Batman (The Dark Knight Adds Perspective)
These videos have cast Marvel in the Mac role, suggesting that DC comic characters are lame compared to the Ma rvel Super heroes, but in the Marvel vs DC comic book conflict I have always leaned towards towards DC, though I read pretty much everything I could get my hands on.
There used to be a small store a half block west of the Rexal Drugs west of Ellis at 79th Street in Chicago in the 60's, a little hole in the wall really. The owner would buy new a 12 cent comic book for 7 Cents and sell it for 10, a used one for 3 and sell it for 5, and 80 page or a 100 page giant for 10 cents and sell it for 15. My brother and I could pool our allowances and through judicious recycling, could strech our combined 45 cents allowance into quite a bit of weekly reading, even if we spent a nickle or dime on candy.
The big battle was not to spend 12, (later 13) cents for a brand new comic book, though we often could not help ourselves. Trading at straight value was of course a good deal, but this was where relative value of comics came in and the DC/Marvel controversy would come in.
Generally, except for Spiderman and the Fantastic Four, DC Comics were preferred to Marvel, at least a bit, so in multi-issue trading, you often got an extra issue if you were canny. Of course, if you had DC 100 page giants (or 80 page giants which they published instead when they were trying to keep from raising the face cost of the comic books) Marvel often had no equivelent. And so you could get extra issues that way.
Then there were always cross-overs to consider. The Marvel heroes did not cross-over nearly as much as the DC heroes did at first. So that gave us a lot more to buy.
Anyway, I hope you liked these.
If they don't all play I will come back and split this into several posts!
Ta for not!
And hey, Krypto is a little juvenile but fun for little kids. Batdog is so dry in his humor he is a scream.
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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Adults)
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, 'That's a nice kitty.' Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under futon.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. Bandage forefinger. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well. Note: do not allow cat's claws to rest against your bare chest whilst attempting this maneuver without checking first that you have antibiotic ointment and bandages in your medicine cabinet.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, 'Who's the the boss here anyway?' Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops! Remember not to do this near the litter box next time as you brush yourself off.
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to new wounds (yours). Try to ignore the fact that cat is looking at you as if nothing has happened and that something is wrong with you for having te half crazed look on your face, surely a cat is too refined and noble ever to drool like that for any reason.
18. Take two aspirins & lie down. Consider the virtues of virtual pets and robotic ones, the iKitty will even play your fave tunes, and the good that donating your cat would do to the longevity of a senior citizen such as your mother.
19. Immediately become plagued with guilt, especially if you are truly expert at it, ie., Catholic or Jewish, or in some cases, a cat-lover, even after a nightmare such as this, and decide to keep the treacherous fur ball for at least another week, or until Amvets calls looking for donations.
20. Smile knowing that the ASPCA cannot fault you for fitting yourself in one of those boxes on your doorstep for AMVETS to pick up as long as you call them first and leave the keys under the mat for them behind and enough money to pay for room and board for kitty's natural life.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Children Under 6)
1. Put Pill Between Teeth.
2. Give cat a kiss right on the mouth. When surprised cat opens its mouth spit the pill into the back of the cat's mouth, then ticke its tummy.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Children Ages 7-12)
1. Grind up pill and mix it with cat food.
2. If that doesn't work, grind the pill up and mix it into heavy cream with sugar.
3. Tell mom that putting crushed pill in your facorite brand of ice cream worked. Try it if you feel like it.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Teenagers)
1. Give the cat plush doll that looks as much like Paris Hilton as possible, re-stuffed with catnip.
2.Tape the cat for You-Tube getting totally wasted as it does triple backward somersaults off of chairs, spins in circles, attempts to fly, and pounces on the doll and tries to chew it, tear it and do all manner of odd things to and with it.
3. Wait till it gets the munchies, then give it the pill in a little tuna puff pastry.
4. Upload the video to YouTube.com and include the part where you give the cat a pill. The video becomes the most highly rated video of all time.
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