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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Ken's Election Follies - The Candidates Answer - 2 + 2 = What?

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This post comes to us via my good friend Ken, who agonized over this piece of original writing almost as long as he agonized over the perfect way to display his photos and the perfect photo album. That's an exaggeration. The photo album search was a five year project, if it truly ended. That started long before the world of iTunes in the era of the original Mac. This piece took less than a month, perhaps less than a week, but it was clearly worth the effort.

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Have you been watching the debates? There are lots of questions but no clear answers. Maybe the questions are too complex for them? So we sent out a questionnaire to all the candidates with just one simple question and challenged them to answer it.

Here is the question and the candidate responses:

Question: What is 2 + 2?

Joe Biden: You want 2+2? You want 2+2. OK, this is how I’d do it. I would separate the 2’s which is something I suggested long before the question was asked. And I‘m the only one here who has been separating out 2’s. Then you combine the 2’s but only after we have an exhaustive, investigatory, probe…and we keep out the politics in a non political, political fashion. Furthermore, and I don’t say this lightly… oh, I’m out of time? OK. [Smile].

Sam Brownback: Those who adhere to "Science" may assert whatever number they choose but only He knows what that number truly is.

Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hey hey hey, you boys won’t get me with that one. Heh heh, hey.

Chris Dodd: As my distinguished colleague just eloquently said and that colleague is a dear friend of mine.

John Edwards: Well, I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d be honest with the American people. I would be straight with them. I would tell them directly.

Mike Gravel: None of you have the guts to add those numbers up. What is wrong with you people? I was adding them way back in the days when those numbers meant something. Who gives a **** anyway.

Rudy Giuliani: 911, 911, 911!! It’s not a 2+2 world anymore. I can’t believe you had the audacity to suggest otherwise. 911!

Duncan Hunter: Ronald Reagan. Uhhh, Ronald Reagan.

Dennis Kucinich: That is not something I would leave up to the greedy corporations and corrupt politicians and high bankrollers with hidden agendas to determine. That number belongs to you and me and the hard working folks of America.

John McCain: If we don’t add them there we’ll have to add them here. [Smile].

Mike Huckabee: As governor of that great state of Arkansas, I’ve done that. Now check out this guitar groove, southern style.

Barack Obama: Sure, we can all offer our own suggestions on that number but we must allow ourselves to go beyond all those preconceptions of mathematics. That is what makes us the great nation that we are.

Ron Paul: We cannot have the government dictating to us what numbers we should add. It is one of our basic inherit rights under the constitution to freely choose our own numbers; individually, freely, and without prejudice.

Bill Richardson: I’m the only one here who has been a legislator, chief executive, cabinet official, and ambassador but I am not a mathematician.

Mitt Romney: 3! No, 5! OK, what number do you want? Just say it. You can have it. It’s yours.

Tom Tancredo: OK. You say 2, but are those two legal 2’s? And I’ll bet the other two are terror 2’s. So you build a wall around the first two, bomb the others and then, then, I don’t know what but that’s what I’d do.

Tommy Thompson: That’s a whole bunch of crap. Oh 2+2? I thought you said doo plus doo and that would be doo-doo.

Alfred E. Newman: What does 2 + 2 equal? What me worry? I'm a Mad Magazine character, of course I'm going to win the election, in the magazine. Too bad for you it won't be in real life, I'd be better than that Bozo you have now. At least I know Osama isn't spelled S-a-d-d-a-m!*

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Ken's stuff here is so good that it makes me want to do my own list, but let's let Ken's list stand in its own glory. I'll save mine for another post. * Ok, I admit it, the last one, Alfred, is mine. He's a trademark of Mad Magazine.

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Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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