Almost ready for that Super Bowl Party? Chips, dip, brewskis, brats, hot italian sausages, hot Irish girls? Got your TV, extra fuses if you need them. Your Chicago Bears outfit. Oh, and you know the Chicago Bears fight song, right?
What!!!! Oh, fair weather fan you. Well, thanks to Bryan Griffin of Chicago's Lyric Opera, You Tube.com, Blogger, and The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, you have just enough time to learn the Bears Fight Song before the big game. Just hit play and sing along with Bryan. The words are right below the video, so have fun.
Bear Down, Chicago Bears, Make every play clear the way to victory! Bear Down, Chicago Bears, Put up the fight with the might so fearlessly! We'll never forget the thrill you gave the nation, with your T-formation! Bear Down, Chicago Bears, And let them know why you're wearing the crown! You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, Bear Down!
The top salesman at a Miami Condo Sales "Factory" was very excited when he found out that he had won a ticket to the Super Bowl from his company for exceeding the year's sales target by 30%.
Unfortunately, when he got to the stadium, he realized that his seat is about as far and as high away from the 50 yard line as you can get, so high that the kids selling hot dogs and beer were getting nosebleeds, asthma attacks, and were feeling the effects of oxygen deprivation. This bothered our salesman so much, you can only see a vertigo churros vendor spin awkwardly down the stairs so many times before you begin to question your own safety.
And so, about halfway through the first quarter, searching though his binoculars he sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," the salesman said, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
The Chicago Bears have had a great year. Now they are NFC champs heading towards the Super Bowl aiming to crush AFC champs the Indianapolis Colts. But do the Bears have an advantage by nature? Both their offensive and defensive lines have shown power and ingenuity this year in attacking their opposing teams. Perhaps they are taking lessons from their namesakes as this joke will tell.
One day an Indianapolis Colt Quarterback was hiking in the woods when a giant blue bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the QB climbed up higher. While bears can climb a bit, they are not by nature climbers, preferring a running and passing strategy. So eventually, the bear climbed down and went away. After a little bit, the QB thinks that the bears is gone and starts to climb down the tree. But suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear, possibly a linebacker or tackle, with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the Colts QB climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy QB starts down the tree again, wasting no time in his desire to get away.
Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the Colt QB knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER...
As I said, ingenuity and strategy. Isn't it nice to be in this position, to tell such stories this year?
Q: How many Colts does it take to win a Superbowl? A: No one knows, and we may never find out!
Fair? No, but who said pre-Super Bowl jokes should be fair.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Colt
Colt Who?
Colt you lend me a tissue, I can't believe we lost Super Bowl 41 to the Bears!
I really shouldn't be horsing around like this but I just can't help it!
Hotel Room Maid: Say, what are you doing here? Aren't you the Indianapolis Quarterback or something? Shouldn't you be at the stadium right now.
Player: Yeah, I would be, but I've got a really bad Colt.
Maid: Really? Oh, that's too bad. Did he say what kind?
Player: Yes, its very embarrasing, he said I've caught Bears Fever and the only cure is bed rest for at least a week, with a special diet.
Maid: Special Diet?
Player: Yes, I started it last night, a 12 pack of Old Style, 2 Italian Beef and sausage combo sandwiches, a sausage, mushroom, green pepper and onion Chicago style, deep dish pizza, an order of cheese fries and a bag of White Castles. That's my late night snack. Breakfast was bigger and it goes on from there.
Maid: Wow! What a diet. And you feel better?
Player: Sort of. I feel kind of heavy and bloated, and still sick. But I guess if feed a fever is the way to go, we're on the right track. Besides, those Eastern European doctors are the best. They've worked so hard to get where they are.
Maid: Eastern ... What did your doctor say his name was?
Player: Oh, he was very nice. Dr. Diatka, I think his name was. He was really concerned about my health. Wanted me to promise to stay in bed all day to day. Despite the pressure, I'm glad I did too.
Knock: Food Order!
Player: Oh boy! Time for my late afternoon Cheese Fries.
So much for Great moments in football joke history!
With the Super Bowl approaching, we can't help hoping that the Indianapolis Colts share Steven Colbert's apprehensions about bears. If so, The Chicago Bears will have a great deal of fun at the Super Bowl. In the mean time, enjoy these video Bears jokes that show how Colbert feels about Bears.
In fact, one has to wonder how he has been sleeping these last few weeks with the Chicago Bears dominating Football.
Having seen these Colbert films, you can see why the informed Colbert fan might suspect that Steve's Spider sense might be at full throttle this week. And imagine if the Bears win this weekend! Steve will face the specter of a Pack of Bears unleashed upon the media, appearing on television wherever he might look he might, perhaps even on the same show with himself.
Some current statistics about the Peter Files Blog and its Readers:
About one in 5 readers access the Peter Files Blog from a computer. This would tend to understate Mac ownership, because it is likely that at least some readers access this blog from work which is less likely to be Mac-friendly. This is especially true because the Peter Files Blog is a safe for work humor source and so can be viewed from work.
Near all other users are using Windows operating systems, though on a day to day basis, Linex and other users can be as high as 10 percent. Nearly all Windows users are using XP, though 2000, Millenium, and Server 2003 are used as well.
Blog visitors are most likely to arrive here from a search engine, bringing them to a page other than our home page which tends to feature 7 days of posts. Those who move on to our home page get so much to read on that second click that it is unusual for the average pages per visitor to exceed 2. However, the to achieve an average of 2 pages per reader, some are reading rather more.
Overall, while our blog visits are nearing 31,000, our pages viewed exceed 45,000, suggesting that the overall average is just under 1.5 pages viewed per person.
Since we started in February of 2005, 430 posts have been published on just about every subject under the sun. Interestingly, some of the same posts continue to draw the largest number of hits.
A post with a well-popularized version of a spoof on the Abbot and Costello skit known as "Who's on First" starring George Bush and Condaleeza Rice playing upon the name of Chinese Premier Hu, called "Hu's on First" gets one or more hits almost daily. The post has a link to an audio clip of the original Abbot and Costello Routine.
Then there is the Man Bites Shark post about a guy who accidentally pulled in a 700 lb shark, complete with pictures. People sure do love those shark pictures, there is another post with one somewhere in the 400 and it draws regular new readers too.
After that it's a mixture, and on any given day I am surprised about what a mixture it is. Often someone has come in through an RSS Feed direct to a recent post. That has increased not what there is an RSS subscribe button on every post. Subscribing to this blog with the RSS link in your browser bookmarks toolbar is a great way to check the headlines here regularly and pop in if something looks good.
I've gone on and on about international representation in the past. I am always surprised that there is always someone from Austrailia, Asia, the Pacific Islands, India, the Middle East and Europe Checking in. Perhaps it is largely people in the United States armed forces or Embassy staffs checking in on blogs from home, but that is not the feeling I get from those comments I check out.
I hope you found this interesting. If nothing else, you have learned that you can use the blue search box to search this blog for keywords you like for example: Best Of, Bush, Blondes, Funny Videos, Jokes, Parenthood, TV, Easter, Irish, Bunnies, Math, Da Bears, American Idol, God, etc.
Well, that's it for this post. Y'all come back now, hear?
Yep, with a little of Season 6 of American Idol under our belts , the question that has haunted the show since the beginning is back. Let me step back a little.
I was standing in line at CVS and just before I darted back to Pharmacy to have them check me out (much faster than waiting for 8 people - should I admit this?) I noticed one of the tabloids with a huge headline.
No, not "George and Laura Bush split!" or words to that effect. That was another tabloid. I find it hard to believe that that one is true.
No, another claimed "American Idol Results Fixed By Judges! Winner Decided Ahead of Time!", again, or words to that effect. Since I tend to ignore the tabloids on most occasions I don't have that quick identification of which one is which, you'll have to go out to your favorite tabloid source if you want to get the details on either of these compelling works of ... hmmn, facts or fiction?
Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper? If so then those judges are guilty as sin. But then, doesn't talent naturally rise to the top? Isn't it likely that in any pool of inexperienced but talented singers that some would stand out as more together than others from the start? If the judges notice this, and comment accordingly, is the fix in or are they just being honest, or, are they even digging at those behind to het them mad enough to work at their highest level.
Isn't that Simon's game after all?
Well. Here's a poll. We have not had one in awhile. Don't let my ramblings influence your feelings one bit.
How likely do you think it is that the American Idol Judges attempt to fix the results?
They obviously can't completely control the outcome without telephone vote fraud on a massive scale. I'm sure those numbers must be being audited carefully. But still, they have a lot of influence. There is a pretty wide scale here, there are no wrong answers here, just give your best gut feeling. If you have friends interested in Idol have them take it too.
Remember, this is a non-randomized poll, so its non scientific survey, so its results are worth zilch. But it might still be interesting to see what people say.
Thanks for helping out.
Before signing off, many kudos to well deserving Golden Globe winner Jennifer Hudson who received an Academy Award Best Supporting Actress nomination Tuesday morning for her role in Dreamgirls. Jennifer, a Chicago native, was of course knocked out of the American Idol competition earlier than many of her fans wanted. She had a great deal of south Side Chicago support, especially at Beverly Rare Records at 116th or 118th and South Western Avenue where she was a regular in their karaoke shop. Go Jennifer!
Unless you were stranded on Gilligan's Island, it would have been hard to miss all the hoopla surrounding Steve Job's introduction of the iPhone which was announced at the MacWorld Exposition earlier this month, completely swamping the news out of the much larger Consumer Electronics Show (CES) held in the same week.
The iPhone, as released, is a thing of beauty, almost one could say, a work of art in form and function, sure to be the winner of any number of design awards and has literally changed the face of cell phone history.
But recently leaked was a photo of the iPhone prototype which was not so pretty or ergonomically friendly, as you can see by the photo above right. Look to a previous post to see the real iPhone at work or check it out at Apple's iPhone Page.
Take a good look at it.
Not exactly a click wheel, but the old phone rotary dial that at least is familiar to all above the age of....30? Perhaps it was an attempt to bring those over 60 into the cell market. An appeal to the nostalgia set? Or just a protective box for a regular iPhone...
Well, the truth of it is, the source of the leak was Steve Jobs himself in his presentation/announcement of the iPhone. He actually showed this picture just before showing the real iPhone and got peals of laughter.
After those in the audience had waited so long, and had been nearly breathless in anticipation to see what the new phone looked like, and with tension in the room at fever pitch, now that they new that they were going to see what they had been waiting for nigh on two and a half or more years, to see this on the screen brought on huge laughs.
Including from me.
The Macworld Expo presentation is available as a streaming video from the Apple website or as a podcast from the iTunes store, viewable with a free iTunes download for PC or Mac. If you are the least bit curious about this phenomenon, it is well worth the watching, especially the crowd's reaction.
For those who say, what's the big deal, so it plays songs, big deal. One of the biggest hidden features is that the phone has a full operating system, Mac OSX, so the potential for future applications for the phone, for future expandability, is if not unlimited, at least quite rosy.
Hope you enjoyed this. I'd love your comments on this prototype.
I've been a fan of CBS's the Late Show's Craig Ferguson ever since he replaced Craig Kilbourn.
This prancing, swaggering Scotsman, world weary, slightly embittered, and outrageous has a cutting and hysterically funny and naughty sense of humor appropriate for late night television, and makes no apologies for his views of the world which are often seen through slightly exaggerated, but dead on glasses. Sometimes he is so naughty that his material is not suitable for replay here.
When Craig Ferguson sees something gone wrong he can be particularly funny, as in this clip that I just found, in which he relates his comments about the impact of Apple's release of the iPhone on Microsoft, and some biting to the bone comments about the Zune player.
The effort that went into the making of this funny and creative video alone should awe the average person. Creative, funny, and just about makes you want to get one.
The sound track is funny, yet easy on the ears too.
YOU HAVE WON FREE SUPER BOWL XLI CHICAGO BEARS VS INDIANAPOLIS COLTS TICKETS! NO JOKE! JUST CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR TICKETS!
Darn right it's no joke! Can you complete a three-tiered program and all elements thereto and really expect to have Superbowl Tickets in hand by game time?
No way!
But the very idea of it makes me have to click on that email link just in case it might somehow be true that someone would be giving away free Bears Super Bowl tickets, say 2nd row, 50-yard line, to a person just like me.
I'm just one of the millions the next few weeks who will be opening bottles, food packages, and other products all on the chance that we might, just might win those free tickets.
Its a kind of illness isn't it. Because even when those tickets are really out there, in a legitimate promotion, our odds are - eh - not so good.
I think I heard on the WMAQ-5, NBC news last night that Super Bowl tickets were only about $800 last night at one of the major ticket brokers, but that prices are likely to go up soon. One guy bartered time on his sailboat for post-season tickets via Craig's list.
I know - here's an offer, anyone who can get me a ticket to this year's Superbowl, I'll publish 10 of their own posts. Posts must be safe for families and work, be consistent with the blogger TOS, and may not advertise adult services. Editorial control remains with me, but an attempt will be made to give you the fullest amount of discretion possible!
Such a deal!
In the mean time, if you do find a source of free Super Bowl tickets, please let me know once you've scored your own of course.
Hey, a fan can dream, can't he? Thanks for reading my blog!
P.S. As I reread this post I realized that this post could be misused, but I do not want to change the title. Please, don't spam by forwarding this email to lots of others just because of the title. That would be cruel. Please only forward posts you really like!
Thanks!
Thank you for visiting this blog!
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CHICAGO BEARS WIN NFC CHAMPIONSHIP! DA BEARS ARE GOING TO DA SUPER BOWL!
Before I get to the humor, I would not be a true Chicagoan if I did not mention the Bears crushing defeat of New Orleans yesterday at Soldier Field. Sorry Little Sisters of the Poor, I am sure God heard your prayers and was sympathetic, this was just not the year for the Saints.
Perhaps next year is the year for you. However, given the team, the Saints did quite well, but they really did not have a great chance in Chicago last night, especially once Bears weather rolled in.
Da Chicago Bears put it all together. The crowd was like an elemental force of nature. For this game at least, and I believe, hope, dream for this season, that these Bears are Super Bowl Championship material and will go all the way to smash their way to victory next week in Miami.
And that is no joke. These are however!
These jokes are in honor of a friend of mine, J., who got his Ph.D. in Mathematics at the University of Chicago. He was into topology and was so devoted that he would only drive a Ford Torus: the salesman said it was a very easy car for him to get him into, and it turned out to be true, getting out was easy too, despite having no doors.
My friend was such a great mathematician that he never had trouble with the car's differential and he found that its turning radius made finding and snaring parking spots in Chicago's Hyde Park Neighborhood, as easy as Pi!
The following jokes don't come from my friend, well, most of them don't, he told me some of them when we used to see each other in the day, but other than the twisted puns I wrote above, most of these I've have gotten in email from friend/relatives. The jokes vary in math knowledge needed, really, only this first one needs any real thought...
There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think in binary and those who can't...
A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a Catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place meant business!"
One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"
Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."
Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!
Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job?
A: "Paper or plastic?"
"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came in during my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.
The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.
The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are traveling together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working.
The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help."
The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the hood, slam it shut, and see if everything works again when after you try to re-start the engine?"
At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"
"Why?" the students ask.
"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."
"And what happened?!"
"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."
Q: How many University of Chicago Math Ph.D.'s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one but it takes one 6.985834284385834938434234 years to do it. One the bright side, he/she always has a good chance of getting a Nobel Prize for his/her trouble.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
I had a few others in the slush pile, but until I can get the rest of the team to cosine off on them, I will have to save them for another post. Some people, its like you are talking to a logarithm! The truth is, I try not to publish jokes that I don't understand, even if they are imaginary!
DABears!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary Thank you for visiting this blog! This edition of the Peter Files Blog was handcrafted by nano-technicians, working at the speed of light, 100,000 of which can be sustained indefinitely by a single Lucky CharmTm.
If you liked this post just click on the little envelope icon to pass it on to a friend!
I'm writing this during half-time in the Chicago Bears - New Orleans Saints NFC Championship Football game at Soldier Field (UFO) in Chicago. Go Bears!
I noticed that my Father and Sons post got a great joke from reader Chuck who maintains several blogs, and so as threatened, when you send in a good reasonably clean, funny joke, I print it, so here goes:
Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
- "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:
- "Not bad..."
Then the voice says:
- "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:
- "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered:
- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
As if that has never happened to you!
Ahem, it hasn't? Oh, er, time to move on.
Thanks, Chuck for your comment, when time allows I will alter my template to add you to my contributor's blogs list!
Unconfirmed White House souses report that President George W. Bush has a hot new plan for winning the "War on Global Warming".
Finally convinced that there might be something to this "Global Warming Stuff" after his favorite fishing crick dried up, Bush met with his top advisors to draw up an out of the box solution for dealing with this crisis, but their efforts were somewhat limited by the fact that "Navy Blue", "Atomic Tangerine" and "Laser Lemon" were missing from the Presidential Military Planning Kit which gives the President an edge when attempting asserting to the dynamic pressures of his office.
The Bush program to save the earth from global warming appears to be to call out 20,000 more U.S. troops who will rocket to the sun to protect Earth from global warming via heat-keeping mission to stop the flow of illegal immigrant sun rays to the Earth.
"Someone has to work on stopping the flow of illegal immigrants, why shouldn't that include the suns rays as well?"
When in house skeptics questioned details of the plan, Bush assured them that everything had been taken care of, it is said.
Reportedly, President Bush said, "
Operation Sunscreen" will not only be a technical triumph, allowing America to be number 1 in saving the Earth from Global Warming, but it will allow us to be the first to land human beings on the sun! Hot dog!"
When asked what portion of the 20,000 troops were tasked for the "sun landing" despairing staff were horrified to learn, it is said,
"All of them, of course, I'm a Texan and we don't do anything half-way".
When asked how the troops planned to reduce the effects of global warming:
"Sheeesh, we've got that covered, and I mean that literally, we are bringing a giant computerized American Flag that will float in space between earth and the sun. If we want more rays, we open up these little holes by computer and it lets through lots more light. If its getting too hot we close them up some. In the mean time, while it's showing the flag now, it can show other messages too, like, eh, 'Jeb for President!, snort, snort, snort. And I'll tell you this, there are not too many remote controls for the messages on this thing!"
Indications of multiple launchings this week across the globe suggest that someone is headed to space. 20,000 seems an absurd number, as does landing on the sun itself. But something may be going on and these reports, if true, suggest very hazardous
That's it for this report from The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, SATIRE, Jokes, Humor and Parody.
*As always, resemblances to persons, Presidents, places or things in this report is purely coincidental and is an artifact of satire and parody used in this post. One idea in this post was inspired while watching the letters portion of Late Night with David Letterman Last Night, though I was so sleepy can't tell you which part. Letterman has always been the funniest in Late Night Television going back to the days of Velcro suits and Toast on a Stick.
Sometimes in life as a parent you have to take responsibility for your actions. Not only what you tell your children to do, but what you show your children that its acceptable to do, by doing yourself.
You think you have plenty of time. Believe me you don't. By age 2 and 3 your little toddler is watching your every move. Don't wait until your child is a teenager to make the shocking discovery that this father did in this teen's room.
An important message for anyone who considers parenthood. Use the envelope to pass this link on to a friend.
Thank you for taking the time to view this message.
LUCKY MESSAGE WINNER!!!
If you send the link to this page to 25 people before the end of today, something amazing will happen to you. If you do not, a relative will have to move in with you for financial reasons and will have to stay with you for one month for every day that you delay.
Gullibility Notice
If you fell for the Lucky message winner notice above and feel the least bit strange about not sending the link to my blog on, well, by all means do so. But please do so in the knowledge that the statement about relatives moving in was completely made up and if one of your children or elderly relatives do move in in the near future and you have not passed this message on, than it is at worst bad luck or bad karma and has nothing to do with this message.
However, if you are still feeling bad you can join the Secret Order of the Yale Braille Society - None of Which Were Ever Visually Impaired While Sober and could only be nominated by a select Panel from the Secret Scull and Bones Society (rumored). It is also rumored that W was the member of Skull and Bones that provided the impetus for this "Super Duper Secret Service Society and that he often had to work long hours on secret projects, often corresponding to party nights..."
Now you have an opportunity to admit an application to join this secret society by submitting an application to YouTube.com with the title Skull Braille App.Mov, MPEG, MP4G whatever they will accept!
To train for the first initiation test, stand in the middle of a room and tie some fabric around your eyes so that you can't see. Note: It should be obvious that visually impaired persons may skip blindfolds. But I have known of worse idiocies inflicted on those with different sensory skills.
Then turning slowly in a circle with both hands moving from stretched out back to the nose with your pointer fingers extended, say the secret phrase of initiation over and over, slowly at first then gaining in speed, until you are saying it as fast as possible. While doing this, you should be attempting to touch your nose with your pointer fingers while rotating around in a circle.
Successful candidates have a moment of mind expansion and self-insight that comes to one only briefly in life. For this reason, the meditative ritual is worth doing in and of itself. However, in these days of technology, it is now possible to join the SDSSS without attending Yale University or completing this ceremony in person!
To do so, you must arrange to conduct the ceremony on videotape, which you will submit to YouTube.com with the caption Secret Society initiation. This will allow Skull and Bones members to contact you and notify you if you have been selected to go through additional initiation steps.
Several things are VITAL!
1) You do your utmost to do the ceremony with respect. If you can, create and environment suitable for this sort of affair with candles, perhaps a cape for you, a table in the background, whatever you can do. You are not expected to spend money on this, sincerity is what counts.
2) Make sure the videotape of you conducting the self-initiation is clear and that you can be clearly heard. Shoot it in digital video if you can. While these things should be super duper secret, if you do not have a tripod or good surface for the camera, you may wish to have a friend hold the camera.
3) More than one person may initiate themselves at the same time. However, in that case, they should each wear a paper plate or a large sign with a number on it and they should introduce themselves with a name and a number and say why they wish to join. For example what qualities they have like other members such as W and Dan Quayle. Each candidate MUST indicate the source of their initiation instructions to validate their application, in this case, each candidate must say "I was nominated by the Peter Files Blog of Comedy, The Peter Files at Blogspot dot com." Alternately the PeterFiles.Blogspot.com web address could be placed prominently in a banner so that the society knows the source, or, on a cute girl's shirt in a long enough shot for the address to be read. I have it on good authority that the pledge committee gives extra credit to film applications with babes in them.
4) Then all to be initiated gather in a large group, putting their arms out and spinning once to make sure that there is enough room between people so that they do not bump into each other.
5) Then all should blindfold themselves. Again, for the moment of enlightenment to come, just like in an immersion tank, it is important that candidates feel safe moving in the room, so all sharp or wet objects should be removed from their way.
6) With the tape rolling! The lens cap off! Each candidate shall begin the initiation mantra slowly. The camera person may keep time with a small drum, a triangle, or some other percussive instrument if needed.
7) It is imperative that the mantra not be over-rehearsed. If candidates get too used to it, it will become to commonplace a mantra for bringing a special and useful enlightenment on this day. If a group is doing this together, perhaps only one should know it and start the group together. It is short and simple.
8) While repeating the mantra, you may spin faster and faster as you say the mantra faster and faster. If you feel dizzy and there is someone to hold onto and spin with, then by all means do so, but do not allow yourself to become sick. Bummer. If you have to sit. Keep repeating the mantra faster and faster keeping your mind free and open until enlightenment comes.
9) Unlike many forms of meditation, amazingly, group enlightenment is far more frequent than you might expect. Causing amazing shouts and outbursts at the experience. I invite you to share the power of these experiences on the comments sections of this blog. Please try not to reveal too much however.
10) The mantra is simple. Like many great mantras you should use it to free your mind of ideas so that you can open your mind to your inner self and listen to what messages are coming within you. Do not expect it to make sense. Just remember, slowly with slow breathing at first, gradually picking up the pace and spinning as you go.
The mantra should be repeated over and over as you do your hand excercise blindfolded and spin: "ohwah tahgooh ziam, ohwah tahgooh ziam, ohwah tahgooh ziam"
There is a small chance that enlightenment may come on the first attempt. In that case try for a night very soon after, possibly one where people are tired. Then repeat.
I hope this will make up for my silly attempt earlier to bamboozle you!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary All Material in the Peter Files Blog of Comedy Should be Considered Fictional, Satirical or Parody unless otherwise stated as factual, and even then it could be a joke... Thank you for visiting this blog! Wake the neighbors, tell your mother-in-law, there's treasure in this here blog! Well, at least some great laughs
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The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Plip!! Plop!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
If you haven't heard about Steve Job's announcement of the iPhone at the MacWorld Conference and Expo this week you've been totally unplugged from the media. Good for you!
But more than likely you have.
Typical reactions:
Holy Cow - I need that NOW! What do you mean it's not approved yet and won't come out until sometime this summer?
Oh wow, that looks so cool.
Too expensive for me - wonder if I can get one for free?
When I was a boy we had icepicks and used to get them stuck in our limbs as we tried to break up the ice in the pond out back just so we had drinking water during the winter - it hurt like heck - And that's the way WE LIKED IT!
I'll never figure out something like that, I don't even have a cellphone now.
Wonder what what I can get for my new Zune? Do I still have that gift receipt?
What's all this fuss about eye bones, my eyes don't have any bones in them? Are people getting stupider these days? Eye balls, now that I understand. Those are round and soft and attached by this stringy stuff that looks a little like pasta if the eye ball comes out of the socket and goes bouncy bouncy bouncy until you put the eye ball back in the socket. But eye bones?
The truth is, the iPhone is very cool and will probably force all the cell phone companies to do a lot of fast technology shifting and soon. ____________________________________________________
Thanks Emily (Gilda) wherever you are.
After reading a number of the reviews and tech articles, I think two things.
First, I think that they are right that the iPhone cannot possibly take over a massive share of the cell phone market in the same way that the iPod has.
Second, I think that many analysts, even those at Apple are underestimating the iPhones appeal however. The iPhone has too many major advantages over its competitors that have been too easily dismissed. Here's why.
The iPhone comes with an operating system that is accessible to the user and can take data, software upgrades, and new software installation from the user. This means that unlike your current cell phone the iPhone is continually expandable in terms of what it can do and the software that third party makers can make for it.
This is more than the best iPod ever. This is the smallest portable Mac ever. With a lot more memory and features than the first Macintosh, lest we forget.
The iPhone has a large number of hard-core Mac and iPod users who will be drawn to it as soon as they can afford it.
Is there any doubt that Cingular will eventually press its advantage by doing a few sales? Also, as with the iPod, we all know that prices will fall and storage/memory will increase.
Even with a high initial sticker price, this has a cool factor that is hard to believe. How many high school Christmas wish lists will this be on? For sure! Too expensive? Given that this is a cell phone, how much more expensive is it than this year's hot game systems were? Oh yeah, its wireless. Wonder if it can interface with Apple TV and work as a game controller? Are you listening Steve?
Given that hundreds of millions of cell phones are currently in use in the U.S., the 8 million units sold estimate by Apple for 2008 figure might be just a bit on the small side. We'll see. I know this, Jobs & Company have certainly laid the gauntlet down - Huzzah!
P.S. For those earlier in the year forecasting gloom for the iTunes store sales this year, Apple has announced reaching the Two Billion Song Sales Mark. Not too shabby, eh, Forrester?
Feel free to comment, that's why we're here!
Of course with all this attention, can a little fun-poking be far behind?
Here's an "iPhone commercial" by Conan and the gang supplied to YouTube by NBC! Remember, you can search for YouTube videos using the blue search box above.
That's right, today is an important day for The Peter Files Blog for today we cross over the 30,000 pages read mark - could that 30,000th page have been read by you?
If so, leave us a comment to cement you place in history!
If you are a regular visitor, today is the day to leave a post to wish us a happy 30,000th!
We try to collect individuals rather than pages viewed so we hope we are close in our figures.
And if we are a little off - we are still close to our two year anniversary this February!
As you may know, I periodically mention that we at The Peter Files Blog are not too proud to print reader submissions. Just click on the comment box, paste it in, and if I find it funny and SFW and Families I will do a post on it eventually and be happy to give you credit. Do enough of these and I may add you to The Peter Files Blog Editorial Team with your ability to write and contribute posts of your own on this blog.
Here are a few of the best. As always, should you or your team's joke be caught or captured as a reprint of someone else's published copyrighted material the secretary will be quick to disavow this information and withdraw it at the copyright holder's request.
Thanks to My friend Anne M. from college days for these:
Customer Support?
This is alleged to be the actual transcript of a call between a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee and a software support client (now I know why they record these conversations). The Help Desk employee was allegedly fired but was also allegedly suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Peter's note: The fact that this story refers to WordPerfect, rather than Word suggest that this story is a no spring circuit board, if you no what I mean. Shame, I rather liked WordPerfect. Does anyone out there still use WordPerfect?
"Rich Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.....Ah.....Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too .... stupid to own a computer."
Since this is a family oriented blog I have omitted a word in the sentence above. I have even omitted the initial letter which would give a good clue as to what the word is. If you need a word, I suggest "darn", though the actual word in the original was an old anglo-saxon word and quite a bit ftronger as they used to spell it middle ages ago.
The First Jewish President
Let's face it. Most humor depends on stereotypes to work. So does this one, but in a kind way, and a warm funny way, so I am including it. Would my own mother have done this, God rest her soul?
The year is 2012 and the United States has recently elected a Jewish woman, Susan Goldfarb, to be the first woman, and Jewish, President of the United States.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says,"So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"
"Oh Mom,"replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees, and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her.
"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."
Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."
No, my own mother would not have done this. My brother is not a doctor.
Actually, she was so relieved that I had and kept a job that she would never have compared me to my siblings in that way for fear it would get back to my bosses and blow a good thing. No, that's not really true. She was equally proud of all of us.
That was just one thing that made her a great mom.
One thing I'll bet the thing the joke left out is that the Senator sitting next to President Goldfarb's mother was a single woman Senator who had been seated there at the President-elect's direction just so Mama Goldfarb could say those magic words, making her whole trip worthwhile. After all, a good daughter knows how to make her mother happy, nu?
I got the word "nu" from Guys & Dolls where I played Big Julie, the Gangster from East Cicero, "Illinoissss"*. So I hope I used it correctly. If not I apologize. If I did I apologize too. Young Irish boys should not be attempting Yiddish phrases without training. And who said I was young? *The proper pronunciation of Illinois is of course Ill-ih-noy, just as the correct pronunciation of Chicago is Chih-caw-go and NOT chih-cah-ga. Oh, the street on the near north side named after the opera composer Goethe is pronounced Ger-ta, NOT go-thee. Just in case you live around there and have doubts. When a street is named after someone, you use the pronunciation of their name, not tradition that has mangled it.
Viva Las Vegas!
Since I have taken the chance of offending one religious group, I might as well take a chance on offending another. I remember fondly (the true part of this section) Fr. W. who used to take our homeroom mission contributions with him when he visited his mother in Las Vegas each Christmas and Easter break. The question was not whether he would win, but whether he would double, triple or quadruple our contribution to the missions each year. And this without going to his mother's tables! This was of course an incentive for us to give more each fall and spring. For this reason, our homeroom nearly always took first place in the mission drive each year.
This story is from Anne, and I have seen it myself many times before, but even not having checked it out, it has a certain ring of truth, despite casino chips being made of plastic.
I hear, and this may come as a surprise to those who do not live in Las Vegas, that there are far more Catholic Churches than casinos.
It may be less of a surprise that some churchgoers, perhaps fresh from a casino win, put casino chips into the basket instead of cash or a check - ditto the poor box and votive candle offerings. After all, it is a convenient way to donate, is often on hand, and is perhaps a way to assuage the guilt of gambling and donate more without as much pain as one might have writing a check. After all, once a chip has been bought the money has already been spent right?
Since these Catholic churches get chips from many different casinos, the story goes, that the churches have devised a method to sort out the offerings from all of the different parishes of the region. Each parish sends its monthly gathering of chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin, cashed in and the proceeds returned to the parishes in question with time and effort saved by all.
Of course, the Franciscans get a very small fee for this service, but because of this, the Las Vegas Franciscans are know as The Chip Monks.
Not So Deep Thoughts
Like the WordPerfect Joke, this one is getting dated too. It is likely that local residents today would mostly have plastic casino club cards entitling them to perks as they gambled. But, many of those visiting churches today might also be from out of town and might use old style chips. Whether Miller Genuine Draft chips are available I cannot say.
Blogger was down for awhile today or there might have been another post today. Perhaps there still will be.
These are the questions that come from a box of 96 color Crayola tm Crayons. The one with the crayon sharpener in the back that we all yearned for as children, and if we were lucky enough to get it, either went through it very quickly or had multiple crayons broken by our siblings.
This photo, taken by me, is the end result of the process of crayon sorting with a 4-year old after a coloring session. The colors do not come in this order, but were interlaced in a pattern after being sorted by us.
If this kind of think is your box of wax, perhaps you would enjoy this link from the PBSKids.org Website and its Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood Website: the Picture Picture Tour of a Crayon Factory to be found within Mr. Rogers' house. Don't worry, you can still find the land of make believe too. For those not familiar with the show I am referring neither to Hollywood nor Washington here.
Home of the Best Doctor Who Podcast in Time and Space
