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Monday, January 22, 2007



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Before I get to the humor, I would not be a true Chicagoan if I did not mention the Bears crushing defeat of New Orleans yesterday at Soldier Field. Sorry Little Sisters of the Poor, I am sure God heard your prayers and was sympathetic, this was just not the year for the Saints.

Perhaps next year is the year for you. However, given the team, the Saints did quite well, but they really did not have a great chance in Chicago last night, especially once Bears weather rolled in.

Da Chicago Bears put it all together. The crowd was like an elemental force of nature. For this game at least, and I believe, hope, dream for this season, that these Bears are Super Bowl Championship material and will go all the way to smash their way to victory next week in Miami.

And that is no joke. These are however!

These jokes are in honor of a friend of mine, J., who got his Ph.D. in Mathematics at the University of Chicago. He was into topology and was so devoted that he would only drive a Ford Torus: the salesman said it was a very easy car for him to get him into, and it turned out to be true, getting out was easy too, despite having no doors.

My friend was such a great mathematician that he never had trouble with the car's differential and he found that its turning radius made finding and snaring parking spots in Chicago's Hyde Park Neighborhood, as easy as Pi!

The following jokes don't come from my friend, well, most of them don't, he told me some of them when we used to see each other in the day, but other than the twisted puns I wrote above, most of these I've have gotten in email from friend/relatives. The jokes vary in math knowledge needed, really, only this first one needs any real thought...

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think in binary and those who can't...

A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.

"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.

"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a Catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.

The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"

"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place meant business!"

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."

A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"

Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."

Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?

A: Prime Rib!

Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job?

A: "Paper or plastic?"

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came in during my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are traveling together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working.

The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help."

The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it."

The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the hood, slam it shut, and see if everything works again when after you try to re-start the engine?"

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"

"Why?" the students ask.

"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."

"And what happened?!"

"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."

Q: How many University of Chicago Math Ph.D.'s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one but it takes one 6.985834284385834938434234 years to do it. One the bright side, he/she always has a good chance of getting a Nobel Prize for his/her trouble.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi!

I had a few others in the slush pile, but until I can get the rest of the team to cosine off on them, I will have to save them for another post. Some people, its like you are talking to a logarithm! The truth is, I try not to publish jokes that I don't understand, even if they are imaginary!

DA Bears!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker

The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

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Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

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