Here are a few of the best. As always, should you or your team's joke be caught or captured as a reprint of someone else's published copyrighted material the secretary will be quick to disavow this information and withdraw it at the copyright holder's request.
Thanks to My friend Anne M. from college days for these:
This is alleged to be the actual transcript of a call between a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee and a software support client (now I know why they record these conversations). The Help Desk employee was allegedly fired but was also allegedly suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Peter's note: The fact that this story refers to WordPerfect, rather than Word suggest that this story is a no spring circuit board, if you no what I mean. Shame, I rather liked WordPerfect. Does anyone out there still use WordPerfect?
"Rich Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle,
it's because it's dark."
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.....Ah.....Okay, we've
got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back
to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
"Tell them you're too .... stupid to own a
Since this is a family oriented blog I have omitted a word in the sentence above. I have even omitted the initial letter which would give a good clue as to what the word is. If you need a word, I suggest "darn", though the actual word in the original was an old anglo-saxon word and quite a bit ftronger as they used to spell it middle ages ago.
The First Jewish President
Let's face it. Most humor depends on stereotypes to work. So does this one, but in a kind way, and a warm funny way, so I am including it. Would my own mother have done this, God rest her soul?
The year is 2012 and the United States has recently elected a Jewish woman, Susan Goldfarb, to be the first woman, and Jewish, President of the United States.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says,"So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"
"Oh Mom,"replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees, and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her.
"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."
Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."
No, my own mother would not have done this. My brother is not a doctor.
Actually, she was so relieved that I had and kept a job that she would never have compared me to my siblings in that way for fear it would get back to my bosses and blow a good thing. No, that's not really true. She was equally proud of all of us.
That was just one thing that made her a great mom.
One thing I'll bet the thing the joke left out is that the Senator sitting next to President Goldfarb's mother was a single woman Senator who had been seated there at the President-elect's direction just so Mama Goldfarb could say those magic words, making her whole trip worthwhile. After all, a good daughter knows how to make her mother happy, nu?
I got the word "nu" from Guys & Dolls where I played Big Julie, the Gangster from East Cicero, "Illinoissss"*. So I hope I used it correctly. If not I apologize. If I did I apologize too. Young Irish boys should not be attempting Yiddish phrases without training. And who said I was young? *The proper pronunciation of Illinois is of course Ill-ih-noy, just as the correct pronunciation of Chicago is Chih-caw-go and NOT chih-cah-ga. Oh, the street on the near north side named after the opera composer Goethe is pronounced Ger-ta, NOT go-thee. Just in case you live around there and have doubts. When a street is named after someone, you use the pronunciation of their name, not tradition that has mangled it.
Viva Las Vegas!
Since I have taken the chance of offending one religious group, I might as well take a chance on offending another. I remember fondly (the true part of this section) Fr. W. who used to take our homeroom mission contributions with him when he visited his mother in Las Vegas each Christmas and Easter break. The question was not whether he would win, but whether he would double, triple or quadruple our contribution to the missions each year. And this without going to his mother's tables! This was of course an incentive for us to give more each fall and spring. For this reason, our homeroom nearly always took first place in the mission drive each year.
This story is from Anne, and I have seen it myself many times before, but even not having checked it out, it has a certain ring of truth, despite casino chips being made of plastic.
I hear, and this may come as a surprise to those who do not live in Las Vegas, that there are far more Catholic Churches than casinos.
It may be less of a surprise that some churchgoers, perhaps fresh from a casino win, put casino chips into the basket instead of cash or a check - ditto the poor box and votive candle offerings. After all, it is a convenient way to donate, is often on hand, and is perhaps a way to assuage the guilt of gambling and donate more without as much pain as one might have writing a check. After all, once a chip has been bought the money has already been spent right?
Since these Catholic churches get chips from many different casinos, the story goes, that the churches have devised a method to sort out the offerings from all of the different parishes of the region. Each parish sends its monthly gathering of chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin, cashed in and the proceeds returned to the parishes in question with time and effort saved by all.
Of course, the Franciscans get a very small fee for this service, but because of this, the Las Vegas Franciscans are know as The Chip Monks.
Not So Deep Thoughts
Like the WordPerfect Joke, this one is getting dated too. It is likely that local residents today would mostly have plastic casino club cards entitling them to perks as they gambled. But, many of those visiting churches today might also be from out of town and might use old style chips. Whether Miller Genuine Draft chips are available I cannot say.
Blogger was down for awhile today or there might have been another post today. Perhaps there still will be.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
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