You think you have plenty of time. Believe me you don't. By age 2 and 3 your little toddler is watching your every move. Don't wait until your child is a teenager to make the shocking discovery that this father did in this teen's room.
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However, if you are still feeling bad you can join the Secret Order of the Yale Braille Society - None of Which Were Ever Visually Impaired While Sober and could only be nominated by a select Panel from the Secret Scull and Bones Society (rumored). It is also rumored that W was the member of Skull and Bones that provided the impetus for this "Super Duper Secret Service Society and that he often had to work long hours on secret projects, often corresponding to party nights..."
Now you have an opportunity to admit an application to join this secret society by submitting an application to YouTube.com with the title Skull Braille App.Mov, MPEG, MP4G whatever they will accept!
To train for the first initiation test, stand in the middle of a room and tie some fabric around your eyes so that you can't see. Note: It should be obvious that visually impaired persons may skip blindfolds. But I have known of worse idiocies inflicted on those with different sensory skills.
Then turning slowly in a circle with both hands moving from stretched out back to the nose with your pointer fingers extended, say the secret phrase of initiation over and over, slowly at first then gaining in speed, until you are saying it as fast as possible. While doing this, you should be attempting to touch your nose with your pointer fingers while rotating around in a circle.
Successful candidates have a moment of mind expansion and self-insight that comes to one only briefly in life. For this reason, the meditative ritual is worth doing in and of itself. However, in these days of technology, it is now possible to join the SDSSS without attending Yale University or completing this ceremony in person!
To do so, you must arrange to conduct the ceremony on videotape, which you will submit to YouTube.com with the caption Secret Society initiation. This will allow Skull and Bones members to contact you and notify you if you have been selected to go through additional initiation steps.
Several things are VITAL!
1) You do your utmost to do the ceremony with respect. If you can, create and environment suitable for this sort of affair with candles, perhaps a cape for you, a table in the background, whatever you can do. You are not expected to spend money on this, sincerity is what counts.
2) Make sure the videotape of you conducting the self-initiation is clear and that you can be clearly heard. Shoot it in digital video if you can. While these things should be super duper secret, if you do not have a tripod or good surface for the camera, you may wish to have a friend hold the camera.
3) More than one person may initiate themselves at the same time. However, in that case, they should each wear a paper plate or a large sign with a number on it and they should introduce themselves with a name and a number and say why they wish to join. For example what qualities they have like other members such as W and Dan Quayle. Each candidate MUST indicate the source of their initiation instructions to validate their application, in this case, each candidate must say "I was nominated by the Peter Files Blog of Comedy, The Peter Files at Blogspot dot com." Alternately the PeterFiles.Blogspot.com web address could be placed prominently in a banner so that the society knows the source, or, on a cute girl's shirt in a long enough shot for the address to be read. I have it on good authority that the pledge committee gives extra credit to film applications with babes in them.
4) Then all to be initiated gather in a large group, putting their arms out and spinning once to make sure that there is enough room between people so that they do not bump into each other.
5) Then all should blindfold themselves. Again, for the moment of enlightenment to come, just like in an immersion tank, it is important that candidates feel safe moving in the room, so all sharp or wet objects should be removed from their way.
6) With the tape rolling! The lens cap off! Each candidate shall begin the initiation mantra slowly. The camera person may keep time with a small drum, a triangle, or some other percussive instrument if needed.
7) It is imperative that the mantra not be over-rehearsed. If candidates get too used to it, it will become to commonplace a mantra for bringing a special and useful enlightenment on this day. If a group is doing this together, perhaps only one should know it and start the group together. It is short and simple.
8) While repeating the mantra, you may spin faster and faster as you say the mantra faster and faster. If you feel dizzy and there is someone to hold onto and spin with, then by all means do so, but do not allow yourself to become sick. Bummer. If you have to sit. Keep repeating the mantra faster and faster keeping your mind free and open until enlightenment comes.
9) Unlike many forms of meditation, amazingly, group enlightenment is far more frequent than you might expect. Causing amazing shouts and outbursts at the experience. I invite you to share the power of these experiences on the comments sections of this blog. Please try not to reveal too much however.
10) The mantra is simple. Like many great mantras you should use it to free your mind of ideas so that you can open your mind to your inner self and listen to what messages are coming within you. Do not expect it to make sense. Just remember, slowly with slow breathing at first, gradually picking up the pace and spinning as you go.
The mantra should be repeated over and over as you do your hand excercise blindfolded and spin: "ohwah tahgooh ziam, ohwah tahgooh ziam, ohwah tahgooh ziam"
There is a small chance that enlightenment may come on the first attempt. In that case try for a night very soon after, possibly one where people are tired. Then repeat.
I hope this will make up for my silly attempt earlier to bamboozle you!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
All Material in the Peter Files Blog of Comedy Should be Considered Fictional, Satirical or Parody unless otherwise stated as factual, and even then it could be a joke...
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