For those of you who have been coming back of the month of August hoping to see some kind of change for the last month and finding none, my apologies. I hope you took a chance and visited out archives and found some of the treasures buried in the 600 or so posts there.
Since this is mostly a comedy blog I won't go into the details, but I could skip living through this last few months again. Deaths in the family, personal crises, illness, pain, all this kinds of things, you are not coming here for. But, things are looking up and so, I think you should be able to see a return to regular postings here.
Regular? Two to three times a week, usually in spurts.
I discovered that the RSS feed isn't working right, I have to figure out how to fix that. If yours IS working right, leave a comment and let me know. I did manage to get the comment interface working better and some other features cleaned up.
If you have a child, hug them, watch them closely if they are near the water. A young relative drowned this summer. I have a young child. The stuff of nightmares. It's been almost a month now and he effect of the support of our community on the parents has been profound as all those who feel "there but for the grace of God go I" in this situation have extended their hearts and love to them.
I know that those in our house have, and if you pray, I invite you to do so for them and any of those who have lost dear ones of any age for any reason this summer.
I also lost another friend, who was my one of my best friend's uncles. A finer kinder person you would be hard pressed to find no matter how bright a light you had to shine on the world to fine one. Wise, funny, and neat to the point of a methodological that might have driven even Felix Unger mad were it not for the kindness and gentleness in which he practiced it (he did not expect others to be able to practice what he preached, he merely enabled them gently, when they visited him).
George was an enabler of the highest and best sort. An educator, a scientist, a friend, and 'weather' he enabled the world to understand his field of science to advance in unique and powerful ways, or his colleagues and students to grow and flourish as a result of knowing him, or the world to retain works of beautiful music that might otherwise have been lost, George enabled so many to a better life in many ways.
I got to know him first when my friend, his nephew became quite seriously ill, the kind of thing that only a small percentage survived, even in the early 1980's. That my friend survived was due to his courage in being willing to participate in experimental treatment, some luck in being in the right experimental group, some gumption on his own, and the knowledge of the deep and constant support of his 'Unc' who was there for him in ways that no one else could be, not even myself - poor as a church mouse as I was at the time I could not afford to fly to Seattle to be with my friend through the bone marrow transplant and other procedures, I was only able to talk to him by phone and letter. Not good enough. But Unc was a conduit of information to me.
I was terrified that I was going to lose my best friend at the time, in fact, I was in a play called Da, by Hugh Leonard, in which the main character is diagnosed with cancer and has to deal with the approach of his death at that very time. Since it was one of the few paying gigs I had gotten I couldn't help accepting, and it was worth it too, one of the best performances I ever gave. I played the older Kearns who learns some things about himself that he wished he had not by the end of the show and goes through a complex and complete emotional breakdown on stage. A subtle bit of work that shouldn't be forced; in the end, my fears about my friend came out every night on stage.
The audiences thought I was inspired. I knew the truth. I was petrified that my best friend would die in the middle of the production and that I would be unable to continue and would never work professionally again. Through all of that time, the wires between "Unc's" house and mine, and his hotel in Seattle and mine, ran hot and heavy. He gave me updates, I gave him humor pointers for cheering up my friend. It was a conspiracy of kindness to make sure he had the kind of support he needed to survive other storms brewing around him via the females of the species.
Over the years after that, Unc became Grunc as my friend's uncle became a grand Uncle. And I got to know him and his fastidious ways better. Having dinner with him was a real treat. First of all, he was a wonderful cook. Tasty and low fat. But then, watching him clean his kitchen was like watching a man in love with it. He looked very much like Jeff Smith, once known as PBS's the Frugal Gourmet, and took great care to clean his kitchen counters fastidiously. Just....so.
Every crumb came up off the tables and counters. Every particle of dust off the floor into the dust pan. Every unwanted spec into the garbage can under the sink, and every night, without fail, Grunc would take that paper garbage bag out of its container, raise it to the counter top, fold the edges so that the creases were razor sharp and meticulously fold the top down so that there was no possibility that any part of the contents could seep out. On some occasions, if seepage might become a problem, he might add a plastic bag outside the paper bag and put another paper bag around those two, just so that they appeared neat and strong.
Then, once folded neatly and correctly, Grunc would walk the package down the hall, open the door to the utility closet leading to the garbage chute, and his package would ever so neatly descend to the bottom. If, on rare occasions, Grunc had reason to believe that his 'parcel' did not reach the bottom without 'incident' he would then feel compelled to check, by taking the elevator down to the basement and investigating the matter. More than once he found an incredible mess because the garbage contractor had failed to show up to remove the waiting container that collected the garbage that waited at the bottom of the chute.
Grunc would then call the building super who more often than not was grateful to Grunc since no one else would tell him and he would be stuck cleaning up the mess. Grunc lived in a very old, prestigious building near the Museum of Science and Industry, but it was large enough generate a lot of trash.
Some times Grunc's fastidiousness could be hard on those he loved and he knew it, but he just could not help himself. He just wanted to make things easier for people.
One time my friends sister was visiting town and had a 19 year old nanny that wanted to see some of Chicago. They knew that I had been a tour guide and I got volunteered to her around town based largely on Grunc's, not my friend's character recommendation.
Since we would be returning possibly late, (Very late, O.o) Grunc felt that we needed instruction in how to open the door quietly, and to my chagrin and the whole group's stunned amusement proceeded to give a demonstration on how to put a key into a lock and turn it. LOL
I always suspected that he was planting a subconscious idea in both our heads, but it didn't take, at least on her part (rats). But the image of Grunc, in the hallway, bent over the lock, turning sideways with his funny crooked smile, looking half up as he demonstrated the best way to put the key in the lock and turn it just - so(!) to get it to open quietly, will ever remain in my heart as the quintessential Grunc moment.
I think you will have gathered by now that I came to love this old man who let me into his life as a friend as he did not so many others. Of course it was largely due to the fact that I cared deeply for his nephew, but we were both scientists, my lab was less formal, but we talked about my work a few times and he was greatly surprised when he understood the stringency of my methodology, which for a government operation, might not have been so strict. He read a number of my papers over the years and gave helpful comments, brief, it was not his field, but helpful, mostly in that he recognized in a way that others important to me in my life could not, the meaning of some of my achievements professionally. He truly understood them.
His death came as a surprise as I knew it would. Grunc was a private person. When I knew it was coming near I made sure to send him a note that at lest hinted at my feelings. I wanted to get together with him one last time but I suspected that I had missed my window and when he was hospitalized I was not given an opportunity to visit or call him. As I went through the stages of death I was quite angry about this for at least an hour. But that passed. I know that Grunc did not want me to remember him that way and now I don't.
I compare my healthy memories of Grunc to the memories of a six-year old cousin in her coffin and I know which ones I prefer. Funerals are hard for me. Especially the funerals of children. I guess that's true for everyone. But when you are the parent of a child the same age as the deceased it hits really close to home. More than I wanted to say.
So, back to the comedy in the next post.
Peter, A little saddle-sore - but as the Jesuits say, if it doesn't kill you, it builds character.
1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on when using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in our town has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. If you absolutely MUST know what that odor is, try looking under the radiator covers for last year's easter eggs. Hopefully they will only be one year old. 25. Get you kids in the habit of hiding only plastic easter eggs for their easter egg hunts. The decorated ones make a bad mess. The raw eggs make a bad, disgusting and smelly mess that never goes away if there is the slightest gap in your floorboards. Your only alternative: Move. 26. Now that glass soda bottles seem to be making a return: never, ever, under any circumstances, store unopened glass soda bottles in the car near any of your children's feet. Unless your spouse is a lawyer. 27. A four-year-old child can resort to hiding his favorite toy at the top of a 40-foot tree over a glass strewn alley if pressed. Do not yell at him while he is at the top of the tree. 28. When in *nice* restaurants watch your children like hawks if you see them touch things like salt and pepper shakers, mustard and ketchup bottles. 28. The sound of a 7-year-old girl who has gotten ketchup all over her white easter dress after her brother played with the top does not bear describing. 29. If you hear the sounds "white whale, white whale" coming from your pool or the lake you are staying near, it is already too late, your children's butts have already been exposed to the sun for anyone nearby to see. 30. When changing a child's diaper at a very large public venue, such as a concert at Grant Park in Chicago, it is helpful if your picnic blanket is not at the top of the largest hill in view. That way if your little girl gets away from you sans clothes, the chances that she will run to the top of the hill spinning like Maria Von Trapp for the entire Midwest to admire during the quietest part of Peter and the Wolf, will be substantially reduced. Duct tape helps too. 31. It may take more than one police search of your house to find a child asleep in a clothes basket in a bedroom closet. 32. Even the second time she disappears, and that's the first place everyone looked. 33. Two adults are not enough to capture a child hiding under a baby grand piano. 34. The travel time before it is impractical to drive a child hidden in their friend's car so that the parents are forced to let them stay overnight at their friends is one hour. Fortunately, the time a child can stay quiet in the back-back seat of a station wagon is usually less than 10 minutes. 35. War between kid brothers usually stops just before an actual serious injury involving death occurs. Numerous trips to the hospital for stitches are normal and should be considered usual growing up pains. 36. If during the summer, a sister turns her brother's hair bright orange, he is entitled to put a screen over her while she sunbathes asleep to give her a checkered tan - once. This will remind her not to fall asleep sunbathing which is dangerous anyway. 37. It does not matter how slowly or gently you loft it, a softball thrown with enough umph to reach the 2nd floor back porch, has enough umph, to float ever so gently through the plate glass window of the 2nd floor back porch door. 38. When handing your son a brand new generator saying "don't drop this, it's expensive", its a good idea to be sure he is not watching the neighbor girl walk by in short shorts or it will wind up broken on the ground when he drops it. 39. If you work at summer camp and sleep on a metal cot, avoid running the electric wires for your alarm clock under the sharp round feet of your bed lest "Sparky" become your new camp nickname. (The mattress pads were rubber thank God.) 40. When rolling the world's largest snowball off the flat roof of your school onto the first person who opens the side door, its a good idea to have a spotter so that you don't drop it on the principal. 41. The demonstration of Mike's Civil War Fort would have been perfect. The buildings were perfect reconstructions, he had even mixed his own black powder and poured it through and between the non-flammable buildings to show how one of the forts would have been torched. As the fire went through building to building his one mistake became evidently clear. His non-flammable materials were plastic straws. As billowing clouds of black smoke poured out of the school windows we out out the three foot flames in seconds, but by then 2 companies of fire trucks were on the way. The smoke filling the second floor of our school. We were dismissed for the day. Mike was a hero. Not for nothing did Mike have the reputation of being the smartest boy in school. Seen as an honest mistake, he didn't even get in trouble since the teacher let him start the fire. Brilliant. 42. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 43. 90% of the Women who read this will start checking the tightness of ketchup containers wherever they go.
My thanks to AMR for sending this to me. You can be a contributor too. Just send me an email at thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com or put your joke in a comment and I can include it in a post of its own. Just tell me how you would like to be recognized, or not. In this post I was responsible for number 23 on plus a few more. So I know those really happened. The rest, well they certainly had the ring of truth, now didn't they?
My dad sent my visiting cousin to bed. Five minutes later....
"Uncle Pete...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Uncle Pe-eete....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll toss you in the shower!!"
Five minutes later......"Uncle Pe-ete....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to toss me in the shower, can you bring a drink of water?"
My cousin didn't believe that she would actually get tossed in the shower. She didn't know my Dad well enough to know that he did not make idle threats.
When he held the tip-top of her head under the lukewarm water for 1/10th of a second she screamed like a banshee. Then he gave her the drink of water. On the second night of her overnight stay she drank enough water to satisfy herself before she went to bed.
Based on a true story.
What she was actually doing was talking too much when we were supposed to be asleep. I edited an old joke which had a funnier format. She got at least 8 warnings before splash. Man was it funny. We would have laughed out loud but we would have been next and we knew it. But there was an awful lot of very hard to suppress snickering for the next hour.
You'd think this wasn't a comedy blog anymore. It is! But no parent can help feeling bad for the grandfather who saw his 2-year-old grandson blown into Lake Michigan and founder underwater until he was pulled out and rushed to a hospital by emergency crews after 15 minutes submerged.
A parent's nightmare. Really. When you first realize that your wife is pregnant along with the joy are the worries of all the things that have gone wrong to others that creep into your thoughts and dreams. A friend saw her three-year-old bounce off the bed, through a screen and out the three story window of her apartment. Fortunately into the bushes below.
"Mom! Can I do that again!"
She still quivers a little when she tells that story behind the laughs as she tells it. Be careful where you let your toddlers bounce is the moral of that tale.
The moral of this tale is, be very careful when walking a small child along a pier along any body of water if you yourself cannot swim.
When my son was three I took him down to the harbors along the lakeshore. I let him walk down the piers and look right into the water. He laughed and giggled and had lots of fun. But this story does not make me worry that this was a dangerous thing to do. I was prepared for that activity.
First, it was a calm weather day. No heavy winds.
Second, as a teenager I earned both the Boy Scouts Scout Lifeguard Award, the rough equivalent to the Red Cross Water Safety Instructor except that it also has a rowing requirement, I followed that up with Red Cross Advanced Life Saving and Red Cross CPR in College, then before our son was born, my wife and I got certified in Red Cross Infant and Child CPR at a local hospital.
If my son had fallen into the water I would have been able to pull him out in seconds. Had he stopped breathing, I knew what to do while running to a phone to call 911. Though I had a cell phone with me so that was not needed. But I was prepared. You can be too.
If you live near a large body of water be careful near it. Keep close to kids, near the water if you can't swim.
The grandpa in this case did one thing right. By not jumping in when he did not know how to swim he did not cause a double-drowning. Instead, someone saw him and that gave his grandson the best chance he could get.
Never risk a double drowning, but if you know how, this is the order to do it.
Reach
Throw
Row
But only go if you know how. If you do, try to bring something that floats, like a ring buoy (life preserver) (they are to be thrown over the shoulders of a victim and drawn back not aimed at the head!) or an inflatable something.
Don't ever let a panicked swimmer grab you. Especially by the neck.
Let's keep this family in our prayers.
And as the sporting season starts, make sure you have a safety vest for everyone on your boat. Not only is it the law, but it prevents tragedies on very small craft.
They are an absolute must for canoes.
I will never forget the year after earning Scout Lifeguard being on a 30 mile canoe trip with a non-swimmer in the bow of my canoe. We were on the White River, near Whitehall, Michigan, just where it starts to feed into White Lake. About a half hour before we would land at Arf n' Barf.
He was wearing his vest. But he was also painfully thin.
It was a windy day and we actually had waves on this part of the river that were 6 to 8 inches high. Very unusual. Most of the river is only a foot to 3 feet deep. But at this part it opens up to about 12 feet deep. I was in the stern, the back of the canoe that controls or steers where the canoe would go. He wanted to move further back and I told him No!
He stood up in the canoe to move back anyway. Without his paddling we started to turn sideways to the wind and waves. I yelled to him as gently as I could to be careful and stay low so that he would not present himself like a sail to the wind. He stood straight up to hear me better, then lost his balance. Over we went.
The canoe turned upside down. I immediately came to the surface. He was not on my side of the canoe. I dived, wearing my vest this was hard, under the canoe to make sure he was not trapped underneath it then came up on the underside of it. He was not on the other side. But his vest was.
The kid was so thin that he had slid right out of his life vest and gone straight to the bottom of the river which had a mud bottom. I yelled to some of the older kids behind us to come then dove down to the bottom.
I could see him down there, barely, through the muddy water. He was not moving or struggling. Fighting the pull of the vest was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the water was at least 12 feet down and perhaps 15, it took all my strength.
He looked up at me, reached up to me with his hand, I grabbed it and pulled him into a cross-chest carry with control and the vest rocketed us up to the surface. At the top he exploded out the breath he had been holding.
When I shouted at him why hadn't he tried to come up to the surface he shrugged and said. "I was waiting for you. I knew you'd come get me." Nice. Very nice. By this time a couple of the other canoes got there and I had lashed the kid back into his vest and pushed him into one of the other canoes. We then did a maneuver called canoe over canoe rescue.
To do this you need a second canoe. While the overturned canoe is still upside-down you push one end down so that the other end comes up over the middle of the other canoe. Then you push the over turned canoe up until it is balanced on the middle of the other canoe upside down. Then when it is balanced in the middle, you can turn the canoe over out of the water and slide it back into the water floating. Then the person(s) in the other canoe can hold both canoes together by the thwarts, sides, to make it easier for the people in the water to get back in.
This was in some ways the most panicked of all, I wanted us to get back in the canoe before our Scoutmaster and assistant scoutmaster came around the bend and saw what had happened. I did not want them to know that I had dumped a 10-year old non-swimmer to the bottom of While Lake and almost drowned him. The current had been moving fast. If I had missed him on that first attempt, I don't know if I could have found him on a second try. It was terrifying.
I also did not know if I had the strength for a second or third try given the depth and the strength it took to fight the life vest and my own considerable natural buoyancy. The senior scouts with me and the kid looked at each other in shock.
"Pete", one said, "You almost really screwed that one up."
"Yeah," said another, "But you didn't."
"Hey," I said, "What Willy doesn't know," our Scoutmaster, "won't cause him any lost sleep or tears."
"Right." They all agreed.
"You!" The biggest of the lot said to the kid. "Keep your mouth shut about this and your butt in the bottom of the canoe."
I used what we called Willy-rope, rope our Scoutmaster used to get from tossed-out rope from his employer to tie the vest onto the kid and sat him down while we were still together. I was tempted to tie him to the canoe, but that was unsafe. We moved close to the North bank of the river, the Arf N' Barf side, and moved together as a group the last mile or so to our landing place well ahead still of the last of the 30 canoes with Willy in it.
I don't know if he ever learned that story.
Ten years later I was at my one of my sister's weddings and the kid's sister came up to me.
"Hi Peter," she said in a manner that was a lot friendlier than I would have expected given our lack of time spent together. She was my sisters' friend after all. I said Hi. She looked around. Noticed that we were sort of alone, then she grabbed me and kissed me. Hard.
"Wow! What was that for? I mean, thanks."
"You'll know what that was for if you think a little.:
"What?"
"Done any canoeing lately? Say on the White River at Owasippe?" Then the penny dropped. I knew that she knew. "Thanks. I really have liked having my brother around for the last 10 years. You know he only told me that story recently so its still a little shocking. I don't know what I would have done..."
That's more than you need to know. It made me feel good that someone knew and remembered what had happened. Not my stupidity in letting the situation get that far, though I had done all the warning I could have. But I was even gladder to hear how well he had done since then. That was the best news of all.
Switching back to the news story. This toddler has a possible future just like the kid in my story. It may be that he goes on to a great life. I sure hope so. But all those involved in his rescue deserve kudos for the attempt, from the stranger who stopped and called it in, to each hospital worker. Each life touches so many others. Each one we save, touches thousands more.
And I did not act alone. I was in the position to go to the bottom. But I had the support of the other canoes that rushed to my side. They just didn't help me hide it from Willy. That really wasn't important in the long run. They helped me get the kid out of the water fast. And back into a safe canoe, in a life vest.
When you go out in the water this summer, make sure you wear a properly fitting life vest.
Note: The White River trips started at Canoe Central near the Administration Center and Horse Corral and Ended in Whitehall at Dog 'n Suds which had great food. After almost two weeks of camp food it was like heaven on earth despite our nickname for it.
So, how did you spend your leap day? That extra day we get every four years, give or take the ones added or subtracted for century or millennia occasions. Wiki it if you like to get the formula.
Was there anything special about the day for you? Did you take some time off? Spend a few extra minutes surfing on line? Call a friend? Order a pizza but then realize you couldn't put meat on it (if you were a practicing Catholic or Jewish or possibly Hindi (at least not sausage)).
If you were an accountant type did you realize that salaried folk got hit up for an extra day of work for no extra pay while union hourly types got an extra 8 hours pay but that everyone has an extra day of work because of leap year? It seems that we should have a day off on February 29th 2 days out of every 7 leap years. Better yet, why not make it a holiday - say - History of Time awareness day. Not a big enough holiday to celebrate every year, but big enough to take a day off once every 4 years.
Think about it. The commercial possibilities are endless.
Greeting Cards:
I'll still be leaping for you 4 years from now!
I forgot about my boyfriend and leapt for you last night, it was great, see you in 4 years!
Hey, diddle, diddle, was that you I saw leaping over the moon last night you #%*& cow!
T-Shirts:
I Shoulda Looked on Leap Years Now I'm Stuck With This Guy And His Kids! (Arrow)
Take a Leap for (insert disease here). The Quadrennial Long Jump Competition where every inch counts.
I only bring the whole Leap Year topic up because an awful lot of people seem to be looking for leap-year jokes and looking here for them. Unfortunately I hadn't put any up here - till now.
Q: What did the blonde name her leap-year's-baby?
A: Leap Ear
Q. What College did she send daughter Leap Ear to?
A. Look Before U.
Q. At college Leap Ear Met the Son of Environmentalists who named him to commemorate an environmental disaster while affirming the importance of passion in life. They decided to blend their names in marriage. What would their new names be?
A. He became Love-Leap Ear-Canal and she became Leap-Love Canal-Ear. They almost broke up over whether to have their honeymoon at Lover's Leap or Love Canal when Leap Ear's Mother gave them free tickets to Disneyworld. After all, if you love ears, you can't pass on a free trip to Disneyworld.
The blond guy got called into his boss' 20th floor office. He was about to be fired for missing a mandatory staff meeting.
"But Boss", he said, "our meeting software has bugs in it all the time, so when it showed a staff meeting on an alleged 'February 29th' instead of March 1st, I figured it went goofy again and used my standing first of the month time off request to visit my sick Mom at the rest home."
The boss said, haven't you ever heard of 'Leap Year'?
The blond guy said, "Hey, I'm a team player, you want me to leap, you just tell me how high!"
At that the boss just opened his window and said, "Try six feet...."
Baby New Year sang to Father Time: "Jeepers Creepers Where'd you get those Leap Years!"
I'll admit these are pretty lame, but they are original. Just be glad I didn't add 17 lines to the Baby New Year's Song!
Oh, my leap day was spent mostly in bed feeling fluish. I didn't even know I was fluish. I don't even own one of those round black hats. I respect the flues. I get a flue shot every year. In my right arm. Or my left arm. Sometimes the nurse shoots me somewhere else occidentally. I don't mean to seem to be needling fluishness but I've been reading Woolly Allen all day.
Apparently my bed is Without Feathers. But I learned how to Cheat Death, just play chess with him, or checkers, or backgammon, or use a striped deck. I don't know why stripes help, maybe they confuse death. After reading this whole book of his collected short stories I have learned a lot about being fluish, its just like being Iris, only you can eat more things together if you're Iris and you only get starved to death or blown up if you're Iris whereas if you're fluish they get you a whole lot of other ways.
I think the score is probably something like Iris 1.5 million killed, starved to death, blown up since about 1500 (facts need checking), flues 7 million going back to when G_D didn't want people to use the vowel in his name and had this great secretary named Moses who knew when to quit taking down commandments before they got silly. Though I sometimes wish "Though shalt not pester thy father or mother endlessly in the store for stuff" had gotten in there somewhere. Probably because HE knew it would do no good anyway. Why put in a commandment that would only undermine his authority?
This is where having had the flue for 5 days is bad. Not because I am open to charges of worshipping a porcelain idol, albeit an American Idol, from Wisconsin, in fact, but because I don't know when to quit.
So if I have insulted you I am sorry. If I have bored you. Now that makes me feel really yucky. My spell checker tells me that yuck is a work but that yucky is not.
I am certain that the phrase "rumpshy-gumpshy in the trash bank" does not qualify as a commonly used idiom for "about to toss my cookies" either, though I heard it from my father every time I wanted to throw up, in fact students of Pavlov might wonder whether after some years the relationship might have reversed itself.
Well, on that note, most of you can pretty well be assured that your leap year's day was better and more comfortably spent than mine. Especially after my son started jumping up and down on my bed yelling "Pillow Fight!"
This gutbuster from my friend A.M. is rated P.G. for your Parents Got you!
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Busted! If Mom doesn't know, she always has a way of finding out, doesn't she?
Hope you liked this one! If you did, please leave a comment and forward this post to your friends by clicking on the envelope icon below!!!!
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's (or Grandma's) lap. This is from my friend MES one of this blog's great contributors.
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Another reader submission, this one from my long-time friend, DZ.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor.
Then he ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Then he set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors,mentors,flash cards,special learning centers. In short,everything they could think of to help him improve. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they enrolled Zachary in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and began studying.
When his mother went up to his room to check on him, books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. Later, she called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, Little Zachary marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books again.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at the report card and, to her great surprise, little Zachary had gotten an "A" in math!
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it - the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, No.
"Well,then,"she asked, Was it the books,the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".
Now that's a case of some genuine reflection if ever I saw one!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Sometimes in life as a parent you have to take responsibility for your actions. Not only what you tell your children to do, but what you show your children that its acceptable to do, by doing yourself.
You think you have plenty of time. Believe me you don't. By age 2 and 3 your little toddler is watching your every move. Don't wait until your child is a teenager to make the shocking discovery that this father did in this teen's room.
An important message for anyone who considers parenthood. Use the envelope to pass this link on to a friend.
Thank you for taking the time to view this message.
LUCKY MESSAGE WINNER!!!
If you send the link to this page to 25 people before the end of today, something amazing will happen to you. If you do not, a relative will have to move in with you for financial reasons and will have to stay with you for one month for every day that you delay.
Gullibility Notice
If you fell for the Lucky message winner notice above and feel the least bit strange about not sending the link to my blog on, well, by all means do so. But please do so in the knowledge that the statement about relatives moving in was completely made up and if one of your children or elderly relatives do move in in the near future and you have not passed this message on, than it is at worst bad luck or bad karma and has nothing to do with this message.
However, if you are still feeling bad you can join the Secret Order of the Yale Braille Society - None of Which Were Ever Visually Impaired While Sober and could only be nominated by a select Panel from the Secret Scull and Bones Society (rumored). It is also rumored that W was the member of Skull and Bones that provided the impetus for this "Super Duper Secret Service Society and that he often had to work long hours on secret projects, often corresponding to party nights..."
Now you have an opportunity to admit an application to join this secret society by submitting an application to YouTube.com with the title Skull Braille App.Mov, MPEG, MP4G whatever they will accept!
To train for the first initiation test, stand in the middle of a room and tie some fabric around your eyes so that you can't see. Note: It should be obvious that visually impaired persons may skip blindfolds. But I have known of worse idiocies inflicted on those with different sensory skills.
Then turning slowly in a circle with both hands moving from stretched out back to the nose with your pointer fingers extended, say the secret phrase of initiation over and over, slowly at first then gaining in speed, until you are saying it as fast as possible. While doing this, you should be attempting to touch your nose with your pointer fingers while rotating around in a circle.
Successful candidates have a moment of mind expansion and self-insight that comes to one only briefly in life. For this reason, the meditative ritual is worth doing in and of itself. However, in these days of technology, it is now possible to join the SDSSS without attending Yale University or completing this ceremony in person!
To do so, you must arrange to conduct the ceremony on videotape, which you will submit to YouTube.com with the caption Secret Society initiation. This will allow Skull and Bones members to contact you and notify you if you have been selected to go through additional initiation steps.
Several things are VITAL!
1) You do your utmost to do the ceremony with respect. If you can, create and environment suitable for this sort of affair with candles, perhaps a cape for you, a table in the background, whatever you can do. You are not expected to spend money on this, sincerity is what counts.
2) Make sure the videotape of you conducting the self-initiation is clear and that you can be clearly heard. Shoot it in digital video if you can. While these things should be super duper secret, if you do not have a tripod or good surface for the camera, you may wish to have a friend hold the camera.
3) More than one person may initiate themselves at the same time. However, in that case, they should each wear a paper plate or a large sign with a number on it and they should introduce themselves with a name and a number and say why they wish to join. For example what qualities they have like other members such as W and Dan Quayle. Each candidate MUST indicate the source of their initiation instructions to validate their application, in this case, each candidate must say "I was nominated by the Peter Files Blog of Comedy, The Peter Files at Blogspot dot com." Alternately the PeterFiles.Blogspot.com web address could be placed prominently in a banner so that the society knows the source, or, on a cute girl's shirt in a long enough shot for the address to be read. I have it on good authority that the pledge committee gives extra credit to film applications with babes in them.
4) Then all to be initiated gather in a large group, putting their arms out and spinning once to make sure that there is enough room between people so that they do not bump into each other.
5) Then all should blindfold themselves. Again, for the moment of enlightenment to come, just like in an immersion tank, it is important that candidates feel safe moving in the room, so all sharp or wet objects should be removed from their way.
6) With the tape rolling! The lens cap off! Each candidate shall begin the initiation mantra slowly. The camera person may keep time with a small drum, a triangle, or some other percussive instrument if needed.
7) It is imperative that the mantra not be over-rehearsed. If candidates get too used to it, it will become to commonplace a mantra for bringing a special and useful enlightenment on this day. If a group is doing this together, perhaps only one should know it and start the group together. It is short and simple.
8) While repeating the mantra, you may spin faster and faster as you say the mantra faster and faster. If you feel dizzy and there is someone to hold onto and spin with, then by all means do so, but do not allow yourself to become sick. Bummer. If you have to sit. Keep repeating the mantra faster and faster keeping your mind free and open until enlightenment comes.
9) Unlike many forms of meditation, amazingly, group enlightenment is far more frequent than you might expect. Causing amazing shouts and outbursts at the experience. I invite you to share the power of these experiences on the comments sections of this blog. Please try not to reveal too much however.
10) The mantra is simple. Like many great mantras you should use it to free your mind of ideas so that you can open your mind to your inner self and listen to what messages are coming within you. Do not expect it to make sense. Just remember, slowly with slow breathing at first, gradually picking up the pace and spinning as you go.
The mantra should be repeated over and over as you do your hand excercise blindfolded and spin: "ohwah tahgooh ziam, ohwah tahgooh ziam, ohwah tahgooh ziam"
There is a small chance that enlightenment may come on the first attempt. In that case try for a night very soon after, possibly one where people are tired. Then repeat.
I hope this will make up for my silly attempt earlier to bamboozle you!
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary All Material in the Peter Files Blog of Comedy Should be Considered Fictional, Satirical or Parody unless otherwise stated as factual, and even then it could be a joke... Thank you for visiting this blog! Wake the neighbors, tell your mother-in-law, there's treasure in this here blog! Well, at least some great laughs
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