Jokes to Put Some Spring In Your Step
The cold weather is hanging on and I thought a little warm humor might just be the thing to do the trick. I've been meaning to post some jokes and so here are some good ones, none original, or almost none. You may have seen one or two before but I am hoping that a few catch you by surprise and give you a good laugh.
Concerning the Matter O' Bagpipes
The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
Added Value Taxation
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agend and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have....Why do you ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"
The third piggy says "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee,' all the way home.
Eleven Shots of Tequila
This guy walked into a bar and ordered 11 shots of tequila.
Once the bartender laid out the glasses and filled 'em up, the man slammed 'em down.
The bartender says "Whoa! Slow down there, whats the problem?"
The man says "You'd drink that fast if you have what I have."
"And what's that" asked the bartender.
The man said "Seventy-five cents."
The Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Teaching Math Through the Decades
1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?
1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
1970 (new maths): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
1990: (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed because this encourages investment.
Two Little Leprechauns
Two little leprechauns went off to St Mary's convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior.
"Well, how can I help you little folk?" asked the Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Well, mother superior, would you be a knowing any midget nuns here at the convent?"
"Afraid not," replies Mother Superior, "there are no midget nuns here"
"All right then, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?"
"Well, no," replied Mother Superior, "none that I know of."
"Well then, in the whole world of nuns, would you know of any Midget nuns?"
"No, I wouldn't - there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" said Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said "Well, I told you so...Sure and if you haven't been dating a Penguin."
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your dad a big hug.”
Dear Army Ranger
An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been unfaithful with two guys while he had been gone. She wanted to break up and she wanted any pictures of herself that he had back.
So the Ranger did what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you. "
On the Poop Deck
A sailor is sitting in a bar pounding down the boiler-makers when he notices a really old pirate sitting next to him, nursing a flagon of grog. They start chatting about the olden days, and the pirate recounts some of his many adventures on the high seas.
The sailor notices that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eyepatch, and feeling bold, decides to ask about them. "How'd you lose the leg, old-timer?"
"Arrr," says the pirate, reflecting, "'twere a terrrrible storm. The ship, the Mary Widderwaltz she were, and we was a-plowin' on through waves higher than her mizzenmast. Pitchin' and corkscrewin' she was, droppin' like a stone then a-tossin' high up ta heaven again. There was a whole British squadron hard after us, two ships o' the line and a half-dozen frigates, so we had ta keep our headin' whatever the blow.
Well, I was up on deck on some damnfool errand or another, and a sudden squall tips me right into the drink. The bosun he throws me a line and I grabs it as soon as I hits the water, but now they can't spare a hand from the deck or aloft to haul me aboard. As God is my witness, I'm six hours in the sea, dragged along like a runnin' log line. Well at last, just afore noon it were, I'm as soggy and ill-used as a Scotchman's tea-bag, when the skies clear and they starts to haul me in. Hell's bells, I ain't but two fathoms from the ship when a great bloody shark swims up ta see what's fer dinner. He gets a sniff o' me, and takes off me left leg in one quick bite! The boys hauled me up and out before he could come back for seconds, but his firsts was enough to get me this fine ivory peg." He tapped the peg on the ground a couple of times and grinned.
"Merciful heavens!" says the sailor (more or less). "And what about the hook?"
"Arrr, the hook, eh? That were a fierce battle. Aboard the old Diana Hunger, we was takin' a fat Dutch merchant ship. We was just hove up alongside and about to board her when she drops her flag, sends up the Union Jack, and runs out a row of 24-pounders on each side of her gun-deck, not ta mention a half-dozen carronade starin' at us along the port rail. And then doesn't she commence ta givin' us hell? The carronades sweep our main deck clear with a great volley o' grape-shot and chain, then up pops a couple squadrons o' Royal Marines. They leaps for our main chains and suddenly I'm alone on the poop, sword in hand, with three or four lobsterbacks tryin' ta carve me up like a Christmas goose!
"Fierce! Did I say fierce? It were infernal hot on that deck. Chain and grape and cannister is everywhere, buzzin' like them mosskayters in Hayti, with our shrouds and stays snappin' and lashin' down at us like the Devil's own cat on some Punishment Sunday in Hades. Below decks them 24-pound balls are smashin' at our hull while the boomin' of our own guns is shivverin' our timbers from keel ta topmast. The smoke so thick y'can hardly see the man in front o' ye what's tryin' ta run ya through."
"My gosh," (or something to that effect) said the sailor. "What happened?"
"Well, I manage to poke one of 'em good -- right where he sits on! -- and doesn't he fall over a-bawlin' fer his momma! I gives his friend a push and knocks his head against the mizzen boom and down he goes. Before I can turn to the third one, slash comes his blade and there goes me right hand, cutlass and all, flyin' over the rail and into the briney. I'm a-standin' there, wonderin' if I'll have me own hand again if I gets to Heaven, and thinkin' I'm t' be findin' out right soon enough, when up swarms Fat Sully the cook and Splinter-nose Jim the ship's carpenter. They've got 'em a sweep each from the captain's gig and they're swingin' 'em and screamin' like savages. They knocks the other marines bang over the rail and inta the middle o' next week, and then go a-roarin' off to clear the main deck.
"When I wake up in the cable-tier it's three days later. The lob-lolly boy is telling me how the false Dutchman caught fire and her whole crew went running back aboard to save her. We bore off as best we could before her magazine blew, and good thing, says he, as there comes a flash and a terrible roar, and then an awful rain o' splinters, metal, and bloody gobbets.
The boy is grinnin' and hoppin' up and down like a fool, and here comes the surgeon, a bigger fool with a bigger grin, leadin' the captain right over ta me. He's a-showin' off my right arm to the captain, crowin' about what a neat bit o' sewin' he done, and that's when I remember I've got no hand no more. Cheer up, says the surgeon, and won't I have a fine stump ta fit a shiny hook, once we gets into port. And sure enough, three months later, we're in some Spanish seaside town, and I find me a blacksmith to make this fine hook. She's a beauty, ain't she?"
"Sure is," says the sailor admiringly. "And how about the eye-patch? Was that another big adventure?"
"Naahh...," says the pirate, "'tweren't much of anything really. A bit o' seagull poop fell inta me eye is all."
"Seagull poop? You lost your eye from a little bit of seagull poop?" The sailor can't believe it.
"Arrrgh, aye..." stammers the pirate, "Well, dontcha y'see?... it were me first day with the hook!"
"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."
Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.
The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.
Priceless - Saying the Right Thing at the Right Time
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot steak and eggs breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home about 3 A.M., blind stinking drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why did Mom put everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?" His son replied, "Oh that! Mom and I dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone! I'm a happily married man!"
Self-induced hangover - $70.00
Broken furniture - $250.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing at the right time - Priceless
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa, Good Luck, buddy, I had that done when I
was born ... Couldn't walk for a year."
Hope you enjoyed these!
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