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Monday, March 07, 2005

Seven Days Without a Pun Makes One Weak


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Only a few of these are original. I tend to pun on the fly rather than keep my lips zipped as I should. Some I have edited, just for the pun of it.

Without further a dew, let's get these groans on the road.

If you drive a train, you can't afford to lose track of your destination.

Someone crazy enough to steal trains must have a loco-motive.

A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might
go down the wrong track.

How do you find a missing train? Follow its tracks.

Every so often railroad conductors have to go for retraining.

One can-tanker-ous train railed another, asking, "What are you a-freight of?" "The Switch!"

If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down and dis-track-ted.

A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.

Gas companies cannot fuel all of the people all of the time.

Einstein rode home on a locomotive pursuing a relatively good train of thought. Perhaps the idea was just stringing him along though.

A train load of paint derailed putting local businesses in the red.

On the old trains the engineer was esteemed by his passengers, where as today many are revolted for no good reason.

Those building railways today have to do a lot of tracking or their projects will

They say those streetcar guys didn't frown much, they were really trolly
fellows, despite all those lines they faced.

In the old days they didn't think much of the agents in the rail station
booths, they were just token vendors, you see.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired, and often sore in the kick stand.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

A hermit drove to town and was charged with recluse driving.

Truckers like houses with long haulways.

A man who rode in a carpool felt sick whenever they passed under a certain
tunnel. His doctor diagnosed this as carpool tunnel syndrome.

Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.

If you ride a bus you have to pay your fare share.

The man addicted to brake fluid said he could stop any time.

Weaving cars mean Looming accidents.

If every car in the country were white you would live in a white carnation.

Tires are fixed for a flat rate, and we're not talking spare change here..

It was a lucky car. Until he had to push his luck.

When a rich man bought a car he had nothing to chauffeur it.

When driving during hunting season, watch for animals that are dead ahead.

The first time he put the horses on the carriage it went without a hitch.

A motorcycle rider with bad teeth is the leader of the plaque.

Cyclists have lots of wheel-power.

Henry perfected the Ford down to a T.

He drove his car until the day of wreckoning.

The quadruplets were always wandering off. It was a four-gone conclusion.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a
little whine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink. Then I felt really drained.

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Then I was out.

Why do people preserve fruits and vegetables? Because they 'can'.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

When James Bond slept through the earthquake, he was shaken but not stirred.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

The doctor blood-tested secretarial candidates before hiring to eliminate

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

The snowstorm arrived at a fortuitous moment. It was white on time.

He wanted her to stop singing. 'Refrain?' she said, 'of chorus I will'.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.

That's a terrible cough you've got. Consumption be done about it?

Before the revolution, Russia was in a Tsary state. Tell me, whose Tsary now?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were

A Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Peg had a boyfriend with a wooden leg 'till she broke it off.

Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen em mall.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Math teachers have lots of problems.

Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their
noses run.

A massage therapist kneaded new customers.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.

A pun is its own reword.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

When those around King Arthur's table had insomnia, there were a lot of
sleepless knights.

Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

Nylons give women a run for their money.

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

When the waiter was asked if crabs were served in his restauraunt he replied -
oh yes ... we serve anybody!

If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.

The church janitor was also the organist, and had to watch his keys and pews.

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.

Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.

Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Some burglars are always looking for windows of opportunity.

Some people don't like food going to waist.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.

An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power

Don't ever park illeagaly when the tow truck's afoot!

Another job well pun.



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