Palin's Revere Gate

Just about everyone has heard about Sarah Palin's revisionist telling of Paul Revere's famous ride where she managed to get a few of the easiest and most memorable details of American Revolutionary History wrong and then tried to weasel her way out of it rather than just admit her mistake and move on.

So Paul wasn't riding to warn the British that the Americans knew they were coming, riding his horse, ringing his bell and shooting his gun as Palin claimed. Politicians say all kinds of crazy things. Where's the harm here?

Well, the first problem is that it makes her look ridiculous as everyone knows that Paul was out advertising his Silver shop's midnight madness sale when a light from the old church tower fell onto his hat and created the idea for the world's first fire sale!

The British are coming! The British are coming! Here your Revereware before it's gone, gone, gone! He shouted! Following the old trade route from Lexington to Concord Paul managed to scare up quite a crowd too who happened to be on hand for his free musketball promotion.

One free musketball if by land, two free musketballs if by sea, was enough to get quite a few men out for the Colonies' first blue light sale! Patriot and Hero of Capitalism, no wonder Revere is so Revered by Republicans!

What's that you say? That's closer but it's not how it happened? I'm sorry. Come to think of it I might have filled in a few details on my own. Better check a history book or wiki... Oh, never mind. Good thing I'm not running for president.

Well, at least I admitted my mistake right away just like Sarah Palin did.

What's that? She didn't? She tried to fool all of the people on one of the most basic and well known stories of American History?

How cute? Isn't that precious? She's decided the key to victory is to appear to be as smart as media darlings Paris and Lindsey. All she has to do now is leak her sex tape. What? Say it isn't so.

Whew. It isn't so. Joe Weiner, a Democrat came close enough to that.

So what bothers me about the story is not that she got such basic facts wrong. Facts my 8 year old knew better. What bothers me is she lied about it and tried to get away with it.

We generally hold Presidents to a higher standard. We at least expect them to know which fights are worth fighting and when it is better to admit a mistake and try to move on. This was clearly the only smart way to handle Revere gate yet neither Palin or any of her advisors were smart enough to figure that out in time to avoid severe damage to the credibility of her candidacy. The credibility loss came not so much from making the mistake, but from having no one who was willing to admit the mistake.

I know the version of history listed here is not correct. It's meant to entertain not inform. But our President should never be our Jester, we have VP's for that.

I try to admit my errors and Presidents should too, at least to the degree the job allows. Sure, we all acknowledge that sometimes, for good reasons, Presidents lie. What most of us don't want are Presidents who are so I'll educated that they feel that they have to lie habitually just to keep up. That kind of person just doesn't merit the job and the job should go to someone better qualified.

I'm capable of factual and historical mistakes. That's a given when you write comedy. But I am not a candidate for President and in times like these when candidates want the workers to tighten their belts and improve their performance they better be prepared to do the same darn thing themselves.

If candidates expouse better performance from teachers, then their own spelling, history and math should darn well be up to snuff. Or they'll get a math lesson in 2012 at the polls.

Nb: Errors made in this post are mine. Sorry. I'll try to do better next time.


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Opening Night Arts Group Summer "Annie Jr." Program Auditions December 8th and 9th, 2008

I got an audition notice for the Opening Night Art Group summer camp program that is auditioning Annie Jr. this Monday and Tuesday, January 8th and 9th for those between 4th and 8th grade. Sorry for the late notice, but I just saw it myself.

There is a fee for taking part in this program, and if you are cast you will be assigned to one of two casts, as described below. I assume the fees go to costumes, make-up, sets, and training fees for the instructors.

This may be the equivalent of a paid day camp but with a play production at the end. While payment is due on January 1st, they seem to have a refund policy. You may want to ask others at the auditions about their experiences at the group.

As a former Daddy Warbucks, I can say that Annie is a GREAT show. Don't think that the only good parts are for girls too. 

But I don't think I know this group so I can't endorse them. I can only pass along their information. Don't hold that against them though, just check them out when you get there. I don't think they could ask for money if they were not doing something good. The show is also a fundraiser for St. Jude's you could give them a call and see how much they got last year.

Their website looks pretty professional though - check it out. The links below to other parts of their website worked when I tested them.

Auditions for Opening Night Youth Productions' Presentation of Under the direction of Ms. Dee Hamilton Opening Night Arts Group will be holding auditions for our Opening Night Youth Productions' presentation of Annie Jr. on December 8 and 9, 2008. These auditions are for a spot in the theatre program which will present Annie, Jr. during summer 2009. These auditions are not for specific roles at this time but are for a spot in the program. Specific roles will be cast next summer during the first few days of the program. This program is primarily intended for children with some prior acting, singing, and/or dancing experience. If you love to perform come on out and audtion - we want to see you!  Proceeds from these performances of Annie, Jr. will benefit St. Jude's Children's Hospital. Auditions will take place as follows: You must register for an audition date. We have a limit of 60 children per audition day. Auditions are for children who are entering the 5th grade through entering 9th grade in the summer of 2009. Auditions are on the following days: Monday, December 8, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m. Tuesday, December 9, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m. Trinity Christian College Ozinga Chapel Building Choir Room and Recital Hall When you register you will pick your preferred date for the audition. We will make every effort to accomodate your choice, however since there are only 60 slots per day you may need to audition on the other day. You will be notified via email of your audition date. Please be sure to provide a valid email address that you check regularly. You may register for an audition time here. Please be prepared to perform as follows: DANCE AUDITION: Come prepared in comfortable clothes. You will learn a routine at the audition. SINGING AUDITION: Girls: Come prepared to sing “Tomorrow”. Please click this link for music: http://www.broadwayjr.com/audition/auditionlist.asp?ID=1 Choose “Score” under “Annie” and scroll down. Accompaniment will be provided at the audition. Boys: Come prepared to sing “Easy Street” Please click this link for music: http://www.broadwayjr.com/audition/auditionlist.asp?ID=1 Choose "Score" under "Rooster & Lily" and scroll down. Accompaniment will be provided at the audition. You can hear a recording of it by clicking: http://www.broadwayjr.com/store/showkitproduct.asp?oid=3 ACTING AUDITION: Come prepared with an age appropriate 1 minute monologue. The selection may or may not be memorized, actor’s choice. Monologues may be checked out at the library or found online. AUDITION RESULTS: Once auditions are complete, the director and producer will choose the program participants. You will be notified via email as to whether or not you have been accepted into the program. Please note that the director and staff will make the decisions they feel will be best for the production and their decisions are final. We are looking forward to seeing the many talented children we have in our area. The Opening Night Youth Production's Summer Theatre Program promises to be an exciting and rewarding experience for all involved. PROGRAM FEES: There is no cost to audition. Once a child has been notified that they will be in the Opening Night Youth Production's program, fees will be as follows: $300 for Opening Night Arts Group Members $325 for Non-members Fee payment will be due in full by January 1, 2009. Payment plans are available. The refund policy for this program is as follows: Registration cancelled by March 31, 2009 - Receive a full refund of registration fees Registration cancelled by June 29, 2009 - Receive a 50 percent refund of registration fees After June 29, 2009 - No refund will be given If you would like to become a member of Opening Night Arts Group you may do so here. Annie Jr. Summer Program Schedule REHEARSALS: June 29-July 23, 2009 Mondays-Thursdays 9 a.m.-noon Trinity Christian College Ozinga Chapel building Choir room and Recital Hall Monday, July 27 - Monday, August 3, 2009 Weekdays 9 a.m.-noon (including Friday) Trinity Christian College Communications Building Marg Kallemeyn Theatre PERFORMANCES: Trinity Christian College Communications Building Marg Kallemeyn Theatre WHITE CAST:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 7:30 p.m. Thursday, August 6, 2009 7:30 p.m. Saturday, August 8, 2009 7:30 p.m. RED CAST: Wednesday, August 5, 2009 7:30 p.m. Friday, August 7, 2009 7:30 p.m. Saturday, August 8, 2009 3:00 p.m. More information will be provided during auditions and in future emails. If you need assistance now, you may contact us here. Click here to go to the auditions registration page. So that's the story. Since there are quite a few parts for boys, especially 7th and 8th grade boys, so don't feel that boys would not have a chance here. In fact, I think you would be at an advantage percentage wise in getting a good part. Since many of the "Adult" roles in Annie are men's roles. FDR, etc. However, this is Annie, Jr. and I don't know how it is different. If you go for an audition - break a leg! ________________________________________________________________________ A Night of Variety I just noticed that the group is going to do "A Night of Variety" on January 23rd and 24th Join us for a night of singing, dancing, and comedy as members of the Opening Night Performance Group and Take A Bow Performers entertain you! Andy Avalos of WMAQ-TV Channel 5 is the Master of Ceremonies This performance will assist Opening Night Arts Group in continuing our mission to provide contributions to charities throughout the year. Two Nights Only! January 23rd and 24th at 8 p.m. Marg Kallemeyn Theater Trinity Christian College 6601 W. College Drive Palos Heights, Illinois Tickets $17 for members / $20 for non-members Tickets purchased online will be available at will call at the theatre on the evening of the performance. Split-the-Pot Raffle! Entertainment galore! Refreshments! This is a family friendly show so bring the kids along for a great night of entertainment. We are asking that everyone who attends bring at least one item to be donated to Operation Support Our Troops. These items will be delivered in care packages to the men and women on active duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is a great way to show your support to the troops and provide them with much needed and appreciated supplies. The organization has requested the following supplies: 1. Toilet paper 2. Hand sanitizer (12 oz or less) 3. Lotion for men (16 oz or less) 4. Canned nuts (20 oz or less) 5. Jelly (plastic jars only, 32 oz or less) Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Learning from Kids: Things that Really Happened and Then Some

Things learned from real children - mostly boys:

1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on when using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in our town has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. If you absolutely MUST know what that odor is, try looking under the radiator covers for last year's easter eggs. Hopefully they will only be one year old.
25. Get you kids in the habit of hiding only plastic easter eggs for their easter egg hunts. The decorated ones make a bad mess. The raw eggs make a bad, disgusting and smelly mess that never goes away if there is the slightest gap in your floorboards. Your only alternative: Move.
26. Now that glass soda bottles seem to be making a return: never, ever, under any circumstances, store unopened glass soda bottles in the car near any of your children's feet. Unless your spouse is a lawyer.
27. A four-year-old child can resort to hiding his favorite toy at the top of a 40-foot tree over a glass strewn alley if pressed. Do not yell at him while he is at the top of the tree.
28. When in *nice* restaurants watch your children like hawks if you see them touch things like salt and pepper shakers, mustard and ketchup bottles.
28. The sound of a 7-year-old girl who has gotten ketchup all over her white easter dress after her brother played with the top does not bear describing.
29. If you hear the sounds "white whale, white whale" coming from your pool or the lake you are staying near, it is already too late, your children's butts have already been exposed to the sun for anyone nearby to see.
30. When changing a child's diaper at a very large public venue, such as a concert at Grant Park in Chicago, it is helpful if your picnic blanket is not at the top of the largest hill in view. That way if your little girl gets away from you sans clothes, the chances that she will run to the top of the hill spinning like Maria Von Trapp for the entire Midwest to admire during the quietest part of Peter and the Wolf, will be substantially reduced. Duct tape helps too.
31. It may take more than one police search of your house to find a child asleep in a clothes basket in a bedroom closet.
32. Even the second time she disappears, and that's the first place everyone looked.
33. Two adults are not enough to capture a child hiding under a baby grand piano.
34. The travel time before it is impractical to drive a child hidden in their friend's car so that the parents are forced to let them stay overnight at their friends is one hour. Fortunately, the time a child can stay quiet in the back-back seat of a station wagon is usually less than 10 minutes.
35. War between kid brothers usually stops just before an actual serious injury involving death occurs. Numerous trips to the hospital for stitches are normal and should be considered usual growing up pains.
36. If during the summer, a sister turns her brother's hair bright orange, he is entitled to put a screen over her while she sunbathes asleep to give her a checkered tan - once. This will remind her not to fall asleep sunbathing which is dangerous anyway.
37. It does not matter how slowly or gently you loft it, a softball thrown with enough umph to reach the 2nd floor back porch, has enough umph, to float ever so gently through the plate glass window of the 2nd floor back porch door.
38. When handing your son a brand new generator saying "don't drop this, it's expensive", its a good idea to be sure he is not watching the neighbor girl walk by in short shorts or it will wind up broken on the ground when he drops it.
39. If you work at summer camp and sleep on a metal cot, avoid running the electric wires for your alarm clock under the sharp round feet of your bed lest "Sparky" become your new camp nickname. (The mattress pads were rubber thank God.)
40. When rolling the world's largest snowball off the flat roof of your school onto the first person who opens the side door, its a good idea to have a spotter so that you don't drop it on the principal.
41. The demonstration of Mike's Civil War Fort would have been perfect. The buildings were perfect reconstructions, he had even mixed his own black powder and poured it through and between the non-flammable buildings to show how one of the forts would have been torched. As the fire went through building to building his one mistake became evidently clear. His non-flammable materials were plastic straws. As billowing clouds of black smoke poured out of the school windows we out out the three foot flames in seconds, but by then 2 companies of fire trucks were on the way. The smoke filling the second floor of our school. We were dismissed for the day. Mike was a hero. Not for nothing did Mike have the reputation of being the smartest boy in school. Seen as an honest mistake, he didn't even get in trouble since the teacher let him start the fire. Brilliant.
42. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
43. 90% of the Women who read this will start checking the tightness of ketchup containers wherever they go.

My thanks to AMR for sending this to me. You can be a contributor too. Just send me an email at thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com or put your joke in a comment and I can include it in a post of its own. Just tell me how you would like to be recognized, or not. In this post I was responsible for number 23 on plus a few more. So I know those really happened. The rest, well they certainly had the ring of truth, now didn't they?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Fast Kids

Everyone complains that today's kids aren't on the ball as much as yesterdays kids. Yet, here's some evidence that maybe they are smarter than some people think.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEAC HER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.
___________________________________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who is interested in whatever a teacher has to say, whenever she happens to say it?

MARY ELLEN: Her husband.
___________________________________


Another one from Mary Ellen, but I noticed that she got it from her friend Colleen. Thanks Mary Ellen!


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Beware Ides of March? What about the Ides of April?

Talk about a mistake. He was warned.

March 15th is the Ides of March. But don't worry. The Ides of March shouldn't be an unlucky day for you.

The Ides or the 15th of each month on the Roman Calendar used in 44 B.C. was unlucky only for Gaius Julius Caesar Imperator Pontifex Primum Praeter Counsul Imperator Rex. (Later, his adopted son Octavius who conned Cicero into conning the Senate into naming Octavius Counsul of Rome had the Senate declare Julius Caesar a god too, but that happened after Caesar's death.)

Easier then, the Romans had lots of Gods. Of course later, Augustus got himself elevated to god-hood too, as well as month hood, for him and uncle Julius (July and Augus, of course), got himself named Emporer for life after getting Marc Anthony to bump himself off in Alexandria and even more important, survived to the ripe old age of 71.

There's a song to remember Julius Caesar's titles that I learned in Latin Class - It goes to the tune of "Clementine"

Gaius Julius Caesar Noster
Imperator Pontifex
Primum Praeter
Diende Counsul
Nunc Dicator
Mox Que Rex.

Julius omens, warnings, portents, dreams, and the stark political realities of the fear he had created in the old Republican Guard, and so was stabbed on the floor of the Roman Senate 23 times, including by his old friend Brutus, it is said. (Leading to Shakespeare's Line, "Et tu, Brute?" (And you, Brutus?) Brutus is said to have been the last to give old Julius the Shiv.)

Anyway this event has given the Ides of March a bad name for the more than 2000 years since.

We Americans really should amend it though! Instead we should say:

BEWARE THE IDES OF APRIL! It WILL be a taxing time for us all.

Happy St. Patrick's day, that's the 17th of this month otherwise known as -wait for it,

THE IMBIBES OF MARCH!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
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How to Prepare for an Audition – Imperfect Notes for the Beginner Scribbled Quickly From My Own Experience

How to Prepare for an Audition – Imperfect Notes for the Beginner Scribbled Quickly From My Own Experience

It is generally agreed by professionals like myself that Panic is the first step to a great audition. True, this is counter-intuitive. You do not want your high level of panic to show at the audition, but a high level of panic right up to the point that you get into the car on the way to the audition itself can be a most helpful motivator.

Note the importance of losing your panic before getting into a car on the way to the audition itself, in fact before driving any auto vehicle at any time prior to the audition. In fact, where available, taking public transportation to an audition can help relieve pre-audition stress. Call 836-7000 for directions in the Chicago Region for CTA, Pace and Metre. Beverly Art Center, for example is served by all three!

I have noted that severe auto accidents often undermine the confidence of those auditioning and directors alike with worries of self-termination prior to the actual performance date and quite talented people are sometimes over looked at auditions for this reason.

“Kumquats! I’d cast him, but in the Scottish play he almost got his arm cut off
and he didn’t even have a sword, in Sweeny Todd he managed to slide down the Barber Chair Head first and we’re doing Pirates of Penzance here, no, I can’t risk it. And he’s a great Tenor. If I could just suspend him in a box above the stage. Hmmn, Maybe….
From such maybes have come some of he stages greatest on stage fiascos.
Note: Gender and Facts changed above in the interests of fairness and to protect my life.

Getting the script is the next big step. Once you have it, often available from the producer for community theater productions for a deposit, you can figure out, within reason, if there are any parts in the show for you at all.

I am not going to try to define “within reason” here. So often directors are stuck in “Auditions" with the "this is all I get to work with?" situation such that you may get to play 40 years older or younger than your actual ace, especially in a musical, if you have the notes. More likely, the director will look for a ringer, but the bigger the cast, the better your chances, especially when multiple shows are casting at the same time. I still don’t know why production companies do this, but often in an area production companies will create chaos by holding auditions within days of each other. This always works to the actor’s advantage and never to the producer’s as this allows actors to pick and choose between offered parts and this messes up the "pretty pictures" producers made on the stage when casting.

Having a realistic idea of what you are really likely to be cast for will help you a lot. The best way to get this sense of reality is to work with a really good friend, an acting teacher of vocal coach who will be honest with you. Brital honest is critically important. Not the kind you see in the American Idol pre-shows.

All my friends say I'm really a great singer so I thought I would screech my way through The Facts of Life Theme Sng on National Television.

That kind of honesty you don't need unless its backed up by an agent.

Acting is a skill, practice and exposure to people who are really good at it will really help you, IF, you pay attention to them without being a pest. I have learned far more from the people I have worked with over the years than from any book.

If you are preparing for a musical, you need to prepare a song in your vocal range and be ready to sing it in time to the music. The music director may change the time of the music to see if you handle it well or poorly and can work with an orchestra that may get away from him.

But first things first, if you are a low alto, don’t audition for a high soprano part just because you have always wanted to play that part. The music director will strongly resist having the song done an octave lower except in very exceptional chances.

How do you find out your vocal range? The musical director at a community theater audition will help you a little. But for lead roles you usually need to have been working with a vocal coach.

Vocal coaches do not have to be hugely expensive. But $20-$30 a half hour, every week is not out of line on the south side. Ask the good singers who they use. They probably have the best coaches. Try to get an appointment. If you know nothing about sight reading music they may reject you, then ask for a reference for a real beginner who will tolerate this, or ask for “emergency help” for one audition and they may, may take pity on you.

Above all else a vocal coach should start by:

Teaching you how to protect your voice;

Teaching you how to breath correctly;

Teaching you about your range and what songs are in it;

If your vocal coach does not start with the first two immediatly, especially in winter, ask why not and be prepared to fire them right away if it is not a very good answer. Finding your range might come first, but protecting your voice is paramount, you can ruin it through improper vocal training and if your vocal coach does not know how to protect against this you need to move on, immediately.

Analyze the scrip to try to figure out what scenes the director might choose for auditions and learn these first, but try to become really familiar with as much of the script as possible. Look for scenes where a lot of the characters are on stage at once. The cast parades: the director needs to see how the whole cast looks together. If you are a shorter person in one of these, wear a hat and heels as you go up. If tall, flats and no hat. Little things help. Dpn't do dumb showy things to get attention, trust me, I've tried, they don't work.

Look for little intense scenes between the characters you think you want to play and the main characters they compete against, who is often but not always the same gender. To borrow from Michael Shurtlief’s excellent book “The Audition” (buy in paperback, its cheap) always ask in any scene, ask “What is your character fighting for?” Then fight for it. Hard. Even if you've gotten the what the character should be fighting for wrong, if nothing else it makes for a fiesty scene and proves you won’t be boring on stage if you get the part. Directors often like surprising and feisty interpretations of work that are seriously done. It means the actor has done some serious thinking about the work and might be fun to work with, a serious plus in most directors worth working with. Yes, Virgina, there are a very few directors not worth working with. If you are lucky and are in the scene with someone very good, your fighting for method will give them something to play off of. Listen to what they are sending you and build off it, incorporate it, the emotions, etc, and bring the level of tension and stakes of the scent up, not down.

Working really well with someone, anyone in a scene can help you get the part. Your goal is always to get some part, not a specific part. Besides, you never know who the director has really picked for the lead, it is often not obvious. I've been in shoes where the director picked a young woman as the lead but only read her in minor parts, but with every other potential member of the cast. He knew how good she was already, not everyone else. He learned a lot by how people worked with her compared to the "obvious" lead candidates and the resulting cast complely surprised everyonel. The director cast those who worked well with everyone, especially his lead. Of course, most directors are not this devious.

So don't agonise too much how you are doing in any one audition, or lie and die on any one audition. Its just not healthy. As time goes on, the right parts will come to you with experience. Especially as you build a reputation for reliability and stability from show to show which are very important.

That’s all I have time for now. OH. Ues.

Remember not to panic IN the audition. The producers want you to succeed and you to show yourself off at your most calm and professional best. They want to see what you can really do and are hoping that YOU will be the surprise star that they are looking for. And you just might be. And don’t forget to have a little fun, your audition audience may be larger than some of the real audiences you get, sorry to say. And, more receptive, because they are sweating as much as you are. That is, if the producers let the others see you. That's an issue in and of itself.

Break a leg!

Hope you liked this one!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
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Teacher Recommendation For Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt

Teacher Recommendation:

I wholeheartedly recommend Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt for any teaching assignment that she should apply for.

After the months of hell she endured here at our school, I am absolutely convinced that there is no educational situation, including the United States Marine Corps, that Ms. Vanderbilt is not ready to handle.

None of the outright fiascos that occurred in our classroom during her required student teaching stint were her doing, in fact, she averted, spotted, or helped to avert each and every crisis and was especially adept at spotting the life-threatening ones, a valuable asset in a suburban first grade classroom like mine.

First the obvious, Ms. Vanderbilt is a natural teacher. When she opens her mouth, people naturally stop and listen to whatever she has to say. This is because she has the gift of only saying things that are worth saying, and that are relevant or important, such as, "Attention everyone! There is smoke billowing from the boy's bathroom, please line up as if the fire alarm has gone off as it will surely do any second."

Her keen nose got our first-graders to the far stairs just as the fire-alarm was pulled, by Ms. Vanderbilt. This was helpful as our classroom normally exited the building at the near stairs closest to the boy's room. For some God-awful reason the primary department is on the fourth floor of our school and so every second counted that day I can tell you.

Of course it was Kindergartners smoking in the boy's room again and dumping their stubs in the paper towel trash instead of the toilet. Of course, I can't name the family, but every school has one or two of them, we have about 10 of them due to overcrowding. Families I mean. Oddly, only the youngest in two families started smoking without the eldest knowing about it. I believe they have stopped smoking now. Their casts should come off sometime next month.

Ms. Vanderbilt was also very helpful at spotting trouble and danger at our field trip to the ****** County Monster Truck Rally and Gun Show. Personally, I think this kind of event is a little bit much for first graders but until I can get myself onto the Local School Council I don't have much say in which grades get to go to this. At least they keep the Kindergarteners out of the gun show!

Once again we had trouble with a couple of kids who got antsy during the Giant T Jump and Roll Competition, a few of our boys were running around hitting each other with their new (empty) rifles and chased each other onto the track!

Well! I never saw a student teacher move so fast in my life. Ms. Vanderbilt just about leaped out onto that track, leapt out in front of the T-N-T Lizard of Doom Doom Doom before it squashed Toby and Maxie flat, and had them back in their seats before I even knew they were gone.

The boys were upset that their new rifles got squished into the mud, but what can you say? They shouldn't have had them on the track in the first place! Ms. V. also managed to stop a few of the Kindergartners from buying flame-throwers at the gun show. Guess which ones? Don't know how they slipped by their teacher! I'm sure they would have been caught getting off the bus back at school, don't you think?

Ms. V. has also proved to be very good at disarming parents without seeming to touch them. I swear, I saw a parent going after Mr. Nova the science teacher and Ms. V. was standing nearby and that parent just stumbled and fell flat on his face all by his self. No one knows how it happened and we were all looking right at him! The only thing we are all sure of is that Ms. V. didn't move one single muscle.

Ms. V. is a very healthy person, she has encouraged all the kids to exercise and even led a gymnastics club on our field this fall after school. Even some of the teachers joined in. The kids loved it. She brought her boom box and they exercised to songs that were lots of fun. The kids who took part were in a lot better shape and even kept it up after she left. Funny thing, those kids used to get picked on a lot, and they don't at all anymore.

Ms. V. is great in the classroom, knows all the new teaching theories, is great with centers, knows how to evaluate students, do Dibbles testing, and is up on her Fontis and Parnell. The kids love her read-alouds and her lesson plans were letter perfect.

She also had great fashion sense. The kids especially liked it when she wore her purple beret. It was very stylish, very military-like. But don't worry, she is not a forceful or angry person. I have never seen anyone so calm or in control of herself. True to her name, Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt, is as sweet as they come in the classroom and all the kids felt very safe coming to her with their concerns. Sometimes I even wonder how she got through life staying so sweet with a name like that, you'd think she would have been teased to death and compensated for it. But not Ms. V.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to call me at the number above,


Jamie-Lynn Marie Violetta Ashbury-Diamagioletto
First Grade Teacher, The Charleton Heston School of ***** County, ******

I once used to hire and supervise student intern. Part of the job was writing recommendation letters. I did not work in education, but a story a friend of mine told me made me wonder about what a bizarre student-teacher recommendation might look like and the odd twists and turns the story took got very far away from just having to write a letter of recommendation for someone super.

Naturally, the latest news about the younger Ms. Spears deciding to move back to Louisiana crept in at the last minute to influence the mentor teacher's name. Please be assured that this bit was NOT written with the Great State of Louisiana in mind. After all, Texas would be so much more likely, or North Carolina, or Alabama, or maybe even Illinois? LOL

Remember - if you take this stuff seriously you are missing the point! Oh, Good luck to anyone caught up in grown up problems too soon. Whatever they are. From life's difficulties comes character - if you face them head on.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Our Dog of a Hard Drive Ate Your Lesson Plans Honey

Dear Honey,

Sorry to leave you such bad news taped to the computer so early in the morning, but I thought it best to get out of the house for a little early morning exercise after staying up all night trying to find your missing computer files.

Brace yourself, I think that dog of a hard drive of ours ate your lesson plan folder.

Seriously.

I spent most of last night looking for the files you asked me to, but could not find them. I am hoping that I just misunderstood the file names or the places you keep things, but I don't think so.

Really, it's not my fault. I thought that the drive causing the problems was an old external drive and not our internal drive, and well, I think I was wrong.

If you cannot find copies in your internet email sent folder, perhaps, your Principal Mr. Whizbang, has not deleted his copies? You do email them to him each week, right? He wouldn't just delete them, would he?

Gulp? Hard thing to ask him for though, I know.

Have you kept paper copies? Yes?

In the classroom?

If so we can scan those (I mean, at home) so that you have a record of what happened, and then move on from there. Because your lesson plans have such simple graphics, it may be able to convert them to text WITHOUT corrective typing! Woo Haa!

I tried to find all of the remaining school-related files and build links to them or move them directly to the main Mac Hard Drive. Then I backed them up on your personal folder on the newer "The Truth" drive which I just renamed.

The "bad" drive has been turned off and should not be a problem again. I mean the old drive. If the Data was eaten by the internal drive we have real problems, but I am now backing up things regularly to "The Truth". Bet you will be glad to know that "The Truth" is out there now. Protecting us, I mean.

If the internal drive on our Mac dies completely, well, getting an internal drive replaced on an 800Mhz G4 iMac, well, we might as well upgrade to one of the new 3 Ghz iMacs for the money we'd spend. But I think we could do it, technically. Let's cross that dual-core when we come to it.

At any rate, so you that you could find files and things more easily, I moved copies of those early lesson plan files for reading and social studies to the hard drive. I could not find any for math and science! But the later ones you wanted were gone. I also built links to the files you have put on all our external drives on the main Mac drive so that you did not have to hunt for them anymore. Your links are all colored red now too so that you can find them easily.

Please don't delete anything without checking with me. Since I started making these links for you files you put on external drives may not really be a copy.....

While searching for your student teacher's book order, I did find a cd on which I had burned all the 2006 files at one point, so perhaps I made a backup earlier in 2007 too, I hope so, I will look for that tomorrow. I remember wanting to last month, I just don't know if I got to it. I slipped and fell down the back stairs just around then so I might have forgotten too.

Oh, on the other topic, I did not find your student teacher's book order in the stack that is now on the floor or the computer table, or the two bins of computer-related output, so don't look there.

I love you!

Peter

(P.S. one of the searches I set up was inside all of the text documents for the the name of your school and that did not pull up any later lesson plans. So I think that is really it. There is a small chance that getting file recovery software might work, but with only a gig left on our main drive the chances that the free space isn't overwritten and trashed regularly is pretty remote.)

They say truth is stranger than fiction. Is "The Truth" really out there, or is this fiction? Only "Peter" and his Teacher Honey know in ... The Peter Files.....

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Welcome to The International School of Skiing Instruction an Adjunct School of The International School of Blog Repair.

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Welcome to The International School of Skiing Instruction an Adjunct School of The International School of Blog Repair.

As The International School of Blog Repair became more popular, we realized that many of our students were using their high salaries from blog repair to go skiing, but found that many facets of skiing, unlike blog repair, were not intuitively obvious to the casual observer.

With that in mind we have culled the experiences of our top Blog Repair School Instructors, some of our best graduates, and other internet resources to provide this free guide for those who contemplate taking up skiing next season.

We strongly feel that the key to success in any undertaking is preparation and so we offer this guide to those who have always wanted to ski like a pro, but have never had the time to learn. Going to a ski resort and learning there is incredibly expensive. But what if you could learn years of lessons in the year before you went up? Why you would save perhaps thousands of dollars and years of time.

This being so, The International School of Blog Repair is also offering a Free Certificate Program in Skiing through its new adjunct The International School of Skiing Instruction.

You might ask, why would we do such a thing? Offer a valuable program like this for free?

First, we want to serve our own Instructors and Graduates. Somehow, those attracted to Blog repair are also attracted to rugged high adventure activities such as skiing, skydiving, scuba diving, and doing their laundry at laundry bar cafes. Who knew?

Next, we are pretty much absolutely unqualified to give out this kind of advice. Skiing seems to make sense to us, so we offer this course to you on a "take this advice completely at your own risk basis".

We feel this is fair because skiing is also a take this at your own risk sort of enterprise and you are free at anytime to say nope - that's just crazy.

Finally, since people who wind up being graduates of our International Blog Repair School tend to like skiing, we hope the reverse is true and that you will consider enrolling there. In the words of the nearly immortal Stan Lee, "Nuff said".

How to become self-certified? Just follow these steps and you will be eligible to claim certification in The Internet School of Skiing Instruction an Adjunct School of the International School of Blog Repair.

The International School of Skiing Instruction
Unqualified Guide to Preparation for Skiing
A Jump Start to Learning to Ski For Next Season
Follow this Advice At Your Own Risk
It was composed by utter Morons
For the Benefit of Future Skiers Please make The International School of Blog Repair or
The Peter Files Blog Your New Insurance Policy Beneficiaries Before You Start Skiing

Now that spring is here, it is s time for potential new skiers to start getting ready for next year's skiing season. I'm not kidding, you'll need the time. Before you know it, next season will be here. You will need lots of preparation to be ready for your first season on the slopes, hence, the following list of helpful exercises to get you prepared.

As far as we can tell, never having skied ourselves, these are THE definitive exercises for those who wish to truly prepare for an aggressive skiing season; ignore them at your peril for they will prepare you both physically and psychologically:

20. Forget that image of the broken-legged skier in the lodge, soaking up the flames and the babes. Once you are lame, they consider you as a lame candidate for romance, unless your watch is a Rolex or better and your car is a Ferrari: they know the difference between the real thing and a knock-off.

You might as well destroy and wardrobe from Sears, Kmart, or Target it this is your plan. Also, there are pictures of all the phony casts made by zip on, zip off cast manufactures in the ladies rooms, so you can forget that angle. A few even have portable x-ray machines stashed in their large purses which they sometimes use to examine more than leg damage! I would explain more but the editor has restrained me from exposing their full tactics as this is supposed to be a safe for family blog.

19. Build a permanent ladder up to the roof of your house. Build a series of rollers down to the ground along one side so that you can practice from rooftop. Important: Your artificial slope MUST extend beyond the ground at the base of your house for at least fifteen feet or an inconvenience will occur that will not be that dissimilar to inconveniences you will experience regularly on the slopes your first few days or weeks depending on your physical strength and agility. Do not try the cross-ski method of stopping on this test slope. It will not work and may lead to significant unplanned vertical lift and descent with added rotation and momentum upon landing.

18. Read the posts on skiing forums that describe different skiing resorts, their facilities, and their training facilities for new skiers. Try to stay away from resorts that cater solely to untrained snow bunnies as these will be too crowded and thus hazardous for your first time efforts. Ignore warnings about dangerous slopes, the lack of easy slopes, and killer descents as these warnings are primarily designed to keep the real snow bunnies away.

Even though this will be your first season on skis, you will not be a snow bunny: You will have completed these exercises making you vastly more prepared for the skiing season. It is worth noting the dates for something called "avalanche season". It is better to avoid skiing in the middle of this time period. Though very scenic snow events can be seen from the safety of the snow lodge at the beginning an end of the season. Be sure to be uphill of the snow lodge during these periods.

17. It is now time to begin serious pre-season conditioning in earnest. This will be challenging. But remember, as with the rugged training given to sword masters of old, while painful, each of these exercises is meant to prepare you and condition your body for the experiences and trauma you may experience on the slopes. Your fist task will be to learn how to roller blade with ski poles until you are skilled enough to grab a woman's purse without being stopped by her boyfriend. Then you must add $50 to the purse, and ski by again to return it without getting caught by said boyfriend or arrested. You must select a girl with a beefy boyfriend and it is wise to pick someone who appears to be unarmed, at least at first. As you get better at this exercise, increase the degree of difficulty by adding a note "Thanks for last night, you were great!" to the cash, and come by a third time after the note has been opened and read and grab a kiss. This will teach you some basics of skiing, the cost of skiing, and the physical cost of making a mistake. It may also get you a new girlfriend. This last possibility may be far more expensive than taking up skiing--you have been warned.

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Then wear them again for an hour or until you lose feeling in one or both hands. Remember not to do heavy work like hammering if your hands seem frozen. While your gloves are being iced up again slowly warm your hands up to avoid gangrene and loss of fingers.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. The mark it leaves will be very similar to the mark left on the head of a skier who passes out in bed after a wild night of partying having forgotten to take of his goggles. If questioned in a ski shop about it during the off season, just mumble something like "Y'know, I'm just trying out the virtual thing, for kicks, y'know". Since the top level virtual thing is primo expensive, this could mark you as a radically rich skier, a rep that could do you well if you meet this person on the slopes later.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. This will help train your eyes to detect clues through the most inclement weather. It will also help you to focus through distractions such as a glue based contact high. Elmer's will not work. Do not do this more than twice. Be sure to put the glue on THE OUTSIDE of the lenses. If you do not know the inside from the outside of the lenses try professional merry-go-rounding instead of skiing. I hear they are considering it as a trial Olympic sport for the 2016 Olympics.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. You'll need the practice. And again-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Knee pads, shoulder pads and helmets are for sniveling rat faced gits and are not allowed.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. If you live in California or Florida please remember that you must use shoes and not sandals or the point of this exercise is lost. If you live in the Third World, please remember that the shoes must be without large holes in them for the same reason. Of course, then step 12 would be impossible for many of you.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. If you do not have a friend willing to do this, show up at a practice at any local high school or college football team and offer your services as what is called a "tackle dummy". Don't worry what a tackle dummy is. As the Jesuits say, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. If the nearest McDonald's never has lines, go to the nearest TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback Steak House, Olive Garden, or any restaurant with lines long enough to have those E.T. light up seating lights that tell you when your table is finally ready, wait for it to light up, then hand it to any "deserving looking" couple or group with $8.50 or more, say, "I want to be like Earl" and leave immediately.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. If you do not have access to a motorcycle, sneak up on top of any large truck at a nearby truck stop that you might be able to clip onto, then raise yourself up once it is going 70 mph for the same experience. Watch out for low overhangs and Smokey. Long jail terms tend to interrupt the training progress.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. If possible, skitch behind the truck by tying a tow line to the back of the truck and let it pull you behind it in the snow. This works best on lonelier highways where you are less likely to be noticed. Short tow ropes help as they will put you right in the path of the most blinding snow. You may wear a little padding here to account for the salt kicked up with the snow. You may also rig a watter bottle feed to your helmet as the salt may make you thirsty. While it is possible to skitch without the tow rope, it is very difficult to do this for longer than an hour in most cases.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. True ski warriors will have several blenders lined up in sequence with the last two having a Diet Coketm and Mentos load to launch a truly awesome spray your way.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. The inner suit should be a wet suit. Practice in or near the tub at first.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. All right, if your thum is leading to a fatal condition you may go to an emergency room obviously, but no visits for pain, cuts, or scratches. Pump up dudes and dudettes.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing, slipping on your ski boots for the first time, ignoring the weather warning, and roaring down the expert hill like 007. Try to avoid acting like 009. (He died in Octopussy in a clown suit. What a humiliating way to go. Not even shaken or stirred.)

Extra credit: Avalanche practice: Go back to the football (or rugby team) and ask the entire team to periodically attempt to pile on you as you race across the field. You and they are not allowed to start until the coach fires a track pistol that simulates that crack that an avalanche makes at the start. You must wear skis, if they catch you they are to pile on you for one hour. Your goal, attempt to keep breathing. Advice: Make this the first exercise of the day so that their need for showers does not asphyxiate you.

If you have taken most of the above steps (really, who could survive them all):

Congratulations! You now are as prepared for your first season of skiing as this course can make you. Take this advice at your own risk! This course is designed only for those who wish to avoid the mundane work of classwork and learn the practical basics of skiing right up front.

This being said you are hereby awarded the certificate:

Junior Associate Cadet Knowledgeable in Acquired Skiing Skills

Add the initials for this certification after your name proudly whenever you wish to show your dedication to skiing or to sport, or are seeking enrollment in The International School of Blog Repair Technicians!


(Our thanks to jokeoftheday.com which provided the framework and original source for the skiing tips in this post which have undergone considerable editing and expansion. These tips have been greatly expanded upon by the Peter Files Blog and integrated into our other humor streams. Again, in case you are truly dense or hung over and missed it. This post is a joke, satire, whatever you call it, DO NOT TRY ANYTHING IN THIS POST! Do not forward this post without this warning!)

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Kids Say the Darndest Things: A Peek Into the Mind of a 2nd Grader Via His U.S. Government Mind Map

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Teaching is undoubtedly the hardest job in the universe. And while things have gotten better in the past few years IMHO, this can be especially true in the Chicago Public Schools. But in any school system kids can be a trial, even a kind of one year sentence, unless the teacher and parents work together creatively using the best new methods to get the minds of young students to blossom.

And so it was that a teacher acquaintance of mine had her second graders work on a Government "Mind Map" this week. For those of you who were educated before the era of mind maps hit the schools, a mind map is a graphic organizer about a topic, such as"Government" where a student puts down ideas about the main concept with pictures and labels, then tries to connect them with lines, for those that relate to each other. At the Second Grade level those lines might only connect to the central topic, but they could also connect to related topics elsewhere on the map. You can also connect ideas by proximity, by placing each other close to each other on the map.

For example, the word "government" might appear in the middle, and pictures of different images related to government might appear all around the page.

This teacher saw lots of examples that did not surprise her, the flag, the White House, a Post Office, A Police Car, a Bald Eagle, A Blad Ealge (this was a second grade assignment after all), the complete text of the pledge of allegiance to the flag, "the mayor" (we just had a mayoral election - Daley won again - no surprise, the city still works), badges, a tank or two, a library, the school, perhaps a few police police cars, the "governor" portrayed as a woman wearing beads - what this says about Rob Blagojevich I can't begin to say, and a teacher, with a pretty good facsimile of the teacher in question.

So where's the humor you say?

Right next to the White House on one mind map was a picture of --

-- a scooter.

When the teacher, trying really hard not to laugh asked the boy, why he had put a "scooter", wheels and all on his mind map he said, "I'm not sure, I've been hearing a lot about a scooter and the President on the news lately. Does he have a son?"

I swear this is a true story. I have seen the mind map with my own eyes. I cannot identify the child who is a minor, I wonder how many other 2nd graders would put a scooter on their own mind maps?

Priesciently, I had made a scooter joke to this same teacher the day before when the mind map assignment topic was brought up.

When this story came out I felt like king of the uninverse.

It could only have been better had the brilliant little rascal had put the scooter behind bars, like in a bicycle rack. But surely that would have been too much to ask for.



Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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