The Peter Files Blog is Back!

Hi there! Wondering where we've been? Sorry for the long absence.

I don't usually talk a lot about myself in this blog, sticking with humor, but this once, I should try to explain where I've been.

One of the things you never see behind a blog like this is the life of the person behind the blog. I've kept that quiet for a number or reasons, spousal request, a desire for privacy, the freedom to make fun of whomever I wanted, but the slow down in posting has gotten so bad compared to early years that it deserves an explanation I think, to those of you who have followed this blog since the beginning.

Sadly, the truth is that this blog started because I became disabled and unable to work at a real job. I'm a chronic pain patient, serious pain, and that does some things that slow my progress here.

The first is that such pain comes with depression and disorganization as a matter of course and that is especially true in my case. So the blog has been helpful to me in chasing those naughty blues away that come with the lifestyle of being in pain constantly.

The second is that the struggle to do even the minimum needed to get through life is draining enough that I don't have the energy I need to get through the normal tasks of life.

In addition, this type of experience tends to be incredibly isolating, and this blog HAS helped to work on that. Some of the comments I have gotten from friends and contributors over time have been quite nice. Thank you all. But, its the nature of this type of blog to get fewer comments than I might get elsewhere. Some of that by choice, because of the psuedo-anonymity I write with. Most of my friends have identified myself pretty easily with the clues I have left for them here.

But the biggest factor, honestly, is that like much of the inter-verse, the universe of the internet, I've been sucked into the world of social networking through Facebook.com at a key time when people my age are the largest joining group of the service.

That's been good for me personally. I am very grateful to Facebook for helping me reconnect with, and improve my connection with almost two hundred people right now that I hold in high esteem and who have been close friends or associates in humor and life over the years. For someone like me, this has been a huge deal. I'm a very social being and in my previous career I worked closely with a couple of dozen people on a weekly basis, but over the course of a year, dealt with several hundred people who I liked, respected, esteemed, and in some cases, held among my closest friends.

My work life was incredibly busy. I had invested most of my being in it with the exception of family life, which got shorter shrift than it should have.

Like many freshly disabled people, it comes as a shock, a great shock, and one that you have to work through. For a long time I let myself believe that I would feel better next week. Surely things would improve, and I would spring back into shape and resume my work and life style. I was deluding myself and it was in the interest of myself to do that because it kept me focused on trying to find a way out of my predicament. Had I had another problem than the one I do, it just might have worked to. Sadly, such did not prove to be the case.

I've learned a lot about pain in the past five years. How much can be endured. What a struggle life is for some, many of whom have it worse than I do. I have a modicum of mobility, I can type and walk or example, where others cannot. One of my cousin's cousin became paraplegic and lost nearly all motor functions.

Another close friend, one of my very best friends in fact, died three years ago in an MS related accident. No warning. Horribly shocking. Then two and a half months later, my mom died, cancer, 10 days from diagnosis to death. The two together were as or more emotionally painful as what I was going through as a result of the injuries I received six and a half years ago. Time flies.

So, this blog has been a great way to chase those naughty blues away, but did not get at my real needs, other than the need to feel productive at something useful to others. Perhaps some day, I could make a career out of it and provide an income stream of sorts.

Well, let me tell you, those ads I put up, don't help much. I still have yet to get a check from Google, though one day I may get enough page views and clicks to generate that first one. Some day. I predict that it will come before 2014 at this rate. Not that I am complaining. I'll take my wife out to dinner on that. Or buy something to keep this computer going. Or just pay my internet bill. (If you really want to help the blog, do your amazon shopping starting here. That is the single thing that could help me do better, just click on the Amazon link first here before you go over.)

Only one of my sisters has used the paypal donate link. I've left it up there though in case there is a foundation that wants to fund my comedy the cheap and easy way.

So, back to where I've been. Well other than sicker. This was a bad winter and in the fall late fall I slipped on the ice behind my car, making my injuries worse and added some new pain. Just great. Wish I had a video of it though. I sure it looked funny as hell making that pratfall YouTube.com worthy had only someone seen it and filmed it.

But the biggest factor has been Facebook, long the bastion only of high school and college students, Facebook has become in the last year flooded with people my age or thereabouts who have discovered that they can post pictures that they can control the privacy of, and create and maintain links with people they care for from far away.

The key element is privacy. If I put up family photos or the like, I can specify that only my family and friends, those I name as "Facebook friends" can see it if I so choose. Each display element has its own setting. I can even have things that only 1 or two people can see if I choose.

What has this meant for me? Connecting with more than a century and a half of old friends, keeping up with some family better, and once in awhile, making new friends. This has had a huge impact on my sense of isolation, for the better. It's been helped by the fact that quite a few old friends have started to catch on and join too.

Last week a friend joined who I used to sit at lunch with and gab through most of high school. We'd drifted apart and I missed him, but as time went on was too lazy or insecure to try to hook up again. Then, joy of joys there was a friend request from him. Amazing. Turns out he's still in town.

Each old connection that I make has helped to heal some of the wounds of lost friends to death of which I have more than I'd like to have had. It took a little prodding and begging, but I got some of my family members to join, giving us a chance to keep up better with what has been going on in their lives and to share the good things that do happen in mine. And that's an important thing. Despite all that I have gone through, life has had some real pleasant moments. Not the kind that you regularly crow at, but, the status messages that say how you are that you can set at will, make those little things news. The system prompts you to update your status with a "Peter is" statement (though you can delete the "is" if you want to.

"I've got a headache but am going to try to sleep it off."

Name "is making his fourth trip to Home (expletive deleted by him) Depot! This is it and he will have new plumbing, trap and faucet for his house."

Name "hopes someone knows a mechanic with a fix-wish to buy my Jeep..."

Name "is midterming. Wonder what the young people have learned thus far."

Name "Coffee..."

Name "is helping save the rainforest on (Lil) Green Patch! (http://apps.facebook.com/greentrees/d.php) -- Join us to help the cause!
2 hours ago - via (Lil) Green Patch"

Name "is ready for today to be over." Better write her a note and see what's up.

Name " is on the way to SNNOOWWBAAALLL!!(:.
Updated via Facebook Mobile"

Name "is in Day 2 of the No Negativity in Lent experiment. Serenity now!"

Name "was thinking that he should take up hunting like Jed Clampet."

Name "is watching Man on a Wire re: wire walking between Twin Towers, great documentary."

Name ""We can make it there slow just like a circus" Britney Spears baby ♥."

Name "is celebrating Losar....(Tibetan new year)...its the year 2135, so remember to date your checks accordingly."

Name "is impressed her son is attempting to speak French."

Name "Now that Mardi Gras has come to an end, it's time to reflect, and to decide that which I must give up for lent? Perhaps scotch? Or tequila?
Updated via Facebook Mobile on Tuesday"

Name "welcomes all former COMIC ASYLUM customers to ALTERNATE REALITY. 111th & Kedzie is not so far from 86th & Cicero!"

Name "is i love you."

Name "hates when he eats Cap'n Crunchberries, the roof of his mouth feels scraped lol." For the record I like Crunchberries, will have to tell my friend to let them soak a little more for softness. LOL


Name "is not able to read your post right now. However, your post is important to him. Please stay online, and he will read it in the order in which it is perceived." Good one!

Name "says please support this education bill http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/BillStatus.asp?DocTypeID=HB&DocNum=1035&GAID=10&SessionID=76&LegID=42707."

Name "is ZZZZZZ".

Name "is hanging w/my sister & niece after seeing Junie B. I'm also geared up & excited to start audtions for "Don't Drink the Water"!!!"

Name "is wondering what Roland Burris' next story will be.
last Friday"

Name " is ready to be at the beach already!" That's one thing about Facebook, you can make friends everywhere through their applications. Sometimes somewhere it is warmer, colder whatever, than you are. That can be good for perspective.

The Facebook privacy issue that hit the news last week has been settled. They announced a return to the original terms of service and promised that they would not make a change like that again and formed a standards committee of members. Good strategy. Because without that reassurance that your messages and data are private as you decide to make them, most of my friends would have left the service.

What Facebook is providing more than anything else is a PRIVATE space to share things, particularly photos. Yes, someone hacking is and sharing things is a small risk, but so far, they seem to be the best there is.

So, that's where I've been. Not just gabbing, but healing as well. And I have to say to my Facebook friends, you have no idea what good you have done for me over the past months. (They will see this if they choose because my blog posts go into my notes section automatically).

That part of me that felt like my past was disintegrating and leaving me in a "Jud-like" lonely room, is gone or at least a lot better, and if I am still not healthy enough to follow up on many of the invitations I have gotten, especially when they are to see plays (I have some great actor friends) that I may or may not have the energy for at the last minute (usually not, sadly), I appreciate them like nothing you have ever seen.

I feel much less isolated. For someone in my position, that is a tremendous thing. Reconnecting with some of the people who I care about is a wonderful, wonderful thing. And through their genealogy application I have been getting to know a lot of cousins I don't know well, (2nd cousins mostly, but still relations I wish I had known years ago.)

This is a great thing. But it has been time consuming and I have left the blog to spin in the wind a little. So, I am going to make an effort to try to post something here at least twice a week. Maybe a little more. Now that the election is past, my need to rant has quelled, and so other than a few irresistibly pokes at some of my local Chicago political players that are in the media now, I will try to lay off the political ranting for awhile. If I can stand to, I am from Illinois after all. But then Blago and company are such easy targets, it hardly seems worth the effort.

Finally, I will be trying in fits and starts to revamp the look of this blog. If you come here and things look strange, don't worry, they will look better soon. I just need to get converted to the new system and I have done so much customizing of my blog that it is hard to do that easily.

So, that's my view on the state of Facebook. I like it. I am using it. I feel good about it.

I think if you have a lot of distant connections you'd like to keep up with, or are nearly house-bound, you will love it too.

And for those who have kept checking back the last few months. Thank you ever so much! Even those who found themselves here by accident had lots of things to read in the archives. Try them, you'll like them!

Oh, better late than never.

The last night for AUDITIONS for S.T.A.R. Productions'The Makeover is tonight.

Here's the rest of the info, and apoligies to Laurie that this is so late. But at least this is advance notice of what I am sure will be a great show.

Audition Information
Auditions for our next production, The Makeover (a comedy/drama published by Samuel French just six months ago), will be held at Home Auditorium (address above) on the following night:

Thursday
Feb 26, 2009
7 - 9:30 PM

I assume the auditions are in their performance space, but you might want to call Laurie to find out.

PERFORMANCE SPACE:
Home Auditorium
4400 S Home Ave
(7000 west,
a few blocks east of Harlem)
Stickney, Illinois

MAILING ADDRESS:
S.T.A.R.
3637 W 51st St
Chicago IL 60632

(312) 802-8020

Auditionees are welcome at any time during advertised hours on either or both days. Please arrive no later than 8:30 pm to allow time to read with other actors. Most people tend to come on one of the scheduled days and stay until auditions are over. There will be cold readings from the script; monologues are not required. This play was just published, so it's not yet available online or from the library. It will be directed by Leo Rokicki and Laurie Reyna. For more information, call Laurie at (773) 585-5852.

Performance Dates
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Sunday, May 3 (matinee)
Friday, May 8
Saturday, May 9

The Makeover
By Patsy Hester Daussat

It's a typical Saturday evening as Mike and Melanie play games with their best friends, Victor and Paula. They have been neighbors for years, and their sons, who are friends, are both home from college for the summer. Little does Melanie know that her happy, comfortable world will soon be thrown into turmoil. Mike has sent a letter to Facing Facts, Melanie and Paula's favorite reality TV show. He believes Melanie, who has gained weight over the years, would be thrilled to have a makeover at Facing Facts' fabulous spa. After all, she and Paula rave about it. Unfortunately, every Monday night when Melanie and Paula watch the show, their husbands leave to play baseball. Poor Mike is clueless about the show's cruel, ratings-hungry host, Frances Montgomery, who thrives on humiliating those who are ambushed on the show. When the Facing Facts crew descends at her door, Melanie endures a disastrous ambush. Afterwards, she cannot understand why Mike would subject her to national humiliation. Melanie tells him to be out of the house when she returns from the spa. Mike is hopeful that she will change her mind, but things only get worse the evening Melanie returns. Frances not only belittles Melanie again, she sets her sights on an oblivious Mike. Melanie finally explodes, throwing the Facing Facts crew out of her house, along with Mike. Events in the days that follow bring Melanie to realizations about herself and the important things in life.

Character Descriptions
(Age ranges listed refer to what the actor should portray,
not the actor's actual age.)

Roles for Women

Melanie Barnsworth, 40s-50s, an attractive, middle-class, happily married "domestic engineer" who is padded to look heavier in the first act. She is fun-loving, but has not completely come to terms with her weight issue.

Paula Giacobi, 40s-50s, Melanie's best friend and neighbor, who is a thin, attractive "domestic engineer." She is no-nonsense, but has a nurturing, comforting side.

Frances Montgomery, 30s-50s, the haughty, snobby, attractive (surgically enhanced), thin, flamboyant host of Facing Facts, an ambush reality TV show. She has a patronizing, friendly attitude on the air, but is rude and selfish off the air (except to Mike).

Monica, college-age, Frances' cute assistant and Keith's love interest. She is energetic, a bit eccentric, and very patient (she has to be to work with Frances). She will speak her mind, though.

Roles for Men

Mike Barnsworth, 40s-50s, Melanie's handsome, fit husband, who works in an office. He loves his wife and is understanding, but he's sometimes oblivious and doesn't always listen.

Victor Giacobi, 40s-50s, Paula's husband and Mike's best friend, who owns a small construction company. Despite a bit of a paunch, he is fairly attractive. He is comical, but is sometimes overly flirtatious and can be abrasive.

Keith Barnsworth, Melanie and Mike's son who is home from college for the summer. He is studying to be an architect. He's the boy-next-door type, but he is not perfect. He has a loving and caring relationship with his parents.

Ricky Giacobi, Paula and Victor's college-age son and Keith's best friend. He is more of a free spirit than Keith, and he's unconventional. He is studying psychology. He and his mother are very close. He cares about his father, but they are not as close.

Role for Either Gender

Boz, 18-65, the camera-operator. This is an average-size role with specific actions, but few lines.

Again, the last night of auditions is TONIGHT Thursday 2/26/09, 7-9:30pm. See http://ChicagoSTAR.org/audition for details...

That's all folks!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Reworking the Peter Files Blog of Comedy YouTube.com Focused Automatic Video Feed

After feedback from my most frequent readers (family members, bar patrons and hobos with T1 connections) I have made several changes to the way the automatic stream of YouTube.com videos stream to The Peter Files Blog of Comedy.

Before changing the content stream formula, I started by editing my blog template to move the video window to after title and the text in each post to make it easier for subscribers and regular readers to skip the videos and get right into the original content of the blog.

I then went to YouTube.com and changed the key words that triggered the videos streamed here from a list of random comedy key words to a list of comedy celebrities that I knew had content on YouTube.

Oddly this has resulted in an almost unanimous stream of Obama Girl - Amber Lee Ettinger videos, despite her presence near the end of the list. (see below) Perhaps it is the huge interest in the election, or her own huge popularity, but I find it odd that call for Obama girl videos is eclipsing the likes of Robin Williams, Billy Crystal and the others on the list. While I certainly don't mind all the cute videos, all the political videos was not what I had in mind for this spot, and I wanted to mention that and thought I would let you know that I am trying to fix this.

Here's my original source list:

"Robin Williams" "Danny Divito" "Bob Newhart" "Billy Crystal" "Dick Van Dyke" "Mark Twain" "David Letterman" "Jay Leno" "Rob Reiner" "Diet Coke and Mentos" "Hayden" "Christina Applegate" "Cheerleaders" "Obama Girl" "Buffy and Dawn" "most viewed comedy ever"

I'm obvioulsy going to have to edit this list some how! Check the videos later to see how/if I suceeded.

Everybody laughs at kumquats! Why is that?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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===> We love comments about our posts good or bad!

Please make comments by clicking on the word "Comments"!

Click on the Envelope to forward posts to your friends! Thank you! The staff.

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Welcome to The International School of Skiing Instruction an Adjunct School of The International School of Blog Repair.

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Welcome to The International School of Skiing Instruction an Adjunct School of The International School of Blog Repair.

As The International School of Blog Repair became more popular, we realized that many of our students were using their high salaries from blog repair to go skiing, but found that many facets of skiing, unlike blog repair, were not intuitively obvious to the casual observer.

With that in mind we have culled the experiences of our top Blog Repair School Instructors, some of our best graduates, and other internet resources to provide this free guide for those who contemplate taking up skiing next season.

We strongly feel that the key to success in any undertaking is preparation and so we offer this guide to those who have always wanted to ski like a pro, but have never had the time to learn. Going to a ski resort and learning there is incredibly expensive. But what if you could learn years of lessons in the year before you went up? Why you would save perhaps thousands of dollars and years of time.

This being so, The International School of Blog Repair is also offering a Free Certificate Program in Skiing through its new adjunct The International School of Skiing Instruction.

You might ask, why would we do such a thing? Offer a valuable program like this for free?

First, we want to serve our own Instructors and Graduates. Somehow, those attracted to Blog repair are also attracted to rugged high adventure activities such as skiing, skydiving, scuba diving, and doing their laundry at laundry bar cafes. Who knew?

Next, we are pretty much absolutely unqualified to give out this kind of advice. Skiing seems to make sense to us, so we offer this course to you on a "take this advice completely at your own risk basis".

We feel this is fair because skiing is also a take this at your own risk sort of enterprise and you are free at anytime to say nope - that's just crazy.

Finally, since people who wind up being graduates of our International Blog Repair School tend to like skiing, we hope the reverse is true and that you will consider enrolling there. In the words of the nearly immortal Stan Lee, "Nuff said".

How to become self-certified? Just follow these steps and you will be eligible to claim certification in The Internet School of Skiing Instruction an Adjunct School of the International School of Blog Repair.

The International School of Skiing Instruction
Unqualified Guide to Preparation for Skiing
A Jump Start to Learning to Ski For Next Season
Follow this Advice At Your Own Risk
It was composed by utter Morons
For the Benefit of Future Skiers Please make The International School of Blog Repair or
The Peter Files Blog Your New Insurance Policy Beneficiaries Before You Start Skiing

Now that spring is here, it is s time for potential new skiers to start getting ready for next year's skiing season. I'm not kidding, you'll need the time. Before you know it, next season will be here. You will need lots of preparation to be ready for your first season on the slopes, hence, the following list of helpful exercises to get you prepared.

As far as we can tell, never having skied ourselves, these are THE definitive exercises for those who wish to truly prepare for an aggressive skiing season; ignore them at your peril for they will prepare you both physically and psychologically:

20. Forget that image of the broken-legged skier in the lodge, soaking up the flames and the babes. Once you are lame, they consider you as a lame candidate for romance, unless your watch is a Rolex or better and your car is a Ferrari: they know the difference between the real thing and a knock-off.

You might as well destroy and wardrobe from Sears, Kmart, or Target it this is your plan. Also, there are pictures of all the phony casts made by zip on, zip off cast manufactures in the ladies rooms, so you can forget that angle. A few even have portable x-ray machines stashed in their large purses which they sometimes use to examine more than leg damage! I would explain more but the editor has restrained me from exposing their full tactics as this is supposed to be a safe for family blog.

19. Build a permanent ladder up to the roof of your house. Build a series of rollers down to the ground along one side so that you can practice from rooftop. Important: Your artificial slope MUST extend beyond the ground at the base of your house for at least fifteen feet or an inconvenience will occur that will not be that dissimilar to inconveniences you will experience regularly on the slopes your first few days or weeks depending on your physical strength and agility. Do not try the cross-ski method of stopping on this test slope. It will not work and may lead to significant unplanned vertical lift and descent with added rotation and momentum upon landing.

18. Read the posts on skiing forums that describe different skiing resorts, their facilities, and their training facilities for new skiers. Try to stay away from resorts that cater solely to untrained snow bunnies as these will be too crowded and thus hazardous for your first time efforts. Ignore warnings about dangerous slopes, the lack of easy slopes, and killer descents as these warnings are primarily designed to keep the real snow bunnies away.

Even though this will be your first season on skis, you will not be a snow bunny: You will have completed these exercises making you vastly more prepared for the skiing season. It is worth noting the dates for something called "avalanche season". It is better to avoid skiing in the middle of this time period. Though very scenic snow events can be seen from the safety of the snow lodge at the beginning an end of the season. Be sure to be uphill of the snow lodge during these periods.

17. It is now time to begin serious pre-season conditioning in earnest. This will be challenging. But remember, as with the rugged training given to sword masters of old, while painful, each of these exercises is meant to prepare you and condition your body for the experiences and trauma you may experience on the slopes. Your fist task will be to learn how to roller blade with ski poles until you are skilled enough to grab a woman's purse without being stopped by her boyfriend. Then you must add $50 to the purse, and ski by again to return it without getting caught by said boyfriend or arrested. You must select a girl with a beefy boyfriend and it is wise to pick someone who appears to be unarmed, at least at first. As you get better at this exercise, increase the degree of difficulty by adding a note "Thanks for last night, you were great!" to the cash, and come by a third time after the note has been opened and read and grab a kiss. This will teach you some basics of skiing, the cost of skiing, and the physical cost of making a mistake. It may also get you a new girlfriend. This last possibility may be far more expensive than taking up skiing--you have been warned.

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Then wear them again for an hour or until you lose feeling in one or both hands. Remember not to do heavy work like hammering if your hands seem frozen. While your gloves are being iced up again slowly warm your hands up to avoid gangrene and loss of fingers.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. The mark it leaves will be very similar to the mark left on the head of a skier who passes out in bed after a wild night of partying having forgotten to take of his goggles. If questioned in a ski shop about it during the off season, just mumble something like "Y'know, I'm just trying out the virtual thing, for kicks, y'know". Since the top level virtual thing is primo expensive, this could mark you as a radically rich skier, a rep that could do you well if you meet this person on the slopes later.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. This will help train your eyes to detect clues through the most inclement weather. It will also help you to focus through distractions such as a glue based contact high. Elmer's will not work. Do not do this more than twice. Be sure to put the glue on THE OUTSIDE of the lenses. If you do not know the inside from the outside of the lenses try professional merry-go-rounding instead of skiing. I hear they are considering it as a trial Olympic sport for the 2016 Olympics.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. You'll need the practice. And again-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Knee pads, shoulder pads and helmets are for sniveling rat faced gits and are not allowed.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. If you live in California or Florida please remember that you must use shoes and not sandals or the point of this exercise is lost. If you live in the Third World, please remember that the shoes must be without large holes in them for the same reason. Of course, then step 12 would be impossible for many of you.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. If you do not have a friend willing to do this, show up at a practice at any local high school or college football team and offer your services as what is called a "tackle dummy". Don't worry what a tackle dummy is. As the Jesuits say, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. If the nearest McDonald's never has lines, go to the nearest TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback Steak House, Olive Garden, or any restaurant with lines long enough to have those E.T. light up seating lights that tell you when your table is finally ready, wait for it to light up, then hand it to any "deserving looking" couple or group with $8.50 or more, say, "I want to be like Earl" and leave immediately.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. If you do not have access to a motorcycle, sneak up on top of any large truck at a nearby truck stop that you might be able to clip onto, then raise yourself up once it is going 70 mph for the same experience. Watch out for low overhangs and Smokey. Long jail terms tend to interrupt the training progress.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. If possible, skitch behind the truck by tying a tow line to the back of the truck and let it pull you behind it in the snow. This works best on lonelier highways where you are less likely to be noticed. Short tow ropes help as they will put you right in the path of the most blinding snow. You may wear a little padding here to account for the salt kicked up with the snow. You may also rig a watter bottle feed to your helmet as the salt may make you thirsty. While it is possible to skitch without the tow rope, it is very difficult to do this for longer than an hour in most cases.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. True ski warriors will have several blenders lined up in sequence with the last two having a Diet Coketm and Mentos load to launch a truly awesome spray your way.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. The inner suit should be a wet suit. Practice in or near the tub at first.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. All right, if your thum is leading to a fatal condition you may go to an emergency room obviously, but no visits for pain, cuts, or scratches. Pump up dudes and dudettes.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing, slipping on your ski boots for the first time, ignoring the weather warning, and roaring down the expert hill like 007. Try to avoid acting like 009. (He died in Octopussy in a clown suit. What a humiliating way to go. Not even shaken or stirred.)

Extra credit: Avalanche practice: Go back to the football (or rugby team) and ask the entire team to periodically attempt to pile on you as you race across the field. You and they are not allowed to start until the coach fires a track pistol that simulates that crack that an avalanche makes at the start. You must wear skis, if they catch you they are to pile on you for one hour. Your goal, attempt to keep breathing. Advice: Make this the first exercise of the day so that their need for showers does not asphyxiate you.

If you have taken most of the above steps (really, who could survive them all):

Congratulations! You now are as prepared for your first season of skiing as this course can make you. Take this advice at your own risk! This course is designed only for those who wish to avoid the mundane work of classwork and learn the practical basics of skiing right up front.

This being said you are hereby awarded the certificate:

Junior Associate Cadet Knowledgeable in Acquired Skiing Skills

Add the initials for this certification after your name proudly whenever you wish to show your dedication to skiing or to sport, or are seeking enrollment in The International School of Blog Repair Technicians!


(Our thanks to jokeoftheday.com which provided the framework and original source for the skiing tips in this post which have undergone considerable editing and expansion. These tips have been greatly expanded upon by the Peter Files Blog and integrated into our other humor streams. Again, in case you are truly dense or hung over and missed it. This post is a joke, satire, whatever you call it, DO NOT TRY ANYTHING IN THIS POST! Do not forward this post without this warning!)

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!

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