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Monday, October 15, 2007

Jeff Foxworthy and Me on Chicago

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This starts as another forwarded email from my friend Debbie Z. but I can't help adding a few of my own.

Jeff Foxworthy is known as a Redneck Comedian, but as anyone knows, comedians have to travel all over the country going from place to place with their act. In doing so they must form impressions of the towns they visit, and of course a big Theater and Comedy town is Chicago.

Normally, I would hesitate about quoting more than a few lines from anyone's act, but it is clear that these lines have already been heavily circulated, and, civic pride, being from Chicago, suggests that I should use them as an advertisement for Jeff and his work. So, if you like his jokes, see Jeff the next time he comes to your town, or use the Amazon search box to look for his books and CD's and buy one!

This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Chicago

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Chicago.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend, you live in Chicago.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago .

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Chicago.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you
live in Chicago.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live
in Chicago.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Chicago.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Chicago.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Chicago.

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Chicago.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward this post to all your Chicago friends & others, you live or have lived in Chicago.

For a Southerner, Jeff has observed an awful lot of true things about Chicago, though certain of them (Halloween Snowsuits) may be just as valid in Minnesota or (speed driving) Detroit.

How Peter's Comments On Chicago
If you can tell which side of town you are on by the color of the baseball shirts you see on the street, you know you are in Chicago (Black and White = White Sox = South Side, Blue and Red = Cubs = North Side).
If you hear people in bars who really believe the Cubs will win the World Series this year as early as April 1st, you know that you are in Chicago.
If you hear people, including non-Catholics, describe where they live by what parish they live in, you know that you are in Chicago (this is less true than it used to be.)
If you know that on Election Day, that your chances of getting a ticket, except for DUI are close to zero, you know you are in Chicago.
If you know that the day after Election Day, that your chances of getting a ticket are the worst they could possibly be, you know that you live in Chicago.
If you know that the best weeks to ask your Alderman for a replacement garbage can (or any other favor) are the two weeks before an election, you could live anywhere, but you'll probably get the garbage can in Chicago. (We use special ones that the City supplies that have lift hooks for the trucks.)
If you see lots of cars that have mastered the rolling stop at a stop sign, you know you are in Chicago.
If you notice that no one, not a single car, never, ever, ever, ever, stops at the bottom of the expressway ramp to wait for a good time to merge into traffic, you know you are in Chicago.
If merging into traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway feels like coming onto the track in Indianapolis or LeMans without benefit of a yellow flag, you know you are in Chicago on a weekend.
If merging into traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway feels like entering traffic in a parking lot, you know that you are entering the Dan Ryan during Rush Hour in Chicago.
If traffic in one lane on the expressway accelerates from 3 mph to 80 then stops without warning after about three blocks as a car from another lane pulls into your lane, you are having a typical driving experience in Chicago.
If on the first night of snow, you see cars speed by you at 70 or 80 miles per hour, spin out as you pass them on the expressway only to have them pass you again at 70 or 80 only to have you pass them again going 30, and so on until they are arrested for driving faster than conditions, then you know you are driving on the wrong night in Chicago. Other than the profane words for these drivers, we have another term for them - out-of-towners.
If you start talking about a "Subway" series before the All Star break, you can only be from Chicago. If you know that the Subway in question is the Red Line, you actually live in the city or did once.
If you see a major river running backwards and actually dyed green, you know that you are in Chicago, near St. Patrick's day.
If you have ever taken CTA Blue Line from O'Hare, or the Orange Line from Midway, to Downtown, you are not only from Chicago or a frequent visitor, but you saved at least $27 and half an hour in travel time watching stalled traffic and cabs on the Kennedy. You are also really smart if you know this, are from out of town, and are traveling on a per diem expense account.
If you can gorge yourself on just about any kind of food imaginable, at a higher quality than just about anywhere, you know you are in Chicago. (Our pizza is better than New York's so we win!)
If your buses are so friendly that they announce the stops for you, and you can understand them, you know you are in Chicago.
If you can spend the whole day riding EL and Subway trains, moving from one line to another making free transfers across more than 300 miles of track on a single fare, you know you are in Chicago. Just don't leave the paid area and study the maps carefully!
If you lose your wallet and someone returns it to you with everything in it, including all of the cash, you could ONLY be in Chicago. (Happened to me twice. Once it was a cab driver from a Muslim country. Both refused any payment! Swear that this is the truth!)
If the a city spent millions reinforcing an underground parking garage to support a giant silver reflecting Jelly Bean, but was so cool once it was up that it seemed worth it, then you know you are in Chicago.
If you walk around the City and neighborhoods and on each and every block you see all kinds of different and wonderful architecture, you know you are in Chicago and you are very, very tempted to move here.
If someone goes on and on and on about how great his city is, they are probably from Chicago.
Well that's my list. I could add more. A Taste for Italian Ice. Italian Beef. All sorts of things. But I am a Chicago fan. Hey even as a die hard Sox fan who wrote that crazy song, I still wish the Cubs had gone all the way. The fans deserved it. Maybe next year. We'll see how the teams look in April...

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The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
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1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting this. Brings back a lot of memories! How about adding: if you're driving on a main thoroughfare and you're seeing gigantic potholes, that look as though giant mutant drugged rats have been gnawing on the asphalt, you're in Chicago, on Lake Shore Drive. I wish I could see that giant silver Jelly Bean in person, I've got a picture of it for wallpaper that I got off webshots.com. One of these days I'll get back out there for some real Chicago deep-dish pizza, and I'll bring my family to share it. kcn

10/16/2007 5:01 PM  

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