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Sunday, March 20, 2005

Internet Humor

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I am not going to bother commenting much on how forwarding jokes over the internet has replaced taking the time to think about and write actual letters to your friends.

Nor, am I going to talk about how posting a few of the better jokes I have received in my mail lately might replace actual blog content. Though since I have two posts up already today I think that's a moot point.

If I'd written about cows it would have been a mooed point.

Now that's a pun, not a joke.

In posting these, I have to say that I have no idea what the original source was. So if there is a copyright holder out there who spots his work on this blog and objects to it being here, that goes for any post by the way, just make a comment which will go into my in-box, and I will handle it asap.

My goal is to inform, satarize and entertain and to lead people to the original sources of things so that they can read on do more reading of the original author's work, not just use it myself. So let me know, so I can replace the material with a link to your website instead.

Also, while I don't post really bad material, or at least what I consider really bad material, and who am I to judge, I will allow a certain amount of bad taste to creep into some longer humorous posts. Please don't be offended if this is the case, I am not advocating that point of view, just not deleting, mostly, borderline, non-PC material. Since I am a Mac person, a little non-PC material makes sense.

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Joke 1 - With Thanks to TB

*************************************************

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO


Alabama - Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona - But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas - Literacy Ain't Everything.

California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It - Yet.

Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois - Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana - We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine - We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan - First Line Of Defense - From The Canadians

Minnesota - Land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada - Hookers and Poker - Leave Everything Here but the Doctor Bills!

New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal

Rhode Island - We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State

Texas - Se Hablo Ingles? Mi es Republicano?

Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont - Ay, Yep

Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington - We have more rain than you do

West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

District of Columbia - Where Trillions are Spent While the Needy Nearby Go Unnoticed

*******************************************************

Oops. A little social commentary slipped into the end of that last joke. At least WMATA is SMATA. But then Congressional staff ride that don't they?

*******************************************************

Joke Series Number 2 - With Thanks to MS and TB who sent me different versions

*******************************************************

The phone rang.

The lady of the house answered ~ "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell
which your husband's is."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

*******************************************************

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

*******************************************************

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if
he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and on of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin'
bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman
said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that good Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls
must be dying.

*************************************

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here
that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

***************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

*************************************************

Thanks to MS for this One

*************************************************

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching
for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping
down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

*************************************************

That's enough for this post!


Peter

















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