Just in case you wondered whether we've fallen off a cliff or something: Just about.
It wasn't quite that exciting, but if the words torn rotator cuff fill you with horror at the image of physical pain involved - you're in the right ballpark.
We, that is I, haven't been able to type for awhile. Makes doing a comedy blog hard. Still in the oochie, owie, yowie, oh mama stage too.
But I've stopped thumb sucking long enough to tell you that we should have some kind of content again soon.
Well today. Right now.
Q; How many people with torn rotator cuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb. A: Ow! Ow! Up? Nooooo!
Q: What's a torn rotator cuff? A: That tendon in the shoulder that helps your arm move everywhere? That's the sucker. And when it gets torn, every time your arm tries to move anywhere... Owww. Owww. Owww. Owww.
Q: How long will it hurt? A: Until the end of time. *Sob* Bleat. Moan.
Q: Not really? A: No it just feels like forever. Now get out of my way I need stiff drink. Q: You can't have anything stiff to drink unless you want to wind up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson.
Q: What do Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They probably had torn shoulder rotator cuffs. Q: Not really? A: No it just felt like they were being skewered on a hot poker for months at a time. What do I know, I stopped making sense months ago. Owwww!
Q: Don't they have medicine for that? A: You believe in the tooth fairy don't you? Q: There is medicine for everything else isn't there? A: Most doctors think a lot of pain is good for you, keeps you conscious enough to pay their bills.
Q: What does having a torn rotator cuff make you feel like? A: Like trying out a nice simple home amputation.
Q: Do you feel better after the operation? A: Everyone feels better after a good amputation.
Q: No I mean the rotator cuff surgery. A: No, you feel worse for a really long time, then you start to get a little better, like a snail on sleeping pills is faster. Till eventually, you feel as bad as when you went in for the surgery in the first place.
Q: Then finally you start to feel better! A: I'll let you know a year from now.
Q: When you are done will you be able to pitch for the Chicago White Sox? A: Can't fool me! Everyone knows that the only team that hires pitchers with actively torn rotator cuff is the Chicago Cubs.
Q: Is it a messy operation? A: No, my doctor looked very clean afterwards I am told. I was also told that my surgery went well despite their finding a tear the size of the Grand Canyon. Truly, the operation itself was the best part. They just woke me up too soon, six months too soon.
Q; How is the physical therapy going? A: Ever seen a late night horror film?
Q: Surely you are exaggerating. A: OWW! OWW! Three Four. OWW OWW Seven Eight. My physical therapist is a nice guy who says its going well, I just have to be very patient. In fact, I'm going to be patient, a patient for months and months.
Q: If you knew it was going to be this bad, why did you have the operation? A: They ALL LIED TO ME and said it wouldn't be too bad. Liars! Liars! Pants on fire all over the region. What could I do, they told me it would be no fun but the alternative was chewing my arm off. I don't think I taste that good.
Q: Any other benefits to the surgery? A: A nice long juicy SCAR instead of the little holes they said would be there for arthroscopic surgery. I think I'm going to tell people I was in knife fight saving a teenage girl from a street gang when I got it. At least it is a nice straight scar. Good Doctor. Sit. Heel.
Q: Would you have the surgery again? A: Yes. No way around it.
Q: Was all that whining even close to the truth? A: Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
Well I feel much better. If you are contemplating rotator cuff surgery you should know how much better you will feel when it is all fixed and you are back to normal. Really, they tell me this. Repeatedly, so it must be true. Sigh.
Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
Hard as it may be to believe, the dangers of lead in bullets to small children in the home have been overlooked until now.
Here with the details of the "Lead Bullet Recall" is Special Reporter Megan from the "News for Blonds" news team.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
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Once upon a time, there were two girls, Mary and Anne, who were signed up for dancing lessons at the local park of the Chicago Park District.
The girls thought this was a wonderful idea, not so much because of their love of dance, but because it got them out of the house two or three times a week for at least an hour when they might otherwise be forced to do homework, or chores, or laundry or such, being from a large family, there was a great deal of laundry or such that they were chained to like dwarves in a Grimms fairy tale, not the nice French kind.
Unlike those in suburban households, where children live on cul-de-sacs and must be driven everywhere, Mary and Anne had the option of either walking or riding their bikes to dancing lessons. I say option, but the truth of it was that in general, no car was available anyway for the trip.
This was not really a burden, because the park's field house was really only a long block down their street, another very short block to the stop light. A few feet to the driveway for the park, and a few more feet to the door of the Park District field house where the dancing lessons were held. A trip of less than 10 minutes, unless, unless, well, we'll get to that, for that's the story.
As a Chicago Park District program, the lessons were free of course, the costumes for the end of the class show were to be provided by the class member's families. Remember this point. It comes into the story later.
Mary and Anne were from a large family for the time, six in, say 1975, when Anne might have been in, at best 3rd or 4th grade, at best, and Mary would have been in 5th or 6th grade, at best, but certainly with a better sense of consequences than Anne. Mary also had perhaps, a little more interest in dancing.
For you see, on that short trip from their house to the dancing class their was, a potential for - diversion! Yes, diversion I tell you!
And this diversion took the form of the home of the two girls' true and dear friends' Ann and Peggy. Ann was Mary's age and Peggy was Anne's age, or a little younger.
Now this is a true story and the names have not been changed to protect the innocent, or not so innocent in this case. So we must bear with a little confusion. Anne lives in the house up the hill a little and takes dancing lessons with Mary. Well, she is supposed to take dancing lessons with Mary. Ann lives in the house down the hill at the end of the long block on the corner that Mary and Anne are supposed to pass on the way to dancing lessons and not enter once the have turned the corner and are just out of sight of their mother, who I will call simply "Mom".
I think, given that I have revealed already that this is a true story that it would be just too much to reveal whether I called this woman "Mom" in those days too, as it would rip away any semblance or pretense of anonymity that the characters Anne, Mary, Ann and Peggy might have as the story goes on.
You can grant me that can't you?
So, to Anne's credit, she did attend the very first dance class with Mary. She absolutely did. She met the dancing teacher. She learned some dance moves. She lined up with the other girls and listened to them start to follow the teacher's movements as so many classes each fall had to the ever so moving and thrilling strains of that thrilling popular tune Alley Cat.
And Anne was indeed moved. It is indeed unfortunate that history does not record Anne's comments to Mary about the class she had just attended on the way back home, because Anne is one of the naturally funniest people in the universe. Especially, especially, when she has an audience capable of understanding her special blend of irony and wit.
If they, and the temptation by now would have been irresistible, stopped at the home of Ann and Peggy to describe exactly how strange their dance class experience had been, and they would have stopped in any case to avoid getting home early enough to get drafted into making one of the delegate-able typical Irish-American dinners so popular with their mother (such as kraft dinner and hot dogs, or roast chicken, onion salt and green beans (salt on the chicken before roasting), or broiled hamburgers, baked fries, and applesauce, or, a ham slice, corn, and another boiled veggie (ever wonder why PBS has never featured a series called "The Great Cooks of Ireland?))
Fortunately, there is no need for historical veracity here:
Anne: That is the stupidest thing I have ever done. Mary: You mean intentionally. Anne: You agreed not to bring up the time I let Anna cut my hair ever again! Mary: And you believed me? Anne: I believed that these dancing lessons might be good for something, so far all they are good for is getting us out of the house. O.K. that is something. Mary: Look, its just the first day, things will get better. Anne: Things will NOT get better. Did you hear that song they had us dancing to? I think I heard it at a funeral once. And Mom is supposed to make part of our costume. you trust her to do that? Mom can not sew. Mary: That's just a practice song. No way will we be doing it for the final recital. Besides, we'll get Grandma to do the sewing. Anne: Like she has time after cleaning up after 9 cats, 3 St. Bernards, a mangy Collie, and Grandpa. Mary: The cats don't count, they live under the front porch, Aunt Sally & Aunt Laura help with the dogs, and Grandpa is self-cleaning and still works. She only has to sew on some reindeer tails and there are three months to go. Anne: Maybe, I'll go again, but you better not tell anyone at school that I'm in it and if I don't go anymore you better not tell Mom! Mary: You're kidding right? I would never violate The Code!
The Code: Survival among the siblings created the code and caused the defeat and retreat of many a babysitter who hoped to threaten them into submission.
Simply put: Though shalt not squeal. Whenever possible, though shalt not cause the wrath of parental units to descend upon us. If such should befall you Though shall do your best to take it for the team.
The effect: For Mary, Anne and their siblings, adult wrath of all kinds was avoided. This also made them popular with the friends to whom they extended this treatment.
Somehow though, Anne never made it back to dancing class. Instead she stopped a Peggy's house and played with Ann and Peggy and Mary would tell her about what happened at dance class. As the weeks went by Anne's worst suspicions were confirmed.
There was no new music. They would have one number in the Christmas show. They would be dancing reindeer. The curtain would open and they would do a simple number where they danced in circles and from side to side in reindeer costumes to the tune of "Alley Cat".
What "Alley Cat" had to do with Christmas neither of the girls could figure out. Their best bet was that the show was originally a Halloween show that had been pushed back to Christmas, but that while the costumes were changed, the music was not because the de-dee-dee de de de de dee de de beat of Alley Cat was impossible for young dancers NOT to hear.
Also, the girls, any boys in the class dropped out within two classes, usually, had only to change from buying black leotards to brown leotards and from making long cat tails to short reindeer tails. The noses were painted on about the same, except for those who wanted to do gender crossing and pretend to be Rudolph.
Through all of this time, Anne remained unconcerned about the number of practices she was missing. Sometimes at Ann and Peggy's house she would ask Mary to run through the steps and Mary would make it looks so easy that Anne thought, shoot, I can do that, say "Thanks, I can catch up if I have to" and go back to playing with Peggy.
Mary: Ann, I'm worried about Anne, she's not worried at all that my Mom and Dad are going to figure out that she's not going to class. Ann: Well, why should she worry? They're not going to see her dance, so what's the problem. She just gets sick on show night and that's it. Mary: That won't work! My Mom and Dad will feel like they'll have to apologize that she didn't make it, and after making that costume, Mom just might Make her go thinking its just stage fright. Ann: You'd better make her go to a few practices. Mary: I think she's scared that she's missed so many they won't let her come back and will call home. Ann: Oops. So She's going to have to just show up for the show and fake it? Mary: Yes. Ann: Well, don't tell her beforehand, but look for us in the top row, he he. Mary: No! Ann: If you think I'm going to miss this. This will be better than the hair cutting incident.
Just like in a fairy tale things got worse. Grandma had to visit a sick relative. Mom had to buy the leotards and came back with black ones. Then made the reindeer tails without actually looking at a picture. She made them out of stockings. Fortunately, the reindeer antlers were purchased. Nonetheless the afternoon before the show, the girls were shown the leotards with tails permanently sewn on.
They screamed in horror. Windows broke for blocks around.
The local news attributed it to a weather anomaly.
Anne: Mom! Those aren't Reindeer tails, those are Rat tails! We'll look like Mutant Rat-Reindeer. We're supposed to have cute white tails. (Almost crying.) Marye: Mom! You've got to fix them. Ann's right! These are awful. Mom: But Reindeer are like horses, don't horses have long tails! Mary: Not LONG THIN RAT TAILS! Besides, Santa's Reindeer have cute white cotton tails, all the girls agreed! Mom: I'm sorry girls, but you didn't tell me that. (History is uncertain of this detail.) Anne: But don't you see, with black instead of brown costumes, we will REALLY look like Christmas Rats! Mom: We can't do anything about the leotards except maybe give you red collars. Then with two of you, you will look special. Maybe I can pin the tails in a circle or something and stuff them into a white sock...
So this was done and our two reindeer now had stubby tails that were quite fat, but they now no longer looked quite so much like rats and they were a little mollified. Until...
Dad: Good news girls, I talked to Grandma, Uncle Ron, Aunt Sally, Uncle Neil, Dave and a few other friends and drummed up a real audience for you tonight. With their families I'll bet you'll have at least 30 people there to see you dance tonight! Plus the six of us not dancing of course. Mary: (To herself) Plus Peggy and Ann, 38, plus anyone they told, that makes, easily a thousand. Anne: Screams and falls to the floor attempting to simulate the onset of a grave illness.
Two hours later, fed and a little nervous, Mary and Anne are dropped off at the entry for the "backstage" of the performance area. Since the announcement of the potential attendance of 30 relatives Anne realizes that she is well and truly trapped and has spent the last two hours in the basement, without the benefit of a recording of the dreaded Alley Cat, trying to learn the routine.
Her one advantage is that Mary knows it by heart by now as it has been drummed into her until she can do it in her sleep. So she sings the tune as they go along. Two hours is not enough time for Anne at her state of panic to learn the routine. She has never tried to learn a routine before. But she does learn how to do each of the moves, she just cannot get what order they are in.
Walking in Anne has two strategies. One - not be noticed and two - get on stage.
Anne does not want to be noticed because if she is noticed the Dance Program Director might not let her go on. She decides to hide in the darkest corner of the room with her head half hidden and her tail completely out of sight as she knows her tail is completely in opposition to strategy number one - not be noticed.
Mary on the other hand bravely tries to draw fire by being noticeable. And of course she does, as most of the girls can't stop themselves from laughing at her tail, even the nice ones. They all like Mary, she's that kind of girl, nice to everyone, supportive, always something nice to say to everyone, but even with the foreknowledge that Mary's Mom is a terrible sewer, the reality is beyond their comprehension and trying not to laugh just makes it worse.
What saves it of course, is that Mary sees the humor in it.
Mary: You should see what it started as. She took a stocking thinking that reindeer had long thin tails. My sister Anne said I looked like a Mutant Reindeer-Rat.
After that the room exploded with laughter, even Anne couldn't help laughing, the pent up tension inside her bringing tears to her eyes as she looked at the clock and noticed that the show was due to start in two minutes. Just then, the Dance Program Director walked back into the room and called the girls to attention. It was nearly their turn. The younger classes had finished and it was time for them to go on.
Dance Program Director: Girls! Time for you to go on. I want you to know that I am very proud of each and every one of you. You have all worked very hard and you know just what to do. SO, go out to do it and have fun. For some reason we seem to have a particularly big audience tonight, one of our biggest ever. Don't let that throw you. They are here to see you succeed, so pay attention to each other and not them. At the same time, don't forget to smile at each other. After all, you know each other very well and you can count on each other if you are not sure what to do.
If so, just follow the person ahead of you or to either side! Now break a leg!
Line up in one minute.
She left the room and Anne took that moment to sneak up next to and behind Mary as close as she could in line. The clock was ticking. The Dance Program Director came back in went to the curtain, began to open it, looked across her girls smiling, saw Anne, frowned and then hurried to her and said:
Dance Program Director: WHO are YOU? And what are you doing in line with my class, in a costume? Anne: I'm in your class! Dance Program Director: No you're not! I've never seen you before, I have no idea who you are! Anne: But I'm in your class, I'm on your list, look at it, my name is Anne, it's on it just before my sister Mary here. Dance Program Director: Why so it was, I scratched it out when you never came back, but I can't let you go out there if you haven't been here, you don't know the steps. Anne: I've been sick, but Mary's been teaching me at home, and my whole family is out there, praying that I'm well enough to do this. Dance Program Director: Well I'm sorry, but I pray that they'll understand that I can't let you go out there without seeing you do this right at least once and we just don't have the time. I AM sorry to disapoint you, but it's just not fair to the other girls.
And Anne, terrified, sat down, weeping as the other girls went out. Then the Dance Program Director slid out the side curtain to announce the girls and start the record.
Then, terrified of what her parents would say and do, Anne did something that would change her life. She got up, peeked though the curtain, saw that the lights were still down and slipped into the back row of reindeer, not noticing that she had ripped the seam holding the sock onto her "Rat tail" somewhat.
Then Alley Cat began and the lights went up to vigorous applause. The crowd was larger than in her worst nightmares and all of the girls froze for about 4 bars, enough that the Dance Program Director apologized for some "Technical difficulties" and reintroduced the act in blackout again, this time bringing up the lights before the music in hopes of fooling the audience that she was at fault for the incomprehensible stares.
The second introduction worked and it gave Anne a head start as at first she remembered what Mary had taught her. This lasted a glorious 45 seconds, of reindeer dancing to the left, to the right, spinning to the left, spinning to the right, then moving in a box so that those who had been in the back of the formation were now in the very front of the audience.
Two things happened then.
One, Anne ran out of choreography without an example right in front of her to copy from so she was forced to look to either side for help.
Two, she was now blocking Angel, the girl who for the last 6 weeks had been in the front of the pack at this point and whose mother could not get the great picture of her that they had been planning.
Three, this very same girl, Angel noticed something funny about Anne's reindeer tail, it seemed to be having a stitch problem. Surely it would be better if that hanging white string were removed. So, when the reindeer all danced in place in a circle to the right, the little minx held on to that thread and let it unwind, undoing the thread holding the sock in place and before the entire audience, dead center, down front, in front of 30 relatives, poor Anne who appeared to be dancing pretty well thus far, was transformed into a Mutant Rat-Reindeer.
Without Anne's knowledge, at first.
So, if you will excuse the term, seamless was her transition. And so clearly was the transformation the work of Angel, the reindeer behind Anne, that it was mistaken for plot, and from then on all eyes were focused on Anne to see what would become of this poor bespelled Mutant Reindeer-Rat.
What became of her was that she immediately began to lose her reindeer powers to dance.
For as Anne reached the end of her memory of the choreography she began to do every dance move increasingly behind the rest of the dancers, with the gap increasing as time and her panic went on.
When the reindeer turned left, Anne turned left, just a second too late. When the reindeer hopped backwards, Anne stuck in front, caught on a St. Nick of a moment too late and hopped back with so much enthusiasm that she almost knocked the girl behind her, Angel, into the closed curtain, again, this was mistaken for plot. The audience roared. Anne, thinking this reaction was due solely to her inept dancing, was really shaken, but bravely went on, determined to follow the advice given earlier and ignore the audience.
The next time the group twirled full circle, Anne was so determined to dance dramatically, Anne's mutant tail elevated and whipped Angel in the face, hard. She screamed, the audience clapped and laughed again, now convinced that Anne was the star in some little morality play. And Anne began to suspect that the laughter was due to a costume flaw involving her tail. This was confirmed when she spotted the white sock on the floor where she had been standing in front of Angel previously.
Could Angel have? Nooo....
Meanwhile, Mary, a little behind and to the right, watched what was going on with growing concern. Angel could be a vindictive little soul and was not beyond starting a throw down cat fight in front of everyone if this went on any longer. At the same time, Mary knew who the audience would favor. What to do?
Then the reindeer did a block dance again. This finally put Angel in the front row and Mary near her. Angel noticed that Mary had a similar tail to Anne's and put two and two together and she ripped Mary's sock off with glee as the audience whistled.
Mary: (whisper) This means war Angel! Angel: (whisper) I'm not afraid of you! Mary: (whisper) You should be worried about the 40 relatives I have in the audience if I were you, I'd be thinking of a way to give this fairy tale a happy ending. Angel: (whisper) 40! You're lying! Mary: (whisper) Unfortunately not. Just look at their noses. The really tall boys are her brothers. They are having fun, now... Angel: EEK! Mary: (Tail undone - perfectly timed rotation of tail) "Whack"! Think about it!
At this point Angel's confidence had fallen a bit. Realizing that in front of the audience she had removed two tails, and was seen, as the "bad reindeer", she had only one option.
With the end of Alley Cat nearing Angel moved out of position in front of the dancing group and did her best "remorseful" dance which ended with her on her knees facing the side of the stage on which Mary and Anne were "Dancing".
Mary was now doing her best to follow Anne poorly following the other dancers since M was now also a Mutant Rat-Reindeer and so unable to dance in time to the music. She grabbed Anne once Angel was kneeling and brought her to the front to see what she was up to. Angel then, brilliantly, ripped her own tail off, split it in half, and offered it to the two reindeer, who rejoiced in an ersatz "Snoopy Dance" bearing no resemblance to anything taught at the park or the timing of the music.
Mary then ripped off Anne's tail. Anne ripped off Mary's tail. And they raised them up as if to crown Angel for her kindness. Instead, they tied the two together which made them long enough to tie around Angel's waste making Angel a Mutant Rat-Reindeer just as "Alley Cat" ended.
The audience roared with laughter and applause.
The dancers all took a bow together.
Then the audience, being mostly relatives, called "Mary and Anne, Mary and Anne" and to the Dance Program Director's dismay, they came forward to take bows. But then Anne went back and pulled Angel to the front, and to her surprise, the audience, thinking her shenanigans were all part of the act, gave her big applause as well. Thus redeeming Angel in the eyes of her mother. So she joined the three in one final bow.
Then the Dance Program Director having had enough, cut the lights.
Wisely, Mary and Anne did not return backstage.
In the car on the way home. A short but revealing ride.
Mom: Huh, ha, Huh. Ha, Huh, Ha. Anne, You, Ha, You, Anne, Ha, You, Ha, You, Ha didn't ha, go, to a, ha, huh, single, ha, practice, did you? Anne: Um, I went to the first one. Does that count? Mom: If that, ha, huh, wasn't, ha, so, funny, ha, seeing, hu, you, ha, a, ha, a step, behind everyone, ha, else, you'd hah, be, in big, trouble, now. Whew, ooh, lord.
And so the story ends, Anne lived happily ever after. Except that she was doomed to hear this story over and over for the rest of her natural life, because it is one of Mary's favorites, and it is better when Mary tells it.
Except when Anne tells it, of course.
And of course now it is on the internet, where her friends and co-workers at the Park District may see it and understand why she always uses Alley Cat for the Fall Introduction to Dance classes she teaches now.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
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When you've been unemployed for two and a half years, it may not be the greatest idea in the world to excitedly bring home and tell your wife how excited you were to find the computer version of Monty Python's A Complete Waste of Time in the bargain bin.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Recently I got yet another one of those e-mails that get sent around, yet another one with 9 "Stories of Stupidity". Unfortunately for humanity, they all have the ring of truth, and, I am glad to say, I have made none of these mistakes, nor have I ever put a CTA transit card into a dollar bill feed on a bus farebox.
Nor have I ever piloted a boat into a pylon in the Chicago River running next to the old underground mail and coal railroad system, breaking a hole into the tunnel from the river causing the system to flood, water to pour into the basements of many downtown buildings, and Bruce Moffat's heavily illustrated book about Chicago's underground tunnel system to be photocopied by the hundreds from the CTA library where he works (no, nobody asked for his permission, he only knew the source because of the stamped "Property of the CTA library" all over its pages - it worked out OK for Bruce though, his book went into another printing, sold many more copies, and he got a much better job at CTA. It's a very interesting book by the way.)
I've added that little anecdote because I have decided to update the original post, Stories of Stupidity - I, with small corrections in grammar, spelling, that sort of thing. I've done this because recently that story has been getting quite a few hits and I thought I had better fix it up and perhaps, re-release it. But if I was going to do that, I thought I should add a little something new for those who have been reading all along. Back to the original email stories and my additions to them.
Stories of stupidity. Sometimes you wonder, could things this stupid really happen?
So I have added three stories of stupidity that I saw happen with my very own eyes, not overheard by a cousin or a friend, or a friend of a friend. If you forward this you can quote the source of these as Peter of Http://thepeterfiles.blogspot.com and that's a fact. There were multiple witnesses to the last two who I could dig up if it was worth it.
But first, the 9 that triggered the post. Believe them or don't.
If you have a stupid story to share, feel free to add it as a comment. Don't be bothered by my reviewing. I only usually reject ads or adult material.
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't ?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Then three of my own:
A man riding on the nearly empty upper deck of a Rock Island commuter train heading into work around 9:30 in the morning is looking at a catalog and starts to make an order over his cell phone.
As he does so, the people in the car seated below him start looking at each other incredulously, "Is this guy really stupid enough to do what we think he is going to do?"
Sure enough he starts reading off the numbers of an American Express Gold (from the color) card, he gets about 8 or 9 digits in when I bellow up "EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T GET THOSE LAST TWO NUMBERS, COULD YOU REPEAT THEM PLEASE?" and the whole car starts laughing hysterically.
Red faced the man in the upper deck immediately closed his cell phone, shaking his head at what a stupid thing he was about to finish doing.
"Thank you, that was a pretty stupid thing I was doing wasn't it?"
To which half the car yelled "YES!" which made him more red, but then I added,
"Could have been worse, at least you didn't repeat the last two numbers!" Even he laughed at that.
While working at summer camp when I was 16 we slept on large metal cots with a foam mattress with a plastic cover which saved one of the larger C.I.T.'s or Counselor-in-Training's lives.
CIT's were only 15 and only made $10 for the summer, which basically paid for laundry money, though meals and lodging were free, and of course they got the great experience of working at one of America's premiere scout camps, the Owasippe Scout Reservation, working in this case at the section camp know as Camp Robert Crown where I was working as a regular staffer.
Largely because of their age and lack of experience CIT's were not known as being the swiftest kids on the staff, but this kid took the cake.
The State of Michigan required a mandatory "nap" for all kids under 18 in summer camps between 1 and 2 pm, which we referred to as "shoes-off merit badge" during which the kids had to be in their tents and on their canvas cots with their feet off the floor. Staff were exempt, but many of the staff took advantage of this siesta time since there were often some programmed hours in the evening that a given staff member had to attend.
I will never forget walking down staff row towards the administrative lodge when I heard yelling and screaming coming from this CIT's cabin tent which he shared with another. His roommate was yelling too, "Don't get off with one foot you'll fry, you have to jump, jump!"
Well jump he did, off the cot, out the door, his hair on end, and smoking, followed by his friend with a towel who threw it on his friends hair to make sure that if there was any real burning it was out.
What had happened was this. The staff cabins were electrified and the very heavy staff member had let the cable for his electric clock radio get under the metal legs of his cot which had just happened to sever the cord as I was walking by.
This turned the cot into a sparking electric bed, from which this CIT had been protected somewhat from the foam and plastic cover, but he had been sleeping, and had been terrified when awakened by his cabin-mate to find the bed sparking around him. As he was jumping off he touched some part of the bed and got a real jolt, but not enough to hold him to the bed or kill him.
As he came spinning down the hill, patting his head to see if it was on fire, screaming like a plucked chicken, as he ran to and jumped into the camp pool, fully clothed except for his shoes, it looked funnier than hell, but it was not for him.
I'm pretty sure that the first thing everyone did immediately after that was check the cords in their cabin and whether their cots were sitting on any cords. I knew mine weren't already.
The last story happened a few years earlier when I was a scout at the a different section camp (Stuart) that no longer appears on the map above when two brothers, to protect their identities we'll call them JJohn and DDennis or J and D for short, decided to bring up candy and a cigarette rolling machine and sell candy and cigarettes to other scouts at camp, our troop and any others. They figured they could make a few quick bucks and they did. The leaders knew about the candy operation but J & D neglected to tell them about the cigarette making venture. By making them out of cheap tobacco the costs were really bare bones and I suspect at home the little machine had other uses. Just a suspicion of course.
Well J & D had a rousing little business and did quite well. We were there for two weeks and some troops were up there only one, and while the camp had a trading post J made a point of having different products and fairly low prices giving a good value. By the middle of the second week he had about 80 dollars in his bulging wallet. He kept it all in there because he did not trust that the trunk they kept their wares in could not be broken into and while large boxes of candy could be found in a camp-wide search, cash was another matter. Or so J the mastermind of the operation thought.
That was until D started arguing with him while they were in the Kybo or outhouse (a relatively safe place to smoke (HA!) without getting caught by the leaders) about getting his hands on his share of the cut and accidentally knocked J's wallet in the hole! (Kybo is a military acronym for outhouse that stems from a saying probably to remind soldiers of the dangers of going into battle on a full stomach - Keep Your Bowels Open).
This caused a massive crisis for J & D and one of the most exciting moments of that summer. In instants the entire camp (not just our troop) learned the news as J tried to figure out how to get his wallet back, nestled as it were on the surface of horror, 6-8 feet below.
He soon realized, while several of the less kind members of the troop taunted him about needing to go, and go right NOW, that he could not find anything long enough to lower except DDennis who was just thin enough to be lowered through the hole to retrieve the wallet which was slowly starting to sink, bit by bit.
As can be expected DDennis was not too excited about this plan.
What if you drop me?
You can swim can't you?
But that's gross!
It's your fault, you knocked the wallet down there in the first place.
But it's not fair.
Sure it's fair, I am strong enough to lower you but you are not strong enough to lower me.
Why not have more guys lower me? Not enough room. Besides, look around, are you sure that they wouldn't rather drop you?
Like I can trust you on that?
Yeah, but if I dropped you, you'd tell mom and dad.
Yeah, and they'd beat the crap out of you, ironic huh. I still don't want to do it.
O.K. , but you owe me 90 dollars. 90! But what about my share?
It's a 40 dollar wallet, I should charge you for that anyway, but if you get it and clean it, I may forget about that, but the longer you argue the deeper it goes and the harder it will be to clean, and if it goes below the surface, the harder it will be to find.
Ugh. O.K. You win. Lower me down.
And so, D emptied his pockets, took off his watch and let J lower him down into the smelly pool of filth of unknown depth as all of those gathered around the building groaned in disgust and listened to hear the sounds of a splash and squeal indicating the worst fate we could imagine without physical harm.
It was then we realized that J probably should have put some kind of rope harness on D.
After two or three near drops and D having trouble because he was waving back and forth like a pendulum, he did manage to retrieve the wallet.
Then J realized that pulling D back up was going to be harder than lowering him down and as soon as he began to have trouble he had several extra hands pulling D back up to D's enormous relief.
Then everyone immediately backed up because the wallet in D's hand was half covered in, well, you know. D didn't smell too good either.
In light of the story that came out a year or two ago about multiple deaths that occurred in a latrine collapse in Asia as one person dived in to rescue another who fell in and passed out, then the next passed out, then the next, until the death toll was terribly large, I now realize that the whole thing was even stupider than we thought at the time.
Though its a wonder the darn thing never exploded from the smoking and fumes. Must have been just ventilated enough....
Well if those three stories really happened I guess the ones before it could have too. That's it for this file,
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
I hit "Next Blog" and happened to come across an article on The Carpetbagger Report which criticized NewsMax, a politically conservative news magazine that reportedly pulled uber-gushingly flattering remarks about Ann Romney's appearance, after criticism about the unbalenced nature of those remarks started appearing in the media. They noted that this happened not long after publishing similarly gushing comments about Mitt's "Sensational Good Looks".
The Carpetbagger Journal described the covert changes, NewsMax did not tell its readers of the changes in the story, it just made the gushing words go puff in the intermist, as "unethical".
Of course, one has to wonder, if a publication is not actually publishing News, per se, is it held to the standards of journalism?
However, all this is not the real reason for this post, amusing as it might be to make fun of such Republican love-fest antics.
In the comments to the post, a brilliant reader known only as "Former Dan" wrote a brilliant musical parody that captures the essence of the struggle. I apologize that the attribution did not go into the "Clipped" version, I have to figure out how to edit that today.
Oh Romney, you’re so fine, You’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Romney! Hey Romney!
Hey Romney!!!
You’ve been around all issues, And that’s a little spun. I think you’ve got the right, And you think you’ve got it wrong. Why can’t you stay on topic But u can take my vote, Romney! Please take my vote Romney!
Cuz when you say you do, It always means you don’t. The hair givin’ me the chills, Baby please, baby don’t! Every night you spin Leave me all alone, Romney!
Oh Romney, what a pity, You don’t understand! You take me by the heart And you take me by the hand! Oh Romney, you’re so pretty Why can’t you understand? It’s guys like you, Romney! Oh, what you do, Romney Do, Romney, Don’t break my heart, Romney!
Oh Romney, you’re so fine, You’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Romney! Hey Romney!
It seems to me that The Carpetbagger Journal is making its own hint about whether NewsMax is actually a news source when it says:
"So, read NewsMax: the Tiger Beat of the 2008 Republican Primary."
The Disclosure That Should Not Be Needed: The Peter Files Blog is NOT a news source nor journalism of any kind. As such we reserve the right to update content as needed to maximize humor impact. This is especially true in the case of spelling, typing, and items of wit that occur to us at any moment in time. This is not good journalism, it is however a good reason for you to check back here from time to time just in case things have gotten funnier or at least clearer since last time. Though we make a good faith effort to get it right the first time.
If we make a major change, something really, really big, we usually do say something somewhere. But it is more likely that we will re-write it completely and pass it off as new stuff. This is the true advantage of a comedy, satire, parody blog over journalism - we do not have to have any relationship to reality because people don't expect what they read here to be true. Also in our favor is that most changes happen within 20 minutes of publication because sometimes the publish button gets hit instead of Draft. Hey, they are right there next to each other! In fact, in the first version of this post, Mitt's name was spelled Mitch, can you believe that? Ha, ha, ha, what a loser that author must be! Oh, right. It was me. Sorry, I'd change what I just wrote, but, I mean, given the flavor of this article, where DO I draw the line, right? Oh, thanks Peter, he says to draw it right under his name.
This is another one of those posts that have my older friends going - huh? What do you see in that show?
They just don't understand. Given a change in the age limits of the show that could be ME up there. Really. No kidding.
"Sure you say."
"Come' on producers, get rid of the age limits you cowards and let's see."
My relatives are laughing their heads off right now. Some of them. The others believe.
Anyway, I'm way off the track. If you found this post, its because you do care about who wins the American Idol Season 6 Finale: 25 year old Blake Lewis or 17 year old Jordin Sparks.
Blake Lewis - His Songs From The Season 6 Semi-Final Show + Comments from Jackson, Abdul and Cowell
Jordin Sparks - Her songs from the Season 6 Semi-Final Show Without Comments From Jackson, Abdul and Cowell
Because of the absence of te glowing remarks for Sparks, these videos are not really fair comparisons so try to ignore the judges, just pay attention to the performances if you are just coming to this for the first time.
I would have rather directed you to the Fox American Idol Music Video Page which shows many of Blake and Jordin's best performances, but there is so much demand on that server right now that the YouTube videos are the only way to see these videos. To make up for not having judges remarks for Jordin's Semi final performances, I include this one from an earlier show.
Jordin Sparks - On a Clear Day You Can See Forever
SO who will win?
As you might guess from my intro, I don't think that age should be a factor, period.
So Jordin gets no extra creds for being so talented at 17 and Blake none for being likely, possibly to be more stable at 25. All that counts is their singing.
That being said I think that they are both huge talents and think already that this is a win win for AI producers who probably have them already tied into contracts. Or should if they are not idiots. That being said, my personal feeling is that Jordin is more innovative, original, and has greater star power. Then again, she's a great looking babe.
But man can she sing.
Blake is also phenomenally talented. He has lots of fans and ahs he history of Soul Patrol dynamics working for him. Women voting for him because he's hot, men to keep up the faith, and many just because he is talented.
On the other hand, Jordin has charisma, natural talent, beauty, charm, power and the ability to make a song her own.
I think that the results will be very close.
So how will it go. Are you going to make a difference?
If so, are you going to take advantage of your chance to vote for free perpetually to vote for someone you like, or mess things up?
Popular strategies:
1) Pick the ones you like and vote for them using auto redial as often as possible. Using more than one line if possible to hit the alternate numbers and a computer and second line if you have them.
2) Convince friends and family to engage in the same screwy behavior. If close to a time zone line be prepared to drive across the time zone line to get in an extra hour of calling, especially if you are on the boarder of Mountain or Pacific time.
3) I've not checked out votefortheworst.com but you have the option of following their lead or voting against it just for spite.
4) Here's one I thought of today. Just boost the numbers up as high as possible just to tie up the phone lines by voting for each candidate in sequence as long as you can. Just do your best to generate a huge volume of calls. Every call you make may block other calls trying to stack the deck, so by slipping your calls in you are actually making the competition fairer because you always vote for one after the other. You don't switch until you are sure a vote gets through.
Remember, you can vote as many times as you want. The best way to do this is to have two phone extensions on the same line, or two lines and pay attention. But have one dedicated to a number for each candidate. Then you just hit redial on each phone until you get through. Stopping on the other until you get the other ones vote to go through. The end result is an even number of votes for each.
Fun huh?
Even better if your computer does it for you.
Well there are my thoughts.
I thought this season was pretty good. Melinda is well on her way to being the Jennifer Hudson of this season. Watch for her at the Grammy's next year, and don't forget to visit here again!
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As The International School of Blog Repair became more popular, we realized that many of our students were using their high salaries from blog repair to go skiing, but found that many facets of skiing, unlike blog repair, were not intuitively obvious to the casual observer.
With that in mind we have culled the experiences of our top Blog Repair School Instructors, some of our best graduates, and other internet resources to provide this free guide for those who contemplate taking up skiing next season.
We strongly feel that the key to success in any undertaking is preparation and so we offer this guide to those who have always wanted to ski like a pro, but have never had the time to learn. Going to a ski resort and learning there is incredibly expensive. But what if you could learn years of lessons in the year before you went up? Why you would save perhaps thousands of dollars and years of time.
You might ask, why would we do such a thing? Offer a valuable program like this for free?
First, we want to serve our own Instructors and Graduates. Somehow, those attracted to Blog repair are also attracted to rugged high adventure activities such as skiing, skydiving, scuba diving, and doing their laundry at laundry bar cafes. Who knew?
Next, we are pretty much absolutely unqualified to give out this kind of advice. Skiing seems to make sense to us, so we offer this course to you on a "take this advice completely at your own risk basis".
We feel this is fair because skiing is also a take this at your own risk sort of enterprise and you are free at anytime to say nope - that's just crazy.
Finally, since people who wind up being graduates of our International Blog Repair School tend to like skiing, we hope the reverse is true and that you will consider enrolling there. In the words of the nearly immortal Stan Lee, "Nuff said".
The International School of Skiing Instruction Unqualified Guide to Preparation for Skiing A Jump Start to Learning to Ski For Next Season Follow this Advice At Your Own Risk It was composed by utter Morons For the Benefit of Future Skiers Please make The International School of Blog Repair or The Peter Files Blog Your New Insurance Policy Beneficiaries Before You Start Skiing
Now that spring is here, it is s time for potential new skiers to start getting ready for next year's skiing season. I'm not kidding, you'll need the time. Before you know it, next season will be here. You will need lots of preparation to be ready for your first season on the slopes, hence, the following list of helpful exercises to get you prepared.
As far as we can tell, never having skied ourselves, these are THE definitive exercises for those who wish to truly prepare for an aggressive skiing season; ignore them at your peril for they will prepare you both physically and psychologically:
20. Forget that image of the broken-legged skier in the lodge, soaking up the flames and the babes. Once you are lame, they consider you as a lame candidate for romance, unless your watch is a Rolex or better and your car is a Ferrari: they know the difference between the real thing and a knock-off.
You might as well destroy and wardrobe from Sears, Kmart, or Target it this is your plan. Also, there are pictures of all the phony casts made by zip on, zip off cast manufactures in the ladies rooms, so you can forget that angle. A few even have portable x-ray machines stashed in their large purses which they sometimes use to examine more than leg damage! I would explain more but the editor has restrained me from exposing their full tactics as this is supposed to be a safe for family blog.
19. Build a permanent ladder up to the roof of your house. Build a series of rollers down to the ground along one side so that you can practice from rooftop. Important: Your artificial slope MUST extend beyond the ground at the base of your house for at least fifteen feet or an inconvenience will occur that will not be that dissimilar to inconveniences you will experience regularly on the slopes your first few days or weeks depending on your physical strength and agility. Do not try the cross-ski method of stopping on this test slope. It will not work and may lead to significant unplanned vertical lift and descent with added rotation and momentum upon landing.
18. Read the posts on skiing forums that describe different skiing resorts, their facilities, and their training facilities for new skiers. Try to stay away from resorts that cater solely to untrained snow bunnies as these will be too crowded and thus hazardous for your first time efforts. Ignore warnings about dangerous slopes, the lack of easy slopes, and killer descents as these warnings are primarily designed to keep the real snow bunnies away.
Even though this will be your first season on skis, you will not be a snow bunny: You will have completed these exercises making you vastly more prepared for the skiing season. It is worth noting the dates for something called "avalanche season". It is better to avoid skiing in the middle of this time period. Though very scenic snow events can be seen from the safety of the snow lodge at the beginning an end of the season. Be sure to be uphill of the snow lodge during these periods.
17. It is now time to begin serious pre-season conditioning in earnest. This will be challenging. But remember, as with the rugged training given to sword masters of old, while painful, each of these exercises is meant to prepare you and condition your body for the experiences and trauma you may experience on the slopes. Your fist task will be to learn how to roller blade with ski poles until you are skilled enough to grab a woman's purse without being stopped by her boyfriend. Then you must add $50 to the purse, and ski by again to return it without getting caught by said boyfriend or arrested. You must select a girl with a beefy boyfriend and it is wise to pick someone who appears to be unarmed, at least at first. As you get better at this exercise, increase the degree of difficulty by adding a note "Thanks for last night, you were great!" to the cash, and come by a third time after the note has been opened and read and grab a kiss. This will teach you some basics of skiing, the cost of skiing, and the physical cost of making a mistake. It may also get you a new girlfriend. This last possibility may be far more expensive than taking up skiing--you have been warned.
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Then wear them again for an hour or until you lose feeling in one or both hands. Remember not to do heavy work like hammering if your hands seem frozen. While your gloves are being iced up again slowly warm your hands up to avoid gangrene and loss of fingers.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. The mark it leaves will be very similar to the mark left on the head of a skier who passes out in bed after a wild night of partying having forgotten to take of his goggles. If questioned in a ski shop about it during the off season, just mumble something like "Y'know, I'm just trying out the virtual thing, for kicks, y'know". Since the top level virtual thing is primo expensive, this could mark you as a radically rich skier, a rep that could do you well if you meet this person on the slopes later.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. This will help train your eyes to detect clues through the most inclement weather. It will also help you to focus through distractions such as a glue based contact high. Elmer's will not work. Do not do this more than twice. Be sure to put the glue on THE OUTSIDE of the lenses. If you do not know the inside from the outside of the lenses try professional merry-go-rounding instead of skiing. I hear they are considering it as a trial Olympic sport for the 2016 Olympics.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. You'll need the practice. And again-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Knee pads, shoulder pads and helmets are for sniveling rat faced gits and are not allowed.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. If you live in California or Florida please remember that you must use shoes and not sandals or the point of this exercise is lost. If you live in the Third World, please remember that the shoes must be without large holes in them for the same reason. Of course, then step 12 would be impossible for many of you.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. If you do not have a friend willing to do this, show up at a practice at any local high school or college football team and offer your services as what is called a "tackle dummy". Don't worry what a tackle dummy is. As the Jesuits say, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. If the nearest McDonald's never has lines, go to the nearest TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback Steak House, Olive Garden, or any restaurant with lines long enough to have those E.T. light up seating lights that tell you when your table is finally ready, wait for it to light up, then hand it to any "deserving looking" couple or group with $8.50 or more, say, "I want to be like Earl" and leave immediately.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. If you do not have access to a motorcycle, sneak up on top of any large truck at a nearby truck stop that you might be able to clip onto, then raise yourself up once it is going 70 mph for the same experience. Watch out for low overhangs and Smokey. Long jail terms tend to interrupt the training progress.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. If possible, skitch behind the truck by tying a tow line to the back of the truck and let it pull you behind it in the snow. This works best on lonelier highways where you are less likely to be noticed. Short tow ropes help as they will put you right in the path of the most blinding snow. You may wear a little padding here to account for the salt kicked up with the snow. You may also rig a watter bottle feed to your helmet as the salt may make you thirsty. While it is possible to skitch without the tow rope, it is very difficult to do this for longer than an hour in most cases.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. True ski warriors will have several blenders lined up in sequence with the last two having a Diet Coketm and Mentos load to launch a truly awesome spray your way.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. The inner suit should be a wet suit. Practice in or near the tub at first.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. All right, if your thum is leading to a fatal condition you may go to an emergency room obviously, but no visits for pain, cuts, or scratches. Pump up dudes and dudettes.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing, slipping on your ski boots for the first time, ignoring the weather warning, and roaring down the expert hill like 007. Try to avoid acting like 009. (He died in Octopussy in a clown suit. What a humiliating way to go. Not even shaken or stirred.)
Extra credit: Avalanche practice: Go back to the football (or rugby team) and ask the entire team to periodically attempt to pile on you as you race across the field. You and they are not allowed to start until the coach fires a track pistol that simulates that crack that an avalanche makes at the start. You must wear skis, if they catch you they are to pile on you for one hour. Your goal, attempt to keep breathing. Advice: Make this the first exercise of the day so that their need for showers does not asphyxiate you.
If you have taken most of the above steps (really, who could survive them all):
Congratulations! You now are as prepared for your first season of skiing as this course can make you. Take this advice at your own risk! This course is designed only for those who wish to avoid the mundane work of classwork and learn the practical basics of skiing right up front.
This being said you are hereby awarded the certificate:
Junior Associate Cadet Knowledgeable in Acquired Skiing Skills
Add the initials for this certification after your name proudly whenever you wish to show your dedication to skiing or to sport, or are seeking enrollment in The International School of Blog Repair Technicians!
(Our thanks to jokeoftheday.com which provided the framework and original source for the skiing tips in this post which have undergone considerable editing and expansion. These tips have been greatly expanded upon by the Peter Files Blog and integrated into our other humor streams. Again, in case you are truly dense or hung over and missed it. This post is a joke, satire, whatever you call it, DO NOT TRY ANYTHING IN THIS POST! Do not forward this post without this warning!)
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Once again our readers are strongly cautioned that "Dr. Pete" is not a doctor nor qualified to give advice of any kind, especially not medical advice*. He just thinks he is. You would be better off listening to the advice of a can of worms, if you could hear it, than taking any comments by Dr. Pete as advice. If you can hear the advice of a can of worms, we suggest that you seek medical attention immediately. This is normally the sign of big, big trouble.
Once again it is time for another "session" with Dear "Dr. Pete". Dr. Pete is our consultant Pzychotherapist with no qualifications whatsoever - so what he says does not qualify as advice, barely gossip. But once in awhile it is fun to listen in as he discusses problems with those who are crazy enough to ask him questions.
Dear Dr. Pete,
Ever since I was in a car accident on the Darn Ryan expressway 15 years ago I have been afraid to drive farther than the end of the block and back even though I own the safest car in the world and have installed extra emergency padding and some of the escape features that I remember from the cartoon classic "Speed Racer" that were on the Mach 5. My trouble is, unless I can figure out a way to get my car to jump out of the way of dangerous dust particles like the car in the TV show, I could skid out of control some day and get an owie.
This makes me worry day and night. The walk to the train is really far. By the time I get to the train I am so worried about other cars skidding on dust particles that I often am spinning around in circles trying to blow them off the streets waving my arms so that the cars will see me and not hit me when they skid out of control. How can I fix my car so I can drive to the train station?
Dusty
Dear Dusty,
I zink dat you are cookoo nutzo. I zimpzize vit you vor havink had an accident. Zis can be a traumatic zing and many people have trouble drivink aveterwards a baddy. But zince you do not mention un injury, und you levt a phone number and I spoke vit your wive who said you did not get un "owie" az you call it, I zink you have taken zis un blown it vay, vay, vay out of proportion.
Normally, I vould zay you had panic diztrezz dizorder, vich I encourage you to google und read about. But zince you are vorried about dust particles making your car zkid out of control bubby, I zink you are a fruity loop.
A two zousant pound car, zay a volvo, cannot zkid out of control when it rollz over duzt. Duzt iz not zlippery, nein, nein, nien, you nincompooper!
You could roll over un banana zkin un ztil not havt zee problem vift zee zkidding! Inztead I zink zee banana eez in your brain. Ach!
I zink you zhould zink about vether vhat you really like to do is pretend to be un Jet airplane on your vay to work! Zat would explain maybe zee arms waving and zee puffink zat you are doink. Or, you could just be a dink-donk who needs zee intense zychozerapy zat only zee greatezt ov zee worldz provessionals can provide.
Howefer, I hesitate to reccomend vun because I tink you vould drive dem crazy! I certainly do not vant you in my ovvice, vit your vavink, und your puffink, und your whinink about a travvik accident vifteen yearz old.
Zee only zink I can do, iz quote zee inzights of zee legendary zhrink Dr. Robert Hartley. Vhen convronted vith a behavior like behink unable to drife varther dan zee end of zee block, hiz advice is zee only zing you can try. In ezzence it iz ziss.
"Shtopp IT! Just SHTOP IT"
But, you vill zay
"Shtopp IT!" But,
"Shtopp IT!"
But
"Shtopp IT!"
My humble verds are a pale imitation of dis master zo I vill zuggezt zat you zearch vor hiz work vich vas richly covered on zee "Bob Newhart Show".
Zat is all zee help I can ovver in a caze ov Cookoo-Woowoo like you hafe written to me about today.
Now, iv you had written to me about being anxiouz about zkidding on zigars, zat is zomtink I could have helped you vith!
Dr. Pete
Well, Dr. Pete offers us an interesting insight into an unstable mind, once again leaving us with the question: who is more crazy - the writer or Dr. Pete? Tune in again for another exciting episode, when Dr. Pete sends us one. If you have a question for Dr. Pete please send it to: ThePeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and your question could become ridiculed, twisted and subjected to the worst possible interpretation ever. Here are some reader reactions to Dr. Pete.
It is a good thing that Dr. Pete is a fictional character, he would never last as a real shrink. Hinky Shmoe, Wombat, Australia
Dr. Pete is the greatest thing ever. He has really helped me in my major policy decisions. I am very sorry that I have to keep my name anonymous. HEY, I'll just use another initial. No one will guess that! X, Washington, D.C.
I believed Dr. Pete's help once and I wound up in a box down by the church! Heed Peter's warning. Don't follow anything Dr. Pete says. Kenny RIP, Graveyard, CA
There you have it. All the testimony you could want.
*Strictly speaking, "Dr. Pete" is a fictional character. Taking the advice of fictional characters, is as Dr. Pete might term it, "Shtupid!". We do not mean to insult you. We just realize the possibility that this page may be viewed by younger visitors or those who may need this spelled out directly that this is a comedy and parody page and taking this stuff as advice might lead to unfortunate incidences. Like the time we had to withdraw the post about speed eating pretzels, or the one about invading the wrong country just for fun...
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Recently I got another one of those e-mails that get sent around, this one with 9 "Stories of Stupidity" (Thanks DZ). Unfortunately for humanity, they all have the ring of truth, and, I am glad to say, I have made none of these mistakes, nor have I ever put a transit card into a dollar bill feed on a bus farebox.
Sometimes you wonder, could things like this really happen? So I have added three stories of stupidity that I saw happen with my very own eyes, not overheard by a cousin or a friend, or a friend of a friend. If you forward this you can quote the source of these as Peter of Http://thepeterfiles.blogspot.com and that's a fact. There were multiple witnesses to the last two who I could dig up if it was worth it. But first, the 9 that triggered the post. Believe them or don't. Leave a comment either way - you don't have to sign up to comment! Just click on the words MOUTH OFF!
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't ?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Then three of my own:
A man riding on the nearly empty upper deck of a Rock Island commuter train heading into work around 9:30 in the morning is looking at a catalog and starts to make an order over his cell phone.
As he does so, the people in the car seated below him start looking at each other incredulously, "Is this guy really stupid enough to do what we think he is going to do?"
Sure enough he starts reading off the numbers of an American Express Gold (from the color) card, he gets about 8 or 9 digits in when I bellow up "EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T GET THOSE LAST TWO NUMBERS, COULD YOU REPEAT THEM PLEASE?" and the whole car starts laughing hysterically.
Red faced the man in the upper deck immediately closed his cell phone, shaking his head at what a stupid thing he was about to finish doing.
"Thank you, that was a pretty stupid thing I was doing wasn't it?"
To which half the car yelled "YES!" which made him more red, but then I added,
"Could have been worse, at least you didn't repeat the last two numbers!" Even he laughed at that.
While working at summer camp when I was 16 we slept on large metal cots with a foam mattress with a plastic cover which saved one of the larger C.I.T.'s or Counselor-in-Training's lives.
CIT's were only 15 and only made $10 for the summer, which basically paid for laundry money, though meals and lodging were free, and of course they got the great experience of working at one of America's premiere scout camps, the Owasippe Scout Reservation, working in this case at the section camp know as Camp Robert Crown where I was working as a regular staffer.
Largely because of their age and lack of experience CIT's were not known as being the swiftest kids on the staff, but this kid took the cake.
The State of Michigan required a mandatory "nap" for all kids under 18 in summer camps between 1 and 2 pm, which we referred to as "shoes-off merit badge" during which the kids had to be in their tents and on their canvas cots with their feet off the floor. Staff were exempt, but many of the staff took advantage of this siesta time since there were often some programmed hours in the evening that a given staff member had to attend.
I will never forget walking down staff row towards the adminstrative lodge when I heard yelling and screaming coming from this CIT's cabin tent which he shared with another. His roommate was yelling too, "Don't get off with one foot you'll fry, you have to jump, jump!"
Well jump he did, off the cot, out the door, his hair on end, and smoking, followed by his friend with a towel who threw it on his friends hair to make sure that if there was any real burning it was out.
What had happened was this. The staff cabins were electrified and the very heavy staff member had let the cable for his electric clock radio get under the metal legs of his cot which had just happened to sever the cord as I was walking by.
This turned the cot into a sparking electric bed, from which this CIT had been protected somewhat from the foam and plastic cover, but he had been sleeping, and had been terrified when awakened by his cabin-mate to find the bed sparking around him. As he was jumping off he touched some part of the bed and got a real jolt, but not enough to hold him to the bed or kill him.
As he came spinning down the hill, patting his head to see if it was on fire, screaming like a plucked chicken, as he ran to and jumped into the camp pool, fully clothed except for his shoes, it looked funnier than hell, but it was not for him.
I'm pretty sure that the first thing everyone did immediately after that was check the cords in their cabin and whether their cots were sitting on any cords. I knew mine weren't already.
The last story happened a few years earlier when I was a scout at the a different section camp (Stuart) that no longer appears on the map above when two brothers, to protect their identities we'll call them JJohn and DDennis or J and D for short, decided to bring up candy and a cigarette rolling machine and sell candy and cigarettes to other scouts at camp, our troop and any others. They figured they could make a few quick bucks and they did. The leaders knew about the candy operation but J & D neglected to tell them about the cigarette making venture. By making them out of cheap tobacco the costs were really bare bones and I suspect at home the little machine had other uses. Just a suspicion of course.
Well J & D had a rousing little business and did quite well. We were there for two weeks and some troops were up there only one, and while the camp had a trading post J made a point of having different products and fairly low prices giving a good value. By the middle of the second week he had about 80 dollars in his bulging wallet. He kept it all in there because he did not trust that the trunk they kept their wares in could not be broken into and while large boxes of candy could be found in a camp-wide search, cash was another matter. Or so J the mastermind of the operation thought.
That was until D started arguing with him while they were in the Kybo or outhouse (a relatively safe place to smoke (HA!) without getting caught by the leaders) about getting his hands on his share of the cut and accidentally knocked J's wallet in the hole! (Kybo is a military acronym for outhouse that stems from a saying probably to remind soldiers of the dangers of going into battle on a full stomach - Keep Your Bowels Open).
This caused a massive crisis for J & D and one of the most exciting moments of that summer. In instants the entire camp (not just our troop) learned the news as J tried to figure out how to get his wallet back, nestled as it were on the surface of horror, 6-8 feet below.
He soon realized, while several of the less kind members of the troop taunted him about needing to go, and go right NOW, that he could not find anything long enough to lower except DDennis who was just thin enough to be lowered through the hole to retrieve the wallet which was slowly starting to sink, bit by bit.
As can be expected DDennis was not too excited about this plan.
What if you drop me?
You can swim can't you?
But that's gross!
It's your fault, you knocked the wallet down there in the first place.
But it's not fair.
Sure it's fair, I am strong enough to lower you but you are not strong enough to lower me.
Why not have more guys lower me? Not enough room. Besides, look around, are you sure that they wouldn't rather drop you?
Like I can trust you on that?
Yeah, but if I dropped you, you'd tell mom and dad.
Yeah, and they'd beat the crap out of you, ironic huh. I still don't want to do it.
O.K. , but you owe me 90 dollars. 90! But what about my share?
It's a 40 dollar wallet, I should charge you for that anyway, but if you get it and clean it, I may forget about that, but the longer you argue the deeper it goes and the harder it will be to clean, and if it goes below the surface, the harder it will be to find.
Ugh. O.K. You win. Lower me down.
And so, D emptied his pockets, took off his watch and let J lower him down into the smelly pool of filth of unknown depth as all of those gathered around the building groaned in disgust and listened to hear the sounds of a splash and squeal indicating the worst fate we could imagine without physical harm.
It was then we realized that J probably should have put some kind of rope harness on D.
After two or three near drops and D having trouble because he was waving back and forth like a pendulum, he did manage to retrieve the wallet.
Then J realized that pulling D back up was going to be harder than lowering him down and as soon as he began to have trouble he had several extra hands pulling D back up to D's enormous relief.
Then everyone immediately backed up because the wallet in D's hand was half covered in, well, you know. D didn't smell too good either.
In light of the story that came out a year or two ago about multiple deaths that occurred in a latrine collapse in Asia as one person dived in to rescue another who fell in and passed out, then the next passed out, then the next, until the death toll was terribly large, I now realize that the whole thing was even stupider than we thought at the time.
Though its a wonder the darn thing never exploded from the smoking and fumes. Must have been just ventilated enough....
Well if those three stories really happened I guess the ones before it could have too. That's it for this file,
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