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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

You Too Can Enter The World Of Internet Blog Repair


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Are you tired of being in the same old rut?

Would you like to make money the fast and easy way?

Does the idea of sitting at home typing a few hours a day at your keyboard, listening to music, watching videos, tossing down the brewskis and watching ESPN while the money rolls in, appeal to you?

Then you my friend, may have just the skills needed to enter the:

International World of Internet Blog Repair!

Think of it. Just a few years ago, no one had a home computer. Now, it seems that everyone in the world has one, and in the past year, web logging or blogging has taken off like a skyrocket!

People all over the world are committing their precious thoughts and memories to their blogs, investing hundreds of hours of their life in writing personal and private thoughts for all the world to see - trusting in this wonderful but complicated technology to keep it safe for them.


That's where you come in to save the day!

As a Certified International Blog Repair Technician!

From the comfort of your home, your apartment, a restaurant, your car, from any hot spot or modem where you can get a connection, you can be up and doing business with the simple skills we can teach you at the International School of Internet Blog Repair.

"I was sad and lonely, living the simple life in a van, down by the river, but I took out a student loan, got certified by the International School of Internet Blog Repair, and now I have wealth beyond my wildest dreams, thank you, thank you, thank you." - Roma Marriotti

For one simple investment and a small, small, small perpetual percentage of your gross, we will lead you to untold riches in the fastest growing field in internet history!

Here's the secret:

All those people. All those blogs. All those folk who don't have clue one how blogs REALLY WORK - But YOU will! And that my friend will give you the tools to rake in the $dough$ re mi!

"I had just lost my job as a White House intern after a terrible mistake in judgment, I was hounded by the press, ashamed to go outside, what could I do to make a living? My life was over! But then I heard about the International School of Internet Blog Repair, and now I have a career where I can work from home and nobody cares where my dresses are or what cleaners I use. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And the money is great too!" - T. Woman

Yes, the very same people who spent the last 10 years with endlessly blinking clocks on their VCR's are now using the most complicated technology in the history of humanity to save their most precious moments on the most etheral of all technologies, an internet weblog.

Their blogs will break, they almost have to, and here at
The International School of Internet Blog Repair we will teach you the basics to fix them quickly, easily and for BIG, BIG, PROFITS.

"I had dreams, oh yes, I had dreams. but then I got gored by what people thought was my boring style and my claims of having invented the internet. Then I settled down to teaching and spending time smooching with my wife, and was quite happy, you might call it a true love story, but the fact is, when I heard about the International School of Internet Blog Repair, I was curious. So I got involved because I liked being in on the ground floor of a new technology. It's just a way cool thing to be doing. Now that I've gotten into it, I think that there's a way that it could spring of into a nanotechnology group of applications too, if you see what I'm saying, I think I could invent a whole new fields here......" - Nota Bore


Will you be in for the payoff?

No travel required. No Long Hours. No Office. No Suits. No Employee meetings!

But: your will meet people - if you want to! Oh, yes the fringes on this job are mui bueno if you know what I mean. :nudge: :nudge: :wink: :wink: :say no MORE!:

Here's what we will teach you:

Part 1 - The Basics of Blog Repair

How to look at the source code of their blog and fix most problems in less than two minutes, but tell them about it an hour later.

IN NEARLY EVERY CASE the problem is something like a missing ">" sign that they erased in the underlying html code while not not knowing it was there in the first place.

You will work on all the major systems Mac OS X, OS IX, OS VIII ... Blastoff! Unix, Linux, Web T.V., iPod, Cell-phones, video game players, and if time permits, Lisa, Apple, Commodore 64, TRS-80, CMS, MVS, DOS, and possibly even Windows systems if any interest is still out there.

More important of course are all the major browsers used today, Firefox, Safari, Mozilla, Netscape, Visual Basic 6.o and Internet Explorer.

The basic blogger engine types are also covered as well as the code that supports them HTML, CSS, JAVA, Cocoa, Tea, Expresso, Soda, and Jack Daniels. It would be a rum job if we didn't cover it all.

Part 2 - Jazzing up Their Template/Making Their Template Pretty

How to Earn Extra Bucks through Customizing a Customer's blog or post so that their blog looks a little more special than their friend's. If you work this right, contacting their friends listed on their sidebar and offering your services, you can keep this going for months, if not years simply by running two different blogging consultant identities! Mucho Dineros!

Part 3 - Emergency Design Services

Hold on Huston! This is where the BIG dollars are.

"Suzi's graduation is tomorrow and I've just got to get this pretty party page up on time! Help me please - can you get it done on time?"

Part 4 - Tactful Consolation and Damage Control

Sometimes your clients will get themselves into embarrassing situations and it will be up to you to get them out of it. Here's an example.

"Well, you see Ms. Westen, when you posted those pictures from the beach party on your blog, you weren't just storing them on your own computer. No. You see there's this thing called the Internet? The World Wide Web?

That's right Ms. Westen, the whole world, the whole wide world. No, I don't think the whole world saw the pictures you took of you and Mr. Trumpet fooling around. Fortunately for you there is a lot of competition for that kind of stuff, but the thing is, I took the photos down, but you really don't know who copied it, or where it might show up again.

Yes. Someone could copy any of the photos and put them up somewhere else. Yes. Even the really, really naughty ones. No, actually by the standards of the internet yours are quite tame, really. Um, how long were the photos up? That long eh.

Well, I think you've got to assume that you are going to be pretty well known within a couple of months Ms. Westen. At least you did not have any live video files. Heh, heh, heh. Oh, those were on Mr. Trumpet's blog but you made him take them down, oooh, that's, that's not so good.

Well, videos can be downloaded too. I see, well take it from me, even if he tried to make it impossible, there are people, we call them hackers, who specialize in downloading things, no, they don't have a cough, they just get in where they shouldn't, like with a hack saw, yes, who specialize in this sort of thing and that video is probably making the rounds too.

How long was it? No, how long was the video up there Ms. Westen. That long? Well if you let me see it I could probably tell you how much distribution its likely to get... not a chance in hell, yes, I totally understand, and I respect your privacy.

The upside is that with an hour long video it will probably be limited to commercial sites where people have to pay to see it, so fewer people will probably see it. I knew you'd feel better about that! Yes. Ah, um. The downside is of course, that at an hour the video is long enough to release and sell as a DVD.

Well they should, but once these things get out they generally don't give the victims any money. No, it is awfully unfair, Ms. Westin, though you can sue them, if you can find them. My guess would be Singapore, or China, or maybe Russia. Or New Jersey. Yes. Let's hope for New Jersey.

Other problems, let's see, you did put your name and address in your blog so you might want to consider changing both, or at least moving. I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you but you are really sort of a celebrity now.

Really, there's no need to cry Ms. Westen. Really, please don't cry, everything will be all right. Look on the bright side Ms. Westen, the pictures are really most attractive. Really.

No, no, I didn't stare at them, but to take them down I had to look at them a little, please don't cry Ms. Westen. Please. It makes me most upset to hear a pretty girl like you cry when there is nothing that I can do about it. There is? Gee, you sound really upset about this. I could help? I'd like to. Would you like to come over and talk about this over a drink? Maybe we could work on that whole name problem of yours. Yes, see you at 7. Ms. Wes.. Carol. That's a nice name. My name is Bob. See you at 7."

Now of course this is nearly a worst case scenario. Mr. Trumpet could have been her boss and pulled her into his office to say the dreaded words "You're Fired!" in the middle of the call, but I wanted to keep this example simple.

Part 5 - Selling Blog Repair Internships

Of course, the last big step you can take is to train other Certified International Internet Blog Repair
Technicians. Once you have passed the training course you can recruit and train other Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technicians. At first you get a larger part of their fees, but as they recruit more students, your share goes down, but you will always get a small portion of their gross. Now there is a limit to how many Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technicians there can be, we will accept only the best.

We have to say that, this is not some fly-by-night pyramid scheme only interested in your initiation fee. So, don't count on recruiting new
International Internet Blog Repair Technicians as your primary source of income like some of these multi-level marketing schemes, but the pennies do add up if your trainees learn the business right and keep their customers, and keep them happy. That's just plain old good service and business sense.

"I lost a really good friend a few years ago and was really depressed, yeah, I got work, good work, but it just wasn't the same, I found myself spending more and more time floating around on my pad, blowing off Piggy, that's my girlfriend, and let me tell you, she get's really angry when she's ignored.

I know it's not easy being green, but for a frog like me, well let's just say I had a really close, personal. relationship with this friend, I had never let anyone get inside me quite like Jim did, and when he was gone, well, it was like I was a different frog. He was more than just a boss. He was a mentor. I always felt lucky watching other people at their jobs, slaving away, in law firms, or accounting offices with other people pulling the strings, heck, they might as well have been puppets. But working with Jim was never like that and with him gone, I felt a little different, sounded a little different, it just wasn't quite the same inside, but I had to keep going you know? All those kids, my fans, I just could not let them down, no matter how low I felt.

Then I found the
International School of Internet Blog Repair, and now I have a little something to do to distract me when I'm not feeling quite right. It feels nice to help people and while I can't do it full time, I still get something good from it. My friend The Count helps out too. He really loves it. He's a natural. He finds it very exciting, even more than me. He breaks the HTML into one's and zero's and fixes blog's that way - frankly I think its a little wierd, but he's better at it than I am! I wish he could work more quietly though sometimes.

Had to cut my friend Ernie's access off though. He was having too much fun making Bert's blog do silly things. One night Bert left his Mac on with his Blog open and suddenly around two in the morning a giant rubber duck appeared on the screen quacking you know what song so loud it blasted Bert out of bed so hard he almost went out the window! Ha! Have to admit that was a pretty good one, but when I saw Ernie hanging out the window by his feet I said, "Wacko Jacko, this has gone too far!", got Bert not to drop Ernie if I agreed not to let him on my G5." - K.T.F.

So if you think you have what it takes to be a
Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician, apply via e-post today for details! Don't wait! There's a lot to offer in your initial training kit, so much to offer that we can't list it all just remember:

You get all this and MUCH MUCH MORE!

Your Official Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician Student ID Card
(Good for student discounts everywhere)

Your Official Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician Graduation Requirements

Your Official Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician Student Aid Kit
(Please fill this out to qualify for financial aid call our toll-free number for assistance)

Your Official Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician Student Online Access Pass
(Gives you access to your classes - learn at your own pace - take the tests until you pass)

Your Official Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician Student Website Discount Card
(Gives you access to our website and a host of others as a free bonus - just for being our student)

Your Official Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician Secret Decoder Ring
(Available in all sizes - comes with a firewire connection cord )

Your Official Certified International Internet Blog Repair Technician Student Photo Directory
(Every Campus has a Social Life - Why Should Ours Be Any Different)

Don't Delay! Make Your Application Today!

Significant Tuition Discounts Apply to Those Who Refer Accepted Candidates for Admission

An Affilliate of The Interational School of Spam Archaeologists and the
International School for Internet Humor Application Management Systems

That's it for this case in,

The Peter Files http://www.thepeterfiles.blogspot.com

Fine Print (This is a joke. It is only a joke. If anyone does start such a school however I claim a share of intellectual property rights and a small share of the gross. This post is partly inspired by the work of Bob Newhart and his classic Bus Driver School Sketch and his great telephone routines. Bob, please don't be annoyed if sections of this post are too close to your material. I was churned through the same (1076) character building mill that you were and probably spent as much or more time in jug.)


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Blogger Anispice said...

Great post!

And thanks for visiting my blog and for the comments!

4/15/2005 12:53 AM  
Anonymous Darwin said...

How droll !

Is internet (blog) humor on the rise ?

4/22/2005 9:59 AM  
Blogger The Peter Files Blog of Comedy said...

There is lots of Blog humor out there. Whether this blog has any is a matter of opinion! ;-)

4/26/2005 4:42 AM  

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