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Saturday, May 05, 2007

Dr. Pete and the Anxiety Attack


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Once again our readers are strongly cautioned that "Dr. Pete" is not a doctor nor qualified to give advice of any kind, especially not medical advice*. He just thinks he is. You would be better off listening to the advice of a can of worms, if you could hear it, than taking any comments by Dr. Pete as advice. If you can hear the advice of a can of worms, we suggest that you seek medical attention immediately. This is normally the sign of big, big trouble.

Once again it is time for another "session" with Dear "Dr. Pete". Dr. Pete is our consultant Pzychotherapist with no qualifications whatsoever - so what he says does not qualify as advice, barely gossip. But once in awhile it is fun to listen in as he discusses problems with those who are crazy enough to ask him questions.

Dear Dr. Pete,

Ever since I was in a car accident on the Darn Ryan expressway 15 years ago I have been afraid to drive farther than the end of the block and back even though I own the safest car in the world and have installed extra emergency padding and some of the escape features that I remember from the cartoon classic "Speed Racer" that were on the Mach 5. My trouble is, unless I can figure out a way to get my car to jump out of the way of dangerous dust particles like the car in the TV show, I could skid out of control some day and get an owie.

This makes me worry day and night. The walk to the train is really far. By the time I get to the train I am so worried about other cars skidding on dust particles that I often am spinning around in circles trying to blow them off the streets waving my arms so that the cars will see me and not hit me when they skid out of control. How can I fix my car so I can drive to the train station?


Dear Dusty,

I zink dat you are cookoo nutzo. I zimpzize vit you vor havink had an accident. Zis can be a traumatic zing and many people have trouble drivink aveterwards a baddy. But zince you do not mention un injury, und you levt a phone number and I spoke vit your wive who said you did not get un "owie" az you call it, I zink you have taken zis un blown it vay, vay, vay out of proportion.

Normally, I vould zay you had panic diztrezz dizorder, vich I encourage you to google und read about. But zince you are vorried about dust particles making your car zkid out of control bubby, I zink you are a fruity loop.

A two zousant pound car, zay a volvo, cannot zkid out of control when it rollz over duzt. Duzt iz not zlippery, nein, nein, nien, you nincompooper!

You could roll over un banana zkin un ztil not havt zee problem vift zee zkidding! Inztead I zink zee banana eez in your brain. Ach!

I zink you zhould zink about vether vhat you really like to do is pretend to be un Jet airplane on your vay to work! Zat would explain maybe zee arms waving and zee puffink zat you are doink. Or, you could just be a dink-donk who needs zee intense zychozerapy zat only zee greatezt ov zee worldz provessionals can provide.

Howefer, I hesitate to reccomend vun because I tink you vould drive dem crazy! I certainly do not vant you in my ovvice, vit your vavink, und your puffink, und your whinink about a travvik accident vifteen yearz old.

Zee only zink I can do, iz quote zee inzights of zee legendary zhrink Dr. Robert Hartley. Vhen convronted vith a behavior like behink unable to drife varther dan zee end of zee block, hiz advice is zee only zing you can try. In ezzence it iz ziss.

"Shtopp IT! Just SHTOP IT"

But, you vill zay

"Shtopp IT!"


"Shtopp IT!"


"Shtopp IT!"

My humble verds are a pale imitation of dis master zo I vill zuggezt zat you zearch vor hiz work vich vas richly covered on zee "Bob Newhart Show".

Zat is all zee help I can ovver in a caze ov Cookoo-Woowoo like you hafe written to me about today.

Now, iv you had written to me about being anxiouz about zkidding on zigars, zat is zomtink I could have helped you vith!

Dr. Pete

Well, Dr. Pete offers us an interesting insight into an unstable mind, once again leaving us with the question: who is more crazy - the writer or Dr. Pete?

Tune in again for another exciting episode, when Dr. Pete sends us one. If you have a question for Dr. Pete please send it to: ThePeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and your question could become ridiculed, twisted and subjected to the worst possible interpretation ever. Here are some reader reactions to Dr. Pete.

It is a good thing that Dr. Pete is a fictional character, he would never last as a real shrink. Hinky Shmoe, Wombat, Australia

Dr. Pete is the greatest thing ever. He has really helped me in my major policy decisions. I am very sorry that I have to keep my name anonymous. HEY, I'll just use another initial. No one will guess that! X, Washington, D.C.

I believed Dr. Pete's help once and I wound up in a box down by the church! Heed Peter's warning. Don't follow anything Dr. Pete says. Kenny RIP, Graveyard, CA

There you have it. All the testimony you could want.

*Strictly speaking, "Dr. Pete" is a fictional character. Taking the advice of fictional characters, is as Dr. Pete might term it, "Shtupid!". We do not mean to insult you. We just realize the possibility that this page may be viewed by younger visitors or those who may need this spelled out directly that this is a comedy and parody page and taking this stuff as advice might lead to unfortunate incidences. Like the time we had to withdraw the post about speed eating pretzels, or the one about invading the wrong country just for fun...

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary


We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!

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