Feedback to My Email Forwarding Friends

A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you:

I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .

And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.

I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.

Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.

But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!

If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears. 

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way......

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems. 

Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post,  all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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CNN on Britney Spears

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Dr. Pete Discusses Post-Christmas Truamatic Stress Syndrome

Please note that "Dr. Pete" is in fact not a doctor of anything. Please, please, please do not take anything written in this post, or this blog for that matter, as having any medical value whatsoever. This is a blog. A comedy blog with jokes, satire and comedy. This is not a place for medical advice. First of all, this is a free blog, who ever heard of getting any good advice for free? Next, even if you used the donate box to donate money to this blog, which only my sister has done so far - THANK YOU SIS! The advice in a Dr. Pete Post would still be useless. (Correction - Another sister did buy a bunch of books from Amazon through the site so that was helpful too.)

This post has been affected by off-seasonal affected disorder and would normally appear between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Somehow Dr. Pete got into our production office and locked this one in with a root password. So, here it is.

Hello,

Dis iz Dr. Pete and it iz time fur anoder vizit from zee Dr. Pete rolling couch.

Az you probably know zee Chtistmaz zeazon is villed vith ztrezz. Ziss goes on und on from Tanksgiving Day until Chrizmaz Day for sure. Zen, some people get a lucky break und zee ztrezz oozez out of zeem like vat uff zee top uff a pan uff veinerschnitzel und zey veel much, much better on December 26th.

If you are one uff zeez strange und unprofitable beeple vor zee bzychiactric provezzion, zen lucky for you, zee you ven your moder and girlvriend start vighting vith each oder again, zat zhould be about two weeks, depending on how much you spendt on zere prezents.

Zat's All? You really are a zucker aren't you. Zee you bright und early Monday Morning und bring me a tribble latte vit zugar von't you? I'll need it. You'll need one too. We'll zee, iv you don't need zee zession by Monday morning zee lattes are und me.

Anyhow, most people zuffer from Post-Chriztmust Post Traumatic Stress Dizorder, which they tend not to come our uv until New Yearz Eve. Zis accountz for many of zee odd und strange dating couple zat you zee on New Yearz Eve. Many of zeez dates vere made at Ovvice parties vith zenior execss und both zides now regret zee dates but getting out of zem waz almozt impozzible becauze phone nuberz waz/were not exchanged.

Zometimes, uv courze a miracle occurze und zees couple find zee bliss together. More often, they find zemzelvez locked together in a permanent zing becauze uv a one night vling.

But zey are not zee largezt group by any meanz.

Ze group zat is var more commen are ze ones who got giftz from zoze zey did not expect and muzt now decide vether it is too late to gift zem.

Ze perzons zat got zee mazzivly ugly givt from zee perzon who vill vant to zee it in zee future on a regular baziz.

Zee perzon who got a vairly decent gift but in zee wrong zize, shape, color, fabric, and or body type and flavor.

Zeez mszt be exchanged zumhow with a zuitable explanation for the disappearance of the ugly givt. Blenders, dogs, unraveling in zee dryer, neighbor cats und wind are generally part of the eggskuze uzed to eggsplain mizzing prezents of ziz kind which have been exchaged.


Chriztmaz Card Anxiety iz alzoa chief Pozt-trumatic Dizorder if dey half not yet gone out. Zee Easter card iz und fine tradition und I suggenst it for zoze who cannot get it all together for Christmaz.

Zee best cure for all zeez dizorderz is to give up!

Just ztop it!

You did enough!

Your children own enough toys now to open zere own zhop. Re-box zee onze dey don't play wit and zell zem, on eBay or Overstock.com vich should be enough to pay down your credit card billz, your last zourze of stress except for long staying relatives.

Vell iv zee virst ztep und zolvink problems iz to identify zem, zen I hope zat I have veen helpvul. Zee next step iz to rezt and clear your mind of zeez ztrezzerz.

For this I prefer Zchnapps, ezpecially in ziz zeazon. Zo Irizh Wizkey is alzo vine.

Dr. Pete


We at the Peter Files Blog would once again would like to disassociate ourselves in every way with the thoughts, manner and ideas of Dr. Pete. Folks, do not try this at home.


Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

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Mother, Sarah, Segel, Oops!
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Dr. Pete and the Anxiety Attack

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Once again our readers are strongly cautioned that "Dr. Pete" is not a doctor nor qualified to give advice of any kind, especially not medical advice*. He just thinks he is. You would be better off listening to the advice of a can of worms, if you could hear it, than taking any comments by Dr. Pete as advice. If you can hear the advice of a can of worms, we suggest that you seek medical attention immediately. This is normally the sign of big, big trouble.

Once again it is time for another "session" with Dear "Dr. Pete". Dr. Pete is our consultant Pzychotherapist with no qualifications whatsoever - so what he says does not qualify as advice, barely gossip. But once in awhile it is fun to listen in as he discusses problems with those who are crazy enough to ask him questions.

Dear Dr. Pete,

Ever since I was in a car accident on the Darn Ryan expressway 15 years ago I have been afraid to drive farther than the end of the block and back even though I own the safest car in the world and have installed extra emergency padding and some of the escape features that I remember from the cartoon classic "Speed Racer" that were on the Mach 5. My trouble is, unless I can figure out a way to get my car to jump out of the way of dangerous dust particles like the car in the TV show, I could skid out of control some day and get an owie.

This makes me worry day and night. The walk to the train is really far. By the time I get to the train I am so worried about other cars skidding on dust particles that I often am spinning around in circles trying to blow them off the streets waving my arms so that the cars will see me and not hit me when they skid out of control. How can I fix my car so I can drive to the train station?

Dusty

Dear Dusty,

I zink dat you are cookoo nutzo. I zimpzize vit you vor havink had an accident. Zis can be a traumatic zing and many people have trouble drivink aveterwards a baddy. But zince you do not mention un injury, und you levt a phone number and I spoke vit your wive who said you did not get un "owie" az you call it, I zink you have taken zis un blown it vay, vay, vay out of proportion.

Normally, I vould zay you had panic diztrezz dizorder, vich I encourage you to google und read about. But zince you are vorried about dust particles making your car zkid out of control bubby, I zink you are a fruity loop.

A two zousant pound car, zay a volvo, cannot zkid out of control when it rollz over duzt. Duzt iz not zlippery, nein, nein, nien, you nincompooper!

You could roll over un banana zkin un ztil not havt zee problem vift zee zkidding! Inztead I zink zee banana eez in your brain. Ach!

I zink you zhould zink about vether vhat you really like to do is pretend to be un Jet airplane on your vay to work! Zat would explain maybe zee arms waving and zee puffink zat you are doink. Or, you could just be a dink-donk who needs zee intense zychozerapy zat only zee greatezt ov zee worldz provessionals can provide.

Howefer, I hesitate to reccomend vun because I tink you vould drive dem crazy! I certainly do not vant you in my ovvice, vit your vavink, und your puffink, und your whinink about a travvik accident vifteen yearz old.

Zee only zink I can do, iz quote zee inzights of zee legendary zhrink Dr. Robert Hartley. Vhen convronted vith a behavior like behink unable to drife varther dan zee end of zee block, hiz advice is zee only zing you can try. In ezzence it iz ziss.

"Shtopp IT! Just SHTOP IT"

But, you vill zay

"Shtopp IT!"

But,

"Shtopp IT!"

But

"Shtopp IT!"

My humble verds are a pale imitation of dis master zo I vill zuggezt zat you zearch vor hiz work vich vas richly covered on zee "Bob Newhart Show".

Zat is all zee help I can ovver in a caze ov Cookoo-Woowoo like you hafe written to me about today.

Now, iv you had written to me about being anxiouz about zkidding on zigars, zat is zomtink I could have helped you vith!

Dr. Pete

Well, Dr. Pete offers us an interesting insight into an unstable mind, once again leaving us with the question: who is more crazy - the writer or Dr. Pete?

Tune in again for another exciting episode, when Dr. Pete sends us one. If you have a question for Dr. Pete please send it to: ThePeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and your question could become ridiculed, twisted and subjected to the worst possible interpretation ever. Here are some reader reactions to Dr. Pete.

It is a good thing that Dr. Pete is a fictional character, he would never last as a real shrink. Hinky Shmoe, Wombat, Australia

Dr. Pete is the greatest thing ever. He has really helped me in my major policy decisions. I am very sorry that I have to keep my name anonymous. HEY, I'll just use another initial. No one will guess that! X, Washington, D.C.

I believed Dr. Pete's help once and I wound up in a box down by the church! Heed Peter's warning. Don't follow anything Dr. Pete says. Kenny RIP, Graveyard, CA

There you have it. All the testimony you could want.

*Strictly speaking, "Dr. Pete" is a fictional character. Taking the advice of fictional characters, is as Dr. Pete might term it, "Shtupid!". We do not mean to insult you. We just realize the possibility that this page may be viewed by younger visitors or those who may need this spelled out directly that this is a comedy and parody page and taking this stuff as advice might lead to unfortunate incidences. Like the time we had to withdraw the post about speed eating pretzels, or the one about invading the wrong country just for fun...

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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