Palin's Revere Gate

Just about everyone has heard about Sarah Palin's revisionist telling of Paul Revere's famous ride where she managed to get a few of the easiest and most memorable details of American Revolutionary History wrong and then tried to weasel her way out of it rather than just admit her mistake and move on.

So Paul wasn't riding to warn the British that the Americans knew they were coming, riding his horse, ringing his bell and shooting his gun as Palin claimed. Politicians say all kinds of crazy things. Where's the harm here?

Well, the first problem is that it makes her look ridiculous as everyone knows that Paul was out advertising his Silver shop's midnight madness sale when a light from the old church tower fell onto his hat and created the idea for the world's first fire sale!

The British are coming! The British are coming! Here your Revereware before it's gone, gone, gone! He shouted! Following the old trade route from Lexington to Concord Paul managed to scare up quite a crowd too who happened to be on hand for his free musketball promotion.

One free musketball if by land, two free musketballs if by sea, was enough to get quite a few men out for the Colonies' first blue light sale! Patriot and Hero of Capitalism, no wonder Revere is so Revered by Republicans!

What's that you say? That's closer but it's not how it happened? I'm sorry. Come to think of it I might have filled in a few details on my own. Better check a history book or wiki... Oh, never mind. Good thing I'm not running for president.

Well, at least I admitted my mistake right away just like Sarah Palin did.

What's that? She didn't? She tried to fool all of the people on one of the most basic and well known stories of American History?

How cute? Isn't that precious? She's decided the key to victory is to appear to be as smart as media darlings Paris and Lindsey. All she has to do now is leak her sex tape. What? Say it isn't so.

Whew. It isn't so. Joe Weiner, a Democrat came close enough to that.

So what bothers me about the story is not that she got such basic facts wrong. Facts my 8 year old knew better. What bothers me is she lied about it and tried to get away with it.

We generally hold Presidents to a higher standard. We at least expect them to know which fights are worth fighting and when it is better to admit a mistake and try to move on. This was clearly the only smart way to handle Revere gate yet neither Palin or any of her advisors were smart enough to figure that out in time to avoid severe damage to the credibility of her candidacy. The credibility loss came not so much from making the mistake, but from having no one who was willing to admit the mistake.

I know the version of history listed here is not correct. It's meant to entertain not inform. But our President should never be our Jester, we have VP's for that.

I try to admit my errors and Presidents should too, at least to the degree the job allows. Sure, we all acknowledge that sometimes, for good reasons, Presidents lie. What most of us don't want are Presidents who are so I'll educated that they feel that they have to lie habitually just to keep up. That kind of person just doesn't merit the job and the job should go to someone better qualified.

I'm capable of factual and historical mistakes. That's a given when you write comedy. But I am not a candidate for President and in times like these when candidates want the workers to tighten their belts and improve their performance they better be prepared to do the same darn thing themselves.

If candidates expouse better performance from teachers, then their own spelling, history and math should darn well be up to snuff. Or they'll get a math lesson in 2012 at the polls.

Nb: Errors made in this post are mine. Sorry. I'll try to do better next time.


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Ouch! The Rotator Cuff Saga

Just in case you wondered whether we've fallen off a cliff or something: Just about.

It wasn't quite that exciting, but if the words torn rotator cuff fill you with horror at the image of physical pain involved - you're in the right ballpark.

We, that is I, haven't been able to type for awhile. Makes doing a comedy blog hard. Still in the oochie, owie, yowie, oh mama stage too.

But I've stopped thumb sucking long enough to tell you that we should have some kind of content again soon.

Well today. Right now.

Q; How many people with torn rotator cuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: Ow! Ow! Up? Nooooo!

Q: What's a torn rotator cuff?
A: That tendon in the shoulder that helps your arm move everywhere? That's the sucker. And when it gets torn, every time your arm tries to move anywhere... Owww. Owww. Owww. Owww.

Q: How long will it hurt?
A: Until the end of time. *Sob* Bleat. Moan.

Q: Not really?
A: No it just feels like forever. Now get out of my way I need stiff drink.
Q: You can't have anything stiff to drink unless you want to wind up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson.

Q: What do Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They probably had torn shoulder rotator cuffs.
Q: Not really?
A: No it just felt like they were being skewered on a hot poker for months at a time. What do I know, I stopped making sense months ago. Owwww!

Q: Don't they have medicine for that?
A: You believe in the tooth fairy don't you?
Q: There is medicine for everything else isn't there?
A: Most doctors think a lot of pain is good for you, keeps you conscious enough to pay their bills.

Q: What does having a torn rotator cuff make you feel like?
A: Like trying out a nice simple home amputation.

Q: Do you feel better after the operation?
A: Everyone feels better after a good amputation.

Q: No I mean the rotator cuff surgery.
A: No, you feel worse for a really long time, then you start to get a little better, like a snail on sleeping pills is faster. Till eventually, you feel as bad as when you went in for the surgery in the first place.

Q: Then finally you start to feel better!
A: I'll let you know a year from now.

Q: When you are done will you be able to pitch for the Chicago White Sox?
A: Can't fool me! Everyone knows that the only team that hires pitchers with actively torn rotator cuff is the Chicago Cubs.

Q: Is it a messy operation?
A: No, my doctor looked very clean afterwards I am told. I was also told that my surgery went well despite their finding a tear the size of the Grand Canyon. Truly, the operation itself was the best part. They just woke me up too soon, six months too soon.

Q; How is the physical therapy going?
A: Ever seen a late night horror film?

Q: Surely you are exaggerating.
A: OWW! OWW! Three Four. OWW OWW Seven Eight. My physical therapist is a nice guy who says its going well, I just have to be very patient. In fact, I'm going to be patient, a patient for months and months.

Q: If you knew it was going to be this bad, why did you have the operation?
A: They ALL LIED TO ME and said it wouldn't be too bad. Liars! Liars! Pants on fire all over the region. What could I do, they told me it would be no fun but the alternative was chewing my arm off. I don't think I taste that good.

Q: Any other benefits to the surgery?
A: A nice long juicy SCAR instead of the little holes they said would be there for arthroscopic surgery. I think I'm going to tell people I was in knife fight saving a teenage girl from a street gang when I got it. At least it is a nice straight scar. Good Doctor. Sit. Heel.

Q: Would you have the surgery again?
A: Yes. No way around it.

Q: Was all that whining even close to the truth?
A: Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.

Well I feel much better. If you are contemplating rotator cuff surgery you should know how much better you will feel when it is all fixed and you are back to normal. Really, they tell me this. Repeatedly, so it must be true. Sigh.

Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Four Old Guys: Andy Joke

In a continuation of my jokes forwarded from friends series, this one is from my most regular contributor Andy, who may have been thinking of our friend Mary when he forwarded it. Hee hee hee.

Four Retired Guys

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - All Drinks 10 Cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!

'What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,'What's with them?'

The bartender says,'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Wisconsin. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'


Yeah, stereotypes, don't you love them? Not that this could ever happen. Right? Well, probably not...


Thanks Andy!


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Idiot Sightings: From Holly

These "Idiot Sightings" were forwarded from my friend Holly. She has been careful. She's in a job where she probably sees a lot of idiots, but to save it, I can't tell you what it is, nor which side of the counter the idiots lie...

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower..' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS ..

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare..

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less..


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know.
I already got that side..'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

One last one:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

If you liked these and have humor of your own to share, just send it to thepeterfiles blog at gmail.com and if its funny, I will post it and give it whatever credit you like.


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist - wikiHow

Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist - wikiHow

Because of the Blagojevich stupidy-for-sale scandal, many in Illinois politics may be thinking about taking a quick trip out of the U.S., PERMANENTLY, so, I thought I might republish the link for you this easy wikiHow guide for How To Avoid Looking Like An American Tourist.

In these days when Americans are not always seen as popular overseas, though President-Elect Obama may be helping that image a bit now, fitting in is likely to be more important than before. So this could be timely whether you intend to escape to, er, visit, Argentina, Guatemala, Ireland, Blagoland, West-Ciceonia, or other places in the world you might like to visit. Notice I did not even hint at Sicily. Eh, Tony?

Here's one tip I didn't know. In other countries, ignore what Mom pounded into your head and use your left hand to use your fork. That's right, do what always felt natural all those years! Yes!

But, in general, to travel in other countries is going to mean more dressing up, giving up gym shoes and logos, wearing more black socks, and avoiding logos. Yup, looking like, THEM.

Well, that's the price of fitting in. But, as they say, when in Rome... That's the point isn't it? Learning about another culture by fitting in a bit. Learning a bit of the local patois, the lingo, and about the money, figuring out where you want to go first? That kind of stuff.

It's a pretty good article.

WikiHow's are Fun. Anyone can start one. I considered starting one called "HOW NOT TO APPOINT A REPLACEMENT UNITED STATES SENATOR" but I think between them Rob Blagojevech and Pat Fitzgerald have that material covered.

Wikiguides, are not always perfect, since anyone can start and edit them, but, they can be informative, with things you might not think of.

Ok, the Wiki-how link was supposed to transport the article to this blog in toto: here's what came:

How to Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

________________________

Clearly something went wrong. Now it might be my fault. I have not updated to the new customized, easier to use "widget driven" version of blogger. I just have my own clunky code driven version that I have edited by hand over the years, so it's mine, but not perfect.

So, I've pasted the text in myself. Here goes. Since Wiki's are changed, you have to go to that site to get the updates. So do that. OK?

How to Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist

As an American traveling in a foreign country, the last thing you want to do is stand out like a sore thumb. Not only do you have a greater chance of getting sucked into tourist traps, but you're also a more obvious target for getting mugged or even kidnapped. So, are you aware of the things you do, say, and wear that make you look like the stereotypical tourist?

Steps
Clothing
Ditch the athletic shoes. White athletic shoes (otherwise referred to as tennis shoes, or sneakers) are stereotypically American. Any shoes that don't look like they were meant for exercise will suffice. If you do wear socks, make sure they're dark. Flip-flops are also very noticeable as American attire, unless you're in a country like Brazil where Havaianas reign, or Australia or New Zealand where the Brazilian flip-flops are also ubiquitous.
Buy accessories at local stores, especially ones that you see the locals wearing, like scarves. Sometimes not wearing something could signal that you are a tourist. For example, in some countries, hats or scarves are worn by the majority, or, in winter, most people might wear neck scarves. Also, head scarves in some religious establishments. It would be wise to research this in advance and be prepared to take something with you if you plan to visit religious places.
Avoid US brand name clothing with easily readable names (eg. Nike, Gap, Abercrombie, Patriotic, Texas A&M, etc.). In fact, don't wear any slogans (like "Virginia is for lovers") that will tie you to a specific place. Notoriously American brands are becoming more popular outside of the US due to globalisation, however, it's still a good idea to stick to non-slogan clothing.

Dress a little nicer than usual. Casual dress (wearing sneakers, sweatshirts, t-shirts, jeans, or shorts (especially athletic shorts) instead of slacks or skirts with shirts or blouses) is not as common outside the US. Jeans are not universally accepted as appropriate in all social situations. Take some pairs of trousers or slacks in lieu of jeans. And don't wear shorts, especially if you are a woman. Look around and see whether people tuck their shirts in, or leave them hanging out--sometimes this differs for men and women in the same country.
Dress appropriately for the local weather. Shorts and a t-shirt in cool climates (or winter time) are a clear sign that you are not in touch with the local weather.
Camouflage. What colors do the locals wear? Mostly black and other neutral shades, like in London, or bright, bold colors like in the Caribbean? Wear colors that you see the locals wearing. Your hot pink sweater vest or bright blue collared shirt might be fashionable in Minneapolis, but it won't fly in Budapest.
Leave your baseball hats, backpack and water bottles at home

Food
Take whatever condiments they give you. Requesting typical US condiments (ketchup, salt, pepper, etc.) is a sure giveaway that you are an American tourist. Use the typical condiments in your host country, and if you don't like them or can't bear to eat without your American condiments, bring your own. Take small packets with you to use rather than insisting that the restaurant supply you with it.
Give up the ice. In many parts of the world, you will be served your drinks with little or no ice - much less than you're accustomed to in the US. Of course, if you want ice in your drink because that's how you prefer it and you're paying for it, you're perfectly entitled to ask for it...but the point of this article is to help you avoid being labeled as an American, and requesting ice is a definite giveaway, and be warned, the drinking water of some other countries aren't as safe as the water back at home... the water in the glass might be filtered, but the ice sometimes isn't, and with that you can get a bad case of food poisoning.

Eat local food. Many American tourists visit US chain restaurants for every meal, afraid to dabble in the local cuisine, but becoming a regular at the local McDonald's and Pizza Hut will tip everyone off that you're an American really quickly.
Use local table manners. For example, in Europe, a fork and knife are used differently than in the US. In some Southeast Asian nations chopsticks might be more appropriate.
Order like a local. In some countries, for instance, a salad is the last item served, not the first. In others, people don't eat what we in the US think of as a "salad".
Don't request decaf unless you can see in the menu that it is offered.
Don't ask for a seat in the "non-smoking" section, unless you already know there is one.
Don't insist on drinking “Coke” with every meal.

Behavior
Keep the map out of sight. Pulling out and looking at your map in a public space is a no-no. Study it before you leave your hotel, and if you do need to consult your map, step into a store or any other less public place. Have the maps pre-folded so they may be easily accessed and read. Same goes for other items:

If you must use a dictionary to translate a sign or menu, be discrete. For example, copy down the words of the sign and move aside to a less public place to work out the translation.
Don't carry US newspapers, magazines or books in plain view.

Be quiet! Many Americans are recognized for being louder than is customary in other parts of the world. Large arm and hand movements and boisterous behavior should be avoided until you know how the locals act. Adults in many non-American cultures use lower voices in public places. Either way, you're always better off being a little more reserved and quiet, at least for starters, than blasting onto a foreign scene with your vitality and making the wrong impression.

Don't brag or be showy. When you pull things out of your bag in public to show your friends or family what you purchased, you might as well yell "I have money and I'm ready to spend it, unless you want to take it from me against my will!"

Avoid talking about the local people and culture. Something as seemingly harmless as "Oh, I just love the scarves here!" will mark you as a tourist. And don't assume people can't understand what you're saying, just because you said it in English. In many parts of the world, people are taught to speak English along with their native language.

Mind your personal space. Not every country is as "spacious" as the US (unless you're in New York City, where space is at a premium). When you're at a counter, for example, don't spread out your arms; when you're sitting down on the bus or train, don't stretch out your legs in a way that might get in someone's way.

(Don't put your) Hands in Pockets. If you are touring a religious place or a place of great national pride, it can be considered very disrespectful to have your hands in your pockets.

Don't chew a lot of gum. It's just not very common outside of the US, and even within the US, it's a breach of etiquette under some circumstances.
Don't wear your camera around your neck. When traveling to a foreign country, you are bound to take pictures. However, having a camera strap and wearing it around your neck for easy access is a sure way to look like a tourist. If you can, keep it in a pocket or in a purse and pull it out when needed.

Try to speak the language. Why not try to make an effort to speak the local language? It's a sign of respect and appreciation of the local culture. Learn a few basic words like "Hello", "Please" and "Thank you". Nobody will mind if your accent is not perfect; the fact that you've been willing to speak their language, even when you could well have spoken yours, is a thing that many people appreciate in tourists.


Tips
These are only guidelines. You can do whatever you want as a tourist, but this article outlines some things you might want to avoid doing if fitting in and avoiding unwarranted attention is a concern.

In the UK, most men wear closely-fitted, dark clothing. If you are visiting during winter months, a snugly-fitted jacket will help you blend in with the local crowd.
Avoid baseball caps if possible.

If you are travelling alone, especially a woman, buy the local newspaper and keep it under your arm when walking, or open it if on a bus or train.
Always buy a pair of local shoes - especially what people wear for comfort.


Warnings
Don't wear a fanny pack. They make you a ridiculously easy target for pickpockets. A pickpocket could unzip the fanny pack and effortlessly take out the contents without you being aware.

If you look different (like if you have different color skin, or are more overweight or underweight than everyone else) people are going to think you're a tourist, or at least a foreigner, no matter what. But if you follow the steps above, hopefully they won't think you're a stereotypical American tourist, and they won't treat you as such.

It is best to wear your personal items such as money, ID, passport, credit card, etc. close to your body. You may not feel someone pulling objects out of your pocket. Inner pockets, or pockets on the front are easier to guard.

Don't hold your fork in your right hand. It makes Americans stand out from a distance no matter what they wear or which language they are speaking.

Related wikiHows
How to Be Safe in a Foreign Country
How to Travel Beyond the Tour Bus
How to Travel With One Bag
How to Get Cash when Traveling in Europe
How to Travel to India—Native Style
How to Travel Around the World

Sources and Citations
http://studyabroad.tamu.edu/travel_avoid.asp - Research source.
http://traveltravelfargo.blogspot.com/2008/04/17-ways-to-avoid-looking-like-tourist.html - Research source.

I hope you find this and other articles interesting. I know the last two months I have had less humor and more commentary and theater notices. There is a reason for that. My sense of humor is returning. Remember, with more than 650 posts, just hit the archives for lots of jokes on all kinds of topics, use the blue search box to find them.

Also, please support this blog by using the Amazon search box to do your Amazon holiday shopping! 

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Blago's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Now we've done it! After decades of hard work, we have finally surpassed Louisiana's record in political bumboozlery and allegedly confoundedly stupid greedy stupid behavior.

As commented on at: http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/09/borger.blagojevich/ whether they print it is up to them...

Like most of the public here in Illinois, when he ran for his first term for Governor, sick of the corruption in politics here and saddened by the George Ryan corruption problems, I liked Blagojevich's message, his style, what he had to say in his first campaign for Govenor, but now it seems, after his arrest and release on his own recognizance, like to get an honest job out of these folks at the top we have to wire them 24/7.

Today's events, the early morning FBI arrest of Illinois' Governor Rod Blagojevich and his Chief of Staff Ron Harris may not be the end of trust of all Government officials, but it feels like the beginning of the end. The only ray of hope was the continued refusal of the Obama people, as I read the warrant support affidavid even to consider payback of an kind.

I guess the worst part, the lowest part of reading the warrant support affidavit, was hearing the allegation and possibility (paragraph 73, page 44 of the Affidavit in support of the arrest warrant) that Mrs. Blagojevich may have initiated the idea of using the Tribune Company's  desire to sell the Cubs with financing from the State of Illinois as a way to solicit the firing of key Tribune Newspaper (one of many Tribune Company Properties) Editorial Board Members who had written anti-Blago editorials. (See the CNN story for the links). 

Oh, how I had wanted Patty B. to be free of any links to this mess. Maybe the Feds got it wrong and it was just a female aide in the Blagojevich home shouting a suggestion  to Blago and "Deputy Governor A "...to hold up that F******* Cubs S***.... F*** them" as a way mess up the Tribune board plan. At least she was not on the payroll of Illinois, and so not subject to these indictments(I hope for the kids sake). No more hints at bad language here. I have a standard to maintain. I guess he won't be appointing her for the Senate Seat as a last ditch bail out after all, or is he that stupid?

So, the Governor's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day is a lot worse than "Alexander's, Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by wonderful Children's Author and Illustrators Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz because Alexander's day, well, read the story for that. In fact, you can use the Amazon.com search box or this link to buy it, but Blago's troubles are just staring.

We can now only hope for true reform in Illinois and other states to come from this debacle. The need for Gubernatorial appointments of Senate replacements is long gone. Special Elections, even, "horrors" without a primary can be mandated to happen quickly by law, with a follow-up general election.

Time to take out this model-T of an electoral process and junk it.

Unless of course, this is some kind of "Awful evil dream".*
*Leonard Vole - Agatha Christie's Witness for the Prosecution

When Government becomes Parody, it may be time to find new Governors...

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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The Girls Screamed 69!

One spring day I was walking past the athletic field of a local girls high school the other day and a throng of high school girls behind its fence were were shouting enthusiastically "69.... 69.... 69...!"

As they kept it up, I got more and more curious, but the wooden fence was too high to see over. 

I knew better of course, but when I saw a little gap in the planks, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through to see what was going on.

Then one of the girls poked me in the eye with a stick.

They all started shouting '70.... 70.... 70...!"

If you thought this was a dirty joke, shame on you! This blog is a clean blog, but sometimes people with dirty minds come to the wrong secretions. Here we strive to be always Safe for work, home, truth, justice and the American way. Wait, based on internet usage that seems to be p.... Never mind.

Thanks to Andy for this joke that I have twisted all out of proportion. You can send me a joke too and get credit if you wish. Just send it to: {http:// thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}.

Remove the extra spaces, replace the at and dot with an @ and . and you'll have the address. Add the word Joke in the title line please. Tell me if you want credit for you. I don't do ANYTHING with your email address, except maybe make friends with you myself. I hate spam.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Feedback to My Email Forwarding Friends

A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you:

I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .

And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.

I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.

Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.

But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!

If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears. 

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way......

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems. 

Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post,  all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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CNN on Britney Spears

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Toddler Nightmare: Toddler Blown Into Lake Michigan Submerged for 15 Minutes and Lives

You'd think this wasn't a comedy blog anymore. It is! But no parent can help feeling bad for the grandfather who saw his 2-year-old grandson blown into Lake Michigan and founder underwater until he was pulled out and rushed to a hospital by emergency crews after 15 minutes submerged.

A parent's nightmare. Really. When you first realize that your wife is pregnant along with the joy are the worries of all the things that have gone wrong to others that creep into your thoughts and dreams. A friend saw her three-year-old bounce off the bed, through a screen and out the three story window of her apartment. Fortunately into the bushes below.

"Mom! Can I do that again!"

She still quivers a little when she tells that story behind the laughs as she tells it.  Be careful where you let your toddlers bounce is the moral of that tale.

The moral of this tale is, be very careful when walking a small child along a pier along any body of water if you yourself cannot swim.

When my son was three I took him down to the harbors along the lakeshore.  I let him walk down the piers and look right into the water. He laughed and giggled and had lots of fun. But this story does not make me worry that this was a dangerous thing to do. I was prepared for that activity.

First, it was a calm weather day. No heavy winds.

Second, as a teenager I earned both the Boy Scouts Scout Lifeguard Award, the rough equivalent to the Red Cross Water Safety Instructor except that it also has a rowing requirement, I followed that up with Red Cross Advanced Life Saving and Red Cross CPR in College, then before our son was born, my wife and I got certified in Red Cross Infant and Child CPR at a local hospital.

If my son had fallen into the water I would have been able to pull him out in seconds. Had he stopped breathing, I knew what to do while running to a phone to call 911. Though I had a cell phone with me so that was not needed. But I was prepared. You can be too.

If you live near a large body of water be careful near it. Keep close to kids, near the water if you can't swim.

The grandpa in this case did one thing right. By not jumping in when he did not know how to swim he did not cause a double-drowning. Instead, someone saw him and that gave his grandson the best chance he could get.

Never risk a double drowning, but if you know how, this is the order to do it.

Reach

Throw

Row

But only go if you know how. If you do, try to bring something that floats, like a ring buoy (life preserver) (they are to be thrown over the shoulders of a victim and drawn back not aimed at the head!) or an inflatable something. 

Don't ever let a panicked swimmer grab you. Especially by the neck.

Let's keep this family in our prayers.

And as the sporting season starts, make sure you have a safety vest for everyone on your boat. Not only is it the law, but it prevents tragedies on very small craft.

They are an absolute must for canoes.

I will never forget the year after earning Scout Lifeguard being on a 30 mile canoe trip with a non-swimmer in the bow of my canoe. We were on the White River, near Whitehall, Michigan, just where it starts to feed into White Lake. About a half hour before we would land at Arf n' Barf.

He was wearing his vest. But he was also painfully thin.

It was a windy day and we actually had waves on this part of the river that were 6 to 8 inches high. Very unusual. Most of the river is only a foot to 3 feet deep. But at this part it opens up to about 12 feet deep. I was in the stern, the back of the canoe that controls or steers where the canoe would go. He wanted to move further back and I told him No!

He stood up in the canoe to move back anyway. Without his paddling we started to turn sideways to the wind and waves. I yelled to him as gently as I could to be careful and stay low so that he would not present himself like a sail to the wind. He stood straight up to hear me better, then lost his balance. Over we went.

The canoe turned upside down. I immediately came to the surface. He was not on my side of the canoe. I dived, wearing my vest this was hard, under the canoe to make sure he was not trapped underneath it then came up on the underside of it. He was not on the other side. But his vest was.

The kid was so thin that he had slid right out of his life vest and gone straight to the bottom of the river which had a mud bottom. I yelled to some of the older kids behind us to come then dove down to the bottom.

I could see him down there, barely, through the muddy water. He was not moving or struggling. Fighting the pull of the vest was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the water was at least 12 feet down and perhaps 15, it took all my strength.

He looked up at me, reached up to me with his hand, I grabbed it and pulled him into a cross-chest carry with control and the vest rocketed us up to the surface. At the top he exploded out the breath he had been holding.

When I shouted at him why hadn't he tried to come up to the surface he shrugged and said. "I was waiting for you. I knew you'd come get me." Nice. Very nice. By this time a couple of the other canoes got there and I had lashed the kid back into his vest and pushed him into one of the other canoes. We then did a maneuver called canoe over canoe rescue.

To do this you need a second canoe. While the overturned canoe is still upside-down you push one end down so that the other end comes up over the middle of the other canoe. Then you push the over turned canoe up until it is balanced on the middle of the other canoe upside down. Then when it is balanced in the middle, you can turn the canoe over out of the water and slide it back into the water floating. Then the person(s) in the other canoe can hold both canoes together by the thwarts, sides, to make it easier for the people in the water to get back in.

This was in some ways the most panicked of all, I wanted us to get back in the canoe before our Scoutmaster and assistant scoutmaster came around the bend and saw what had happened. I did not want them to know that I had dumped a 10-year old non-swimmer to the bottom of While Lake and almost drowned him. The current had been moving fast. If I had missed him on that first attempt, I don't know if I could have found him on a second try. It was terrifying.

I also did not know if I had the strength for a second or third try given the depth and the strength it took to fight the life vest and my own considerable natural buoyancy. The senior scouts with me and the kid looked at each other in shock.

"Pete", one said, "You almost really screwed that one up."

"Yeah," said another, "But you didn't."

"Hey," I said, "What Willy doesn't know," our Scoutmaster, "won't cause him any lost sleep or tears."

"Right." They all agreed.

"You!" The biggest of the lot said to the kid. "Keep your mouth shut about this and your butt in the bottom of the canoe."

I used what we called Willy-rope, rope our Scoutmaster used to get from tossed-out rope from his employer to tie the vest onto the kid and sat him down while we were still together. I was tempted to tie him to the canoe, but that was unsafe. We moved close to the North bank of the river, the Arf N' Barf side, and moved together as a group the last mile or so to our landing place well ahead still of the last of the 30 canoes with Willy in it.

I don't know if he ever learned that story.

Ten years later I was at my one of my sister's weddings and the kid's sister came up to me.

"Hi Peter," she said in a manner that was a lot friendlier than I would have expected given our lack of time spent together. She was my sisters' friend after all. I said Hi. She looked around. Noticed that we were sort of alone, then she grabbed me and kissed me. Hard.

"Wow! What was that for? I mean, thanks."

"You'll know what that was for if you think a little.:

"What?"

"Done any canoeing lately? Say on the White River at Owasippe?" Then the penny dropped. I knew that she knew. "Thanks. I really have liked having my brother around for the last 10 years. You know he only told me that story recently so its still a little shocking. I don't know what I would have done..."

That's more than you need to know. It made me feel good that someone knew and remembered what had happened. Not my stupidity in letting the situation get that far, though I had done all the warning I could have. But I was even gladder to hear how well he had done since then. That was the best news of all.

Switching back to the news story. This toddler has a possible future just like the kid in my story. It may be that he goes on to a great life. I sure hope so. But all those involved in his rescue deserve kudos for the attempt, from the stranger who stopped and called it in, to each hospital worker. Each life touches so many others. Each one we save, touches thousands more.

And I did not act alone. I was in the position to go to the bottom. But I had the support of the other canoes that rushed to my side. They just didn't help me hide it from Willy. That really wasn't important in the long run. They helped me get the kid out of the water fast. And back into a safe canoe, in a life vest.

When you go out in the water this summer, make sure you wear a properly fitting life vest.

For more on the toddler story on CNN click here

To see maps of the area of the canoe trip around the White River and the Owasippe Scout Reservation click here or at the Help Save the Owasippe Scout Reservation link at the top of my Sidebar. You will have to navigate to the maps of Owasippe. 

Note: The White River trips started at Canoe Central near the Administration Center and Horse Corral and Ended in Whitehall at Dog 'n Suds which had great food. After almost two weeks of camp food it was like heaven on earth despite our nickname for it.

 
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Jeff Foxworth for President to Beat Ralph Nader's Candidacy into Armadillo Roadkill

Jeff Foxworth has apparently announced that he is running for President because Ralph Nader has thrown his hat into the Ring again. Yes, again.

I used to respect old Reptile Nose, but now that he's become a repeated spoiler for the Republicans who stand for the reverse of what he does, I think that Ralph has become an idiot who is just serving his ego instead of the interests he purports to serve.

I wonder if he sells more books every times he runs. Or other things. Does he make or lose money at it?

Perhaps he is just deluded.

I'd rather vote for Foxworthy myself, though if I had to pick a candidate, I'd probably pick Bob Newhart. He's had a Jesuit Education AND been an Actor.

Here's the story from new Peter Files Blog friend Blog Josh Goller's Adjust Yourself.




Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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How Did You Spend Your Leap Day?

So, how did you spend your leap day? That extra day we get every four years, give or take the ones added or subtracted for century or millennia occasions. Wiki it if you like to get the formula.

Was there anything special about the day for you? Did you take some time off? Spend a few extra minutes surfing on line? Call a friend? Order a pizza but then realize you couldn't put meat on it (if you were a practicing Catholic or Jewish or possibly Hindi (at least not sausage)).

If you were an accountant type did you realize that salaried folk got hit up for an extra day of work for no extra pay while union hourly types got an extra 8 hours pay but that everyone has an extra day of work because of leap year? It seems that we should have a day off on February 29th 2 days out of every 7 leap years.  Better yet, why not make it a holiday - say - History of Time awareness day. Not a big enough holiday to celebrate every year, but big enough to take a day off once every 4 years.

Think about it. The commercial possibilities are endless.

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Greeting Cards:

• I'll still be leaping for you 4 years from now!
• I forgot about my boyfriend and leapt for you last night, it was great, see you in 4 years!
• Hey, diddle, diddle, was that you I saw leaping over the moon last night you #%*& cow!

T-Shirts:

• I Shoulda Looked on Leap Years Now I'm Stuck With This Guy And His Kids! (Arrow)
• Take a Leap for (insert disease here). The Quadrennial Long Jump Competition where every inch counts.

I only bring the whole Leap Year topic  up because an awful lot of people seem to be looking for leap-year jokes and looking here for them. Unfortunately I hadn't put any up here - till now.

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Q: What did the blonde name her leap-year's-baby?

A: Leap Ear

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Q. What College did she send daughter Leap Ear to?

A. Look Before U.

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Q. At college Leap Ear Met the Son of Environmentalists who named him to commemorate an environmental disaster while affirming the importance of passion in life. They decided to blend their names in marriage. What would their new names be?

A. He became Love-Leap Ear-Canal and she became Leap-Love Canal-Ear. They almost broke up over whether to have their honeymoon at Lover's Leap or Love Canal when Leap Ear's Mother gave them free tickets to Disneyworld. After all, if you love ears, you can't pass on a free trip to Disneyworld.

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The blond guy got called into his boss' 20th floor office. He was about to be fired for missing a mandatory staff meeting.

"But Boss", he said, "our meeting software has bugs in it all the time, so when it showed a staff meeting on an alleged 'February 29th' instead of March 1st, I figured it went goofy again and used my standing first of the month time off request to visit my sick Mom at the rest home."

The boss said, haven't you ever heard of 'Leap Year'?

The blond guy said, "Hey, I'm a team player, you want me to leap, you just tell me how high!"

At that the boss just opened his window and said, "Try six feet...."

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Baby New Year sang to Father Time: "Jeepers Creepers Where'd you get those Leap Years!"

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I'll admit these are pretty lame, but they are original. Just be glad I didn't add 17 lines to the Baby New Year's Song!

Oh, my leap day was spent mostly in bed feeling fluish. I didn't even know I was fluish.  I don't even own one of those round black hats. I respect the flues. I get a flue shot every year. In my right arm. Or my left arm. Sometimes the nurse shoots me somewhere else occidentally. I don't mean to seem to be needling fluishness but I've been reading Woolly Allen all day. 

Apparently my bed is Without Feathers. But I learned how to Cheat Death, just play chess with him, or checkers, or backgammon, or use a striped deck. I don't know why stripes help, maybe they confuse death. After reading this whole book of his collected short stories I have learned a lot about being fluish, its just like being Iris, only you can eat more things together if you're Iris and you only get starved to death or blown up if you're Iris whereas if you're fluish they get you a whole lot of other ways.

I think the score is probably something like Iris 1.5 million killed, starved to death, blown up since about 1500 (facts need checking), flues 7 million going back to when G_D didn't want people to use the vowel in his name and had this great secretary named Moses who knew when to quit taking down commandments before they got silly. Though I sometimes wish "Though shalt not pester thy father or mother endlessly in the store for stuff" had gotten in there somewhere. Probably because HE knew it would do no good anyway. Why put in a commandment that would only undermine his authority?

This is where having had the flue for 5 days is bad. Not because I am open to charges of worshipping a porcelain idol, albeit an American Idol, from Wisconsin, in fact, but because I don't know when to quit.

So if I have insulted you I am sorry. If I have bored you. Now that makes me feel really yucky. My spell checker tells me that yuck is a work but that yucky is not.

I am certain that the phrase "rumpshy-gumpshy in the trash bank" does not qualify as a commonly used idiom for "about to toss my cookies" either, though I heard it from my father every time I wanted to throw up, in fact students of Pavlov might wonder whether after some years the relationship might have reversed itself.

Well, on that note, most of you can pretty well be assured that your leap year's day was better and more comfortably spent than mine. Especially after my son started jumping up and down on my bed yelling "Pillow Fight!"

YUCKY!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker

The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Department of Cheap Laughs: Blonde Jokes

Can't help it, its time for some more blonde jokes sent in by a blonde reader who wishes to remain nameless. She went to court and tried to remove her name and was angry when she found out that she would have to replace it with a new one.

Remember, many of these could apply to blonde males, and of course, feel free to use your word processor to search replace these jokes with the hair color of your choice. They are just as funny. In fact, they probably mostly stand without any reference to hair color at all, but then, we have to keep the dark and red hair color industry in business, now don't we.

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate' on the label.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like heck... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function do blondes have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's. Clearly more blondes are needed in Washington!

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How do you know that their boss is a blonde?
A: There are red pencil corrections over the screen and white-out.

O.K. this one is really mean.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

This isn't much better.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

And finally,

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

I was blonde when I was little, but then I grew out of it.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Medical Jokes From Those In The Profession

These were submitted by my friend Andy S. and are hilarious and bear the marks of being traveled around the internet before coming to him. However, if they have been published by a copyright owner who cares, please let me know and I'll take it right down.

You can be like Andy and send me a joke and I'll give you the attribution you want, just send me a funny joke by submitting it in a comment with how you'd like it to appear. Since I approve all comments BEFORE they appear, any contact information you put in will not automatically go out onto the internet. Send me something funny and I'll make it a new post, just for you.

The oldest Doctor joke I know:

Patient: "Doctor, it hurts every time I turn my wrist this way!"
Doctor: "So, don't turn your wrist that way!"

Variants: Arm, Head, Hit myself with a Blank, etc.

Now to Andy's Jokes:

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1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed
that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"
I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Everybody laughs at kumquats! Why is that?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Why You Should Never Lie To Your Mother!

This gutbuster from my friend A.M. is rated P.G. for your Parents Got you!

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the
course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but
notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer
and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an
e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle
from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take
the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from
his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm
not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But
the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her
own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Busted! If Mom doesn't know, she always has a way of finding out, doesn't she?

Hope you liked this one! If you did, please leave a comment and forward this post to your friends by clicking on the envelope icon below!!!!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Our Dog of a Hard Drive Ate Your Lesson Plans Honey

Dear Honey,

Sorry to leave you such bad news taped to the computer so early in the morning, but I thought it best to get out of the house for a little early morning exercise after staying up all night trying to find your missing computer files.

Brace yourself, I think that dog of a hard drive of ours ate your lesson plan folder.

Seriously.

I spent most of last night looking for the files you asked me to, but could not find them. I am hoping that I just misunderstood the file names or the places you keep things, but I don't think so.

Really, it's not my fault. I thought that the drive causing the problems was an old external drive and not our internal drive, and well, I think I was wrong.

If you cannot find copies in your internet email sent folder, perhaps, your Principal Mr. Whizbang, has not deleted his copies? You do email them to him each week, right? He wouldn't just delete them, would he?

Gulp? Hard thing to ask him for though, I know.

Have you kept paper copies? Yes?

In the classroom?

If so we can scan those (I mean, at home) so that you have a record of what happened, and then move on from there. Because your lesson plans have such simple graphics, it may be able to convert them to text WITHOUT corrective typing! Woo Haa!

I tried to find all of the remaining school-related files and build links to them or move them directly to the main Mac Hard Drive. Then I backed them up on your personal folder on the newer "The Truth" drive which I just renamed.

The "bad" drive has been turned off and should not be a problem again. I mean the old drive. If the Data was eaten by the internal drive we have real problems, but I am now backing up things regularly to "The Truth". Bet you will be glad to know that "The Truth" is out there now. Protecting us, I mean.

If the internal drive on our Mac dies completely, well, getting an internal drive replaced on an 800Mhz G4 iMac, well, we might as well upgrade to one of the new 3 Ghz iMacs for the money we'd spend. But I think we could do it, technically. Let's cross that dual-core when we come to it.

At any rate, so you that you could find files and things more easily, I moved copies of those early lesson plan files for reading and social studies to the hard drive. I could not find any for math and science! But the later ones you wanted were gone. I also built links to the files you have put on all our external drives on the main Mac drive so that you did not have to hunt for them anymore. Your links are all colored red now too so that you can find them easily.

Please don't delete anything without checking with me. Since I started making these links for you files you put on external drives may not really be a copy.....

While searching for your student teacher's book order, I did find a cd on which I had burned all the 2006 files at one point, so perhaps I made a backup earlier in 2007 too, I hope so, I will look for that tomorrow. I remember wanting to last month, I just don't know if I got to it. I slipped and fell down the back stairs just around then so I might have forgotten too.

Oh, on the other topic, I did not find your student teacher's book order in the stack that is now on the floor or the computer table, or the two bins of computer-related output, so don't look there.

I love you!

Peter

(P.S. one of the searches I set up was inside all of the text documents for the the name of your school and that did not pull up any later lesson plans. So I think that is really it. There is a small chance that getting file recovery software might work, but with only a gig left on our main drive the chances that the free space isn't overwritten and trashed regularly is pretty remote.)

They say truth is stranger than fiction. Is "The Truth" really out there, or is this fiction? Only "Peter" and his Teacher Honey know in ... The Peter Files.....

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Man With Back Injury Slips on Soapy Foot and Injures Toe

Chicago - Peter Files Press International: Man With Back Injury Slips on Soapy Foot and Injures Toe, Eenie, Meenie and Miney Unavailable For Comment

Um, that would be me!

If only I had had a camera running. My left leg fell completely under my upper leg.

My foot was so slippery there was no resistance.

My left big toe tried to stop it all and got twisted back.

My right arm tried to forestall my descent through the bathroom doorway to the vinyl floor of the kitchen at 32 feet/second squared and failed pulling the toe in the opposite direction that nature intended and causing a gash in my right arm.

Yippie, yappie, yahoooie.

I need to visit Dr. Jack. When he gives me a shot I usually drop it in a beer, follow it with a beer or have the shot in an Ice cold Coca-Cola. But I haven't seen Dr. Jack in a long time, sigh.

Well, we'll see if I have to go to the emergency room tomorrow.

In the mean time, I suppose if I have to, I could get bewitched and settle for a call from Dr. Bombay, preferably with a little 7-Up or tonic.

Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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CTA Doomsday and A New Travel Mode For The 21st Century: Will We Be Driven To it By Inept Legislators

----------------
Now playing: Koko Taylor - But On The Other Hand
via FoxyTunes

I have a commentary and a cool video for you.

Being from Chicago and having lost friends to the Death Ryan Expressway, I very strongly support Public Transportation, especially in high-density, high population areas where well-funded, customer-oriented public transportation can make a dramatic difference in the quality of urban life and reduce the cost of moving people, commercial and industrial freight through ever constricting and congesting highway and rail corridors, especially those where air travel is already maxed out and difficult to move through in this post 9/11 era.

Transit is much safer, 10 times safer per mile than highway driving. I have nearly lost my own life to drunk drivers several times (not myself[!]) including last January when one actually struck my car going 90 on 294. My being alive has a lot to do with defensive driving skills and lots of time behind the wheel, and luck.

Chicago is an excellent example of a city where public transportation, facing incredible financial constraints as the State, County and City Governments have failed to find a stable way to effectively replace the $80+ million dollars a year of Federal operating assistance that the Chicago Transit Authority, or CTA, used to receive in the 80's (a deficit of nearly a Billion Dollars since then!!!)

Of course all public transit properties operating more than 50 buses daily lost at least some funds across the nation, but Illinois, with its upstate/downstate baby-nana-poo-poo-funding-fighting that failed to provide a really stable source of funding for public transportation operations in the state. Since CTA is a state-funded agency, operated under the six-county Regional Transit Authority, funding support should happen at all three levels. Some may not know that in addition to operating service in the city of Chicago, CTA also provides service to 22 suburbs. Many more if you include those who use Metra to come in from farther out then use CTA once in Chicago.

Why am I thinking about this? Because as our local news, WBBM, WMAQ, WLS, WTTW, WFLD, both TV and Radio where applicable and WBEZ-FM the NPR affiliate have been reporting, CTA's "doomsday" is November 4, 2007.

That's the day that CTA must implement "Draconian" cuts in service and staff to balance its budget as required by law.

At least the cuts planned are motivating. They eliminate just about all of the express bus service that brings suburbanites that don't pay extra sales tax that supports CTA to their offices downtown and puts them on regular buses with the rest of us. It also cuts a lot of the services (see list) that made CTA more efficient unfortunately including the crosstown X express routes that skipped routes and really made service on key routes more efficient.

Worse yet, the "crisis" allows Huberman the new CTA President to cut hundreds of CTA positions held by qualified, experienced individuals, and fill them with political hires in direct violation of the Shackman lawsuit agreement. IS this funny or what!

What's at stake is the customer satisfaction of those making only a million and a half rides a day.

What's the big deal, none of those people vote anyway do they? Wrong.

It's not like a lot of them could just decide to drive tomorrow and really mess up traffic? Wrong. Most CTA riders choose to ride CTA and can afford to buy another car according to Grant Funded independent research.

And CTA deserves cuts, they've been losing riders for decades! Wrong! Ever since the CTA got serious about doing real system level peer-review-able Customer Satisfaction survey and acting on what customers said, since they started noticing after the first survey in 1996 and 1997 CTA ridership has reversed the trend of decades and has been going up since then.

This is not a sign of failure, nor is it a time to cut riders and support staff. The idea is ludicrous! Between growth in congestion and Chicago's population the only sane thing to do is grow CTA.

Of course, I do have one commute option for legislators who wish to cut CTA's budget. It would work equally well from the top of the Sears Tower, the John Hancock, the Spire, or any real downtown building. Unfortunately, unless they have any really large buildings near their home it might be a ONE-WAY commute option, so I strongly suggest they try it out before voting against any CTA funding initiatives.

Feel free to email them this option by sending this page using the envelope below. Or you can email them thhe link to this page along with your own letter at the Save Transit In Chicago Website which will automatically find and send letters to your legislators.

If nothing else, at least the view will give them an overview on the problem!

You can also call them using this portion of the same website it will help you find your rep's phone numbers.

After all that -- you deserve this video, if you can't see it, double click on the link above or try using the Safari web browser,


Don't be surprised if a little editing and spell-check/grammar work is done on this one, the pizza is here!

Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

---

We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!

Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

---

We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!

----------------
Now playing: Koko Taylor - But On The Other Hand
via FoxyTunes

===> We love comments about our posts good or bad!

Please make comments by clicking on the word "Comments"!

Click on the Envelope to forward posts to your friends! Thank you! The staff.

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