I hope you won't be freaked out by this, but my site meter keeps a little info on who comes to visit and right now in the wee hours of the morning its someone at a school I considered going to, the Katholieke Universiteit of Leuven.
But they had NO scholarships for Americans then and I couldn't put together a master's degree program funding without it.
So hurray to you, whomever you are, student or faculty!
Domain Name kuleuven.be ? (Belgium) IP Address (Katholieke Universiteit Leuven) ISP Katholieke Universiteit Leuven Location Continent : Europe Country : Belgium (Facts) State/Region : Vlaams-Brabant City : Leuven Lat/Long : 50.8833, 4.7 (Map) Distance : 4,158 miles Language Dutch nl Operating System Linux UNIX Browser Firefox Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686 (x86_64); nl; rv:1.9.1.4) Gecko/20091016 Firefox/3.5.4 Javascript version 1.5 Monitor Resolution : 1920 x 1200 Color Depth : 24 bits Time of Visit Nov 24 2009 4:29:39 am Last Page View Nov 24 2009 4:36:59 am Visit Length 7 minutes 20 seconds Page Views 3 Referring URL http://images.google...25&hl=en&start=12&um Visit Entry Page http://thepeterfiles...ust-need-little.html Visit Exit Page http://thepeterfiles...ust-need-little.html Out Click Time Zone UTC+1:00 Visitor's Time Nov 24 2009 11:29:39 am Visit Number 65,614
Nb: the time on site is often understated. Especially if it is zero. You usually have to go to a second page for me to get any idea how long you were there.
Sometimes I write commentary and this is the time for commentary. I have been taking a little break, except for a brief review, and a joke or two, but now that the election is so close, I think it's time for me to say something definitive.
I've mostly just made fun of Bush. As comic, that's been fun. As the worst President in US history he's given me a lot of material. I hope not to have so much material with the next US president.
I am so upset, myself about the situation in this country, it's made it hard to write comedy lately, especially, given how hard things have been for Americans. Making fun of bear markets, foreclosures, students who can't pay for school have left a bad taste in my mouth.
The increasing rancor in this election has been even worse. I think if nothing else, that would have pushed me over the edge. Not since Nixon have we seen the kind of dirty tricks politics that I have been seeing in this election. Calling Obama a terrorist, allowing calls for his death. What decade is this, 1960? These kinds of things are unforgivable. I lived through the riots of the 1960's. The national guard was posted in a park one block away from my apartment when I was eight. I don't want to see a generation of the kids who are in high school right now, girls and boys now, drafted and sent to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Korea and Russia to die under McCain and that is the future I see.
I also see enormous hypocrisy on some of his key issues, the pro-life agenda for one. With all the years of Republican administrations there have been no effective pro-life programs funded that would really make a difference in creating wide-scale options to reduce the number of abortions because they were anti-Republican in nature. If they really cared about the issue the way they say they do, there could have been programs beyond abstinence. Programs for funding education for single mothers of children without husbands, programs for paying for hospital and day-care costs, programs for helping to expand adoptions services. Making abortion illegal was not the only way to go. Did they try to do anything like that. No. Not through Reagan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr. and we can darn well expect nothing of the like to happen with McCain either. Anyone who expects anything different is fooling themselves.
Why? Because the Republican Party is all about taking away options and not giving anything back. That's how I feel about it. Taking away scholarship options, taking away funding of transit, taking away anything that helps individuals.
I don't know what is going to happen in this election. I don't know what Obama is going to do. But I think he is our best chance for a recovering economy. Our best chance for peace. Our best chance for education and a hundred other issues. And yes, if you are a pro-life person who wants alternatives to abortion, I think he is your best chance to get them funded too. In fact, I think its now, or NEVER.
So, listen to what Retired General Colin Powell has to say. I was very impressed. He summarizes a lot of what I felt. I was very surprised that he bought into the Weapons of Mass Destruction debacle. I was pleased to hear him admit his mistake later. He's one of the few Republicans I would vote for, for President, because of his integrity and his clear sense of personal honor. I hope he gets Sec Def back.
And don't be offended by my political opinions. I respect yours. You have a right to them. Just don't expect me to approve any comments with hate in them. And to the military. I support you. I just wish you were home with your families. Tomorrow.
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part II Troubled by the "Muslim" issue when Obama is a Christian. The commitment and death of Muslim-American Soldiers in Iraq. His Endorsement for President, who he will vote for in the election. The William Ayers issue. Connecting Obama to Ayers is a "terrible stretch its demagogory".
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part III "It is not easy for me to disappoint Senator McCain in the way that I have this morning...I think we need a transformational figure, a transformational Change, and that's why I am supporting Senator Barrack Obama."
A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you:
I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .
And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.
I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.
Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.
But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!
If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way......
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems.
Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post, all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?
Mandatory free school busing in all school districts reduces parent auto drop-off and pick up use.
Methane collection vents in the top of all rib joints, firehouses and country bars.
Whether events are inside or outside, the use of mandatory portable wind-powered electricity generators at all political election events, fundraisers or debates.
Threaten oil-producing states with U.S. forced air broadcasts of The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, Menudo Concerts, The Cheetah Girls, Charlie's Angels, Miami Vice, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and 24-hour repeats of all Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview specials ever recorded on several open-air TV channels.
If they resist, threaten them with Richard Simmons exercise videos, Roseanne, Maude, and our secret weapon, Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
Require gas stations to give away a free bicycle after every $3,000 of gas purchased. (10 SUV fill-ups).
Mandatory 4-day work weeks in summers with 9 hour workday max (Mondays off? We all hate them anyway).
This will reduce work commute gas consumption by 20% in summertime when they soak us for high prices anyway. Threaten to do the same thing in winter when there is no sunlight to do anything fun anyway.
Downtown Parking Garages must give 40% discounts to those who arrive with 2 passengers before 9am. They collect signed forms to use for tax rebates to offset cost.
According to an AP report cited on CNN today: "China's Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi left Thursday for a trip to Japan where he is expected to finalize details for a landmark official visit by China's President (Hu) early next month."
Peter Files Blog inexpert political souses have inferred from thin air that security arrangements for the Chinese President may include a surprise "Security Detail" of 5,000 tanks, 4,000,000 troops and an as yet undetermined lead-painted Thomas The Tanks Engine Red Trains.
When asked about the security arrangements by our Peter Files Blog China Desk Correspondent an unnamed spokesperson on the Chinese Delegate Staff had this to say:
Spokesperson: "Who you taking about?" Peter Files Blog: "That's Right, Hu." Spokesperson: "Who?" Peter Files Blog: "Hu!" Spokesperson: "He'll be coming to review." Peter Files Blog: "The new Hu review?" Spokesperson: "It may be a Zoo." Peter Files Blog: "We heard his security detail might include troops?" Spokesperson: "Whoops! Where did you get that idea, we no bring troops." Peter Files Blog: "Are you sure Hu's not bringing 4,000,000 troops?" Spokesperson: "This is a peaceful visit, who would bring troops on a peaceful visit? But Chinese exports include Hula Hoops! Peter Files Blog: "Hu's bringing hoops?" Spokesperson: "No hoops or troops! This peaceful visit! Peaceful!" Peter Files Blog: "Many Thanks." Spokesperson: "No, there will be no Tanks coming on this visit either!" Peter Files Blog: "Not Tanks, Thanks, many thanks for your time." Spokesperson: "No the rumor that President Hu's detail bring 5,000 tanks absolutely unfounded! You twist my words!" Peter Files Blog: "Who's detail?" Spokesperson: "You know who's detail, Hu's detail, the President's detail! President Hu's detail!" Peter Files Blog: "The President is Bush?" Spokesperson: "The President of China is not tired! He is full of energy! He does not need to bring army, I mean Security Detail to keep him awake." Peter Files Blog: "Not like the American President. I'm not sure if he's awake even when he's awake." Spokesperson: "Achoo!" Peter Files Blog: "There you go again. Who?"
After reviewing this transcript, the Peter Files Blog Regrets this article and has decided to re-classify it from news/commentary to political satire and humor and to consider getting a new China Desk. They tend to be expensive so we may just hire a new foreign correspondent instead.
Who?
We just don't know.
Any volunteers. You?
The Peter Files Comedy Blog Paranoia Squad asks, why is it that it was the RED trains that were lead painted?
Home of the Best Doctor Who Podcast in Time and Space
