Steven Wright Videos. Steven is one of the funniest driest comics around. If you like this stuff you will go to the iTunes store or over to Amazon or even a local record store and buy all his stuff, even these routines so you can take them with you on your iPod, I mean, your portable media player.
I hesitated for a long time about putting these up, but apparently, Wright's camp has only objected to some of the material being taken down. For example, parts 4-5 of the material below come from his "I Still Have a Pony" album. If he had wanted it all taken down, You Tube would have had it taken down immediately. So clearly, they see some value in having some of his material up. (In the same vein, I will take down any copyrighted material immediately upon notification of the original copyright owner and I usually avoid putting up anything not meant for further distribution.)
Since it appears that Steven wishes the publicity, I'll introduce him to you this way. There is a huge amount of his material available and I encourage you to become a fan.
IMPORTANT - I can't guarantee the language on all of this one, so use headphones if you are at work. Steven does not usually use bad language though.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
"I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it." - Steven Wright
One spring day I was walking past the athletic field of a local girls high school the other day and a throng of high school girls behind its fence were were shouting enthusiastically "69.... 69.... 69...!"
As they kept it up, I got more and more curious, but the wooden fence was too high to see over.
I knew better of course, but when I saw a little gap in the planks, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through to see what was going on.
Then one of the girls poked me in the eye with a stick.
They all started shouting '70.... 70.... 70...!"
If you thought this was a dirty joke, shame on you! This blog is a clean blog, but sometimes people with dirty minds come to the wrong secretions. Here we strive to be always Safe for work, home, truth, justice and the American way. Wait, based on internet usage that seems to be p.... Never mind.
Thanks to Andy for this joke that I have twisted all out of proportion. You can send me a joke too and get credit if you wish. Just send it to: {http:// thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}.
Remove the extra spaces, replace the at and dot with an @ and . and you'll have the address. Add the word Joke in the title line please. Tell me if you want credit for you. I don't do ANYTHING with your email address, except maybe make friends with you myself. I hate spam.
According to an AP report cited on CNN today: "China's Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi left Thursday for a trip to Japan where he is expected to finalize details for a landmark official visit by China's President (Hu) early next month."
Peter Files Blog inexpert political souses have inferred from thin air that security arrangements for the Chinese President may include a surprise "Security Detail" of 5,000 tanks, 4,000,000 troops and an as yet undetermined lead-painted Thomas The Tanks Engine Red Trains.
When asked about the security arrangements by our Peter Files Blog China Desk Correspondent an unnamed spokesperson on the Chinese Delegate Staff had this to say:
Spokesperson: "Who you taking about?" Peter Files Blog: "That's Right, Hu." Spokesperson: "Who?" Peter Files Blog: "Hu!" Spokesperson: "He'll be coming to review." Peter Files Blog: "The new Hu review?" Spokesperson: "It may be a Zoo." Peter Files Blog: "We heard his security detail might include troops?" Spokesperson: "Whoops! Where did you get that idea, we no bring troops." Peter Files Blog: "Are you sure Hu's not bringing 4,000,000 troops?" Spokesperson: "This is a peaceful visit, who would bring troops on a peaceful visit? But Chinese exports include Hula Hoops! Peter Files Blog: "Hu's bringing hoops?" Spokesperson: "No hoops or troops! This peaceful visit! Peaceful!" Peter Files Blog: "Many Thanks." Spokesperson: "No, there will be no Tanks coming on this visit either!" Peter Files Blog: "Not Tanks, Thanks, many thanks for your time." Spokesperson: "No the rumor that President Hu's detail bring 5,000 tanks absolutely unfounded! You twist my words!" Peter Files Blog: "Who's detail?" Spokesperson: "You know who's detail, Hu's detail, the President's detail! President Hu's detail!" Peter Files Blog: "The President is Bush?" Spokesperson: "The President of China is not tired! He is full of energy! He does not need to bring army, I mean Security Detail to keep him awake." Peter Files Blog: "Not like the American President. I'm not sure if he's awake even when he's awake." Spokesperson: "Achoo!" Peter Files Blog: "There you go again. Who?"
After reviewing this transcript, the Peter Files Blog Regrets this article and has decided to re-classify it from news/commentary to political satire and humor and to consider getting a new China Desk. They tend to be expensive so we may just hire a new foreign correspondent instead.
Who?
We just don't know.
Any volunteers. You?
The Peter Files Comedy Blog Paranoia Squad asks, why is it that it was the RED trains that were lead painted?
Time for some Easter jokes. Some of these have been culled from sources and fan mail, others I made up. Others have been twisted from jokes about other species.
Happy Easter! Perhaps I will do another post before we get there. Feel free to add your own Easter Joke or Jokes in the comments section. Just because I moderate the comments doesn't mean that I don't accept nearly all of them!
Here we go:
Q: What did we call the Easter Bunny the year he hopped in a long sweltering Easter parade? A: A Hot, cross, bunny.
Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A: A receding hareline.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain? A: An egghead.
Q: Why was the Easter Bunny rubbing his head? A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)
Q: Do you know how the Easter Bunny stays in shape? A: Hareobics.
Q: What's another name for it? A: Eggcercise!
Q: Why does the Tooth Fairy claim that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? A: He says the Easter Bunny is eggocentric, but I think that's stretching the tooth.
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road? A: He wanted to make a movie with Bob Hope.
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road? A: Because it was the chicken's day off.
Q: What do you give a 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit? A: Anything it wants!
Q: Where can a 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit live? A: Anywhere it wants!
Q: What goes chomp, chomp, chomp, SPROING, chomp, chomp, chomp, SPROING? A: A 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit trying to combine diet and excercise.
Q: What's the difference between The Easter Bunny and a lumberjack? A: One chews leaves and hops, the other hews, chops and leaves.
Q: Why do 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbits paint their toenails different colors? A: So that they can hide in baskets of jelly beans.
Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show? A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.
Q: Why was PETA so upset with the magician after he canceled his show? A: They thought it was because instead of having a split hair, he'd split a hare during his act.
Q: How did the Magician make up for it? A: He adopted the stage name PETA Cottontail and promised to only to use artificial hares in his act from then on. As he became older, he grew bald and became famous for his waist-long wigs of pink and white. That's right, he became known as PETA Cottontail with the Bunny Trail. Eventually he began to do magic tricks with the wigs themselves.
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny want to see the magician's act so badly? A: He was a little down and heard the magician's act was hare raising.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it!!
Q: What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot? A: It's been nice gnawing at you.
Q: After Easter is over what kind of drink does the Easter Bunny like to kick back and relax with? A: Hops, though sometimes for a change he'll embrace a Wild Turkey.
Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny the day after Easter? A : Tired.
A whole bunch of people in the County of Louth, Ireland. That's who.
Of course, none of them responded to my post. Me Da told me.
I avoided embarrassment by not telling him about the previous post when I asked him. He'll see it soon enough. Worse yet, we have cousins in the next two counties over.
Last time's the charm.
So here's to my reader from Louth Almost faithful to us as a clock I home my weak rhymes Won't sink his good times Or want Louth to throw me off the dock!
Well, for three minute wonders all, they could be worse.
If you right-click on the red and yellow site visitor meter that sometimes comes up on the bottom, rather than the right, along with the rest of my sidebar, depending on your machine, browser and monitor - I've tried to fix this, but am not smart enough, yet, you'll get to the sitemeter.com statistics page for this blog.
I've set the settings so that anyone can see what I can see, since I don't pay for this service, but get the free version, which generally gives me overall totals for the year, month and day by some categories, and some details on the last 100 visitors.
I check this from time to time to see where people are coming from, which is a lot from the U.S. but always someone from every continent except Antartica and less often from South America. I have a Hemmingway scholar friend in Chile who checks in every once in awhile and he helps the South American total, but generally Indonesia does better than they do.
I think its my lack of Spanish writing in these posts? Por que?
Butter.
I found out that I had a reader from Louth, Ireland by checking the "By World Map" feature after clicking on the 100 under the map which directs it show the last 100 rather than the last 5 visitors, then hovering over the dots in the Ireland area of the Map.
My friends Brian and Diane Leo wrote a song about the Town Gort, called "Gort" oddly enough on one of their albums as Molly and the Tinker, and I thought that since I had seen a listing from Louth several times now, that it was probably the same person.
Since no one leaves comments saying, Hey, I'm Tom or Rachel from Arkansaw or Micronesia or whatever, and I love/hate your blog, or at least admire your persistence, and hits from big cities could be from thousands, I thought I could at least reward one probable regular reader by composing this Limerick -
"He's from Limerick, Ireland, ya naow, where the little Limericks come from." Peter, The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire, Jokes and Comedy
Sorry, got distracted. Happens to me all the time. So here it is my first effort at the Louth Limerick.
I once had a reader from Louth And I hope you don't 'tink me uncouth To suggest that he's/she's merry And intelligent - very For having this blog under roof! Copyright 2008 by PJF & Peter, The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire, Jokes and Comedy
Now ya see dears how easily I dealt wit de unknown gender problem dere. And thats the end of the dialect attempt from meeself. Maybe.
One problem now occurs to me, what if Louth rhymes with South and not uncouth?
Well, I suppose I could do this.
A very wise person from Louth Looked East, West, North and to South, To find bloggy quotations And funny notations But came here(!) for words blithely to mouth. Copyright 2008 by PJF & Peter, The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire, Jokes and Comedy
I hope the good people of Louth like their Limericks and are not in a long time feud with Limerick. I also hope that Louth is an actual town and not just a company hosting the server, now, gee wouldn't that be embarrassing.
Worse things have happened to me.
Anyway, thanks for any regular readers I have. Please let me know that you are out there. I know that I get many from referrals for something else due to having more than 500 posts up here now. My comments are only moderated for language and spam, so please do comment, even if it is just a hello. I love those!
I am betting on the first pronunciation by the way.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. -Eddie Izzard*
I grew up in the United States, where democracy and human rights comes from. -This Post, Peter, The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire, Jokes and Commentary
I'm Charley's Aunt from Brazil - where the nuts come from. - Charley's Aunt, Brandon Thomas, 1856-1914
Oh, when the world was once a simpler time. If you've never seen the stage play or movie Charley's Aunt, do so as soon as you can.
The best place to see it of course is in a theater, where the play was meant to be seen. In a really good production, the laughs just build and build and build until the health of some members of the audience is physically endangered and others are seen weeping with laughter on the floor or in the aisles. Seeing the show is also a good place to find out where some of the oldest bits in comedy came from, except the ones that Thomas stole from others, er., were in in the tradition of the stage already.
That kind of laughter, which builds and builds on the most effervescent and ephemeral of heights until you are laughing so hard that you can hardly stand it is almost impossible to achieve in a film or to maintain, because of course the actors can't hear the audience and change their timing in the oh so slight ways needed to help the laughs roll and billow and build with each individual audience. For of course the greatest comedy requires listening to the audience and responding to it, even it you never seem to acknowledge it.
I played Charley once in an amazing production of Charley's Aunt, our Fancourt Baberly, the guy dragged into impersonating Charley' Aunt was possibly the funniest guy since Jack Benny to play the role. Truly gut wrenchingly funny. Ah, if I only had a tape. The pitfalls of doing community theater and not TV or Film. At any rate, he and our Jack, Charley's roommate and the others in the cast soon formed a small but deranged group of actors that would do anything to get a laugh and somehow seemed to fall into the methods of the time in which reactions are so important, Benny's forte, the slow turn and stare, "Well!", was made for this play and you will hardly see him in anything, anything better. The material is just that good.
Speaking of Jack Benny's version of Charley's Aunt, it just was re-released in DVD after having its image and sound fixed up by Fox to picture perfect or thereabouts quality, I hear. If anyone was born to the part, other than my friend Marty, it has to have been Jack Benny and I can't wait to get my hands on this version which also stars Kay Francis, James Ellison, Anne Baxter, and Edmund Gwenn.
Just right-click on the ad below to see a review and details of the show if you are at all curious about this wonderful love story.
For all of those suspicious of any commentary with an ad in it, I don't blame you. I just saw the Eddy Izzard quote, was inspired to do my own, and realized that Eddy was really borrowing off of Brandon Thomas, author of Charley's Aunt, whether he realized it or not. He almost had to know what he was doing though, as had most of his audience.
Even today, it must be hard to get through school in England without seeing Charley's Aunt at least once. It's them like not seeing The Importance of Being Earnest or U.S. kids of the 70's and 80's not seeing the film versions of The Lottery or An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge (the latter of which I saw endlessly though grammar school, high school and even in college!)
At any rate, I've added the ad because I can! I hope you will get the film here or somewhere else. Or rent it as soon as it becomes available.
Here's to those who once admired, "the roses, the primroses, the cabbages and things," wherever you are!
This post is dedicated to my friend Tom G. who would have found this music video by the group hard n phirm even funnier than I do. Tom also would have been pleased with its accuracy and completeness.
Our friend Bob Z., who incorporated pie fights into his melodramas set around the ancient Greek gods would have loved it too.
NSFW? Note: This video contains the "F" word. Once. So, don't blare it at work if this is a problem. Or at home if you have a toddler who will then go on to repeat it endlessly like any new word without knowing what it means.
Normally, I would not post it because of this, but it is just too funny. You have been warned.
I don't know about you, but I find the chorus of this song, which repeats Pi out to about 100 significant figures especially catchy
It's got a beat, you can dance to it, its edutainment, I give it a 95.
Tom G. specialized, at friends' weddings, at serving up, instead of the wedding cake, the wedding Pi. He would come up to the mike and announce just that, take a pause and begin:
Tom recited Pi, "3.14159...." to about 100 places with full dramatic range, sparing no punches, high drama, low drama, comedy, tragedy, cragedy, all within the recitation of these numbers.
Alas, after surviving testicular cancer, Tom's heart succumbed to the effects of weakness from chemotherapy while he partied all night long in Barcelona (typical work night) on his new dream consulting job as an Apple consultant.
At least Tom got a bite of Apple pie before he moved on. So to me this video is extra screamingly funny. It's not just a recitation of numbers, but a whole commentary on numbers, numerology and who might care about Pi and how far a normal person might take it. Very creative. You'll really enjoy it. Trust me, I know Comedy when I feel it.
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Comment: Dread Zepplin = Hard Rock + Reggae + Elvis Impersonation + Other Wacky Stuff, I saw them at The Blues Club outside of Marina City in Chicago and Had to get their album. Totally Cool! ---------------- Now playing: Dread Zeppelin - Immigrant Song via FoxyTunes
This one is from my friend Mary Ellen. Be like Mary Ellen and send me your funnies joke at the address below or put it in a post comment for a recent post. If we think its funny we'll upgrade it to post level and give you credit as you like. Rude and Crude posts will not be used.
My Resume
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
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I could tell; it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
Well the Dwarf saw red and
That's how the fight started...
I know a few of you will see red because I ran this joke. If your feelings were hurt I am truly sorry. I will send you my friend Tom's email address if it will make you feel any better and his home address in Latvia.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
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