The Peter Files Blog of Comedy has reached 100,000 pages read! Thanks to you for being part of our audience! With almost 75,000 visitors since this blog started in February in 2005 I hope that's a lot of laughs! :-)
The pages over time varied from one post to many as I adjusted the format of this blog. I hope that you will take time to look through the archives to see some of the jokes and original and non-original humor here as well as some interesting websites we have covered in the past.
As for today's joke: What time does a dentist love?
If you are a regular to this blog you have probably noticed that I haven't been updating it for awhile. What the heck was wrong with me you might think?
I can spell that out in two words rotator cuff followed by two words even more horrifying to those in the know: 2" complete tear! I have it on good authority that if comedy based on pain is funny, this should be about the funniest post I'll ever write. Because the period I was dealing with my rotator cuff injury completely stopped me cold for six months.
Not only did the surgery not make the pain better, at first it was much, much worse. That at first was about two months. Six months later and after 4 months of intense physical therapy I finally had most of the movement in my right arm back.
I tried to get back to posting regularly but in the mean time I discovered Facebook and I discovered that I did what many of us volunteer bloggers did: I turned to Facebook for most of my creative stuff. Sorry about that. I was not alone; a recent news report showed that the nature of blogging has changed and amateurs like us are leaving. Well heck with that! Reason enough for me to come back! Or try to but that's now. Back then even finding a way to tie my posts to my account so they would get published where my Facebook friends could see it too I held back from going regular here again.
I think it was because I just wasn't feeling that funny for awhile. I had some personal issues that reconnecting with my college friends helped me to deal with. Some very sad heartbreaking stuff. The kind of thing that if you have it, you have to deal with it and it's pretty hard to be funny while doing so. So I guess that's part of it too.
Anyway to my delight this blog is nearly at 100,000 page views and that's a good reason to celebrate! So I'm going to try to post regularly again and I hope you will come back if you were a regular reader before.
In the mean time this blog will continue to be a safe, clean and funny place to come to! Now if my left shoulder wasn't bothering me so much....
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole....
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
As a matter of fact, you might pause to wonder why the words "Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?" didn't give you pause to think further?
I mean, how many of us actually tool down to Antarctica for any reason, let alone wonder why polar bears aren't doing their jobs...
(If you were disturbed at all by that last comment, just right-click on the two highlighted links and you will feel lots better. Or lots more foolish depending on what that reveals about your cold weather animal habitat lore knowledge.)
Just in case you wondered whether we've fallen off a cliff or something: Just about.
It wasn't quite that exciting, but if the words torn rotator cuff fill you with horror at the image of physical pain involved - you're in the right ballpark.
We, that is I, haven't been able to type for awhile. Makes doing a comedy blog hard. Still in the oochie, owie, yowie, oh mama stage too.
But I've stopped thumb sucking long enough to tell you that we should have some kind of content again soon.
Well today. Right now.
Q; How many people with torn rotator cuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb. A: Ow! Ow! Up? Nooooo!
Q: What's a torn rotator cuff? A: That tendon in the shoulder that helps your arm move everywhere? That's the sucker. And when it gets torn, every time your arm tries to move anywhere... Owww. Owww. Owww. Owww.
Q: How long will it hurt? A: Until the end of time. *Sob* Bleat. Moan.
Q: Not really? A: No it just feels like forever. Now get out of my way I need stiff drink. Q: You can't have anything stiff to drink unless you want to wind up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson.
Q: What do Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They probably had torn shoulder rotator cuffs. Q: Not really? A: No it just felt like they were being skewered on a hot poker for months at a time. What do I know, I stopped making sense months ago. Owwww!
Q: Don't they have medicine for that? A: You believe in the tooth fairy don't you? Q: There is medicine for everything else isn't there? A: Most doctors think a lot of pain is good for you, keeps you conscious enough to pay their bills.
Q: What does having a torn rotator cuff make you feel like? A: Like trying out a nice simple home amputation.
Q: Do you feel better after the operation? A: Everyone feels better after a good amputation.
Q: No I mean the rotator cuff surgery. A: No, you feel worse for a really long time, then you start to get a little better, like a snail on sleeping pills is faster. Till eventually, you feel as bad as when you went in for the surgery in the first place.
Q: Then finally you start to feel better! A: I'll let you know a year from now.
Q: When you are done will you be able to pitch for the Chicago White Sox? A: Can't fool me! Everyone knows that the only team that hires pitchers with actively torn rotator cuff is the Chicago Cubs.
Q: Is it a messy operation? A: No, my doctor looked very clean afterwards I am told. I was also told that my surgery went well despite their finding a tear the size of the Grand Canyon. Truly, the operation itself was the best part. They just woke me up too soon, six months too soon.
Q; How is the physical therapy going? A: Ever seen a late night horror film?
Q: Surely you are exaggerating. A: OWW! OWW! Three Four. OWW OWW Seven Eight. My physical therapist is a nice guy who says its going well, I just have to be very patient. In fact, I'm going to be patient, a patient for months and months.
Q: If you knew it was going to be this bad, why did you have the operation? A: They ALL LIED TO ME and said it wouldn't be too bad. Liars! Liars! Pants on fire all over the region. What could I do, they told me it would be no fun but the alternative was chewing my arm off. I don't think I taste that good.
Q: Any other benefits to the surgery? A: A nice long juicy SCAR instead of the little holes they said would be there for arthroscopic surgery. I think I'm going to tell people I was in knife fight saving a teenage girl from a street gang when I got it. At least it is a nice straight scar. Good Doctor. Sit. Heel.
Q: Would you have the surgery again? A: Yes. No way around it.
Q: Was all that whining even close to the truth? A: Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
Well I feel much better. If you are contemplating rotator cuff surgery you should know how much better you will feel when it is all fixed and you are back to normal. Really, they tell me this. Repeatedly, so it must be true. Sigh.
Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
This is one of the funniest fish videos that I have ever seen.
Watch this video about a night of fishing in Brazil by lamplight. If you've ever had some frustrating fishing experiences like I have, you will find this hysterical.
Don't forget to tell your friends about our site! Now updating regularly. Use the archives too. More than 650 earlier posts!
I got an audition notice for the Opening Night Art Group summer camp program that is auditioning Annie Jr. this Monday and Tuesday, January 8th and 9th for those between 4th and 8th grade. Sorry for the late notice, but I just saw it myself.
There is a fee for taking part in this program, and if you are cast you will be assigned to one of two casts, as described below. I assume the fees go to costumes, make-up, sets, and training fees for the instructors.
This may be the equivalent of a paid day camp but with a play production at the end. While payment is due on January 1st, they seem to have a refund policy. You may want to ask others at the auditions about their experiences at the group.
As a former Daddy Warbucks, I can say that Annie is a GREAT show. Don't think that the only good parts are for girls too.
But I don't think I know this group so I can't endorse them. I can only pass along their information. Don't hold that against them though, just check them out when you get there. I don't think they could ask for money if they were not doing something good. The show is also a fundraiser for St. Jude's you could give them a call and see how much they got last year.
Their website looks pretty professional though - check it out. The links below to other parts of their website worked when I tested them.
Auditions for Opening Night Youth Productions' Presentation of
Under the direction of Ms. Dee Hamilton
Opening Night Arts Group will be holding auditions for our Opening Night Youth Productions' presentation of Annie Jr. on December 8 and 9, 2008. These auditions are for a spot in the theatre program which will present Annie, Jr. during summer 2009. These auditions are not for specific roles at this time but are for a spot in the program. Specific roles will be cast next summer during the first few days of the program. This program is primarily intended for children with some prior acting, singing, and/or dancing experience. If you love to perform come on out and audtion - we want to see you!
Proceeds from these performances of Annie, Jr. will benefit St. Jude's Children's Hospital.
Auditions will take place as follows:
You must register for an audition date. We have a limit of 60 children per audition day. Auditions are for children who are entering the 5th grade through entering 9th grade in the summer of 2009.
Auditions are on the following days:
Monday, December 8, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m.
Trinity Christian College Ozinga Chapel Building Choir Room and Recital Hall
When you register you will pick your preferred date for the audition. We will make every effort to accomodate your choice, however since there are only 60 slots per day you may need to audition on the other day. You will be notified via email of your audition date. Please be sure to provide a valid email address that you check regularly. You may register for an audition time here.
Please be prepared to perform as follows:
DANCE AUDITION:
Come prepared in comfortable clothes. You will learn a routine at the audition.
SINGING AUDITION:
Girls: Come prepared to sing “Tomorrow”.
Please click this link for music: http://www.broadwayjr.com/audition/auditionlist.asp?ID=1Choose “Score” under “Annie” and scroll down. Accompaniment will be provided at the audition. Boys: Come prepared to sing “Easy Street”
ACTING AUDITION: Come prepared with an age appropriate 1 minute monologue. The selection may or may not be memorized, actor’s choice. Monologues may be checked out at the library or found online.
AUDITION RESULTS:
Once auditions are complete, the director and producer will choose the program participants. You will be notified via email as to whether or not you have been accepted into the program. Please note that the director and staff will make the decisions they feel will be best for the production and their decisions are final.
We are looking forward to seeing the many talented children we have in our area. The Opening Night Youth Production's Summer Theatre Program promises to be an exciting and rewarding experience for all involved.
PROGRAM FEES:
There is no cost to audition. Once a child has been notified that they will be in the Opening Night Youth Production's program, fees will be as follows:
$300 for Opening Night Arts Group Members $325 for Non-members
Fee payment will be due in full by January 1, 2009. Payment plans are available.
The refund policy for this program is as follows: Registration cancelled by March 31, 2009 - Receive a full refund of registration fees Registration cancelled by June 29, 2009 - Receive a 50 percent refund of registration fees After June 29, 2009 - No refund will be given
June 29-July 23, 2009 Mondays-Thursdays 9 a.m.-noon Trinity Christian College Ozinga Chapel building Choir room and Recital Hall
Monday, July 27 - Monday, August 3, 2009 Weekdays 9 a.m.-noon (including Friday) Trinity Christian College Communications Building Marg Kallemeyn Theatre
PERFORMANCES: Trinity Christian College Communications Building Marg Kallemeyn Theatre
WHITE CAST:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 7:30 p.m. Thursday, August 6, 2009 7:30 p.m. Saturday, August 8, 2009 7:30 p.m. RED CAST: Wednesday, August 5, 2009 7:30 p.m. Friday, August 7, 2009 7:30 p.m. Saturday, August 8, 2009 3:00 p.m.
More information will be provided during auditions and in future emails. If you need assistance now, you may contact us here.
So that's the story. Since there are quite a few parts for boys, especially 7th and 8th grade boys, so don't feel that boys would not have a chance here. In fact, I think you would be at an advantage percentage wise in getting a good part. Since many of the "Adult" roles in Annie are men's roles. FDR, etc. However, this is Annie, Jr. and I don't know how it is different.
A Night of Variety I just noticed that the group is going to do "A Night of Variety" on January 23rd and 24th
Join us for a night of singing, dancing, and comedy as members of the Opening Night Performance Group and Take A Bow Performers entertain you!
Andy Avalos of WMAQ-TV Channel 5 is the Master of Ceremonies
This performance will assist Opening Night Arts Group in continuing our mission to provide contributions to charities throughout the year.
Two Nights Only!
January 23rd and 24th at 8 p.m.
Marg Kallemeyn Theater Trinity Christian College 6601 W. College Drive Palos Heights, Illinois
Tickets $17 for members / $20 for non-members Tickets purchased online will be available at will call at the theatre on the evening of the performance.
Split-the-Pot Raffle! Entertainment galore! Refreshments!
This is a family friendly show so bring the kids along for a great night of entertainment.
We are asking that everyone who attends bring at least one item to be donated to Operation Support Our Troops. These items will be delivered in care packages to the men and women on active duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is a great way to show your support to the troops and provide them with much needed and appreciated supplies. The organization has requested the following supplies:
These hits are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face..
Johnny Nash I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And an all time favorite:
Willie Nelson On the Commode Again.
The above came from Mary Ellen, one of our best regular contributors. Remember, you can be a contributor to, just send a joke in a comment, or in an email to thepeterfilesblog @ gmail.com just take out the spaces around the @ sign to make the address work.
Of course, I could not see something like that, without trying to come up with a few of my own.
Andrew Lloyd Weber Alzheimer Cat Memories? What?
Elton John Benny at the Vet's (Admin.)
Robert Palmer Doctor, Doctor, Gave me the news, I've got a bad case of Diabetes II. No cake, not Ice Cream too, I've got a bad case of Diabets II.
I lost my license, Now I Trike it. Katy Perry
No, No, I don't like your health plan! No, No, I don't need no prunes nor plain bran! Avril Lavine
I Woke Up Again This Morning The Partridge Family
Somewhere, I left my Glasses in the House Wizard of Oz
Drive Very Slow on the Road Wizard of Oz
Lost in the Big Box Store Alice Cooper
The Curse of No Name I'm sitting in the Doctor's can't remember my name and the kids want to declare me insane They want the condo in, where was that now If I don't think, it's nursing room chow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, Ow, ow, ow...
America
It's My Party, I Can Nap if I Want To You'd zonk out too, if you were old as me. Leslie Gore (OK, I admit, this one is derivative)
Feeling Moody Simon & Garfunk
Bad Knees, Food Stamps and Fleas Cher
That's enough silliness for now. Happy Thanksgiving!
Five Chicago sports fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different Chicago sports team and each proclaimed to be the most loyal to there team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one was the most loyal of them all.
They continued fighting till they reached the top. The Blackhawk's fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, 'This is for the Hawks' as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be outdone the Bulls fan threw himself off the edge shouting "this is for the greatest team of the 90's"
Next the Bears fan jumped & said"This is for DA COACH' the two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned silence.
After a minute the Sox fan Bellowed..."THIS IS FOR THE SOUTH SIDE!!!"
THEN HE PUSHED THE CUBS FAN OFF THE MOUNTAIN!!
Hee hee hee. You can tell I'm a South-sider can't you?
My thanks to Andy for this one. No editing needed.
Got to say, there really hasn't been a campaign song in this election that has captured the hearts and minds of the electorate, until now.
But Ken and Dave changed all that with their song: Brain to Nowhere!
It's a campaign song for Sarah Palin and John McCain, and while I have already voted myself for Obama, I have to say that I can't help letting you know about this song, because, well, great art should be noted.
I know, I know, there is a risk that it could turn the election, but it's in the late days now and it's got a great beat, you can dance to it, so I give it a 95. You just have to hear it. Tell me what you think.
And you you gotta love their backup singers and that piano extro at the end.
You also have to love someone who can admit their candidates', um, liabilities, and love her anyway. So give this ditty a listen, but vote Obama if you haven't already.
And if you're in Illinois, vote no on the Illinois Constitutional referendum. There is a separate call about Blago. But opening up a call about the constitution is just an open invitation to rape teacher, policeman, fireman and other government worker pensions to pay for mismanaged policies of Ryan and his predecessors and wreak other untold havoc. We don't need it.
Here's that video!
And whoever you support.
VOTE!
Even if you are for McCain. I mean that. Don't be a candy *ss.
Stand up and be counted in this election. If you don't vote the politicians think you don't care and that is worse than my candidate not winning. I think.
Oh, and if you are a 1 issue candidate. Ask yourself if your candidates have done anything real for your issue while they were in office. They haven't have they. Nada. In fact, for a lot of issues. Obama is the only one likely to sign off on money that would help the people that would help support your issue. Think about it.
Now, don't forget to vote! (Hopefully, Obama/Biden).
Dems Change Middle Name to Hussein because it rhymes with brain.
Peter Files Blog of Comedy Political Souses report a trend of Democrats nationwide changing their middle names to Hussein in support of Barrack Obama, Democratic Presidential Nominee for President.
A new Facebook Group was formed today "People Who Call Themselves "Hussein" in Support of Obama"when it's originator, who declined to be quoted noted "The number of those with facebook listings with "Hussein" as their middle name was "Over 500" and many or most of these were ordinary American names. I'm just organizing a trend that already exists.
The groups purpose:
Are you tired of the growing hate in this election?
John McCain's and Sarah Palin's Personal attacks on Senator Barrack Obama have gone beyond the point where they can be considered within the bounds of political fair play.
Now most people with common sense know that these "Ad Hominem" attacks by McCain-Palin are a desperate attempt to replace the lack of a real program that is helpful to any but the uber-rich.
It's time to put an end to the personal attacks on Obama that go beyond the boundaries of record or common sense but play on old fashioned "race politics" that should offend us all.
Go ahead. Take a stand. Put part of Senator Obama's name in your name, yes, that part that McCain and Palin want to "scare people with"!
Ooh, "Hussein" isn't that unfamiliar foreing sounding name sooo scary, you dumb hick Joe Six packs"!
By speaking out, whether in your Facebook name, your status messages, in an email message, a button, a sign in your window, by making Hussein part of your name today you can help deprive the McCain-Palin camp of one of its weapons of fear. The kind of weapon Adolph used. Now there's a name people hate.
The terrorist who once owned "Hussein", gave it its meaning and its fear value is dead. We should now take it back and give it back to the many people of worth who were born with it and deserve the common dignity of personhood.
Why should the actions of one now dead, cruel and vicious dictator reflect on any of them anyway? Why do we act like sheep about something like this. We have gone beyond this, or should have.
It's this sheep like, herd-like mentality that fear-mongers like the McCain-Palin ticket are depending on to deprive us of our chance at meaningful change at this election.
If you pledge to "change your name", be it for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or forever, you support a change from the totolitarian fear-based politics that can ruin a nation.
You don't have to be pro-Obama to do this.
Of course, you will find many friends here if you do.
However, if you do this experiment, you may find out who among your friends has a sense of humor and who does not. And in doing so you might find yourself a supporter of Senator Barack Hussein Obama, after all.
And remember this, it is just a chance of fate that you were not born with the name Hussein in your name.
Senator Obama has nothing to do with this group.
Turns out, this is a real Facebook group. Well, will you join the effort too?
Time for some Easter jokes. Some of these have been culled from sources and fan mail, others I made up. Others have been twisted from jokes about other species.
Happy Easter! Perhaps I will do another post before we get there. Feel free to add your own Easter Joke or Jokes in the comments section. Just because I moderate the comments doesn't mean that I don't accept nearly all of them!
Here we go:
Q: What did we call the Easter Bunny the year he hopped in a long sweltering Easter parade? A: A Hot, cross, bunny.
Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A: A receding hareline.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain? A: An egghead.
Q: Why was the Easter Bunny rubbing his head? A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)
Q: Do you know how the Easter Bunny stays in shape? A: Hareobics.
Q: What's another name for it? A: Eggcercise!
Q: Why does the Tooth Fairy claim that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? A: He says the Easter Bunny is eggocentric, but I think that's stretching the tooth.
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road? A: He wanted to make a movie with Bob Hope.
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road? A: Because it was the chicken's day off.
Q: What do you give a 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit? A: Anything it wants!
Q: Where can a 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit live? A: Anywhere it wants!
Q: What goes chomp, chomp, chomp, SPROING, chomp, chomp, chomp, SPROING? A: A 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit trying to combine diet and excercise.
Q: What's the difference between The Easter Bunny and a lumberjack? A: One chews leaves and hops, the other hews, chops and leaves.
Q: Why do 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbits paint their toenails different colors? A: So that they can hide in baskets of jelly beans.
Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show? A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.
Q: Why was PETA so upset with the magician after he canceled his show? A: They thought it was because instead of having a split hair, he'd split a hare during his act.
Q: How did the Magician make up for it? A: He adopted the stage name PETA Cottontail and promised to only to use artificial hares in his act from then on. As he became older, he grew bald and became famous for his waist-long wigs of pink and white. That's right, he became known as PETA Cottontail with the Bunny Trail. Eventually he began to do magic tricks with the wigs themselves.
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny want to see the magician's act so badly? A: He was a little down and heard the magician's act was hare raising.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it!!
Q: What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot? A: It's been nice gnawing at you.
Q: After Easter is over what kind of drink does the Easter Bunny like to kick back and relax with? A: Hops, though sometimes for a change he'll embrace a Wild Turkey.
Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny the day after Easter? A : Tired.
How to Prepare for an Audition – Imperfect Notes for the Beginner Scribbled Quickly From My Own Experience
It is generally agreed by professionals like myself that Panic is the first step to a great audition. True, this is counter-intuitive. You do not want your high level of panic to show at the audition, but a high level of panic right up to the point that you get into the car on the way to the audition itself can be a most helpful motivator.
Note the importance of losing your panic before getting into a car on the way to the audition itself, in fact before driving any auto vehicle at any time prior to the audition. In fact, where available, taking public transportation to an audition can help relieve pre-audition stress. Call 836-7000 for directions in the Chicago Region for CTA, Pace and Metre. Beverly Art Center, for example is served by all three!
I have noted that severe auto accidents often undermine the confidence of those auditioning and directors alike with worries of self-termination prior to the actual performance date and quite talented people are sometimes over looked at auditions for this reason.
“Kumquats! I’d cast him, but in the Scottish play he almost got his arm cut off and he didn’t even have a sword, in Sweeny Todd he managed to slide down the Barber Chair Head first and we’re doing Pirates of Penzance here, no, I can’t risk it. And he’s a great Tenor. If I could just suspend him in a box above the stage. Hmmn, Maybe…. From such maybes have come some of he stages greatest on stage fiascos. Note: Gender and Facts changed above in the interests of fairness and to protect my life.
Getting the script is the next big step. Once you have it, often available from the producer for community theater productions for a deposit, you can figure out, within reason, if there are any parts in the show for you at all.
I am not going to try to define “within reason” here. So often directors are stuck in “Auditions" with the "this is all I get to work with?" situation such that you may get to play 40 years older or younger than your actual ace, especially in a musical, if you have the notes. More likely, the director will look for a ringer, but the bigger the cast, the better your chances, especially when multiple shows are casting at the same time. I still don’t know why production companies do this, but often in an area production companies will create chaos by holding auditions within days of each other. This always works to the actor’s advantage and never to the producer’s as this allows actors to pick and choose between offered parts and this messes up the "pretty pictures" producers made on the stage when casting.
Having a realistic idea of what you are really likely to be cast for will help you a lot. The best way to get this sense of reality is to work with a really good friend, an acting teacher of vocal coach who will be honest with you. Brital honest is critically important. Not the kind you see in the American Idol pre-shows.
All my friends say I'm really a great singer so I thought I would screech my way through The Facts of Life Theme Sng on National Television.
That kind of honesty you don't need unless its backed up by an agent.
Acting is a skill, practice and exposure to people who are really good at it will really help you, IF, you pay attention to them without being a pest. I have learned far more from the people I have worked with over the years than from any book.
If you are preparing for a musical, you need to prepare a song in your vocal range and be ready to sing it in time to the music. The music director may change the time of the music to see if you handle it well or poorly and can work with an orchestra that may get away from him.
But first things first, if you are a low alto, don’t audition for a high soprano part just because you have always wanted to play that part. The music director will strongly resist having the song done an octave lower except in very exceptional chances.
How do you find out your vocal range? The musical director at a community theater audition will help you a little. But for lead roles you usually need to have been working with a vocal coach.
Vocal coaches do not have to be hugely expensive. But $20-$30 a half hour, every week is not out of line on the south side. Ask the good singers who they use. They probably have the best coaches. Try to get an appointment. If you know nothing about sight reading music they may reject you, then ask for a reference for a real beginner who will tolerate this, or ask for “emergency help” for one audition and they may, may take pity on you.
Above all else a vocal coach should start by:
Teaching you how to protect your voice;
Teaching you how to breath correctly;
Teaching you about your range and what songs are in it;
If your vocal coach does not start with the first two immediatly, especially in winter, ask why not and be prepared to fire them right away if it is not a very good answer. Finding your range might come first, but protecting your voice is paramount, you can ruin it through improper vocal training and if your vocal coach does not know how to protect against this you need to move on, immediately.
Analyze the scrip to try to figure out what scenes the director might choose for auditions and learn these first, but try to become really familiar with as much of the script as possible. Look for scenes where a lot of the characters are on stage at once. The cast parades: the director needs to see how the whole cast looks together. If you are a shorter person in one of these, wear a hat and heels as you go up. If tall, flats and no hat. Little things help. Dpn't do dumb showy things to get attention, trust me, I've tried, they don't work.
Look for little intense scenes between the characters you think you want to play and the main characters they compete against, who is often but not always the same gender. To borrow from Michael Shurtlief’s excellent book “The Audition” (buy in paperback, its cheap) always ask in any scene, ask “What is your character fighting for?” Then fight for it. Hard. Even if you've gotten the what the character should be fighting for wrong, if nothing else it makes for a fiesty scene and proves you won’t be boring on stage if you get the part. Directors often like surprising and feisty interpretations of work that are seriously done. It means the actor has done some serious thinking about the work and might be fun to work with, a serious plus in most directors worth working with. Yes, Virgina, there are a very few directors not worth working with. If you are lucky and are in the scene with someone very good, your fighting for method will give them something to play off of. Listen to what they are sending you and build off it, incorporate it, the emotions, etc, and bring the level of tension and stakes of the scent up, not down.
Working really well with someone, anyone in a scene can help you get the part. Your goal is always to get some part, not a specific part. Besides, you never know who the director has really picked for the lead, it is often not obvious. I've been in shoes where the director picked a young woman as the lead but only read her in minor parts, but with every other potential member of the cast. He knew how good she was already, not everyone else. He learned a lot by how people worked with her compared to the "obvious" lead candidates and the resulting cast complely surprised everyonel. The director cast those who worked well with everyone, especially his lead. Of course, most directors are not this devious.
So don't agonise too much how you are doing in any one audition, or lie and die on any one audition. Its just not healthy. As time goes on, the right parts will come to you with experience. Especially as you build a reputation for reliability and stability from show to show which are very important.
That’s all I have time for now. OH. Ues.
Remember not to panic IN the audition. The producers want you to succeed and you to show yourself off at your most calm and professional best. They want to see what you can really do and are hoping that YOU will be the surprise star that they are looking for. And you just might be. And don’t forget to have a little fun, your audition audience may be larger than some of the real audiences you get, sorry to say. And, more receptive, because they are sweating as much as you are. That is, if the producers let the others see you. That's an issue in and of itself.
This gutbuster from my friend A.M. is rated P.G. for your Parents Got you!
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Busted! If Mom doesn't know, she always has a way of finding out, doesn't she?
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I wholeheartedly recommend Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt for any teaching assignment that she should apply for.
After the months of hell she endured here at our school, I am absolutely convinced that there is no educational situation, including the United States Marine Corps, that Ms. Vanderbilt is not ready to handle.
None of the outright fiascos that occurred in our classroom during her required student teaching stint were her doing, in fact, she averted, spotted, or helped to avert each and every crisis and was especially adept at spotting the life-threatening ones, a valuable asset in a suburban first grade classroom like mine.
First the obvious, Ms. Vanderbilt is a natural teacher. When she opens her mouth, people naturally stop and listen to whatever she has to say. This is because she has the gift of only saying things that are worth saying, and that are relevant or important, such as, "Attention everyone! There is smoke billowing from the boy's bathroom, please line up as if the fire alarm has gone off as it will surely do any second."
Her keen nose got our first-graders to the far stairs just as the fire-alarm was pulled, by Ms. Vanderbilt. This was helpful as our classroom normally exited the building at the near stairs closest to the boy's room. For some God-awful reason the primary department is on the fourth floor of our school and so every second counted that day I can tell you.
Of course it was Kindergartners smoking in the boy's room again and dumping their stubs in the paper towel trash instead of the toilet. Of course, I can't name the family, but every school has one or two of them, we have about 10 of them due to overcrowding. Families I mean. Oddly, only the youngest in two families started smoking without the eldest knowing about it. I believe they have stopped smoking now. Their casts should come off sometime next month.
Ms. Vanderbilt was also very helpful at spotting trouble and danger at our field trip to the ****** County Monster Truck Rally and Gun Show. Personally, I think this kind of event is a little bit much for first graders but until I can get myself onto the Local School Council I don't have much say in which grades get to go to this. At least they keep the Kindergarteners out of the gun show!
Once again we had trouble with a couple of kids who got antsy during the Giant T Jump and Roll Competition, a few of our boys were running around hitting each other with their new (empty) rifles and chased each other onto the track!
Well! I never saw a student teacher move so fast in my life. Ms. Vanderbilt just about leaped out onto that track, leapt out in front of the T-N-T Lizard of Doom Doom Doom before it squashed Toby and Maxie flat, and had them back in their seats before I even knew they were gone.
The boys were upset that their new rifles got squished into the mud, but what can you say? They shouldn't have had them on the track in the first place! Ms. V. also managed to stop a few of the Kindergartners from buying flame-throwers at the gun show. Guess which ones? Don't know how they slipped by their teacher! I'm sure they would have been caught getting off the bus back at school, don't you think?
Ms. V. has also proved to be very good at disarming parents without seeming to touch them. I swear, I saw a parent going after Mr. Nova the science teacher and Ms. V. was standing nearby and that parent just stumbled and fell flat on his face all by his self. No one knows how it happened and we were all looking right at him! The only thing we are all sure of is that Ms. V. didn't move one single muscle.
Ms. V. is a very healthy person, she has encouraged all the kids to exercise and even led a gymnastics club on our field this fall after school. Even some of the teachers joined in. The kids loved it. She brought her boom box and they exercised to songs that were lots of fun. The kids who took part were in a lot better shape and even kept it up after she left. Funny thing, those kids used to get picked on a lot, and they don't at all anymore.
Ms. V. is great in the classroom, knows all the new teaching theories, is great with centers, knows how to evaluate students, do Dibbles testing, and is up on her Fontis and Parnell. The kids love her read-alouds and her lesson plans were letter perfect.
She also had great fashion sense. The kids especially liked it when she wore her purple beret. It was very stylish, very military-like. But don't worry, she is not a forceful or angry person. I have never seen anyone so calm or in control of herself. True to her name, Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt, is as sweet as they come in the classroom and all the kids felt very safe coming to her with their concerns. Sometimes I even wonder how she got through life staying so sweet with a name like that, you'd think she would have been teased to death and compensated for it. But not Ms. V.
If you have any other questions, please feel free to call me at the number above,
Jamie-Lynn Marie Violetta Ashbury-Diamagioletto First Grade Teacher, The Charleton Heston School of ***** County, ******
I once used to hire and supervise student intern. Part of the job was writing recommendation letters. I did not work in education, but a story a friend of mine told me made me wonder about what a bizarre student-teacher recommendation might look like and the odd twists and turns the story took got very far away from just having to write a letter of recommendation for someone super.
Naturally, the latest news about the younger Ms. Spears deciding to move back to Louisiana crept in at the last minute to influence the mentor teacher's name. Please be assured that this bit was NOT written with the Great State of Louisiana in mind. After all, Texas would be so much more likely, or North Carolina, or Alabama, or maybe even Illinois? LOL
Remember - if you take this stuff seriously you are missing the point! Oh, Good luck to anyone caught up in grown up problems too soon. Whatever they are. From life's difficulties comes character - if you face them head on.
My friend Tom sent this to me claiming that this might possibly be the best beer ad ever.
What do you think?
This ad certainly depicts a common source of conflict in couple relations, the battle over the pocketbook and perceived importance of needs.
Which is more important? Your need to imbibe beer or my need to look good, to be good.
Of course, she says, it is "For you", but he fears it may be to "Find someone else" spicing up the argument. Does she think of this.
Is his reply revenge for the amount spent on makeup, or the bitter truth.
Relationships in which the tongue cannot be held and let in harshness cannot survive says approximately John H. Gottman, Ph.D. in his series of books about relationships which are well worth reading.
This post was not sponsored by and had no approval by the Miller Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They hold the trademark for the logo that appears in the photo. IF the company does not approve of this use please leave a post and I will take this down immediately.
The Peter Files Blog News Network (Pentagon, 0035hrs) The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Using special redneckified weapons, rations and tactics, the USRSF are expected to bring "A whole lotta whuppin' to the region" according to inside souses in the Pentagon and the Bush White House.
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
"Unlike your normal GI, your USRSF member, has special ASSets for sitting still and lying in weight for enemy combatants, especially when supplied with supercooled supplies of carb-loaded Top-Secret energy drinks code named JD, WT101, PBR and even cases of hard to find BillyB which are completely unavailable to most of these Talibanistas. Heck, given these secret fluids, we hardly need food ner even blood to survive in most any environment. And it righteously improves our shootin'," says a Commander in a newly formed Unit, so secret it does not even have a name or number, though all have a tatoo of a certain redhead on their arms showing a great deal of anatomically correct detail.
"Heah, since the tatoo shows enough of our favorite gal to get us killed on sight, we know we got no option but to fight to the bottom, er, end. Of course, other units got other girls, Paris, Britney, Natlie, Lindsey's just our girl. Did I say Lindsey? Forget that, it should be classified, I think. Anyhoo, we got us some special weapons for I-ran and we gonna get them good! Hooyah!"
"Iraq? Right. Wherever. I just like to shoot. Geography was never my strong point. Just point me and my boys and we go."
With attitudes like these, Pentagon analysts are sure that the war will be over in "...less time than it took former Governor Huey P. Long to build a bridge, a hospital, and the Louisiana State Highway System, that is, about three weeks."
-30-
Hope you liked this one!
If this doesn't get comments, nothing will.
Thanks Tom B. for the Photo and the kernal that started this post.
This post dedicated to "The Marvelous TR, Redneck though and through, one of the kindest and best men I ever knew." Despite public jokes to the contrary, he was NOT a fan of the Greatful Dead...
Once upon a time, there were two girls, Mary and Anne, who were signed up for dancing lessons at the local park of the Chicago Park District.
The girls thought this was a wonderful idea, not so much because of their love of dance, but because it got them out of the house two or three times a week for at least an hour when they might otherwise be forced to do homework, or chores, or laundry or such, being from a large family, there was a great deal of laundry or such that they were chained to like dwarves in a Grimms fairy tale, not the nice French kind.
Unlike those in suburban households, where children live on cul-de-sacs and must be driven everywhere, Mary and Anne had the option of either walking or riding their bikes to dancing lessons. I say option, but the truth of it was that in general, no car was available anyway for the trip.
This was not really a burden, because the park's field house was really only a long block down their street, another very short block to the stop light. A few feet to the driveway for the park, and a few more feet to the door of the Park District field house where the dancing lessons were held. A trip of less than 10 minutes, unless, unless, well, we'll get to that, for that's the story.
As a Chicago Park District program, the lessons were free of course, the costumes for the end of the class show were to be provided by the class member's families. Remember this point. It comes into the story later.
Mary and Anne were from a large family for the time, six in, say 1975, when Anne might have been in, at best 3rd or 4th grade, at best, and Mary would have been in 5th or 6th grade, at best, but certainly with a better sense of consequences than Anne. Mary also had perhaps, a little more interest in dancing.
For you see, on that short trip from their house to the dancing class their was, a potential for - diversion! Yes, diversion I tell you!
And this diversion took the form of the home of the two girls' true and dear friends' Ann and Peggy. Ann was Mary's age and Peggy was Anne's age, or a little younger.
Now this is a true story and the names have not been changed to protect the innocent, or not so innocent in this case. So we must bear with a little confusion. Anne lives in the house up the hill a little and takes dancing lessons with Mary. Well, she is supposed to take dancing lessons with Mary. Ann lives in the house down the hill at the end of the long block on the corner that Mary and Anne are supposed to pass on the way to dancing lessons and not enter once the have turned the corner and are just out of sight of their mother, who I will call simply "Mom".
I think, given that I have revealed already that this is a true story that it would be just too much to reveal whether I called this woman "Mom" in those days too, as it would rip away any semblance or pretense of anonymity that the characters Anne, Mary, Ann and Peggy might have as the story goes on.
You can grant me that can't you?
So, to Anne's credit, she did attend the very first dance class with Mary. She absolutely did. She met the dancing teacher. She learned some dance moves. She lined up with the other girls and listened to them start to follow the teacher's movements as so many classes each fall had to the ever so moving and thrilling strains of that thrilling popular tune Alley Cat.
And Anne was indeed moved. It is indeed unfortunate that history does not record Anne's comments to Mary about the class she had just attended on the way back home, because Anne is one of the naturally funniest people in the universe. Especially, especially, when she has an audience capable of understanding her special blend of irony and wit.
If they, and the temptation by now would have been irresistible, stopped at the home of Ann and Peggy to describe exactly how strange their dance class experience had been, and they would have stopped in any case to avoid getting home early enough to get drafted into making one of the delegate-able typical Irish-American dinners so popular with their mother (such as kraft dinner and hot dogs, or roast chicken, onion salt and green beans (salt on the chicken before roasting), or broiled hamburgers, baked fries, and applesauce, or, a ham slice, corn, and another boiled veggie (ever wonder why PBS has never featured a series called "The Great Cooks of Ireland?))
Fortunately, there is no need for historical veracity here:
Anne: That is the stupidest thing I have ever done. Mary: You mean intentionally. Anne: You agreed not to bring up the time I let Anna cut my hair ever again! Mary: And you believed me? Anne: I believed that these dancing lessons might be good for something, so far all they are good for is getting us out of the house. O.K. that is something. Mary: Look, its just the first day, things will get better. Anne: Things will NOT get better. Did you hear that song they had us dancing to? I think I heard it at a funeral once. And Mom is supposed to make part of our costume. you trust her to do that? Mom can not sew. Mary: That's just a practice song. No way will we be doing it for the final recital. Besides, we'll get Grandma to do the sewing. Anne: Like she has time after cleaning up after 9 cats, 3 St. Bernards, a mangy Collie, and Grandpa. Mary: The cats don't count, they live under the front porch, Aunt Sally & Aunt Laura help with the dogs, and Grandpa is self-cleaning and still works. She only has to sew on some reindeer tails and there are three months to go. Anne: Maybe, I'll go again, but you better not tell anyone at school that I'm in it and if I don't go anymore you better not tell Mom! Mary: You're kidding right? I would never violate The Code!
The Code: Survival among the siblings created the code and caused the defeat and retreat of many a babysitter who hoped to threaten them into submission.
Simply put: Though shalt not squeal. Whenever possible, though shalt not cause the wrath of parental units to descend upon us. If such should befall you Though shall do your best to take it for the team.
The effect: For Mary, Anne and their siblings, adult wrath of all kinds was avoided. This also made them popular with the friends to whom they extended this treatment.
Somehow though, Anne never made it back to dancing class. Instead she stopped a Peggy's house and played with Ann and Peggy and Mary would tell her about what happened at dance class. As the weeks went by Anne's worst suspicions were confirmed.
There was no new music. They would have one number in the Christmas show. They would be dancing reindeer. The curtain would open and they would do a simple number where they danced in circles and from side to side in reindeer costumes to the tune of "Alley Cat".
What "Alley Cat" had to do with Christmas neither of the girls could figure out. Their best bet was that the show was originally a Halloween show that had been pushed back to Christmas, but that while the costumes were changed, the music was not because the de-dee-dee de de de de dee de de beat of Alley Cat was impossible for young dancers NOT to hear.
Also, the girls, any boys in the class dropped out within two classes, usually, had only to change from buying black leotards to brown leotards and from making long cat tails to short reindeer tails. The noses were painted on about the same, except for those who wanted to do gender crossing and pretend to be Rudolph.
Through all of this time, Anne remained unconcerned about the number of practices she was missing. Sometimes at Ann and Peggy's house she would ask Mary to run through the steps and Mary would make it looks so easy that Anne thought, shoot, I can do that, say "Thanks, I can catch up if I have to" and go back to playing with Peggy.
Mary: Ann, I'm worried about Anne, she's not worried at all that my Mom and Dad are going to figure out that she's not going to class. Ann: Well, why should she worry? They're not going to see her dance, so what's the problem. She just gets sick on show night and that's it. Mary: That won't work! My Mom and Dad will feel like they'll have to apologize that she didn't make it, and after making that costume, Mom just might Make her go thinking its just stage fright. Ann: You'd better make her go to a few practices. Mary: I think she's scared that she's missed so many they won't let her come back and will call home. Ann: Oops. So She's going to have to just show up for the show and fake it? Mary: Yes. Ann: Well, don't tell her beforehand, but look for us in the top row, he he. Mary: No! Ann: If you think I'm going to miss this. This will be better than the hair cutting incident.
Just like in a fairy tale things got worse. Grandma had to visit a sick relative. Mom had to buy the leotards and came back with black ones. Then made the reindeer tails without actually looking at a picture. She made them out of stockings. Fortunately, the reindeer antlers were purchased. Nonetheless the afternoon before the show, the girls were shown the leotards with tails permanently sewn on.
They screamed in horror. Windows broke for blocks around.
The local news attributed it to a weather anomaly.
Anne: Mom! Those aren't Reindeer tails, those are Rat tails! We'll look like Mutant Rat-Reindeer. We're supposed to have cute white tails. (Almost crying.) Marye: Mom! You've got to fix them. Ann's right! These are awful. Mom: But Reindeer are like horses, don't horses have long tails! Mary: Not LONG THIN RAT TAILS! Besides, Santa's Reindeer have cute white cotton tails, all the girls agreed! Mom: I'm sorry girls, but you didn't tell me that. (History is uncertain of this detail.) Anne: But don't you see, with black instead of brown costumes, we will REALLY look like Christmas Rats! Mom: We can't do anything about the leotards except maybe give you red collars. Then with two of you, you will look special. Maybe I can pin the tails in a circle or something and stuff them into a white sock...
So this was done and our two reindeer now had stubby tails that were quite fat, but they now no longer looked quite so much like rats and they were a little mollified. Until...
Dad: Good news girls, I talked to Grandma, Uncle Ron, Aunt Sally, Uncle Neil, Dave and a few other friends and drummed up a real audience for you tonight. With their families I'll bet you'll have at least 30 people there to see you dance tonight! Plus the six of us not dancing of course. Mary: (To herself) Plus Peggy and Ann, 38, plus anyone they told, that makes, easily a thousand. Anne: Screams and falls to the floor attempting to simulate the onset of a grave illness.
Two hours later, fed and a little nervous, Mary and Anne are dropped off at the entry for the "backstage" of the performance area. Since the announcement of the potential attendance of 30 relatives Anne realizes that she is well and truly trapped and has spent the last two hours in the basement, without the benefit of a recording of the dreaded Alley Cat, trying to learn the routine.
Her one advantage is that Mary knows it by heart by now as it has been drummed into her until she can do it in her sleep. So she sings the tune as they go along. Two hours is not enough time for Anne at her state of panic to learn the routine. She has never tried to learn a routine before. But she does learn how to do each of the moves, she just cannot get what order they are in.
Walking in Anne has two strategies. One - not be noticed and two - get on stage.
Anne does not want to be noticed because if she is noticed the Dance Program Director might not let her go on. She decides to hide in the darkest corner of the room with her head half hidden and her tail completely out of sight as she knows her tail is completely in opposition to strategy number one - not be noticed.
Mary on the other hand bravely tries to draw fire by being noticeable. And of course she does, as most of the girls can't stop themselves from laughing at her tail, even the nice ones. They all like Mary, she's that kind of girl, nice to everyone, supportive, always something nice to say to everyone, but even with the foreknowledge that Mary's Mom is a terrible sewer, the reality is beyond their comprehension and trying not to laugh just makes it worse.
What saves it of course, is that Mary sees the humor in it.
Mary: You should see what it started as. She took a stocking thinking that reindeer had long thin tails. My sister Anne said I looked like a Mutant Reindeer-Rat.
After that the room exploded with laughter, even Anne couldn't help laughing, the pent up tension inside her bringing tears to her eyes as she looked at the clock and noticed that the show was due to start in two minutes. Just then, the Dance Program Director walked back into the room and called the girls to attention. It was nearly their turn. The younger classes had finished and it was time for them to go on.
Dance Program Director: Girls! Time for you to go on. I want you to know that I am very proud of each and every one of you. You have all worked very hard and you know just what to do. SO, go out to do it and have fun. For some reason we seem to have a particularly big audience tonight, one of our biggest ever. Don't let that throw you. They are here to see you succeed, so pay attention to each other and not them. At the same time, don't forget to smile at each other. After all, you know each other very well and you can count on each other if you are not sure what to do.
If so, just follow the person ahead of you or to either side! Now break a leg!
Line up in one minute.
She left the room and Anne took that moment to sneak up next to and behind Mary as close as she could in line. The clock was ticking. The Dance Program Director came back in went to the curtain, began to open it, looked across her girls smiling, saw Anne, frowned and then hurried to her and said:
Dance Program Director: WHO are YOU? And what are you doing in line with my class, in a costume? Anne: I'm in your class! Dance Program Director: No you're not! I've never seen you before, I have no idea who you are! Anne: But I'm in your class, I'm on your list, look at it, my name is Anne, it's on it just before my sister Mary here. Dance Program Director: Why so it was, I scratched it out when you never came back, but I can't let you go out there if you haven't been here, you don't know the steps. Anne: I've been sick, but Mary's been teaching me at home, and my whole family is out there, praying that I'm well enough to do this. Dance Program Director: Well I'm sorry, but I pray that they'll understand that I can't let you go out there without seeing you do this right at least once and we just don't have the time. I AM sorry to disapoint you, but it's just not fair to the other girls.
And Anne, terrified, sat down, weeping as the other girls went out. Then the Dance Program Director slid out the side curtain to announce the girls and start the record.
Then, terrified of what her parents would say and do, Anne did something that would change her life. She got up, peeked though the curtain, saw that the lights were still down and slipped into the back row of reindeer, not noticing that she had ripped the seam holding the sock onto her "Rat tail" somewhat.
Then Alley Cat began and the lights went up to vigorous applause. The crowd was larger than in her worst nightmares and all of the girls froze for about 4 bars, enough that the Dance Program Director apologized for some "Technical difficulties" and reintroduced the act in blackout again, this time bringing up the lights before the music in hopes of fooling the audience that she was at fault for the incomprehensible stares.
The second introduction worked and it gave Anne a head start as at first she remembered what Mary had taught her. This lasted a glorious 45 seconds, of reindeer dancing to the left, to the right, spinning to the left, spinning to the right, then moving in a box so that those who had been in the back of the formation were now in the very front of the audience.
Two things happened then.
One, Anne ran out of choreography without an example right in front of her to copy from so she was forced to look to either side for help.
Two, she was now blocking Angel, the girl who for the last 6 weeks had been in the front of the pack at this point and whose mother could not get the great picture of her that they had been planning.
Three, this very same girl, Angel noticed something funny about Anne's reindeer tail, it seemed to be having a stitch problem. Surely it would be better if that hanging white string were removed. So, when the reindeer all danced in place in a circle to the right, the little minx held on to that thread and let it unwind, undoing the thread holding the sock in place and before the entire audience, dead center, down front, in front of 30 relatives, poor Anne who appeared to be dancing pretty well thus far, was transformed into a Mutant Rat-Reindeer.
Without Anne's knowledge, at first.
So, if you will excuse the term, seamless was her transition. And so clearly was the transformation the work of Angel, the reindeer behind Anne, that it was mistaken for plot, and from then on all eyes were focused on Anne to see what would become of this poor bespelled Mutant Reindeer-Rat.
What became of her was that she immediately began to lose her reindeer powers to dance.
For as Anne reached the end of her memory of the choreography she began to do every dance move increasingly behind the rest of the dancers, with the gap increasing as time and her panic went on.
When the reindeer turned left, Anne turned left, just a second too late. When the reindeer hopped backwards, Anne stuck in front, caught on a St. Nick of a moment too late and hopped back with so much enthusiasm that she almost knocked the girl behind her, Angel, into the closed curtain, again, this was mistaken for plot. The audience roared. Anne, thinking this reaction was due solely to her inept dancing, was really shaken, but bravely went on, determined to follow the advice given earlier and ignore the audience.
The next time the group twirled full circle, Anne was so determined to dance dramatically, Anne's mutant tail elevated and whipped Angel in the face, hard. She screamed, the audience clapped and laughed again, now convinced that Anne was the star in some little morality play. And Anne began to suspect that the laughter was due to a costume flaw involving her tail. This was confirmed when she spotted the white sock on the floor where she had been standing in front of Angel previously.
Could Angel have? Nooo....
Meanwhile, Mary, a little behind and to the right, watched what was going on with growing concern. Angel could be a vindictive little soul and was not beyond starting a throw down cat fight in front of everyone if this went on any longer. At the same time, Mary knew who the audience would favor. What to do?
Then the reindeer did a block dance again. This finally put Angel in the front row and Mary near her. Angel noticed that Mary had a similar tail to Anne's and put two and two together and she ripped Mary's sock off with glee as the audience whistled.
Mary: (whisper) This means war Angel! Angel: (whisper) I'm not afraid of you! Mary: (whisper) You should be worried about the 40 relatives I have in the audience if I were you, I'd be thinking of a way to give this fairy tale a happy ending. Angel: (whisper) 40! You're lying! Mary: (whisper) Unfortunately not. Just look at their noses. The really tall boys are her brothers. They are having fun, now... Angel: EEK! Mary: (Tail undone - perfectly timed rotation of tail) "Whack"! Think about it!
At this point Angel's confidence had fallen a bit. Realizing that in front of the audience she had removed two tails, and was seen, as the "bad reindeer", she had only one option.
With the end of Alley Cat nearing Angel moved out of position in front of the dancing group and did her best "remorseful" dance which ended with her on her knees facing the side of the stage on which Mary and Anne were "Dancing".
Mary was now doing her best to follow Anne poorly following the other dancers since M was now also a Mutant Rat-Reindeer and so unable to dance in time to the music. She grabbed Anne once Angel was kneeling and brought her to the front to see what she was up to. Angel then, brilliantly, ripped her own tail off, split it in half, and offered it to the two reindeer, who rejoiced in an ersatz "Snoopy Dance" bearing no resemblance to anything taught at the park or the timing of the music.
Mary then ripped off Anne's tail. Anne ripped off Mary's tail. And they raised them up as if to crown Angel for her kindness. Instead, they tied the two together which made them long enough to tie around Angel's waste making Angel a Mutant Rat-Reindeer just as "Alley Cat" ended.
The audience roared with laughter and applause.
The dancers all took a bow together.
Then the audience, being mostly relatives, called "Mary and Anne, Mary and Anne" and to the Dance Program Director's dismay, they came forward to take bows. But then Anne went back and pulled Angel to the front, and to her surprise, the audience, thinking her shenanigans were all part of the act, gave her big applause as well. Thus redeeming Angel in the eyes of her mother. So she joined the three in one final bow.
Then the Dance Program Director having had enough, cut the lights.
Wisely, Mary and Anne did not return backstage.
In the car on the way home. A short but revealing ride.
Mom: Huh, ha, Huh. Ha, Huh, Ha. Anne, You, Ha, You, Anne, Ha, You, Ha, You, Ha didn't ha, go, to a, ha, huh, single, ha, practice, did you? Anne: Um, I went to the first one. Does that count? Mom: If that, ha, huh, wasn't, ha, so, funny, ha, seeing, hu, you, ha, a, ha, a step, behind everyone, ha, else, you'd hah, be, in big, trouble, now. Whew, ooh, lord.
And so the story ends, Anne lived happily ever after. Except that she was doomed to hear this story over and over for the rest of her natural life, because it is one of Mary's favorites, and it is better when Mary tells it.
Except when Anne tells it, of course.
And of course now it is on the internet, where her friends and co-workers at the Park District may see it and understand why she always uses Alley Cat for the Fall Introduction to Dance classes she teaches now.
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