Hard as it is to believe, the Peter Files Blog of Comedy has been, according to the video below, attacked and singled out on a variety of wild charges that we can't even believe he believes are true so are not going to dignify them with a response.
However, if Beck comes after someone as silly as us you might well ask, could you be next? Click on the link here to come back to the blog if this has been mailed to you, then click on the video link below.
What an outrageous video! You can see why we couldn't let it go by without comment.
Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!
Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.
According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.
The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.
It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)
Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.
It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.
However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.
Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.
Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.
The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.
Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.
CNN.Com Live has just projected Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America. As I type this, I am watching the reaction live in Grant Park through teary eyes, remembering another election year of hope 40 years ago, when two great charismatic leaders, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Senator Robert Kennedy were both stolen from us by crazy assassins.
Those were different times. The U.S. Secret Service was not as good as its job then as it is now, but still the shadow of those times haunts me. The tears I cried as an 8-year old in Chatham flow again in joy, just as I see them now live in the eyes of the Reverend Jesse Jackson's eyes on my computer and I can't help wondering if we are sharing some of the same thoughts.
It's been a long road since 1968. Suddenly the hope that was stolen from so many of us so long ago has been returned with the Election of Senator Barack Obama to the Office of President of the United States of America.
This election has not been about race, it has not been about addressing the wrongs of the past, but for those of us who remember with sadness, with great sadness the tragedies of the past, there is a meaning in this victory, beyond all that was said, that is difficult to express, but it is in the tears that stream down my face now.
There is much facing the country now. What will the new President-Elect do to prepare for his first term? How will he organize all his supporters found through the internet to help support his new initiatives and remind the new congress of the depth of his support? What new tools will he bring to the forefront? What will our new future look like?
We all have high expectations. We will all have to be prepared to give him a great deal of support. Are we ready to face the reality of the mess that we have been left? Are we ready to bite the bullet and dig in? Time will tell.
I am now hearing the concession speech of Senator John McCain. Somewhat earlier than I expected. It is a fine speech. Recognizing the historical moment, remembering the death of Obama's Grandmother, and pledging both his support and asking for the support of the Republicans in helping Obama in his Presidency.
The crowd is listening and reacting mostly politely. The negative reaction to the mention of Gov. Palin is perhaps to be expected. It is a Chicago crowd and many women felt insulted by her approach thinking that she was portraying a sub-intelligent model of a woman. I disagree. I think she was doing her best with the hand and preparation she was dealt with. But I am certainly glad and relieved she is not a heartbeat away from the Presidency.
Obama's acceptance speech: will it be regarded as one of the great American Political Speeches? I think so. I happened to be chatting online with a young friend from the south who had bought into all of the McCain fear propaganda about Obama and was basically afraid of him. I understood her fear.
Obama does represent change. Real change and McCain set him up as the boogeyman for many Americans. Connecting him with terrorists. Calling him a socialist. Trying to make people thing a Christian was a Muslim. Making people suspicious about where his money was coming from in one of the first true grass roots fundraising campaigns in history.
Her fear was natural. In many ways, his speech was meant for her as much as it was for any of us. For the changes Obama wants to make, he wants a united America. A healed America. A Nation in which the divisive politics of fear in which people thing an African-american candidate can win only if stupid people, or poor people vote for him is one of the past.
In the end, she was willing to pray for Obama. That was a lot I think. I think some of the fear was gone. But her disappointment like the disappointment of many, was real and would not go in a day, or after one speech. Actions, not words will be the key for voters like her.
I found Obama's speech to be stirring and exactly right. It was thrilling. A call just like Kennedy's to action. A reminder of the work ahead, not waiting for his inaugural address, but to say off the bat, we need to be ready to work now for change, acknowledging the difficulty of the task ahead, setting the tenor of the administration. And the theme. "Yes, we can."
He quoted Lincoln, he sounded like King, he looked like Kennedy, he was change embodied. And his crowd was America. His audience in Chicago was every age and color, more women than men, more white than black, more young than old. Let's face it, you had to be willing to stand till 11 pm just to see him. That favors the young.
Yes, we can. And in the end, he warned our enemies and embraced our friends. A perfect speech I think. And he reminded us that the win was not his win, but a win for us, and that he now had to earn the job.
I think I'll like this President a lot more than the last few. If I don't, you'll be the first to know. Maybe the VP will give me some material...
Sometimes I write commentary and this is the time for commentary. I have been taking a little break, except for a brief review, and a joke or two, but now that the election is so close, I think it's time for me to say something definitive.
I've mostly just made fun of Bush. As comic, that's been fun. As the worst President in US history he's given me a lot of material. I hope not to have so much material with the next US president.
I am so upset, myself about the situation in this country, it's made it hard to write comedy lately, especially, given how hard things have been for Americans. Making fun of bear markets, foreclosures, students who can't pay for school have left a bad taste in my mouth.
The increasing rancor in this election has been even worse. I think if nothing else, that would have pushed me over the edge. Not since Nixon have we seen the kind of dirty tricks politics that I have been seeing in this election. Calling Obama a terrorist, allowing calls for his death. What decade is this, 1960? These kinds of things are unforgivable. I lived through the riots of the 1960's. The national guard was posted in a park one block away from my apartment when I was eight. I don't want to see a generation of the kids who are in high school right now, girls and boys now, drafted and sent to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Korea and Russia to die under McCain and that is the future I see.
I also see enormous hypocrisy on some of his key issues, the pro-life agenda for one. With all the years of Republican administrations there have been no effective pro-life programs funded that would really make a difference in creating wide-scale options to reduce the number of abortions because they were anti-Republican in nature. If they really cared about the issue the way they say they do, there could have been programs beyond abstinence. Programs for funding education for single mothers of children without husbands, programs for paying for hospital and day-care costs, programs for helping to expand adoptions services. Making abortion illegal was not the only way to go. Did they try to do anything like that. No. Not through Reagan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr. and we can darn well expect nothing of the like to happen with McCain either. Anyone who expects anything different is fooling themselves.
Why? Because the Republican Party is all about taking away options and not giving anything back. That's how I feel about it. Taking away scholarship options, taking away funding of transit, taking away anything that helps individuals.
I don't know what is going to happen in this election. I don't know what Obama is going to do. But I think he is our best chance for a recovering economy. Our best chance for peace. Our best chance for education and a hundred other issues. And yes, if you are a pro-life person who wants alternatives to abortion, I think he is your best chance to get them funded too. In fact, I think its now, or NEVER.
So, listen to what Retired General Colin Powell has to say. I was very impressed. He summarizes a lot of what I felt. I was very surprised that he bought into the Weapons of Mass Destruction debacle. I was pleased to hear him admit his mistake later. He's one of the few Republicans I would vote for, for President, because of his integrity and his clear sense of personal honor. I hope he gets Sec Def back.
And don't be offended by my political opinions. I respect yours. You have a right to them. Just don't expect me to approve any comments with hate in them. And to the military. I support you. I just wish you were home with your families. Tomorrow.
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part II Troubled by the "Muslim" issue when Obama is a Christian. The commitment and death of Muslim-American Soldiers in Iraq. His Endorsement for President, who he will vote for in the election. The William Ayers issue. Connecting Obama to Ayers is a "terrible stretch its demagogory".
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part III "It is not easy for me to disappoint Senator McCain in the way that I have this morning...I think we need a transformational figure, a transformational Change, and that's why I am supporting Senator Barrack Obama."
Got to say, there really hasn't been a campaign song in this election that has captured the hearts and minds of the electorate, until now.
But Ken and Dave changed all that with their song: Brain to Nowhere!
It's a campaign song for Sarah Palin and John McCain, and while I have already voted myself for Obama, I have to say that I can't help letting you know about this song, because, well, great art should be noted.
I know, I know, there is a risk that it could turn the election, but it's in the late days now and it's got a great beat, you can dance to it, so I give it a 95. You just have to hear it. Tell me what you think.
And you you gotta love their backup singers and that piano extro at the end.
You also have to love someone who can admit their candidates', um, liabilities, and love her anyway. So give this ditty a listen, but vote Obama if you haven't already.
And if you're in Illinois, vote no on the Illinois Constitutional referendum. There is a separate call about Blago. But opening up a call about the constitution is just an open invitation to rape teacher, policeman, fireman and other government worker pensions to pay for mismanaged policies of Ryan and his predecessors and wreak other untold havoc. We don't need it.
Here's that video!
And whoever you support.
VOTE!
Even if you are for McCain. I mean that. Don't be a candy *ss.
Stand up and be counted in this election. If you don't vote the politicians think you don't care and that is worse than my candidate not winning. I think.
Oh, and if you are a 1 issue candidate. Ask yourself if your candidates have done anything real for your issue while they were in office. They haven't have they. Nada. In fact, for a lot of issues. Obama is the only one likely to sign off on money that would help the people that would help support your issue. Think about it.
Now, don't forget to vote! (Hopefully, Obama/Biden).
Dems Change Middle Name to Hussein because it rhymes with brain.
Peter Files Blog of Comedy Political Souses report a trend of Democrats nationwide changing their middle names to Hussein in support of Barrack Obama, Democratic Presidential Nominee for President.
A new Facebook Group was formed today "People Who Call Themselves "Hussein" in Support of Obama"when it's originator, who declined to be quoted noted "The number of those with facebook listings with "Hussein" as their middle name was "Over 500" and many or most of these were ordinary American names. I'm just organizing a trend that already exists.
The groups purpose:
Are you tired of the growing hate in this election?
John McCain's and Sarah Palin's Personal attacks on Senator Barrack Obama have gone beyond the point where they can be considered within the bounds of political fair play.
Now most people with common sense know that these "Ad Hominem" attacks by McCain-Palin are a desperate attempt to replace the lack of a real program that is helpful to any but the uber-rich.
It's time to put an end to the personal attacks on Obama that go beyond the boundaries of record or common sense but play on old fashioned "race politics" that should offend us all.
Go ahead. Take a stand. Put part of Senator Obama's name in your name, yes, that part that McCain and Palin want to "scare people with"!
Ooh, "Hussein" isn't that unfamiliar foreing sounding name sooo scary, you dumb hick Joe Six packs"!
By speaking out, whether in your Facebook name, your status messages, in an email message, a button, a sign in your window, by making Hussein part of your name today you can help deprive the McCain-Palin camp of one of its weapons of fear. The kind of weapon Adolph used. Now there's a name people hate.
The terrorist who once owned "Hussein", gave it its meaning and its fear value is dead. We should now take it back and give it back to the many people of worth who were born with it and deserve the common dignity of personhood.
Why should the actions of one now dead, cruel and vicious dictator reflect on any of them anyway? Why do we act like sheep about something like this. We have gone beyond this, or should have.
It's this sheep like, herd-like mentality that fear-mongers like the McCain-Palin ticket are depending on to deprive us of our chance at meaningful change at this election.
If you pledge to "change your name", be it for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or forever, you support a change from the totolitarian fear-based politics that can ruin a nation.
You don't have to be pro-Obama to do this.
Of course, you will find many friends here if you do.
However, if you do this experiment, you may find out who among your friends has a sense of humor and who does not. And in doing so you might find yourself a supporter of Senator Barack Hussein Obama, after all.
And remember this, it is just a chance of fate that you were not born with the name Hussein in your name.
Senator Obama has nothing to do with this group.
Turns out, this is a real Facebook group. Well, will you join the effort too?
Point-Counter-Point: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
Welcome to Point-Counter-Point we have a huge and varied panel today and so I want to get right to our topic today and ask a question many Americans are asking:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! And by crossing the road he got the CHANGE that every American wants and will get by voting for me in November!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me, it's about all you chickens who can vote, and all you chickens who HATE the people who want to CHANGE the way you cross the road.......
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but w ill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Expl orer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
SIMON COWELL That has to be the worst performance by a chicken that I have ever seen. Get than thin legged little pullet out of here!
PAULA ABDUL Oh, look at the cute little chickee. Don't you just love it Randy? Simon? It just makes me want to cry? Simon, what's wrong? Where are you going with that hammer? No, No, NOOOOOOOO!
Once again, thanks to my friend MES for submitting this!
Mandatory free school busing in all school districts reduces parent auto drop-off and pick up use.
Methane collection vents in the top of all rib joints, firehouses and country bars.
Whether events are inside or outside, the use of mandatory portable wind-powered electricity generators at all political election events, fundraisers or debates.
Threaten oil-producing states with U.S. forced air broadcasts of The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, Menudo Concerts, The Cheetah Girls, Charlie's Angels, Miami Vice, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and 24-hour repeats of all Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview specials ever recorded on several open-air TV channels.
If they resist, threaten them with Richard Simmons exercise videos, Roseanne, Maude, and our secret weapon, Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
Require gas stations to give away a free bicycle after every $3,000 of gas purchased. (10 SUV fill-ups).
Mandatory 4-day work weeks in summers with 9 hour workday max (Mondays off? We all hate them anyway).
This will reduce work commute gas consumption by 20% in summertime when they soak us for high prices anyway. Threaten to do the same thing in winter when there is no sunlight to do anything fun anyway.
Downtown Parking Garages must give 40% discounts to those who arrive with 2 passengers before 9am. They collect signed forms to use for tax rebates to offset cost.
According to an AP report cited on CNN today: "China's Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi left Thursday for a trip to Japan where he is expected to finalize details for a landmark official visit by China's President (Hu) early next month."
Peter Files Blog inexpert political souses have inferred from thin air that security arrangements for the Chinese President may include a surprise "Security Detail" of 5,000 tanks, 4,000,000 troops and an as yet undetermined lead-painted Thomas The Tanks Engine Red Trains.
When asked about the security arrangements by our Peter Files Blog China Desk Correspondent an unnamed spokesperson on the Chinese Delegate Staff had this to say:
Spokesperson: "Who you taking about?" Peter Files Blog: "That's Right, Hu." Spokesperson: "Who?" Peter Files Blog: "Hu!" Spokesperson: "He'll be coming to review." Peter Files Blog: "The new Hu review?" Spokesperson: "It may be a Zoo." Peter Files Blog: "We heard his security detail might include troops?" Spokesperson: "Whoops! Where did you get that idea, we no bring troops." Peter Files Blog: "Are you sure Hu's not bringing 4,000,000 troops?" Spokesperson: "This is a peaceful visit, who would bring troops on a peaceful visit? But Chinese exports include Hula Hoops! Peter Files Blog: "Hu's bringing hoops?" Spokesperson: "No hoops or troops! This peaceful visit! Peaceful!" Peter Files Blog: "Many Thanks." Spokesperson: "No, there will be no Tanks coming on this visit either!" Peter Files Blog: "Not Tanks, Thanks, many thanks for your time." Spokesperson: "No the rumor that President Hu's detail bring 5,000 tanks absolutely unfounded! You twist my words!" Peter Files Blog: "Who's detail?" Spokesperson: "You know who's detail, Hu's detail, the President's detail! President Hu's detail!" Peter Files Blog: "The President is Bush?" Spokesperson: "The President of China is not tired! He is full of energy! He does not need to bring army, I mean Security Detail to keep him awake." Peter Files Blog: "Not like the American President. I'm not sure if he's awake even when he's awake." Spokesperson: "Achoo!" Peter Files Blog: "There you go again. Who?"
After reviewing this transcript, the Peter Files Blog Regrets this article and has decided to re-classify it from news/commentary to political satire and humor and to consider getting a new China Desk. They tend to be expensive so we may just hire a new foreign correspondent instead.
Who?
We just don't know.
Any volunteers. You?
The Peter Files Comedy Blog Paranoia Squad asks, why is it that it was the RED trains that were lead painted?
Stop the drinking the 97 Octane Shots during Happy Hour at Stumpy's Truck Stop and Redneck Bar.
Get American Automakers to rethink that whole - "Naw, only geeks would buy electric cars" idea.
Slot machines and dice tables on all public buses and trains to build transit use and create homes for permanent moving craps games.
Baywatch Babes on all Transit Cards.
Cars to have solar panels and sails. Auto foredecks for bikini sunbathing still under debate. While this measure will slow traffic, it may cause accidents.
Give up on Pappy Reagan's idea of not aiding Transit Operations funding with Federal Operations Dollars. The idea to cut Federal Operating Existence was a terrible one then (late 1980's) and it is one now. The theory was that states would pick up the difference, but they did not, at least not in proportion to the funds that were eliminated. The difference in the Chicago region in the years since the cuts is well over a Billion Dollars and climbing.
So instead, our own federal Government drove millions of people off transit and into toxic emitting autos. Wonder if the auto industry lobbyists had anything to do with that idea?
Moving people in large urban areas to public transportation, preferably hydrogen buses, is an extremely cost-effective way, to reduce toxic emissions, reduce asthma causing smog, and reduce greenhouse gasses.
Jeff Foxworth has apparently announced that he is running for President because Ralph Nader has thrown his hat into the Ring again. Yes, again.
I used to respect old Reptile Nose, but now that he's become a repeated spoiler for the Republicans who stand for the reverse of what he does, I think that Ralph has become an idiot who is just serving his ego instead of the interests he purports to serve.
I wonder if he sells more books every times he runs. Or other things. Does he make or lose money at it?
Perhaps he is just deluded.
I'd rather vote for Foxworthy myself, though if I had to pick a candidate, I'd probably pick Bob Newhart. He's had a Jesuit Education AND been an Actor.
Here's the story from new Peter Files Blog friend Blog Josh Goller's Adjust Yourself.
Patrick: Ah, its good to hear that the Americans have another good Irishman running for President, and a Democrat as well!
Michael: Who are you talking about?
Patrick: Why Senator O'Bama of course!
Hope this joke didn't turn you green!
If you want more Irish or St. Patrick's day jokes, just click the keywords below the YouTube.com videos, or enter a search for the words, or the word Ireland in the blue Google search box in the side bar.
If you get drunk enough, of course, feel free to donate to the blog using the donate now button, or by clicking ads with abandon and then doing things at those sites. No hacking there, please.
About the new YouTube Videos box, it is linked to about 68 hand picked comedy videos. They are excruciatingly funny and yet clean. They are always in the same order however, so once you've seen the first 7 you will have to hit the multiple window button which will bring up a selector for the videos, it will include an arrow selector for you to move to the next block of 7 videos on the right, and backwards on the left. The little pictures give you clues as to the content, but are not always a good clue.
For example, from the first picture, it is impossible to tell what funny stuff is in that video. I especially recommend the one with six guys at a table in a library. 5 Japanese, and what appears to be one African-Japanese. I dare you to keep from laughing at this one. The content is safe for work, except for the guffaws, snickers and hoots that may come out of your cubicle. On the other hand, if your boss starts to watch it, her or she will probably not be able to stop, nor stop laughing. It is totally non-sexist. Unless you think the abuse of men in a 3-stooges manner is somehow sexist.
Please do check out the sidebar. I've cleaned it up a LOT. There are a lot of new jokes listed in the favorite links and you must have noticed how much faster these pages load.
What ever you do on March 17th, the Imbibes of March, as I call it, drive safe, and remember that others may not be!
March 15th is the Ides of March. But don't worry. The Ides of March shouldn't be an unlucky day for you.
The Ides or the 15th of each month on the Roman Calendar used in 44 B.C. was unlucky only for Gaius Julius Caesar Imperator Pontifex Primum Praeter Counsul Imperator Rex. (Later, his adopted son Octavius who conned Cicero into conning the Senate into naming Octavius Counsul of Rome had the Senate declare Julius Caesar a god too, but that happened after Caesar's death.)
Easier then, the Romans had lots of Gods. Of course later, Augustus got himself elevated to god-hood too, as well as month hood, for him and uncle Julius (July and Augus, of course), got himself named Emporer for life after getting Marc Anthony to bump himself off in Alexandria and even more important, survived to the ripe old age of 71.
There's a song to remember Julius Caesar's titles that I learned in Latin Class - It goes to the tune of "Clementine"
Gaius Julius Caesar Noster Imperator Pontifex Primum Praeter Diende Counsul Nunc Dicator Mox Que Rex.
Julius omens, warnings, portents, dreams, and the stark political realities of the fear he had created in the old Republican Guard, and so was stabbed on the floor of the Roman Senate 23 times, including by his old friend Brutus, it is said. (Leading to Shakespeare's Line, "Et tu, Brute?" (And you, Brutus?) Brutus is said to have been the last to give old Julius the Shiv.)
Anyway this event has given the Ides of March a bad name for the more than 2000 years since.
We Americans really should amend it though! Instead we should say:
BEWARE THE IDES OF APRIL! It WILL be a taxing time for us all.
Happy St. Patrick's day, that's the 17th of this month otherwise known as -wait for it,
I've been thinking, Obama has a lot going for him, but his campaign needs, something, a certain something. I know, it needs a campaign song. Something easily singable. Not a Fleetwood Mac song. Something suggesting basic values & the need for change.
So I came up with this. I'll bet half the nation is singing this within a week.
Well, maybe not. But I had fun doing it. Then I had to take out all the bashing. LOL.
Still, it was fun. What do you think? Please, use the comments section to tell me what you think!
I'm going to vote for Obama he's our next President I'm sick and tired of the same old rut they took our money and spent, spent, spent, spent, spent.
What we need is a leader who can steer us right back on course 'cause if we don't - make some kind of change - things in America could get still worse!
So first, he needs nomination then, he needs our support then, we get out voter registration So in the end we won't fall just sho-o-ort.
Obama can heal the nation join the Obama campaign, get - on - the Obama bandwagon - you'll be - glad - you came!
Important! This song has not been endorsed by Senator Obama.
Even so, you can easily forward this to friends and relatives using the envelope icon below. If I get a chance I will update this post with a sound clip. Oh joy, you are thinking if you have heard me sing on My Blog Theme Song on the sidebar (snicker).
Another Joke from my friend Andy. But is it really a joke?
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.--
Vote carefully this year!
Be like Andy, send me a joke and I'll give you credit. Just put it in a post comment and if I like it (probably) I will move it up to its own post and give you credit. Otherwise I will leave it in the comments section. The only things I edit out by the way are obscenity and obvious spam. If you have your own blog, even a competing comedy blog, feel free to mention it. I am happy to do cross links!
As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.
We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true. As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. Its your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not. True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.
Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign
10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort?
9 - Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?
8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?
7 - Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton - presuming a fall victory - to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function?
Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?
6 - Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).
5 - Is it true that one night during the Clinton Administration Hillary wandered into the war room under the White House during a supposed crises and caught Bill and the Joint Chiefs drinking and playing poker, and rather than getting mad she took a seat at the table and cleaned everyone out except the Navy cook who had come in to serve sandwiches and who split the last pot with her?
4 - Is it true that Thursday is "pantsuit day" for everyone on the campaign but that only Bill refuses to bow down to the pressure, which is why you never see him on the trail on Thursdays?
3 - Could it really be that Hillary's 'George W' given nickname is 'Tinkerbell', that no one knows why, and that the Senator's campaign staff is afraid to ask her about it?
2 - Is it possible that Hillary has a secret Taco Bell habit formed when that "cute little dog" was on all the commercials and that she thought it was funny because his English reminded her of W's?.
1 - Is the deepest darkest secret of the Hillary Clinton campaign: that to lock up at least one Presidential nomination, using Hollywood special effects makeup, Hillary is secretly running for President as John McCain with Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live masquerading as Cindy McCain? This could explain Tina Fey's strange outburst two weeks ago on SNL during weekend update!
Oh, how America wants to know the truth. Or do we?
Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.
Dateline Texas: Clinton Says Obama's Delegate "Lag" Sure to Decline After The March 4th Primaries/McCain Says Bush Deserves Sainthood
A woman who wished to be known as "Mystic Clinton", unofficial spokeswoman for "Hillary is Kool" a Texas Democratic Group with "at least 17 members" and who is, as far as we know, unrelated to the former first Lady and current Senator, said today to Peter Files Blog Insiders that "Obama's lag in the convention delegate race was "sure to decline after the March 4th primaries, especially in Texas."
When it was pointed out to "Ms. Clinton" that in fact, as of this date, Senator Obama was ahead by more than 100 delegates and that for a "lag to decline" meant that his lead would advance, Ms. Clinton corrected us.
"No, that doesn't account for the secret delegates."
When asked for more information about the secret delegates she referred to Ms. Clinton looked to her left and right and said, "Well, everybody knows about the secret delegates, they're the ones with all the special privileges at conventions. They get to dress up in silly outfits and play pranks and create disturbances and get hauled out by security and five minutes later they are right back in the hall dressed in their regular clothes because they have the special passes. They blend in with everyone else, and everyone knows them but when it comes time for the electronic voting, their votes cancel out the votes of ten other delegates."
When asked for evidence about these astounding charges, Ms. Clinton said, "Well shoot, everybody around here knows about secret delegates. The Republicans have had them for years. I think the Democrats just caught on more recent like. Now Senator Obama, he's a good man, but I think he's too new to have drafted himself any secret delegates and I think you have to have a bunch of them to win any nomination."
Seeking confirmation of this outlandish story we were only able to find one other person in Texas who had ever heard of "secret delegates"; that was "Bubba Sharif McCain" head of "Texas Republicans against change of any kind - George W. for a Third Term - Heah!" a self-proclaimed Republican fan club of uncertain membership.
"Confidentially speakin' I heard of secret delegates. There was some crazy lady in the other county, Marge something, at a political rally. She kept yellin and screamin about it the last two or three elections. But I don't pay talk like that no never mind. Not when I got something important to do, like getting George W. Bush elected to the President for a third term or if not that, Sainthood.
When we mentioned that third Presidential terms were prohibited by the Constitution of the United States and that to become a Saint you were normally required to be a Roman Catholic, Mr. McCain said, "Well don't that beat all, you'd think with all the miracles he performed they might make an exception for him!"
Miracles?
"Miracle one - goin into Iraq after those 911 terrorists who had them WMD's and Mission Accomplished so soon! I tell you that was inspiring!"
"Miracle two - there hasn't been a single commie threat while he has been in office of any kind, why those Russkies have been quiet as little mouses."
"Miracle three - Just look at Hurricane Katrina, why that whole darn city could have been washed away, gone forever, but look at it now, why I bet that its better, cleaner and happier than its ever been."
"Miracle four - Just look at our economy, why right here in town our McDonalds and Wal Mart always have jobs for people that want them. Why I remember when lotsa people were outa work and today, why lotsa folks have two jobs. One feller I know who just got married has three. If that ain't proof of a healthy economy, why I don't know what is."
"Miracle Five - Just look at how he's kept all those young GI's working and building up service time overseas. Why you know that's gonna look good when they come home looking for jobs, and you know, the only way to advance in the military is by seeing combat. Of course that's all over, Mission Accomplished, heh, heh."
"Lesse, Why the way he's led and inspired the whole Republican Party to follow his leadership in lock step behind him, voting his way right down the line. That's a true miracle. He did that here in Texas too. Why, I count at least six miracles right there.
At this point our correspondent decided that discretion was the better part of valor, though I told him that he just plain chickened out.
We note that like Ms. Mystic Clinton, Mr. Bubba Sharif McCain has no relatives running for office that we know of.
It need hardly be said that like any other item found on the Peter Files Blog of Comedy this Post Should Be Considered Devoid of Any Meaningful Information Whatsoever. This Post contains Political Satire. Resemblance to actual statements, person, organizations, delegates, or reality is entirely coincidental. However, I've said it just in case this gets picked off the internet by an intern at some small foriegn paper to save him/her from embarrassing himself with their editor.
Commentary: Newsflash! The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Announces its 2008 Primary Political Endorsement
As regular readers may be aware these comedy, satire, joke, commentary and video pages have long engaged in politically based humor, much of it aimed squarely at the cucumbent President of the United States of America, George Herbert Walker Bush.
Because of that, the fact that this "noble" blog might actually follow in the footsteps of Ted and Caroline Kennedy in making an official primary election endorsement, may come to no surprise to them.
Surprising instead, may be our contention that we can predict with absolute certainty that our endorsement will be just as valid after the primary elections, as before, because of our special tracking of the humor pulse of Americans during these last three years.
We can also predict with confidence that if large numbers of Americans fendorsement in the general election this fall, will have a positive impact on World opinion of the United States of America and of America in General.
If you saw the State of the Union Address made by President Bush last night you could not help but be struck with the depth of the problems facing out nation. While not facing disaster, or a World War, we nonetheless face crises that require teamwork and ideas from all sectors from our society. These serious problems also require national leadership from a President capable of intelligent leadership uniting both sides of the aisle.
Do you know enough about the candidates to say that any of them have those essential leadership qualities? So many do not. This is why we at the Peter Files Blog of Comedy have decided to step out of our role as humorists, satirists and comedians and write a bit about these elections and take the rare step of making an endorsement.
In this, we are reminded of the fact that we are all Americans and in times like these the one thing we need to do is take a hard look at all the candidates, and for many of us this might mean making a hard choice, even though may go against the grain, even though it might make you or us uncomfortable, even though it may even go against generations of practice among our/your family and friends value and practices, in the end, if you are convinced you are doing the right thing, the conscientious thing, at least for the office of President, you may find peace and satisfaction ultimately in your decision that you have not known before.
In considering following the endorsement of The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, you may well ask yourself, why should I listen to the advice of a small but lonely voice on the internet? Especially one so often full of satire, humor and jokes and rarely engaged in well documented political discourse?
Why? Because you can. You may disagree. But in this age of the Internet, where so many of us effectively have our own printing presses with the ability to print our own version of Poor Richard's Almanac, or any other political idea via our Constitutionally protected freedom of speech via the Bill of Rights we now have the ability to find like minds is unsurpassed in human history. Perhaps the ideas here, which stand or fall on their own merit as all ideas should, are ones that will resonate within you. We hope so. If not, please feel free to comment if you feel your ideas are better. Share your ideas instead. I try to check for comments every day.
The only comments we edit out here, are those with obscenity (avoid the 7+ words you can't say on television, this is a safe for family blog) or those that are robot generated spam. Feel free to include your blog's address at the end of your comment. Just have a relative comment please.
You have the freedom, and the right, to add to this discussion, intelligently, where you can, or add a relevant joke. Yes, this is still a comedy blog after all, but let us not forget, even Ben Franklin was known to crack a joke or two, but don't think we're claiming his level of genius.
The answer for why you should consider our endorsement is that, as small a voice as this blog may be, if you listen to your conscience, if you truly examine the reasoning here, then take a hard look at the candidates, and actually look at their credentials and what they really offer the country, your choice in this matter will become clear to you.
You may follow our endorsement solely because you think it is clearly the only right moral and honest, responsible, thing to do. It certainly passes the philosopher Immanuel Kant's categorical imperative test: essentially, an action is acceptable if you yourself can live with the consequences if everyone else does it too. There are certainly those who would agree that this would be true.
You may will recognize, as we do that it has already become clear that in this election year that there truly is one clear choice, one moral imperative that all responsible Americans must choose when their primary election comes up, even when they fear, as many do, that in following our endorsement, what we believe is the best and most patriotic choice for these perilous times, the choice needed to tell the world that America, regardless of whatever mistakes we have made, or have not made in the last years is at heart a stronger country than it was before with the ability to choose a leader that represents of our nation.
Our Endorsement:
With this in mind, the Peter Files Comedy Blog Officially Endorses for the 2008 Primary and General Presidential Elections:
That You VOTE!
Believe it or not, we don't want to proscribe who you should vote for. Naturally, some of us have strong preferences. But please, just vote. Encourage others to do the same. IF you are one of those who can vote but have given up on the process or have never voted before and are eligible to vote please do what it takes to vote this year.
We hope that you will also take the time to listen to the candidates in the primary elections, and make an informed decision at the polls, even if it means crossing party lines (regardless of which way you cross - if you feel you should do so this election).
Note: Regular readers of this blog might assume that this blog would endorse either ***Senator Obama*** or Senator Clinton automatically and that they would be safe from our reporting of the kind of jokes, jibes and jabs that have been floating around President Bush since this blog was first published.
We would like to think that with incompetence, bad luck and slow news days, comes satire, bad jokes, and funny videos, and so, whomever becomes the next President of these United States in January, (or February, September. whatever of 2009), the clock will be ticking until the first really bad post-election jokes start to hit.
Of course, some Presidents of the United States of America have been easier to make fun of after awhile in office than others.
(Tricky Dicky Nicky, NIM+, I've fallen, oops, oops, Billy beer, killer rabbit, Bedtime for Bonzo, blue dress, cigar, killer pretzels, pronunciation, "See George, See George Read, See Buildings Fall, See George Read After Buildings Fall, Why George?, Why George, Why?, This is Iraq. This is Afghanistan. These are WMD's. This is Osama. See George look for WMD's instead of Osama. Why George, Why?)
Come to think of it, except for Bush senior, they've all been pretty easy to make fun of. Even taciturn President Calvin Coolidge and he he didn't say anything.
My favorite famous and I think true Calvin Coolidge joke was:
Lady: I have a bet with my friend that I can get you to say more than three words.
Coolidge: You lose.
+ Hoping to boost consumer confidence in a post-oil OPEC huge inflationary price increase period President Gerald Ford started a publicity campaign around millions of small red and white WIN buttons standing for Whip Inflation Now. Unfortunately, almost immediately cynics began turning the buttons upside down chanting NIM! NIM! NIM! No Immediate Miracles.
So, The Peter Files Blog of Comedy is not endorsing a person this year.
In fact, barring mental lapses or late discoveries of genocidal tendencies of Presidential Candidates in the General Election we intend to do our best to stay out of the actual endorsement process of an individual. That is not the same thing as even coverage. We are a comedy and commentary blog and write about whatever we want to. Period.
However, the discussion of this or that issue in re a specific candidate may come up from time to time if it seems illuminating, or funny, or both.
What we are doing is sincerely encouraging everyone to vote, regardless of political preference, except pseudo-Nazi's, racists, terrorists of every kind, and haters in general, sorry, hate is just antithetical to the underlying idea of a comedy blog, even we draw the line there.
You'd think I wouldn't have to say that, but last night Art Jones, one of the Republican Candidates for the 3rd Congressional District Race in Illinois against Democratic Dan Lipinski, no relation to Tara Lipinski, admitted last night on PBS TV's WTTW-Chicago's Chicago Tonight, that he had a past as a neo-nazi in the 70's and that he was a strong supporter of "White Power". See his website for details. Yuch. Better yet, don't.
This shows the importance of knowing who you are voting for. Imagine going into the polls as a Republican, seeing two names on the ballot, Arthur Jones and Michael Hawkins. Not knowing which of the two to vote for, which would you pick?
We also wish to strongly encourage you to help those who wish to vote, to vote early in areas where early or advance voting is possible, such as or like in Cook County Illinois.
Peter voted today, boy was that cool. No line. The Illinois Elections are next Tuesday, Thursday is the last day for pre-voting in Illinois.
And if you are registered to vote, and don't because you are too darn lazy? Then you gentle reader, should ask yourself: "What's wrong with me anyway?"
Note: Those with serious medical conditions, like depression, anxiety disorders, and other serious medical problems should never consider themselves lazy. But you may be able to get more help from local election officials than you realize in getting assistance in voting via an absentee ballot. Really. But see if you can't get yourself to the polls or get an absentee ballot, you'll be glad you did, even if you "cancel out" the vote of that irritating jerk across the hall.
Thank you for considering our recommendation for this election year. On behalf of the Peter Files Blog of Comedy... I remain,
As you may be aware, while not playing Old Maid in the Cloakroom, the Illinois State Legislature has been going through many machinations this month to solve the Chicago Transit Authority's funding crisis.
Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich stunned all of the politicos in Illinois and Chicago especially when he finally announced, through an amendatory veto, the part of the CTA rescue plan that he'd been keeping under his thinking cap, probably so that he'd get sole credit for it, that all senior citizens would ride free under his new plan, leading to the headline above, albeit, I hope a fictional one.
Illinois Governor's New Transit Plan Solves Senior Homeless Problem at One, er, Stroke
Not that Senior Citizens ever have strokes, or would ride CTA perpetually in cold weather under the new plan.
Or would shoot CTA Service Planning all to heck and back by giving unlimited riding to any market segment.
Of course, there are some benefits to the plan, a lot of Senior riding is in the off-peak, that is from 9 am to 3 pm on weekdays and on the weekends, when CTA has more capacity. One problem though is that Seniors tend to be early risers and may be tempted to ride early, between 5:30 and 7:30 when CTA does not have extra capacity.
A simple solution would be to charge everyone the same thing during these times, Senior Citizen or no, or, to charge the current half fare during peak hours. Otherwise, CTA may be forced to purchase even more equipment than it has now, and given its current capital needs crisis that would not be a good thing.
Yes, I thought of other headlines that could be in our future:
New Senior Fare Plan Leads To Need For Bathrooms on Buses and Trains
What the El is Leaking From That Train?
CTA Now Has More Depends-Able Public Transportation
New Bus Routes To Go Past Funeral Home Viewing Windows In Off-Peak On Request, Seniors Dying to Use New Service Option
I'm Tired Of Your Complaining Mom, Go Jump On A Bus!
CTA Ridership Up, Seats Down, Seniors Eye Chicago As New Vacation Mecca
Of course, this is all in fun. What ever they can do to give CTA a stable source of income without stealing from the hard working employees and retirees of CTA is a good thing, in my book.
Did you know that coming into downtown from O'Hare or Midway you can save $30 to $40 taking CTA's safe Blue and Orange lines and as much as 30 and 40 minutes as well? That time and money combination is hard to beat!
I think that everyone commenting on the issue is missing the central point that since Reagan cut funding of Transit Operations (not Capital Funding) to transit properties in the 90's, in Chicago that was a loss of 80+ million a year, Illinois, unlike many other states, never figured out a way to pick up the difference. (Cf: NYCTA, Boston, Septa, etc). Instead its been blame CTA for problems caused elsewhere and lack of the political will to do what was needed. And in a region that needs CTA as much as this one does, not to mention Pace and Metra, that's no joke.
I can't help wondering why, when after the last 3 census counts when Chicago lost population, legislators were eager to cut CTA, why after the last census when the City of Chicago's population grew, legislators were not more willing to sustain or even expand CTA?
Especially since the new population, Hispanics, are very likely to use CTA for many of their trips.
Makes you wonder, doesn't it.
Seniors Refuse Free Rides On CTA, Want Free Cars From Oprah Instead
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