Back in The Saddle Again: Why I Was Off: A Fairy Tale Retold Stereotypically

Hi, I'm back.

You may have noticed a little gap in posts. This has happened before this time of year and will probably happen again. Sorry about that. The fact is that some years ago I lost my one of very best friends+ on my memorial day weekend some years ago and you'd think I'd be over it by now, but I'm not. People say a lot of "Shoulds" about things like this, or "normally"'s. But the fact is when it comes to people you really care about, should and normal don't really apply, especially when the circumstances that separate you are things that should not have happened, and were very far from normal.

That's all I am going to say about it. After all, this IS a comedy blog, and I don't want to bring you down. But if you want to infer any more, note that I never do jokes about airplane crashes.

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Da Tree Liddle Pigs

Once upon a time dere were tree liddle pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day dis nasty old wolf came up to da straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So da straw pig went running over to da stick pig's house and said, "Please; let me in, da wolf just blew down my house." So da stick Pig let da straw pig in. Just then da wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So da straw pig and da stick pig went running over to da brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, da big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So da brick pig let them in just as da wolf showed up. Den da wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." You can imagine dat da straw pig and the stick pig were so scared dad dey almost made a mess! But dese Pigs, dey had self-respect, and no matter how scared dey were, dey held demselves together.

Instead of being scared, da brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. Dese pigs come over to da wolf, grab him by da neck and beat da living daylights out of him until he was crying like a little baby, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing da big bad wolf as an example of what happens when you mess with made pigs. Den dey tied big cement blocks around his feet and trew his sorry tail into the creek.

Den dey got back into dere big black Caddy and drove off, not a hair out of place, nor a wrinkle on dere suits.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who da heck were dose guys?" they asked da brick pig.

"Dose were my cousins, he said nonchalantly... da Guinea Pigs.

Gotta love dose Italians. "


Tanks to my friend Mary Ellen for dis here joke, which I have re-grammatized for effect.

Peter "I remember where da spots formerly was!"

The Peter Files Blog does not mean to offend persons of any ethnic origin by publishing such a joke/pun, especially those with access to automatic weapons, big fists and cement. We hope that this humor will be taken in the smae good nature that more famous work such as The Sopranos, The Godfather, Goodfellas and other light-hearted fare.

Peter, Chief Editor and Da Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Beware Ides of March? What about the Ides of April?

Talk about a mistake. He was warned.

March 15th is the Ides of March. But don't worry. The Ides of March shouldn't be an unlucky day for you.

The Ides or the 15th of each month on the Roman Calendar used in 44 B.C. was unlucky only for Gaius Julius Caesar Imperator Pontifex Primum Praeter Counsul Imperator Rex. (Later, his adopted son Octavius who conned Cicero into conning the Senate into naming Octavius Counsul of Rome had the Senate declare Julius Caesar a god too, but that happened after Caesar's death.)

Easier then, the Romans had lots of Gods. Of course later, Augustus got himself elevated to god-hood too, as well as month hood, for him and uncle Julius (July and Augus, of course), got himself named Emporer for life after getting Marc Anthony to bump himself off in Alexandria and even more important, survived to the ripe old age of 71.

There's a song to remember Julius Caesar's titles that I learned in Latin Class - It goes to the tune of "Clementine"

Gaius Julius Caesar Noster
Imperator Pontifex
Primum Praeter
Diende Counsul
Nunc Dicator
Mox Que Rex.

Julius omens, warnings, portents, dreams, and the stark political realities of the fear he had created in the old Republican Guard, and so was stabbed on the floor of the Roman Senate 23 times, including by his old friend Brutus, it is said. (Leading to Shakespeare's Line, "Et tu, Brute?" (And you, Brutus?) Brutus is said to have been the last to give old Julius the Shiv.)

Anyway this event has given the Ides of March a bad name for the more than 2000 years since.

We Americans really should amend it though! Instead we should say:

BEWARE THE IDES OF APRIL! It WILL be a taxing time for us all.

Happy St. Patrick's day, that's the 17th of this month otherwise known as -wait for it,

THE IMBIBES OF MARCH!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Dying for a Cookie

This one's from my friend Andy who's married to a fiesty Italian lady who he first noticed when she started yelling at him from across the street while he was sitting in a barber chair. Seems she thought he had not been good to a girlfriend of hers, they tell it better. Two greater people it would be hard to find.

If you love Italians, this one's a great joke. Though, this joke has a somewhat universal appeal to those who know those who really cook.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies
wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he
slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he
crawled downstairs. With a deep breath, he leaned against
the door frame, gazing into the kitchen where, if not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven.

For there, spread out up waxed paper on the kitchen table,
were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled
cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards
the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His
parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was
already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie
at the edge of the table,when it was suddenly smacked with
a spatula by his wife.

Get outta here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"


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Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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