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Thursday, June 23, 2005

Introducing - Dear Dr. Pete

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The Peter Files Introduces Our New Column:
Dear Dr. Pete


After several months of searching for a low-cost high quality advice columnist for The Peter Files, the crockpot staff (they were hungry) of The Peter Files gave up and have at long last identified and settled for an advice columnist that will be sure to entertain you with his excellent and soul searching advice, his clever barbs, and his complete lack of medical training. We welcome Dr. Pete the internationally rebutted psychobabbelist from the bowels of the Frankenbabble Institute, in Liebkioven Germany. What Dr. Pete lacks in substance, we are sure you will agree, he more than makes up for in volume! Velcome, er, Welcome Dr. Pete!



Dear Dr. Pete,

If this is your first column, how can you have letters already? Did you make them up?

Skeptical


Dear Skeptical,

Vat a cynic you are! Did you zink zat und international celebrity zuch as myzelf sprang out ov novhere overnight? Just zee letters from my relatives alone! Zo I vould never zink zo low as to include vone of zem unless I vas truly desperate vor some gut content. I zink zat zis skepticizm means zat you hav ze issues vit your mother about zee zeparation angst as und child vich you need to reszolve by tellingink her vat a nogoodnick you are. If she iz not around your wife or girlvriend vil do.

Dr. Pete



Dear Dr. Pete,

I find my self repeatedly saying the words "Beachball" and "Bingo" together when I have no idea what to say during lulls in telephone conversations, can you beachball tell me what to do? This problem is driving my wife bingo nuts!

The Alliterator


Vell,

Mr. Allitrator, I zee zat you are havink zee clazzick zigns of vanting to get out of ze office und play hookie, vich is a very gud idea vor a perzon zuch az yourzelf who iz clearly zo riddled vit anxziety zat he iz dezperate enough to write un imaginary doctor zuch az myzelf ven clearly zis iz madness.

Unvortunately, zee Bingo part ov your habit betrayz a dezire to go back into ze pazt and be in und old Frankie Avalon und Annette Funnicello beach movie, ziss is a zign of a need for zever regression and perhaps a dezire to have your mozzer take care ov you again.

In udder words, you are a zikko. I zuggest zat you zee a real doctor immediately, or get a blanket and a copy of "Beach Blanket Bingo" und take zome time off.

Zincerely,

Dr. Pete


(Editor's note: These two letters are a bad sign. Did we make a mistake? Dr. Pete may be nuts. But he is very cheap. Hmmn. Well, whatever you do out there, please, please do not take his advice. Not that "Mr. Alliterator" appears to be all that stable either. On to the next letter.)


Dear Dr. Pete,

Are panic attacks normal? I seem to have trouble answering the phone whenever I can see that my mother is calling on my call waiting. When her number flashes I immediately find that my heart rate rises, I find it hard to breathe, walking to the phone is like walking through a column of thick water, and all I want to do is run outside as quickly as possible. By the time I reach the phone I am quaking with anxiety, trembling and fear. Yet if I don't answer the phone I am wracked with the most terrible guilt, I feel dizzy, and find trouble breathing and often cannot make it out of the house to get some fresh air. Is this normal? Or am I a looney?

Panic Man


Dear Panic Man,

I um very glad to put your mind at eaze. Vat you are veeling eeze pervactly normal and is velt by millions ov people every day. Ve are in vact blezzed today vit call vating technology zat allowzs uz to skip zeese calls zat vould oderwize caouze uz no end of zenzless grief.

Zee guilt you veel is zee hangover of both zee Judeo and zee Christian roots ov our Zivilization and can be freely abandonded if zay are not too deeply ingrained in your noodle. Unfortunatly, myzelf included, guilt iz often zee unavoidable conzequenze of having ze moder. Ah pooh! Vat can you do?

Ven I skip ze callz, depending on how guilty I veel, I zend a nice jar of pickles or a box of chocolates. Perhaps zat will work vor you. Zer iz no known cure vor zis zituation I am zorry to zay. At least zank God it is not your Girlfreund!

Vat a nightmare zat would be! HO HO HO HO HO! Zat iz Funny!

Dr. Pete

P.S. Ov course you are a Looney, but zen zo is most of Congrezz zo you do not have to worry zat zomeone vill notice, zee time to worry iz when you ztart to have ze zymtoms ov being vell all zee time, zat is vhen zey lock you up!



Dear Dr. Pete,

I made a tinkle!

Jeffery


Dear Jeffery,

Tell my Cousin April zat zese pathetic attempts to get you into my column vill no longer work, er, Verk.

Your Cousin,

Dr. Pete

P.S. Jeffery, I am proud of you. Enclosed is a dollar, next time you moder makes you write me, do a tinkle in her underwear drawer and I vill zend you anoder dollar.



Dear Cousin Dr. Pete,

Is it O.K. if it was a number two? Mom was really mad!

Your Sore Little Cousin Jeffrey


Dear Sore Little Cousin Jeffery,

Zorry for your pain. Your zeal to please me resulted in more punishment than even I expected. Zee DCFS will zoon explain this with your moder.

In the mean time I have not had ziss gud a laugh in zo long I cannot remember. Zank you. Here is twenty dollars for zee extra dooty pain.


Cousin Dr. Pete



Deer Dr. Pete,

All I can think of is Deer.

Deer, reindeer, stuffed deer, venison, deer heads, plastic deer, inflatable deer, deerly beloved, and now, Deer Dr. Pete.

Is this Normal?

Near Deer

Dear Near Deer,

No dees obzezzion vis zee deer you half eez not normal. I hav conzulted vit my deer eggspurt Ralph Neighdeer und he sayz dat you is crazier zan un hooter owl. Zince he is environmentally conziouz I zink he zould know a kook when he zeez one. He zertainly knows zee Hooterz girlz.

I zink zat at minimum you zhould tak a brake frum all zeez deer bizness and try zumzing elze. Perhops a leeltle hossenpheffer or zome rabbit stew? Zat haz zome of zee wild taste of zee venizon vitout zee high ztorrage cost.

In zee mean time, don't deerspare. Try to haf zome neer beer und dat should make it a bitter better, ya?

Dr. Pete



And that's about all the column space we had today for our new feature Dear Dr. Pete.
(What a nightmare - I can see the letters pouring in now)

Please write in and tell us what you think of our new columnist. We have had a staff meeting and due to the content of today's column this may be his last. Please advise us on whether to keep our staff advice columnist or leave your own questions for Dear Dr. Pete
(Why did I have to say that? The publisher made me, that's why!)


The small print regarding our new column, Dear Dr. Pete.

1) Dr. Pete is not a Doctor nor has he played one on the stage.

2) Dr. Pete is only a Doctor in the same way that The Bundy Family on
Married with Children might be considered an actual, normal, real American Family.

3) That is to say, Dr. Pete
is not in any way a real bona-fide Medical Doctor, has no Medical Degree from any University of any kind, nor is licensed to practice Medicine in any state. In fact, Dr. Pete is not so much a Doctor as he is a flunked out blog repair technican candidate who attempted to "Doctor" his grades so as to graduate.

4) This means that the opinions of Dr. Pete carry the same medical weight as a comic strip character and a mentally challenged one at that.

5) Anyone who considers following the advice of Dr. Pete is hereby notified that they are following the advice of a block of cheese in the back of our staff refrigerator that has gotten a bit mouldy and therefore cannot be sued.

6) For security reasons, number six is locked up in a Swiss Vault under the highest possible security, suffice it to say, if you could read number six, it would say, don't believe a doggone thing Dr. Pete says.

7) Following the advice of the alleged Dr. Pete carries the same risk as a surfing on lava or flying a kite during the worst thunderstorm of the year - don't do it.


Now that the mumbo jumbo that our summer intern Pixie slipped past the proofreaders has been dealt with, here are our first letters to Dr. Pete.

Zimilarities in name between columnists of the Peter files, such as Dr. Pete, and Peter of the Peter Files, are of course, entirely coincidental. No laundry was soiled during the creation of this post. Resemblences between the name Jeffery and large Trademark animals are ridiculous, punnatious, and
specious and I will have none of that kind of talk. Especially since it makes some of the images in the above piece really very nasty and this site is supposed to be safe for work and home.

The possibility that Dr. Pete is from the Animal Kingdon himself and is the result of endless typing by an infinate number of simians, is of course, very unlikely. Bribing small or even medium age children to do naughty things to other adults is very wrong and we have spoken very harshly to Dr. Pete and he promises never to do it again unless it serves a legitmate theraputic purpose, which he insists it did in this case, but then hemmed and hawed when pressed about what it might be.

No emus, blah, blah, see the footnote.


That's it for this file,

Peter

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Cleo Bourbeau said...

OMG! Thank you for this.

12/06/2005 1:37 PM  
Blogger The Peter Files Blog of Comedy said...

Dr. Pete Repliez,

Dear Claire,

Zank you vor your kind comment. I am much encouredched by your zupport.

Pleasze feel free to mail zis column to all your friendz even if your return address zeems to be a web page on vich I cannot zank you properly.

Dr. Pete

6/20/2007 5:44 AM  

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