Just about everyone has heard about Sarah Palin's revisionist telling of Paul Revere's famous ride where she managed to get a few of the easiest and most memorable details of American Revolutionary History wrong and then tried to weasel her way out of it rather than just admit her mistake and move on.
So Paul wasn't riding to warn the British that the Americans knew they were coming, riding his horse, ringing his bell and shooting his gun as Palin claimed. Politicians say all kinds of crazy things. Where's the harm here?
Well, the first problem is that it makes her look ridiculous as everyone knows that Paul was out advertising his Silver shop's midnight madness sale when a light from the old church tower fell onto his hat and created the idea for the world's first fire sale!
The British are coming! The British are coming! Here your Revereware before it's gone, gone, gone! He shouted! Following the old trade route from Lexington to Concord Paul managed to scare up quite a crowd too who happened to be on hand for his free musketball promotion.
One free musketball if by land, two free musketballs if by sea, was enough to get quite a few men out for the Colonies' first blue light sale! Patriot and Hero of Capitalism, no wonder Revere is so Revered by Republicans!
What's that you say? That's closer but it's not how it happened? I'm sorry. Come to think of it I might have filled in a few details on my own. Better check a history book or wiki... Oh, never mind. Good thing I'm not running for president.
Well, at least I admitted my mistake right away just like Sarah Palin did.
What's that? She didn't? She tried to fool all of the people on one of the most basic and well known stories of American History?
How cute? Isn't that precious? She's decided the key to victory is to appear to be as smart as media darlings Paris and Lindsey. All she has to do now is leak her sex tape. What? Say it isn't so.
Whew. It isn't so. Joe Weiner, a Democrat came close enough to that.
So what bothers me about the story is not that she got such basic facts wrong. Facts my 8 year old knew better. What bothers me is she lied about it and tried to get away with it.
We generally hold Presidents to a higher standard. We at least expect them to know which fights are worth fighting and when it is better to admit a mistake and try to move on. This was clearly the only smart way to handle Revere gate yet neither Palin or any of her advisors were smart enough to figure that out in time to avoid severe damage to the credibility of her candidacy. The credibility loss came not so much from making the mistake, but from having no one who was willing to admit the mistake.
I know the version of history listed here is not correct. It's meant to entertain not inform. But our President should never be our Jester, we have VP's for that.
I try to admit my errors and Presidents should too, at least to the degree the job allows. Sure, we all acknowledge that sometimes, for good reasons, Presidents lie. What most of us don't want are Presidents who are so I'll educated that they feel that they have to lie habitually just to keep up. That kind of person just doesn't merit the job and the job should go to someone better qualified.
I'm capable of factual and historical mistakes. That's a given when you write comedy. But I am not a candidate for President and in times like these when candidates want the workers to tighten their belts and improve their performance they better be prepared to do the same darn thing themselves.
If candidates expouse better performance from teachers, then their own spelling, history and math should darn well be up to snuff. Or they'll get a math lesson in 2012 at the polls.
Nb: Errors made in this post are mine. Sorry. I'll try to do better next time.
The Iowa State House has declared February 26th Bacon day! Why not? I. These troubled times, I say, if you've got it flaunt it and apparently Iowa sells more Pork than any other State in the U.S.A..
Now I know I could make a lot of jokes about Iowa's pork bellies, or Iowa being the source of all the pork that flows out of D.C., but that wouldn't be fair. Producing food is a good thing and a hard thing and so I say Bravo. Besides, I've always sorta liked Iowa ever since being in that play, you know, that one musical of Americana that celebrates all that is good about small town America and is set in River City Ioway. That's right, Meredith Wilson's The Music Man.
In the spirit of the play I've written a little musical number that could be used to promote Iowa Bacon Day or Iowa's love of Pork. Here it is:
Oh, there's nothing half-way about the Iowa way to feed you if we feed you which we may not do at all!
There's an Iowa kind, a bacon, pork shoulder attitude we've never been without that we recall.
We can be cold to someone hawking all-beef products at a ball game, but then warm to his pork hot dogs even fried.
But what the heck, try spare ribs, try pork loin or pork sausage, even though you're vegan it can't hurt to add some fried, you really ought to give Iowa, home of pork Iowa: pigs feet, spare ribs, browned ham steak, Italian sausage, baby back ribs, pork sausage, bacon, pig tails! You ought to give Iowa pork a try!
So, what do you think? Another American classic? Maybe I can send my kid to college on the residuals? I know, I'll have to split it with Meredith Wilson's estate for the music, but still, a few pennies? I need a grass roots campaign so call your Iowa legislator today! :-)
I could go on and on how wonderful this important and nail-biting book is, winner of a true crime award. I could tell you how important a historical work it is documenting Ms. Lazar's personal tragedy, and the tragedy of the impact of the crime on the surrounding business community where my Grandfather owned a Real Estate Office At the time of the murder.
I could tell you about what happened after I wrote the Original Post, meeting her with my father and brother, talking to her about shopping at their store and their customer Mandy Patinkin who I had always thought was familiar since being a fan of Sunday in The Park With George.
I could tell you about the book's incredible value as a primary source for those studying merchandising, the history of the City of Chicago,the history of Chicago's neighborhoods, or anything to do with the movement of people and race in the 1930's through the 1960's.
But instead I'll just be brief and tell young buy one of the most surprising true dramatic stories by an Author you never heard of you are likely to find. A tale told in a clear, taut well researched way without hyperbole or hysterics.
Amster manages to tell the story of this tragedy without making it into something it
was not, while seeing the damage caused by a cascading series of circumstances for what it was. A tragedy in an era of tragedies that helped shaped the hard times that followed.
I will also say that what I told her the day we met. We moved to a new neighborhood the previous August. Had we not, because of the proximity of the date of the murder with the birthday of one of the kids in my family, we all could have been in the store when that gunman walked in. I know what my brother 9 and I 10 would have done. We'd been playing Batman and Robin for years. We would have rushed him without thinking twice just like we rushed the bad guy cowboys every summer at the amusement park in Eagle River getting us and who knows who else killed in the process.
But we moved and so didn't get the birthday card for a free toy at Wee Toys for that birthday. So, I guess I do find this story pretty personally interesting. Nut you won't need
that to enjoy this book. Besides, I can't help thinking it's natural forth big screen.
Oh, Amazon.com carries it. You can click the link in the book title above or enter the title in the Amazon search box on your right.
When I went out for dinner for my birthday, a few things happened that I didn't expect. This is one of them.
In keeping with our plan to show more locally produced videos!
Please go back to You Tube and comment if you like it! Comments here welcome provided you understand the impromptu nature of both the performance and vide
Just in case you wondered whether we've fallen off a cliff or something: Just about.
It wasn't quite that exciting, but if the words torn rotator cuff fill you with horror at the image of physical pain involved - you're in the right ballpark.
We, that is I, haven't been able to type for awhile. Makes doing a comedy blog hard. Still in the oochie, owie, yowie, oh mama stage too.
But I've stopped thumb sucking long enough to tell you that we should have some kind of content again soon.
Well today. Right now.
Q; How many people with torn rotator cuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb. A: Ow! Ow! Up? Nooooo!
Q: What's a torn rotator cuff? A: That tendon in the shoulder that helps your arm move everywhere? That's the sucker. And when it gets torn, every time your arm tries to move anywhere... Owww. Owww. Owww. Owww.
Q: How long will it hurt? A: Until the end of time. *Sob* Bleat. Moan.
Q: Not really? A: No it just feels like forever. Now get out of my way I need stiff drink. Q: You can't have anything stiff to drink unless you want to wind up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson.
Q: What do Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They probably had torn shoulder rotator cuffs. Q: Not really? A: No it just felt like they were being skewered on a hot poker for months at a time. What do I know, I stopped making sense months ago. Owwww!
Q: Don't they have medicine for that? A: You believe in the tooth fairy don't you? Q: There is medicine for everything else isn't there? A: Most doctors think a lot of pain is good for you, keeps you conscious enough to pay their bills.
Q: What does having a torn rotator cuff make you feel like? A: Like trying out a nice simple home amputation.
Q: Do you feel better after the operation? A: Everyone feels better after a good amputation.
Q: No I mean the rotator cuff surgery. A: No, you feel worse for a really long time, then you start to get a little better, like a snail on sleeping pills is faster. Till eventually, you feel as bad as when you went in for the surgery in the first place.
Q: Then finally you start to feel better! A: I'll let you know a year from now.
Q: When you are done will you be able to pitch for the Chicago White Sox? A: Can't fool me! Everyone knows that the only team that hires pitchers with actively torn rotator cuff is the Chicago Cubs.
Q: Is it a messy operation? A: No, my doctor looked very clean afterwards I am told. I was also told that my surgery went well despite their finding a tear the size of the Grand Canyon. Truly, the operation itself was the best part. They just woke me up too soon, six months too soon.
Q; How is the physical therapy going? A: Ever seen a late night horror film?
Q: Surely you are exaggerating. A: OWW! OWW! Three Four. OWW OWW Seven Eight. My physical therapist is a nice guy who says its going well, I just have to be very patient. In fact, I'm going to be patient, a patient for months and months.
Q: If you knew it was going to be this bad, why did you have the operation? A: They ALL LIED TO ME and said it wouldn't be too bad. Liars! Liars! Pants on fire all over the region. What could I do, they told me it would be no fun but the alternative was chewing my arm off. I don't think I taste that good.
Q: Any other benefits to the surgery? A: A nice long juicy SCAR instead of the little holes they said would be there for arthroscopic surgery. I think I'm going to tell people I was in knife fight saving a teenage girl from a street gang when I got it. At least it is a nice straight scar. Good Doctor. Sit. Heel.
Q: Would you have the surgery again? A: Yes. No way around it.
Q: Was all that whining even close to the truth? A: Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
Well I feel much better. If you are contemplating rotator cuff surgery you should know how much better you will feel when it is all fixed and you are back to normal. Really, they tell me this. Repeatedly, so it must be true. Sigh.
Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.
These "Idiot Sightings" were forwarded from my friend Holly. She has been careful. She's in a job where she probably sees a lot of idiots, but to save it, I can't tell you what it is, nor which side of the counter the idiots lie...
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired.. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower..' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS ..
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare..
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less..
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side..'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.
One last one:
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
If you liked these and have humor of your own to share, just send it to thepeterfiles blog at gmail.com and if its funny, I will post it and give it whatever credit you like.
I got an audition notice for the Opening Night Art Group summer camp program that is auditioning Annie Jr. this Monday and Tuesday, January 8th and 9th for those between 4th and 8th grade. Sorry for the late notice, but I just saw it myself.
There is a fee for taking part in this program, and if you are cast you will be assigned to one of two casts, as described below. I assume the fees go to costumes, make-up, sets, and training fees for the instructors.
This may be the equivalent of a paid day camp but with a play production at the end. While payment is due on January 1st, they seem to have a refund policy. You may want to ask others at the auditions about their experiences at the group.
As a former Daddy Warbucks, I can say that Annie is a GREAT show. Don't think that the only good parts are for girls too.
But I don't think I know this group so I can't endorse them. I can only pass along their information. Don't hold that against them though, just check them out when you get there. I don't think they could ask for money if they were not doing something good. The show is also a fundraiser for St. Jude's you could give them a call and see how much they got last year.
Their website looks pretty professional though - check it out. The links below to other parts of their website worked when I tested them.
Auditions for Opening Night Youth Productions' Presentation of
Under the direction of Ms. Dee Hamilton
Opening Night Arts Group will be holding auditions for our Opening Night Youth Productions' presentation of Annie Jr. on December 8 and 9, 2008. These auditions are for a spot in the theatre program which will present Annie, Jr. during summer 2009. These auditions are not for specific roles at this time but are for a spot in the program. Specific roles will be cast next summer during the first few days of the program. This program is primarily intended for children with some prior acting, singing, and/or dancing experience. If you love to perform come on out and audtion - we want to see you!
Proceeds from these performances of Annie, Jr. will benefit St. Jude's Children's Hospital.
Auditions will take place as follows:
You must register for an audition date. We have a limit of 60 children per audition day. Auditions are for children who are entering the 5th grade through entering 9th grade in the summer of 2009.
Auditions are on the following days:
Monday, December 8, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m.
Trinity Christian College Ozinga Chapel Building Choir Room and Recital Hall
When you register you will pick your preferred date for the audition. We will make every effort to accomodate your choice, however since there are only 60 slots per day you may need to audition on the other day. You will be notified via email of your audition date. Please be sure to provide a valid email address that you check regularly. You may register for an audition time here.
Please be prepared to perform as follows:
DANCE AUDITION:
Come prepared in comfortable clothes. You will learn a routine at the audition.
SINGING AUDITION:
Girls: Come prepared to sing “Tomorrow”.
Please click this link for music: http://www.broadwayjr.com/audition/auditionlist.asp?ID=1Choose “Score” under “Annie” and scroll down. Accompaniment will be provided at the audition. Boys: Come prepared to sing “Easy Street”
ACTING AUDITION: Come prepared with an age appropriate 1 minute monologue. The selection may or may not be memorized, actor’s choice. Monologues may be checked out at the library or found online.
AUDITION RESULTS:
Once auditions are complete, the director and producer will choose the program participants. You will be notified via email as to whether or not you have been accepted into the program. Please note that the director and staff will make the decisions they feel will be best for the production and their decisions are final.
We are looking forward to seeing the many talented children we have in our area. The Opening Night Youth Production's Summer Theatre Program promises to be an exciting and rewarding experience for all involved.
PROGRAM FEES:
There is no cost to audition. Once a child has been notified that they will be in the Opening Night Youth Production's program, fees will be as follows:
$300 for Opening Night Arts Group Members $325 for Non-members
Fee payment will be due in full by January 1, 2009. Payment plans are available.
The refund policy for this program is as follows: Registration cancelled by March 31, 2009 - Receive a full refund of registration fees Registration cancelled by June 29, 2009 - Receive a 50 percent refund of registration fees After June 29, 2009 - No refund will be given
June 29-July 23, 2009 Mondays-Thursdays 9 a.m.-noon Trinity Christian College Ozinga Chapel building Choir room and Recital Hall
Monday, July 27 - Monday, August 3, 2009 Weekdays 9 a.m.-noon (including Friday) Trinity Christian College Communications Building Marg Kallemeyn Theatre
PERFORMANCES: Trinity Christian College Communications Building Marg Kallemeyn Theatre
WHITE CAST:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 7:30 p.m. Thursday, August 6, 2009 7:30 p.m. Saturday, August 8, 2009 7:30 p.m. RED CAST: Wednesday, August 5, 2009 7:30 p.m. Friday, August 7, 2009 7:30 p.m. Saturday, August 8, 2009 3:00 p.m.
More information will be provided during auditions and in future emails. If you need assistance now, you may contact us here.
So that's the story. Since there are quite a few parts for boys, especially 7th and 8th grade boys, so don't feel that boys would not have a chance here. In fact, I think you would be at an advantage percentage wise in getting a good part. Since many of the "Adult" roles in Annie are men's roles. FDR, etc. However, this is Annie, Jr. and I don't know how it is different.
A Night of Variety I just noticed that the group is going to do "A Night of Variety" on January 23rd and 24th
Join us for a night of singing, dancing, and comedy as members of the Opening Night Performance Group and Take A Bow Performers entertain you!
Andy Avalos of WMAQ-TV Channel 5 is the Master of Ceremonies
This performance will assist Opening Night Arts Group in continuing our mission to provide contributions to charities throughout the year.
Two Nights Only!
January 23rd and 24th at 8 p.m.
Marg Kallemeyn Theater Trinity Christian College 6601 W. College Drive Palos Heights, Illinois
Tickets $17 for members / $20 for non-members Tickets purchased online will be available at will call at the theatre on the evening of the performance.
Split-the-Pot Raffle! Entertainment galore! Refreshments!
This is a family friendly show so bring the kids along for a great night of entertainment.
We are asking that everyone who attends bring at least one item to be donated to Operation Support Our Troops. These items will be delivered in care packages to the men and women on active duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is a great way to show your support to the troops and provide them with much needed and appreciated supplies. The organization has requested the following supplies:
Sometimes I write commentary and this is the time for commentary. I have been taking a little break, except for a brief review, and a joke or two, but now that the election is so close, I think it's time for me to say something definitive.
I've mostly just made fun of Bush. As comic, that's been fun. As the worst President in US history he's given me a lot of material. I hope not to have so much material with the next US president.
I am so upset, myself about the situation in this country, it's made it hard to write comedy lately, especially, given how hard things have been for Americans. Making fun of bear markets, foreclosures, students who can't pay for school have left a bad taste in my mouth.
The increasing rancor in this election has been even worse. I think if nothing else, that would have pushed me over the edge. Not since Nixon have we seen the kind of dirty tricks politics that I have been seeing in this election. Calling Obama a terrorist, allowing calls for his death. What decade is this, 1960? These kinds of things are unforgivable. I lived through the riots of the 1960's. The national guard was posted in a park one block away from my apartment when I was eight. I don't want to see a generation of the kids who are in high school right now, girls and boys now, drafted and sent to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Korea and Russia to die under McCain and that is the future I see.
I also see enormous hypocrisy on some of his key issues, the pro-life agenda for one. With all the years of Republican administrations there have been no effective pro-life programs funded that would really make a difference in creating wide-scale options to reduce the number of abortions because they were anti-Republican in nature. If they really cared about the issue the way they say they do, there could have been programs beyond abstinence. Programs for funding education for single mothers of children without husbands, programs for paying for hospital and day-care costs, programs for helping to expand adoptions services. Making abortion illegal was not the only way to go. Did they try to do anything like that. No. Not through Reagan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr. and we can darn well expect nothing of the like to happen with McCain either. Anyone who expects anything different is fooling themselves.
Why? Because the Republican Party is all about taking away options and not giving anything back. That's how I feel about it. Taking away scholarship options, taking away funding of transit, taking away anything that helps individuals.
I don't know what is going to happen in this election. I don't know what Obama is going to do. But I think he is our best chance for a recovering economy. Our best chance for peace. Our best chance for education and a hundred other issues. And yes, if you are a pro-life person who wants alternatives to abortion, I think he is your best chance to get them funded too. In fact, I think its now, or NEVER.
So, listen to what Retired General Colin Powell has to say. I was very impressed. He summarizes a lot of what I felt. I was very surprised that he bought into the Weapons of Mass Destruction debacle. I was pleased to hear him admit his mistake later. He's one of the few Republicans I would vote for, for President, because of his integrity and his clear sense of personal honor. I hope he gets Sec Def back.
And don't be offended by my political opinions. I respect yours. You have a right to them. Just don't expect me to approve any comments with hate in them. And to the military. I support you. I just wish you were home with your families. Tomorrow.
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part II Troubled by the "Muslim" issue when Obama is a Christian. The commitment and death of Muslim-American Soldiers in Iraq. His Endorsement for President, who he will vote for in the election. The William Ayers issue. Connecting Obama to Ayers is a "terrible stretch its demagogory".
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part III "It is not easy for me to disappoint Senator McCain in the way that I have this morning...I think we need a transformational figure, a transformational Change, and that's why I am supporting Senator Barrack Obama."
At 1:43 pm Local Time an earthquake was reported by Emily Zielke head of the Proyecto Huertos Escolares/ School Garden Project: Lago Atitlan, Guatemala in San Pedro La Laguna, Guatemala, with a serious aftershock at 1:45 pm local time.
Zielke, a recent graduate of a double MA program at American University (Natural Resource Management/ Sustainability and International Development), reported that many residents were running around in consternation but had seen no damage so far.
The Proyecto Huertos Escolares/ School Garden Project: Lago Atitlan, Guatemala has been designed to assist local schools meet the unfunded demands of feeding children in local schools as well to improve the quality of the food grown.
Dems Change Middle Name to Hussein because it rhymes with brain.
Peter Files Blog of Comedy Political Souses report a trend of Democrats nationwide changing their middle names to Hussein in support of Barrack Obama, Democratic Presidential Nominee for President.
A new Facebook Group was formed today "People Who Call Themselves "Hussein" in Support of Obama"when it's originator, who declined to be quoted noted "The number of those with facebook listings with "Hussein" as their middle name was "Over 500" and many or most of these were ordinary American names. I'm just organizing a trend that already exists.
The groups purpose:
Are you tired of the growing hate in this election?
John McCain's and Sarah Palin's Personal attacks on Senator Barrack Obama have gone beyond the point where they can be considered within the bounds of political fair play.
Now most people with common sense know that these "Ad Hominem" attacks by McCain-Palin are a desperate attempt to replace the lack of a real program that is helpful to any but the uber-rich.
It's time to put an end to the personal attacks on Obama that go beyond the boundaries of record or common sense but play on old fashioned "race politics" that should offend us all.
Go ahead. Take a stand. Put part of Senator Obama's name in your name, yes, that part that McCain and Palin want to "scare people with"!
Ooh, "Hussein" isn't that unfamiliar foreing sounding name sooo scary, you dumb hick Joe Six packs"!
By speaking out, whether in your Facebook name, your status messages, in an email message, a button, a sign in your window, by making Hussein part of your name today you can help deprive the McCain-Palin camp of one of its weapons of fear. The kind of weapon Adolph used. Now there's a name people hate.
The terrorist who once owned "Hussein", gave it its meaning and its fear value is dead. We should now take it back and give it back to the many people of worth who were born with it and deserve the common dignity of personhood.
Why should the actions of one now dead, cruel and vicious dictator reflect on any of them anyway? Why do we act like sheep about something like this. We have gone beyond this, or should have.
It's this sheep like, herd-like mentality that fear-mongers like the McCain-Palin ticket are depending on to deprive us of our chance at meaningful change at this election.
If you pledge to "change your name", be it for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or forever, you support a change from the totolitarian fear-based politics that can ruin a nation.
You don't have to be pro-Obama to do this.
Of course, you will find many friends here if you do.
However, if you do this experiment, you may find out who among your friends has a sense of humor and who does not. And in doing so you might find yourself a supporter of Senator Barack Hussein Obama, after all.
And remember this, it is just a chance of fate that you were not born with the name Hussein in your name.
Senator Obama has nothing to do with this group.
Turns out, this is a real Facebook group. Well, will you join the effort too?
For those of you who have been coming back of the month of August hoping to see some kind of change for the last month and finding none, my apologies. I hope you took a chance and visited out archives and found some of the treasures buried in the 600 or so posts there.
Since this is mostly a comedy blog I won't go into the details, but I could skip living through this last few months again. Deaths in the family, personal crises, illness, pain, all this kinds of things, you are not coming here for. But, things are looking up and so, I think you should be able to see a return to regular postings here.
Regular? Two to three times a week, usually in spurts.
I discovered that the RSS feed isn't working right, I have to figure out how to fix that. If yours IS working right, leave a comment and let me know. I did manage to get the comment interface working better and some other features cleaned up.
If you have a child, hug them, watch them closely if they are near the water. A young relative drowned this summer. I have a young child. The stuff of nightmares. It's been almost a month now and he effect of the support of our community on the parents has been profound as all those who feel "there but for the grace of God go I" in this situation have extended their hearts and love to them.
I know that those in our house have, and if you pray, I invite you to do so for them and any of those who have lost dear ones of any age for any reason this summer.
I also lost another friend, who was my one of my best friend's uncles. A finer kinder person you would be hard pressed to find no matter how bright a light you had to shine on the world to fine one. Wise, funny, and neat to the point of a methodological that might have driven even Felix Unger mad were it not for the kindness and gentleness in which he practiced it (he did not expect others to be able to practice what he preached, he merely enabled them gently, when they visited him).
George was an enabler of the highest and best sort. An educator, a scientist, a friend, and 'weather' he enabled the world to understand his field of science to advance in unique and powerful ways, or his colleagues and students to grow and flourish as a result of knowing him, or the world to retain works of beautiful music that might otherwise have been lost, George enabled so many to a better life in many ways.
I got to know him first when my friend, his nephew became quite seriously ill, the kind of thing that only a small percentage survived, even in the early 1980's. That my friend survived was due to his courage in being willing to participate in experimental treatment, some luck in being in the right experimental group, some gumption on his own, and the knowledge of the deep and constant support of his 'Unc' who was there for him in ways that no one else could be, not even myself - poor as a church mouse as I was at the time I could not afford to fly to Seattle to be with my friend through the bone marrow transplant and other procedures, I was only able to talk to him by phone and letter. Not good enough. But Unc was a conduit of information to me.
I was terrified that I was going to lose my best friend at the time, in fact, I was in a play called Da, by Hugh Leonard, in which the main character is diagnosed with cancer and has to deal with the approach of his death at that very time. Since it was one of the few paying gigs I had gotten I couldn't help accepting, and it was worth it too, one of the best performances I ever gave. I played the older Kearns who learns some things about himself that he wished he had not by the end of the show and goes through a complex and complete emotional breakdown on stage. A subtle bit of work that shouldn't be forced; in the end, my fears about my friend came out every night on stage.
The audiences thought I was inspired. I knew the truth. I was petrified that my best friend would die in the middle of the production and that I would be unable to continue and would never work professionally again. Through all of that time, the wires between "Unc's" house and mine, and his hotel in Seattle and mine, ran hot and heavy. He gave me updates, I gave him humor pointers for cheering up my friend. It was a conspiracy of kindness to make sure he had the kind of support he needed to survive other storms brewing around him via the females of the species.
Over the years after that, Unc became Grunc as my friend's uncle became a grand Uncle. And I got to know him and his fastidious ways better. Having dinner with him was a real treat. First of all, he was a wonderful cook. Tasty and low fat. But then, watching him clean his kitchen was like watching a man in love with it. He looked very much like Jeff Smith, once known as PBS's the Frugal Gourmet, and took great care to clean his kitchen counters fastidiously. Just....so.
Every crumb came up off the tables and counters. Every particle of dust off the floor into the dust pan. Every unwanted spec into the garbage can under the sink, and every night, without fail, Grunc would take that paper garbage bag out of its container, raise it to the counter top, fold the edges so that the creases were razor sharp and meticulously fold the top down so that there was no possibility that any part of the contents could seep out. On some occasions, if seepage might become a problem, he might add a plastic bag outside the paper bag and put another paper bag around those two, just so that they appeared neat and strong.
Then, once folded neatly and correctly, Grunc would walk the package down the hall, open the door to the utility closet leading to the garbage chute, and his package would ever so neatly descend to the bottom. If, on rare occasions, Grunc had reason to believe that his 'parcel' did not reach the bottom without 'incident' he would then feel compelled to check, by taking the elevator down to the basement and investigating the matter. More than once he found an incredible mess because the garbage contractor had failed to show up to remove the waiting container that collected the garbage that waited at the bottom of the chute.
Grunc would then call the building super who more often than not was grateful to Grunc since no one else would tell him and he would be stuck cleaning up the mess. Grunc lived in a very old, prestigious building near the Museum of Science and Industry, but it was large enough generate a lot of trash.
Some times Grunc's fastidiousness could be hard on those he loved and he knew it, but he just could not help himself. He just wanted to make things easier for people.
One time my friends sister was visiting town and had a 19 year old nanny that wanted to see some of Chicago. They knew that I had been a tour guide and I got volunteered to her around town based largely on Grunc's, not my friend's character recommendation.
Since we would be returning possibly late, (Very late, O.o) Grunc felt that we needed instruction in how to open the door quietly, and to my chagrin and the whole group's stunned amusement proceeded to give a demonstration on how to put a key into a lock and turn it. LOL
I always suspected that he was planting a subconscious idea in both our heads, but it didn't take, at least on her part (rats). But the image of Grunc, in the hallway, bent over the lock, turning sideways with his funny crooked smile, looking half up as he demonstrated the best way to put the key in the lock and turn it just - so(!) to get it to open quietly, will ever remain in my heart as the quintessential Grunc moment.
I think you will have gathered by now that I came to love this old man who let me into his life as a friend as he did not so many others. Of course it was largely due to the fact that I cared deeply for his nephew, but we were both scientists, my lab was less formal, but we talked about my work a few times and he was greatly surprised when he understood the stringency of my methodology, which for a government operation, might not have been so strict. He read a number of my papers over the years and gave helpful comments, brief, it was not his field, but helpful, mostly in that he recognized in a way that others important to me in my life could not, the meaning of some of my achievements professionally. He truly understood them.
His death came as a surprise as I knew it would. Grunc was a private person. When I knew it was coming near I made sure to send him a note that at lest hinted at my feelings. I wanted to get together with him one last time but I suspected that I had missed my window and when he was hospitalized I was not given an opportunity to visit or call him. As I went through the stages of death I was quite angry about this for at least an hour. But that passed. I know that Grunc did not want me to remember him that way and now I don't.
I compare my healthy memories of Grunc to the memories of a six-year old cousin in her coffin and I know which ones I prefer. Funerals are hard for me. Especially the funerals of children. I guess that's true for everyone. But when you are the parent of a child the same age as the deceased it hits really close to home. More than I wanted to say.
So, back to the comedy in the next post.
Peter, A little saddle-sore - but as the Jesuits say, if it doesn't kill you, it builds character.
1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on when using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in our town has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. If you absolutely MUST know what that odor is, try looking under the radiator covers for last year's easter eggs. Hopefully they will only be one year old. 25. Get you kids in the habit of hiding only plastic easter eggs for their easter egg hunts. The decorated ones make a bad mess. The raw eggs make a bad, disgusting and smelly mess that never goes away if there is the slightest gap in your floorboards. Your only alternative: Move. 26. Now that glass soda bottles seem to be making a return: never, ever, under any circumstances, store unopened glass soda bottles in the car near any of your children's feet. Unless your spouse is a lawyer. 27. A four-year-old child can resort to hiding his favorite toy at the top of a 40-foot tree over a glass strewn alley if pressed. Do not yell at him while he is at the top of the tree. 28. When in *nice* restaurants watch your children like hawks if you see them touch things like salt and pepper shakers, mustard and ketchup bottles. 28. The sound of a 7-year-old girl who has gotten ketchup all over her white easter dress after her brother played with the top does not bear describing. 29. If you hear the sounds "white whale, white whale" coming from your pool or the lake you are staying near, it is already too late, your children's butts have already been exposed to the sun for anyone nearby to see. 30. When changing a child's diaper at a very large public venue, such as a concert at Grant Park in Chicago, it is helpful if your picnic blanket is not at the top of the largest hill in view. That way if your little girl gets away from you sans clothes, the chances that she will run to the top of the hill spinning like Maria Von Trapp for the entire Midwest to admire during the quietest part of Peter and the Wolf, will be substantially reduced. Duct tape helps too. 31. It may take more than one police search of your house to find a child asleep in a clothes basket in a bedroom closet. 32. Even the second time she disappears, and that's the first place everyone looked. 33. Two adults are not enough to capture a child hiding under a baby grand piano. 34. The travel time before it is impractical to drive a child hidden in their friend's car so that the parents are forced to let them stay overnight at their friends is one hour. Fortunately, the time a child can stay quiet in the back-back seat of a station wagon is usually less than 10 minutes. 35. War between kid brothers usually stops just before an actual serious injury involving death occurs. Numerous trips to the hospital for stitches are normal and should be considered usual growing up pains. 36. If during the summer, a sister turns her brother's hair bright orange, he is entitled to put a screen over her while she sunbathes asleep to give her a checkered tan - once. This will remind her not to fall asleep sunbathing which is dangerous anyway. 37. It does not matter how slowly or gently you loft it, a softball thrown with enough umph to reach the 2nd floor back porch, has enough umph, to float ever so gently through the plate glass window of the 2nd floor back porch door. 38. When handing your son a brand new generator saying "don't drop this, it's expensive", its a good idea to be sure he is not watching the neighbor girl walk by in short shorts or it will wind up broken on the ground when he drops it. 39. If you work at summer camp and sleep on a metal cot, avoid running the electric wires for your alarm clock under the sharp round feet of your bed lest "Sparky" become your new camp nickname. (The mattress pads were rubber thank God.) 40. When rolling the world's largest snowball off the flat roof of your school onto the first person who opens the side door, its a good idea to have a spotter so that you don't drop it on the principal. 41. The demonstration of Mike's Civil War Fort would have been perfect. The buildings were perfect reconstructions, he had even mixed his own black powder and poured it through and between the non-flammable buildings to show how one of the forts would have been torched. As the fire went through building to building his one mistake became evidently clear. His non-flammable materials were plastic straws. As billowing clouds of black smoke poured out of the school windows we out out the three foot flames in seconds, but by then 2 companies of fire trucks were on the way. The smoke filling the second floor of our school. We were dismissed for the day. Mike was a hero. Not for nothing did Mike have the reputation of being the smartest boy in school. Seen as an honest mistake, he didn't even get in trouble since the teacher let him start the fire. Brilliant. 42. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 43. 90% of the Women who read this will start checking the tightness of ketchup containers wherever they go.
My thanks to AMR for sending this to me. You can be a contributor too. Just send me an email at thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com or put your joke in a comment and I can include it in a post of its own. Just tell me how you would like to be recognized, or not. In this post I was responsible for number 23 on plus a few more. So I know those really happened. The rest, well they certainly had the ring of truth, now didn't they?
I don't know about your household, but we got our George Bush Vote for The Republicans Stimulus Bribe Check last week. Oops, did I call it a bribe? Certainly not. A bribe would have to have a chance of working and who in their right mind would think that the paltry sums contained in the, as comedian Chevy Chase would have put it, economic stimulus (bribes) checks would be near enough to pay for the vast damage done to our economy my W.
I wouldn't even try to put a price tag on the lives lost fighting (trillions) in Iraq if I had my way, because the lives of those brave service woman and service men who died in the service of their country were priceless. The fact that they were sent there by a lying no good idiot does not demean the bravery and nobility of their service one tiny bit, nor the service of those there now.
Those in the service of our country are stuck with the commander in chief we vote for. Thankfully, both of the current candidates have to be far better than the current monkey in chief. Don't they. Well certainly Obama is. I have some trouble with McCain, but I don't think he is an idiot. No one could be as dumb as our fearless leader.
Perhaps I am being charitable by suggesting that W is in fact dumb. Perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all the way along. Frightening thought isn't it. Suppose where we are today, deeply in debt, gas prices at an all time high, trapped in an expensive and costly war with an ungodly number of dollars, are we up to $ trillions yet, spent on an ill focused war, exactly where W wanted us to be at the end of his administration?
Is this possible? Would it be legal? Would it be a violation of his oath of office to protect and defend the American Constitution? Would it even be, as some have suggested, be treason?
Thank God this is a blog of Satire and not some serious publication or scholarly news program like Fox TV where I might have to come up with facts to support such a supposition. You know that I have got to be kidding.
The President of these United States would never risk prison by doing such naught things. I mean, its not as if his successor would ever pardon him! Ha! That could Never happen! Nixon who? You mean that really happened once? You mean a President who was probably guilty of a few crimes resigned from the White House and then was issued a blanket pardon by his successor? Like wow. What was his name? Nixon?
Never heard of him. Oh, that's that dude that died awhile back. They made a movie about him once didn't they? Didn't Robert Redford play him? Or was it O.J. Simpson, I get confused about those older dudes.
(Satire, satire.)
So, I have a modest proposal, a 25% tax on the gross revenues of all companies doing business in Iraq, plus a 25% tax on all Oil Company gross revenues, with the proceeds to be divided equally between all taxpayers for the next 10 years or until our soldiers come back from Iraq for the former (including mercenaries), and gas prices drop until Oil company profits are under 5%, without exaggerated costs.
What's the justification?
It's in the national interest and in the interest of homeland security.
Oil and gas prices currently drive the cost of all other prices. The desire to make huge profits at our expense with a vital resource has been irresponsibly used at a time when we are at war. So, take control of the industry and give the money back to the taxpayers who have been paying through the nose for it. At least enough so that the industry will self-regulate itself.
Whatever you do this fall, don't base your vote on this stimulus bribe. It'll be gone in gas and grocery bills, long gone by November anyway.
And Don't forget to declare it on your 2008 income tax return. Since no taxes were deducted from it, it'll probably be a pretty big hit next April, long after the election is over.
When I first came back to Chicago's South Side Community Theater scene after a long gap from doing shows in Chicago, my first part was Pablo in the Beverly Theater Guild's 1984 production of A Streetcar Named Desire directed by Brian Leo, who took a chance on me, being an unknown talent to those casting out there at the time, and to a degree, to myself.
The show went very well, and to my surprise, I got lots of laughs in places where I realized that I should have known that there could be, and only one that there shouldn't have been (Stanley and I managed to break the bed during the fight scene in one performance when we tripped going through the unsupported door frame between the kitchen and the bedroom).
Afterwards a tall, thin person came up to me and asked me if I would like to be in a show that was going up in only three weeks at a nearby theater. His name was John Boss, and that show introduced me to many people who helped me meet people who led me to be in a series of 40 some shows that spanned 1984 - 2004.
I saw John last weekend during the intermission of "Moon over Buffalo" (that I reviewed last week) and reminded him that I am happy to promote productions when I am able - he assured me that he had remembered, and sure enough, in this morning's email was a notice that he was appearing as Mary Sunshine in the Holiday Star Theater's production of "Chicago" starting July 19th.
John is a very talented actor and Holiday Star Theater books really fine acts, so I am sure that you will find the show worthwhile, If you go, you may even pass me in the lobby. The details from the theater follow:
Star Productions is pleased to announce this year’s full scale regional presentation of the smash hit musical “CHICAGO,” scheduled for July 19, 20, 25 and 26 at Merrillville’s Star Plaza Theatre. (Directions)
The 20's are roaring with hot jazz and cold-blooded killers. Filled with passion, greed, corruption, murder and non-stop dance, Bob Fosse's “CHICAGO” is one of the sexiest musicals to ever hit Broadway.
Honored with six Tony Awards and one Grammy, this drop dead musical features classic show tunes "All That Jazz," "Razzle Dazzle," and "Roxie.” Star Productions secured the rights to this exclusive area engagement after the successful national tour of “CHICAGO” made a stop at Star Plaza Theatre this past March.
The regional cast stars Tina Dohl-Menconi, re-creating her NIETF award-winning role as villainess Velma Kelly; Charlie Blum also re-creates his role as the fast-talking attorney, Billy Flynn. Jenna Rose Underwood plays Roxie Hart, Mary Jo Williamson returns to the Star Plaza stage in the role of Matron Mama Morton, with J.J. Boylan as Amos Hart with John Boss rounding out the lead cast as Mary Sunshine. Add the accomplished ensemble cast of 17 singers and dancers, and this sexy musical comes to life for four performances.
This is a Peter Files Blog Recommended Show. No money or consideration was received in advance for this promotion.
Are you a theater person with a show to promote? Perhaps a friend of mine who would like to see their show promoted in this way? Be like John, send me the information needed to put a post like this together and time and health allowing I'll be happy to do it. Send me whatever you can: show information, production dates, cast lists, links to pictures, bios, directions and even your ticket office. THE EARLIER TO BETTER. While theater posts do get many dozens of hits, its always a shame when people visit only AFTER your production is OVER.
The more you information you give me, the more I can put up. But, you don't have to know me to send me a listing. Community theater productions are especially well treated. I am also happy to update posts as you get new information like cast information and photos. You can leave me information in a comment, leave your email address in a comment which I screen, so I will copy the address, delete it and email you for more information, or email me at: {thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}
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It's been a heck of a fight, and there have been a lot of things I did not like about it, but tonight's results show me, that even with CNN's projection that Clinton took Indiana, the 147 vote delegate count Obama lead still creates a hurdle that is too high for Clinton to breach between now and the end of the primaries.
America loves a fighter and a scrappy underdog. But if Clinton does not win the nomination and winds up dragging Obama through the dirt to try to get it, she risks being seen as the Ralph Nader of the 2008 political season. Of course, she could win. The Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox could also fight each other out in the World Series this year.
With all due respect, and respect is due, that it is time for Senator Hillary Clinton to end her campaign for President and begin her campaign for the Vice-Presidential nomination.
147 Delegates is too many. Democrats will not stand for a super-delegate win when the regular delegate vote puts Obama ahead. It would cause the same kind of disillusionment that the Party faced after the Gore vote theft defeat.
Her name will still be on the last ballots of course, but pulling out now will make her appear to be an actual uniter instead of a divider and at this time, this is what the Democratic Party needs. So think Ms. Clinton. Sometimes hubris isn't enough.
AND IF WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO FACE UP TO THE TRUTH AND ADMIT IT DURING AN ELECTION WHAT THE HECK SHOULD WE EXPECT YOU TO DO IN OFFICE?
After arguably eight years of the worst White House in human history, the Democratic Party MUST stop the infighting NOW and start working on the Presidential Campaign.
Ms. Clinton is an ideal VP candidate because she reaches the rest of the demographics that Obama does not. Looking at their vote totals from state to state they make an indomitable team. Clinton as VP will encourage Republican Woman crossover that will exceed whatever Male residual Clinton hating is left over.
They are both smart as hell, they both can work together. But the Dems always wait too long giving the Republicans a huge advantage when it comes to getting rolling for the fall.
Why do this?
Obama's lead might be mathematically possible to beat, but NC and enough of Indiana did not fall for the Rev. Wright "issue relevance" late election season scam that started somewhere.
No matter what or how it started, we now know enough about Senator Obama to see past whose Church he went to as an issue. It's not something that should be relevant as an election issue and we all know it.
That kind of thing died with the "Jack Kennedy will take orders from the Pope" lies from Nixon's campaign.
Americans LIKE Barack Obama. He's proven his electability to all but a few North-Shore Illinois Chicago Cubs Fans and they never give up.
We'll see what happens. But trying to "scandal" Obama some more isn't going to work, folks. Not while memories of Whitewater and that blue dress and other things it is not fair to taint Hillary with pop into mind when someone tries to stick something on Senator Obama.
What I really want of course is a great president. They are both capable. But I think the dems have spoken over all and think Obama is either better or a more winning Presidential candidate. At least given that Obama Girl does not look 35 yet.
I hope we get one.
But already I see signs of Republican scandal following the Bush Administration mistakes coming for maybe the next 8 years. So if we don't get some dems in now, once the do get in, they'll be in forever.
Or, maybe I've just been juggling cats too long tonight and am getting goofy. When looking for political commentary consider the source. Then again, maybe this humble comedy blogger is about as good as anyone else out there tonight.
My dad sent my visiting cousin to bed. Five minutes later....
"Uncle Pete...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Uncle Pe-eete....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll toss you in the shower!!"
Five minutes later......"Uncle Pe-ete....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to toss me in the shower, can you bring a drink of water?"
My cousin didn't believe that she would actually get tossed in the shower. She didn't know my Dad well enough to know that he did not make idle threats.
When he held the tip-top of her head under the lukewarm water for 1/10th of a second she screamed like a banshee. Then he gave her the drink of water. On the second night of her overnight stay she drank enough water to satisfy herself before she went to bed.
Based on a true story.
What she was actually doing was talking too much when we were supposed to be asleep. I edited an old joke which had a funnier format. She got at least 8 warnings before splash. Man was it funny. We would have laughed out loud but we would have been next and we knew it. But there was an awful lot of very hard to suppress snickering for the next hour.
You'd think this wasn't a comedy blog anymore. It is! But no parent can help feeling bad for the grandfather who saw his 2-year-old grandson blown into Lake Michigan and founder underwater until he was pulled out and rushed to a hospital by emergency crews after 15 minutes submerged.
A parent's nightmare. Really. When you first realize that your wife is pregnant along with the joy are the worries of all the things that have gone wrong to others that creep into your thoughts and dreams. A friend saw her three-year-old bounce off the bed, through a screen and out the three story window of her apartment. Fortunately into the bushes below.
"Mom! Can I do that again!"
She still quivers a little when she tells that story behind the laughs as she tells it. Be careful where you let your toddlers bounce is the moral of that tale.
The moral of this tale is, be very careful when walking a small child along a pier along any body of water if you yourself cannot swim.
When my son was three I took him down to the harbors along the lakeshore. I let him walk down the piers and look right into the water. He laughed and giggled and had lots of fun. But this story does not make me worry that this was a dangerous thing to do. I was prepared for that activity.
First, it was a calm weather day. No heavy winds.
Second, as a teenager I earned both the Boy Scouts Scout Lifeguard Award, the rough equivalent to the Red Cross Water Safety Instructor except that it also has a rowing requirement, I followed that up with Red Cross Advanced Life Saving and Red Cross CPR in College, then before our son was born, my wife and I got certified in Red Cross Infant and Child CPR at a local hospital.
If my son had fallen into the water I would have been able to pull him out in seconds. Had he stopped breathing, I knew what to do while running to a phone to call 911. Though I had a cell phone with me so that was not needed. But I was prepared. You can be too.
If you live near a large body of water be careful near it. Keep close to kids, near the water if you can't swim.
The grandpa in this case did one thing right. By not jumping in when he did not know how to swim he did not cause a double-drowning. Instead, someone saw him and that gave his grandson the best chance he could get.
Never risk a double drowning, but if you know how, this is the order to do it.
Reach
Throw
Row
But only go if you know how. If you do, try to bring something that floats, like a ring buoy (life preserver) (they are to be thrown over the shoulders of a victim and drawn back not aimed at the head!) or an inflatable something.
Don't ever let a panicked swimmer grab you. Especially by the neck.
Let's keep this family in our prayers.
And as the sporting season starts, make sure you have a safety vest for everyone on your boat. Not only is it the law, but it prevents tragedies on very small craft.
They are an absolute must for canoes.
I will never forget the year after earning Scout Lifeguard being on a 30 mile canoe trip with a non-swimmer in the bow of my canoe. We were on the White River, near Whitehall, Michigan, just where it starts to feed into White Lake. About a half hour before we would land at Arf n' Barf.
He was wearing his vest. But he was also painfully thin.
It was a windy day and we actually had waves on this part of the river that were 6 to 8 inches high. Very unusual. Most of the river is only a foot to 3 feet deep. But at this part it opens up to about 12 feet deep. I was in the stern, the back of the canoe that controls or steers where the canoe would go. He wanted to move further back and I told him No!
He stood up in the canoe to move back anyway. Without his paddling we started to turn sideways to the wind and waves. I yelled to him as gently as I could to be careful and stay low so that he would not present himself like a sail to the wind. He stood straight up to hear me better, then lost his balance. Over we went.
The canoe turned upside down. I immediately came to the surface. He was not on my side of the canoe. I dived, wearing my vest this was hard, under the canoe to make sure he was not trapped underneath it then came up on the underside of it. He was not on the other side. But his vest was.
The kid was so thin that he had slid right out of his life vest and gone straight to the bottom of the river which had a mud bottom. I yelled to some of the older kids behind us to come then dove down to the bottom.
I could see him down there, barely, through the muddy water. He was not moving or struggling. Fighting the pull of the vest was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the water was at least 12 feet down and perhaps 15, it took all my strength.
He looked up at me, reached up to me with his hand, I grabbed it and pulled him into a cross-chest carry with control and the vest rocketed us up to the surface. At the top he exploded out the breath he had been holding.
When I shouted at him why hadn't he tried to come up to the surface he shrugged and said. "I was waiting for you. I knew you'd come get me." Nice. Very nice. By this time a couple of the other canoes got there and I had lashed the kid back into his vest and pushed him into one of the other canoes. We then did a maneuver called canoe over canoe rescue.
To do this you need a second canoe. While the overturned canoe is still upside-down you push one end down so that the other end comes up over the middle of the other canoe. Then you push the over turned canoe up until it is balanced on the middle of the other canoe upside down. Then when it is balanced in the middle, you can turn the canoe over out of the water and slide it back into the water floating. Then the person(s) in the other canoe can hold both canoes together by the thwarts, sides, to make it easier for the people in the water to get back in.
This was in some ways the most panicked of all, I wanted us to get back in the canoe before our Scoutmaster and assistant scoutmaster came around the bend and saw what had happened. I did not want them to know that I had dumped a 10-year old non-swimmer to the bottom of While Lake and almost drowned him. The current had been moving fast. If I had missed him on that first attempt, I don't know if I could have found him on a second try. It was terrifying.
I also did not know if I had the strength for a second or third try given the depth and the strength it took to fight the life vest and my own considerable natural buoyancy. The senior scouts with me and the kid looked at each other in shock.
"Pete", one said, "You almost really screwed that one up."
"Yeah," said another, "But you didn't."
"Hey," I said, "What Willy doesn't know," our Scoutmaster, "won't cause him any lost sleep or tears."
"Right." They all agreed.
"You!" The biggest of the lot said to the kid. "Keep your mouth shut about this and your butt in the bottom of the canoe."
I used what we called Willy-rope, rope our Scoutmaster used to get from tossed-out rope from his employer to tie the vest onto the kid and sat him down while we were still together. I was tempted to tie him to the canoe, but that was unsafe. We moved close to the North bank of the river, the Arf N' Barf side, and moved together as a group the last mile or so to our landing place well ahead still of the last of the 30 canoes with Willy in it.
I don't know if he ever learned that story.
Ten years later I was at my one of my sister's weddings and the kid's sister came up to me.
"Hi Peter," she said in a manner that was a lot friendlier than I would have expected given our lack of time spent together. She was my sisters' friend after all. I said Hi. She looked around. Noticed that we were sort of alone, then she grabbed me and kissed me. Hard.
"Wow! What was that for? I mean, thanks."
"You'll know what that was for if you think a little.:
"What?"
"Done any canoeing lately? Say on the White River at Owasippe?" Then the penny dropped. I knew that she knew. "Thanks. I really have liked having my brother around for the last 10 years. You know he only told me that story recently so its still a little shocking. I don't know what I would have done..."
That's more than you need to know. It made me feel good that someone knew and remembered what had happened. Not my stupidity in letting the situation get that far, though I had done all the warning I could have. But I was even gladder to hear how well he had done since then. That was the best news of all.
Switching back to the news story. This toddler has a possible future just like the kid in my story. It may be that he goes on to a great life. I sure hope so. But all those involved in his rescue deserve kudos for the attempt, from the stranger who stopped and called it in, to each hospital worker. Each life touches so many others. Each one we save, touches thousands more.
And I did not act alone. I was in the position to go to the bottom. But I had the support of the other canoes that rushed to my side. They just didn't help me hide it from Willy. That really wasn't important in the long run. They helped me get the kid out of the water fast. And back into a safe canoe, in a life vest.
When you go out in the water this summer, make sure you wear a properly fitting life vest.
Note: The White River trips started at Canoe Central near the Administration Center and Horse Corral and Ended in Whitehall at Dog 'n Suds which had great food. After almost two weeks of camp food it was like heaven on earth despite our nickname for it.
I've seen some comments in blogs from Alaska and California asking why an Illinois or Midwest earthquake should be such a big deal if its only a 5.2.
My main response is this.
Unlike their regions, where earthquakes are commonplace and expected, earthquakes here are rare, and are outside the experience of most people. More, most people in the Midwest until now have been completely unaware of even the possibility of an earthquake here.
This means that most homes in major cities that could be affected by a very large earthquake, such as a 7.0 - 8.0, including St. Louis, Memphis, Kansas City, Atlanta, Gary and Chicago have not been built to the kind of building codes used in San Francisco, Los Angeles, Anchorage, etc., where earthquakes are known to occur.
There are exceptions that I know about. Sears Tower for example, even though it was built to be the World's tallest building in the 1970's was deliberately built to be earthquake resistant through its basic design. It sways in heavy winds and in a major earthquake would rock heavily, but it would take the ground splitting underneath it, which as far as we know, due to the large distance between Chicago and the fault line, is extremely unlikely, to knock it down.
Many other major structures might not fare so well here. Which ones? How much damage they might take? Who knows?
The fact that it has not happened here and that people are very upset makes it newsworthy.
The fact that we are less prepared than you makes it newsworthy.
The fact that the press was surprised probably gave it an extra bump in the news.
But really, anyone who complains that our earthquakes are getting more attention than their earthquakes is really being petty. Very petty. Or are maybe being what are known in the newsgroups as "trolls" people deliberately stirring up trouble, just to do so. For their own sake.
In the matter of earthquakes, this is not funny. I am a comedy writer, so I did a piece today on earthquakes which I hope is funny. That's a good thing, it relieves stress about something that really worries people.
But what we really should be doing about it is thinking, O.K., this is something that really could happen here, what should we as individuals and family members or neighbors be ready to do about it. What's our PLAN?
"I survived Hurricane Frederick - 1979" were the pins that my College gave out after the storm. I've been through a natural disaster, not as bad as some hurricanes go, but bad enough to be without lights, running water for days and to have very significant storm damage to deal with for months. The college (Spring Hill College) was very prepared. It had a great disaster plan.
We were safe during the storm, or as safe as we could be, in highly reinforced buildings, there were ample emergency supplies, electricity was back up through emergency generators in a few critical areas quickly, and emergency volunteer clean-up efforts were safely organized so that in hours any dangerous overhanging tree-fall was gone in walking paths, and in a day or two all roads and pathways on the campus were clear enough for traffic. Psychological damage and stress relief programs were in place right away too.
So, what's your plan. Does your family know where to meet, how to get together if the cells go out and your cell phones don't work because all the towers are down or unpowered. Expect that this will happen in a major earthquake and a significant amount of stress will be relieved if you have a plan for it.
Fire is a major problem in earthquakes.
Where is it safest to be in an earthquake?
That might be a critical issues during one and might vary by building downtown in Chicago. If I was in Sears Tower I wouldn't leave it and if I was just outside I would try to duck inside immediately before the sheets of glass began to fall from 103 stories up. Or they might not. It would have to be a mammoth quake to do that.
But you have to think about the worst sometimes and plan for it so that you can think clearly if it does happen. Then, forget about it except to keep your emergency supplies like fresh water up to date.
I'll try to update this post with some disaster prep links or info in this post.
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