Five Chicago sports fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different Chicago sports team and each proclaimed to be the most loyal to there team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one was the most loyal of them all.
They continued fighting till they reached the top. The Blackhawk's fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, 'This is for the Hawks' as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be outdone the Bulls fan threw himself off the edge shouting "this is for the greatest team of the 90's"
Next the Bears fan jumped & said"This is for DA COACH' the two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned silence.
After a minute the Sox fan Bellowed..."THIS IS FOR THE SOUTH SIDE!!!"
THEN HE PUSHED THE CUBS FAN OFF THE MOUNTAIN!!
Hee hee hee. You can tell I'm a South-sider can't you?
My thanks to Andy for this one. No editing needed.
A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you:
I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .
And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.
I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.
Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.
But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!
If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way......
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems.
Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post, all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?
As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.
We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true. As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. Its your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not. True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.
Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign
10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort?
9 - Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?
8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?
7 - Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton - presuming a fall victory - to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function?
Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?
6 - Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).
5 - Is it true that one night during the Clinton Administration Hillary wandered into the war room under the White House during a supposed crises and caught Bill and the Joint Chiefs drinking and playing poker, and rather than getting mad she took a seat at the table and cleaned everyone out except the Navy cook who had come in to serve sandwiches and who split the last pot with her?
4 - Is it true that Thursday is "pantsuit day" for everyone on the campaign but that only Bill refuses to bow down to the pressure, which is why you never see him on the trail on Thursdays?
3 - Could it really be that Hillary's 'George W' given nickname is 'Tinkerbell', that no one knows why, and that the Senator's campaign staff is afraid to ask her about it?
2 - Is it possible that Hillary has a secret Taco Bell habit formed when that "cute little dog" was on all the commercials and that she thought it was funny because his English reminded her of W's?.
1 - Is the deepest darkest secret of the Hillary Clinton campaign: that to lock up at least one Presidential nomination, using Hollywood special effects makeup, Hillary is secretly running for President as John McCain with Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live masquerading as Cindy McCain? This could explain Tina Fey's strange outburst two weeks ago on SNL during weekend update!
Oh, how America wants to know the truth. Or do we?
Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.
A nursery school teacher was driving a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck raced by sirens wailing and lights flashing. Sitting in happily the front seat of the fire engine was the crew's black spotted Dalmatian puppy.
The children wondered what the dog did other than ride around looking happy to earn his keep at the fire house.
"They use him to keep crowds away from the firs," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just a good luck charm."
But a third child brought the conversation to an end and almost caused an accident.
"Dalmations," she said firmly, " are very good at spotting the fire hydrants."
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This comes from my friend MS for whom I have a whole backload of great jokes to put up. This is one of those clean jokes for people with dirty minds.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said:"You thought so .......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought so .......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.
This reminds me of a friend of mine who said recently:
And I thought Bush would be such a good President ......... but I was wrong.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon!
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I found out recently that my cousin R. has been taking helicopter flying lessons. For those of you unaware of this, flying helicopters is a bit harder than flying an airplane be it a jet, a propeller airplane, a bi-plane or even a glider. That is in a large part because you have to get used to handling not only the big rotor that brings you up, down, and controls the angle and speed of your movement, but also the rotor in the back that keeps your little rock in the sky from spinning around like a frog in a blender. That back rotor is really important, and controlling it, while moving, up, down and side to side is why flying helicopters can be really tricky.
Of course, helicopters can go places no other aircraft can go, and land places no other aircraft can, like on the roof of buildings like hospitals, which is usually a really good thing. R. is one of my younger cousins, with lots of younger sisters and one of my most vivid memories was the first weekend she got her driver's license, and I happened to be at a major intersection waiting for the bus when their station wagon came careening around the corner with R. at the wheel, my Godchild M. half hanging out one window, and one of the others waving her arms out the other. There is a reason Roman Catholic's have the sign of the cross and that moment was made for it as I prayed that they would make it home safely.
R. has always been one of the most responsible of my cousins however, (I have 41 cousins in that tier so I don't have to say how many are in the very, very responsible group, now do I? LOL) and so none were lost on that ride, but of course the first image that flashed through my mind when R. told me she was about halfway through helicopter flight training was that image of 20 years ago, then another of her doing a low level run in a Huey around the same corner with the same results.
Ruth will be a fine pilot of course, time has passed since that first encounter. She is not only much matured, but I think her level of instruction is much higher than her high school's driver's Ed program and her parent's possible desire to get all the kids out of the house for a few blessed minutes of peace.
With this in mind, I have scoured the net for some helicopter jokes and dedicated this post to cousin R., in hopes that I can get a ride with her soon after she gets her license to fly. Yup, soon after. She's going to be a great pilot, I can already tell. Part of An Actual Helicopter Training Session Intro:
As you know, there is a bolt in the rotor assembly that is quite critical. It holds the rotor onto the shaft. In a fit of wisdom, it was once termed the "Jesus bolt." The apparent reasoning was that only the good grace of the Savior kept it from failing.
Failure of the Jesus bolt quickly gives a helicopter the same aerodynamic properties enjoyed by the common household brick. These same gentlemen also proved that a bumblebee cannot fly. In my talk this evening, I'll ignore their error concerning the bee and focus on their correct assessment of helicopter aerodynamics. A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.' Helicopters don't really fly. They're so ugly the earth repels them. Q: When was the last time you went to an antique helicopter fly-in?
A: Never. Helicopters fall apart before they get to be antiques. Joe went on a free helicopter ride for his birthday, but the helicopter crashed on its way back to the airport, and Joe and the pilot were injured but not killed. Joe's brother Tony, who had given Joe the free ride rushed to the hospital full of guilt to find out what had happened because he had picked the company in particular because of its outstanding safety record.
"What the heck happened, Joe! If this was their fault I'm going to sue the pants off them, you could have been killed!"
"I don't know", said Joe, "I'd been drinking that Champagne that you sent along for the flight and by the time we were coming back I was getting really cold. That bird was not really well insulated. All I really remember really is reaching up to turn off that big fan, and the pilot screaming, when a few seconds later we started spinning and started to fall like a rock... Two cows are standing on top of a hill. One cow turns to the other cow and says: "Are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow looks puzzled: "Why? I'm a helicopter." One Chicago helicopter pilot to another in a bar near Midway Airport:
"So, how'd you get started flying helicopters? Was it the thrill of flying, the way members of the opposite sex react when you tell them you're a pilot, the knowledge and skill required, knowing that you are your own boss when you are up in the air flying, or is it the knowledge of the risk, the adventure, the thrill of knowing that a mechanical failure could lead to certain death at any time?"
The other looked at him with steely eyes and said, "No way, you're from here, you should know better than that!"
"I was just tired of risking my life every time I went out on the Dan Ryan Expressway. That thing's dangerous! After my third rear-ender I said to hell with this, I wanted a safe way to travel!" Q: What's the difference between an eastern block helicopter and a NATO one?
A moose apparently annoyed by being shot with a tranquilizer dart charged the rear rotor of a hovering helicopter, colliding with it and eventually bringing it down to the ground. The pilot and a wildlife biologist aboard the helicopter were not injured in the incident but the moose had to be euthanized. As a part of his study on moose, biologist Kevin White shot the animal with a tranquilizer dart and followed it while the pilot maneuvered the helicopter to keep the animal from slipping into a tight space or collapsing in water and drowning, Doug Larsen, regional supervisor for the Division of Wildlife Conservation told the Anchorage Daily news. In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. The Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem, is frequently jammed.
The bridge's traffic problem is notorious and frequently featured on helicopter TV news shots; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner. A former huey pilot thought that if he ever lost his rotor mast at high-enough altitude, he'd take his helmet off and put it on backwards, drop his pants, sit on the cyclic, and let the NTSB try to explain it.
I suspect they might just write it off as a rotor cup injury.... Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars." They may not all be original, but gosh darn it they sure are funny. Let's hope that R.'s mom doesn't see the ones about crashes. Good luck R!
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Recently I got yet another one of those e-mails that get sent around, yet another one with 9 "Stories of Stupidity". Unfortunately for humanity, they all have the ring of truth, and, I am glad to say, I have made none of these mistakes, nor have I ever put a CTA transit card into a dollar bill feed on a bus farebox.
Nor have I ever piloted a boat into a pylon in the Chicago River running next to the old underground mail and coal railroad system, breaking a hole into the tunnel from the river causing the system to flood, water to pour into the basements of many downtown buildings, and Bruce Moffat's heavily illustrated book about Chicago's underground tunnel system to be photocopied by the hundreds from the CTA library where he works (no, nobody asked for his permission, he only knew the source because of the stamped "Property of the CTA library" all over its pages - it worked out OK for Bruce though, his book went into another printing, sold many more copies, and he got a much better job at CTA. It's a very interesting book by the way.)
I've added that little anecdote because I have decided to update the original post, Stories of Stupidity - I, with small corrections in grammar, spelling, that sort of thing. I've done this because recently that story has been getting quite a few hits and I thought I had better fix it up and perhaps, re-release it. But if I was going to do that, I thought I should add a little something new for those who have been reading all along. Back to the original email stories and my additions to them.
Stories of stupidity. Sometimes you wonder, could things this stupid really happen?
So I have added three stories of stupidity that I saw happen with my very own eyes, not overheard by a cousin or a friend, or a friend of a friend. If you forward this you can quote the source of these as Peter of Http://thepeterfiles.blogspot.com and that's a fact. There were multiple witnesses to the last two who I could dig up if it was worth it.
But first, the 9 that triggered the post. Believe them or don't.
If you have a stupid story to share, feel free to add it as a comment. Don't be bothered by my reviewing. I only usually reject ads or adult material.
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't ?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Then three of my own:
A man riding on the nearly empty upper deck of a Rock Island commuter train heading into work around 9:30 in the morning is looking at a catalog and starts to make an order over his cell phone.
As he does so, the people in the car seated below him start looking at each other incredulously, "Is this guy really stupid enough to do what we think he is going to do?"
Sure enough he starts reading off the numbers of an American Express Gold (from the color) card, he gets about 8 or 9 digits in when I bellow up "EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T GET THOSE LAST TWO NUMBERS, COULD YOU REPEAT THEM PLEASE?" and the whole car starts laughing hysterically.
Red faced the man in the upper deck immediately closed his cell phone, shaking his head at what a stupid thing he was about to finish doing.
"Thank you, that was a pretty stupid thing I was doing wasn't it?"
To which half the car yelled "YES!" which made him more red, but then I added,
"Could have been worse, at least you didn't repeat the last two numbers!" Even he laughed at that.
While working at summer camp when I was 16 we slept on large metal cots with a foam mattress with a plastic cover which saved one of the larger C.I.T.'s or Counselor-in-Training's lives.
CIT's were only 15 and only made $10 for the summer, which basically paid for laundry money, though meals and lodging were free, and of course they got the great experience of working at one of America's premiere scout camps, the Owasippe Scout Reservation, working in this case at the section camp know as Camp Robert Crown where I was working as a regular staffer.
Largely because of their age and lack of experience CIT's were not known as being the swiftest kids on the staff, but this kid took the cake.
The State of Michigan required a mandatory "nap" for all kids under 18 in summer camps between 1 and 2 pm, which we referred to as "shoes-off merit badge" during which the kids had to be in their tents and on their canvas cots with their feet off the floor. Staff were exempt, but many of the staff took advantage of this siesta time since there were often some programmed hours in the evening that a given staff member had to attend.
I will never forget walking down staff row towards the administrative lodge when I heard yelling and screaming coming from this CIT's cabin tent which he shared with another. His roommate was yelling too, "Don't get off with one foot you'll fry, you have to jump, jump!"
Well jump he did, off the cot, out the door, his hair on end, and smoking, followed by his friend with a towel who threw it on his friends hair to make sure that if there was any real burning it was out.
What had happened was this. The staff cabins were electrified and the very heavy staff member had let the cable for his electric clock radio get under the metal legs of his cot which had just happened to sever the cord as I was walking by.
This turned the cot into a sparking electric bed, from which this CIT had been protected somewhat from the foam and plastic cover, but he had been sleeping, and had been terrified when awakened by his cabin-mate to find the bed sparking around him. As he was jumping off he touched some part of the bed and got a real jolt, but not enough to hold him to the bed or kill him.
As he came spinning down the hill, patting his head to see if it was on fire, screaming like a plucked chicken, as he ran to and jumped into the camp pool, fully clothed except for his shoes, it looked funnier than hell, but it was not for him.
I'm pretty sure that the first thing everyone did immediately after that was check the cords in their cabin and whether their cots were sitting on any cords. I knew mine weren't already.
The last story happened a few years earlier when I was a scout at the a different section camp (Stuart) that no longer appears on the map above when two brothers, to protect their identities we'll call them JJohn and DDennis or J and D for short, decided to bring up candy and a cigarette rolling machine and sell candy and cigarettes to other scouts at camp, our troop and any others. They figured they could make a few quick bucks and they did. The leaders knew about the candy operation but J & D neglected to tell them about the cigarette making venture. By making them out of cheap tobacco the costs were really bare bones and I suspect at home the little machine had other uses. Just a suspicion of course.
Well J & D had a rousing little business and did quite well. We were there for two weeks and some troops were up there only one, and while the camp had a trading post J made a point of having different products and fairly low prices giving a good value. By the middle of the second week he had about 80 dollars in his bulging wallet. He kept it all in there because he did not trust that the trunk they kept their wares in could not be broken into and while large boxes of candy could be found in a camp-wide search, cash was another matter. Or so J the mastermind of the operation thought.
That was until D started arguing with him while they were in the Kybo or outhouse (a relatively safe place to smoke (HA!) without getting caught by the leaders) about getting his hands on his share of the cut and accidentally knocked J's wallet in the hole! (Kybo is a military acronym for outhouse that stems from a saying probably to remind soldiers of the dangers of going into battle on a full stomach - Keep Your Bowels Open).
This caused a massive crisis for J & D and one of the most exciting moments of that summer. In instants the entire camp (not just our troop) learned the news as J tried to figure out how to get his wallet back, nestled as it were on the surface of horror, 6-8 feet below.
He soon realized, while several of the less kind members of the troop taunted him about needing to go, and go right NOW, that he could not find anything long enough to lower except DDennis who was just thin enough to be lowered through the hole to retrieve the wallet which was slowly starting to sink, bit by bit.
As can be expected DDennis was not too excited about this plan.
What if you drop me?
You can swim can't you?
But that's gross!
It's your fault, you knocked the wallet down there in the first place.
But it's not fair.
Sure it's fair, I am strong enough to lower you but you are not strong enough to lower me.
Why not have more guys lower me? Not enough room. Besides, look around, are you sure that they wouldn't rather drop you?
Like I can trust you on that?
Yeah, but if I dropped you, you'd tell mom and dad.
Yeah, and they'd beat the crap out of you, ironic huh. I still don't want to do it.
O.K. , but you owe me 90 dollars. 90! But what about my share?
It's a 40 dollar wallet, I should charge you for that anyway, but if you get it and clean it, I may forget about that, but the longer you argue the deeper it goes and the harder it will be to clean, and if it goes below the surface, the harder it will be to find.
Ugh. O.K. You win. Lower me down.
And so, D emptied his pockets, took off his watch and let J lower him down into the smelly pool of filth of unknown depth as all of those gathered around the building groaned in disgust and listened to hear the sounds of a splash and squeal indicating the worst fate we could imagine without physical harm.
It was then we realized that J probably should have put some kind of rope harness on D.
After two or three near drops and D having trouble because he was waving back and forth like a pendulum, he did manage to retrieve the wallet.
Then J realized that pulling D back up was going to be harder than lowering him down and as soon as he began to have trouble he had several extra hands pulling D back up to D's enormous relief.
Then everyone immediately backed up because the wallet in D's hand was half covered in, well, you know. D didn't smell too good either.
In light of the story that came out a year or two ago about multiple deaths that occurred in a latrine collapse in Asia as one person dived in to rescue another who fell in and passed out, then the next passed out, then the next, until the death toll was terribly large, I now realize that the whole thing was even stupider than we thought at the time.
Though its a wonder the darn thing never exploded from the smoking and fumes. Must have been just ventilated enough....
Well if those three stories really happened I guess the ones before it could have too. That's it for this file,
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Sorry toots, but if you've been watching the Sopranos all these seasons, ya shoulda seen it coming.
You knew too much. Listening in on big Tony's shrink sessions, spying in on all his deep secrets, the family fights, witnessing who whacked who, sooner or later you had to know that what you knew was going to become a liability to Tony and his ability to sleep well. Right?
You thought you was safe, after all, it was the end of the final season. What could happen?
Not like you was a big roller. You forgot you was a witness. A loose string to be taken care of before they took off for who knows where. And, so, you got whacked. Right in front of the family. Best way for them to be sure you were done.
Big Tony's daughter thought it was wrong and tried to stop it. After all, who did you ever kill?
You never ratted out on anyone. And ya could have.
But she was too late. By the time she was close, boom, blackout, the deed was done.
I can understand you being mad and all. You didn't see it coming. But what were you doing out in public so close to big T and his whole family? Didn't you think someone would notice you? After all you've been hanging around for years now. At least you coulda worn something other than your underwear to the restaurant. And its not like you were totally innocent - how many times did you watch someone get whacked without a word of protest?
Right. So its only fair. Just your turn at the blood pit.
Well, now you have forever to think about it and all the mistakes you made.
Mean time, Tony and the family is out there living on, doing their own thing, whatever or wherever that is, you won't be there to see it. I have a pshrinking feeling that there will be less therapy in his future too.
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As The International School of Blog Repair became more popular, we realized that many of our students were using their high salaries from blog repair to go skiing, but found that many facets of skiing, unlike blog repair, were not intuitively obvious to the casual observer.
With that in mind we have culled the experiences of our top Blog Repair School Instructors, some of our best graduates, and other internet resources to provide this free guide for those who contemplate taking up skiing next season.
We strongly feel that the key to success in any undertaking is preparation and so we offer this guide to those who have always wanted to ski like a pro, but have never had the time to learn. Going to a ski resort and learning there is incredibly expensive. But what if you could learn years of lessons in the year before you went up? Why you would save perhaps thousands of dollars and years of time.
You might ask, why would we do such a thing? Offer a valuable program like this for free?
First, we want to serve our own Instructors and Graduates. Somehow, those attracted to Blog repair are also attracted to rugged high adventure activities such as skiing, skydiving, scuba diving, and doing their laundry at laundry bar cafes. Who knew?
Next, we are pretty much absolutely unqualified to give out this kind of advice. Skiing seems to make sense to us, so we offer this course to you on a "take this advice completely at your own risk basis".
We feel this is fair because skiing is also a take this at your own risk sort of enterprise and you are free at anytime to say nope - that's just crazy.
Finally, since people who wind up being graduates of our International Blog Repair School tend to like skiing, we hope the reverse is true and that you will consider enrolling there. In the words of the nearly immortal Stan Lee, "Nuff said".
The International School of Skiing Instruction Unqualified Guide to Preparation for Skiing A Jump Start to Learning to Ski For Next Season Follow this Advice At Your Own Risk It was composed by utter Morons For the Benefit of Future Skiers Please make The International School of Blog Repair or The Peter Files Blog Your New Insurance Policy Beneficiaries Before You Start Skiing
Now that spring is here, it is s time for potential new skiers to start getting ready for next year's skiing season. I'm not kidding, you'll need the time. Before you know it, next season will be here. You will need lots of preparation to be ready for your first season on the slopes, hence, the following list of helpful exercises to get you prepared.
As far as we can tell, never having skied ourselves, these are THE definitive exercises for those who wish to truly prepare for an aggressive skiing season; ignore them at your peril for they will prepare you both physically and psychologically:
20. Forget that image of the broken-legged skier in the lodge, soaking up the flames and the babes. Once you are lame, they consider you as a lame candidate for romance, unless your watch is a Rolex or better and your car is a Ferrari: they know the difference between the real thing and a knock-off.
You might as well destroy and wardrobe from Sears, Kmart, or Target it this is your plan. Also, there are pictures of all the phony casts made by zip on, zip off cast manufactures in the ladies rooms, so you can forget that angle. A few even have portable x-ray machines stashed in their large purses which they sometimes use to examine more than leg damage! I would explain more but the editor has restrained me from exposing their full tactics as this is supposed to be a safe for family blog.
19. Build a permanent ladder up to the roof of your house. Build a series of rollers down to the ground along one side so that you can practice from rooftop. Important: Your artificial slope MUST extend beyond the ground at the base of your house for at least fifteen feet or an inconvenience will occur that will not be that dissimilar to inconveniences you will experience regularly on the slopes your first few days or weeks depending on your physical strength and agility. Do not try the cross-ski method of stopping on this test slope. It will not work and may lead to significant unplanned vertical lift and descent with added rotation and momentum upon landing.
18. Read the posts on skiing forums that describe different skiing resorts, their facilities, and their training facilities for new skiers. Try to stay away from resorts that cater solely to untrained snow bunnies as these will be too crowded and thus hazardous for your first time efforts. Ignore warnings about dangerous slopes, the lack of easy slopes, and killer descents as these warnings are primarily designed to keep the real snow bunnies away.
Even though this will be your first season on skis, you will not be a snow bunny: You will have completed these exercises making you vastly more prepared for the skiing season. It is worth noting the dates for something called "avalanche season". It is better to avoid skiing in the middle of this time period. Though very scenic snow events can be seen from the safety of the snow lodge at the beginning an end of the season. Be sure to be uphill of the snow lodge during these periods.
17. It is now time to begin serious pre-season conditioning in earnest. This will be challenging. But remember, as with the rugged training given to sword masters of old, while painful, each of these exercises is meant to prepare you and condition your body for the experiences and trauma you may experience on the slopes. Your fist task will be to learn how to roller blade with ski poles until you are skilled enough to grab a woman's purse without being stopped by her boyfriend. Then you must add $50 to the purse, and ski by again to return it without getting caught by said boyfriend or arrested. You must select a girl with a beefy boyfriend and it is wise to pick someone who appears to be unarmed, at least at first. As you get better at this exercise, increase the degree of difficulty by adding a note "Thanks for last night, you were great!" to the cash, and come by a third time after the note has been opened and read and grab a kiss. This will teach you some basics of skiing, the cost of skiing, and the physical cost of making a mistake. It may also get you a new girlfriend. This last possibility may be far more expensive than taking up skiing--you have been warned.
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Then wear them again for an hour or until you lose feeling in one or both hands. Remember not to do heavy work like hammering if your hands seem frozen. While your gloves are being iced up again slowly warm your hands up to avoid gangrene and loss of fingers.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. The mark it leaves will be very similar to the mark left on the head of a skier who passes out in bed after a wild night of partying having forgotten to take of his goggles. If questioned in a ski shop about it during the off season, just mumble something like "Y'know, I'm just trying out the virtual thing, for kicks, y'know". Since the top level virtual thing is primo expensive, this could mark you as a radically rich skier, a rep that could do you well if you meet this person on the slopes later.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. This will help train your eyes to detect clues through the most inclement weather. It will also help you to focus through distractions such as a glue based contact high. Elmer's will not work. Do not do this more than twice. Be sure to put the glue on THE OUTSIDE of the lenses. If you do not know the inside from the outside of the lenses try professional merry-go-rounding instead of skiing. I hear they are considering it as a trial Olympic sport for the 2016 Olympics.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. You'll need the practice. And again-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Knee pads, shoulder pads and helmets are for sniveling rat faced gits and are not allowed.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. If you live in California or Florida please remember that you must use shoes and not sandals or the point of this exercise is lost. If you live in the Third World, please remember that the shoes must be without large holes in them for the same reason. Of course, then step 12 would be impossible for many of you.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. If you do not have a friend willing to do this, show up at a practice at any local high school or college football team and offer your services as what is called a "tackle dummy". Don't worry what a tackle dummy is. As the Jesuits say, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. If the nearest McDonald's never has lines, go to the nearest TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback Steak House, Olive Garden, or any restaurant with lines long enough to have those E.T. light up seating lights that tell you when your table is finally ready, wait for it to light up, then hand it to any "deserving looking" couple or group with $8.50 or more, say, "I want to be like Earl" and leave immediately.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. If you do not have access to a motorcycle, sneak up on top of any large truck at a nearby truck stop that you might be able to clip onto, then raise yourself up once it is going 70 mph for the same experience. Watch out for low overhangs and Smokey. Long jail terms tend to interrupt the training progress.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. If possible, skitch behind the truck by tying a tow line to the back of the truck and let it pull you behind it in the snow. This works best on lonelier highways where you are less likely to be noticed. Short tow ropes help as they will put you right in the path of the most blinding snow. You may wear a little padding here to account for the salt kicked up with the snow. You may also rig a watter bottle feed to your helmet as the salt may make you thirsty. While it is possible to skitch without the tow rope, it is very difficult to do this for longer than an hour in most cases.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. True ski warriors will have several blenders lined up in sequence with the last two having a Diet Coketm and Mentos load to launch a truly awesome spray your way.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. The inner suit should be a wet suit. Practice in or near the tub at first.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. All right, if your thum is leading to a fatal condition you may go to an emergency room obviously, but no visits for pain, cuts, or scratches. Pump up dudes and dudettes.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing, slipping on your ski boots for the first time, ignoring the weather warning, and roaring down the expert hill like 007. Try to avoid acting like 009. (He died in Octopussy in a clown suit. What a humiliating way to go. Not even shaken or stirred.)
Extra credit: Avalanche practice: Go back to the football (or rugby team) and ask the entire team to periodically attempt to pile on you as you race across the field. You and they are not allowed to start until the coach fires a track pistol that simulates that crack that an avalanche makes at the start. You must wear skis, if they catch you they are to pile on you for one hour. Your goal, attempt to keep breathing. Advice: Make this the first exercise of the day so that their need for showers does not asphyxiate you.
If you have taken most of the above steps (really, who could survive them all):
Congratulations! You now are as prepared for your first season of skiing as this course can make you. Take this advice at your own risk! This course is designed only for those who wish to avoid the mundane work of classwork and learn the practical basics of skiing right up front.
This being said you are hereby awarded the certificate:
Junior Associate Cadet Knowledgeable in Acquired Skiing Skills
Add the initials for this certification after your name proudly whenever you wish to show your dedication to skiing or to sport, or are seeking enrollment in The International School of Blog Repair Technicians!
(Our thanks to jokeoftheday.com which provided the framework and original source for the skiing tips in this post which have undergone considerable editing and expansion. These tips have been greatly expanded upon by the Peter Files Blog and integrated into our other humor streams. Again, in case you are truly dense or hung over and missed it. This post is a joke, satire, whatever you call it, DO NOT TRY ANYTHING IN THIS POST! Do not forward this post without this warning!)
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefi t of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". (Click the link for the original Rogers & Hammerstein Lyrics.)
Here are the lyrics she allegedly used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,< /STRONG> These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and nneed for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
Unfortunately, while the lyrics are very funny, Ms. Andrews, sadly did not and could not have sung them on the day in question due to vocal cord surgery gone wrong that wiped out her ability to sing in 1997. Though removing the cancer may have saved her life, Ms. Andrews own Sounds of Music will probably never be the same again.
For more information on this and other stories that seem a little to good to be true try out Snopes.com which is a great source for finding out the truth behind urban legends.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Home of the Best Doctor Who Podcast in Time and Space
