Obama Moving for Early Release of Elves Said to Be Secretly Held at Guantanemo

Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!

Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.

According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.

The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.

It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)

Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.

It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.

However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.

Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.

Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.

The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.

Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.

This important rumor flash brought to you by:

Peter, Chief Rumor Creator, I mean, Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Stimulus Bribe Received

I don't know about your household, but we got our George Bush Vote for The Republicans Stimulus Bribe Check last week. Oops, did I call it a bribe? Certainly not. A bribe would have to have a chance of working and who in their right mind would think that the paltry sums contained in the, as comedian Chevy Chase would have put it, economic stimulus (bribes) checks would be near enough to pay for the vast damage done to our economy my W.

I wouldn't even try to put a price tag on the lives lost fighting (trillions) in Iraq if I had my way, because the lives of those brave service woman and service men who died in the service of their country were priceless. The fact that they were sent there by a lying no good idiot does not demean the bravery and nobility of their service one tiny bit, nor the service of those there now.

Those in the service of our country are stuck with the commander in chief we vote for. Thankfully, both of the current candidates have to be far better than the current monkey in chief. Don't they. Well certainly Obama is. I have some trouble with McCain, but I don't think he is an idiot. No one could be as dumb as our fearless leader.

Perhaps I am being charitable by suggesting that W is in fact dumb. Perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all the way along. Frightening thought isn't it. Suppose where we are today, deeply in debt, gas prices at an all time high, trapped in an expensive and costly war with an ungodly number of dollars, are we up to $ trillions yet, spent on an ill focused war, exactly where W wanted us to be at the end of his administration?

Is this possible? Would it be legal? Would it be a violation of his oath of office to protect and defend the American Constitution? Would it even be, as some have suggested, be treason?

Thank God this is a blog of Satire and not some serious publication or scholarly news program like Fox TV where I might have to come up with facts to support such a supposition. You know that I have got to be kidding.

The President of these United States would never risk prison by doing such naught things. I mean, its not as if his successor would ever pardon him! Ha! That could Never happen! Nixon who? You mean that really happened once? You mean a President who was probably guilty of a few crimes resigned from the White House and then was issued a blanket pardon by his successor? Like wow. What was his name? Nixon?

Never heard of him. Oh, that's that dude that died awhile back. They made a movie about him once didn't they? Didn't Robert Redford play him? Or was it O.J. Simpson, I get confused about those older dudes.

(Satire, satire.)

So, I have a modest proposal, a 25% tax on the gross revenues of all companies doing business in Iraq, plus a 25% tax on all Oil Company gross revenues, with the proceeds to be divided equally between all taxpayers for the next 10 years or until our soldiers come back from Iraq for the former (including mercenaries), and gas prices drop until Oil company profits are under 5%, without exaggerated costs.

What's the justification?

It's in the national interest and in the interest of homeland security.

Oil and gas prices currently drive the cost of all other prices. The desire to make huge profits at our expense with a vital resource has been irresponsibly used at a time when we are at war. So, take control of the industry and give the money back to the taxpayers who have been paying through the nose for it. At least enough so that the industry will self-regulate itself.

Whatever you do this fall, don't base your vote on this stimulus bribe. It'll be gone in gas and grocery bills, long gone by November anyway.

And Don't forget to declare it on your 2008 income tax return. Since no taxes were deducted from it, it'll probably be a pretty big hit next April, long after the election is over.


Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Audition Notice: Oak Lawn Park District Theatre: Seussical The Musical: May 4th - 8th, 2008

Audition Notice: Seussical The Musical 

The Oak Lawn Park District Theatre

Auditions: May 4th - May 8th, 2008

(Peter's note: Oak Lawn Park District shows are both fun to watch and be in. If you've ever wanted to be in a musical theater production, having singing and/or dancing talent, or want to work backstage, this may be the chance you've been looking for with very nice people and high quality productions. But expect to work HARD. Great shows don't get that way by accident, everyone here pulls their weight!)

The Oak Lawn Park District Theatre group has announced a casting call for its upcoming production of Seussical The Musical.

Auditions:

Sunday, May 4 from 1 - 5 pm, for children ages 8-12 and out of town college students.
Monday, May 5 and Tuesday, May 6 from 7:30 – 10:30 pm for adults.

Come in proper attire and be prepared to sing and dance.

Auditions will be held at the Oak View Center, 4625 W. 110th Street.

Seussical will run for two consecutive weekends, August 1-3 and August 8-10.

First rehearsal will be on June 8th.

For more information on auditions or the production, call the Oak Lawn Park District at (708) 857-2200.



Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Rumors of the Top 10 Deepest Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Campaign

As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.

We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true. As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. Its your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not. True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.

So just don't do it.

Don't cut here.

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Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign

10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired,  because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort? 

9 - Is Bill Clinton  the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?

8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail? 

7 - Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton - presuming a fall victory - to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function? 

Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?

6 - Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).

5 - Is it true that one night during the Clinton Administration Hillary wandered into the war room under the White House during a supposed crises and caught Bill and the Joint Chiefs drinking and playing poker, and rather than getting mad she took a seat at the table and cleaned everyone out except the Navy cook who had come in to serve sandwiches and who split the last pot with her?

4 - Is it true that Thursday is "pantsuit day" for everyone on the campaign but that only Bill refuses to bow down to the pressure, which is why you never see him on the trail on Thursdays?

3 - Could it really be that Hillary's 'George W' given nickname is 'Tinkerbell', that no one knows why, and that the Senator's campaign staff is afraid to ask her about it?

2 - Is it possible that Hillary has a secret Taco Bell habit formed when that "cute little dog" was on all the commercials and that she thought it was funny because his English reminded her of W's?.

1 - Is the deepest darkest secret of the Hillary Clinton campaign: that to lock up at least one Presidential nomination, using Hollywood special effects makeup, Hillary is secretly running for President as John McCain with Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live masquerading as Cindy McCain? This could explain Tina Fey's strange outburst two weeks ago on SNL during weekend update!

Oh, how America wants to know the truth. Or do we? 

Peter, Chief Editor, Spelling Wrecker and Maker up of Political Humor and Satire
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.

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A Modern Fairy Tail Goes Downhill

I rear ended a car this morning...

I could tell; it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

Well the Dwarf saw red and

That's how the fight started...


I know a few of you will see red because I ran this joke. If your feelings were hurt I am truly sorry.
I will send you my friend Tom's email address if it will make you feel any better and his home address in Latvia.

Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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