Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!
Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.
According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.
The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.
It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)
Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.
It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.
However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.
Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.
Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.
The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.
Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.
Now we've done it! After decades of hard work, we have finally surpassed Louisiana's record in political bumboozlery and allegedly confoundedly stupid greedy stupid behavior.
Like most of the public here in Illinois, when he ran for his first term for Governor, sick of the corruption in politics here and saddened by the George Ryan corruption problems, I liked Blagojevich's message, his style, what he had to say in his first campaign for Govenor, but now it seems, after his arrest and release on his own recognizance, like to get an honest job out of these folks at the top we have to wire them 24/7.
Today's events, the early morning FBI arrest of Illinois' Governor Rod Blagojevich and his Chief of Staff Ron Harris may not be the end of trust of all Government officials, but it feels like the beginning of the end. The only ray of hope was the continued refusal of the Obama people, as I read the warrant support affidavid even to consider payback of an kind.
I guess the worst part, the lowest part of reading the warrant support affidavit, was hearing the allegation and possibility (paragraph 73, page 44 of the Affidavit in support of the arrest warrant) that Mrs. Blagojevich may have initiated the idea of using the Tribune Company's desire to sell the Cubs with financing from the State of Illinois as a way to solicit the firing of key Tribune Newspaper (one of many Tribune Company Properties) Editorial Board Members who had written anti-Blago editorials. (See the CNN story for the links).
Oh, how I had wanted Patty B. to be free of any links to this mess. Maybe the Feds got it wrong and it was just a female aide in the Blagojevich home shouting a suggestion to Blago and "Deputy Governor A "...to hold up that F******* Cubs S***.... F*** them" as a way mess up the Tribune board plan. At least she was not on the payroll of Illinois, and so not subject to these indictments(I hope for the kids sake). No more hints at bad language here. I have a standard to maintain. I guess he won't be appointing her for the Senate Seat as a last ditch bail out after all, or is he that stupid?
So, the Governor's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day is a lot worse than "Alexander's, Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by wonderful Children's Author and Illustrators Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz because Alexander's day, well, read the story for that. In fact, you can use the Amazon.com search box or this link to buy it, but Blago's troubles are just staring.
We can now only hope for true reform in Illinois and other states to come from this debacle. The need for Gubernatorial appointments of Senate replacements is long gone. Special Elections, even, "horrors" without a primary can be mandated to happen quickly by law, with a follow-up general election.
Time to take out this model-T of an electoral process and junk it.
Unless of course, this is some kind of "Awful evil dream".* *Leonard Vole - Agatha Christie's Witness for the Prosecution
CNN.Com Live has just projected Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America. As I type this, I am watching the reaction live in Grant Park through teary eyes, remembering another election year of hope 40 years ago, when two great charismatic leaders, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Senator Robert Kennedy were both stolen from us by crazy assassins.
Those were different times. The U.S. Secret Service was not as good as its job then as it is now, but still the shadow of those times haunts me. The tears I cried as an 8-year old in Chatham flow again in joy, just as I see them now live in the eyes of the Reverend Jesse Jackson's eyes on my computer and I can't help wondering if we are sharing some of the same thoughts.
It's been a long road since 1968. Suddenly the hope that was stolen from so many of us so long ago has been returned with the Election of Senator Barack Obama to the Office of President of the United States of America.
This election has not been about race, it has not been about addressing the wrongs of the past, but for those of us who remember with sadness, with great sadness the tragedies of the past, there is a meaning in this victory, beyond all that was said, that is difficult to express, but it is in the tears that stream down my face now.
There is much facing the country now. What will the new President-Elect do to prepare for his first term? How will he organize all his supporters found through the internet to help support his new initiatives and remind the new congress of the depth of his support? What new tools will he bring to the forefront? What will our new future look like?
We all have high expectations. We will all have to be prepared to give him a great deal of support. Are we ready to face the reality of the mess that we have been left? Are we ready to bite the bullet and dig in? Time will tell.
I am now hearing the concession speech of Senator John McCain. Somewhat earlier than I expected. It is a fine speech. Recognizing the historical moment, remembering the death of Obama's Grandmother, and pledging both his support and asking for the support of the Republicans in helping Obama in his Presidency.
The crowd is listening and reacting mostly politely. The negative reaction to the mention of Gov. Palin is perhaps to be expected. It is a Chicago crowd and many women felt insulted by her approach thinking that she was portraying a sub-intelligent model of a woman. I disagree. I think she was doing her best with the hand and preparation she was dealt with. But I am certainly glad and relieved she is not a heartbeat away from the Presidency.
Obama's acceptance speech: will it be regarded as one of the great American Political Speeches? I think so. I happened to be chatting online with a young friend from the south who had bought into all of the McCain fear propaganda about Obama and was basically afraid of him. I understood her fear.
Obama does represent change. Real change and McCain set him up as the boogeyman for many Americans. Connecting him with terrorists. Calling him a socialist. Trying to make people thing a Christian was a Muslim. Making people suspicious about where his money was coming from in one of the first true grass roots fundraising campaigns in history.
Her fear was natural. In many ways, his speech was meant for her as much as it was for any of us. For the changes Obama wants to make, he wants a united America. A healed America. A Nation in which the divisive politics of fear in which people thing an African-american candidate can win only if stupid people, or poor people vote for him is one of the past.
In the end, she was willing to pray for Obama. That was a lot I think. I think some of the fear was gone. But her disappointment like the disappointment of many, was real and would not go in a day, or after one speech. Actions, not words will be the key for voters like her.
I found Obama's speech to be stirring and exactly right. It was thrilling. A call just like Kennedy's to action. A reminder of the work ahead, not waiting for his inaugural address, but to say off the bat, we need to be ready to work now for change, acknowledging the difficulty of the task ahead, setting the tenor of the administration. And the theme. "Yes, we can."
He quoted Lincoln, he sounded like King, he looked like Kennedy, he was change embodied. And his crowd was America. His audience in Chicago was every age and color, more women than men, more white than black, more young than old. Let's face it, you had to be willing to stand till 11 pm just to see him. That favors the young.
Yes, we can. And in the end, he warned our enemies and embraced our friends. A perfect speech I think. And he reminded us that the win was not his win, but a win for us, and that he now had to earn the job.
I think I'll like this President a lot more than the last few. If I don't, you'll be the first to know. Maybe the VP will give me some material...
Sometimes I write commentary and this is the time for commentary. I have been taking a little break, except for a brief review, and a joke or two, but now that the election is so close, I think it's time for me to say something definitive.
I've mostly just made fun of Bush. As comic, that's been fun. As the worst President in US history he's given me a lot of material. I hope not to have so much material with the next US president.
I am so upset, myself about the situation in this country, it's made it hard to write comedy lately, especially, given how hard things have been for Americans. Making fun of bear markets, foreclosures, students who can't pay for school have left a bad taste in my mouth.
The increasing rancor in this election has been even worse. I think if nothing else, that would have pushed me over the edge. Not since Nixon have we seen the kind of dirty tricks politics that I have been seeing in this election. Calling Obama a terrorist, allowing calls for his death. What decade is this, 1960? These kinds of things are unforgivable. I lived through the riots of the 1960's. The national guard was posted in a park one block away from my apartment when I was eight. I don't want to see a generation of the kids who are in high school right now, girls and boys now, drafted and sent to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Korea and Russia to die under McCain and that is the future I see.
I also see enormous hypocrisy on some of his key issues, the pro-life agenda for one. With all the years of Republican administrations there have been no effective pro-life programs funded that would really make a difference in creating wide-scale options to reduce the number of abortions because they were anti-Republican in nature. If they really cared about the issue the way they say they do, there could have been programs beyond abstinence. Programs for funding education for single mothers of children without husbands, programs for paying for hospital and day-care costs, programs for helping to expand adoptions services. Making abortion illegal was not the only way to go. Did they try to do anything like that. No. Not through Reagan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr. and we can darn well expect nothing of the like to happen with McCain either. Anyone who expects anything different is fooling themselves.
Why? Because the Republican Party is all about taking away options and not giving anything back. That's how I feel about it. Taking away scholarship options, taking away funding of transit, taking away anything that helps individuals.
I don't know what is going to happen in this election. I don't know what Obama is going to do. But I think he is our best chance for a recovering economy. Our best chance for peace. Our best chance for education and a hundred other issues. And yes, if you are a pro-life person who wants alternatives to abortion, I think he is your best chance to get them funded too. In fact, I think its now, or NEVER.
So, listen to what Retired General Colin Powell has to say. I was very impressed. He summarizes a lot of what I felt. I was very surprised that he bought into the Weapons of Mass Destruction debacle. I was pleased to hear him admit his mistake later. He's one of the few Republicans I would vote for, for President, because of his integrity and his clear sense of personal honor. I hope he gets Sec Def back.
And don't be offended by my political opinions. I respect yours. You have a right to them. Just don't expect me to approve any comments with hate in them. And to the military. I support you. I just wish you were home with your families. Tomorrow.
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part II Troubled by the "Muslim" issue when Obama is a Christian. The commitment and death of Muslim-American Soldiers in Iraq. His Endorsement for President, who he will vote for in the election. The William Ayers issue. Connecting Obama to Ayers is a "terrible stretch its demagogory".
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part III "It is not easy for me to disappoint Senator McCain in the way that I have this morning...I think we need a transformational figure, a transformational Change, and that's why I am supporting Senator Barrack Obama."
Got to say, there really hasn't been a campaign song in this election that has captured the hearts and minds of the electorate, until now.
But Ken and Dave changed all that with their song: Brain to Nowhere!
It's a campaign song for Sarah Palin and John McCain, and while I have already voted myself for Obama, I have to say that I can't help letting you know about this song, because, well, great art should be noted.
I know, I know, there is a risk that it could turn the election, but it's in the late days now and it's got a great beat, you can dance to it, so I give it a 95. You just have to hear it. Tell me what you think.
And you you gotta love their backup singers and that piano extro at the end.
You also have to love someone who can admit their candidates', um, liabilities, and love her anyway. So give this ditty a listen, but vote Obama if you haven't already.
And if you're in Illinois, vote no on the Illinois Constitutional referendum. There is a separate call about Blago. But opening up a call about the constitution is just an open invitation to rape teacher, policeman, fireman and other government worker pensions to pay for mismanaged policies of Ryan and his predecessors and wreak other untold havoc. We don't need it.
Here's that video!
And whoever you support.
VOTE!
Even if you are for McCain. I mean that. Don't be a candy *ss.
Stand up and be counted in this election. If you don't vote the politicians think you don't care and that is worse than my candidate not winning. I think.
Oh, and if you are a 1 issue candidate. Ask yourself if your candidates have done anything real for your issue while they were in office. They haven't have they. Nada. In fact, for a lot of issues. Obama is the only one likely to sign off on money that would help the people that would help support your issue. Think about it.
Now, don't forget to vote! (Hopefully, Obama/Biden).
I don't know about your household, but we got our George Bush Vote for The Republicans Stimulus Bribe Check last week. Oops, did I call it a bribe? Certainly not. A bribe would have to have a chance of working and who in their right mind would think that the paltry sums contained in the, as comedian Chevy Chase would have put it, economic stimulus (bribes) checks would be near enough to pay for the vast damage done to our economy my W.
I wouldn't even try to put a price tag on the lives lost fighting (trillions) in Iraq if I had my way, because the lives of those brave service woman and service men who died in the service of their country were priceless. The fact that they were sent there by a lying no good idiot does not demean the bravery and nobility of their service one tiny bit, nor the service of those there now.
Those in the service of our country are stuck with the commander in chief we vote for. Thankfully, both of the current candidates have to be far better than the current monkey in chief. Don't they. Well certainly Obama is. I have some trouble with McCain, but I don't think he is an idiot. No one could be as dumb as our fearless leader.
Perhaps I am being charitable by suggesting that W is in fact dumb. Perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all the way along. Frightening thought isn't it. Suppose where we are today, deeply in debt, gas prices at an all time high, trapped in an expensive and costly war with an ungodly number of dollars, are we up to $ trillions yet, spent on an ill focused war, exactly where W wanted us to be at the end of his administration?
Is this possible? Would it be legal? Would it be a violation of his oath of office to protect and defend the American Constitution? Would it even be, as some have suggested, be treason?
Thank God this is a blog of Satire and not some serious publication or scholarly news program like Fox TV where I might have to come up with facts to support such a supposition. You know that I have got to be kidding.
The President of these United States would never risk prison by doing such naught things. I mean, its not as if his successor would ever pardon him! Ha! That could Never happen! Nixon who? You mean that really happened once? You mean a President who was probably guilty of a few crimes resigned from the White House and then was issued a blanket pardon by his successor? Like wow. What was his name? Nixon?
Never heard of him. Oh, that's that dude that died awhile back. They made a movie about him once didn't they? Didn't Robert Redford play him? Or was it O.J. Simpson, I get confused about those older dudes.
(Satire, satire.)
So, I have a modest proposal, a 25% tax on the gross revenues of all companies doing business in Iraq, plus a 25% tax on all Oil Company gross revenues, with the proceeds to be divided equally between all taxpayers for the next 10 years or until our soldiers come back from Iraq for the former (including mercenaries), and gas prices drop until Oil company profits are under 5%, without exaggerated costs.
What's the justification?
It's in the national interest and in the interest of homeland security.
Oil and gas prices currently drive the cost of all other prices. The desire to make huge profits at our expense with a vital resource has been irresponsibly used at a time when we are at war. So, take control of the industry and give the money back to the taxpayers who have been paying through the nose for it. At least enough so that the industry will self-regulate itself.
Whatever you do this fall, don't base your vote on this stimulus bribe. It'll be gone in gas and grocery bills, long gone by November anyway.
And Don't forget to declare it on your 2008 income tax return. Since no taxes were deducted from it, it'll probably be a pretty big hit next April, long after the election is over.
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