Hard as it is to believe, the Peter Files Blog of Comedy has been, according to the video below, attacked and singled out on a variety of wild charges that we can't even believe he believes are true so are not going to dignify them with a response.
However, if Beck comes after someone as silly as us you might well ask, could you be next? Click on the link here to come back to the blog if this has been mailed to you, then click on the video link below.
What an outrageous video! You can see why we couldn't let it go by without comment.
Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!
Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.
According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.
The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.
It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)
Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.
It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.
However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.
Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.
Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.
The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.
Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.
Because of the Blagojevich stupidy-for-sale scandal, many in Illinois politics may be thinking about taking a quick trip out of the U.S., PERMANENTLY, so, I thought I might republish the link for you this easy wikiHow guide for How To Avoid Looking Like An American Tourist.
In these days when Americans are not always seen as popular overseas, though President-Elect Obama may be helping that image a bit now, fitting in is likely to be more important than before. So this could be timely whether you intend to escape to, er, visit, Argentina, Guatemala, Ireland, Blagoland, West-Ciceonia, or other places in the world you might like to visit. Notice I did not even hint at Sicily. Eh, Tony?
Here's one tip I didn't know. In other countries, ignore what Mom pounded into your head and use your left hand to use your fork. That's right, do what always felt natural all those years! Yes!
But, in general, to travel in other countries is going to mean more dressing up, giving up gym shoes and logos, wearing more black socks, and avoiding logos. Yup, looking like, THEM.
Well, that's the price of fitting in. But, as they say, when in Rome... That's the point isn't it? Learning about another culture by fitting in a bit. Learning a bit of the local patois, the lingo, and about the money, figuring out where you want to go first? That kind of stuff.
It's a pretty good article.
WikiHow's are Fun. Anyone can start one. I considered starting one called "HOW NOT TO APPOINT A REPLACEMENT UNITED STATES SENATOR" but I think between them Rob Blagojevech and Pat Fitzgerald have that material covered.
Wikiguides, are not always perfect, since anyone can start and edit them, but, they can be informative, with things you might not think of.
Ok, the Wiki-how link was supposed to transport the article to this blog in toto: here's what came:
Clearly something went wrong. Now it might be my fault. I have not updated to the new customized, easier to use "widget driven" version of blogger. I just have my own clunky code driven version that I have edited by hand over the years, so it's mine, but not perfect.
So, I've pasted the text in myself. Here goes. Since Wiki's are changed, you have to go to that site to get the updates. So do that. OK?
How to Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist
As an American traveling in a foreign country, the last thing you want to do is stand out like a sore thumb. Not only do you have a greater chance of getting sucked into tourist traps, but you're also a more obvious target for getting mugged or even kidnapped. So, are you aware of the things you do, say, and wear that make you look like the stereotypical tourist?
Steps Clothing Ditch the athletic shoes. White athletic shoes (otherwise referred to as tennis shoes, or sneakers) are stereotypically American. Any shoes that don't look like they were meant for exercise will suffice. If you do wear socks, make sure they're dark. Flip-flops are also very noticeable as American attire, unless you're in a country like Brazil where Havaianas reign, or Australia or New Zealand where the Brazilian flip-flops are also ubiquitous. Buy accessories at local stores, especially ones that you see the locals wearing, like scarves. Sometimes not wearing something could signal that you are a tourist. For example, in some countries, hats or scarves are worn by the majority, or, in winter, most people might wear neck scarves. Also, head scarves in some religious establishments. It would be wise to research this in advance and be prepared to take something with you if you plan to visit religious places. Avoid US brand name clothing with easily readable names (eg. Nike, Gap, Abercrombie, Patriotic, Texas A&M, etc.). In fact, don't wear any slogans (like "Virginia is for lovers") that will tie you to a specific place. Notoriously American brands are becoming more popular outside of the US due to globalisation, however, it's still a good idea to stick to non-slogan clothing.
Dress a little nicer than usual. Casual dress (wearing sneakers, sweatshirts, t-shirts, jeans, or shorts (especially athletic shorts) instead of slacks or skirts with shirts or blouses) is not as common outside the US. Jeans are not universally accepted as appropriate in all social situations. Take some pairs of trousers or slacks in lieu of jeans. And don't wear shorts, especially if you are a woman. Look around and see whether people tuck their shirts in, or leave them hanging out--sometimes this differs for men and women in the same country. Dress appropriately for the local weather. Shorts and a t-shirt in cool climates (or winter time) are a clear sign that you are not in touch with the local weather. Camouflage. What colors do the locals wear? Mostly black and other neutral shades, like in London, or bright, bold colors like in the Caribbean? Wear colors that you see the locals wearing. Your hot pink sweater vest or bright blue collared shirt might be fashionable in Minneapolis, but it won't fly in Budapest. Leave your baseball hats, backpack and water bottles at home
Food Take whatever condiments they give you. Requesting typical US condiments (ketchup, salt, pepper, etc.) is a sure giveaway that you are an American tourist. Use the typical condiments in your host country, and if you don't like them or can't bear to eat without your American condiments, bring your own. Take small packets with you to use rather than insisting that the restaurant supply you with it. Give up the ice. In many parts of the world, you will be served your drinks with little or no ice - much less than you're accustomed to in the US. Of course, if you want ice in your drink because that's how you prefer it and you're paying for it, you're perfectly entitled to ask for it...but the point of this article is to help you avoid being labeled as an American, and requesting ice is a definite giveaway, and be warned, the drinking water of some other countries aren't as safe as the water back at home... the water in the glass might be filtered, but the ice sometimes isn't, and with that you can get a bad case of food poisoning.
Eat local food. Many American tourists visit US chain restaurants for every meal, afraid to dabble in the local cuisine, but becoming a regular at the local McDonald's and Pizza Hut will tip everyone off that you're an American really quickly. Use local table manners. For example, in Europe, a fork and knife are used differently than in the US. In some Southeast Asian nations chopsticks might be more appropriate. Order like a local. In some countries, for instance, a salad is the last item served, not the first. In others, people don't eat what we in the US think of as a "salad". Don't request decaf unless you can see in the menu that it is offered. Don't ask for a seat in the "non-smoking" section, unless you already know there is one. Don't insist on drinking “Coke” with every meal.
Behavior Keep the map out of sight. Pulling out and looking at your map in a public space is a no-no. Study it before you leave your hotel, and if you do need to consult your map, step into a store or any other less public place. Have the maps pre-folded so they may be easily accessed and read. Same goes for other items:
If you must use a dictionary to translate a sign or menu, be discrete. For example, copy down the words of the sign and move aside to a less public place to work out the translation. Don't carry US newspapers, magazines or books in plain view.
Be quiet! Many Americans are recognized for being louder than is customary in other parts of the world. Large arm and hand movements and boisterous behavior should be avoided until you know how the locals act. Adults in many non-American cultures use lower voices in public places. Either way, you're always better off being a little more reserved and quiet, at least for starters, than blasting onto a foreign scene with your vitality and making the wrong impression.
Don't brag or be showy. When you pull things out of your bag in public to show your friends or family what you purchased, you might as well yell "I have money and I'm ready to spend it, unless you want to take it from me against my will!"
Avoid talking about the local people and culture. Something as seemingly harmless as "Oh, I just love the scarves here!" will mark you as a tourist. And don't assume people can't understand what you're saying, just because you said it in English. In many parts of the world, people are taught to speak English along with their native language.
Mind your personal space. Not every country is as "spacious" as the US (unless you're in New York City, where space is at a premium). When you're at a counter, for example, don't spread out your arms; when you're sitting down on the bus or train, don't stretch out your legs in a way that might get in someone's way.
(Don't put your) Hands in Pockets. If you are touring a religious place or a place of great national pride, it can be considered very disrespectful to have your hands in your pockets.
Don't chew a lot of gum. It's just not very common outside of the US, and even within the US, it's a breach of etiquette under some circumstances. Don't wear your camera around your neck. When traveling to a foreign country, you are bound to take pictures. However, having a camera strap and wearing it around your neck for easy access is a sure way to look like a tourist. If you can, keep it in a pocket or in a purse and pull it out when needed.
Try to speak the language. Why not try to make an effort to speak the local language? It's a sign of respect and appreciation of the local culture. Learn a few basic words like "Hello", "Please" and "Thank you". Nobody will mind if your accent is not perfect; the fact that you've been willing to speak their language, even when you could well have spoken yours, is a thing that many people appreciate in tourists.
Tips These are only guidelines. You can do whatever you want as a tourist, but this article outlines some things you might want to avoid doing if fitting in and avoiding unwarranted attention is a concern.
In the UK, most men wear closely-fitted, dark clothing. If you are visiting during winter months, a snugly-fitted jacket will help you blend in with the local crowd. Avoid baseball caps if possible.
If you are travelling alone, especially a woman, buy the local newspaper and keep it under your arm when walking, or open it if on a bus or train. Always buy a pair of local shoes - especially what people wear for comfort.
Warnings Don't wear a fanny pack. They make you a ridiculously easy target for pickpockets. A pickpocket could unzip the fanny pack and effortlessly take out the contents without you being aware.
If you look different (like if you have different color skin, or are more overweight or underweight than everyone else) people are going to think you're a tourist, or at least a foreigner, no matter what. But if you follow the steps above, hopefully they won't think you're a stereotypical American tourist, and they won't treat you as such.
It is best to wear your personal items such as money, ID, passport, credit card, etc. close to your body. You may not feel someone pulling objects out of your pocket. Inner pockets, or pockets on the front are easier to guard.
Don't hold your fork in your right hand. It makes Americans stand out from a distance no matter what they wear or which language they are speaking.
Related wikiHows How to Be Safe in a Foreign Country How to Travel Beyond the Tour Bus How to Travel With One Bag How to Get Cash when Traveling in Europe How to Travel to India—Native Style How to Travel Around the World
I hope you find this and other articles interesting. I know the last two months I have had less humor and more commentary and theater notices. There is a reason for that. My sense of humor is returning. Remember, with more than 650 posts, just hit the archives for lots of jokes on all kinds of topics, use the blue search box to find them.
Also, please support this blog by using the Amazon search box to do your Amazon holiday shopping!
Got to say, there really hasn't been a campaign song in this election that has captured the hearts and minds of the electorate, until now.
But Ken and Dave changed all that with their song: Brain to Nowhere!
It's a campaign song for Sarah Palin and John McCain, and while I have already voted myself for Obama, I have to say that I can't help letting you know about this song, because, well, great art should be noted.
I know, I know, there is a risk that it could turn the election, but it's in the late days now and it's got a great beat, you can dance to it, so I give it a 95. You just have to hear it. Tell me what you think.
And you you gotta love their backup singers and that piano extro at the end.
You also have to love someone who can admit their candidates', um, liabilities, and love her anyway. So give this ditty a listen, but vote Obama if you haven't already.
And if you're in Illinois, vote no on the Illinois Constitutional referendum. There is a separate call about Blago. But opening up a call about the constitution is just an open invitation to rape teacher, policeman, fireman and other government worker pensions to pay for mismanaged policies of Ryan and his predecessors and wreak other untold havoc. We don't need it.
Here's that video!
And whoever you support.
VOTE!
Even if you are for McCain. I mean that. Don't be a candy *ss.
Stand up and be counted in this election. If you don't vote the politicians think you don't care and that is worse than my candidate not winning. I think.
Oh, and if you are a 1 issue candidate. Ask yourself if your candidates have done anything real for your issue while they were in office. They haven't have they. Nada. In fact, for a lot of issues. Obama is the only one likely to sign off on money that would help the people that would help support your issue. Think about it.
Now, don't forget to vote! (Hopefully, Obama/Biden).
I don't know about your household, but we got our George Bush Vote for The Republicans Stimulus Bribe Check last week. Oops, did I call it a bribe? Certainly not. A bribe would have to have a chance of working and who in their right mind would think that the paltry sums contained in the, as comedian Chevy Chase would have put it, economic stimulus (bribes) checks would be near enough to pay for the vast damage done to our economy my W.
I wouldn't even try to put a price tag on the lives lost fighting (trillions) in Iraq if I had my way, because the lives of those brave service woman and service men who died in the service of their country were priceless. The fact that they were sent there by a lying no good idiot does not demean the bravery and nobility of their service one tiny bit, nor the service of those there now.
Those in the service of our country are stuck with the commander in chief we vote for. Thankfully, both of the current candidates have to be far better than the current monkey in chief. Don't they. Well certainly Obama is. I have some trouble with McCain, but I don't think he is an idiot. No one could be as dumb as our fearless leader.
Perhaps I am being charitable by suggesting that W is in fact dumb. Perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all the way along. Frightening thought isn't it. Suppose where we are today, deeply in debt, gas prices at an all time high, trapped in an expensive and costly war with an ungodly number of dollars, are we up to $ trillions yet, spent on an ill focused war, exactly where W wanted us to be at the end of his administration?
Is this possible? Would it be legal? Would it be a violation of his oath of office to protect and defend the American Constitution? Would it even be, as some have suggested, be treason?
Thank God this is a blog of Satire and not some serious publication or scholarly news program like Fox TV where I might have to come up with facts to support such a supposition. You know that I have got to be kidding.
The President of these United States would never risk prison by doing such naught things. I mean, its not as if his successor would ever pardon him! Ha! That could Never happen! Nixon who? You mean that really happened once? You mean a President who was probably guilty of a few crimes resigned from the White House and then was issued a blanket pardon by his successor? Like wow. What was his name? Nixon?
Never heard of him. Oh, that's that dude that died awhile back. They made a movie about him once didn't they? Didn't Robert Redford play him? Or was it O.J. Simpson, I get confused about those older dudes.
(Satire, satire.)
So, I have a modest proposal, a 25% tax on the gross revenues of all companies doing business in Iraq, plus a 25% tax on all Oil Company gross revenues, with the proceeds to be divided equally between all taxpayers for the next 10 years or until our soldiers come back from Iraq for the former (including mercenaries), and gas prices drop until Oil company profits are under 5%, without exaggerated costs.
What's the justification?
It's in the national interest and in the interest of homeland security.
Oil and gas prices currently drive the cost of all other prices. The desire to make huge profits at our expense with a vital resource has been irresponsibly used at a time when we are at war. So, take control of the industry and give the money back to the taxpayers who have been paying through the nose for it. At least enough so that the industry will self-regulate itself.
Whatever you do this fall, don't base your vote on this stimulus bribe. It'll be gone in gas and grocery bills, long gone by November anyway.
And Don't forget to declare it on your 2008 income tax return. Since no taxes were deducted from it, it'll probably be a pretty big hit next April, long after the election is over.
Point-Counter-Point: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
Welcome to Point-Counter-Point we have a huge and varied panel today and so I want to get right to our topic today and ask a question many Americans are asking:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! And by crossing the road he got the CHANGE that every American wants and will get by voting for me in November!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me, it's about all you chickens who can vote, and all you chickens who HATE the people who want to CHANGE the way you cross the road.......
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but w ill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Expl orer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
SIMON COWELL That has to be the worst performance by a chicken that I have ever seen. Get than thin legged little pullet out of here!
PAULA ABDUL Oh, look at the cute little chickee. Don't you just love it Randy? Simon? It just makes me want to cry? Simon, what's wrong? Where are you going with that hammer? No, No, NOOOOOOOO!
Once again, thanks to my friend MES for submitting this!
A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you:
I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .
And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.
I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.
Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.
But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!
If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way......
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems.
Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post, all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?
Mandatory free school busing in all school districts reduces parent auto drop-off and pick up use.
Methane collection vents in the top of all rib joints, firehouses and country bars.
Whether events are inside or outside, the use of mandatory portable wind-powered electricity generators at all political election events, fundraisers or debates.
Threaten oil-producing states with U.S. forced air broadcasts of The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, Menudo Concerts, The Cheetah Girls, Charlie's Angels, Miami Vice, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and 24-hour repeats of all Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview specials ever recorded on several open-air TV channels.
If they resist, threaten them with Richard Simmons exercise videos, Roseanne, Maude, and our secret weapon, Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
Require gas stations to give away a free bicycle after every $3,000 of gas purchased. (10 SUV fill-ups).
Mandatory 4-day work weeks in summers with 9 hour workday max (Mondays off? We all hate them anyway).
This will reduce work commute gas consumption by 20% in summertime when they soak us for high prices anyway. Threaten to do the same thing in winter when there is no sunlight to do anything fun anyway.
Downtown Parking Garages must give 40% discounts to those who arrive with 2 passengers before 9am. They collect signed forms to use for tax rebates to offset cost.
It's been a heck of a fight, and there have been a lot of things I did not like about it, but tonight's results show me, that even with CNN's projection that Clinton took Indiana, the 147 vote delegate count Obama lead still creates a hurdle that is too high for Clinton to breach between now and the end of the primaries.
America loves a fighter and a scrappy underdog. But if Clinton does not win the nomination and winds up dragging Obama through the dirt to try to get it, she risks being seen as the Ralph Nader of the 2008 political season. Of course, she could win. The Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox could also fight each other out in the World Series this year.
With all due respect, and respect is due, that it is time for Senator Hillary Clinton to end her campaign for President and begin her campaign for the Vice-Presidential nomination.
147 Delegates is too many. Democrats will not stand for a super-delegate win when the regular delegate vote puts Obama ahead. It would cause the same kind of disillusionment that the Party faced after the Gore vote theft defeat.
Her name will still be on the last ballots of course, but pulling out now will make her appear to be an actual uniter instead of a divider and at this time, this is what the Democratic Party needs. So think Ms. Clinton. Sometimes hubris isn't enough.
AND IF WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO FACE UP TO THE TRUTH AND ADMIT IT DURING AN ELECTION WHAT THE HECK SHOULD WE EXPECT YOU TO DO IN OFFICE?
After arguably eight years of the worst White House in human history, the Democratic Party MUST stop the infighting NOW and start working on the Presidential Campaign.
Ms. Clinton is an ideal VP candidate because she reaches the rest of the demographics that Obama does not. Looking at their vote totals from state to state they make an indomitable team. Clinton as VP will encourage Republican Woman crossover that will exceed whatever Male residual Clinton hating is left over.
They are both smart as hell, they both can work together. But the Dems always wait too long giving the Republicans a huge advantage when it comes to getting rolling for the fall.
Why do this?
Obama's lead might be mathematically possible to beat, but NC and enough of Indiana did not fall for the Rev. Wright "issue relevance" late election season scam that started somewhere.
No matter what or how it started, we now know enough about Senator Obama to see past whose Church he went to as an issue. It's not something that should be relevant as an election issue and we all know it.
That kind of thing died with the "Jack Kennedy will take orders from the Pope" lies from Nixon's campaign.
Americans LIKE Barack Obama. He's proven his electability to all but a few North-Shore Illinois Chicago Cubs Fans and they never give up.
We'll see what happens. But trying to "scandal" Obama some more isn't going to work, folks. Not while memories of Whitewater and that blue dress and other things it is not fair to taint Hillary with pop into mind when someone tries to stick something on Senator Obama.
What I really want of course is a great president. They are both capable. But I think the dems have spoken over all and think Obama is either better or a more winning Presidential candidate. At least given that Obama Girl does not look 35 yet.
I hope we get one.
But already I see signs of Republican scandal following the Bush Administration mistakes coming for maybe the next 8 years. So if we don't get some dems in now, once the do get in, they'll be in forever.
Or, maybe I've just been juggling cats too long tonight and am getting goofy. When looking for political commentary consider the source. Then again, maybe this humble comedy blogger is about as good as anyone else out there tonight.
According to an AP report cited on CNN today: "China's Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi left Thursday for a trip to Japan where he is expected to finalize details for a landmark official visit by China's President (Hu) early next month."
Peter Files Blog inexpert political souses have inferred from thin air that security arrangements for the Chinese President may include a surprise "Security Detail" of 5,000 tanks, 4,000,000 troops and an as yet undetermined lead-painted Thomas The Tanks Engine Red Trains.
When asked about the security arrangements by our Peter Files Blog China Desk Correspondent an unnamed spokesperson on the Chinese Delegate Staff had this to say:
Spokesperson: "Who you taking about?" Peter Files Blog: "That's Right, Hu." Spokesperson: "Who?" Peter Files Blog: "Hu!" Spokesperson: "He'll be coming to review." Peter Files Blog: "The new Hu review?" Spokesperson: "It may be a Zoo." Peter Files Blog: "We heard his security detail might include troops?" Spokesperson: "Whoops! Where did you get that idea, we no bring troops." Peter Files Blog: "Are you sure Hu's not bringing 4,000,000 troops?" Spokesperson: "This is a peaceful visit, who would bring troops on a peaceful visit? But Chinese exports include Hula Hoops! Peter Files Blog: "Hu's bringing hoops?" Spokesperson: "No hoops or troops! This peaceful visit! Peaceful!" Peter Files Blog: "Many Thanks." Spokesperson: "No, there will be no Tanks coming on this visit either!" Peter Files Blog: "Not Tanks, Thanks, many thanks for your time." Spokesperson: "No the rumor that President Hu's detail bring 5,000 tanks absolutely unfounded! You twist my words!" Peter Files Blog: "Who's detail?" Spokesperson: "You know who's detail, Hu's detail, the President's detail! President Hu's detail!" Peter Files Blog: "The President is Bush?" Spokesperson: "The President of China is not tired! He is full of energy! He does not need to bring army, I mean Security Detail to keep him awake." Peter Files Blog: "Not like the American President. I'm not sure if he's awake even when he's awake." Spokesperson: "Achoo!" Peter Files Blog: "There you go again. Who?"
After reviewing this transcript, the Peter Files Blog Regrets this article and has decided to re-classify it from news/commentary to political satire and humor and to consider getting a new China Desk. They tend to be expensive so we may just hire a new foreign correspondent instead.
Who?
We just don't know.
Any volunteers. You?
The Peter Files Comedy Blog Paranoia Squad asks, why is it that it was the RED trains that were lead painted?
Stop the drinking the 97 Octane Shots during Happy Hour at Stumpy's Truck Stop and Redneck Bar.
Get American Automakers to rethink that whole - "Naw, only geeks would buy electric cars" idea.
Slot machines and dice tables on all public buses and trains to build transit use and create homes for permanent moving craps games.
Baywatch Babes on all Transit Cards.
Cars to have solar panels and sails. Auto foredecks for bikini sunbathing still under debate. While this measure will slow traffic, it may cause accidents.
Give up on Pappy Reagan's idea of not aiding Transit Operations funding with Federal Operations Dollars. The idea to cut Federal Operating Existence was a terrible one then (late 1980's) and it is one now. The theory was that states would pick up the difference, but they did not, at least not in proportion to the funds that were eliminated. The difference in the Chicago region in the years since the cuts is well over a Billion Dollars and climbing.
So instead, our own federal Government drove millions of people off transit and into toxic emitting autos. Wonder if the auto industry lobbyists had anything to do with that idea?
Moving people in large urban areas to public transportation, preferably hydrogen buses, is an extremely cost-effective way, to reduce toxic emissions, reduce asthma causing smog, and reduce greenhouse gasses.
A Peter Files Blog of Comedy Reader has sent in the ultimate horror, a peep show nightmare.
Warning, the following picture is intended for mature audiences only. It is only in our civic duty to expose such corruption that we feel that we must expose this lurid behavior going on in the internet community!
Please protect your youth, your children, your young little people from such goings on! They should never know about such things. At least not until they are older.
And what about the example this sets for the little peeps, eh?
Oh, let my peeps go!
Thanks to my dear friend MES for helping to expose this danger to us all!
As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.
We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true. As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. Its your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not. True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.
Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign
10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort?
9 - Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?
8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?
7 - Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton - presuming a fall victory - to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function?
Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?
6 - Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).
5 - Is it true that one night during the Clinton Administration Hillary wandered into the war room under the White House during a supposed crises and caught Bill and the Joint Chiefs drinking and playing poker, and rather than getting mad she took a seat at the table and cleaned everyone out except the Navy cook who had come in to serve sandwiches and who split the last pot with her?
4 - Is it true that Thursday is "pantsuit day" for everyone on the campaign but that only Bill refuses to bow down to the pressure, which is why you never see him on the trail on Thursdays?
3 - Could it really be that Hillary's 'George W' given nickname is 'Tinkerbell', that no one knows why, and that the Senator's campaign staff is afraid to ask her about it?
2 - Is it possible that Hillary has a secret Taco Bell habit formed when that "cute little dog" was on all the commercials and that she thought it was funny because his English reminded her of W's?.
1 - Is the deepest darkest secret of the Hillary Clinton campaign: that to lock up at least one Presidential nomination, using Hollywood special effects makeup, Hillary is secretly running for President as John McCain with Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live masquerading as Cindy McCain? This could explain Tina Fey's strange outburst two weeks ago on SNL during weekend update!
Oh, how America wants to know the truth. Or do we?
Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.
Dateline Texas: Clinton Says Obama's Delegate "Lag" Sure to Decline After The March 4th Primaries/McCain Says Bush Deserves Sainthood
A woman who wished to be known as "Mystic Clinton", unofficial spokeswoman for "Hillary is Kool" a Texas Democratic Group with "at least 17 members" and who is, as far as we know, unrelated to the former first Lady and current Senator, said today to Peter Files Blog Insiders that "Obama's lag in the convention delegate race was "sure to decline after the March 4th primaries, especially in Texas."
When it was pointed out to "Ms. Clinton" that in fact, as of this date, Senator Obama was ahead by more than 100 delegates and that for a "lag to decline" meant that his lead would advance, Ms. Clinton corrected us.
"No, that doesn't account for the secret delegates."
When asked for more information about the secret delegates she referred to Ms. Clinton looked to her left and right and said, "Well, everybody knows about the secret delegates, they're the ones with all the special privileges at conventions. They get to dress up in silly outfits and play pranks and create disturbances and get hauled out by security and five minutes later they are right back in the hall dressed in their regular clothes because they have the special passes. They blend in with everyone else, and everyone knows them but when it comes time for the electronic voting, their votes cancel out the votes of ten other delegates."
When asked for evidence about these astounding charges, Ms. Clinton said, "Well shoot, everybody around here knows about secret delegates. The Republicans have had them for years. I think the Democrats just caught on more recent like. Now Senator Obama, he's a good man, but I think he's too new to have drafted himself any secret delegates and I think you have to have a bunch of them to win any nomination."
Seeking confirmation of this outlandish story we were only able to find one other person in Texas who had ever heard of "secret delegates"; that was "Bubba Sharif McCain" head of "Texas Republicans against change of any kind - George W. for a Third Term - Heah!" a self-proclaimed Republican fan club of uncertain membership.
"Confidentially speakin' I heard of secret delegates. There was some crazy lady in the other county, Marge something, at a political rally. She kept yellin and screamin about it the last two or three elections. But I don't pay talk like that no never mind. Not when I got something important to do, like getting George W. Bush elected to the President for a third term or if not that, Sainthood.
When we mentioned that third Presidential terms were prohibited by the Constitution of the United States and that to become a Saint you were normally required to be a Roman Catholic, Mr. McCain said, "Well don't that beat all, you'd think with all the miracles he performed they might make an exception for him!"
Miracles?
"Miracle one - goin into Iraq after those 911 terrorists who had them WMD's and Mission Accomplished so soon! I tell you that was inspiring!"
"Miracle two - there hasn't been a single commie threat while he has been in office of any kind, why those Russkies have been quiet as little mouses."
"Miracle three - Just look at Hurricane Katrina, why that whole darn city could have been washed away, gone forever, but look at it now, why I bet that its better, cleaner and happier than its ever been."
"Miracle four - Just look at our economy, why right here in town our McDonalds and Wal Mart always have jobs for people that want them. Why I remember when lotsa people were outa work and today, why lotsa folks have two jobs. One feller I know who just got married has three. If that ain't proof of a healthy economy, why I don't know what is."
"Miracle Five - Just look at how he's kept all those young GI's working and building up service time overseas. Why you know that's gonna look good when they come home looking for jobs, and you know, the only way to advance in the military is by seeing combat. Of course that's all over, Mission Accomplished, heh, heh."
"Lesse, Why the way he's led and inspired the whole Republican Party to follow his leadership in lock step behind him, voting his way right down the line. That's a true miracle. He did that here in Texas too. Why, I count at least six miracles right there.
At this point our correspondent decided that discretion was the better part of valor, though I told him that he just plain chickened out.
We note that like Ms. Mystic Clinton, Mr. Bubba Sharif McCain has no relatives running for office that we know of.
It need hardly be said that like any other item found on the Peter Files Blog of Comedy this Post Should Be Considered Devoid of Any Meaningful Information Whatsoever. This Post contains Political Satire. Resemblance to actual statements, person, organizations, delegates, or reality is entirely coincidental. However, I've said it just in case this gets picked off the internet by an intern at some small foriegn paper to save him/her from embarrassing himself with their editor.
I wholeheartedly recommend Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt for any teaching assignment that she should apply for.
After the months of hell she endured here at our school, I am absolutely convinced that there is no educational situation, including the United States Marine Corps, that Ms. Vanderbilt is not ready to handle.
None of the outright fiascos that occurred in our classroom during her required student teaching stint were her doing, in fact, she averted, spotted, or helped to avert each and every crisis and was especially adept at spotting the life-threatening ones, a valuable asset in a suburban first grade classroom like mine.
First the obvious, Ms. Vanderbilt is a natural teacher. When she opens her mouth, people naturally stop and listen to whatever she has to say. This is because she has the gift of only saying things that are worth saying, and that are relevant or important, such as, "Attention everyone! There is smoke billowing from the boy's bathroom, please line up as if the fire alarm has gone off as it will surely do any second."
Her keen nose got our first-graders to the far stairs just as the fire-alarm was pulled, by Ms. Vanderbilt. This was helpful as our classroom normally exited the building at the near stairs closest to the boy's room. For some God-awful reason the primary department is on the fourth floor of our school and so every second counted that day I can tell you.
Of course it was Kindergartners smoking in the boy's room again and dumping their stubs in the paper towel trash instead of the toilet. Of course, I can't name the family, but every school has one or two of them, we have about 10 of them due to overcrowding. Families I mean. Oddly, only the youngest in two families started smoking without the eldest knowing about it. I believe they have stopped smoking now. Their casts should come off sometime next month.
Ms. Vanderbilt was also very helpful at spotting trouble and danger at our field trip to the ****** County Monster Truck Rally and Gun Show. Personally, I think this kind of event is a little bit much for first graders but until I can get myself onto the Local School Council I don't have much say in which grades get to go to this. At least they keep the Kindergarteners out of the gun show!
Once again we had trouble with a couple of kids who got antsy during the Giant T Jump and Roll Competition, a few of our boys were running around hitting each other with their new (empty) rifles and chased each other onto the track!
Well! I never saw a student teacher move so fast in my life. Ms. Vanderbilt just about leaped out onto that track, leapt out in front of the T-N-T Lizard of Doom Doom Doom before it squashed Toby and Maxie flat, and had them back in their seats before I even knew they were gone.
The boys were upset that their new rifles got squished into the mud, but what can you say? They shouldn't have had them on the track in the first place! Ms. V. also managed to stop a few of the Kindergartners from buying flame-throwers at the gun show. Guess which ones? Don't know how they slipped by their teacher! I'm sure they would have been caught getting off the bus back at school, don't you think?
Ms. V. has also proved to be very good at disarming parents without seeming to touch them. I swear, I saw a parent going after Mr. Nova the science teacher and Ms. V. was standing nearby and that parent just stumbled and fell flat on his face all by his self. No one knows how it happened and we were all looking right at him! The only thing we are all sure of is that Ms. V. didn't move one single muscle.
Ms. V. is a very healthy person, she has encouraged all the kids to exercise and even led a gymnastics club on our field this fall after school. Even some of the teachers joined in. The kids loved it. She brought her boom box and they exercised to songs that were lots of fun. The kids who took part were in a lot better shape and even kept it up after she left. Funny thing, those kids used to get picked on a lot, and they don't at all anymore.
Ms. V. is great in the classroom, knows all the new teaching theories, is great with centers, knows how to evaluate students, do Dibbles testing, and is up on her Fontis and Parnell. The kids love her read-alouds and her lesson plans were letter perfect.
She also had great fashion sense. The kids especially liked it when she wore her purple beret. It was very stylish, very military-like. But don't worry, she is not a forceful or angry person. I have never seen anyone so calm or in control of herself. True to her name, Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt, is as sweet as they come in the classroom and all the kids felt very safe coming to her with their concerns. Sometimes I even wonder how she got through life staying so sweet with a name like that, you'd think she would have been teased to death and compensated for it. But not Ms. V.
If you have any other questions, please feel free to call me at the number above,
Jamie-Lynn Marie Violetta Ashbury-Diamagioletto First Grade Teacher, The Charleton Heston School of ***** County, ******
I once used to hire and supervise student intern. Part of the job was writing recommendation letters. I did not work in education, but a story a friend of mine told me made me wonder about what a bizarre student-teacher recommendation might look like and the odd twists and turns the story took got very far away from just having to write a letter of recommendation for someone super.
Naturally, the latest news about the younger Ms. Spears deciding to move back to Louisiana crept in at the last minute to influence the mentor teacher's name. Please be assured that this bit was NOT written with the Great State of Louisiana in mind. After all, Texas would be so much more likely, or North Carolina, or Alabama, or maybe even Illinois? LOL
Remember - if you take this stuff seriously you are missing the point! Oh, Good luck to anyone caught up in grown up problems too soon. Whatever they are. From life's difficulties comes character - if you face them head on.
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.
Nothing is wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate freedom? What is your IP address? We can get it from your internet provider you know.
If it is small enough we can do a Whois and know exactly who you are. Then get a picture from our spy satellites.
The Peter Files Blog News Network (Pentagon, 0035hrs) The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Using special redneckified weapons, rations and tactics, the USRSF are expected to bring "A whole lotta whuppin' to the region" according to inside souses in the Pentagon and the Bush White House.
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
"Unlike your normal GI, your USRSF member, has special ASSets for sitting still and lying in weight for enemy combatants, especially when supplied with supercooled supplies of carb-loaded Top-Secret energy drinks code named JD, WT101, PBR and even cases of hard to find BillyB which are completely unavailable to most of these Talibanistas. Heck, given these secret fluids, we hardly need food ner even blood to survive in most any environment. And it righteously improves our shootin'," says a Commander in a newly formed Unit, so secret it does not even have a name or number, though all have a tatoo of a certain redhead on their arms showing a great deal of anatomically correct detail.
"Heah, since the tatoo shows enough of our favorite gal to get us killed on sight, we know we got no option but to fight to the bottom, er, end. Of course, other units got other girls, Paris, Britney, Natlie, Lindsey's just our girl. Did I say Lindsey? Forget that, it should be classified, I think. Anyhoo, we got us some special weapons for I-ran and we gonna get them good! Hooyah!"
"Iraq? Right. Wherever. I just like to shoot. Geography was never my strong point. Just point me and my boys and we go."
With attitudes like these, Pentagon analysts are sure that the war will be over in "...less time than it took former Governor Huey P. Long to build a bridge, a hospital, and the Louisiana State Highway System, that is, about three weeks."
-30-
Hope you liked this one!
If this doesn't get comments, nothing will.
Thanks Tom B. for the Photo and the kernal that started this post.
This post dedicated to "The Marvelous TR, Redneck though and through, one of the kindest and best men I ever knew." Despite public jokes to the contrary, he was NOT a fan of the Greatful Dead...
Chicago - Peter Files Press International: Man With Back Injury Slips on Soapy Foot and Injures Toe, Eenie, Meenie and Miney Unavailable For Comment
Um, that would be me!
If only I had had a camera running. My left leg fell completely under my upper leg.
My foot was so slippery there was no resistance.
My left big toe tried to stop it all and got twisted back.
My right arm tried to forestall my descent through the bathroom doorway to the vinyl floor of the kitchen at 32 feet/second squared and failed pulling the toe in the opposite direction that nature intended and causing a gash in my right arm.
Yippie, yappie, yahoooie.
I need to visit Dr. Jack. When he gives me a shot I usually drop it in a beer, follow it with a beer or have the shot in an Ice cold Coca-Cola. But I haven't seen Dr. Jack in a long time, sigh.
Well, we'll see if I have to go to the emergency room tomorrow.
In the mean time, I suppose if I have to, I could get bewitched and settle for a call from Dr. Bombay, preferably with a little 7-Up or tonic.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
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The Poor Cubs Are Dead An Original Parody By PJF To by sung to Oklahoma!'s"Pore Judd is Daid" By Rodgers and Hammerstein
Corrected 10/7/2007
The Poor Cubs Are Dead And down hang their heads Another season ends in despair
We thought they had a chance But the Diamondbacks offence Wiped us out in three straight games fair.
Poor Cubs, Poor Cubs, Poor Us, spending up to 2000 bucks.
The Poor Cubs are dead The Pennant race in shreds No more games till next spring lie ahead
Till then we have to weep Our Spirits they must seep As Sox fans rub '05 in once again.
Holy smoke, we're a joke And yet our spirits aren't quite broke Perhaps we aren't insane Long as we've got that goat to blame 'Cause Bartman doesn't stand the test of time.
The poor Cubs are dead But next season lies ahead And we drink so much that we will soon forget, soon forget That this year's little miss Was just short of Heaven's bliss As we root, root, toot the Cubbies once again.
Poor Cubs, Poor Cubs That's what they get for not being on regular TV.
Copyright 2007 by PJF and the Peter Files Blog all rights reserved.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
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