Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!
Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.
According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.
The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.
It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)
Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.
It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.
However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.
Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.
Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.
The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.
Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.
At 1:43 pm Local Time an earthquake was reported by Emily Zielke head of the Proyecto Huertos Escolares/ School Garden Project: Lago Atitlan, Guatemala in San Pedro La Laguna, Guatemala, with a serious aftershock at 1:45 pm local time.
Zielke, a recent graduate of a double MA program at American University (Natural Resource Management/ Sustainability and International Development), reported that many residents were running around in consternation but had seen no damage so far.
The Proyecto Huertos Escolares/ School Garden Project: Lago Atitlan, Guatemala has been designed to assist local schools meet the unfunded demands of feeding children in local schools as well to improve the quality of the food grown.
I'm hoping that the lack of information about injuries and deaths so far is a sign that the earthquake early this morning resulted in none.
An Earthquake hit the State of Illinois according to the USGS at 4:36 Central Standard time with an Epicenter in far downstate Illinois with a Magnitude of 5.2 (revised at 10:51) on the Richter Scale.
At the time I was having trouble sleeping. This is not unusual. Chronic pain sufferers endure sleep problems. So I was awake when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. Suddenly, I had this odd sensation like someone else had entered the room from behind me, which happened to be SSSE the direction of the quake's epicenter from my home in Chicago.
The lights were off in my bedroom so I turned them on, but no one was there.
Suddenly there was an odd feeling of pressure, as if our 1880 frame house was feeling a strong breeze.
I then realized the pressure had a rhythmic quality and I had trouble figuring out what it was for perhaps a second and then it hit me, the odds were strong that I was feeling a low magnitude earthquake!
I had a flash sense that it had to be from the Missouri Fault Line - I think that's what it is called - which runs on a line through or just south of Southern Illinois From Missouri to Kentucky or Ohio. CNN probably has the details out by now.
That gave me a flash worry about people who I knew from St. Louis who I knew from Spring Hill College, many of whom I had not seen for 28 years Jim, Bill, Karen, Mary Sue, Carl's family (I think Carl is in Toronto now) - all their families - even some I had seen more recently, like Vinny.
That took me about a microsecond after realizing that it was an earthquake.
In another instant I debated waking the others in the house: was that an increase in the quake's intensity?
Then I felt some actual movement or swaying in the house. The ceiling fan above me had begun to sway just a little and I could feel a bassy vibration through the floor through my socks. Not enough for real swaying of the house, but enough to know that something was there. Kind of like the subway running by underground. Of course, we don't live over the subway, and this was a lot more powerful.
This feeling was probably a component wave of the earthquake as it spread in all directions from either the surface above the origin of the quake, or the actual underground source, but unlike that actual shaking you would feel much closer to the quake, was more like the thump-thump-thump base of the speakers that you might feel through the walls of your dorm from a band in the quad.
But this thump was slow. Earthquakes must have a very low frequency a long distance away. But not too low. There was a vibrato in the thicker vibrations that I felt coming up through the floor. I'm taking a long time to describe something that only took seconds to experience.
No - I stayed put - it seemed that what I was feeling was as much as we were going to feel. This time.
The richter scale is a scale where each digit is geometrically higher than the one above it. So a 6 on the scale is a lot stronger than a 5, and a 7 is a whole lot stronger than a 6. And no one wants to be anywhere near an 8 or 9.
Living in the Beverly Hills neighborhood of Chicago, which is just west of the I-57/I-94 split, that is on the far southwest side, the fact that this quake could be felt here means that it must have been a doozy downstate. Not enough to bring down all the houses, better watch the news to make sure, but let's hope that this is a tension relief earthquake that gets us by for a few decades and is not the precursor to something a lot stronger.
I hate to think like this, but in the buying wood or buying brick house debate, I'm glad I'm living in a wood house right now. They flex better in earthquakes. But it looks like I might just need to check out the fine print in my homeowners insurance right about now.
I predict increased interest in earthquake insurance in the Midwest, if we can get it.
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