Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!
Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.
According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.
The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.
It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)
Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.
It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.
However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.
Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.
Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.
The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.
Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.
These hits are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face..
Johnny Nash I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And an all time favorite:
Willie Nelson On the Commode Again.
The above came from Mary Ellen, one of our best regular contributors. Remember, you can be a contributor to, just send a joke in a comment, or in an email to thepeterfilesblog @ gmail.com just take out the spaces around the @ sign to make the address work.
Of course, I could not see something like that, without trying to come up with a few of my own.
Andrew Lloyd Weber Alzheimer Cat Memories? What?
Elton John Benny at the Vet's (Admin.)
Robert Palmer Doctor, Doctor, Gave me the news, I've got a bad case of Diabetes II. No cake, not Ice Cream too, I've got a bad case of Diabets II.
I lost my license, Now I Trike it. Katy Perry
No, No, I don't like your health plan! No, No, I don't need no prunes nor plain bran! Avril Lavine
I Woke Up Again This Morning The Partridge Family
Somewhere, I left my Glasses in the House Wizard of Oz
Drive Very Slow on the Road Wizard of Oz
Lost in the Big Box Store Alice Cooper
The Curse of No Name I'm sitting in the Doctor's can't remember my name and the kids want to declare me insane They want the condo in, where was that now If I don't think, it's nursing room chow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, Ow, ow, ow...
America
It's My Party, I Can Nap if I Want To You'd zonk out too, if you were old as me. Leslie Gore (OK, I admit, this one is derivative)
Feeling Moody Simon & Garfunk
Bad Knees, Food Stamps and Fleas Cher
That's enough silliness for now. Happy Thanksgiving!
Got to say, there really hasn't been a campaign song in this election that has captured the hearts and minds of the electorate, until now.
But Ken and Dave changed all that with their song: Brain to Nowhere!
It's a campaign song for Sarah Palin and John McCain, and while I have already voted myself for Obama, I have to say that I can't help letting you know about this song, because, well, great art should be noted.
I know, I know, there is a risk that it could turn the election, but it's in the late days now and it's got a great beat, you can dance to it, so I give it a 95. You just have to hear it. Tell me what you think.
And you you gotta love their backup singers and that piano extro at the end.
You also have to love someone who can admit their candidates', um, liabilities, and love her anyway. So give this ditty a listen, but vote Obama if you haven't already.
And if you're in Illinois, vote no on the Illinois Constitutional referendum. There is a separate call about Blago. But opening up a call about the constitution is just an open invitation to rape teacher, policeman, fireman and other government worker pensions to pay for mismanaged policies of Ryan and his predecessors and wreak other untold havoc. We don't need it.
Here's that video!
And whoever you support.
VOTE!
Even if you are for McCain. I mean that. Don't be a candy *ss.
Stand up and be counted in this election. If you don't vote the politicians think you don't care and that is worse than my candidate not winning. I think.
Oh, and if you are a 1 issue candidate. Ask yourself if your candidates have done anything real for your issue while they were in office. They haven't have they. Nada. In fact, for a lot of issues. Obama is the only one likely to sign off on money that would help the people that would help support your issue. Think about it.
Now, don't forget to vote! (Hopefully, Obama/Biden).
A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you:
I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .
And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.
I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.
Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.
But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!
If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way......
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems.
Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post, all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?
As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.
We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true. As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. Its your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not. True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.
Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign
10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort?
9 - Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?
8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?
7 - Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton - presuming a fall victory - to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function?
Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?
6 - Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).
5 - Is it true that one night during the Clinton Administration Hillary wandered into the war room under the White House during a supposed crises and caught Bill and the Joint Chiefs drinking and playing poker, and rather than getting mad she took a seat at the table and cleaned everyone out except the Navy cook who had come in to serve sandwiches and who split the last pot with her?
4 - Is it true that Thursday is "pantsuit day" for everyone on the campaign but that only Bill refuses to bow down to the pressure, which is why you never see him on the trail on Thursdays?
3 - Could it really be that Hillary's 'George W' given nickname is 'Tinkerbell', that no one knows why, and that the Senator's campaign staff is afraid to ask her about it?
2 - Is it possible that Hillary has a secret Taco Bell habit formed when that "cute little dog" was on all the commercials and that she thought it was funny because his English reminded her of W's?.
1 - Is the deepest darkest secret of the Hillary Clinton campaign: that to lock up at least one Presidential nomination, using Hollywood special effects makeup, Hillary is secretly running for President as John McCain with Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live masquerading as Cindy McCain? This could explain Tina Fey's strange outburst two weeks ago on SNL during weekend update!
Oh, how America wants to know the truth. Or do we?
Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" When he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!" (You're gonna love this....)
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
I wholeheartedly recommend Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt for any teaching assignment that she should apply for.
After the months of hell she endured here at our school, I am absolutely convinced that there is no educational situation, including the United States Marine Corps, that Ms. Vanderbilt is not ready to handle.
None of the outright fiascos that occurred in our classroom during her required student teaching stint were her doing, in fact, she averted, spotted, or helped to avert each and every crisis and was especially adept at spotting the life-threatening ones, a valuable asset in a suburban first grade classroom like mine.
First the obvious, Ms. Vanderbilt is a natural teacher. When she opens her mouth, people naturally stop and listen to whatever she has to say. This is because she has the gift of only saying things that are worth saying, and that are relevant or important, such as, "Attention everyone! There is smoke billowing from the boy's bathroom, please line up as if the fire alarm has gone off as it will surely do any second."
Her keen nose got our first-graders to the far stairs just as the fire-alarm was pulled, by Ms. Vanderbilt. This was helpful as our classroom normally exited the building at the near stairs closest to the boy's room. For some God-awful reason the primary department is on the fourth floor of our school and so every second counted that day I can tell you.
Of course it was Kindergartners smoking in the boy's room again and dumping their stubs in the paper towel trash instead of the toilet. Of course, I can't name the family, but every school has one or two of them, we have about 10 of them due to overcrowding. Families I mean. Oddly, only the youngest in two families started smoking without the eldest knowing about it. I believe they have stopped smoking now. Their casts should come off sometime next month.
Ms. Vanderbilt was also very helpful at spotting trouble and danger at our field trip to the ****** County Monster Truck Rally and Gun Show. Personally, I think this kind of event is a little bit much for first graders but until I can get myself onto the Local School Council I don't have much say in which grades get to go to this. At least they keep the Kindergarteners out of the gun show!
Once again we had trouble with a couple of kids who got antsy during the Giant T Jump and Roll Competition, a few of our boys were running around hitting each other with their new (empty) rifles and chased each other onto the track!
Well! I never saw a student teacher move so fast in my life. Ms. Vanderbilt just about leaped out onto that track, leapt out in front of the T-N-T Lizard of Doom Doom Doom before it squashed Toby and Maxie flat, and had them back in their seats before I even knew they were gone.
The boys were upset that their new rifles got squished into the mud, but what can you say? They shouldn't have had them on the track in the first place! Ms. V. also managed to stop a few of the Kindergartners from buying flame-throwers at the gun show. Guess which ones? Don't know how they slipped by their teacher! I'm sure they would have been caught getting off the bus back at school, don't you think?
Ms. V. has also proved to be very good at disarming parents without seeming to touch them. I swear, I saw a parent going after Mr. Nova the science teacher and Ms. V. was standing nearby and that parent just stumbled and fell flat on his face all by his self. No one knows how it happened and we were all looking right at him! The only thing we are all sure of is that Ms. V. didn't move one single muscle.
Ms. V. is a very healthy person, she has encouraged all the kids to exercise and even led a gymnastics club on our field this fall after school. Even some of the teachers joined in. The kids loved it. She brought her boom box and they exercised to songs that were lots of fun. The kids who took part were in a lot better shape and even kept it up after she left. Funny thing, those kids used to get picked on a lot, and they don't at all anymore.
Ms. V. is great in the classroom, knows all the new teaching theories, is great with centers, knows how to evaluate students, do Dibbles testing, and is up on her Fontis and Parnell. The kids love her read-alouds and her lesson plans were letter perfect.
She also had great fashion sense. The kids especially liked it when she wore her purple beret. It was very stylish, very military-like. But don't worry, she is not a forceful or angry person. I have never seen anyone so calm or in control of herself. True to her name, Ms. Honeysuckle Sweetpea Vanderbilt, is as sweet as they come in the classroom and all the kids felt very safe coming to her with their concerns. Sometimes I even wonder how she got through life staying so sweet with a name like that, you'd think she would have been teased to death and compensated for it. But not Ms. V.
If you have any other questions, please feel free to call me at the number above,
Jamie-Lynn Marie Violetta Ashbury-Diamagioletto First Grade Teacher, The Charleton Heston School of ***** County, ******
I once used to hire and supervise student intern. Part of the job was writing recommendation letters. I did not work in education, but a story a friend of mine told me made me wonder about what a bizarre student-teacher recommendation might look like and the odd twists and turns the story took got very far away from just having to write a letter of recommendation for someone super.
Naturally, the latest news about the younger Ms. Spears deciding to move back to Louisiana crept in at the last minute to influence the mentor teacher's name. Please be assured that this bit was NOT written with the Great State of Louisiana in mind. After all, Texas would be so much more likely, or North Carolina, or Alabama, or maybe even Illinois? LOL
Remember - if you take this stuff seriously you are missing the point! Oh, Good luck to anyone caught up in grown up problems too soon. Whatever they are. From life's difficulties comes character - if you face them head on.
The Poor Cubs Are Dead An Original Parody By PJF To by sung to Oklahoma!'s"Pore Judd is Daid" By Rodgers and Hammerstein
Corrected 10/7/2007
The Poor Cubs Are Dead And down hang their heads Another season ends in despair
We thought they had a chance But the Diamondbacks offence Wiped us out in three straight games fair.
Poor Cubs, Poor Cubs, Poor Us, spending up to 2000 bucks.
The Poor Cubs are dead The Pennant race in shreds No more games till next spring lie ahead
Till then we have to weep Our Spirits they must seep As Sox fans rub '05 in once again.
Holy smoke, we're a joke And yet our spirits aren't quite broke Perhaps we aren't insane Long as we've got that goat to blame 'Cause Bartman doesn't stand the test of time.
The poor Cubs are dead But next season lies ahead And we drink so much that we will soon forget, soon forget That this year's little miss Was just short of Heaven's bliss As we root, root, toot the Cubbies once again.
Poor Cubs, Poor Cubs That's what they get for not being on regular TV.
Copyright 2007 by PJF and the Peter Files Blog all rights reserved.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
When you've been unemployed for two and a half years, it may not be the greatest idea in the world to excitedly bring home and tell your wife how excited you were to find the computer version of Monty Python's A Complete Waste of Time in the bargain bin.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
I hit "Next Blog" and happened to come across an article on The Carpetbagger Report which criticized NewsMax, a politically conservative news magazine that reportedly pulled uber-gushingly flattering remarks about Ann Romney's appearance, after criticism about the unbalenced nature of those remarks started appearing in the media. They noted that this happened not long after publishing similarly gushing comments about Mitt's "Sensational Good Looks".
The Carpetbagger Journal described the covert changes, NewsMax did not tell its readers of the changes in the story, it just made the gushing words go puff in the intermist, as "unethical".
Of course, one has to wonder, if a publication is not actually publishing News, per se, is it held to the standards of journalism?
However, all this is not the real reason for this post, amusing as it might be to make fun of such Republican love-fest antics.
In the comments to the post, a brilliant reader known only as "Former Dan" wrote a brilliant musical parody that captures the essence of the struggle. I apologize that the attribution did not go into the "Clipped" version, I have to figure out how to edit that today.
Oh Romney, you’re so fine, You’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Romney! Hey Romney!
Hey Romney!!!
You’ve been around all issues, And that’s a little spun. I think you’ve got the right, And you think you’ve got it wrong. Why can’t you stay on topic But u can take my vote, Romney! Please take my vote Romney!
Cuz when you say you do, It always means you don’t. The hair givin’ me the chills, Baby please, baby don’t! Every night you spin Leave me all alone, Romney!
Oh Romney, what a pity, You don’t understand! You take me by the heart And you take me by the hand! Oh Romney, you’re so pretty Why can’t you understand? It’s guys like you, Romney! Oh, what you do, Romney Do, Romney, Don’t break my heart, Romney!
Oh Romney, you’re so fine, You’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Romney! Hey Romney!
It seems to me that The Carpetbagger Journal is making its own hint about whether NewsMax is actually a news source when it says:
"So, read NewsMax: the Tiger Beat of the 2008 Republican Primary."
The Disclosure That Should Not Be Needed: The Peter Files Blog is NOT a news source nor journalism of any kind. As such we reserve the right to update content as needed to maximize humor impact. This is especially true in the case of spelling, typing, and items of wit that occur to us at any moment in time. This is not good journalism, it is however a good reason for you to check back here from time to time just in case things have gotten funnier or at least clearer since last time. Though we make a good faith effort to get it right the first time.
If we make a major change, something really, really big, we usually do say something somewhere. But it is more likely that we will re-write it completely and pass it off as new stuff. This is the true advantage of a comedy, satire, parody blog over journalism - we do not have to have any relationship to reality because people don't expect what they read here to be true. Also in our favor is that most changes happen within 20 minutes of publication because sometimes the publish button gets hit instead of Draft. Hey, they are right there next to each other! In fact, in the first version of this post, Mitt's name was spelled Mitch, can you believe that? Ha, ha, ha, what a loser that author must be! Oh, right. It was me. Sorry, I'd change what I just wrote, but, I mean, given the flavor of this article, where DO I draw the line, right? Oh, thanks Peter, he says to draw it right under his name.
As The International School of Blog Repair became more popular, we realized that many of our students were using their high salaries from blog repair to go skiing, but found that many facets of skiing, unlike blog repair, were not intuitively obvious to the casual observer.
With that in mind we have culled the experiences of our top Blog Repair School Instructors, some of our best graduates, and other internet resources to provide this free guide for those who contemplate taking up skiing next season.
We strongly feel that the key to success in any undertaking is preparation and so we offer this guide to those who have always wanted to ski like a pro, but have never had the time to learn. Going to a ski resort and learning there is incredibly expensive. But what if you could learn years of lessons in the year before you went up? Why you would save perhaps thousands of dollars and years of time.
You might ask, why would we do such a thing? Offer a valuable program like this for free?
First, we want to serve our own Instructors and Graduates. Somehow, those attracted to Blog repair are also attracted to rugged high adventure activities such as skiing, skydiving, scuba diving, and doing their laundry at laundry bar cafes. Who knew?
Next, we are pretty much absolutely unqualified to give out this kind of advice. Skiing seems to make sense to us, so we offer this course to you on a "take this advice completely at your own risk basis".
We feel this is fair because skiing is also a take this at your own risk sort of enterprise and you are free at anytime to say nope - that's just crazy.
Finally, since people who wind up being graduates of our International Blog Repair School tend to like skiing, we hope the reverse is true and that you will consider enrolling there. In the words of the nearly immortal Stan Lee, "Nuff said".
The International School of Skiing Instruction Unqualified Guide to Preparation for Skiing A Jump Start to Learning to Ski For Next Season Follow this Advice At Your Own Risk It was composed by utter Morons For the Benefit of Future Skiers Please make The International School of Blog Repair or The Peter Files Blog Your New Insurance Policy Beneficiaries Before You Start Skiing
Now that spring is here, it is s time for potential new skiers to start getting ready for next year's skiing season. I'm not kidding, you'll need the time. Before you know it, next season will be here. You will need lots of preparation to be ready for your first season on the slopes, hence, the following list of helpful exercises to get you prepared.
As far as we can tell, never having skied ourselves, these are THE definitive exercises for those who wish to truly prepare for an aggressive skiing season; ignore them at your peril for they will prepare you both physically and psychologically:
20. Forget that image of the broken-legged skier in the lodge, soaking up the flames and the babes. Once you are lame, they consider you as a lame candidate for romance, unless your watch is a Rolex or better and your car is a Ferrari: they know the difference between the real thing and a knock-off.
You might as well destroy and wardrobe from Sears, Kmart, or Target it this is your plan. Also, there are pictures of all the phony casts made by zip on, zip off cast manufactures in the ladies rooms, so you can forget that angle. A few even have portable x-ray machines stashed in their large purses which they sometimes use to examine more than leg damage! I would explain more but the editor has restrained me from exposing their full tactics as this is supposed to be a safe for family blog.
19. Build a permanent ladder up to the roof of your house. Build a series of rollers down to the ground along one side so that you can practice from rooftop. Important: Your artificial slope MUST extend beyond the ground at the base of your house for at least fifteen feet or an inconvenience will occur that will not be that dissimilar to inconveniences you will experience regularly on the slopes your first few days or weeks depending on your physical strength and agility. Do not try the cross-ski method of stopping on this test slope. It will not work and may lead to significant unplanned vertical lift and descent with added rotation and momentum upon landing.
18. Read the posts on skiing forums that describe different skiing resorts, their facilities, and their training facilities for new skiers. Try to stay away from resorts that cater solely to untrained snow bunnies as these will be too crowded and thus hazardous for your first time efforts. Ignore warnings about dangerous slopes, the lack of easy slopes, and killer descents as these warnings are primarily designed to keep the real snow bunnies away.
Even though this will be your first season on skis, you will not be a snow bunny: You will have completed these exercises making you vastly more prepared for the skiing season. It is worth noting the dates for something called "avalanche season". It is better to avoid skiing in the middle of this time period. Though very scenic snow events can be seen from the safety of the snow lodge at the beginning an end of the season. Be sure to be uphill of the snow lodge during these periods.
17. It is now time to begin serious pre-season conditioning in earnest. This will be challenging. But remember, as with the rugged training given to sword masters of old, while painful, each of these exercises is meant to prepare you and condition your body for the experiences and trauma you may experience on the slopes. Your fist task will be to learn how to roller blade with ski poles until you are skilled enough to grab a woman's purse without being stopped by her boyfriend. Then you must add $50 to the purse, and ski by again to return it without getting caught by said boyfriend or arrested. You must select a girl with a beefy boyfriend and it is wise to pick someone who appears to be unarmed, at least at first. As you get better at this exercise, increase the degree of difficulty by adding a note "Thanks for last night, you were great!" to the cash, and come by a third time after the note has been opened and read and grab a kiss. This will teach you some basics of skiing, the cost of skiing, and the physical cost of making a mistake. It may also get you a new girlfriend. This last possibility may be far more expensive than taking up skiing--you have been warned.
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Then wear them again for an hour or until you lose feeling in one or both hands. Remember not to do heavy work like hammering if your hands seem frozen. While your gloves are being iced up again slowly warm your hands up to avoid gangrene and loss of fingers.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. The mark it leaves will be very similar to the mark left on the head of a skier who passes out in bed after a wild night of partying having forgotten to take of his goggles. If questioned in a ski shop about it during the off season, just mumble something like "Y'know, I'm just trying out the virtual thing, for kicks, y'know". Since the top level virtual thing is primo expensive, this could mark you as a radically rich skier, a rep that could do you well if you meet this person on the slopes later.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. This will help train your eyes to detect clues through the most inclement weather. It will also help you to focus through distractions such as a glue based contact high. Elmer's will not work. Do not do this more than twice. Be sure to put the glue on THE OUTSIDE of the lenses. If you do not know the inside from the outside of the lenses try professional merry-go-rounding instead of skiing. I hear they are considering it as a trial Olympic sport for the 2016 Olympics.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. You'll need the practice. And again-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Knee pads, shoulder pads and helmets are for sniveling rat faced gits and are not allowed.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. If you live in California or Florida please remember that you must use shoes and not sandals or the point of this exercise is lost. If you live in the Third World, please remember that the shoes must be without large holes in them for the same reason. Of course, then step 12 would be impossible for many of you.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. If you do not have a friend willing to do this, show up at a practice at any local high school or college football team and offer your services as what is called a "tackle dummy". Don't worry what a tackle dummy is. As the Jesuits say, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. If the nearest McDonald's never has lines, go to the nearest TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback Steak House, Olive Garden, or any restaurant with lines long enough to have those E.T. light up seating lights that tell you when your table is finally ready, wait for it to light up, then hand it to any "deserving looking" couple or group with $8.50 or more, say, "I want to be like Earl" and leave immediately.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. If you do not have access to a motorcycle, sneak up on top of any large truck at a nearby truck stop that you might be able to clip onto, then raise yourself up once it is going 70 mph for the same experience. Watch out for low overhangs and Smokey. Long jail terms tend to interrupt the training progress.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. If possible, skitch behind the truck by tying a tow line to the back of the truck and let it pull you behind it in the snow. This works best on lonelier highways where you are less likely to be noticed. Short tow ropes help as they will put you right in the path of the most blinding snow. You may wear a little padding here to account for the salt kicked up with the snow. You may also rig a watter bottle feed to your helmet as the salt may make you thirsty. While it is possible to skitch without the tow rope, it is very difficult to do this for longer than an hour in most cases.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. True ski warriors will have several blenders lined up in sequence with the last two having a Diet Coketm and Mentos load to launch a truly awesome spray your way.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. The inner suit should be a wet suit. Practice in or near the tub at first.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. All right, if your thum is leading to a fatal condition you may go to an emergency room obviously, but no visits for pain, cuts, or scratches. Pump up dudes and dudettes.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing, slipping on your ski boots for the first time, ignoring the weather warning, and roaring down the expert hill like 007. Try to avoid acting like 009. (He died in Octopussy in a clown suit. What a humiliating way to go. Not even shaken or stirred.)
Extra credit: Avalanche practice: Go back to the football (or rugby team) and ask the entire team to periodically attempt to pile on you as you race across the field. You and they are not allowed to start until the coach fires a track pistol that simulates that crack that an avalanche makes at the start. You must wear skis, if they catch you they are to pile on you for one hour. Your goal, attempt to keep breathing. Advice: Make this the first exercise of the day so that their need for showers does not asphyxiate you.
If you have taken most of the above steps (really, who could survive them all):
Congratulations! You now are as prepared for your first season of skiing as this course can make you. Take this advice at your own risk! This course is designed only for those who wish to avoid the mundane work of classwork and learn the practical basics of skiing right up front.
This being said you are hereby awarded the certificate:
Junior Associate Cadet Knowledgeable in Acquired Skiing Skills
Add the initials for this certification after your name proudly whenever you wish to show your dedication to skiing or to sport, or are seeking enrollment in The International School of Blog Repair Technicians!
(Our thanks to jokeoftheday.com which provided the framework and original source for the skiing tips in this post which have undergone considerable editing and expansion. These tips have been greatly expanded upon by the Peter Files Blog and integrated into our other humor streams. Again, in case you are truly dense or hung over and missed it. This post is a joke, satire, whatever you call it, DO NOT TRY ANYTHING IN THIS POST! Do not forward this post without this warning!)
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefi t of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". (Click the link for the original Rogers & Hammerstein Lyrics.)
Here are the lyrics she allegedly used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,< /STRONG> These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and nneed for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
Unfortunately, while the lyrics are very funny, Ms. Andrews, sadly did not and could not have sung them on the day in question due to vocal cord surgery gone wrong that wiped out her ability to sing in 1997. Though removing the cancer may have saved her life, Ms. Andrews own Sounds of Music will probably never be the same again.
For more information on this and other stories that seem a little to good to be true try out Snopes.com which is a great source for finding out the truth behind urban legends.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
I was looking through old strips of the comic day by day by the stingingly funny and politically relevant Chris Muir, which you can see new every day in the comments section of each Peter Files Blog post. That's because the talented and generous Mr. Muir allows us mere bloggers to do so for free. Thanks Chris! I think your strip is great!
You can also see day by day if you come to a post directly through the recent posts list on the sidebar, or do a Google search of our blog using the blue box above that takes you to any single post, for example, yesterday's superhero parodies of the Mac commercials or that great epic How You Give a Cat a Pill.
We used to host day by day at the top of the page but got comments that it took too long to get to into each of our daily posts (not everyone is surfing on a high speed line), so we moved day by day into the insides of our blog, but it is still accessible to you every day. Check it out! It's worth it.
To see today's day by day entry, for example, if you have not come directly to this post alone, just click on the name of this post, or on the comments section line, and it should appear at the bottom of that page!
Day by day also appeals to a slightly older crowd, and while not adult, we have made it a little harder for the 10 and under crowd to find. Not that I am getting any feedback that the 10 and under crowd are reading this blog, but it is supposed to be SFH and, well some of the day by day outfits are a bit skimpy.
But I found this one worth bringing to the top. It follows in the vein of yesterday's Marvel vs Action videos.
If you liked this one and want to see more, just right-click on it to go to the day by day web page and that will allow you to go back and read strips going back to 2002, and add the strip to your own blog for free if you like.
Kids Joke heard in passing*:
Q: Why did the sucker cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken!
*From an honest to goodness kid, imagine that. I really liked that one. I think it was, after the surprise of an actual original answer to a chicken-across-the-road joke, imagining just how annoyed that chicken might be with a sucker stuck to its feathers. Laughing further, I realized we not had a motivation for the chicken to get across the road, to get to some water to get the darn sucker off his back! Hope you like it too.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Home of the Best Doctor Who Podcast in Time and Space
