Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!
Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.
According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.
The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.
It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)
Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.
It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.
However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.
Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.
Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.
The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.
Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.
Sometimes I write commentary and this is the time for commentary. I have been taking a little break, except for a brief review, and a joke or two, but now that the election is so close, I think it's time for me to say something definitive.
I've mostly just made fun of Bush. As comic, that's been fun. As the worst President in US history he's given me a lot of material. I hope not to have so much material with the next US president.
I am so upset, myself about the situation in this country, it's made it hard to write comedy lately, especially, given how hard things have been for Americans. Making fun of bear markets, foreclosures, students who can't pay for school have left a bad taste in my mouth.
The increasing rancor in this election has been even worse. I think if nothing else, that would have pushed me over the edge. Not since Nixon have we seen the kind of dirty tricks politics that I have been seeing in this election. Calling Obama a terrorist, allowing calls for his death. What decade is this, 1960? These kinds of things are unforgivable. I lived through the riots of the 1960's. The national guard was posted in a park one block away from my apartment when I was eight. I don't want to see a generation of the kids who are in high school right now, girls and boys now, drafted and sent to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Korea and Russia to die under McCain and that is the future I see.
I also see enormous hypocrisy on some of his key issues, the pro-life agenda for one. With all the years of Republican administrations there have been no effective pro-life programs funded that would really make a difference in creating wide-scale options to reduce the number of abortions because they were anti-Republican in nature. If they really cared about the issue the way they say they do, there could have been programs beyond abstinence. Programs for funding education for single mothers of children without husbands, programs for paying for hospital and day-care costs, programs for helping to expand adoptions services. Making abortion illegal was not the only way to go. Did they try to do anything like that. No. Not through Reagan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr. and we can darn well expect nothing of the like to happen with McCain either. Anyone who expects anything different is fooling themselves.
Why? Because the Republican Party is all about taking away options and not giving anything back. That's how I feel about it. Taking away scholarship options, taking away funding of transit, taking away anything that helps individuals.
I don't know what is going to happen in this election. I don't know what Obama is going to do. But I think he is our best chance for a recovering economy. Our best chance for peace. Our best chance for education and a hundred other issues. And yes, if you are a pro-life person who wants alternatives to abortion, I think he is your best chance to get them funded too. In fact, I think its now, or NEVER.
So, listen to what Retired General Colin Powell has to say. I was very impressed. He summarizes a lot of what I felt. I was very surprised that he bought into the Weapons of Mass Destruction debacle. I was pleased to hear him admit his mistake later. He's one of the few Republicans I would vote for, for President, because of his integrity and his clear sense of personal honor. I hope he gets Sec Def back.
And don't be offended by my political opinions. I respect yours. You have a right to them. Just don't expect me to approve any comments with hate in them. And to the military. I support you. I just wish you were home with your families. Tomorrow.
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part II Troubled by the "Muslim" issue when Obama is a Christian. The commitment and death of Muslim-American Soldiers in Iraq. His Endorsement for President, who he will vote for in the election. The William Ayers issue. Connecting Obama to Ayers is a "terrible stretch its demagogory".
Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part III "It is not easy for me to disappoint Senator McCain in the way that I have this morning...I think we need a transformational figure, a transformational Change, and that's why I am supporting Senator Barrack Obama."
I don't know about your household, but we got our George Bush Vote for The Republicans Stimulus Bribe Check last week. Oops, did I call it a bribe? Certainly not. A bribe would have to have a chance of working and who in their right mind would think that the paltry sums contained in the, as comedian Chevy Chase would have put it, economic stimulus (bribes) checks would be near enough to pay for the vast damage done to our economy my W.
I wouldn't even try to put a price tag on the lives lost fighting (trillions) in Iraq if I had my way, because the lives of those brave service woman and service men who died in the service of their country were priceless. The fact that they were sent there by a lying no good idiot does not demean the bravery and nobility of their service one tiny bit, nor the service of those there now.
Those in the service of our country are stuck with the commander in chief we vote for. Thankfully, both of the current candidates have to be far better than the current monkey in chief. Don't they. Well certainly Obama is. I have some trouble with McCain, but I don't think he is an idiot. No one could be as dumb as our fearless leader.
Perhaps I am being charitable by suggesting that W is in fact dumb. Perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all the way along. Frightening thought isn't it. Suppose where we are today, deeply in debt, gas prices at an all time high, trapped in an expensive and costly war with an ungodly number of dollars, are we up to $ trillions yet, spent on an ill focused war, exactly where W wanted us to be at the end of his administration?
Is this possible? Would it be legal? Would it be a violation of his oath of office to protect and defend the American Constitution? Would it even be, as some have suggested, be treason?
Thank God this is a blog of Satire and not some serious publication or scholarly news program like Fox TV where I might have to come up with facts to support such a supposition. You know that I have got to be kidding.
The President of these United States would never risk prison by doing such naught things. I mean, its not as if his successor would ever pardon him! Ha! That could Never happen! Nixon who? You mean that really happened once? You mean a President who was probably guilty of a few crimes resigned from the White House and then was issued a blanket pardon by his successor? Like wow. What was his name? Nixon?
Never heard of him. Oh, that's that dude that died awhile back. They made a movie about him once didn't they? Didn't Robert Redford play him? Or was it O.J. Simpson, I get confused about those older dudes.
(Satire, satire.)
So, I have a modest proposal, a 25% tax on the gross revenues of all companies doing business in Iraq, plus a 25% tax on all Oil Company gross revenues, with the proceeds to be divided equally between all taxpayers for the next 10 years or until our soldiers come back from Iraq for the former (including mercenaries), and gas prices drop until Oil company profits are under 5%, without exaggerated costs.
What's the justification?
It's in the national interest and in the interest of homeland security.
Oil and gas prices currently drive the cost of all other prices. The desire to make huge profits at our expense with a vital resource has been irresponsibly used at a time when we are at war. So, take control of the industry and give the money back to the taxpayers who have been paying through the nose for it. At least enough so that the industry will self-regulate itself.
Whatever you do this fall, don't base your vote on this stimulus bribe. It'll be gone in gas and grocery bills, long gone by November anyway.
And Don't forget to declare it on your 2008 income tax return. Since no taxes were deducted from it, it'll probably be a pretty big hit next April, long after the election is over.
It's been a heck of a fight, and there have been a lot of things I did not like about it, but tonight's results show me, that even with CNN's projection that Clinton took Indiana, the 147 vote delegate count Obama lead still creates a hurdle that is too high for Clinton to breach between now and the end of the primaries.
America loves a fighter and a scrappy underdog. But if Clinton does not win the nomination and winds up dragging Obama through the dirt to try to get it, she risks being seen as the Ralph Nader of the 2008 political season. Of course, she could win. The Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox could also fight each other out in the World Series this year.
With all due respect, and respect is due, that it is time for Senator Hillary Clinton to end her campaign for President and begin her campaign for the Vice-Presidential nomination.
147 Delegates is too many. Democrats will not stand for a super-delegate win when the regular delegate vote puts Obama ahead. It would cause the same kind of disillusionment that the Party faced after the Gore vote theft defeat.
Her name will still be on the last ballots of course, but pulling out now will make her appear to be an actual uniter instead of a divider and at this time, this is what the Democratic Party needs. So think Ms. Clinton. Sometimes hubris isn't enough.
AND IF WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO FACE UP TO THE TRUTH AND ADMIT IT DURING AN ELECTION WHAT THE HECK SHOULD WE EXPECT YOU TO DO IN OFFICE?
After arguably eight years of the worst White House in human history, the Democratic Party MUST stop the infighting NOW and start working on the Presidential Campaign.
Ms. Clinton is an ideal VP candidate because she reaches the rest of the demographics that Obama does not. Looking at their vote totals from state to state they make an indomitable team. Clinton as VP will encourage Republican Woman crossover that will exceed whatever Male residual Clinton hating is left over.
They are both smart as hell, they both can work together. But the Dems always wait too long giving the Republicans a huge advantage when it comes to getting rolling for the fall.
Why do this?
Obama's lead might be mathematically possible to beat, but NC and enough of Indiana did not fall for the Rev. Wright "issue relevance" late election season scam that started somewhere.
No matter what or how it started, we now know enough about Senator Obama to see past whose Church he went to as an issue. It's not something that should be relevant as an election issue and we all know it.
That kind of thing died with the "Jack Kennedy will take orders from the Pope" lies from Nixon's campaign.
Americans LIKE Barack Obama. He's proven his electability to all but a few North-Shore Illinois Chicago Cubs Fans and they never give up.
We'll see what happens. But trying to "scandal" Obama some more isn't going to work, folks. Not while memories of Whitewater and that blue dress and other things it is not fair to taint Hillary with pop into mind when someone tries to stick something on Senator Obama.
What I really want of course is a great president. They are both capable. But I think the dems have spoken over all and think Obama is either better or a more winning Presidential candidate. At least given that Obama Girl does not look 35 yet.
I hope we get one.
But already I see signs of Republican scandal following the Bush Administration mistakes coming for maybe the next 8 years. So if we don't get some dems in now, once the do get in, they'll be in forever.
Or, maybe I've just been juggling cats too long tonight and am getting goofy. When looking for political commentary consider the source. Then again, maybe this humble comedy blogger is about as good as anyone else out there tonight.
As Barrack "Happy" Obama's delegate lead increases over that of Senator Hillary "Rudeham" Clinton it is just possible that the less than tight-lipped Clinton campaign staff may again be slipping with more dirt on the Clinton campaign.
We can't say that these 10 deepest darkest secrets of the Clinton Campaign are true because our comedy staff made them up just now, I mean just now. But wouldn't it be funny if they were true. They certainly sound like they could be true. As you read them, feel free to wonder if they might be true. Its your constitutional right. We have no way of knowing whether they are true or not. True the odds are really highly against it. In fact, we would say that these purported rumors are definitely untrue and without merit whatsoever. So don't go cutting and pasting and sending these around like they were true. THAT WOULD NOT BE NICE. IT WOULD BE WRONG. Even if it might be funny.
Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign
10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort?
9 - Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?
8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?
7 - Has this has caused the former President to start pestering Senator Clinton - presuming a fall victory - to think about appointing Bill to a post that would get him out of 'First Gentleman' duties and hand the 'First Lady' duties over to Chelsea on the grounds that she could use the political exposure and that several Presidents (unmarried) did have their daughters fill the first Lady Function?
Did Bill think that SecDef, SecInterior, Ambassador to the United Nations or a number of other jobs could keep him out of the White House most of the time and avoid the whole co-presidency brou-ha-ha? Do rumors linger that the 'unmarried' notion caused a pause for thought, but that other ambassadorships, Iraq, Chile, Turkmenistan, Ethiopia also came to mind?
6 - Is Hillary quite peeved to have heard the US Secret Service agents now on President Bush's 'Detail' have decided on a contest to determine who gets onto Bill's detail and who gets stuck, er, assigned to Hillary all based on the most creative call signs for Hillary and Bill? (So far WET_HEN and DOG_HOUSE are in first place, followed up by ICE_CUBE and HOT_SAX).
5 - Is it true that one night during the Clinton Administration Hillary wandered into the war room under the White House during a supposed crises and caught Bill and the Joint Chiefs drinking and playing poker, and rather than getting mad she took a seat at the table and cleaned everyone out except the Navy cook who had come in to serve sandwiches and who split the last pot with her?
4 - Is it true that Thursday is "pantsuit day" for everyone on the campaign but that only Bill refuses to bow down to the pressure, which is why you never see him on the trail on Thursdays?
3 - Could it really be that Hillary's 'George W' given nickname is 'Tinkerbell', that no one knows why, and that the Senator's campaign staff is afraid to ask her about it?
2 - Is it possible that Hillary has a secret Taco Bell habit formed when that "cute little dog" was on all the commercials and that she thought it was funny because his English reminded her of W's?.
1 - Is the deepest darkest secret of the Hillary Clinton campaign: that to lock up at least one Presidential nomination, using Hollywood special effects makeup, Hillary is secretly running for President as John McCain with Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live masquerading as Cindy McCain? This could explain Tina Fey's strange outburst two weeks ago on SNL during weekend update!
Oh, how America wants to know the truth. Or do we?
Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.
Dateline Texas: Clinton Says Obama's Delegate "Lag" Sure to Decline After The March 4th Primaries/McCain Says Bush Deserves Sainthood
A woman who wished to be known as "Mystic Clinton", unofficial spokeswoman for "Hillary is Kool" a Texas Democratic Group with "at least 17 members" and who is, as far as we know, unrelated to the former first Lady and current Senator, said today to Peter Files Blog Insiders that "Obama's lag in the convention delegate race was "sure to decline after the March 4th primaries, especially in Texas."
When it was pointed out to "Ms. Clinton" that in fact, as of this date, Senator Obama was ahead by more than 100 delegates and that for a "lag to decline" meant that his lead would advance, Ms. Clinton corrected us.
"No, that doesn't account for the secret delegates."
When asked for more information about the secret delegates she referred to Ms. Clinton looked to her left and right and said, "Well, everybody knows about the secret delegates, they're the ones with all the special privileges at conventions. They get to dress up in silly outfits and play pranks and create disturbances and get hauled out by security and five minutes later they are right back in the hall dressed in their regular clothes because they have the special passes. They blend in with everyone else, and everyone knows them but when it comes time for the electronic voting, their votes cancel out the votes of ten other delegates."
When asked for evidence about these astounding charges, Ms. Clinton said, "Well shoot, everybody around here knows about secret delegates. The Republicans have had them for years. I think the Democrats just caught on more recent like. Now Senator Obama, he's a good man, but I think he's too new to have drafted himself any secret delegates and I think you have to have a bunch of them to win any nomination."
Seeking confirmation of this outlandish story we were only able to find one other person in Texas who had ever heard of "secret delegates"; that was "Bubba Sharif McCain" head of "Texas Republicans against change of any kind - George W. for a Third Term - Heah!" a self-proclaimed Republican fan club of uncertain membership.
"Confidentially speakin' I heard of secret delegates. There was some crazy lady in the other county, Marge something, at a political rally. She kept yellin and screamin about it the last two or three elections. But I don't pay talk like that no never mind. Not when I got something important to do, like getting George W. Bush elected to the President for a third term or if not that, Sainthood.
When we mentioned that third Presidential terms were prohibited by the Constitution of the United States and that to become a Saint you were normally required to be a Roman Catholic, Mr. McCain said, "Well don't that beat all, you'd think with all the miracles he performed they might make an exception for him!"
Miracles?
"Miracle one - goin into Iraq after those 911 terrorists who had them WMD's and Mission Accomplished so soon! I tell you that was inspiring!"
"Miracle two - there hasn't been a single commie threat while he has been in office of any kind, why those Russkies have been quiet as little mouses."
"Miracle three - Just look at Hurricane Katrina, why that whole darn city could have been washed away, gone forever, but look at it now, why I bet that its better, cleaner and happier than its ever been."
"Miracle four - Just look at our economy, why right here in town our McDonalds and Wal Mart always have jobs for people that want them. Why I remember when lotsa people were outa work and today, why lotsa folks have two jobs. One feller I know who just got married has three. If that ain't proof of a healthy economy, why I don't know what is."
"Miracle Five - Just look at how he's kept all those young GI's working and building up service time overseas. Why you know that's gonna look good when they come home looking for jobs, and you know, the only way to advance in the military is by seeing combat. Of course that's all over, Mission Accomplished, heh, heh."
"Lesse, Why the way he's led and inspired the whole Republican Party to follow his leadership in lock step behind him, voting his way right down the line. That's a true miracle. He did that here in Texas too. Why, I count at least six miracles right there.
At this point our correspondent decided that discretion was the better part of valor, though I told him that he just plain chickened out.
We note that like Ms. Mystic Clinton, Mr. Bubba Sharif McCain has no relatives running for office that we know of.
It need hardly be said that like any other item found on the Peter Files Blog of Comedy this Post Should Be Considered Devoid of Any Meaningful Information Whatsoever. This Post contains Political Satire. Resemblance to actual statements, person, organizations, delegates, or reality is entirely coincidental. However, I've said it just in case this gets picked off the internet by an intern at some small foriegn paper to save him/her from embarrassing himself with their editor.
And now the video and point in history that many of us have been waiting 7+ years for, the Lame Duck portion of George W. Bush's Presidency, heretofore commemorated by the Obama Girl's video hit You're So Lame (You Probably Think This Song is About You) smash hit parody of the Carly Simon Hit You're So You're So Vane (You Probably Think This Song is About You) (You Probably Think This Song is About You).
A main difference between the two videos, other than the richness of Carly's voice and the higher quality of the original lyrics, is that the original lyrics hide the identity of the target of the song which adds a sense of universality to it, which was only later removed years later when the subject was obstensibly, I believe, to have been revealed as Warren Beatty.
In this version, the politically oriented Obama girls leave no doubt as to whom they believe is the lame duck in the Presidential hot seat, or cold seat, sitting as duck flambe.
But, we have to wonder, to what degree is the song true? Does Bush still have enough influence as benefit to do quite a lot of damage to the nation before leaving office? Is he really lame? Or is this video merely wishful thinking. Surely a Bush endorsement might carry a good deal of weight at a Republican convention, particularly if Daddy Bush was also on Bush was also onboard.
So am I carrying this video to convince you to vote Democrat next fall. Well no, the girls are really cute and the song is funny. Also, they catch a sitting president making an interesting finger movc that I think is unbecoming of a sitting president. Call it "Fingergate" but I don't think a sitting President of the United States should be dong such things in public. It's just a bad example.
Here's the video. Comments welcome. Good and bad. Just no swearing, please. You can be anonymous if you like.
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.
Nothing is wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate freedom? What is your IP address? We can get it from your internet provider you know.
If it is small enough we can do a Whois and know exactly who you are. Then get a picture from our spy satellites.
The Peter Files Blog News Network (Pentagon, 0035hrs) The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Using special redneckified weapons, rations and tactics, the USRSF are expected to bring "A whole lotta whuppin' to the region" according to inside souses in the Pentagon and the Bush White House.
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
"Unlike your normal GI, your USRSF member, has special ASSets for sitting still and lying in weight for enemy combatants, especially when supplied with supercooled supplies of carb-loaded Top-Secret energy drinks code named JD, WT101, PBR and even cases of hard to find BillyB which are completely unavailable to most of these Talibanistas. Heck, given these secret fluids, we hardly need food ner even blood to survive in most any environment. And it righteously improves our shootin'," says a Commander in a newly formed Unit, so secret it does not even have a name or number, though all have a tatoo of a certain redhead on their arms showing a great deal of anatomically correct detail.
"Heah, since the tatoo shows enough of our favorite gal to get us killed on sight, we know we got no option but to fight to the bottom, er, end. Of course, other units got other girls, Paris, Britney, Natlie, Lindsey's just our girl. Did I say Lindsey? Forget that, it should be classified, I think. Anyhoo, we got us some special weapons for I-ran and we gonna get them good! Hooyah!"
"Iraq? Right. Wherever. I just like to shoot. Geography was never my strong point. Just point me and my boys and we go."
With attitudes like these, Pentagon analysts are sure that the war will be over in "...less time than it took former Governor Huey P. Long to build a bridge, a hospital, and the Louisiana State Highway System, that is, about three weeks."
-30-
Hope you liked this one!
If this doesn't get comments, nothing will.
Thanks Tom B. for the Photo and the kernal that started this post.
This post dedicated to "The Marvelous TR, Redneck though and through, one of the kindest and best men I ever knew." Despite public jokes to the contrary, he was NOT a fan of the Greatful Dead...
Ah, submitted jokes, the kind I like best. You can do it too! And so what if its been copied and forwarded by a thousand people? That just means it has to be funny, right?
Like this one forwarded by my good friend Ken. It appears to have only been forwarded once. Its a collection of T-shirts seen on the street. No one would make these up would they?
1) (Seen on an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
5) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
7) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
8) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10) We Need a New Decider and a New Vice Decider, too.
11) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13) Which God Do You Kill For?
14) Jail to the Chief
15) WWJT: Who Would Jesus Torture?
16) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
17) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Baloney*
18) Bad president! No Banana.
19) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
20) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
21) Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood
22) Is It Vietnam Yet?
23) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
24) Where Are We Going? Why Are We In This Hand Basket?
25) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
26) Impeach Cheney First
27) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
28) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
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Jokes I made up about President Bush and Vice-President Cheney
Take President Bush, for example, say to the moon, now that would be good...
Have you noticed that ever since that scandal Cheney has been even more reclusive? No, not the shotgun in the face thing! The letting his friends get away with raising the price of gas to $4.00 a gallon or more before they get bounced out of office thing.
Designers are already busy working on wardrobe designs for the lame duck outgoing President and Vice-President for the Inauguration day presumed to be in 2009. They are a bit stymied though, there's not a lot you can do with tar and feathers.
There a lot of folks who say that George W. Bush has been the worst President in American history, I object to that, in fairness we should wait till the end of his term. He could still be impeached and be replaced by someone competent or incompetent enough to redeem enough of his reputation to put him ahead of some of the other 'worst President' examples.
With all his faults, President Bush is a fun guy to have at a B-B-Q. Like that one in Iraq he's been hosting for the last few years. He still has a few hosting issues to get over, like knowing when its time for everyone to go home.
You can't really blame the President for the current price of gas. It's not like he comes from a major oil producing state like Texas, has lots of friends and supporters in the oil industry, spent some of his early career trying to make money there, and can decide to help lower the price of gas by releasing some of our strategic oil reserves... oops. I guess he might be partially at fault for your Memorial Day Gas Prices. Remember to remember these gas prices during next Spring's primaries and the (Republican) party that helped bring them to you.
"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was President, and I like them during President, and I like them after President." --George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006
To be fair, not all Republicans can be blamed for these oil prices. Just the ones who took contributions from big oil. There might be a few Democrats in there too. We'll be remembering them too. Time to act now boys and girls whatever your party.
*Mr. President, that squiggly looking thing is a question mark. In this case it reflects irony, which has nothing to do with keeping your clothes pressed. Dick will explain if necessary.
"Wisdom and strength, and my family, is what I'd like for you to pray for." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007
(Ed. Note: We've clearly not been praying anywhere near enough!
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one." --George W. Bush, Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006
"Some call this civil war; others call it emergency -- I call it pure evil." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 28, 2007
"There are some similarities, of course (between Iraq and Vietnam). Death is terrible." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006
"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." --George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006
"One of my concerns is that the health care not be as good as it can possibly be." --George W. Bush, on military benefits, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself -- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." --George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006
"I'm a strong proponent of the restoration of the wetlands, for a lot of reasons. There's a practical reason, though, when it comes to hurricanes: The stronger the wetlands, the more likely the damage of the hurricane." --George W. Bush, New Orleans, March 1, 2007
"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
Interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007 "The solution to Iraq -- an Iraq that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself -- is more than a military mission. Precisely the reason why I sent more troops into Baghdad." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007
President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?" Peter Wallsten of the LosAngeles Times: "I can take them off." Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously." Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then." Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun." Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective." Bush: "Touche. --an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
Do not ask for whom the election tolled, it tolled for we!
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As reported last week, attempts were rumored to have been made to put the Easter Bunny on the "Federal No Fly List" despite the glaring oversite that the Easter Bunny hops everywhere.
Whether these attempts to stymie the Easter Bunny's efforts were rumor, ridicule, or a policy withdrawn, the fact of the matter is that once again, sanity, hope, or a miracle prevailed and our little Children's early introduction to Easter, reportedly through visits to hundreds of millions of homes worldwide this year as a symbol of peace, love and joy was successful again.
As adults, we get caught up in the seriousness of our religious beliefs sometimes that we lose face of the important aspects of them represented by the faith we see in the eyes of our children who would never connect a bomb, a gun, a knife, or violence with the image of God. Anything we teach them otherwise, comes from us. Perhaps we should ponder that, with all due respect to other faiths who's teachings I have not studied, if God has not innately given such connections to the minds and hearts of his children, is it right that we should?
Reports coming into the Cracked up staff of the Peter Files Worldwide, show that the Easter Bunny had more help than usual this year at International Border Crossings, perhaps as a backlash to the "No Fly List" Story. Although he has never needed help in inter-continental travel, it is rumored that a stealth aircraft captain stationed at Area 51 offered him a ride wherever he wished to go. "Even we can't tell where I am now - who's to say where I drop the Bunny? But he seems to be able to do some pretty big hops without me. Talk about altitude!"
Afterwards, job done, EB as he is known to his Cotton Posse, cooled down for 24 hours, then picked up, Flopsy, Mopsie, Cottontail, Rabbit P., Peter C.T., and Bugsy for a Ford limo trip down to the American Idol show. Peter C.T. is rumored to be still grumbling that the rules do not allow Rabbits to compete, he thinks his new joint "Bunny Trail Cotton Rap" with Master D.J. Benjamin B could put him over the top. All EB wanted to do we here is to get some tail bumping time with J-Lo. Nothing serious. Since the theme this week was Latin Music, EB thought he could show her that he could Conga with the rest of the crowd.
Sadly, it was not to be. J-Lo was not in the House and while Paula was all hugs, Simon Cowell took one look at the Bunny Patrol and nearly had to be hospitalized for hysteria. That was before PCT brought up putting "Bunny Trail Cotton Rap" into the show.
In the end it didn't matter, the Bunny Patrol had a great time, brought extra carrots and eggs for everyone and Mopsie even got a few phone numbers we hear.
So thats it for the Easter 2007 report. Hope that this report doesn't Egg on Bush and Co. for 2008!
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As if things could not get worse - You may remember the laughter created last year when it was revealed that in 2005 the Bush administration attempted to hold the Easter Bunny without legal counsel or trial at the CIA's detention center at Guantanamo Bay, obstensively for "planning to commit 56 million cases of periodontal terrorism" across America on Easter Sunday 2005, citing legend and past practice as evidence of future intent. (Though it was also rumored that President Bush was tired of losing the Annual White House Easter Egg Hunt and wanted an excuse to cancel the whole thing.)
Ultimately, the investigation broke down after the international media, entered the fray, leaving no Peep unturned. Also a problem was that while the Guantanamo Bay facility was designed to be escape proof for most human beings, designers failed to accommodate the skills possessed by giant, magic, hopping rabbits, such that as the time came clear for The Easter Bunny to head home to pick up his eggs and head out on his delivery route, neither their facilities at Guantanamo bay, not the location of the facility proved any difficulty in caging him further.This year's gaff, seems to make that little farce seem like a stroll in farmer McGregor's Garden as PAAS-tel faced Bush officials whispered that the Easter Bunny had been put on the Federal "no fly list".
"As if the Easter Bunny flies!" One staffer who wants to protect his daughter's Easter stash exclaimed, "this isn't Santa or the Tooth Fairy we're talking about! This had to come right from the top, the very top, Cheney!" whined another. "Who could forget that this wily wabbit just hopped off Guantanamo leaving Easter Baskets for everyone there? Even the non-Christians! Boy were they surprised!"
"Like a "No Fly list" means anything to a magical symbol of Easter and the miracle of God! The next thing you know we'll be looking for weapons of mass inflation in our tummies or WMD's in the Tooth Fairy's quarters or Santa's stockings, because their outside interference might dip into 4th Quarter sales! Hmph! As if Easter Candy lasts more than a couple of days."
Glad to see that some sense has entered the Republicrat Party. At least some of it.
Hoppy Easter, Hanukkah, or whatever way you worship this weekend. Editor's Note: This piece was edited for spelling and content errors vewy, vewy, early on the morning of Easter Thursday after the effects of his Easter Candy binge had begun to wear off and before CVS candy sales had dipped below 50% off.
The staff of this blog have received No hop-backs for the content of this post.
Teaching is undoubtedly the hardest job in the universe. And while things have gotten better in the past few years IMHO, this can be especially true in the Chicago Public Schools. But in any school system kids can be a trial, even a kind of one year sentence, unless the teacher and parents work together creatively using the best new methods to get the minds of young students to blossom.
And so it was that a teacher acquaintance of mine had her second graders work on a Government "Mind Map" this week. For those of you who were educated before the era of mind maps hit the schools, a mind map is a graphic organizer about a topic, such as"Government" where a student puts down ideas about the main concept with pictures and labels, then tries to connect them with lines, for those that relate to each other. At the Second Grade level those lines might only connect to the central topic, but they could also connect to related topics elsewhere on the map. You can also connect ideas by proximity, by placing each other close to each other on the map.
For example, the word "government" might appear in the middle, and pictures of different images related to government might appear all around the page.
This teacher saw lots of examples that did not surprise her, the flag, the White House, a Post Office, A Police Car, a Bald Eagle, A Blad Ealge (this was a second grade assignment after all), the complete text of the pledge of allegiance to the flag, "the mayor" (we just had a mayoral election - Daley won again - no surprise, the city still works), badges, a tank or two, a library, the school, perhaps a few police police cars, the "governor" portrayed as a woman wearing beads - what this says about Rob Blagojevich I can't begin to say, and a teacher, with a pretty good facsimile of the teacher in question.
So where's the humor you say?
Right next to the White House on one mind map was a picture of --
-- a scooter.
When the teacher, trying really hard not to laugh asked the boy, why he had put a "scooter", wheels and all on his mind map he said, "I'm not sure, I've been hearing a lot about a scooter and the President on the news lately. Does he have a son?"
I swear this is a true story. I have seen the mind map with my own eyes. I cannot identify the child who is a minor, I wonder how many other 2nd graders would put a scooter on their own mind maps?
Priesciently, I had made a scooter joke to this same teacher the day before when the mind map assignment topic was brought up.
When this story came out I felt like king of the uninverse.
It could only have been better had the brilliant little rascal had put the scooter behind bars, like in a bicycle rack. But surely that would have been too much to ask for.
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The nice thing about W's administration is that my young memories of Nixon have schooled me insofar as just what to expect. If Scooter's conviction holds up, and it seems that this conviction has, er, wheels, then "Have we only just begun" to dig?
I do think more highly of Bush than Nixon, BTW. In intro to psychology they referred to two personality types that seemed to be direct opposites - anal retentives and anal expulsives. I am certain that these are not the correct technical term. That class was almost 3 (shudder) decades ago..
Tricky Dicky Nicky was the classic AR and W might be seen as a AE - at least in the outgoing get it all out there sense. What the meaning of "it" is, I leave to you.
So here we are again, a very senior Republican Official is going to jail for essentially using black bag kind of tactics to get the administration's way. This time actually, it seems, potentially risking the safety of CIA assets along the way. This goes a lot deeper than paltry break-in style panty-raids at the Watergate.
Its time for the question to be asked: D? W? What did you know and when did you know it and was Arnuhld in the loop?
Have further White House souces been implicated or have they just been foisted off on travel junkets to Iraq with Red Queen in exile Catherine Coulter. Is she truly going to Britain just so she can light up a fag* when she wants one?
*cigarette
Can it be true? Can Americans be waking up and deciding that they have had enough with Rough Limbaugh?
Or is there a new trend forming just because Robin Williams and Jennifer Hudson would really make a sizzlin' Presidential and Vice-Presidential Pairing.
A plus, we get all those extra National Anthems for free!
I really do hate to see anyone go to jail. I suspect that if Scooter does any time at all it will be in Club Martha Stewart, recently redecorated in lime, mango and casaba. But one never knows.
Its not nice to play with national security. Perhaps there will be a short stay at Guantanamera Bay first.
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We have for you today, a battle between two comedy videos. One, the very recently released video presentation of the emailed routine "Hu's on first?", a political roast of George Bush and Condi Rice, and the other the classic Abbott and Costello baseball routine "Who's on first?". Please feel free to tell me in comments which you think is funnier, you don't have to register to make a comment. I only remove ads or ones with obscenities not in keeping with the SFW nature of this blog.
One of our posts that gets the most hits, is the "Hu's on First" bit that I posted in March of 2005, based on an email that was forwarded by my friend DZ who is ever faithful in forwarding the best of jokes making the rounds.
One nice part about the post is that it not only has the new joke about George and Condi, but has a direct link to the Abbot and Costello radio routine about baseball which is much funnier than the George Bush version.
The Bush version has pointlessly added a few insensitive lines with no real comedic value. See if you can spot them.
Now that you have seen the copy, here's the original. I think you will agree that there is no competing with masters like Abbott & Costello.
Now wasn't that refreshing? Nothing like comedy from the masters. What timing, emotion, the sense that Abbott could be killed at any moment because Lou was so upset but of course never would be so much as touched by his age old friend. Ah, what comedy was meant to be.
Compare that to the Bush, video: it was the cracks about Condi's race and ebonics that almost made me ignore it. It wasn't in the original script, and added nothing of real comedic value to the video. Certainly no laughs like we saw in Abbott and Costello's original. If the video maker had worked harder, I bet he could have gotten around them. Of course, who knows, perhaps I got a pre-censored version by someone who the lines grated on; but there were other differences in the script - so I suspect not.
But I decided to keep it in just to illustrate the point that you can add ignorance and insensitivity to a bit without adding a bit of humor, while adding humor takes talent and brilliance.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed them!
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Every President has had a reputation for public speaking, one way or another. Calvin Coolidge was known for saying very little. When a man came up to him and said: "President Coolidge, I have a bet that I can get more than three words out of you." Coolidge is said to have turned to him and said, "You Lose".
Lincoln and Jefferson were known as great public speakers. Even Clinton, was known as a gifted public speaker, charming, smooth, even if many did not like what he said and did.
Yet we are fortunate today to have a president that sets new standards for great moments in Presidential Speeches, boldly defining his own standards that surely will not be forgotten for generations. These moments, reported by the The Late Show with David Letterman have been compiled together in a short video by legendary YouTube.com video compiler Stonetheforbidden.
I hope you will share these great historical moments with others, by sending your friends and family, even co-workers a link to my blog.
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Unconfirmed White House souses report that President George W. Bush has a hot new plan for winning the "War on Global Warming".
Finally convinced that there might be something to this "Global Warming Stuff" after his favorite fishing crick dried up, Bush met with his top advisors to draw up an out of the box solution for dealing with this crisis, but their efforts were somewhat limited by the fact that "Navy Blue", "Atomic Tangerine" and "Laser Lemon" were missing from the Presidential Military Planning Kit which gives the President an edge when attempting asserting to the dynamic pressures of his office.
The Bush program to save the earth from global warming appears to be to call out 20,000 more U.S. troops who will rocket to the sun to protect Earth from global warming via heat-keeping mission to stop the flow of illegal immigrant sun rays to the Earth.
"Someone has to work on stopping the flow of illegal immigrants, why shouldn't that include the suns rays as well?"
When in house skeptics questioned details of the plan, Bush assured them that everything had been taken care of, it is said.
Reportedly, President Bush said, "
Operation Sunscreen" will not only be a technical triumph, allowing America to be number 1 in saving the Earth from Global Warming, but it will allow us to be the first to land human beings on the sun! Hot dog!"
When asked what portion of the 20,000 troops were tasked for the "sun landing" despairing staff were horrified to learn, it is said,
"All of them, of course, I'm a Texan and we don't do anything half-way".
When asked how the troops planned to reduce the effects of global warming:
"Sheeesh, we've got that covered, and I mean that literally, we are bringing a giant computerized American Flag that will float in space between earth and the sun. If we want more rays, we open up these little holes by computer and it lets through lots more light. If its getting too hot we close them up some. In the mean time, while it's showing the flag now, it can show other messages too, like, eh, 'Jeb for President!, snort, snort, snort. And I'll tell you this, there are not too many remote controls for the messages on this thing!"
Indications of multiple launchings this week across the globe suggest that someone is headed to space. 20,000 seems an absurd number, as does landing on the sun itself. But something may be going on and these reports, if true, suggest very hazardous
That's it for this report from The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, SATIRE, Jokes, Humor and Parody.
*As always, resemblances to persons, Presidents, places or things in this report is purely coincidental and is an artifact of satire and parody used in this post. One idea in this post was inspired while watching the letters portion of Late Night with David Letterman Last Night, though I was so sleepy can't tell you which part. Letterman has always been the funniest in Late Night Television going back to the days of Velcro suits and Toast on a Stick.
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