Clinton Says Obama's Delegate "Lag" Sure to Decline After March 4th Primaries/McCain Says Bush Deserves Sainthood
Dateline Texas: Clinton Says Obama's Delegate "Lag" Sure to Decline After The March 4th Primaries/McCain Says Bush Deserves Sainthood
A woman who wished to be known as "Mystic Clinton", unofficial spokeswoman for "Hillary is Kool" a Texas Democratic Group with "at least 17 members" and who is, as far as we know, unrelated to the former first Lady and current Senator, said today to Peter Files Blog Insiders that "Obama's lag in the convention delegate race was "sure to decline after the March 4th primaries, especially in Texas."
When it was pointed out to "Ms. Clinton" that in fact, as of this date, Senator Obama was ahead by more than 100 delegates and that for a "lag to decline" meant that his lead would advance, Ms. Clinton corrected us.
"No, that doesn't account for the secret delegates."
When asked for more information about the secret delegates she referred to Ms. Clinton looked to her left and right and said, "Well, everybody knows about the secret delegates, they're the ones with all the special privileges at conventions. They get to dress up in silly outfits and play pranks and create disturbances and get hauled out by security and five minutes later they are right back in the hall dressed in their regular clothes because they have the special passes. They blend in with everyone else, and everyone knows them but when it comes time for the electronic voting, their votes cancel out the votes of ten other delegates."
When asked for evidence about these astounding charges, Ms. Clinton said, "Well shoot, everybody around here knows about secret delegates. The Republicans have had them for years. I think the Democrats just caught on more recent like. Now Senator Obama, he's a good man, but I think he's too new to have drafted himself any secret delegates and I think you have to have a bunch of them to win any nomination."
Seeking confirmation of this outlandish story we were only able to find one other person in Texas who had ever heard of "secret delegates"; that was "Bubba Sharif McCain" head of "Texas Republicans against change of any kind - George W. for a Third Term - Heah!" a self-proclaimed Republican fan club of uncertain membership.
"Confidentially speakin' I heard of secret delegates. There was some crazy lady in the other county, Marge something, at a political rally. She kept yellin and screamin about it the last two or three elections. But I don't pay talk like that no never mind. Not when I got something important to do, like getting George W. Bush elected to the President for a third term or if not that, Sainthood.
When we mentioned that third Presidential terms were prohibited by the Constitution of the United States and that to become a Saint you were normally required to be a Roman Catholic, Mr. McCain said, "Well don't that beat all, you'd think with all the miracles he performed they might make an exception for him!"
"Miracle one - goin into Iraq after those 911 terrorists who had them WMD's and Mission Accomplished so soon! I tell you that was inspiring!"
"Miracle two - there hasn't been a single commie threat while he has been in office of any kind, why those Russkies have been quiet as little mouses."
"Miracle three - Just look at Hurricane Katrina, why that whole darn city could have been washed away, gone forever, but look at it now, why I bet that its better, cleaner and happier than its ever been."
"Miracle four - Just look at our economy, why right here in town our McDonalds and Wal Mart always have jobs for people that want them. Why I remember when lotsa people were outa work and today, why lotsa folks have two jobs. One feller I know who just got married has three. If that ain't proof of a healthy economy, why I don't know what is."
"Miracle Five - Just look at how he's kept all those young GI's working and building up service time overseas. Why you know that's gonna look good when they come home looking for jobs, and you know, the only way to advance in the military is by seeing combat. Of course that's all over, Mission Accomplished, heh, heh."
"Lesse, Why the way he's led and inspired the whole Republican Party to follow his leadership in lock step behind him, voting his way right down the line. That's a true miracle. He did that here in Texas too. Why, I count at least six miracles right there.
At this point our correspondent decided that discretion was the better part of valor, though I told him that he just plain chickened out.
We note that like Ms. Mystic Clinton, Mr. Bubba Sharif McCain has no relatives running for office that we know of.
It need hardly be said that like any other item found on the Peter Files Blog of Comedy this Post Should Be Considered Devoid of Any Meaningful Information Whatsoever. This Post contains Political Satire. Resemblance to actual statements, person, organizations, delegates, or reality is entirely coincidental. However, I've said it just in case this gets picked off the internet by an intern at some small foriegn paper to save him/her from embarrassing himself with their editor.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
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