When I went out for dinner for my birthday, a few things happened that I didn't expect. This is one of them.
In keeping with our plan to show more locally produced videos!
Please go back to You Tube and comment if you like it! Comments here welcome provided you understand the impromptu nature of both the performance and vide
We got my wife a new digital camera for Mother's Day and its amazing how much progress the automatic settings have made since my last purchase 5 and a half years ago.
Still even with something like 30 preset settings, taking control of your focus and flash settings can make a big difference.
If you are not a confident digital camera user you may not be aware that pushing the shutter about halfway down before you take the shot allows the autofocus features, or whatever features you have enabled to do a better job than if you just push the take photo button without that little delay.
Another way to improve your pictures is to make sure your details come out well is to use the flash setting even if you don't think you need it. On today's cameras the autoflash settings are good enough that the camera can often tell for example if there is too much backlighting, even if the sun is out, and you need some front flash so that your images/faces can be clearly seen.
Look at this example (not my wife). Here we see how great a difference there is in the image with and without Flash!
Really unbelievable isn't it?
Of course shutter speeds are getting faster these days which may account for some of the differences in the two photos as well.
I've been thinking, Obama has a lot going for him, but his campaign needs, something, a certain something. I know, it needs a campaign song. Something easily singable. Not a Fleetwood Mac song. Something suggesting basic values & the need for change.
So I came up with this. I'll bet half the nation is singing this within a week.
Well, maybe not. But I had fun doing it. Then I had to take out all the bashing. LOL.
Still, it was fun. What do you think? Please, use the comments section to tell me what you think!
I'm going to vote for Obama he's our next President I'm sick and tired of the same old rut they took our money and spent, spent, spent, spent, spent.
What we need is a leader who can steer us right back on course 'cause if we don't - make some kind of change - things in America could get still worse!
So first, he needs nomination then, he needs our support then, we get out voter registration So in the end we won't fall just sho-o-ort.
Obama can heal the nation join the Obama campaign, get - on - the Obama bandwagon - you'll be - glad - you came!
Important! This song has not been endorsed by Senator Obama.
Even so, you can easily forward this to friends and relatives using the envelope icon below. If I get a chance I will update this post with a sound clip. Oh joy, you are thinking if you have heard me sing on My Blog Theme Song on the sidebar (snicker).
Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right, the longest running game show in television history is retiring, so it is only right to celebrate Bob's career with this clip I found on LiveVideo.com called The Best Of: The Price is Right.Please note that you may have to turn the volume up immediately with the volume level control just to the left of the "share" button at the bottom of the video player.
I found this very funny. Please note that some of LiveVideo's offerings cannot be considered safe for work, so use caution in going to the site if you do not want these offerings in your browser history.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
I am the product of a Jesuit education. For those of you who don’t know what that means, check out the work of Bob Newhart who has been similarly twisted by years in Jesuit classrooms.
For those who have never had contact with Catholic education, high school and college Catholic programs are often administered by orders of priests and nuns. Generally, each of these religious orders was founded by an individual who placed his or her own mark upon their order. The Franciscans were started by St. Francis of Assisi, the Benedictines by St. Benedict, and the Jesuits by St. Ignatius Loyola, for example.
Each order lives under a “rule”, takes certain “vows” and/or has certain aims, goals or traditions. Jesuits for example, live under poverty, chastity and obedience and serve the pope. Their specialty is education and Jesuit Schools are also among the finest schools in the world.
Naturally, with all these different orders running around for centuries, there are bound to be a few jokes as well! Here are some ones featuring Jesuits. Not always to their advantage.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. (from "A Catholic Dictionary")
There are three things that even God does not know about the Church:
1. How many congregations of religious women are there? 2. How much money do the Franciscans have stashed away? 3. What are the Jesuits going to do next?
The Franciscans, Dominicans, and Jesuits were having a big meeting that went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out in the meeting room. The Franciscans immediately took out guitars and sang songs, while the Dominicans began preaching; but the Jesuits went to the basement, found the fuse box and reset the breaker.
Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked, but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke, but not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.
The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.
The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, have you thought about where to send the boy to school?"
An Augustinian, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit all die and get to heaven. Jesus asks each one, "If you could go back, what would you change"?
The Augustinian ponders a while and says, "There's so much sin in the world. If I went back, I'd try and stop people from sinning so much." The Franciscan thinks a bit and says, "There's so much poverty in the world. If I went back, I'd try and get people to share more of their wealth with the poor." The Jesuit looks at Jesus and quickly replies, "If I went back, I'd change my doctor."
(For this next joke it’s helpful to know that Jesuits live on a strict vow of poverty, last time I checked it their budget for incidentals, shaving cream, etc. was $25 a month, might be up to $50 now)
A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans' kitchens.
An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. So, the next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar.
A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber gets to work, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."
On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."
Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."
Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.
(Naturally the money went to the Jesuit Missions where it would be used for those above the ground.)
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist Monk were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating about whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask for an answer from God when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and decided to go to the throne of God to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:
My beloved children,
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both of your orders are equally great and good in my eyes.
*A Jesuit might sign his name Fr. Felix Just, S.J. The S.J. standing for Society of Jesus, the full name of the Jesuit order. Fr. Just in fact compiled most of the humor in this post which has been edited and expanded upon in the interest in humanizing the people behind the orders who serve God.
Hope you enjoyed these. If you have your own that you'd like to share, just send them to me at the address below and I would be happy to post them for you.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
The cast is a great one and includes at least one famous Chicago Radio Celebrity, but you'll have to figure out who on your own! Maybe I will see you there!
Area Theater Producers. I support community and semi-professional theater and love to put up free theater notices for Chicago area theater groups, so if you have a notice, send one to me WELL IN ADVANCE of your performance (if you can) to thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and I will see what I can do. I am happy to post pictures (I prefer links to them) as well.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here generated by outside sources may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Once again our readers are strongly cautioned that "Dr. Pete" is not a doctor nor qualified to give advice of any kind, especially not medical advice*. He just thinks he is. You would be better off listening to the advice of a can of worms, if you could hear it, than taking any comments by Dr. Pete as advice. If you can hear the advice of a can of worms, we suggest that you seek medical attention immediately. This is normally the sign of big, big trouble.
Once again it is time for another "session" with Dear "Dr. Pete". Dr. Pete is our consultant Pzychotherapist with no qualifications whatsoever - so what he says does not qualify as advice, barely gossip. But once in awhile it is fun to listen in as he discusses problems with those who are crazy enough to ask him questions.
Dear Dr. Pete,
Ever since I was in a car accident on the Darn Ryan expressway 15 years ago I have been afraid to drive farther than the end of the block and back even though I own the safest car in the world and have installed extra emergency padding and some of the escape features that I remember from the cartoon classic "Speed Racer" that were on the Mach 5. My trouble is, unless I can figure out a way to get my car to jump out of the way of dangerous dust particles like the car in the TV show, I could skid out of control some day and get an owie.
This makes me worry day and night. The walk to the train is really far. By the time I get to the train I am so worried about other cars skidding on dust particles that I often am spinning around in circles trying to blow them off the streets waving my arms so that the cars will see me and not hit me when they skid out of control. How can I fix my car so I can drive to the train station?
Dusty
Dear Dusty,
I zink dat you are cookoo nutzo. I zimpzize vit you vor havink had an accident. Zis can be a traumatic zing and many people have trouble drivink aveterwards a baddy. But zince you do not mention un injury, und you levt a phone number and I spoke vit your wive who said you did not get un "owie" az you call it, I zink you have taken zis un blown it vay, vay, vay out of proportion.
Normally, I vould zay you had panic diztrezz dizorder, vich I encourage you to google und read about. But zince you are vorried about dust particles making your car zkid out of control bubby, I zink you are a fruity loop.
A two zousant pound car, zay a volvo, cannot zkid out of control when it rollz over duzt. Duzt iz not zlippery, nein, nein, nien, you nincompooper!
You could roll over un banana zkin un ztil not havt zee problem vift zee zkidding! Inztead I zink zee banana eez in your brain. Ach!
I zink you zhould zink about vether vhat you really like to do is pretend to be un Jet airplane on your vay to work! Zat would explain maybe zee arms waving and zee puffink zat you are doink. Or, you could just be a dink-donk who needs zee intense zychozerapy zat only zee greatezt ov zee worldz provessionals can provide.
Howefer, I hesitate to reccomend vun because I tink you vould drive dem crazy! I certainly do not vant you in my ovvice, vit your vavink, und your puffink, und your whinink about a travvik accident vifteen yearz old.
Zee only zink I can do, iz quote zee inzights of zee legendary zhrink Dr. Robert Hartley. Vhen convronted vith a behavior like behink unable to drife varther dan zee end of zee block, hiz advice is zee only zing you can try. In ezzence it iz ziss.
"Shtopp IT! Just SHTOP IT"
But, you vill zay
"Shtopp IT!" But,
"Shtopp IT!"
But
"Shtopp IT!"
My humble verds are a pale imitation of dis master zo I vill zuggezt zat you zearch vor hiz work vich vas richly covered on zee "Bob Newhart Show".
Zat is all zee help I can ovver in a caze ov Cookoo-Woowoo like you hafe written to me about today.
Now, iv you had written to me about being anxiouz about zkidding on zigars, zat is zomtink I could have helped you vith!
Dr. Pete
Well, Dr. Pete offers us an interesting insight into an unstable mind, once again leaving us with the question: who is more crazy - the writer or Dr. Pete? Tune in again for another exciting episode, when Dr. Pete sends us one. If you have a question for Dr. Pete please send it to: ThePeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and your question could become ridiculed, twisted and subjected to the worst possible interpretation ever. Here are some reader reactions to Dr. Pete.
It is a good thing that Dr. Pete is a fictional character, he would never last as a real shrink. Hinky Shmoe, Wombat, Australia
Dr. Pete is the greatest thing ever. He has really helped me in my major policy decisions. I am very sorry that I have to keep my name anonymous. HEY, I'll just use another initial. No one will guess that! X, Washington, D.C.
I believed Dr. Pete's help once and I wound up in a box down by the church! Heed Peter's warning. Don't follow anything Dr. Pete says. Kenny RIP, Graveyard, CA
There you have it. All the testimony you could want.
*Strictly speaking, "Dr. Pete" is a fictional character. Taking the advice of fictional characters, is as Dr. Pete might term it, "Shtupid!". We do not mean to insult you. We just realize the possibility that this page may be viewed by younger visitors or those who may need this spelled out directly that this is a comedy and parody page and taking this stuff as advice might lead to unfortunate incidences. Like the time we had to withdraw the post about speed eating pretzels, or the one about invading the wrong country just for fun...
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
As reported last week, attempts were rumored to have been made to put the Easter Bunny on the "Federal No Fly List" despite the glaring oversite that the Easter Bunny hops everywhere.
Whether these attempts to stymie the Easter Bunny's efforts were rumor, ridicule, or a policy withdrawn, the fact of the matter is that once again, sanity, hope, or a miracle prevailed and our little Children's early introduction to Easter, reportedly through visits to hundreds of millions of homes worldwide this year as a symbol of peace, love and joy was successful again.
As adults, we get caught up in the seriousness of our religious beliefs sometimes that we lose face of the important aspects of them represented by the faith we see in the eyes of our children who would never connect a bomb, a gun, a knife, or violence with the image of God. Anything we teach them otherwise, comes from us. Perhaps we should ponder that, with all due respect to other faiths who's teachings I have not studied, if God has not innately given such connections to the minds and hearts of his children, is it right that we should?
Reports coming into the Cracked up staff of the Peter Files Worldwide, show that the Easter Bunny had more help than usual this year at International Border Crossings, perhaps as a backlash to the "No Fly List" Story. Although he has never needed help in inter-continental travel, it is rumored that a stealth aircraft captain stationed at Area 51 offered him a ride wherever he wished to go. "Even we can't tell where I am now - who's to say where I drop the Bunny? But he seems to be able to do some pretty big hops without me. Talk about altitude!"
Afterwards, job done, EB as he is known to his Cotton Posse, cooled down for 24 hours, then picked up, Flopsy, Mopsie, Cottontail, Rabbit P., Peter C.T., and Bugsy for a Ford limo trip down to the American Idol show. Peter C.T. is rumored to be still grumbling that the rules do not allow Rabbits to compete, he thinks his new joint "Bunny Trail Cotton Rap" with Master D.J. Benjamin B could put him over the top. All EB wanted to do we here is to get some tail bumping time with J-Lo. Nothing serious. Since the theme this week was Latin Music, EB thought he could show her that he could Conga with the rest of the crowd.
Sadly, it was not to be. J-Lo was not in the House and while Paula was all hugs, Simon Cowell took one look at the Bunny Patrol and nearly had to be hospitalized for hysteria. That was before PCT brought up putting "Bunny Trail Cotton Rap" into the show.
In the end it didn't matter, the Bunny Patrol had a great time, brought extra carrots and eggs for everyone and Mopsie even got a few phone numbers we hear.
So thats it for the Easter 2007 report. Hope that this report doesn't Egg on Bush and Co. for 2008!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
This is another one of those fun quizzes from blogthings.com. It may explain why I am writing this particular kind of blog. Comedy, Satire, Jokes, Commentary. Seems to check out. Now I should point out that this is based on 4 questions with only two responses each. Hardly a sophisticated test. But I only took it once.
What did yours say. I think if you paste the code into comments with your response it will show the whole thing. Why not try. I will look for some other fun ones. They at least make interesting posts. Later I may go back and try different answers, if I can remember what I said the first time, but for now I would rather try some more quizzes.
Your Personality is Very Rare (INTP)
Your personality type is goofy, imaginative, relaxed, and brilliant.
Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 6% of all men. You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.
Well, the Celts had their own study of astronomy and the stars reflecting their own religious beliefs which were much more earth centered. This meant that their signs were more earth and nature centered and had different meanings that what we consider the "traditional" horoscope signs of Scorpio, Libra, Cancer, Leo, etc.
I am not an expert on these systems, that is about the extent of my knowledge. But you might have fun going to the blogthings.com website and taking this quiz. Find out your own sign and what it means.
Does it apply to you. I think mine is pretty darn close. Report back if you think yours is too!
You Are A Chestnut Tree
You are a born diplomat with a well developed sense of justice. And even though you're impressive and intimidating, you're also fun to be around. You can be irritated easily, and you sometimes act superior. Nevertheless, you are sensitive of others feelings and very loyal. Sometimes you feel misunderstood and are fiercely close to those who know you best.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Teaching is undoubtedly the hardest job in the universe. And while things have gotten better in the past few years IMHO, this can be especially true in the Chicago Public Schools. But in any school system kids can be a trial, even a kind of one year sentence, unless the teacher and parents work together creatively using the best new methods to get the minds of young students to blossom.
And so it was that a teacher acquaintance of mine had her second graders work on a Government "Mind Map" this week. For those of you who were educated before the era of mind maps hit the schools, a mind map is a graphic organizer about a topic, such as"Government" where a student puts down ideas about the main concept with pictures and labels, then tries to connect them with lines, for those that relate to each other. At the Second Grade level those lines might only connect to the central topic, but they could also connect to related topics elsewhere on the map. You can also connect ideas by proximity, by placing each other close to each other on the map.
For example, the word "government" might appear in the middle, and pictures of different images related to government might appear all around the page.
This teacher saw lots of examples that did not surprise her, the flag, the White House, a Post Office, A Police Car, a Bald Eagle, A Blad Ealge (this was a second grade assignment after all), the complete text of the pledge of allegiance to the flag, "the mayor" (we just had a mayoral election - Daley won again - no surprise, the city still works), badges, a tank or two, a library, the school, perhaps a few police police cars, the "governor" portrayed as a woman wearing beads - what this says about Rob Blagojevich I can't begin to say, and a teacher, with a pretty good facsimile of the teacher in question.
So where's the humor you say?
Right next to the White House on one mind map was a picture of --
-- a scooter.
When the teacher, trying really hard not to laugh asked the boy, why he had put a "scooter", wheels and all on his mind map he said, "I'm not sure, I've been hearing a lot about a scooter and the President on the news lately. Does he have a son?"
I swear this is a true story. I have seen the mind map with my own eyes. I cannot identify the child who is a minor, I wonder how many other 2nd graders would put a scooter on their own mind maps?
Priesciently, I had made a scooter joke to this same teacher the day before when the mind map assignment topic was brought up.
When this story came out I felt like king of the uninverse.
It could only have been better had the brilliant little rascal had put the scooter behind bars, like in a bicycle rack. But surely that would have been too much to ask for.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Some current statistics about the Peter Files Blog and its Readers:
About one in 5 readers access the Peter Files Blog from a computer. This would tend to understate Mac ownership, because it is likely that at least some readers access this blog from work which is less likely to be Mac-friendly. This is especially true because the Peter Files Blog is a safe for work humor source and so can be viewed from work.
Near all other users are using Windows operating systems, though on a day to day basis, Linex and other users can be as high as 10 percent. Nearly all Windows users are using XP, though 2000, Millenium, and Server 2003 are used as well.
Blog visitors are most likely to arrive here from a search engine, bringing them to a page other than our home page which tends to feature 7 days of posts. Those who move on to our home page get so much to read on that second click that it is unusual for the average pages per visitor to exceed 2. However, the to achieve an average of 2 pages per reader, some are reading rather more.
Overall, while our blog visits are nearing 31,000, our pages viewed exceed 45,000, suggesting that the overall average is just under 1.5 pages viewed per person.
Since we started in February of 2005, 430 posts have been published on just about every subject under the sun. Interestingly, some of the same posts continue to draw the largest number of hits.
A post with a well-popularized version of a spoof on the Abbot and Costello skit known as "Who's on First" starring George Bush and Condaleeza Rice playing upon the name of Chinese Premier Hu, called "Hu's on First" gets one or more hits almost daily. The post has a link to an audio clip of the original Abbot and Costello Routine.
Then there is the Man Bites Shark post about a guy who accidentally pulled in a 700 lb shark, complete with pictures. People sure do love those shark pictures, there is another post with one somewhere in the 400 and it draws regular new readers too.
After that it's a mixture, and on any given day I am surprised about what a mixture it is. Often someone has come in through an RSS Feed direct to a recent post. That has increased not what there is an RSS subscribe button on every post. Subscribing to this blog with the RSS link in your browser bookmarks toolbar is a great way to check the headlines here regularly and pop in if something looks good.
I've gone on and on about international representation in the past. I am always surprised that there is always someone from Austrailia, Asia, the Pacific Islands, India, the Middle East and Europe Checking in. Perhaps it is largely people in the United States armed forces or Embassy staffs checking in on blogs from home, but that is not the feeling I get from those comments I check out.
I hope you found this interesting. If nothing else, you have learned that you can use the blue search box to search this blog for keywords you like for example: Best Of, Bush, Blondes, Funny Videos, Jokes, Parenthood, TV, Easter, Irish, Bunnies, Math, Da Bears, American Idol, God, etc.
Well, that's it for this post. Y'all come back now, hear?
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