Hard as it is to believe, the Peter Files Blog of Comedy has been, according to the video below, attacked and singled out on a variety of wild charges that we can't even believe he believes are true so are not going to dignify them with a response.
However, if Beck comes after someone as silly as us you might well ask, could you be next? Click on the link here to come back to the blog if this has been mailed to you, then click on the video link below.
What an outrageous video! You can see why we couldn't let it go by without comment.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole....
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
As a matter of fact, you might pause to wonder why the words "Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?" didn't give you pause to think further?
I mean, how many of us actually tool down to Antarctica for any reason, let alone wonder why polar bears aren't doing their jobs...
(If you were disturbed at all by that last comment, just right-click on the two highlighted links and you will feel lots better. Or lots more foolish depending on what that reveals about your cold weather animal habitat lore knowledge.)
In a continuation of my jokes forwarded from friends series, this one is from my most regular contributor Andy, who may have been thinking of our friend Mary when he forwarded it. Hee hee hee.
Four Retired Guys
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - All Drinks 10 Cents.'
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
'What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.
Then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,'What's with them?'
The bartender says,'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Wisconsin. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Yeah, stereotypes, don't you love them? Not that this could ever happen. Right? Well, probably not...
These "Idiot Sightings" were forwarded from my friend Holly. She has been careful. She's in a job where she probably sees a lot of idiots, but to save it, I can't tell you what it is, nor which side of the counter the idiots lie...
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired.. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower..' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS ..
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare..
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less..
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side..'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.
One last one:
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
If you liked these and have humor of your own to share, just send it to thepeterfiles blog at gmail.com and if its funny, I will post it and give it whatever credit you like.
Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!
Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.
According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.
The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.
It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)
Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.
It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.
However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.
Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.
Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.
The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.
Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine!
If you haven't guessed it already, its clear out the email night. Three posts in one night! This one is pretty darn good and comes from Mary Ellen. Thanks for a great one. You could be great too. Just upload a comment in a post and tell me what kind of credit you want, full name, first name, city, state, whatever. All the comments I get are scanned for approval first so your personal details won't go up there without my OK.
(Peter's note: Oak Lawn Park District shows are both fun to watch and be in. If you've ever wanted to be in a musical theater production, having singing and/or dancing talent, or want to work backstage, this may be the chance you've been looking for with very nice people and high quality productions. But expect to work HARD. Great shows don't get that way by accident, everyone here pulls their weight!)
The Oak Lawn Park District Theatre group has announced a casting call for its upcoming production of Seussical The Musical.
Auditions:
Sunday, May 4 from 1 - 5 pm, for children ages 8-12 and out of town college students. Monday, May 5 and Tuesday, May 6 from 7:30 – 10:30 pm for adults.
Come in proper attire and be prepared to sing and dance.
Auditions will be held at the Oak View Center, 4625 W. 110th Street.
Seussical will run for two consecutive weekends, August 1-3 and August 8-10.
First rehearsal will be on June 8th.
For more information on auditions or the production, call the Oak Lawn Park District at (708) 857-2200.
Patrick: Ah, its good to hear that the Americans have another good Irishman running for President, and a Democrat as well!
Michael: Who are you talking about?
Patrick: Why Senator O'Bama of course!
Hope this joke didn't turn you green!
If you want more Irish or St. Patrick's day jokes, just click the keywords below the YouTube.com videos, or enter a search for the words, or the word Ireland in the blue Google search box in the side bar.
If you get drunk enough, of course, feel free to donate to the blog using the donate now button, or by clicking ads with abandon and then doing things at those sites. No hacking there, please.
About the new YouTube Videos box, it is linked to about 68 hand picked comedy videos. They are excruciatingly funny and yet clean. They are always in the same order however, so once you've seen the first 7 you will have to hit the multiple window button which will bring up a selector for the videos, it will include an arrow selector for you to move to the next block of 7 videos on the right, and backwards on the left. The little pictures give you clues as to the content, but are not always a good clue.
For example, from the first picture, it is impossible to tell what funny stuff is in that video. I especially recommend the one with six guys at a table in a library. 5 Japanese, and what appears to be one African-Japanese. I dare you to keep from laughing at this one. The content is safe for work, except for the guffaws, snickers and hoots that may come out of your cubicle. On the other hand, if your boss starts to watch it, her or she will probably not be able to stop, nor stop laughing. It is totally non-sexist. Unless you think the abuse of men in a 3-stooges manner is somehow sexist.
Please do check out the sidebar. I've cleaned it up a LOT. There are a lot of new jokes listed in the favorite links and you must have noticed how much faster these pages load.
What ever you do on March 17th, the Imbibes of March, as I call it, drive safe, and remember that others may not be!
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Another Joke from my friend Andy. But is it really a joke?
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.--
Vote carefully this year!
Be like Andy, send me a joke and I'll give you credit. Just put it in a post comment and if I like it (probably) I will move it up to its own post and give you credit. Otherwise I will leave it in the comments section. The only things I edit out by the way are obscenity and obvious spam. If you have your own blog, even a competing comedy blog, feel free to mention it. I am happy to do cross links!
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a beer, along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.
I said, "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad."
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.
"Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now I have to finish your lawn."
I can now reveal that this is a reader joke and not a prayer reflection sent in by my somewhat naughty friend, MES. Not very naughty, just naughty enough to fool us. Good one, ME.
You too can be a reader-contributer, just put a joke in a comment and if I like it, I will move it into its own post!
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.
Nothing is wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate freedom? What is your IP address? We can get it from your internet provider you know.
If it is small enough we can do a Whois and know exactly who you are. Then get a picture from our spy satellites.
The Poor Cubs Are Dead An Original Parody By PJF To by sung to Oklahoma!'s"Pore Judd is Daid" By Rodgers and Hammerstein
Corrected 10/7/2007
The Poor Cubs Are Dead And down hang their heads Another season ends in despair
We thought they had a chance But the Diamondbacks offence Wiped us out in three straight games fair.
Poor Cubs, Poor Cubs, Poor Us, spending up to 2000 bucks.
The Poor Cubs are dead The Pennant race in shreds No more games till next spring lie ahead
Till then we have to weep Our Spirits they must seep As Sox fans rub '05 in once again.
Holy smoke, we're a joke And yet our spirits aren't quite broke Perhaps we aren't insane Long as we've got that goat to blame 'Cause Bartman doesn't stand the test of time.
The poor Cubs are dead But next season lies ahead And we drink so much that we will soon forget, soon forget That this year's little miss Was just short of Heaven's bliss As we root, root, toot the Cubbies once again.
Poor Cubs, Poor Cubs That's what they get for not being on regular TV.
Copyright 2007 by PJF and the Peter Files Blog all rights reserved.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
Thanks to my long time friend Debbie Z. for this one.
And in case you are wondering, no, as it happens, she is not blonde, but some of her best friends are, truly. Right, Jill?
A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid .....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right side hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because you're top is exposed and you are hanging out on your right side," he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY G__, I left the baby on the bus again!"
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
And there you have it, another sucessful fan submission.
Could the next one be yours?
Rebuttal jokes from blondes are always welcome!
Be sure to send your joke in to the address below or just put it in a comment with whatever attribution you'd like, a clean attribution, that is.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
To get back to Dr. Jeckle from where he could hide from Mr. Hyde!
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! Feel free to forward posts to your friends and to taunt them with your savvy nature for finding this blog first!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear on the sidebar may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com". Thank You!
---------------- Now playing: Tommy James & The Shondells - I Think We're Alone Now [Stereo] via FoxyTunes This post comes to us via my good friend Ken, who agonized over this piece of original writing almost as long as he agonized over the perfect way to display his photos and the perfect photo album. That's an exaggeration. The photo album search was a five year project, if it truly ended. That started long before the world of iTunes in the era of the original Mac. This piece took less than a month, perhaps less than a week, but it was clearly worth the effort.
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Have you been watching the debates? There are lots of questions but no clear answers. Maybe the questions are too complex for them? So we sent out a questionnaire to all the candidates with just one simple question and challenged them to answer it.
Here is the question and the candidate responses:
Question: What is 2 + 2?
Joe Biden: You want 2+2? You want 2+2. OK, this is how I’d do it. I would separate the 2’s which is something I suggested long before the question was asked. And I‘m the only one here who has been separating out 2’s. Then you combine the 2’s but only after we have an exhaustive, investigatory, probe…and we keep out the politics in a non political, political fashion. Furthermore, and I don’t say this lightly… oh, I’m out of time? OK. [Smile].
Sam Brownback: Those who adhere to "Science" may assert whatever number they choose but only He knows what that number truly is.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hey hey hey, you boys won’t get me with that one. Heh heh, hey.
Chris Dodd: As my distinguished colleague just eloquently said and that colleague is a dear friend of mine.
John Edwards: Well, I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d be honest with the American people. I would be straight with them. I would tell them directly.
Mike Gravel: None of you have the guts to add those numbers up. What is wrong with you people? I was adding them way back in the days when those numbers meant something. Who gives a **** anyway.
Rudy Giuliani: 911, 911, 911!! It’s not a 2+2 world anymore. I can’t believe you had the audacity to suggest otherwise. 911!
Duncan Hunter: Ronald Reagan. Uhhh, Ronald Reagan.
Dennis Kucinich: That is not something I would leave up to the greedy corporations and corrupt politicians and high bankrollers with hidden agendas to determine. That number belongs to you and me and the hard working folks of America.
John McCain: If we don’t add them there we’ll have to add them here. [Smile].
Mike Huckabee: As governor of that great state of Arkansas, I’ve done that. Now check out this guitar groove, southern style.
Barack Obama: Sure, we can all offer our own suggestions on that number but we must allow ourselves to go beyond all those preconceptions of mathematics. That is what makes us the great nation that we are.
Ron Paul: We cannot have the government dictating to us what numbers we should add. It is one of our basic inherit rights under the constitution to freely choose our own numbers; individually, freely, and without prejudice.
Bill Richardson: I’m the only one here who has been a legislator, chief executive, cabinet official, and ambassador but I am not a mathematician.
Mitt Romney: 3! No, 5! OK, what number do you want? Just say it. You can have it. It’s yours.
Tom Tancredo: OK. You say 2, but are those two legal 2’s? And I’ll bet the other two are terror 2’s. So you build a wall around the first two, bomb the others and then, then, I don’t know what but that’s what I’d do.
Tommy Thompson: That’s a whole bunch of crap. Oh 2+2? I thought you said doo plus doo and that would be doo-doo.
Alfred E. Newman: What does 2 + 2 equal? What me worry? I'm a Mad Magazine character, of course I'm going to win the election, in the magazine. Too bad for you it won't be in real life, I'd be better than that Bozo you have now. At least I know Osama isn't spelled S-a-d-d-a-m!*
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Ken's stuff here is so good that it makes me want to do my own list, but let's let Ken's list stand in its own glory. I'll save mine for another post. * Ok, I admit it, the last one, Alfred, is mine. He's a trademark of Mad Magazine.
Thanks for visiting the Peter Files Blog of Comedy! Bookmark us and come back soon! This one is really worth passing along to a friend, especially one who enjoys politics on either side of the fence, just click the envelope below to do just that. It doesn't put them on any lists, I don't get their address. They just get the joke!
---------------- Now playing: Neil Young - Sugar Mountain via FoxyTunes
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
This one's from my friend Andy who's married to a fiesty Italian lady who he first noticed when she started yelling at him from across the street while he was sitting in a barber chair. Seems she thought he had not been good to a girlfriend of hers, they tell it better. Two greater people it would be hard to find.
If you love Italians, this one's a great joke. Though, this joke has a somewhat universal appeal to those who know those who really cook.
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With a deep breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
For there, spread out up waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
Get outta here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"
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This comes from my friend MS for whom I have a whole backload of great jokes to put up. This is one of those clean jokes for people with dirty minds.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said:"You thought so .......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought so .......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.
This reminds me of a friend of mine who said recently:
And I thought Bush would be such a good President ......... but I was wrong.
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