Medical Jokes From Those In The Profession

These were submitted by my friend Andy S. and are hilarious and bear the marks of being traveled around the internet before coming to him. However, if they have been published by a copyright owner who cares, please let me know and I'll take it right down.

You can be like Andy and send me a joke and I'll give you the attribution you want, just send me a funny joke by submitting it in a comment with how you'd like it to appear. Since I approve all comments BEFORE they appear, any contact information you put in will not automatically go out onto the internet. Send me something funny and I'll make it a new post, just for you.

The oldest Doctor joke I know:

Patient: "Doctor, it hurts every time I turn my wrist this way!"
Doctor: "So, don't turn your wrist that way!"

Variants: Arm, Head, Hit myself with a Blank, etc.

Now to Andy's Jokes:

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1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed
that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"
I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Everybody laughs at kumquats! Why is that?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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