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Friday, June 08, 2007

Paris Hilton is Out of Jail on House Arrest After Totally Freaking Because:


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Paris Hilton is out of jail on house arrest after totally freaking because:
  • There wasn't a yummy mint on her prison pillow.
  • Prison Orange Jammies, like totally clashed with her UV-Tan.
  • The wake-up call was a wake-up-brawl.
  • Room service was like so hard to reach when you have to call it with a spoon tapping against a pipe and delivery takes like, forever!
  • TAPWATER! I'm so sure.
  • She couldn't get used to bed time foot wear that did not have pink fluffy hair.
  • There were no openings in "How to make a shiv class" while she was still going to be there, so, like what was the point.
  • When she got her prison clothes the shoe lady said "Minola who"?
  • After 12 hours of whining, E-block voted her out of the prison.
  • Like, nobody told her that her cell would not have a phone number!
  • The warden really got tired fast of all the faxes from her posse clogging up the prison's fax machine line. Especially the ones that seemed to originate from photocopiers at night.
  • During dinner the first night there was absolutely NO cilantro to be found!
  • During her interview for potential prison jobs, Paris and the prison work assignment staff came to the mutual realization that Paris actually had no skills that would be useful in a prison. Even library aide generally requires reading skills.
  • Paris didn't warrant a private cell, but mean time to cell-mate shrieking hysterically to "get out of this living hell" was about 15 minutes.
  • Even "Deaf Bertha" was driven crazy by the tap, tap, tapping on the bed, bars and floor every time Paris thought about money, shopping or.... Bertha lasted a whole half hour before signing her pleas to be "tossed in the hole". (Note: in the interest of sensitivity to those with physical disabilities, Bertha's real nickname has been softened to the considerably less offensive "Deaf Bertha". Come on, no one would believe for a second that anyone in a prison would be called "Hearing Impaired Bertha".)
  • Paris started seeing dark roots in the mirror that weren't really there.
  • The deal to get cameras in for a Very Special Summer Real Life With Paris Hilton and Mad Dog Margo fell through.
  • The paparazzi was getting on everyone's nerves a lot faster than anyone anticipated, the prison staff really wasn't used to dealing with people who broke into prison - and figuring out if it was o.k. to let them out once they caught them.
  • Confined space, ugly outfit, being told what to do and when to do it, it was like being 10 again! No, Doctor Shrink said this would never, ever, ever happen again. She promised!
  • Paris learned the hard way that unsynthesized vocal music can sometimes be subjected to harsh criticism after being moved to F-block. However, singing Cat Scratch Fever, Tied to a Whipping Pole, and Like A Virgin after midnight, showed questionable judgment at best.
  • Paris had an allergic reaction to the prison food - it had calories in it.

And if you believe those, I've got some land East of Evanston for you. Beautiful lake-front property....

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

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