I hit "Next Blog" and happened to come across an article on The Carpetbagger Report which criticized NewsMax, a politically conservative news magazine that reportedly pulled uber-gushingly flattering remarks about Ann Romney's appearance, after criticism about the unbalenced nature of those remarks started appearing in the media. They noted that this happened not long after publishing similarly gushing comments about Mitt's "Sensational Good Looks".
The Carpetbagger Journal described the covert changes, NewsMax did not tell its readers of the changes in the story, it just made the gushing words go puff in the intermist, as "unethical".
Of course, one has to wonder, if a publication is not actually publishing News, per se, is it held to the standards of journalism?
However, all this is not the real reason for this post, amusing as it might be to make fun of such Republican love-fest antics.
In the comments to the post, a brilliant reader known only as "Former Dan" wrote a brilliant musical parody that captures the essence of the struggle. I apologize that the attribution did not go into the "Clipped" version, I have to figure out how to edit that today.
Oh Romney, you’re so fine, You’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Romney! Hey Romney!
Hey Romney!!!
You’ve been around all issues, And that’s a little spun. I think you’ve got the right, And you think you’ve got it wrong. Why can’t you stay on topic But u can take my vote, Romney! Please take my vote Romney!
Cuz when you say you do, It always means you don’t. The hair givin’ me the chills, Baby please, baby don’t! Every night you spin Leave me all alone, Romney!
Oh Romney, what a pity, You don’t understand! You take me by the heart And you take me by the hand! Oh Romney, you’re so pretty Why can’t you understand? It’s guys like you, Romney! Oh, what you do, Romney Do, Romney, Don’t break my heart, Romney!
Oh Romney, you’re so fine, You’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Romney! Hey Romney!
It seems to me that The Carpetbagger Journal is making its own hint about whether NewsMax is actually a news source when it says:
"So, read NewsMax: the Tiger Beat of the 2008 Republican Primary."
The Disclosure That Should Not Be Needed: The Peter Files Blog is NOT a news source nor journalism of any kind. As such we reserve the right to update content as needed to maximize humor impact. This is especially true in the case of spelling, typing, and items of wit that occur to us at any moment in time. This is not good journalism, it is however a good reason for you to check back here from time to time just in case things have gotten funnier or at least clearer since last time. Though we make a good faith effort to get it right the first time.
If we make a major change, something really, really big, we usually do say something somewhere. But it is more likely that we will re-write it completely and pass it off as new stuff. This is the true advantage of a comedy, satire, parody blog over journalism - we do not have to have any relationship to reality because people don't expect what they read here to be true. Also in our favor is that most changes happen within 20 minutes of publication because sometimes the publish button gets hit instead of Draft. Hey, they are right there next to each other! In fact, in the first version of this post, Mitt's name was spelled Mitch, can you believe that? Ha, ha, ha, what a loser that author must be! Oh, right. It was me. Sorry, I'd change what I just wrote, but, I mean, given the flavor of this article, where DO I draw the line, right? Oh, thanks Peter, he says to draw it right under his name.
Power youth, charm and beauty overcame experience, showmanship and versatility in last night's idol finale which was a star-studded tribute to the contestants by those who had climbed the ladder in the past; the likes of: Tony Bennett, Bette Midler, Steve Tyler and so many more, helping to show off the talents not only of the idol contestants, but what it means to be a true American Master, as Tony Bennett did when he showed the kids how to take an ecstatic crowd of fans and literally drive them to their feet, Simon included, in appreciation of his raw talent and showmanship.
Since the only clip of Tony from the finale that I could find was 19 seconds long, here's one from the Dean Martin Show showing a much younger Tony singing Fool of Fools and what he sang last night For Once In My Life. Then, Deano, the Rat Pack's Jester of Suave, joins Tony for There is Nothing Like A Dame and Mame. All this almost 40 years ago, in 1968. Back when Tony was already an American Idol.
This American Idol 6 Finale show, as well as showing off the talents of the top two competitors, was solid entertainment from end to end, and one which I hope will be released in DVD format with the rest of the season's highlights as in past years. This time, I'd like to see the whole finale from start to finish though.
Jokes I made up about President Bush and Vice-President Cheney
Take President Bush, for example, say to the moon, now that would be good...
Have you noticed that ever since that scandal Cheney has been even more reclusive? No, not the shotgun in the face thing! The letting his friends get away with raising the price of gas to $4.00 a gallon or more before they get bounced out of office thing.
Designers are already busy working on wardrobe designs for the lame duck outgoing President and Vice-President for the Inauguration day presumed to be in 2009. They are a bit stymied though, there's not a lot you can do with tar and feathers.
There a lot of folks who say that George W. Bush has been the worst President in American history, I object to that, in fairness we should wait till the end of his term. He could still be impeached and be replaced by someone competent or incompetent enough to redeem enough of his reputation to put him ahead of some of the other 'worst President' examples.
With all his faults, President Bush is a fun guy to have at a B-B-Q. Like that one in Iraq he's been hosting for the last few years. He still has a few hosting issues to get over, like knowing when its time for everyone to go home.
You can't really blame the President for the current price of gas. It's not like he comes from a major oil producing state like Texas, has lots of friends and supporters in the oil industry, spent some of his early career trying to make money there, and can decide to help lower the price of gas by releasing some of our strategic oil reserves... oops. I guess he might be partially at fault for your Memorial Day Gas Prices. Remember to remember these gas prices during next Spring's primaries and the (Republican) party that helped bring them to you.
"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was President, and I like them during President, and I like them after President." --George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006
To be fair, not all Republicans can be blamed for these oil prices. Just the ones who took contributions from big oil. There might be a few Democrats in there too. We'll be remembering them too. Time to act now boys and girls whatever your party.
*Mr. President, that squiggly looking thing is a question mark. In this case it reflects irony, which has nothing to do with keeping your clothes pressed. Dick will explain if necessary.
"Wisdom and strength, and my family, is what I'd like for you to pray for." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007
(Ed. Note: We've clearly not been praying anywhere near enough!
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one." --George W. Bush, Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006
"Some call this civil war; others call it emergency -- I call it pure evil." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 28, 2007
"There are some similarities, of course (between Iraq and Vietnam). Death is terrible." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006
"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." --George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006
"One of my concerns is that the health care not be as good as it can possibly be." --George W. Bush, on military benefits, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself -- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." --George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006
"I'm a strong proponent of the restoration of the wetlands, for a lot of reasons. There's a practical reason, though, when it comes to hurricanes: The stronger the wetlands, the more likely the damage of the hurricane." --George W. Bush, New Orleans, March 1, 2007
"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
Interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007 "The solution to Iraq -- an Iraq that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself -- is more than a military mission. Precisely the reason why I sent more troops into Baghdad." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007
President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?" Peter Wallsten of the LosAngeles Times: "I can take them off." Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously." Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then." Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun." Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective." Bush: "Touche. --an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
Do not ask for whom the election tolled, it tolled for we!
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This is another one of those posts that have my older friends going - huh? What do you see in that show?
They just don't understand. Given a change in the age limits of the show that could be ME up there. Really. No kidding.
"Sure you say."
"Come' on producers, get rid of the age limits you cowards and let's see."
My relatives are laughing their heads off right now. Some of them. The others believe.
Anyway, I'm way off the track. If you found this post, its because you do care about who wins the American Idol Season 6 Finale: 25 year old Blake Lewis or 17 year old Jordin Sparks.
Blake Lewis - His Songs From The Season 6 Semi-Final Show + Comments from Jackson, Abdul and Cowell
Jordin Sparks - Her songs from the Season 6 Semi-Final Show Without Comments From Jackson, Abdul and Cowell
Because of the absence of te glowing remarks for Sparks, these videos are not really fair comparisons so try to ignore the judges, just pay attention to the performances if you are just coming to this for the first time.
I would have rather directed you to the Fox American Idol Music Video Page which shows many of Blake and Jordin's best performances, but there is so much demand on that server right now that the YouTube videos are the only way to see these videos. To make up for not having judges remarks for Jordin's Semi final performances, I include this one from an earlier show.
Jordin Sparks - On a Clear Day You Can See Forever
SO who will win?
As you might guess from my intro, I don't think that age should be a factor, period.
So Jordin gets no extra creds for being so talented at 17 and Blake none for being likely, possibly to be more stable at 25. All that counts is their singing.
That being said I think that they are both huge talents and think already that this is a win win for AI producers who probably have them already tied into contracts. Or should if they are not idiots. That being said, my personal feeling is that Jordin is more innovative, original, and has greater star power. Then again, she's a great looking babe.
But man can she sing.
Blake is also phenomenally talented. He has lots of fans and ahs he history of Soul Patrol dynamics working for him. Women voting for him because he's hot, men to keep up the faith, and many just because he is talented.
On the other hand, Jordin has charisma, natural talent, beauty, charm, power and the ability to make a song her own.
I think that the results will be very close.
So how will it go. Are you going to make a difference?
If so, are you going to take advantage of your chance to vote for free perpetually to vote for someone you like, or mess things up?
Popular strategies:
1) Pick the ones you like and vote for them using auto redial as often as possible. Using more than one line if possible to hit the alternate numbers and a computer and second line if you have them.
2) Convince friends and family to engage in the same screwy behavior. If close to a time zone line be prepared to drive across the time zone line to get in an extra hour of calling, especially if you are on the boarder of Mountain or Pacific time.
3) I've not checked out votefortheworst.com but you have the option of following their lead or voting against it just for spite.
4) Here's one I thought of today. Just boost the numbers up as high as possible just to tie up the phone lines by voting for each candidate in sequence as long as you can. Just do your best to generate a huge volume of calls. Every call you make may block other calls trying to stack the deck, so by slipping your calls in you are actually making the competition fairer because you always vote for one after the other. You don't switch until you are sure a vote gets through.
Remember, you can vote as many times as you want. The best way to do this is to have two phone extensions on the same line, or two lines and pay attention. But have one dedicated to a number for each candidate. Then you just hit redial on each phone until you get through. Stopping on the other until you get the other ones vote to go through. The end result is an even number of votes for each.
Fun huh?
Even better if your computer does it for you.
Well there are my thoughts.
I thought this season was pretty good. Melinda is well on her way to being the Jennifer Hudson of this season. Watch for her at the Grammy's next year, and don't forget to visit here again!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
As The International School of Blog Repair became more popular, we realized that many of our students were using their high salaries from blog repair to go skiing, but found that many facets of skiing, unlike blog repair, were not intuitively obvious to the casual observer.
With that in mind we have culled the experiences of our top Blog Repair School Instructors, some of our best graduates, and other internet resources to provide this free guide for those who contemplate taking up skiing next season.
We strongly feel that the key to success in any undertaking is preparation and so we offer this guide to those who have always wanted to ski like a pro, but have never had the time to learn. Going to a ski resort and learning there is incredibly expensive. But what if you could learn years of lessons in the year before you went up? Why you would save perhaps thousands of dollars and years of time.
You might ask, why would we do such a thing? Offer a valuable program like this for free?
First, we want to serve our own Instructors and Graduates. Somehow, those attracted to Blog repair are also attracted to rugged high adventure activities such as skiing, skydiving, scuba diving, and doing their laundry at laundry bar cafes. Who knew?
Next, we are pretty much absolutely unqualified to give out this kind of advice. Skiing seems to make sense to us, so we offer this course to you on a "take this advice completely at your own risk basis".
We feel this is fair because skiing is also a take this at your own risk sort of enterprise and you are free at anytime to say nope - that's just crazy.
Finally, since people who wind up being graduates of our International Blog Repair School tend to like skiing, we hope the reverse is true and that you will consider enrolling there. In the words of the nearly immortal Stan Lee, "Nuff said".
The International School of Skiing Instruction Unqualified Guide to Preparation for Skiing A Jump Start to Learning to Ski For Next Season Follow this Advice At Your Own Risk It was composed by utter Morons For the Benefit of Future Skiers Please make The International School of Blog Repair or The Peter Files Blog Your New Insurance Policy Beneficiaries Before You Start Skiing
Now that spring is here, it is s time for potential new skiers to start getting ready for next year's skiing season. I'm not kidding, you'll need the time. Before you know it, next season will be here. You will need lots of preparation to be ready for your first season on the slopes, hence, the following list of helpful exercises to get you prepared.
As far as we can tell, never having skied ourselves, these are THE definitive exercises for those who wish to truly prepare for an aggressive skiing season; ignore them at your peril for they will prepare you both physically and psychologically:
20. Forget that image of the broken-legged skier in the lodge, soaking up the flames and the babes. Once you are lame, they consider you as a lame candidate for romance, unless your watch is a Rolex or better and your car is a Ferrari: they know the difference between the real thing and a knock-off.
You might as well destroy and wardrobe from Sears, Kmart, or Target it this is your plan. Also, there are pictures of all the phony casts made by zip on, zip off cast manufactures in the ladies rooms, so you can forget that angle. A few even have portable x-ray machines stashed in their large purses which they sometimes use to examine more than leg damage! I would explain more but the editor has restrained me from exposing their full tactics as this is supposed to be a safe for family blog.
19. Build a permanent ladder up to the roof of your house. Build a series of rollers down to the ground along one side so that you can practice from rooftop. Important: Your artificial slope MUST extend beyond the ground at the base of your house for at least fifteen feet or an inconvenience will occur that will not be that dissimilar to inconveniences you will experience regularly on the slopes your first few days or weeks depending on your physical strength and agility. Do not try the cross-ski method of stopping on this test slope. It will not work and may lead to significant unplanned vertical lift and descent with added rotation and momentum upon landing.
18. Read the posts on skiing forums that describe different skiing resorts, their facilities, and their training facilities for new skiers. Try to stay away from resorts that cater solely to untrained snow bunnies as these will be too crowded and thus hazardous for your first time efforts. Ignore warnings about dangerous slopes, the lack of easy slopes, and killer descents as these warnings are primarily designed to keep the real snow bunnies away.
Even though this will be your first season on skis, you will not be a snow bunny: You will have completed these exercises making you vastly more prepared for the skiing season. It is worth noting the dates for something called "avalanche season". It is better to avoid skiing in the middle of this time period. Though very scenic snow events can be seen from the safety of the snow lodge at the beginning an end of the season. Be sure to be uphill of the snow lodge during these periods.
17. It is now time to begin serious pre-season conditioning in earnest. This will be challenging. But remember, as with the rugged training given to sword masters of old, while painful, each of these exercises is meant to prepare you and condition your body for the experiences and trauma you may experience on the slopes. Your fist task will be to learn how to roller blade with ski poles until you are skilled enough to grab a woman's purse without being stopped by her boyfriend. Then you must add $50 to the purse, and ski by again to return it without getting caught by said boyfriend or arrested. You must select a girl with a beefy boyfriend and it is wise to pick someone who appears to be unarmed, at least at first. As you get better at this exercise, increase the degree of difficulty by adding a note "Thanks for last night, you were great!" to the cash, and come by a third time after the note has been opened and read and grab a kiss. This will teach you some basics of skiing, the cost of skiing, and the physical cost of making a mistake. It may also get you a new girlfriend. This last possibility may be far more expensive than taking up skiing--you have been warned.
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Then wear them again for an hour or until you lose feeling in one or both hands. Remember not to do heavy work like hammering if your hands seem frozen. While your gloves are being iced up again slowly warm your hands up to avoid gangrene and loss of fingers.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. The mark it leaves will be very similar to the mark left on the head of a skier who passes out in bed after a wild night of partying having forgotten to take of his goggles. If questioned in a ski shop about it during the off season, just mumble something like "Y'know, I'm just trying out the virtual thing, for kicks, y'know". Since the top level virtual thing is primo expensive, this could mark you as a radically rich skier, a rep that could do you well if you meet this person on the slopes later.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. This will help train your eyes to detect clues through the most inclement weather. It will also help you to focus through distractions such as a glue based contact high. Elmer's will not work. Do not do this more than twice. Be sure to put the glue on THE OUTSIDE of the lenses. If you do not know the inside from the outside of the lenses try professional merry-go-rounding instead of skiing. I hear they are considering it as a trial Olympic sport for the 2016 Olympics.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. You'll need the practice. And again-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Knee pads, shoulder pads and helmets are for sniveling rat faced gits and are not allowed.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. If you live in California or Florida please remember that you must use shoes and not sandals or the point of this exercise is lost. If you live in the Third World, please remember that the shoes must be without large holes in them for the same reason. Of course, then step 12 would be impossible for many of you.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. If you do not have a friend willing to do this, show up at a practice at any local high school or college football team and offer your services as what is called a "tackle dummy". Don't worry what a tackle dummy is. As the Jesuits say, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. If the nearest McDonald's never has lines, go to the nearest TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback Steak House, Olive Garden, or any restaurant with lines long enough to have those E.T. light up seating lights that tell you when your table is finally ready, wait for it to light up, then hand it to any "deserving looking" couple or group with $8.50 or more, say, "I want to be like Earl" and leave immediately.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. If you do not have access to a motorcycle, sneak up on top of any large truck at a nearby truck stop that you might be able to clip onto, then raise yourself up once it is going 70 mph for the same experience. Watch out for low overhangs and Smokey. Long jail terms tend to interrupt the training progress.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. If possible, skitch behind the truck by tying a tow line to the back of the truck and let it pull you behind it in the snow. This works best on lonelier highways where you are less likely to be noticed. Short tow ropes help as they will put you right in the path of the most blinding snow. You may wear a little padding here to account for the salt kicked up with the snow. You may also rig a watter bottle feed to your helmet as the salt may make you thirsty. While it is possible to skitch without the tow rope, it is very difficult to do this for longer than an hour in most cases.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. True ski warriors will have several blenders lined up in sequence with the last two having a Diet Coketm and Mentos load to launch a truly awesome spray your way.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. The inner suit should be a wet suit. Practice in or near the tub at first.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. All right, if your thum is leading to a fatal condition you may go to an emergency room obviously, but no visits for pain, cuts, or scratches. Pump up dudes and dudettes.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing, slipping on your ski boots for the first time, ignoring the weather warning, and roaring down the expert hill like 007. Try to avoid acting like 009. (He died in Octopussy in a clown suit. What a humiliating way to go. Not even shaken or stirred.)
Extra credit: Avalanche practice: Go back to the football (or rugby team) and ask the entire team to periodically attempt to pile on you as you race across the field. You and they are not allowed to start until the coach fires a track pistol that simulates that crack that an avalanche makes at the start. You must wear skis, if they catch you they are to pile on you for one hour. Your goal, attempt to keep breathing. Advice: Make this the first exercise of the day so that their need for showers does not asphyxiate you.
If you have taken most of the above steps (really, who could survive them all):
Congratulations! You now are as prepared for your first season of skiing as this course can make you. Take this advice at your own risk! This course is designed only for those who wish to avoid the mundane work of classwork and learn the practical basics of skiing right up front.
This being said you are hereby awarded the certificate:
Junior Associate Cadet Knowledgeable in Acquired Skiing Skills
Add the initials for this certification after your name proudly whenever you wish to show your dedication to skiing or to sport, or are seeking enrollment in The International School of Blog Repair Technicians!
(Our thanks to jokeoftheday.com which provided the framework and original source for the skiing tips in this post which have undergone considerable editing and expansion. These tips have been greatly expanded upon by the Peter Files Blog and integrated into our other humor streams. Again, in case you are truly dense or hung over and missed it. This post is a joke, satire, whatever you call it, DO NOT TRY ANYTHING IN THIS POST! Do not forward this post without this warning!)
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
I am the product of a Jesuit education. For those of you who don’t know what that means, check out the work of Bob Newhart who has been similarly twisted by years in Jesuit classrooms.
For those who have never had contact with Catholic education, high school and college Catholic programs are often administered by orders of priests and nuns. Generally, each of these religious orders was founded by an individual who placed his or her own mark upon their order. The Franciscans were started by St. Francis of Assisi, the Benedictines by St. Benedict, and the Jesuits by St. Ignatius Loyola, for example.
Each order lives under a “rule”, takes certain “vows” and/or has certain aims, goals or traditions. Jesuits for example, live under poverty, chastity and obedience and serve the pope. Their specialty is education and Jesuit Schools are also among the finest schools in the world.
Naturally, with all these different orders running around for centuries, there are bound to be a few jokes as well! Here are some ones featuring Jesuits. Not always to their advantage.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. (from "A Catholic Dictionary")
There are three things that even God does not know about the Church:
1. How many congregations of religious women are there? 2. How much money do the Franciscans have stashed away? 3. What are the Jesuits going to do next?
The Franciscans, Dominicans, and Jesuits were having a big meeting that went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out in the meeting room. The Franciscans immediately took out guitars and sang songs, while the Dominicans began preaching; but the Jesuits went to the basement, found the fuse box and reset the breaker.
Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked, but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke, but not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.
The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.
The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, have you thought about where to send the boy to school?"
An Augustinian, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit all die and get to heaven. Jesus asks each one, "If you could go back, what would you change"?
The Augustinian ponders a while and says, "There's so much sin in the world. If I went back, I'd try and stop people from sinning so much." The Franciscan thinks a bit and says, "There's so much poverty in the world. If I went back, I'd try and get people to share more of their wealth with the poor." The Jesuit looks at Jesus and quickly replies, "If I went back, I'd change my doctor."
(For this next joke it’s helpful to know that Jesuits live on a strict vow of poverty, last time I checked it their budget for incidentals, shaving cream, etc. was $25 a month, might be up to $50 now)
A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans' kitchens.
An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. So, the next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar.
A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber gets to work, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."
On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."
Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."
Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.
(Naturally the money went to the Jesuit Missions where it would be used for those above the ground.)
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist Monk were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating about whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask for an answer from God when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and decided to go to the throne of God to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:
My beloved children,
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both of your orders are equally great and good in my eyes.
*A Jesuit might sign his name Fr. Felix Just, S.J. The S.J. standing for Society of Jesus, the full name of the Jesuit order. Fr. Just in fact compiled most of the humor in this post which has been edited and expanded upon in the interest in humanizing the people behind the orders who serve God.
Hope you enjoyed these. If you have your own that you'd like to share, just send them to me at the address below and I would be happy to post them for you.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefi t of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". (Click the link for the original Rogers & Hammerstein Lyrics.)
Here are the lyrics she allegedly used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,< /STRONG> These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and nneed for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
Unfortunately, while the lyrics are very funny, Ms. Andrews, sadly did not and could not have sung them on the day in question due to vocal cord surgery gone wrong that wiped out her ability to sing in 1997. Though removing the cancer may have saved her life, Ms. Andrews own Sounds of Music will probably never be the same again.
For more information on this and other stories that seem a little to good to be true try out Snopes.com which is a great source for finding out the truth behind urban legends.
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Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors,mentors,flash cards,special learning centers. In short,everything they could think of to help him improve. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they enrolled Zachary in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and began studying.
When his mother went up to his room to check on him, books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. Later, she called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, Little Zachary marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books again.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at the report card and, to her great surprise, little Zachary had gotten an "A" in math!
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it - the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, No.
"Well,then,"she asked, Was it the books,the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".
Now that's a case of some genuine reflection if ever I saw one!
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Limited Engagement! Two Weekends Only! June 1,2,3, 8,9,10
Starring!
The Engineer John B. Boss Kim Monica Reyes Chris Brian Brady John Scott Podraza Ellen Mara Goldman Thuy Mike Apuada GiGi Gina Guarino Club Owner Kim Brines
Marie Piotrowski, Marita Miller, Maureen Shaffer, Ruth Morales, Christina Connor, Jamie Martinez, Sharon Canariato, Lauren Carroll, Laura Swiat, Alexis Ayala, Kyle Ryan, Brian Whitlock, Matt Murphy, Ryan Martinez, Jeff Kurysz, Orlando Gonzalez, Stephan Gerez, and Chris Hasson.
At Oak View Center 4625 W. 110th Street Oak Lawn, IL. 60453
Fri and Sat at 8:00pm Sundays at 3:00pm
Running time with intermission: 2 hours 40 minutes
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
A new hotel employee was asked to clean the elevators and report back to his boss when the job was done. When the employee failed to appear at the end of the day his boss assumed that like many others he had simply not liked the job and left.
However, after four days the boss bumped into the new employee. He was cleaning in one of the elevators. "You surely haven't been cleaning these elevators for four days, have you?" asked the boss, accusingly.
"Yes sir," said the employee, "This is a big job and I've not finished yet - do you realize thaat there are over forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes they are not even there.."
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The cast is a great one and includes at least one famous Chicago Radio Celebrity, but you'll have to figure out who on your own! Maybe I will see you there!
Area Theater Producers. I support community and semi-professional theater and love to put up free theater notices for Chicago area theater groups, so if you have a notice, send one to me WELL IN ADVANCE of your performance (if you can) to thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and I will see what I can do. I am happy to post pictures (I prefer links to them) as well.
Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here generated by outside sources may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
I was looking through old strips of the comic day by day by the stingingly funny and politically relevant Chris Muir, which you can see new every day in the comments section of each Peter Files Blog post. That's because the talented and generous Mr. Muir allows us mere bloggers to do so for free. Thanks Chris! I think your strip is great!
You can also see day by day if you come to a post directly through the recent posts list on the sidebar, or do a Google search of our blog using the blue box above that takes you to any single post, for example, yesterday's superhero parodies of the Mac commercials or that great epic How You Give a Cat a Pill.
We used to host day by day at the top of the page but got comments that it took too long to get to into each of our daily posts (not everyone is surfing on a high speed line), so we moved day by day into the insides of our blog, but it is still accessible to you every day. Check it out! It's worth it.
To see today's day by day entry, for example, if you have not come directly to this post alone, just click on the name of this post, or on the comments section line, and it should appear at the bottom of that page!
Day by day also appeals to a slightly older crowd, and while not adult, we have made it a little harder for the 10 and under crowd to find. Not that I am getting any feedback that the 10 and under crowd are reading this blog, but it is supposed to be SFH and, well some of the day by day outfits are a bit skimpy.
But I found this one worth bringing to the top. It follows in the vein of yesterday's Marvel vs Action videos.
If you liked this one and want to see more, just right-click on it to go to the day by day web page and that will allow you to go back and read strips going back to 2002, and add the strip to your own blog for free if you like.
Kids Joke heard in passing*:
Q: Why did the sucker cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken!
*From an honest to goodness kid, imagine that. I really liked that one. I think it was, after the surprise of an actual original answer to a chicken-across-the-road joke, imagining just how annoyed that chicken might be with a sucker stuck to its feathers. Laughing further, I realized we not had a motivation for the chicken to get across the road, to get to some water to get the darn sucker off his back! Hope you like it too.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
Revised: Since this was first posted on YouTube.com the video was taken off YouTube and replaced with this copy from another source. This may mean that the other source has a better claim, it may mean that both have problematic histories. If you are the owner of this piece and do not want it to appear on this blog, please let me know. Otherwise I will assume that there was an original error and that this has been corrected.
If you have not been a fan of the online video websites where you can upload and see non-adult amateur video, you may have missed this new trend in uploaded videos.
Video geniuses add a tab or two of Mentos candy to bottles of Diet Coke and watch the resulting explosive reaction, far greater than you get with baking soda and vinegar, with amusement and glee.
I'm not sure who started this current trend, but this video may darn well finish it. Called the Mentos Diet Coke show was originally submitted by Nieuwszicht to YouTube.com, this video takes the "pop a Mentos candy into a liter bottle of Diet Coke and run so you don't get wet" joke to the level of an art form as they bring us a fountain of Diet Coke and raise it to an art form.
While not exactly Buckingham Fountain, their Diet Coke show IS worth watching with a well-timed and amusing array of effects that was good enough to get the group on Late Night with David Letterman.
Add the white raincoats and soundtrack and you have something special here. If you like it, send your friends here to see it!
The kiddies are already trying this at home, so I am not sure what good a warning will do! But if you do want to spend the money to try this at home, do wear a raincoat, protect your eyes with good eye protecting goggles from the hardware store, and be carefull, watching out for flying objects. Really, don't do this at home.
Kudos to Nieuwszicht for having not only one of the best videos out, but one of the hardest to spell, thus reducing the chance of imitation. LOL!
Of course, if their success leads someone to top them, so be it! Only greater laughs are in our future.
See you in Diet Coke Orbit.
Peter
Diet Coke and Mentos are registered trademarks of their parent companies.
Just use the little envelope to forward your favorite jokes to your friend family and co-workers. You'll be glad you did. We're Safe for Home and Work - no naughty bits!
If you've missed the Apple and PC commercials go to Apple.com to see them first - they point out the many, many advantages of Macs over PC's in many areas: user friendliness, graphics, fun, lack of crashing, etc.
These brillint and hysterically funny parodies, produced by YouTube.com contributor ItsJustSomeRandomGuy parody the PC Vs Mac TV commercials and pit rival publishers DC Comics and Marvel Comics through their respective Superheroes Superman and Spiderman, both of which have had recent movie experience.
The rivalry between the two publishing houses has gone on for decades. Marvel Comics produces or has produced Spiderman, X-Men, The Fantastic 4, Thor, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America and many other gritty strips.
DC Comics has a long history of publishing including Batman, Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, Catwoman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow. the short lived, Forever People, and The Shadow of the 70's and more recently, Krypto - The Super Dog, currently a staple of the current WB Saturday lineup, though Krypto's comic book seems to have stalled after 5 or 6 issues, possibly because his main audience is aged 4-8 and a bit too young to buy comics for themselves..
Here they are, some commentary to follow!
Hi! I'm a Marvel, and I'm a DC... (Welcome Back Superman!)
Hi! I'm a Marvel, and I'm a DC... (Good Times, Good Times)
Hi! I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC... (It's Still Moving,)
Hi! I'm a Marvel, and I'm a DC... (You Got Dock Ock and I Got A Rock)
Hi! I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC... (Batman and Spidey Compare)
Hi! I'm a Marvel and I'm Batman (The Dark Knight Adds Perspective)
These videos have cast Marvel in the Mac role, suggesting that DC comic characters are lame compared to the Ma rvel Super heroes, but in the Marvel vs DC comic book conflict I have always leaned towards towards DC, though I read pretty much everything I could get my hands on.
There used to be a small store a half block west of the Rexal Drugs west of Ellis at 79th Street in Chicago in the 60's, a little hole in the wall really. The owner would buy new a 12 cent comic book for 7 Cents and sell it for 10, a used one for 3 and sell it for 5, and 80 page or a 100 page giant for 10 cents and sell it for 15. My brother and I could pool our allowances and through judicious recycling, could strech our combined 45 cents allowance into quite a bit of weekly reading, even if we spent a nickle or dime on candy.
The big battle was not to spend 12, (later 13) cents for a brand new comic book, though we often could not help ourselves. Trading at straight value was of course a good deal, but this was where relative value of comics came in and the DC/Marvel controversy would come in.
Generally, except for Spiderman and the Fantastic Four, DC Comics were preferred to Marvel, at least a bit, so in multi-issue trading, you often got an extra issue if you were canny. Of course, if you had DC 100 page giants (or 80 page giants which they published instead when they were trying to keep from raising the face cost of the comic books) Marvel often had no equivelent. And so you could get extra issues that way.
Then there were always cross-overs to consider. The Marvel heroes did not cross-over nearly as much as the DC heroes did at first. So that gave us a lot more to buy.
Anyway, I hope you liked these.
If they don't all play I will come back and split this into several posts!
Ta for not!
And hey, Krypto is a little juvenile but fun for little kids. Batdog is so dry in his humor he is a scream.
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Once again our readers are strongly cautioned that "Dr. Pete" is not a doctor nor qualified to give advice of any kind, especially not medical advice*. He just thinks he is. You would be better off listening to the advice of a can of worms, if you could hear it, than taking any comments by Dr. Pete as advice. If you can hear the advice of a can of worms, we suggest that you seek medical attention immediately. This is normally the sign of big, big trouble.
Once again it is time for another "session" with Dear "Dr. Pete". Dr. Pete is our consultant Pzychotherapist with no qualifications whatsoever - so what he says does not qualify as advice, barely gossip. But once in awhile it is fun to listen in as he discusses problems with those who are crazy enough to ask him questions.
Dear Dr. Pete,
Ever since I was in a car accident on the Darn Ryan expressway 15 years ago I have been afraid to drive farther than the end of the block and back even though I own the safest car in the world and have installed extra emergency padding and some of the escape features that I remember from the cartoon classic "Speed Racer" that were on the Mach 5. My trouble is, unless I can figure out a way to get my car to jump out of the way of dangerous dust particles like the car in the TV show, I could skid out of control some day and get an owie.
This makes me worry day and night. The walk to the train is really far. By the time I get to the train I am so worried about other cars skidding on dust particles that I often am spinning around in circles trying to blow them off the streets waving my arms so that the cars will see me and not hit me when they skid out of control. How can I fix my car so I can drive to the train station?
Dusty
Dear Dusty,
I zink dat you are cookoo nutzo. I zimpzize vit you vor havink had an accident. Zis can be a traumatic zing and many people have trouble drivink aveterwards a baddy. But zince you do not mention un injury, und you levt a phone number and I spoke vit your wive who said you did not get un "owie" az you call it, I zink you have taken zis un blown it vay, vay, vay out of proportion.
Normally, I vould zay you had panic diztrezz dizorder, vich I encourage you to google und read about. But zince you are vorried about dust particles making your car zkid out of control bubby, I zink you are a fruity loop.
A two zousant pound car, zay a volvo, cannot zkid out of control when it rollz over duzt. Duzt iz not zlippery, nein, nein, nien, you nincompooper!
You could roll over un banana zkin un ztil not havt zee problem vift zee zkidding! Inztead I zink zee banana eez in your brain. Ach!
I zink you zhould zink about vether vhat you really like to do is pretend to be un Jet airplane on your vay to work! Zat would explain maybe zee arms waving and zee puffink zat you are doink. Or, you could just be a dink-donk who needs zee intense zychozerapy zat only zee greatezt ov zee worldz provessionals can provide.
Howefer, I hesitate to reccomend vun because I tink you vould drive dem crazy! I certainly do not vant you in my ovvice, vit your vavink, und your puffink, und your whinink about a travvik accident vifteen yearz old.
Zee only zink I can do, iz quote zee inzights of zee legendary zhrink Dr. Robert Hartley. Vhen convronted vith a behavior like behink unable to drife varther dan zee end of zee block, hiz advice is zee only zing you can try. In ezzence it iz ziss.
"Shtopp IT! Just SHTOP IT"
But, you vill zay
"Shtopp IT!" But,
"Shtopp IT!"
But
"Shtopp IT!"
My humble verds are a pale imitation of dis master zo I vill zuggezt zat you zearch vor hiz work vich vas richly covered on zee "Bob Newhart Show".
Zat is all zee help I can ovver in a caze ov Cookoo-Woowoo like you hafe written to me about today.
Now, iv you had written to me about being anxiouz about zkidding on zigars, zat is zomtink I could have helped you vith!
Dr. Pete
Well, Dr. Pete offers us an interesting insight into an unstable mind, once again leaving us with the question: who is more crazy - the writer or Dr. Pete? Tune in again for another exciting episode, when Dr. Pete sends us one. If you have a question for Dr. Pete please send it to: ThePeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and your question could become ridiculed, twisted and subjected to the worst possible interpretation ever. Here are some reader reactions to Dr. Pete.
It is a good thing that Dr. Pete is a fictional character, he would never last as a real shrink. Hinky Shmoe, Wombat, Australia
Dr. Pete is the greatest thing ever. He has really helped me in my major policy decisions. I am very sorry that I have to keep my name anonymous. HEY, I'll just use another initial. No one will guess that! X, Washington, D.C.
I believed Dr. Pete's help once and I wound up in a box down by the church! Heed Peter's warning. Don't follow anything Dr. Pete says. Kenny RIP, Graveyard, CA
There you have it. All the testimony you could want.
*Strictly speaking, "Dr. Pete" is a fictional character. Taking the advice of fictional characters, is as Dr. Pete might term it, "Shtupid!". We do not mean to insult you. We just realize the possibility that this page may be viewed by younger visitors or those who may need this spelled out directly that this is a comedy and parody page and taking this stuff as advice might lead to unfortunate incidences. Like the time we had to withdraw the post about speed eating pretzels, or the one about invading the wrong country just for fun...
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
clipped from www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com
Home of the Best Doctor Who Podcast in Time and Space
