HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Adults)
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, 'That's a nice kitty.' Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under futon.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. Bandage forefinger. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well. Note: do not allow cat's claws to rest against your bare chest whilst attempting this maneuver without checking first that you have antibiotic ointment and bandages in your medicine cabinet.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, 'Who's the the boss here anyway?' Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops! Remember not to do this near the litter box next time as you brush yourself off.
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to new wounds (yours). Try to ignore the fact that cat is looking at you as if nothing has happened and that something is wrong with you for having te half crazed look on your face, surely a cat is too refined and noble ever to drool like that for any reason.
18. Take two aspirins & lie down. Consider the virtues of virtual pets and robotic ones, the iKitty will even play your fave tunes, and the good that donating your cat would do to the longevity of a senior citizen such as your mother.
19. Immediately become plagued with guilt, especially if you are truly expert at it, ie., Catholic or Jewish, or in some cases, a cat-lover, even after a nightmare such as this, and decide to keep the treacherous fur ball for at least another week, or until Amvets calls looking for donations.
20. Smile knowing that the ASPCA cannot fault you for fitting yourself in one of those boxes on your doorstep for AMVETS to pick up as long as you call them first and leave the keys under the mat for them behind and enough money to pay for room and board for kitty's natural life.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Children Under 6)
1. Put Pill Between Teeth.
2. Give cat a kiss right on the mouth. When surprised cat opens its mouth spit the pill into the back of the cat's mouth, then ticke its tummy.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Children Ages 7-12)
1. Grind up pill and mix it with cat food.
2. If that doesn't work, grind the pill up and mix it into heavy cream with sugar.
3. Tell mom that putting crushed pill in your facorite brand of ice cream worked. Try it if you feel like it.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL (Instructions for Teenagers)
1. Give the cat plush doll that looks as much like Paris Hilton as possible, re-stuffed with catnip.
2.Tape the cat for You-Tube getting totally wasted as it does triple backward somersaults off of chairs, spins in circles, attempts to fly, and pounces on the doll and tries to chew it, tear it and do all manner of odd things to and with it.
3. Wait till it gets the munchies, then give it the pill in a little tuna puff pastry.
4. Upload the video to YouTube.com and include the part where you give the cat a pill. The video becomes the most highly rated video of all time.
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
We strive to keep our humor and comments safe for home and work. Some of the links that appear here may not meet our standards. If this appears on a regular basis, please let us know at "thepeterfilesblog dot gmail dot com". Thank You!
After a long, long hiatus, Doctor Who has returned to Channel 11, WTTW Chicago's Public Television Station on Sunday Nights at 11pm central with a repeat on Saturday nights at 11:30pm central.
The first episode of of the new Series One, Rose, premiered in Chicago on Sunday, April 22, 2007, so if you are just seeing this for the first time, you can see it on Saturday at 11:30pm.
Of course, the sci-fi channel has been running the new Doctor Who for awhile now, but perhaps you have not seen it yet, or like me, do not have cable, or satellite TV.
Perhaps you've heard of Doctor Who? No? Sigh... Well, this is really big for me, I watched Doctor Who on 11 all through the 70's and 80's with my brother when we were in on Saturday nights all too often. Initially Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker were primarily in rotation, but eventually Peter Davison and the others followed.
WTTW management did not miss the fact that the pledge volume and dollar value was really high during Doctor Who and the show lasted a really long time. We loved it. Here was interesting, stimulating, and dangerous SF. Much better than Battlestar Gallactica or Knight Rider. Though Kit gave Pertwee's jalopy a run for its money.
But the new series has a lot more to offer in many ways.
BBC Television. Science Fiction. Doctor Who started in the mid 60's as a children's television program, but hugely successful. CF., Batman but with a much, much, much longer run.
When an actor playing "The Doctor" leaves the show, rather than stop the series, "The Doctor", a Time Lord who travels through time and space in his TARDIS, which looks for all the world like a blue Police Box (a small phone call box for Bobbies in London), regenerates, literally transforms into a new shape and person.
In this new series being shown on Channel 11, we see the Ninth Doctor played by Christopher Eccleston, one of the most exciting and interesting of the Doctors so far and Billie Piper playing Rose Tyler, his companion. The Doctor tends to pick up companions, mostly human, who travel with him to assist him and ask the questions ever present in our minds.
While the original series has an incredible depth of plot, history, characters and content, don't worry, you need know nothing going into this new Doctor Who series.
I can give you some things to interest you.
As science fiction, the new season (I have seen all of Seasons 1 and 2 now) is outstanding with tremendous special effects, engrossing thought provoking plots and adventures, and surprises and fun at every turn.
As television, its a romp, fast moving, highly paced, it has the rhythm of "24", the humor and warmth of "Friends", the terror (sometimes) of CSI and "Aliens", and a really good score.
At the same time, the characters of the Doctor and Rose are very compelling. There emerge strong feelings and partnership between them. Both are forced to grow beyond themselves. Other characters such as Mickey and Rose's Mother also become very important.
As an actor, I enjoy the heck out of this show. Some of the best acting on TV and I mean this. If they were not doing some of the best special effects on TV (a complete reversal of the past), if all they had was a bare stage a few chairs and a 40 watt bulb, the acting is so compelling from the leads that you might still be drawn in to watch week after week.
Some of that is Chris, some of that is Billie. A lot of that, is the chemistry between them, and it is not just romantic chemistry, but the whole package, humor, intelligence, timing, the whole lot.
If you are impatient, both Series 1 & 2 (with David Tenant as The Doctor - for reasons I shall not go into) are available for rental from Blockbuster Online. Series 3 has started to air in England so it will get to American Cable eventually. Of course you can also buy Seasons 1 & 2 through the Amazon links on this blog below.
If the embedded videos do not work, click here to go to the WTTW page to see a clip of the opening of Doctor Who.
The WTTW Chicago Broadcast Schedules appear at this link.
And to get information from the Gallifreyan Embassy, the source of the Podshock Podcast, just click here or the link on my sidebar. I entered their "Best Doctor" contest early in Podshock history and much to my surprise, I scored in one of the top 5 places. To find out which one, you will just have to subscribe to Podshock through iTunes or the Embassy and puzzle it out!
I hope you give Dr. Who a try. By the way, there are not only a lot of laughs, but quite a few scares in the world of the Doc, I did mention that, didn't I?
Oh, yes, here are some fun quotes:
The Doctor: Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do then I should warn you, you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past; Aliens from the future; The day the Earth died in a ball of flame; It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: the trip of a lifetime.
[referring to the TARDIS]Rose Tyler: The inside's bigger than the outside? The Doctor: Yes. Rose Tyler: It's alien? The Doctor: Yeah. Rose Tyler: Are you alien? The Doctor: Yes. [pause] The Doctor: Is that all right? [shocked]Rose Tyler: Yeah. The Doctor: That's OK. Culture shock. It happens to the best of us.
Captain Jack Harkness: Okay! This can function as a sonic blaster, a sonic cannon, and a circle-and-hold sonic disruptor. Doc, what've you got? The Doctor: I've got a sonic [fishes around in pockets, gets out his Sonic Screwdriver] The Doctor: ... uh... oh, never mind. Captain Jack Harkness: What? The Doctor: It's sonic, okay, let's leave it at that. Captain Jack Harkness: Disruptor, cannon, what? The Doctor: It's sonic! Totally sonic! I'm soniced up! [shouting]Captain Jack Harkness: A SONIC WHAT? The Doctor: Screwdriver! [monsters break through the walls]
As Sycorax Leader celebrates cutting The Doctor's hand off] The Doctor: You cut my hand off! And now I know what sort of man I am. I'm lucky, because quite by chance, I'm still within the first 15 hours of my regeneration cycle, which means I have just enough residual cellular energy to do this. [spontaneously grows hand back] Sycorax Leader: Witchcraft? The Doctor: Timelord!
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As reported last week, attempts were rumored to have been made to put the Easter Bunny on the "Federal No Fly List" despite the glaring oversite that the Easter Bunny hops everywhere.
Whether these attempts to stymie the Easter Bunny's efforts were rumor, ridicule, or a policy withdrawn, the fact of the matter is that once again, sanity, hope, or a miracle prevailed and our little Children's early introduction to Easter, reportedly through visits to hundreds of millions of homes worldwide this year as a symbol of peace, love and joy was successful again.
As adults, we get caught up in the seriousness of our religious beliefs sometimes that we lose face of the important aspects of them represented by the faith we see in the eyes of our children who would never connect a bomb, a gun, a knife, or violence with the image of God. Anything we teach them otherwise, comes from us. Perhaps we should ponder that, with all due respect to other faiths who's teachings I have not studied, if God has not innately given such connections to the minds and hearts of his children, is it right that we should?
Reports coming into the Cracked up staff of the Peter Files Worldwide, show that the Easter Bunny had more help than usual this year at International Border Crossings, perhaps as a backlash to the "No Fly List" Story. Although he has never needed help in inter-continental travel, it is rumored that a stealth aircraft captain stationed at Area 51 offered him a ride wherever he wished to go. "Even we can't tell where I am now - who's to say where I drop the Bunny? But he seems to be able to do some pretty big hops without me. Talk about altitude!"
Afterwards, job done, EB as he is known to his Cotton Posse, cooled down for 24 hours, then picked up, Flopsy, Mopsie, Cottontail, Rabbit P., Peter C.T., and Bugsy for a Ford limo trip down to the American Idol show. Peter C.T. is rumored to be still grumbling that the rules do not allow Rabbits to compete, he thinks his new joint "Bunny Trail Cotton Rap" with Master D.J. Benjamin B could put him over the top. All EB wanted to do we here is to get some tail bumping time with J-Lo. Nothing serious. Since the theme this week was Latin Music, EB thought he could show her that he could Conga with the rest of the crowd.
Sadly, it was not to be. J-Lo was not in the House and while Paula was all hugs, Simon Cowell took one look at the Bunny Patrol and nearly had to be hospitalized for hysteria. That was before PCT brought up putting "Bunny Trail Cotton Rap" into the show.
In the end it didn't matter, the Bunny Patrol had a great time, brought extra carrots and eggs for everyone and Mopsie even got a few phone numbers we hear.
So thats it for the Easter 2007 report. Hope that this report doesn't Egg on Bush and Co. for 2008!
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As if things could not get worse - You may remember the laughter created last year when it was revealed that in 2005 the Bush administration attempted to hold the Easter Bunny without legal counsel or trial at the CIA's detention center at Guantanamo Bay, obstensively for "planning to commit 56 million cases of periodontal terrorism" across America on Easter Sunday 2005, citing legend and past practice as evidence of future intent. (Though it was also rumored that President Bush was tired of losing the Annual White House Easter Egg Hunt and wanted an excuse to cancel the whole thing.)
Ultimately, the investigation broke down after the international media, entered the fray, leaving no Peep unturned. Also a problem was that while the Guantanamo Bay facility was designed to be escape proof for most human beings, designers failed to accommodate the skills possessed by giant, magic, hopping rabbits, such that as the time came clear for The Easter Bunny to head home to pick up his eggs and head out on his delivery route, neither their facilities at Guantanamo bay, not the location of the facility proved any difficulty in caging him further.This year's gaff, seems to make that little farce seem like a stroll in farmer McGregor's Garden as PAAS-tel faced Bush officials whispered that the Easter Bunny had been put on the Federal "no fly list".
"As if the Easter Bunny flies!" One staffer who wants to protect his daughter's Easter stash exclaimed, "this isn't Santa or the Tooth Fairy we're talking about! This had to come right from the top, the very top, Cheney!" whined another. "Who could forget that this wily wabbit just hopped off Guantanamo leaving Easter Baskets for everyone there? Even the non-Christians! Boy were they surprised!"
"Like a "No Fly list" means anything to a magical symbol of Easter and the miracle of God! The next thing you know we'll be looking for weapons of mass inflation in our tummies or WMD's in the Tooth Fairy's quarters or Santa's stockings, because their outside interference might dip into 4th Quarter sales! Hmph! As if Easter Candy lasts more than a couple of days."
Glad to see that some sense has entered the Republicrat Party. At least some of it.
Hoppy Easter, Hanukkah, or whatever way you worship this weekend. Editor's Note: This piece was edited for spelling and content errors vewy, vewy, early on the morning of Easter Thursday after the effects of his Easter Candy binge had begun to wear off and before CVS candy sales had dipped below 50% off.
The staff of this blog have received No hop-backs for the content of this post.
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