Peter's Files of Original Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Parody, Commentary & Video in One Safe for Work & Home Blog!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Poetry From the Past - No. 1: Hints on Pronunciation For Foreigners by Anon or George Bernard Shaw

Periodically I'd like to feature some poetry files. So I brought you an old one that I stumbled across recently that tickled my phonemes.

Hints on Pronunciation For Foreigners

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through?
Well done! And now you wish perhaps
To learn of these familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard, and sounds like bird,
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead,
For Goodness' sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for pear and pear,
And then there's does and rose and lose--
Just look them up; and goose and choose,

And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart--
Come, come I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man Alive,
I'd Mastered it when I was five!

--George Bernard Shaw or

---ANON

By necessity the poems I feature will have to be out of copyright, works of my own, or works submitted by others via the comments for inclusion on my blog. (If you want to fall into the latter category, submit your poem in a comment and I will consider it. I am open to a wide variety of forms and styles but consider these files rated about PG or less. That does not include themes, it does include words. Omit Carlin's 7 words you cannot say on television for example, omit sagas of blood and gore. But, do include a statement of release that says you have given me the right to publish your work here, in perpeturity.)

I think this poem falls into the first category. Poems from the past. It's either by that incredibly prolific author Anon who has penned so many great classics, or by George Bernard Shaw. No dates were found in either of my sources, but from the literary style, it appears to be somewhere from 80 to 120 years old. A search of a literary index of Shaw's work does not include the work so it may not be one of his works after all. If you have evidence to the contrary, please let me know immediately.

However, it's a great poem. Certainly witty and clever enough to be Shaw. So it is hard to say.

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.

Peter the Poet

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40 Tips for Proper English

Always avoid alliteration.

Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

Remember to never split an infinitive.

Contractions aren't necessary.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Don't never use a double negation.

capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

The adverb always follows the verb.

Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

These were circulating in email! Hope you liked them!

Peter

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

HG Reports Easter Bunny Detained

NEWSFLASH!

A shocking news development has rocked the world of children's icons of charity with an exclusive report issued by the World Famous H. Gazette (established 1910).

In its Monday issue the Gazette alleges that the Easter Bunny has been detained by the United States Government on suspicion of 52 million counts of periodontal terrorism.

{Click the link in above for the full story and many other fun features and stories from the Gazette.} See a shortened version of the story below.

March 28, 2005

Easter Bunny Detained

By John Breneman, H. Gazette Bunny In Jail

U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation's children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass confection on Sunday.

But sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52 million counts of contributing to the obesity of a minor.

The alleged incarceration of the Easter Bunny (aka Peter Cotton-Tail) has already become politicized. Critics charge that the Bush administration was slow to guard against the threat that gut-busting quantities of chocolate might be deployed, on a sacred religious holiday no less, despite a March 6 Presidential Daily Briefing (PDB) entitled "Easter Bunny determined to strike in U.S."

"We should have been on pastel alert," said White House heckler Adolf W. Bush. "The president should have been more vigilant about the national obesity epidemic that makes our soft underbelly particularly vulnerable to, say, a giant milk chocolate rabbit, fistfuls of jelly beans or a gaggle of glistening marshmallow peeps."

The staggering importance of this story to children everywhere, and to their parents who eat their candy to keep future orthodontic bills down, convinced the crackerjack staff of THE PETER FILES to hop right into a high intensity crackpot investigation of this story, leaving no peep unturned in our efforts to uncover the truth.

After eating all the Easter candy in the house, it became clear that calling around was in order. Because the stomach ache and the after effects of the chocolate, well, staying at home was a good idea. So first I surfed the net.

The Tooth Fairy, reacting to the report, released a statement saying that "This outrageous behavior strikes a chill into the core of charity operations towards all American Children. If this can happen to the Easter Bunny, it can happen to Santa and it can certainly happen to me who operates year round. I particularly feel for Santa, who cannot afford to get tied up in the U.S. with deliveries to make elsewhere in the world, if this is not straightened out soon he may have to skip the U.S. altogether and that would be tragic. There are so many good little girls and boys there. The Bush administration should hop to it and release the Easter Bunny before the fur really flies around here. Otherwise the liability issues alone are really hare raising.

White House pundits, while not willing to go on the record against the likes of Santa, are quietly muttering that the Tooth Fairy may have an interest in the Easter Bunny's alleged plot of periodontal terrorism. After all, they claim, he has something to gain in the loss of so many children's teeth.

Said one high official. "We don't really know anything about this tooth fairy do we, what his motives are, why he collects these teeth? At 25 cents to a dollar a tooth he has cheaply acquired a incredibly vast array of teeth. Moreover, inside these teeth are samples of human DNA; in fact he may be harboring the largest catalog of human DNA in the World, and know the name and parentage of each and every person associated with it. The consequences are both staggering and frightening."

A leading democrat replied, what a concept! If the tooth fairy could be persuaded to turn this over to medical science what a boon this would be to scientific research.

"Wow", I never thought of all that stuff", the tooth fairy replied. "I'll have to think about the implications and get back to you on that. Wow. Cool. But I have to be careful with things I haven't thought through. I don't want a repeat of those Salem Witch Trials. One little mistake and whoa boy."

A Spokesperson for PETA was very concerned about the conditions the Easter Bunny was being kept in. We are always concerned about the ethical treatment of animals, but here we have an animal that is truly as complex and compassionate as a human being. And more charitable than most. Wire cages my ass! We are going to get movie stars to strip buck naked in front of the White House with anatomically correct blow up dolls of certain political figures until this national embarrassment ends. We also want to make sure he gets enough carrots and lettuce right away, so that he can address the needs of our members he missed when he was arrested before completing his deliveries. Besides, he needs to get back to the needs of his family." (Ed. note. Because of his amazing longevity, estimated of the Easter Bunny's extended family size is in the thousands and is multi-generational.

Speculation as to why the Easter Bunny was caught at all was addressed by Leprechaun Flopsy O'Doodle who has been known to spend more than time around rabbits than is normally considered healthy. "Well, Paeter had himself a mighty cold dis year, yes he did, yas he did. Oi said to him, are ye sure youse be wantin to be goin out feelin like you do? But he has the honor of it in him yis he does, so he went out knowin that there was trouble afoot. But, I woulna expect him to stay behind those walls too long ya know. Do ya tink dat a one of those soldiers would shoot down a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer even if they could see it?"

"You think the Air Force invented the stealth mode did you? How the heck do you think Santa gets around in wartime anyway? Santa's pretty darn good with locks, and the both of them are pretty darn fast. We'll see how long that rascally wabbit stays put, yas we will. Hmmn. Time for tae. Maybe I better put on an extra coupla settings, I think I hear sleighbells in the distance."

That's it for this edition of The Peter Cottontail Files

Peter Cottontail

For a 2006 Easter Update to this story click here!

Labels: Best Of

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Monday, March 28, 2005

Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is? Ain't it Foggy Outside?

Hi! Tempus Fugit!

Keen readers of the contents of The Peter Files may have noticed with this case file two new additions to the blog in keeping with the title of the blog.

Yes, now you can know what time it is, via Clockblox, which should work as long as your system clock is correct. (Mac system 10 users should have no problems with this because synchronizing your system clock with and adjusted GMT is a preferences setting.)

The weather report, via Weatherblox, alas, may depend on having a U.S. Zip code.

These come to us from the brilliant minds at mylazlo.com who have done nothing more than offer these little widgets to everyone free to get me to write about one. Click the the title of this post to go to their site.

They also have one for photos, music, and Hyperlink sorting that I may try out later, but for now, I like these two.

The clock should work for everyone who comes to your blog or website who has their own clock set correctly, and all they have to do is enter their own zip code to get the weather. You can also get multi-day forecasts. So far, it works great.

That's it for this file.

Call your friends, wake your neighbors, write a note to Letterman!

Peter

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Today's allergy levels for CHICAGO, IL:

Spring is in the air! {Achoo!}

It's warm and sunny in Chicago and wouldn't you know it the pollen count is on the rise. If this is a concern to you you might want to subscribe to a free newsletter which comes whenever the pollen counts go above a certain level in your zip code.

They are even handier if you know what you are specifically allergic to which youcan find out with a pin test or a blood test from your local allergist.

Get your Local Pollen Results

Her's today's {achoo!} report for Chicago.

Today's allergy levels for CHICAGO, IL:
High (9.3 on a scale of 0-12)

Today's predominant pollen:
Maple, Cedar/Juniper and Elm.

I am allergic to tree pollen, grasses and mold, and some flowers.

Peter

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Who's Hu's On First

Hope you had a great weekend. Got this in the mail from DZ this morning who I've known forever. Thanks DZ, hope everyone else down there is happy and warm.

It's been circulating the internet for at least to years but I love it and can't help posting it even though it is now a little out of date. It is based on the old Abbot and Costello Routine "Who's on First". Right click the link below and listen to the old time radio clip before scrolling down to read the parody, the original is much better.

http://www.whos-on-first.com

{scrolling}

{scrolling}

{scrolling}

{scrolling}

Who's On First for the Next Generation!

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!

Naturally, I like the original better. But the Yassir, No Sir, and Kaffir, Coffee sequences do show signs of comedy writing brilliance. Wish it 'twere mine. Check out the original Abbot and Costello website by clicking on the title of this page.

Peter

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Sniglet: Cooleying the Jury

My first Sniglet!

Click the link to see the thread about the story on The Straight Dope forum.

Straight Dope Message Board - Blake jury stupid, says DA:

Cooleying: attempting to cover up weaknesses in preparation or performance by inappropriately assigning blame for an undesired outcome to another party.

"Mr. Mooney called Hartley on the carpet for Cooleying his Executive Assistant for the Montague fiasco last week."

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Sunday, March 27, 2005

Rappy Easter to You!

Just click the title of this post to go to the crib of the Master Bunny E.

Shout Out and Props to Rebby B and MJDB who sent this link to lil ole Me.

Yo, Don be no fool now, jus go click!

Peter B. Cool

Labels: Best Of, Funny Videos

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Saturday, March 26, 2005

Amaztype Seasonal Greetings

Right Click Here For A Special Message!

Hope you liked it. While I admit that Easter Messages do not appeal to all segments of the population, worry not.

You can construct your own favorite message by going to the Amaztype website where you can enter any name, message, book, album cover or video and it will construct a collage made up of covers drawn from the Amazon.com website (you specify Amazon U.S., Canada, Japan, or, UK).

For example, the same message, from the UK site would be:

United Kingdom Version

This site is lots of fun.

But, you may want to close the window or go back to the set-up page each time you are done because the Macromedia Flash program continually updates with covers from Amazon and that can hang up your browser. Still, I had a lot of fun.

What happens if you want to view the name of my friend Ken's favorite dog in book covers?

German Shepherd

Or, for example you can run a phrase through Amazon's Japanese site like:

Hello Kitty or Tweety just to see what comes up.

While we're checking let's try

Anime and Karaoke

And just for my good friend Ken, a very special search.

That's it for this case file from,

The Peter Files

Peter

Labels: Funny Videos

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Friday, March 25, 2005

Getting the Straight Dope on Everything From the Serious to the Macabre

Where to find The Straight Dope on Anything!

If you've lived in Chicago as long as I have you may have developed an affinity for the weekly column The Straight Dope that Appears in the Chicago Reader.

I will expand this post a little later. But suffice it to say, that this column attempts to give witty but accurate answers to the strange and bizzare questions that haunt us when we've got heartburn late at night.

Click on the link above to check it out!

Peter

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Peter Files To Reach 800 Visitors Today

Unless everyone wises up at the last minute, by the time I wake up, hits on The Peter Files Will be over 800 - Yippie!

Thanks to all my cousins who visited about once a week this month to make this happen (LOL).

I must be doing something right because I know that some of you are repeat visitors.

If you have not been back in awhile, please note the survey over to the right.

Please use the scroll bar to select your choice then click vote.

I am curious as to how you found out about the Peter Files blog.

Also, you will note something that looks suspiciously like an ad for blinds2you.com.

Well, it would be an ad if I was getting paid for it, but I am not, so it is more on the lines of a PSA or public service announcement for a great source for high quality custom made blinds.

I have known the owner since I was 9 and so I am confident that he is doing a great job and sells a high quality product.

I have now done my duty as his bestest buddy in the whole wide world.

I have also noted publicly that I am not an unbiased source of information, but I think that the information on the website speaks for itself. I have to admit that even I was impressed by how good it looked.

Well, that's it for this post. 800! Wow. How long till 1000? Keep telling your friends if you like this site.

Peter

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Thursday, March 24, 2005

Found in the Museum Of Hoaxes - Best and Worst April Fool's Jokes of All Time

These April Fools gems come from the Museum of Hoaxes
Website which is an online museum of hoxes that is quite entertaining.

It covers Hoaxes by era, has hoax galleries, offers gullibility tests, and even offers RSS News feeds for the latest in Hoax offerings. They also link to strange sites such as The Video That Goes On For A Year.

But as a sampler, I thought you might enjoy the links to the 100 best and 10 worst April Fool's jokes of all time.

Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes Of All Time: "

To find the top 100 Click the Link Above

#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest - Swiss Farmers Enjoy a Bumper Crop of Spaghetti! - This One Includes the Link to the Original BBC Broadcast

#2: Sidd Finch of the Mets

#3: Instant Color TV in 1962

#4: The Taco Liberty Bell Purchase

#5: The Republic of San Serriffe

#6: Nixon for President - 1992

#7: Alabama Changes the Value of Pi

#8: The Left-Handed Whopper

#9: Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers

#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity

The Top 10 Worst April Fool's Day Hoaxes Ever

To read about these click the link above.

#1: Hijinks of Hussein and Son - U.S. Sanctions have been lifted. You've got Pepsi, and Chocolate and we're bananas! April Fools! Oh those tricky Husseins.

#2: Releasing The Prisoners

#3: The Phony Deadline

#4: The Dead Dog

#5: A Fake Hanging

#6: A Fake Robbery

#7: Revival of the Warsaw Pact

#8: Fake Death Report

#9: Fake Disaster Warnings

#10: The Iraqi Ambassador's Final Joke

Hope you like them,

Peter

Labels: Best Of

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Charting The Peter Files - Once Again

This post is mostly for my benefit, but you may find it of some interest too. Awhile back (March 9th) I did a file on the charts that my free site counter generated. I found them interesting and thought I would share the most interesting with you.

As it happened, they did automatically update, and so I found myself looking at that post every day or so, rather than go to the site meter site and click through them page by page.

I have done so many posts now though, that it has gotten buried too far back for me to find easily, so my solution is to write a new post to bring it up front and add a chart or two as well.

Percent Visitors Views By Browser Share

Percent Visitors Views By Operating System

Percent Visitors Views By Network Source/Domain

This is an interesting series of charts covering visitors and page views over different time periods.

Number of Visits and Page Views Today

Number of Visits and Page Views This Week

Number of Visits and Page Views This Month

Number of Visits and Page Views This Year

Duration of Visits and Page View in Seconds This Month

This is really a geeky chart. But kind of interesting.

Internet Service Provider Organization Type

I find this interesting to look at, especially as it highlights foreign sites.

Visits Per Month

Visits Per Year

Well, that's it for this post.

Peter, the Chart Obsessive

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Take New Peter Files Survey Today

Yes, it's true, The Peter Files is engaging in a little survey to find out how you found out about this Blog. You can find the survey under the map on the right side of the blog.

It is completely unscientific and represents only those who fill it out, but why not take it anyway? If you found out about The Peter Files more than one way, try to remember the First way you found out about it and put in that way. If I missed a way, enter other and use the comments area of any post to tell me what I missed.

Then click the View Box to see what everyone else said.

Thanks for helping out!

Peter

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SatireWire | Enterprise Crew May Intervene in Earth Affairs

SatireWire | Enterprise Crew May Intervene in Earth Affairs:

"ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ITSELF Star Fleet Strictly Forbids Meddling, But Christ, Just Look at the Place"

I found this article very funny. Will appeal especially to Trekkers. SatireWire is an Onion-esque Humor site that unfortunately does not add new content anymore. However, it has extensive archives that are worth a look for those who enjoy this kind of thing. The stories skewer a wide range of targets and manage to offend just about everyone sooner of later, so if you are easily offended, this site is not for you. However, most of the worst of it is an occasional bit of bad language or an attitude that will be clearly indicated from the title of the article, making it easy most of the time for people to avoid material that they would not want to read.

Peter

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What is Your Warning Label?

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP THE PETER FILES AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

From Go-Quiz.com

To determine your warning label, enter your name in the box
above and right click on the "Get your warning label box" to
have it open in a new window.

Peter (:-)>

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Monday, March 21, 2005

Heard In Sunday School

Thanks to my friend JA for forwarding these to me!

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

CHILDREN'S BIBLE STUDY

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for
dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her
students would catch the drama.

Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside,
all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with her quavering little voice, "I think I'd
throw up."

And then she did.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

THE STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of
Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She
explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the
steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah
commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and
pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why
the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the
altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand,
"I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked
back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny
interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was
DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a
telephone pole!"

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a
lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

A HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been
learning how powerful Kings and Queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

SUNDAY SCHOOL

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned
in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all
the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his
mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never believe it!"

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in
front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was
his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

"The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

That's it for this folder in The Peter Files!

Hope you liked it! Do you have any funny kids stories like these?

If so, please post them in the comments section!

Peter

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Sunday, March 20, 2005

To Comment or Not to Comment, That is The Question!

Whether it is nobler to stumble blindly on without kevetching about the lack of feedback or to to beg for mercy from the teeming masses, all 700 of you who have visted so far is a contemplation devoutly to be commented on by clicking on the comments link at the end of this post.

With over 700 visits to this blog now and only about 3 comments so far, I have to wonder what the heck is going on.

Top theories.

1) The comment feature is not working. Unlikely, as some comments are getting through.

2) Nearly all hits on my blog are accidental and/or by people with little interest in anything I have had to say.

3) My posts are so odd that they stun readers into leaving my blog in a confused and dazed state barely able to click onward to another link. Possible. Very Possible.

4) Most of my friends and family members have not found the little comment button because this template makes it a light green rather than a dark green at the end of each post.

5) My posts are too long and so much energy is expended in reading them that commenting would take too much energy. Likely.

6) February was sweeps month.

So, in the interest in doubling my comments received thus far, just for the record, let me remind my faithful and new readers that this is my FIRST PUBLIC ATTEMPT AT BLOGGING!

This being the case, I would really, truly like some feedback, please, pretty please, on what you think about the posts so far.

If they are boring, please say so. Funny, say so. Useful, say so.

I would appreciate knowing.

Thanking you in advance,

Peter the Curious

PS. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REGISTER WITH BLOGSPOT TO COMMENT!

Anonymous comments are just fine by me. Thank you.

P.S. Having lost 60 pounds last year I was awarded this week by losing another pants size dropping from a size 50W 30L to a 48W 30L! The first time I have hit the 4o's since the early 80's. This is a reason to shout from the rafters with joy. If I can do the same this year I will write my book and try to get on Oprah! No surgery or special diet involved. Bye.

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Internet Humor

I am not going to bother commenting much on how forwarding jokes over the internet has replaced taking the time to think about and write actual letters to your friends.

Nor, am I going to talk about how posting a few of the better jokes I have received in my mail lately might replace actual blog content. Though since I have two posts up already today I think that's a moot point.

If I'd written about cows it would have been a mooed point.

Now that's a pun, not a joke.

In posting these, I have to say that I have no idea what the original source was. So if there is a copyright holder out there who spots his work on this blog and objects to it being here, that goes for any post by the way, just make a comment which will go into my in-box, and I will handle it asap.

My goal is to inform, satarize and entertain and to lead people to the original sources of things so that they can read on do more reading of the original author's work, not just use it myself. So let me know, so I can replace the material with a link to your website instead.

Also, while I don't post really bad material, or at least what I consider really bad material, and who am I to judge, I will allow a certain amount of bad taste to creep into some longer humorous posts. Please don't be offended if this is the case, I am not advocating that point of view, just not deleting, mostly, borderline, non-PC material. Since I am a Mac person, a little non-PC material makes sense.

*************************************************

Joke 1 - With Thanks to TB

*************************************************

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama - Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona - But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas - Literacy Ain't Everything.

California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It - Yet.

Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois - Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana - We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine - We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan - First Line Of Defense - From The Canadians

Minnesota - Land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada - Hookers and Poker - Leave Everything Here but the Doctor Bills!

New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal

Rhode Island - We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State

Texas - Se Hablo Ingles? Mi es Republicano?

Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont - Ay, Yep

Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington - We have more rain than you do

West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

District of Columbia - Where Trillions are Spent While the Needy Nearby Go Unnoticed

*******************************************************

Oops. A little social commentary slipped into the end of that last joke. At least WMATA is SMATA. But then Congressional staff ride that don't they?

*******************************************************

Joke Series Number 2 - With Thanks to MS and TB who sent me different versions

*******************************************************

The phone rang.

The lady of the house answered ~ "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell
which your husband's is."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

*******************************************************

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

*******************************************************

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if
he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and on of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin'
bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman
said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that good Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls
must be dying.

*************************************

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here
that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

***************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

*************************************************

Thanks to MS for this One

*************************************************

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching
for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping
down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

*************************************************

That's enough for this post!

Peter

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MIT for Free!

As far as I am concerned there are only good things to say about this web site. If there are improvements that could be made, they pale compared to the benefits offered here.

But you don't have to be a rocket scientist - though you might learn enough to become one in your spare time - to realize the value that having access to MIT's course materials has to each and every one of us.

Granted, you don't have access to MIT's professors - how could they handle questions from all over the Internet? But, there is no tuition either.

To do a good deal of the reading required you may have to do a good deal of book buying or library borrowing, though you can in many cases get away with older cheaper editions.

Still, MIT for free?

This is a bargain the likes of which you should not be passing up if you have the need to learn and lack the means. Want to get yourself into a better position to get accepted at MIT? Knowing the coursework might, just might give you an advantage.

Of course, it is a great way of evaluating whether MIT is the school for you in the first place.

Wonder how long it will take the rest of the Ivy League to catch up? Never? Hmmn. We'll see how far alumni philanthropy goes. From my very brief look at things, it appears that this project was funded by a million dollar donation.

In the broader scheme of things that's not much for the pockets of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, even Notre Dame alums to cough up for the sake of the prestige of their alma maters. Unless of course they have a reason NOT to put their course materials online. How much did the Ignaugural Balls cost for that Yale Grad? Right.

Back to reality. Even if you have no interest in actually taking the courses, the site is fun to wander around in. Lots of nifty PDF files with maps and diagrams that are cool to look at and think about.

As Spock would say, "Fascinating".

If you have ever felt that you could have been more or done more if only you had access to a structured approach to your education, stop reading this darn article and click on the link below and go see what I am talking about!

MIT OpenCourseWare | OCW Home:

Here's MIT's own description of the program, and I quote:

"Welcome to MIT's OpenCourseWare:

a free and open educational resource for faculty, students, and self-learners around the world. OCW supports MIT's mission to advance knowledge and education, and serve the world in the 21st century. It is true to MIT's values of excellence, innovation, and leadership.

MIT OCW:

* Is a publication of MIT course materials

* Does not require any registration

* Is not a degree-granting or certificate-granting activity

* Does not provide access to MIT faculty"

The site provides access to MIT's Undegraduate and Graduate course materials and is literally too large for me to spend time explaining. Just go there!

Till next time,

Peter

Full Paid Graduate/Doctoral Fellowship with Travel and Living Expenses in Return for this Listing Welcome But Not Expected. (Hint)

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Joke Heard This Week

Mom: "Karen, has Billy come home yet?"

Karen: "Yes, Mom."

Mom: "Are you SURE?"

Karen: "Yes Mom, I'm positive."

Mom: "But honey, how can you be so certain?"

Karen: "Easy Mom, as soon as Billy got home, the cat hid."

Peter

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Saturday, March 19, 2005

Exempt-Nonprofit Status Doubts Can Be Very Taxing

WARNING: I am not a tax accountant.

Nor have I played one on the stage.

So I cannot tell you whether pointing to this website in an audit would hold up in your defense. If you have those kind of worries you should be using a CPA to do your taxes anyway.

But I ran across this website http://www.nonprofitdata.com/ which claims to be "...a complete listing of all the nonprofit organizations in the United States." Which you can look up by zip code.

Well that's the first hitch. You have to know the zip code of the organziation that you gave money to to look them up, but in many cases, you are not worrying about the box of cookies you bought last February and how much if any of that money is deductible as a charitable donation.

If you wrote a check to some organization, you can now look them up and see if they are on the list. Better yet. You can look them up before you write the check and see if they are on the list.

I checked it out with my own home zip code and found small charities that most people would not know about on it, so the list seems pretty complete. But here is the caveat.

BIG CAVEAT. The site is sponsored by a flag manuafacturer. But there is no real indication of where the data is coming from. USE IT AT YOUR OWN RISK.

The Peter Files is not responsible for anything that happens as a result of your using this information. It is provided merely for information value and so you can look up your home zip code and see what whacky charities are listed there.

If you give money to any of them and feel bad later do not come crying to us. You have been fairly warned. It is the duty of anyone giving out their hard earned simolians to be sure who they are giving it to and whether they understand the full terms and ramifications of that gift.

You can be sure that this blog has no information that can be useful or of any helpful advice in that kind of charitable undertaking except to say that in general, charity is a nice thing. It is good to be good to other people. So give to someone why don't you?

Still, it is interesting to look up and see what qualifies as a Nonprofit isn't it?

So, I thought I would do a few look up links for you first.

I fished around a little bit then thought, D'oh! (Years ago, I never would have thought that. But as I have aged and become more aware of my flaws, I find the expression more and more usefull.)

Of, course. The first to try is Beverly Hills 90210!

Right off the bat I hit paydirt.

Number 3 on the list is the Adult Video Association.

Just the kind of nonprofit tax exempt organization that Beverly Hills wants to be known for.

But of course, as I made my way down the list, except for a few cheap jokes at the expense of individuals' names (which I won't make, any of you with the minds of 7th graders go right ahead and chuckle away), the list appears to be chock full of worthy and noble causes.

One has to wonder what qualifies as a "Perfect Pet Rescue" and what kind of passions "Passions and Dreams Funding, Inc" are funding, but I really wish the "Jazz Bakery Performance Space" was around the corner on Sunday Mornings, although I'm betting it has nothing to do with Jazz and warm pastry.

I did notice a lot of family foundations, which are probably given the names involved, giving foundations rather than keeping foundations to preserve family wealth.

That leads to another problem with the list. It only tells you the list of noprofit organizations registered in a zip code and their addresses. Nothing more. To find out more requires real work.

Well, I was going to list a bunch of zip codes and give examples of strange stuff I found, but its been a long week. Why don't you try it instead and tell me what you found?

Peter

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Sometimes You Just Need A Little Historical Perspective

I wish this site was around when I was in grammar and high school.

The most confusing thing about History was keeping the timelines straight.

It wasn't just a matter of dates, it was that so many things were happening concurrently. What I really needed was some way to lay it all out so that I could see how the lives of people, historic events and changing place names and places interacted (It's Istantbul not Constantinople, Yes, It's....).

Naturally, I wouldn't be bringing this up if it were not for the folks at
Hyperhistory.com who deserve considerable recognition for making history more accessible and easier to put together as a whole.

Here's a view of one of their pages: you can see how cool it is. This shows a people view with overlapping lifespans. You can specify fields of work or interest and click on a name to get a bio with accomplishments, or click on the arrow keys on the upper left to go backwards (and once you've done so, forwards) in time.

This is a view of a recent history timeline. Note the large number of hyperlinks. They bring up explanatory text in a column on the right which in turn often takes you to other off site links. The well written and highly detailed When Did The Millenium Begin? discussion alone is worth the trip to this site.

As you look at the timeline, note the little blue Map icons. They have lots and lots of historic maps that should make historic map buffs drool with pleasure. For the rest of us, they help bring sense to all of the changing mix of historic names and places.

There is a lot more to see at this website. While I doubt that this site alone is enough to convert you into a history fanatic, I hope I have made you a bit curious about this site.

Navigation is easy, by the way. Big buttons on the left help you get around. A very nice design. Why not go see it?

That's it for now.

Thanks for stopping by ThePeterFiles.Blogspot.Com

Be sure to tell your friends about it!

If you want to add this blog as a newsfeed, you can, see my RSS Enabled Post by clicking on the link.

Until next time!

Peter

Phi Alpha Theta

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Friday, March 18, 2005

Project Gutenberg

This entry is about the Project Gutenberg website.

The Project Gutenberg Mission Statement is quite simply put:

 "TO ENCOURAGE THE CREATION AND DISTRIBUTION OF eBOOKS."

The name of the project refers to the Gutenberg Bible which was the first book produced by a printing press. The printing press revolutionized the availability of information to the everyday person by allowing mass production of books at relatively low cost for the first time in human history.

Before the invention of Gutenberg's press, production of all books was done manually and was a highly labor intensive process, and thus books and the information in them were only available to the very wealthy or religious.

The Project Gutenberg uses the computers, scanning technology, volunteers and the internet to take the next great leap in making a wide body of information available to the world at large at essentially no cost.

Look to the site for details, but essentially, working with out of copyright texts, or texts in which the authors and publishers have given up the copyrights for the sake of the project, or were deliberately left in the public domain, or were created for distribution by the project, Project Gutenberg has made available thousands of classic works.

I am going to list some of the most recent popular books and authors that have been downloaded to give you the flavor of what is available. Nearly all text is in plain vanilla ASCII format which means it can be read by any word processing program that you have. It also means that in nearly every case that there are no illustrations or formatting such as bold or italics.

The Project is also testing an online reader, but for speed, you are far better off, downloading the book files and reading them yourself. This list only gives you an inkling of what is on the list. Many of your childhood favorites may be there, so be sure to check for them.

Of course, since the project want to make ALL books available, there may be books not to your taste on this list or somewhere on the website. However, the comprehesive nature of the project is such that it is more than likely that nearly everyone will find something to your taste. I would be interested in finding out if you do not find something interesting to read with the exception of those that are only interested in recent work.

Here's the most recent Project Gutenberg Top 100 Downloads listing (the links are live, if you click on them it will take you to the book or author on the Project Gutenberg Website, so right-click if you want to open it in a new window):

Project Gutenberg Top 100 Downloads List with No Editing
Last updated on 2005-03-18.

Downloaded Books
Yesterday	34245
Last 7 days	262835
Last 30 days	1171013

Top 100 EBooks yesterday

Top 100 Authors yesterday

Top 100 EBooks last 7 days

Top 100 Authors last 7 days

Top 100 EBooks last 30 days

Top 100 Authors last 30 days

I hope you find this website as interesting as I have! See the Project Gutenberg Sitemap below.

Happy reading!

Peter

Project Gutenberg is the oldest producer of free electronic books (eBooks or etexts) on the Internet. Our collection of more than 15.000 eBooks was produced by hundreds of volunteers. Most of the Project Gutenberg eBooks are older literary works that are in the public domain in the United States. All may be freely downloaded and read, and redistributed for non-commercial use (for complete details, see the license page).

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