Today I bring you a few bits of court related humor that have nothing to do with persons living, dead or otherwise engaged. Britney was asked by the prosecuting attorney, "What gear were you in when the accident in the parking lot took place?"
"Mostly Lands's End," she said, "though I think my shoes were by Nike. Winfrey Peet, a small town Justice bowed to the inevitable when Miss Angelina Trump came to the stand, a jewel of the old South, there were some things she just would not be compelled to do, especially at Miss Trump's advanced age, disguise it though she may try by her ridiculous wigs.
As she approached the bench to the court's delight Judge Peet instructed his bailiff, Ivan A Trump, to have the witness state her name and age and THEN swear her in. Thus an act of perjury was easily avoided and Miss Trump's appreciation greatfully acknowledged later with a peach pie delivered to the judge's chambers by her nephew, the bailiff. The prosecuting attorney did not object and happened to drop by for a slice himself when word got around about the Judge Peet's good fortune. Then there was the defense witness, Walker George who kept giving his answers to the prosecuting attorney Lohan N. Bush instead of to the jury as he was supposed to. When Bush said, "Please, speak to the Jury Mr. George," George turned to them, gave them a great big smile and said, "Why, Hi there folks, how're you doin today? My friend Jethro didn't do it, no sir. Shucks, he couldn't hurt a fly! That's why he can only stand to use artificial lures when we fish. I have to take the fish off the hook too. Was that O.K. Mr. Attorney Sir?"
Once the laughter in the courtroom stopped, the only sound that could be heard was the sound of the Lohan Bush hitting his head against the table. The States Attorney's Victim's Assistance Unit Victim Trial Aide Rae Rachel was preparing a crime victim for trial. Her client was a young woman, Rosie Walters who was anxious about appearing in court in an assault case and badly needed a good laugh.
"I don't know if I can do this," Rosie said, "I'm starting to feel really shizophrenic right now." Rachel winked at her and said, "Don't worry, that makes four of us, I think." They both laughed, and Rosie relaxed enough to survive the grueling pressures of the trial and let the Assistant States Attorney, Carson Conan Letterman convince the Jury and bring in a conviction.
Afterwards, the Victim Aide Rachel congratulated Rosie. "You were so great! That defense attorney, M. Peach Bush, tried to tear you apart but the way you held up under the stress was terrific. Best of all, the harsher he got, the calmer and more sure of yourself you seemed to get. It really unnerved him. I think that more than anything lost him the case."
"Well how could I have done anything else," the victim replied, "the view from the witness stand showed the three of you out there rooting for me so! And when our doubles held up that big poster saying "You Go Girl! Wooooo!" I almost laughed out loud! I think that was just about the time Bush started really whacking at me, but I knew then that nothing could break me down. I was a little surprised that the Judge Oprah stood for them waving that banner in court though."
"Um, well, maybe she didn't see it?" Rachel said uncomfortably. "Silly, how could she miss... Oh, you're right. Ha, ha. They weren't really there after all, I just imagined them there to get through this. Shame, I really liked my doubles outfit, I was hoping to borrow it next week. That doesn't matter. I started having these schizo experiences a few weeks after I was attacked. Now that its all over, I think I won't need these events anymore, to feel safe I mean. I mean I feel safe now. Maybe I can handle it all by exessive shopping and binge drinking, stuff like that."
"Here's my card," Rachel said," just in case the twins need to get together for a drink sometime. Maybe we can avoid the binge shopping and drinking. At least the over-shopping and over-drinking"
"Thanks, you're right of course. I'd like that. But if you don't mind, I'd rather leave my twin at home." Then she grinned for the first time since the whole bloody busines started. Finally the Rae could relax too. Now, if she could only get rid of Larry, the giant horse who wandered by whenever she was too stressed out...
After writing the last article I took a second to check out how the news story had been reported. After all, I had seen only one report on Sunday night, and it was fairly even handed. Had things changed?
I did a google news search. Who turned on the fire? From all the heat in those clips I thought that Alexandria was on fire again! Did we see the same interview?
If the pundit-bots are to be believed, Bill Clinton was “crazed,” “angry” and “blew a gasket” in his recent interview with Wallace the Lesser on Fox News last Sunday (highlight clip from The Daily Show | transcript). Personally, I didn’t think that Clinton was at all unreasonable given the circumstances, and he also made a strong case for himself and his party. He certainly never reached that O’Reilly-esque combination of hysteria and anger that makes “Papa Bear” the darling of the GOP.
Stewart is very funny. His team aptly misses the point that a large share of the News coverage seems to miss the point that former President Clinton may have used some emotion in his response, but that his response included plenty of rational detail and facts.
The "angry" "emotional" Clinton focus seems nothing more than an attempt to distract us from the fact that if Clinton was upset at Wallace's questioning why he didn't "do more" he certainly had answers about what he thought he did and President Bush has not.
I also wondered whether some of those reporting had their volumes on too high. Clinton just didn't seem that angry to me. In fact, some of them seemed more outraged and cheesed out than he did!
Clinton was not amused. This is clear. But he regained his composure quickly. What did he look like to me? Determined. Controlling. Specific. Like you might expect a former U.S. President to be when challenged on live T.V. with his historical legacy at stake.
"Quo tandem abuterre Fox patiencia nostra?" -Cicero (A loose joke in Latin.)
That's it for now.
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Pundits were surprised this week when former President Clinton actually defended himself in a live television interview.
Some people have called it everything from a "smackdown of Fox" to "the ***whipping those liars over at **x have deserved ever since they started pretenting to be "Fair and Balanced" while in truth, being press agents for the Republican Party."
I'm not going to get into that. After all, this blog is about comedy, satire, and commentary. Not about politics. Whenever has anyone found politics to be funny?
But I have noticed a few things about the controversey.
1) Clinton talked in complete sentances. He even used long, complex thoughtful ones that required the knowledge of words with more than three syllables. Not like some Presidents, er, people.
2) Clinton answered quickly, without having to hesitate while thinking what to say next. He looked smart, intelligent, well-informed, and credible when talking about the issues. Not like...
3) Clinton was able to refer to events that happened in the past in detail. In fact, he could refer to information about the terrorist threat to America not only prior to 9/11 but prior to the election of President Bush. Not like some Presi..., er, people.
This confused me. From listening to President Bush, it seemed as if the "War on Terror" was his idea and that it began as a response to 9/11 and before that there were no terrorists. But apparently, Clinton knew about them, and could even talk about them.
4) After the interview, President Bush was able to refer to the attack by terrorists on the U.S.S. Cole. I was glad to hear that. I did not know that he had known about that because I had never heard him refer to it before. Perhaps he learned some things from reading the press summary of the Clinton interview. Perhaps he even watched it live on Fox.
5) President Clinton, like most Presidents have, admitted that he made mistakes about how he dealt with Osama Bin-Laden and the terrorist threat. Not like some Presi.., er people.
6) I think President Clinton was supposed to get drubbed and embarrased by Chris Wallace in the tradition of great Republican Fox Infotainment, but somehow it didn't work out that way.
7) It seems that when Fox released news footage of the interview to other networks, it did not show the same images that were in the original broadcast. They made some big deal about Clinton touching Wallace's ... clipboard. So what? Wallace & company decided how close the chairs were going to be, if he wanted an untouched clipboard he should have been sitting out of range.
8) Why was Wallace sitting so close? Some people might say that he hoped to intimidate Clinton by sitting really close to him! What a mistake! I can see that production meeting.
"OK, Chris, we need to have you intimidate the most charismatic former leader of the free world since FDR. A man who spent 8 years bending world leaders to his will. I know, we'll put your chairs really close together so you can try to stare him down. But don't make it obvious, we don't want to appear biased, O.K.?"
What a laugh.
9) It's obvious to me that Fox hoped to get Clinton into saying or doing something that they could use against Democrats in the mid-term elections in November. And maybe they did, we'll see what they do. What is not so obvious is the effect that this interview might have on the average hard core Fox viewer who might not be used to seeing Clinton, in the raw as it were, without benefit of carefully managed and interpreted sound bites.
Because for once, Fox viewers saw a Clinton that many of them might have hated, but at least they saw the real Clinton at his best and worst. And in that the humanity of Bill Clinton came out and touched at least some viewers who had to wonder if he was really the same guy as he was portrayed to be by the right wing.
This is a problem for Fox and the Right-Wing Conservative Publicity Machine, because if Bill Clinton is not the Dark Side of Evil that they portrayed him to be, but an intelligent, thinking person who has admitted mistakes but did his best, then what else have they been wrong about and what other truths have they bent?
10) Fox/Wallace got Clinton to agree to the interview by promising to spend at least half the time talking about The Clinton Global Initiative. Fox/Wallace made a huge mistake by opening with a question about Clinton's Presidential record* rather than by starting with a question about Initiative. In doing so, Wallace basically handed the interview on a platter and said "spank me, Bill, spank me" and Clinton delivered an Arkansaw double-switch spanking that none of us are likely to forget for some time.
(*...Why didn't you do more to put Bin-Laden and Al Queda out of Business?... Why didn't you do more, connect the dots, and put 'em out of business"? -Chris Wallace, Fox News Sunday)
Ready for bear, Clinton felt the opening question about his record with Bin-Laden broke faith with their agreement. And in a way, he was right, because in doing so Wallace was burying Clinton's lead, The Clinton Global Initiative. Had he waited until half the time was up to ask the question, Wallace would have probably had a more genial Clinton and not lost control of the interview.
As it was, Clinton now had an excuse to go over every weakness of the Bush administration's failure to prepare for 9/11 and respond afterwards, to plug Richard Clarke's book and the 9/11 report both of which are hugely critical of Bush, and to highlight the oratorical differences between himself and the current President.
Perhaps others noticed these things too.
But here's one thing more and this should really scare conservative Republicans:
11) With an "On the Record" attack on his record as President on the War on Terror, Clinton now has a brief to make public appearances and speak as the Democratic expert on that issue alone.
That's right, the door has been opened for Bill Clinton to return to the stage for the Democrats to talk about how badly the Bush Administration has bungled the War on Terror. Forget Monica, this is National Security we're talking about.
And that, is something to laugh about.
Here's the clip.
Some people say that Fox only wants the portions of the clips that show Clinton at his worst out. So if this clip is not available, do a You Tube search for Clinton Wallace to see if an 11 minute video shows up. Anything less and you may not be getting it all.
Washington, D.C. has City Lights, its famed but maze-like paragon of Chinese food where dipping into the lemon chicken is a trip into paradise. But until recently, in my opinion, Chicago only had decent Chinese restaurants except for inside Chinatown near Cermack Road and nothing worth mentioning at all for many years on the far south side of the city - close to the Southwest suburbs.
And then there came to Oak Lawn, Evergreen Park, Beverly, Mount Greenwood and surrounding communities a miracle of cuisine in the now expanded restaurant known as Chi-Tung, slayer of appetites.
Named after the great warrior chef of the Tongue Dynasty, Chi-Tung follows in the glorious tradition of plentiful and mouthwatering food at low prices that made him Emporer of all lands that he chose to deliver to. Such was his nobility and generosity, that Chi-Tung delivered farther and wider than most restaurants, but profited by it, as his loyal customers often ordered from afar, though could not resist visits to his wonderous shrine next to CVS on Kedzie just South of 95th Street.
Not content to serve food from his own land only, Chi-Tung sought wizards from Thailand and Japan to bring him magic recipies from those countries, with so many recipes that now Chi-Tung offers three different take out menus full of succulent dishes from the mildest to the hottest palate, all served without the accursed MSG.
The mighty Chi's sucess has been so great that his temple was forced to move and expand into its current giant quarters, yet still the faithful come from miles around, often preferring pick-up than wait for the giant and luxurious seating, closely packed that it may be, more romantic as the night passes on and the crowd thins, the glow of a majestic meal singing sweetly in the night.
So many choices. Large means LARGE. A meal for two, or three, if you are nuns or models. Spicy warnings are not to be ignored. Mild dishes are quite good.
Overall, it really is a great place to eat. Delivery a modest $2.00.
I give it 10 Tungs.
(Chi-Tung's managers pronounce it "Chee Tounge" not "Shy Tounge", but they'll never correct you if you get it wrong.)
Chi-tung Chinese & Thai Restaurant 9560 S Kedzie Ave Evergreen Park, IL 60805-2334 (708) 636-8180