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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Under the Robes of Justice


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Today I bring you a few bits of court related humor that have nothing to do with persons living, dead or otherwise engaged.

Britney was asked by the prosecuting attorney, "What gear were you in when the accident in the parking lot took place?"

"Mostly Lands's End," she said, "though I think my shoes were by Nike.

Winfrey Peet, a small town Justice bowed to the inevitable when Miss Angelina Trump came to the stand, a jewel of the old South, there were some things she just would not be compelled to do, especially at Miss Trump's advanced age, disguise it though she may try by her ridiculous wigs.

As she approached the bench to the court's delight Judge Peet instructed his bailiff, Ivan A Trump, to have the witness state her name and age and THEN swear her in. Thus an act of perjury was easily avoided and Miss Trump's appreciation greatfully acknowledged later with a peach pie delivered to the judge's chambers by her nephew, the bailiff. The prosecuting attorney did not object and happened to drop by for a slice himself when word got around about the Judge Peet's good fortune.

Then there was the defense witness, Walker George who kept giving his answers to the prosecuting attorney Lohan N. Bush instead of to the jury as he was supposed to. When Bush said, "Please, speak to the Jury Mr. George," George turned to them, gave them a great big smile and said, "Why, Hi there folks, how're you doin today? My friend Jethro didn't do it, no sir. Shucks, he couldn't hurt a fly! That's why he can only stand to use artificial lures when we fish. I have to take the fish off the hook too. Was that O.K. Mr. Attorney Sir?"

Once the laughter in the courtroom stopped, the only sound that could be heard was the sound of the Lohan Bush hitting his head against the table.

The States Attorney's Victim's Assistance Unit Victim Trial Aide Rae Rachel was preparing a crime victim for trial. Her client was a young woman, Rosie Walters who was anxious about appearing in court in an assault case and badly needed a good laugh.

"I don't know if I can do this," Rosie said, "I'm starting to feel really shizophrenic right now." Rachel winked at her and said, "Don't worry, that makes four of us, I think." They both laughed, and Rosie relaxed enough to survive the grueling pressures of the trial and let the Assistant States Attorney, Carson Conan Letterman convince the Jury and bring in a conviction.

Afterwards, the Victim Aide Rachel congratulated Rosie. "You were so great! That defense attorney, M. Peach Bush, tried to tear you apart but the way you held up under the stress was terrific. Best of all, the harsher he got, the calmer and more sure of yourself you seemed to get. It really unnerved him. I think that more than anything lost him the case."

"Well how could I have done anything else," the victim replied, "the view from the witness stand showed the three of you out there rooting for me so! And when our doubles held up that big poster saying "You Go Girl! Wooooo!" I almost laughed out loud! I think that was just about the time Bush started really whacking at me, but I knew then that nothing could break me down. I was a little surprised that the Judge Oprah stood for them waving that banner in court though."

"Um, well, maybe she didn't see it?" Rachel said uncomfortably. "Silly, how could she miss... Oh, you're right. Ha, ha. They weren't really there after all, I just imagined them there to get through this. Shame, I really liked my doubles outfit, I was hoping to borrow it next week. That doesn't matter. I started having these schizo experiences a few weeks after I was attacked. Now that its all over, I think I won't need these events anymore, to feel safe I mean. I mean I feel safe now. Maybe I can handle it all by exessive shopping and binge drinking, stuff like that."

"Here's my card," Rachel said," just in case the twins need to get together for a drink sometime. Maybe we can avoid the binge shopping and drinking. At least the over-shopping and over-drinking"

"Thanks, you're right of course. I'd like that. But if you don't mind, I'd rather leave my twin at home." Then she grinned for the first time since the whole bloody busines started. Finally the Rae could relax too. Now, if she could only get rid of Larry, the giant horse who wandered by whenever she was too stressed out...

So much for today's humor.


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Blogger Angele said...

"Mostly Land's End"


10/02/2006 8:15 AM  

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