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Friday, February 02, 2007

Inside a Triple-Secret Indianapolis Colts Pre-Super Bowl Training Session


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Right now, with both the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts preparing for Super Bowl XLI or 41 as those who prefer not to decipher numbers created to be easy to carve into stone might call it, there are quite a few of us fans who would give a lot to have a chance to sit in on the secret pre-Super Bowl training sessions of both teams in these last few days.

What a def jam that would be, to get the secret insider's view of both team's thinking prior to the game; I wonder how much insight that would give us into the game's final outcome before it started.

Fortunately, a satire blog need not bother with reality, since you know up front, that most of what is in here is malarkey, especially if it has to do with the look we are going to get inside the Colt's locker room right now, as their "coach" gets them ready for the big game. A look inside the Bears locker room has been classified to avoid helping the Colts and/or reserved for another post.

The Coach:

"All right Colts, we all know these Chicago Bears have had a really lucky year. If it was up to me we would just cancel practice and spend the week on the beach, doing what wild colts do best!

Am I right? Of course I am! {Go Colts! Never say Neigh!}

But we all know what would happen if by some fluke, like the wind blowing the ball into one of the defensive players hands instead of ours, we should accidentally lose.

The national media would kick us in the rear, you can say goodbye to most of your best endorsement, appearance and TV show appearances, and everyone would be upset, especially our wives, our girlfriends and our other girlfriends who were hoping on lots of extra goodies and freebies.

So while we're stuck here waiting for the game to start on Sunday and have to at least appear to be taking this "practice thing" seriously, we have put together some "bears" training films that you can study in detail. {Hoo rah, Hoo rah!}

This first one of a single bear defense, in particular you will like, but remember, the techniques involved are not allowed on the field, but would incur a substantial penalty - so enjoy - but don't do it - let's roll the tape!"

"Now, did you see that bear's defensive technique? Now that's what I call trying to win ugly, something the Chicago teams are famous for.

Except the Cubs of course, maybe they are just too pretty to win. That Wrigley Field is one of the most beautiful parks in baseball. Maybe it needs a few posters of Paris Hilton and her look-alike Phyllis Diller for them to have a chance at a World Series win.

Joan Rivers too? Great suggestion, you can send that in to Chicago Tribune, they own the Cubs and they have plenty of photos to choose from.

Maybe they better put up a few photos of Don Rickles, Donald Trump, and Richard Nixon, just to be PC.

Wait, Nixon is dead - but then, that puts one guy on par with Rivers so that's O.K. {Hoo Hoo Hoo}

Anyway, watch for that kind of stuff from the Bears defense and offense, the Refs can't watch everything all the time and I hear that Lindsey Lohan has a special pass from rehab to see the game with Tara Conner and Janet Jackson - and they might have sideline seats which just MIGHT distract the judges. {Nooooooooo!}

Oh, before we go to the next film, that talk about bringing in O.J. for a few plays just so the Bears could smack him to kingdom come did NOT originate with the Indianapolis Colts Organization, nor did the so called, "Operation Sideline Seat Slam" - let someone else send the guy free seats to the Super Bowl. Besides, he'd bring the kids - they've been hurt enough by the Airplane movies let alone everything else."

Whew, I'm glad I'm not that coach! Imagine saying things like that about the Cubs! The Cubs! And me a Soutsider too! Aw gee, imagine dat! I wish nothing but the best for the Cubbies, I really do. Except for Sox vs Cubs exhibition games, and if ever the Sox should face them in the World Series, which would be a dream come true for most Chicago Hotels, central area restaurants, shopping areas, the CTA, and of course many fans.

Hotels eh? I guess Paris Hilton would get her revenge from a Subway series after all. Trump too, his new building is only blocks from the Red line which serves both fields. Why am I back to baseball you might wonder? Two words: White Sox.

Resemblances to any person, place, thing, subject, predicate, noun, verb, sentence, preposition, with, and subjunctive mood is purely coincidental, though it may be in really bad taste especially in the end zone. This post should especially not to be taken to represent the ideas and attitudes of any current of former members or players or flunkies of the Commissioner or the Owners of the NFL and its teams, or any one who has seen, attended, frozen solid, or vomited at an NFL game or event.

Resemblances to any of the celebrities named in an extremely satiric and comedic manner, that could in no way actually impact their career more than they have themselves, are truly unfortunate, especially under fluorescent lighting.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

Thank you for visiting this blog! Byt the way, the game in the USA can be seen at 6pm Eastern/5pm Central on ABC. Visit the Official NFL website for a list of the 220 counties, from Afghanistan to Zambia, that will broadcast the game and the Networks that will carry them. Britain's Channel 5 will cover the game for the first time since 1997. The U.S. Military will again have access through Armed Forces Radio and Televison.

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