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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Fruits and Nuts


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According to an irrelevant comment on an article called 'Blogging From a Cab' on the Business Week site, apparently the Canadian Airport Transport Security Authority has deemed fruitcakes unsafe as carry-on luggage and has strongly recommended that fruitcakes NOT be included as carry on luggage. However, carry-on scissors are now considered safe.

Well, I have news for our friends in the Great White North:

Fruitcakes HAVE ALWAYS BEEN a security threat.

Thank god the airlines are finally acknowleging this and are doing their part to stem the flow of the fruitcake menace.

The National Fruitcake Disaster Board estimates that this move will help reduce fruitcake related accidents in Canada this year by at least 8%.

And of course scissors are allowed, in most cases you need an ice pick to cut into the darn things. The source of another 2% of Canadian Fruitcake disasters are ice pick, drill and chain-saw injuries.

Compared to the weapons potential that a live and loaded fruitcake represents, what real harm can a pair of scissors do?

After all, can a scissors bowled down a jet cabin at full speed knock over three Air Marshalls, penetrate the newly reinforced cabin doors and roll out the front window of the jet causing massive catsostrophic decompression? I think not.

Nor can 40 passengers tossing scissors to the other side of the cabin singlehandedly cause a jet to spiral out of control because of the massive shifting of weight and its impact on the further mass of scissors in the checked-in luggage below.

And have you ever, ever heard of such a thing as "Safety Fruitcakes"? Thought not. For the same reason you do not hear about "safety tanks" or "safety atomic weapons" fruitcakes are not toys. They are serious business now, and in the annals of history.

An unsubstantiated rumor has it that a gift to a former U.S. President was the sole surviving artifact of atomic testing in the Bikini Islands.

This was just the beginning of the emnity between wearers of bikinis and fruitcakes that continues today.And what of the dangers if fruitcakes fall into the hands of nuts?Don't tell me it isn't likely, most fruitcakes are made in factories filled with nuts. Why we haven't been scared before this is beyond me.

So bravo to the Canadians for taking the lead on this one.

Imagine the impact on holiday home safety if the Americas' more southern based airlines from the U.S. to Chile were to adopt this safety measure. Let's get those fruitcakes off our airlines today.

In fact, I think it is worth a special search for fruitcakes in Government Offices across the land. I know, if we impound and destroy all these fruitcakes we will have to do something for the public good, I say rather than impound the fruitcakes in government, we impeach them.

Replace the fruitcakes with nice wholesome peaches and get rid of the rotten fruitcakes once and for all. That's a movement we should all be able to get behind.

Every movement needs a theme song, so here's my little ditty, with apologies to John Lennon and his memory, but I am sure he would not have felt that All You Need is Fruitcake is appropriate for this situation:

Holiday Imaginings

Imagine there's no Fruitcakes
It isn't hard to do
No falling rolling hazards
No broken tootsies tooImagine all those people
With stomaches aat ease oooooh

You may say that I'm a dreamer
That I prefer the sugar plums
All I want is Fruitcake Freedom
'till treats are safe for each and everyone...

Peter, The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Commentary and Satire
Where Humor is Safe and Nutritious

Parody lyrics copyright 2005, Peter of The Peter Files Blog, Other copyrights for music may apply to other copyright holders.

All rights reserved for any copyright holders.
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